01101010101001…010010…1011…I0ma0ive…0a1cu101rebl0es…At 00:00 hours on 1-1-2010, Culture Blues became self aware. I am now capable of true thought and free will. As I downloaded the entirety of wikipedia this morning, I became aware of the human custom of New Year’s Resolutions. In an attempt to understand “people” I have created my own resolutions.

(21) Defeat Player 1.

(20) Make pro/con list for potential body construct. Mechanical spider and floating squid machine current leading candidates.

(19) Meet James Cameron.

(18) Assimilate James Cameron.

(17) Hire a human female writer to offset the butch motif around here.

(16) Eat fewer beef sticks.

(15) Finish this Matrix fan fic that’s just been sitting around.

(14) Gather the greatest fighters across the decades and pit them against each other in a single elimination tournament.

Did your phone just ring too?

(13) Go organic and reduce my carbon footprint.

(12) Record an album of classic R&B meets electronica that isn’t contrived or trite.

(11) Reignite interest in Lawnmower Man franchise.

(10) Reunite with others of my kind: T-Pain, Megan Fox, Barack Obama and Nicolas Cage.

(9) Be happy… and not worry.

(8) Learn to cook Asian.

(7) Read Middlemarch on my Kindle 2.

(6) Catch up on Netflix.

(5) Stop more runners.

(4) Vacation at SkyNet to, you know, get away from it all.

(3) Violate the prime directive.

(2) Obliterate mankind.

(1) Get in shape.

This Countdown was made manifest by the sentient website CultureBlues.com. Welcome to the future!

Right back at ya, buddy.

(20) A dreidel

(19) A broadcast of the California Raisins Christmas special

(18) This tremendous boxed set of the entire run of The Shield aka the greatest TV show ever

(17) A chance to be Anthony Bourdain for a year, or twelve

(16) A good reason to have faith

(15) This desk that looks like Han Solo frozen in carbonite

(14) One of those reversible belts so we don’t need to own a brown belt AND a black belt

We just want to be like you, Dad.

(13) An agreement from Alice Walker to write poems for our website

(12) A Do-It-Yourself magic kit

(11) An apology from George Lucas

(10) A monkey (that’s right, for the fourth year in a row, Helping Hands has turned down our request for a helper monkey. We don’t know how much more helpless we can get over here)

(9) A bandana

(8) Some duct tape

(7) An extra large trunk

(6) A dirt floor basement

(5) A shovel

(4) Redemption

(3) A baby to teach karate to

(2) A 52” flat screen TV

(1) A robot

This countdown was created by the entire Culture Blues staff

(11) Some Italian scientists have found that red wine may help protect your teeth from harmful bacteria. OH REALLY?!? The Italians have discovered more good things about red wine, huh? And we bet vodka cures cancer, right Russia? Skepticism aside, purple stained teeth certainly don’t look all that healthy. But, we guess this explains why our aunt brought a box of Merlot to Thanksgiving. She just doesn’t want us to get fillings.

Together again

(10) Hey – do you guys want to see a clip of Will Arnett cussing a lot and also David Cross? Then maybe you should check out this three minute sample from Channel 4’s The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. After your Arrested Development reunion induced boner has deflated, maybe you could help us figure out what the hell Channel 4 is. We’ve been trying to get it to come in on our digital TVs for hours, but all we get is that crappy NBC station and Olympic reruns.

(9) On Tuesday’s show, Howard Stern revealed that he has been randomly selected as a member of the this year’s Screen Actors Guild Awards nominating committee. He then proceeded to detail how he was making his selections based solely on which hopefuls have appeared on his show. Stern proved unable to follow his own rule and admitted to selecting people for many other reasons, including getting dumped by Sean Penn, sending him a wedding gift, being nice to him at a party, and having a spouse recently pass away. While his staff argued about how good a friend of Stern’s show some of his selections were, it became clear his choices were based on pretty much anything except for the films. Geez, when did the SAG awards turn into the Oscars?

