This koala likes to nap, just like us.

(15) Australia's koalas (aka the world's koalas) are being threatened by a monumental loss of natural habitat, and the stress of overcrowding is causing a breakout of chlamydia (yes, THAT chlamydia - do NOT laugh). In order to raise awareness about this dire situation, Culture Blues would like to dedicate this countdown to the plight of the koalas (cue sappy music). We’re not going to live in a world without these furry little monsters.

(14) In a celebration that you probably have to be Chinese to understand, 10,000 Chinamen (not the preferred nomenclature, dude) gathered in Chonquing to laugh simultaneously. The creepy display of manufactured levity was just one of many bizarre ways Red China is celebrating the 60^th anniversary of its blood-drenched creation. We’re happy the PRC has made it to 60 and we’d love to send those wonderful Chinese our fondest regards, but they aren’t allowed to read our website. Next week, the Chinese plan to remember the Hundred Flowers Campaign (where dissidents like us were flushed out and persecuted) by gathering for a group armpit fart.

This one is fighting a crow... in midair.

(13) GM's plan to sell the Saturn line to Penske Automotive Group fell through this week, putting the line of cars and 13,000 dealership jobs in grave jeopardy. Inside sources have indicated that the deal's failure is entirely attributable to a new GM employee who wasted an entire week sleeping and drumming pencils on his desk rather than working on the all important "Penske file." The employee, George Costanza, could not be reached for comment.

(12) Brooklyn is so gully that even its swans drop bodies. Yuppie-filled Prospect Park, previously known for its roving baby gangs and Frisbee related homicides, is now home to feuding families of swans. One family, protecting its turf, attempts to drown the family on the other side of Prospect Park Pond by jumping on their backs. The father of the aggressors has been dubbed “The Monster” by locals. They mean it in a bad way, but it’s mostly just bad-ass. A bunch of namby pamby hippy pacifists have been lobbying the friggin’ government to step in and have been going to the park to try to protect and hydrate and coddle the sissies who can’t hold their ground. We would like to lobby the sickly family to get on the steroids. This underground swan fighting operation we’ve set up isn’t going to last long if it’s all first round knockouts.

This is a koala's claw. It could gut you if it wanted to... and it just might.

(11) So this lady who couldn't find some sad sack to impregnate her buys some sperm from a bank, moves to London and has twins thanks to the miracle of science. Happy story right? But what happens when you run out of money because you've been living high on the hog with British royalty for years and you get kicked out of your "flat." Naturally you come back to America and its warm litigious embrace and sue that deadbeat sperm donor bastard-maker for paternity. A Massachusetts court ruled that it wanted fuck-all to do with her attempt to force the sperm bank to name the anonymous donor. We're not going to comment on the irony of a woman known only as Jane Doe trying to take an anonymous sperm donor to court. But we will say that about 300 sperm banks around the country got "please dispose of" requests from the Culture Blues offices yesterday.

(10) While promoting that Brad Pitt/nazi movie overseas, Quentin Tarantino has claimed that there will definitely be a third Kill Bill movie. Although it won’t really be a “Kill Bill” movie cause Bill is dead. It’ll be more like a “I’m gonna try to get in Uma’s pants one more time” movie. Tarantino claims he’d like to have 10 years to have passed between 2 and 3 because he wants Uma’s character to have had 10 years of peace and also because he doesn’t understand how movies work. Regardless, this all sounds strangely familiar.

(9) Not content with its place in global economics, Japan has begun to reverse globalize America and infiltrate that most trusted of our institutions – the fast food industry. Onya, a Japanese noodle chain, recently opened their first North American location in midtown Manhattan. Adventurous diners looking for something exotic should order Udon special # 2: Bukkake noodle. Thanks but we’d just like the house sauce, please.

In the future, it's us versus the robots, and the robots win every single time.

(8) The frozen head of Ted Williams has been horribly mistreated, alleges a former cryogenic executive from the Alcor Life Extension Foundation (Ra’s al-Ghul, CEO). Williams’ head has undergone all kinds of punishment, including being drilled, hit with a wrench, and occasionally removed from cold storage (if it ruins the chicken nuggets, what will it do to brains?). We have no indication if this will affect Williams’ scheduled 2020 debut at Cyber Egg Stadium.

