What can I say, the man has aged very well.

Low “Try to Sleep” – Uncle Jesse stars in this retro cool video as some sort of dignified classic movie star cruising with his main squeeze in front of grainy film screen backgrounds. Stamos’ low-key performance matches the mournful tune so well that I’m not even going to bother with a Rippers joke here (I also couldn’t think of a good one).

Lupe Fiasco ft. Skylar Grey “Words I Never Said” – Fascists are always dragging people away kicking and screaming. You ever notice that? What the hell is their problem? Anyway, the fascists drag people and make everyone wear mouthpieces like the Swiny Boar Battle Beast, so I’m thinking they’re not all bad, while Lupe Fiasco compares the news to Jersey Shore, calls people racist, and shows off his karate skills. There's really no downside here.

Simple Plan ft. Rivers Cuomo “Can’t Keep My Hands Off You” – Simple Plan? Featuring Rivers Cuomo? From the Prom soundtrack? Sold! And with lyrics that rhyme email with voicemail, I’m sure I won’t suffer the buyer’s remorse.

Beastie Boys “Make Some Noise” – The Beasties are hot again because everything is cyclical. This is a cut down version of the Fight For Your Right sequel and celebrity packed 30-min. short film they released. The Beastie Boys are currently embracing and perhaps even trying to reclaim an image they’ve spent over two decades trying to separate themselves from. I can’t help but think that it smacks of opportunism. Free Tibet!

Shake it... sort of.

Britney Spears “Till the World Ends” – This song includes the line “Keep on dancing ‘til the world ends,” yet this video comparing the lithe moves of her younger years with today’s clunky bobbing proves that she hypocritically stopped dancing some time before the apocalypse. Et tu, Britney?

DJ Khaled ft. Ludacris, T-Pain, Busta Rhymes, Twista, Mavado, Birdman, Ace Hood, Fat Joe, Jadakiss, Bun B & Waka Flocka “Welcome to My Hood (Remix)” – Look at all those rappers! The video consists of very generic rap video subject matter, but the star power, the kinetic camerawork and editing, and the three rapid fire lead off verses make the first couple of minutes as potent as a shot of adrenaline. And then the rest of it is, well, kind of like a bunch of sleeping pills. Even Jadakiss and Bun B can’t save it. And did I miss it or does this video not include any Jadakiss “A-ha!” sounds? 7 minutes and not a single one? That's criminal.

Yellowcard “Hang You Up” – I’m not going to recommend that you watch this Yellowcard video, I promise. But the idea is basically that the lead singer walks around singing, just like in countless videos, and everyone treats him like the kind of weirdo who would walk around singing all the time, unlike in countless videos. They don’t take it seriously at all and it’s kind of fun. His ex even explains how she got a restraining order because of his singing and then says, “I swear to God, if you open your mouth and start singing a pre-chorus…” That’s all that’s good about it though. Really, don’t watch.

Mysonne “In Jail” – Is this the first rap video to incorporate clips from The Shawshank Redemption? Andy Dufresne is so gangster.

She's not nearly as classy as she looks.

Lykke Li “Sadness is a Blessing” – Apparently, Lykke Li is the kind of girl that gets wasted in silence at swanky restaurants and then dances around. It’s a lot of a fun, until it gets a bit sad, which isn’t surprising considering the title.

Titus Andronicus “No Future Part Three: Escape From No Future” – I really like the concept behind this video; the band travels to different parts of New Jersey and performs. Everything is shown in sequence with travel between venues, so it’s like a mini-tour diary (a mini-tour that includes a stop at the Pine Barrens) rather than just a video cobbled together from various performances. It’s an effective treatment of a great idea.

Big Boi ft. Janelle Monae “Be Still” – It feels a little bit more like a Janelle Monae video ft. Big Boi, but with these two it doesn’t really matter who’s dominating screen time. It’s like a dream team of video charisma. And somehow the retro effects and cheesy visual style just make the pair seem cooler.

Cat’s Eyes “Face In the Crowd” – Easily one of the most effective “trippy” videos I’ve come across since starting this column. There is a rhythm to the editing that allows the simple, repetitive visuals and bleary-eyed, refracted-light effects to practically lull the brain to sleep… in a good way. It's like visual robo-tripping.

Rad.

Hooray for Earth “True Loves” – Sci-fi/fantasy videos are rarely this pretty, grand, and enticing. I really want to see more of this world where dudes get chased by archers on horseback and teleport through small clouds of smoke.

Lil Wayne ft. Rick Ross “John (If I Die Today)” – Live from the tire factory, it’s Lil Wayne and Rick Ross! I really don’t know what they were thinking with this video. It would be fine if they were two anonymous rappers, but these guys are stars, regardless of their claims to the contrary in the hook. And in case you’re wondering, yes the title is referring to that dude from The Beatles.

Ryan Leslie “Glory” – An earnest track supported by lots of concert footage makes for an entertaining video for a guy who so far I’ve only known for having his name pop up in the credits of Christian Dior Denim Flow and Start It Up.

It's a dance that we can all do!

Cake “Long Time” – An effective little tale of inter-species platonic love crudely animated by computers.

YC ft. Future “Racks” – Look, just because it isn’t a joke doesn’t mean that it’s not awesome. Racks on racks on racks.