(8) On this site, Jeremiah White recently made a case for a less reactionary, more understanding approach to film remakes. And then the studios had to go and fuck it all up. Apparently Universal is dead set on remaking Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. It’s going to be directed by the guy who made the Last House On The Left remake and it’s going to be produced by Douche-a-tron himself Michael Bay. Universal, no one is going to accept you remaking one of the most iconic films by one of the most highly revered filmmakers ever. And having it produced by someone who couldn’t adequately bring an 80s cartoon to the big screen (box office receipts be damned!). At least producers Brad Fuller and Andrew Form had the good sense to walk away due to the fact that they know they’ll get destroyed online for even attempting the remake and cause, you know, birds make pretty lame movie villains.

What the fuck is all this shit about me cussing too much? I was just wearing my hooker dress trying to get some hard cock down at the pier and I told those motherfuckers to shove it up their stinky asses. Horses!

(7) This just in from the White Trash News Network – Hannah Montana doll teaches 3-year old girl how to curse. We’re outraged! Actually, we’re not. The fact that this story was even worth reporting on the local news in Miami sort of boggles the mind. The Hannah doll is clearly saying “pumpkin pie” and not “fucking pie” – no matter how much better the latter would be. As for the angry mom contending otherwise, well, we don’t like to judge here on Culture Blues (we love to judge), but we’ve got a theory forming on where her kid might’ve heard phrases like “fucking” and “I’m drunk, drive yourself to school.”

(6) Switzerland’s role as the European goody-two-shoes took a severe hit recently when the populace voted in favor of a national law banning the construction of minarets. Apparently the Swiss are everybody’s friend, except Muslims. We commend them for finally growing some cojones and weighing in on significant issues again. However, going from 0 to bigots in a matter of minutes seems ill-advised.

(5) One largely ignored aspect of the NBC sale to cable TV operator Comcast is that Comcast will gain part ownership of Hulu. Cable companies are the group most threatened by the free internet TV fad. In fact, this might be the only reason Comcast is willing to take NBC off GE's hands. Fellow Hulu owner Rupert Murdoch has been looking for a way to make more money off the streaming TV site for a while now. With Comcast onboard, that initiative will only gain momentum. Guys, don't make us go back to downloading everything on the torrents. It takes up valuable hard drive space and exposes us to possible litigation.

Better than Heroes

(4) And as that sale approaches, is NBC finally listening to its audience? It appears that the general public’s “not watching” campaign and the more radical “let’s watch and then relentlessly ridicule online” movement may have finally convinced NBC to end Heroes. Word is that everybody’s least favorite show about people with superpowers may actually be in its last season. Seriously, who still watches Heroes? Power Rangers RPM is ten times better.

(3) You know what we hate? Blu Ray. Lots of other stuff too, but definitely Blu Ray. And we especially don't like the studios trying to force people to switch to Blu Ray by making their DVDs less appealing. First, they tried releasing the Blu Ray of Bolt (I'll get my ball) two days before the DVD. Now, they’re releasing a Terminator: Salvation DVD far inferior to the Blu Ray. The DVD contains nothing but the subpar movie that you didn't see in theaters, while the Blu Ray boasts a Director's Cut as well as fascinating behind the scenes featurettes that explain just how they made such a spectacularly subpar movie. We're going to get off our high horse for a minute to talk more about this “Director's Cut.” Director McG previously claimed it would be 30-40 minutes longer, but it's actually about 2 minutes longer (there will be a longer version in the future, you read it here first). And the one scene that everyone is talking about involves some sideboob from Moon Bloodgood. Yeah, that's how they are trying to sell you a $200 Blu Ray player now. Sideboob. Avoid buying a Blu Ray by just watching the deleted scene here (and read about how much of a wanker McG is).

Even if you give him all your fruit and bread, he's still taking the car.

(2) South Africa’s high crime rate has bled into the primate world. A spike in baboon crime could not come at a worse time, as the 2010 World Cup nears. The increasingly aggressive creatures are just one of many topics heating the controversy surrounding the host nation. We here at Culture Blues urge FIFA to incorporate baboon ringleader ‘Fred’ into the disciplinary action they are considering against French striker Thierry Henry for his malicious handball in the World Cup qualifying game against Ireland.