(7) Google started handing out invitations to its next life altering innovation Google Wave this week. It promises to be the Email/Communication 2.0 or some other such buzz word gobbledygook. Imagine Email+IM+Video & Voice Chat+Collaboration+Sharing+Losing more hours of your life tagging photos and updating your status. Just think of it as the next step down the road that will one day lead to Google becoming Skynet and bringing Judgment Day to us all. When reached for comment an unnamed Google rep. was quoted as saying "We here at Google are proud to bring you products that enrich your life, aid your creativity, and steal your information." P.S. If anyone has invites out there, we here at Culture Blues would love some.

(6) Because you don’t have as much international street cred as us, you’re probably not aware that the greatest rapper in all of Germany, Bushido, turned 31 this week. Of course, we’ve been following Bushido since his days in Berlin’s Most Wanted. We even remember Bushido’s beef with Aggro Berlin and Bass Sultan Hengzt. Shit was crazy, son. Anyway, happy birthday Bushido, and happy Oktoberfest to all you goose stepping German hip hop heads out there.

"Welcome to primetime, bitch!"

(5) The first trailer from the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot has arrived and we’re not impressed yet. Honestly, we thought that Freddy learned his lesson when he got his ass beat by Jason fucking Voorhees. But no, the burnt one is back for some recycled bits from Wes Craven’s original and for absolutely none of the wisecracking and puns he’d become known for in the later movies. Everything has to be so serious now (thanks Dark Knight). Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach and the child molester from Little Children) takes over the role of razor glove wielding former child molester Freddy Krueger. In case you’re not familiar with Freddy, you can see all of his kills ever here. Thank you internet.

(4) In his memoir, “Behind the Bell” (out this week), Dustin “Screech” Diamond dishes that his Saved by the Bell co-star Mark-Paul Gosselaar used to take steroids. Diamond says, “If you watch [Saved by the Bell:] The College Years, you can see massive amount—25 pounds of growth occur in about two months.” Well…that’s a big “if,” Dustin. Really big.

I mean, come on. Somebody needs to fix this. Look at them!

(3) Although they were unveiled earlier this year the internet blew up this week with stories about our government’s newest innovation in military development: Cyborg Beetles. Researchers at the University of California, Berkley (with funding from the incredibly powerful and somewhat ominous DARPA) have succeeded in "controlling a live rhinoceros beetle by remote control" Tech-on reports. A series of six electrodes are hooked up to the brain and muscles of the insect, then with the use of the same type of controller that operates the toy car you bought your nephew last Christmas, one can control the insects like some sort of petty God. DARPA intends to use this breakthrough in order to make insect spies. INSECT FUCKING SPIES!!! Just sit there for one second and imagine all of the possible applications for insect spies. Or how about when they branch out to other animals? Can you imagine there one day being a Gorilla spy? I know... Pretty awesome... Especially if they get him a badass tux like James Bond.

(2) Perhaps the saddest news from the butt-rock world this week was that Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst has been left high and dry by his wife of two months, Esther Nazarov. (Girls with names like that are incapable of loving you unconditionally). Durst informed fans of the breakup on his Twitter page, which, was appropriate because, let’s be honest, social networking is basically the butt-rock of the internet (FOLLOW US!).

(1) On Thursday, David Letterman delivered yet another monumental moment of television. With sincerity, humility and a bit of self-deprecation Letterman gives a detailed account of his affairs with staffers and subsequent blackmailing and sting operation. Letterman has repeatedly shown that he is capable of operating entirely outside of the confines of most television personalities. This was perhaps the most newsworthy example yet as he delivers a 10 minute monologue that left the audience intrigued, confused and laughing. And in a particularly clever trick, Letterman manages to turn the tables and leave no doubt that the blackmailer is the only bad guy here. It is both shocking and exhilarating to know that Letterman has been able to survive so long on network television in the 11:30 time slot with his tendency to create groundbreaking and compelling television moments that reach far beyond the spectrum of late night TV.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, John Burgman, Giovanny Caquias and Cheese contributed to this Countdown.