Oklahoma: Most famous for self-titled musical that everyone hates.

We all know there are a few states in this great nation of ours that can sometimes bring a modicum of shame to us Americans. I'm referring to those inbred, culture-less, ignorant, Bible thumping regions, where the day to day uniform is overalls, and their whiskey comes in three X. The kind of State that you assume elitist Europeans think comprises our entire expanse, as they scoff at us for not having universal health care and still believing in God. Well, Oklahoma is the Patron Saint of those states; it brings absolutely zilch to the whole "lower 48" table, and should be treated as nothing more than a blight on our landscape. It comes as no surprise that the Sooners haven't visited our rockin' site... Research shows there are only 4 computers in the State, only one has a modem, and it is running at 14.4kbps.

What can be said about Oklahoma that isn't just a string of frighteningly accurate insults? Hmmm... Well let's start at the beginning. The territory that would eventually become Oklahoma was essentially an afterthougt in the whole Louisiana Purchase debacle that we will never let the French live down. In the 19th Century, this region was chosen as the staging ground for the awesome party that our government was throwing for the thousands of Native Americans in need of relocation. Interestingly enough, the word "Oklahoma" is a Choctaw phrase that actually translates to "Red People," a fact that will literally get you shot if you mention it on the streets of Oklahoma City (their ingeniously named State Capitol). But I digress... There is so much more to Oklahoma than it's ironically racist origins.

Average Oklahomans.

Oklahoma was admitted to the Union in 1907; it lies right in the middle of the pack as far as land mass and population are concerned (20th and 28th). Considered by the majority of boring political pundits to be one of the most staunchly conservative states in the U.S., Oklahoma has more registered Democrats than Republicans or Independents. That kind of statistics-based paradox makes my brain hurt. The city of Tulsa was once considered the "Oil Capitol of the World" and its expansion and prominence served as an instrumental catalyst for the construction of Route 66. These days, Tulsa is famous for being in the heart of Tornado Alley (the 90s disaster movie Twister was set in Oklahoma), a super fun place to live if you really enjoy your fucking house flying away.

In the 1930s the Dust Bowl era began (a period of intense dust storms brought on by a combination of poor farming techniques, drought, and high wind), and spread into Northwestern Oklahoma, forcing many into poverty and relocation (I like to think of this as the revenge of the Native Americans). This period was forever immortalized in John Steinbeck's novel, The Grapes of Wrath, as was the term "Okie," which was once considered derogatory but, illiteracy being an Oklahoman birthright, is now regarded positively. A renewed focus on water conservation (and the understanding that God hates them and doesn't want to give them rain) led the state of Oklahoma to create public works projects that resulted in numerous dams being built, and the creation of the most man-made lakes in the Nation.

Pretty boring, right?

Hey, this is exciting! Brad Pitt was born in Oklahoma, and he was in 12 Monkeys which is awesome. So they’ve got that going for them.

Pictured here, Oklahoma's large wizard population

Today Oklahoma exists purely as Texas's hat. The State doesn't have professional sports (I don't even recognize the Thunder as a relevant franchise), so it obsesses over one of the most successful and crooked college football programs in the country (you could get a donkey into OU if it has a good enough 40 time). Oklahomans sit on their porches, guns in lap (they buy the most ammo in the nation), as they listen to the records of their native son Garth Brooks and reminisce about the good times... and the Klan.