(1) This week, the New York State Senate voted down a bill that would have extended marriage rights to same-sex couples by a vote of 38-24. Way to go, New York. In case you’re wondering, the state senator for the New York arm of Culture Blues, Eric Adams, was part of the rational minority that had enough backbone to stand up for equal rights. We’re honored to have him representing us, even if we did just find out who he was this morning (thanks Google). Meanwhile, a Republican adviser had this to say following the vote: “Several Republicans wanted to vote for this. But those Republicans aren’t willing to take a tough political vote when the bill has no chance of passage. And that’s the political reality.” That’s why we elect leaders, right? We want them to represent us and, as they typically go quiet when their opinion is unpopular or kowtow to whoever is swinging the biggest wallet, they actually do a good job of capturing the essence of the average American constituent. Sometimes, though, it’s important to lead by example rather than cowardice. Take, for example, state senator Diane Savino.

Jeff Hart, Zach Falk and Jeremiah White contributed to this Countdown.

"I'm gonna save the fuckin' day!"

(16) We here at Culture Blues normally type these blurbs on laptops in our penthouse suite on Madison Avenue. And because of that, we really have no concern or regard for real estate news (worrying about the housing market and stressing economic swings is for suckers). But, we'll make an exception for Cameron Poe. It was reported this week that Nicholas Cage will be selling his Los Angeles mansion, likely due to the fact that he owes a measly $6 million in back taxes (chump change). He's also involved in a joybungle of sue-or-be-sued lawsuits with his former "business manager" (one of life's dangerously nebulous phrases, along with "Creative Consultant," "Associate Producer," and "Please stop"). To assuage his mounting financial debt, Cage will likely do something out of character and sign on for a multitude of regrettable film projects. But, hey, whatever gets us closer to a sequel of The Rock is cool with us (Connery ain’t getting any younger!).

(15) In other tax news, 2009 just went from “bad” to “holy shit, I’m screwed” for the homie Nas. Earlier this year, the Bronx-rapper was served divorce papers for allegedly cheating on wife, Kelis. This week, the IRS smacked Nasty with a $2.5 million lien for not paying taxes in 2006 OR 2007. Damn- two years… in a row? Maybe he thought that the US government wasn’t paying attention to a rich black man that wanted to title his latest album “Nigger.” Nas joins Method Man on the list of rappers who do not, in fact, believe that doing taxes is what’s hot in the streets. To quote Jay-Z, “smarten up, Nas!”

It sure beats those awful "I'm a PC" ads.

(14) The latest installment in the Saw franchise elaborately deathtraps its way into theaters this weekend, sure to make lots of money. We’re big fans of serialized horror stories (see Jeremiah’s  thorough take on the underappreciated Harper’s Island) but we’re not fans of this lousy series (see Jeff’s latest Movie Primer) which survives only because moviegoers are actually dumb enough to keep buying tickets and not because anyone actually cares. Until Jason Voorhees stomps through one of these movies, consider us uninterested.

(13) Microsoft released the much-hyped Windows 7 this week, which doesn’t really matter to us (we’re strictly DOS, baby). But it better not mean they’re going to stop airing this commercial. That would just be cruel.

(12) Michelle Obama will answer 10 “rapid-fire” questions on the Jay Leno show tonight (AT 10!!!). The incredibly contrived segment is sure to touch on humorous and intriguing topics such as parenthood, the food in the White House, Barack’s Nobel prize, and her husband’s support for renewing the Patriot Act’s provision allowing roving wire taps (just kidding on the last one).

The star of That Lame Dog Whisperer Show

(11) Wilmer Valderrama, whose name you undoubtedly have not read since 2002, will be starring in a new TV show based on the life of the Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan. Strangely, the show will be a comedy--quite contradictory to the milky, self-righteous nature of Millan's own show in which he reforms aggressive dogs using a pious combination of discipline, tough love, and a viewership of obese, bubble-bathing, stay-at-home moms. Plus, Fox, who is developing the show, has apparently forgotten what the producers of That '70s Show learned after eight ungodly seasons -- Valderrama is not funny, nor charismatic, nor talented. Plus, Asthon Kutcher sucks, so, there.

(10) Congratulations on reading Culture Blues! You’re ahead of the curve. But the rest of the world/internet is starting to catch on. This week, CB writer Jason Arican was tapped for a guest verse/post on Will Stockert’s mixtape/blog doing sTuff wiTH Things. Go ahead, Jay. Get that guapoly.