Death Cab For Cutie “You Are a Tourist” – This is the much ballyhooed video that the band broadcast live as they filmed it. That’s quite awesome, and the video is visually interesting with the band adorned by Christmas lights and kaleidoscopic projections on the dance floor, but at this point it’s more interesting for the novelty of its creation than as a standalone video.

Parts & Labor “Echo Chamber” – Lightning fast editing achieves instantaneous construction and deconstruction as a small shed is built around the band. The way it’s all timed to the music makes it very pleasing to the eye. Unfortunately the final stage of development isn’t nearly as impressive as what’s come before.

Snoop Dogg ft. Willie Nelson “Superman” – Yeah, this happened. And guess what? They smoke together!

Shades of Gandolfini-Arquette in True Romance.

Ill Bill & Vinnie Paz “Blood Meridian” – It’s kind of like a 70s horror movie in under 3 minutes, set to rap music.

Isaiah Toothtaker ft. MURS “Get Housed Homeboy” – If you need a reason not to buy Girl Scout cookies, how about because they might invade your home and engage you in a brutal, bloody, knock down drag out fight?

Katy Perry ft. Kanye West “E.T.” – The worst thing about this is that it’s just boring. It’s not even some sort of awesome trainwreck. There’s no weird interaction between Kanye and Perry. He just raps a little and she floats around in crazy costumes singing. Sure, the fact that Perry is a deer from the waist down is pretty awesome, but I have to wait though all 5 minutes just for 20 seconds of that? Not worth it.

Thirty Seconds to Mars “This is War” – Jared Leto trying to sound significant is kind of laughable. He just spits out words like pariah and messiah and then screams every once in a while. It’s not very effective. And the video features a lot of random gunfire and then some sort of unknown force crumpling all matter of military armament into a giant floating triangle. It must either be the work of Magneto or those damn peacenik alien terrorists from The Abyss again.

Superchunk “Crossed Wires” – An homage to the classic Prodigy video for Smack My Bitch Up that replaces the girl gone wild with an even more misbehaved cat. Seriously, this cat gets into shenanigans that you will not believe. It's great.

That is a classic creep move right there.

VIDEO OF THE MONTH: The Foreign Exchange “The Last Fall” – Wow. This is easily one of the most effective story videos I’ve ever seen. The plot is exceedingly simple, but there's plenty of tension and suspense to keep the viewer interested as they watch a man become obsessed with a waitress. Despite taking place almost exclusively during the day, there is a very dark atmosphere to the whole thing. The biggest criticism I have is that the video opens with a shot that spoils much (but not all) of the plot. Showing us something from further along in the story, then jumping back to the beginning has become way overused in pretty much every narrative medium. It’s often not even used as a storytelling hook anymore; it now seems like storytellers are just desperate to establish the piece's dominant tone right off the bat. It’s like they don’t trust the audience to just come along for the ride. As great as this video is, I think it would be that much better if we came to realize what was happening more organically. Anyway, it still achieves excellence, and the song is awesome too.

Winner of 0 Moonmen at the 1994 Video Music Awards.

FLASHBACK OF THE MONTH: Beastie Boys "Sabotage" - It's an obvious choice, but I'm not enough of a Beasties historian to pull something more obscure, and it's always a good time to watch what is easily one of the greatest music videos of all time. I mean, there's no way it's not in the Top 10, right? It does a better job of selling me on this fake TV show than 95% of trailers do with real movies. The song can pump you up for pretty much anything, and it's really good, but there's no doubt that the video has at least as much to do with this song's legacy than the track itself. When they play this in concert, everyone is still just thinking of the video.

I get it; Rivers Cuomo is going through a mid-life crisis. It must be hard to handle the Universal Theory of Artistic Entropy that was so eloquently explained in Trainspotting:

Sick Boy: It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.

Mark: What do you mean?

Sick Boy: Well, at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it. Or David Bowie, or Lou Reed.

Mark: Lou Reed, some of his solo stuff's not bad.

Sick Boy: No, it's not bad, but it's not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it's actually just shite.

Mark: So who else?

Sick Boy: Charlie Nicholas, David Niven, Malcolm McLaren, Elvis Presley . . .

Mark: OK, OK, so what's the point you're trying to make?

Sick Boy: All I'm trying to do, Mark, is help you understand that The Name of The Rose is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory.

Mark: What about The Untouchables?

Sick Boy: I don't rate that at all.

Mark: Despite the Academy Award?

Sick Boy: That means fuck all. It's a sympathy vote.

Mark: Right. So we all get old and then we can't hack it anymore. Is that it?

Sick Boy: Yeah.

Mark: That's your theory?

Sick Boy: Yeah. Beautifully fucking illustrated.

Cuomo lost it. (That's right; this record is so bad most of my review is a Trainspotting quote).

There are two highlights. The first track (If you’re wondering if I want you to) I want you to (Editors note- we know it's convoluted, but that whole thing is the name of the song), is a decent enough tune, though the chorus is practically unforgivable. The only truly listenable tune is Put Me Back Together, a track whose merits seem almost out of place on this record.

The low lights are innumerable: The uninspired and completely contrived, sitar-drenched, Love is the Answer (George Harrison spits on this track from Heaven), the hopefully ironic Can't Stop Partying (not even Lil' Wayne can save it), and In The Mall stands out as one of the worst things to happen to music ever (I have read it was penned or at least inspired by Rainn Wilson... He needs to stick to acting).

Please don't buy this record. It won't be worth having to explain yourself to your friends later.