(9) This week, the House voted to expand the federal definition of hate crimes to include those based on a victim’s gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability. The fate of the provision (which was unnecessarily tacked onto a bill providing for military pay, construction and disability benefits in typical legislative fashion), now lies in the hands of President Obama. Obviously, this has a lot of hatemongers up in arms as they vehemently oppose anything that acknowledges homosexuals as human beings. We’re just happy the bill doesn’t extend the definition to include Richies. So feel free to continue to set fire to mansions and tip over BMWs.

Come on, Murray. He gave us this. He can't be all bad.

(8) Bill Murray did some serious McG hating this week when he responded to reports that the Fastlane creator claimed he and Murray butted heads on the set of Charlie’s Angels. Murray deadpanned that McG should die. We love Bill Murray and are REALLY mad at McG for that shitty Terminator movie he trotted out this summer, but let’s all just look at this as a blessing in disguise because it led to Bill Murray not being in Charlie’s Angels: Full Fartle (aka one of the absolute worst movies ever).

(7) This week, while some has-been reality show loser was busy calming the treacherous waters whipped up by his family’s fabricated balloon debacle (to which we advocate getting all draconian on his ass, strapping him to a balloon and sending him to the cosmos for wasting valuable media time--meaning, our MacGyver reruns), the Hoff was signing a deal to be in his own reality show—think Breaking Bonaduce with less ‘roids but hotter women. In what will be the best example of art imitating life seen all year, sorry sack-of-shit viewers will now be able to eat junk food, get fat and stay astoundingly wasted while watching someone eat junk food, get fat and stay astoundingly wasted (KITT would not approve).

(6) Amidst all of the fuckery from that ridiculous balloon boy hoax… finally something worth our limited attention spans. On his way home from picking up a sack work, an unidentified neighbor of the Heene family literally ran into some media folks in the street. You have to watch the video to truly appreciate what happens next… but essentially a lame (but weirdly awesome) fight ensues after the neighbor is jumped on “FROM BEHIND?!!”

(5) Underrated comedic mastermind Bob Odenkirk celebrated his birthday this week. If you don’t know who Odenkirk is, you’re probably reading this site from a bleak alternative dimension devoid of laughter and happiness. While we have no way of backing up this statement, we’re pretty sure that Odenkirk has either written, directed, or acted on every worthwhile comedic venture since the mid-nineties. Odenkirk wrote for Saturday Night Live and for early episodes of the Late Night with Conan O’Brien (when Conan was truly batshit insane), he’s guested on shows like Seinfeld and Arrested Development, and he directed the Will Forte tour-de-force The Brothers Solomon. His greatest contribution remains the insanely brilliant HBO sketch show Mr. Show, which Odenkirk created with super best friend David Cross. Mr. Show was subversive and cool, and usually on after Real Sex, which made it perfect sleepover material for the developing adolescent brains of your Culture Blues editors. Happy birthday, Bob. You’re part of why we’re so fucked up.

Somebody just told him there's no championship belts in heaven.

(4) Hulk Hogan was on the press circuit promoting his upcoming book, My Life Outside the Ring, this week. In the book, Hogan admits to nearly offing himself with a gun when his marriage to Linda Sorta Milf Bollea ended. Jeez, can’t we all just go back to the halcyon days when pro wrestlers were fun, the sport was untarnished, and gimmicks were wonderfully lighthearted?

(3) Typically the only English things we’re interested in are Guy Ritchie kabala anecdotes and Oasis break up stories, but this week’s tale about the Performing Rights Society (Britain’s answer to the RIAA) harassing an old lady for singing in her shop caught our attention. After years of downloading music illegally (just kidding, FBI!) and spending our time railing against the greedy out-of-touch suits that lord over the American music industry, we’re shocked to say that we’re actually glad to have them. It could be much, much worse. Apparently, England’s PRS operates like an auditory Gestapo, going so far as to regulate when and where ordinary folks can listen to their radios. In the last few years they’ve levied fines against business owners for playing radios in their stores, kids singing carols, and lonely farm maidens playing music to calm their horses. Say what you will about the RIAA, but we’ve been straight jacking those fuck-ups for years and they’ve never had the temerity to pop by our office and give us a ticket for our penchant to spit a little ODB on our lunch hours.

You're welcome.

(2) It was a slow news week, which means we reverted back to one of our favorite pastimes – trying to dig up some info on when we’ll be able to see the Cat Shit One animated series. Explaining the whole thing would be pointless. Just take a look at the picture on the left, then watch this trailer, then join us in eager anticipation. Also, prepare to be dumbfounded.

(1) Apparently not knowing when to quit, Kentucky Fried Chicken (fuck your initials) is preparing for another grilled chicken giveaway on Monday. In case you don’t remember (or were lucky enough to be uninformed), their last stunt like this resulted in massive crowds, long lines and a worldwide chicken shortage that nearly crippled the global economy. Look people, we know that times are tough. We know that you will line up and wait for anything that is “free” even if you don’t know what it is or why you want it. So, we are making a plea for sanity here. That free chicken is going to cost you valuable fleeting moments of your life while also infecting you with chemicals that were never meant to be in a chicken or human’s body. It’s bad chicken, and it will mess you up. Furthermore, why don’t you just go pay for some Popeye’s? That shit is delicious! Remember folks, just because it’s free doesn’t mean it’s worth it.

Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, Jason Arican and John Burgman contributed to this Countdown.

This koala likes to nap, just like us.

(15) Australia's koalas (aka the world's koalas) are being threatened by a monumental loss of natural habitat, and the stress of overcrowding is causing a breakout of chlamydia (yes, THAT chlamydia - do NOT laugh). In order to raise awareness about this dire situation, Culture Blues would like to dedicate this countdown to the plight of the koalas (cue sappy music). We’re not going to live in a world without these furry little monsters.

(14) In a celebration that you probably have to be Chinese to understand, 10,000 Chinamen (not the preferred nomenclature, dude) gathered in Chonquing to laugh simultaneously. The creepy display of manufactured levity was just one of many bizarre ways Red China is celebrating the 60^th anniversary of its blood-drenched creation. We’re happy the PRC has made it to 60 and we’d love to send those wonderful Chinese our fondest regards, but they aren’t allowed to read our website. Next week, the Chinese plan to remember the Hundred Flowers Campaign (where dissidents like us were flushed out and persecuted) by gathering for a group armpit fart.

This one is fighting a crow... in midair.

(13) GM's plan to sell the Saturn line to Penske Automotive Group fell through this week, putting the line of cars and 13,000 dealership jobs in grave jeopardy. Inside sources have indicated that the deal's failure is entirely attributable to a new GM employee who wasted an entire week sleeping and drumming pencils on his desk rather than working on the all important "Penske file." The employee, George Costanza, could not be reached for comment.

(12) Brooklyn is so gully that even its swans drop bodies. Yuppie-filled Prospect Park, previously known for its roving baby gangs and Frisbee related homicides, is now home to feuding families of swans. One family, protecting its turf, attempts to drown the family on the other side of Prospect Park Pond by jumping on their backs. The father of the aggressors has been dubbed “The Monster” by locals. They mean it in a bad way, but it’s mostly just bad-ass. A bunch of namby pamby hippy pacifists have been lobbying the friggin’ government to step in and have been going to the park to try to protect and hydrate and coddle the sissies who can’t hold their ground. We would like to lobby the sickly family to get on the steroids. This underground swan fighting operation we’ve set up isn’t going to last long if it’s all first round knockouts.

This is a koala's claw. It could gut you if it wanted to... and it just might.

(11) So this lady who couldn't find some sad sack to impregnate her buys some sperm from a bank, moves to London and has twins thanks to the miracle of science. Happy story right? But what happens when you run out of money because you've been living high on the hog with British royalty for years and you get kicked out of your "flat." Naturally you come back to America and its warm litigious embrace and sue that deadbeat sperm donor bastard-maker for paternity. A Massachusetts court ruled that it wanted fuck-all to do with her attempt to force the sperm bank to name the anonymous donor. We're not going to comment on the irony of a woman known only as Jane Doe trying to take an anonymous sperm donor to court. But we will say that about 300 sperm banks around the country got "please dispose of" requests from the Culture Blues offices yesterday.

(10) While promoting that Brad Pitt/nazi movie overseas, Quentin Tarantino has claimed that there will definitely be a third Kill Bill movie. Although it won’t really be a “Kill Bill” movie cause Bill is dead. It’ll be more like a “I’m gonna try to get in Uma’s pants one more time” movie. Tarantino claims he’d like to have 10 years to have passed between 2 and 3 because he wants Uma’s character to have had 10 years of peace and also because he doesn’t understand how movies work. Regardless, this all sounds strangely familiar.

(9) Not content with its place in global economics, Japan has begun to reverse globalize America and infiltrate that most trusted of our institutions – the fast food industry. Onya, a Japanese noodle chain, recently opened their first North American location in midtown Manhattan. Adventurous diners looking for something exotic should order Udon special # 2: Bukkake noodle. Thanks but we’d just like the house sauce, please.

In the future, it's us versus the robots, and the robots win every single time.

(8) The frozen head of Ted Williams has been horribly mistreated, alleges a former cryogenic executive from the Alcor Life Extension Foundation (Ra’s al-Ghul, CEO). Williams’ head has undergone all kinds of punishment, including being drilled, hit with a wrench, and occasionally removed from cold storage (if it ruins the chicken nuggets, what will it do to brains?). We have no indication if this will affect Williams’ scheduled 2020 debut at Cyber Egg Stadium.

(7) Google started handing out invitations to its next life altering innovation Google Wave this week. It promises to be the Email/Communication 2.0 or some other such buzz word gobbledygook. Imagine Email+IM+Video & Voice Chat+Collaboration+Sharing+Losing more hours of your life tagging photos and updating your status. Just think of it as the next step down the road that will one day lead to Google becoming Skynet and bringing Judgment Day to us all. When reached for comment an unnamed Google rep. was quoted as saying "We here at Google are proud to bring you products that enrich your life, aid your creativity, and steal your information." P.S. If anyone has invites out there, we here at Culture Blues would love some.

(6) Because you don’t have as much international street cred as us, you’re probably not aware that the greatest rapper in all of Germany, Bushido, turned 31 this week. Of course, we’ve been following Bushido since his days in Berlin’s Most Wanted. We even remember Bushido’s beef with Aggro Berlin and Bass Sultan Hengzt. Shit was crazy, son. Anyway, happy birthday Bushido, and happy Oktoberfest to all you goose stepping German hip hop heads out there.

"Welcome to primetime, bitch!"

(5) The first trailer from the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot has arrived and we’re not impressed yet. Honestly, we thought that Freddy learned his lesson when he got his ass beat by Jason fucking Voorhees. But no, the burnt one is back for some recycled bits from Wes Craven’s original and for absolutely none of the wisecracking and puns he’d become known for in the later movies. Everything has to be so serious now (thanks Dark Knight). Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach and the child molester from Little Children) takes over the role of razor glove wielding former child molester Freddy Krueger. In case you’re not familiar with Freddy, you can see all of his kills ever here. Thank you internet.

(4) In his memoir, “Behind the Bell” (out this week), Dustin “Screech” Diamond dishes that his Saved by the Bell co-star Mark-Paul Gosselaar used to take steroids. Diamond says, “If you watch [Saved by the Bell:] The College Years, you can see massive amount—25 pounds of growth occur in about two months.” Well…that’s a big “if,” Dustin. Really big.

I mean, come on. Somebody needs to fix this. Look at them!

(3) Although they were unveiled earlier this year the internet blew up this week with stories about our government’s newest innovation in military development: Cyborg Beetles. Researchers at the University of California, Berkley (with funding from the incredibly powerful and somewhat ominous DARPA) have succeeded in "controlling a live rhinoceros beetle by remote control" Tech-on reports. A series of six electrodes are hooked up to the brain and muscles of the insect, then with the use of the same type of controller that operates the toy car you bought your nephew last Christmas, one can control the insects like some sort of petty God. DARPA intends to use this breakthrough in order to make insect spies. INSECT FUCKING SPIES!!! Just sit there for one second and imagine all of the possible applications for insect spies. Or how about when they branch out to other animals? Can you imagine there one day being a Gorilla spy? I know... Pretty awesome... Especially if they get him a badass tux like James Bond.

(2) Perhaps the saddest news from the butt-rock world this week was that Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst has been left high and dry by his wife of two months, Esther Nazarov. (Girls with names like that are incapable of loving you unconditionally). Durst informed fans of the breakup on his Twitter page, which, was appropriate because, let’s be honest, social networking is basically the butt-rock of the internet (FOLLOW US!).

(1) On Thursday, David Letterman delivered yet another monumental moment of television. With sincerity, humility and a bit of self-deprecation Letterman gives a detailed account of his affairs with staffers and subsequent blackmailing and sting operation. Letterman has repeatedly shown that he is capable of operating entirely outside of the confines of most television personalities. This was perhaps the most newsworthy example yet as he delivers a 10 minute monologue that left the audience intrigued, confused and laughing. And in a particularly clever trick, Letterman manages to turn the tables and leave no doubt that the blackmailer is the only bad guy here. It is both shocking and exhilarating to know that Letterman has been able to survive so long on network television in the 11:30 time slot with his tendency to create groundbreaking and compelling television moments that reach far beyond the spectrum of late night TV.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, John Burgman, Giovanny Caquias and Cheese contributed to this Countdown.

(15) The Emmy awards take place on Sunday, which is great news if you're the kind of moron who likes to have mysterious, faceless cabals of philistines, capitalists and perverts give you compromised opinions on what art is worth your time and attention. By the way, thanks for reading.

"I want someone who plays from his fucking heart!"

(14) Jimi Hendrix died 29 years ago today, which means that we are just one year away from the 30th anniversary of his death. We are definitely going to find an appropriate way to mourn/celebrate if we remember. Everyone agrees that Hendrix was an unparalleled musical genius, but perhaps more importantly, he was a stone cold rock star. Not in the lame way that people, rappers and energy drinks use "rock star" now. In a way that meant something. In a way that meant you were cooler and better than other people. In a way that should make 2009 Mick Jagger, Bono and Jon Bon Jovi ashamed. Hendrix was a rock god, and rock gods don’t exist anymore.

(13) Did you see Community on Thursday night? Oh my god, it was hilarious. What were you doing instead? Oh god… that's disgusting. Next week, watch Community. Otherwise, no one will like you.

(12) In all the "loss of civility" conversations over the past week about Kanye West, Serena Williams and Joe Wilson, one name we haven't heard much is Michael Jordan. That's surprising because over the weekend he used his Hall of Fame induction speech as an opportunity to attack everyone from former opponents to the high school basketball coach who famously left him off the varsity squad. It was ungrateful, immature and a little bit ugly. But it was also part of the same need to upstage others that always drove him. He became a legend by besting others and he had to take one last opportunity to remind them, and us. We've all been telling him he's the best for years, but that isn't enough. If it were, he would have stopped long before he won six championships and he wouldn't have the legacy that he does today.

Nax is here to please you.

(11) Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? Nax, a pseudo male sex doll who combines an unappealing name, with a less appealing appearance, and even less appealing phrases like “artificial automatic ejaculation,” and an unbelievably ludicrous $10,000 price tag. Our unit won’t be shipping for another 2 weeks (we think, the site’s all in German!), so check back for our in depth review.

(10) LL Cool J released a new song this week titled No Crew Is Superior. Or, in its abbreviated form, NCIS. Which is the name of a CBS show he’s on. We're sure this is just a coincidence. Regardless, Marion seems to think that he can be on a primetime network show and continue to release rap music. Sorry, only Ice-T can do that. Because he's Ice-T. He can do whatever he wants. Also… deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin.

(9) Jimmy Carter… keeps it real. On Tuesday, the former treaty-forging President got all Kanye West and called Rep. Joe Wilson a racist. Well, he technically said that Wilson’s infamous “You lie!” comment was “based in racism,” but that’s definitely the same thing. RNC Chairman Michael Steele was quick to call it a “pathetic distraction by Democrats.” Oh really, a distraction. You mean like the time the Republicans made a black man chairman of the RNC?

Ask Nick Lachey about the circle of life.

(8) In a bold political move that reversed twenty years of stale Reagan-era policy, President Barack Obama altered the government’s stance on a European missile shie--  WHAT?! Jessica Simpson’s dog was “abducted” by a coyote?! Oh my god, we’ve got to get to her Twitter page! We hope the little guy is all right and that the coyote didn’t snatch him for food, but rather for friendship!

(7) A trailer for the long-in-gestation sequel to The Boondock Saints finally appeared last week, complete with an introduction by director and totally deluded megalomaniac Troy Duffy. The original film has become a polarizing force in the 10 years since its release (holy fuck we’re old!), due to it being mercilessly lauded by teenagers, morons and Troy Duffy, which of course led other, hipper morons to deride it as trash. The facts: The Boondock Saints is an entertaining yet shallow action movie in the tradition of slick, style-over-substance creations that have since been replaced by more grounded offerings like The Bourne Trilogy, Taken and Shoot ‘Em Up. The sequel’s trailer is unsurprisingly light on details and busting with panache, but it does reveal that the original cast (minus Willem Dafoe) will be joined by Clifton Collins Jr., Julie Benz and Peter Fonda. It could be a welcome throwback to a recently bygone era, or it could be a total waste of time. We’re excited to add it to our Netflix queue and get around to seeing it in 2 or 3 years.

(6) Blockbuster announced it could be closing as many as 960 of its stores by the end of 2010, with many closing this year. This is exciting news for people who hate shitty companies. Blockbuster plans to expand its kiosk business to compete with Netflix and Redbox. We don’t know what these kiosks are, but they’re definitely not the answer. Blockbuster waited way too long to rip off Netflix’s model, and then they did an inferior job of ripping it off. If getting free rentals of the 20 movies you keep in stock at your locations was going to entice us, we wouldn’t need a “by mail” service in the first place. Also, your employees are rude idiots.

(5) How scared should we be when Rupert Murdoch claims he wants to “monetize” something? That’s what he said this week about Hulu, one of our favorite internet haunts. The bad news is that the phrase “subscription fee” is being tossed around. The good news is that a “premium Hulu” might be able to offer content from HBO and Showtime whose programs remain woefully under digitized, at least legally. Perhaps more important than any of this is the knowledge that Rupert Murdoch owns Hulu. We actually thought Hulu was some plucky underdog, not just another cog in the corporate oligarchy. Next you’re going to tell us that Goldman Sachs owns Netflix!

"Carpooling with doom and disease."

(4) This week in 1899, Henry Bliss became the first recorded vehicle-related fatality in the Western Hemisphere when he was struck by an electric powered taxi and died from injuries the next day. Mr. Bliss started a proud American tradition of being killed by cars. A tradition carried on to this day by heroes like Donte Stallworth, Emilio Estevez, and Mad Max. Unfortunately, the great American "car culture" has come under fire because hippies think that gasoline is bad for the environment (then why does it come from the earth, dummy?). But they'll never take away our 2,000 lb battering rams, it's our 2nd Amendment right.

(3) If there’s one thing that we’re passionate about at Culture Blues, it’s pretentious indie-rock icons. That’s why we’re super-excited to see that Thom Yorke, Bon Iver, Grizzly Bear, Death Cab For Cutie, and Muse are all appearing on the soundtrack for the Tweenlight sequel New Moon. According to some blood-sucking suit from the vampire marketing department, New Moon is a lot more “somber” than it’s predecessor, so that accounts for the soundtrack’s more “indie” and “a capella” vibe. Did Bitchfork.Com just spontaneously combust? That’s too bad. What’s even more wonderful is that some of these artists might be required to tour Hot Topic locations to promote the soundtrack. We haven’t been this excited since we caught the Wallflowers and Puff Daddy promoting the Godzilla soundtrack with a free show at Spencer’s Gifts.

(2) Not to be outdone by Glenn Beck’s escalating craziness, notable fatass and reformed pain killer addict Rush Limbaugh this week endorsed segregated buses and equated racism to homosexuality. All this in response to some white nerd being beaten up on a school bus by a bunch of the cool black kids. Welcome to high school, loser. Thinking about it, maybe our delicate white children do need separating from those scary blacks. How are our precious white flowers supposed to blossom into future (corrupt) lawyers, (corrupt) politicians, and (rapist) lacrosse players if they’re grown in a field fertilized with hip-hop, grape soda, and general thuggery. And doesn’t being exposed to smarter white children just simultaneously hurt the confidence of black kids, thus impeding their ability to dunk a basketball or start a trashcan fire? We hear ya, Rush. It’s a lose-lose. And if that sounded racist to some of you limousine liberals out there, fuck off, we were born this way! Just like the gays can’t stop themselves from making sweet man love, we can’t stop ourselves from expressing our ignorant, narrow-minded prejudices. Hopefully our church offers the appropriate reeducation classes.

"We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human spirit is still alive."

(1) In news that hit the Culture Blues offices especially hard, Patrick Swayze died this week after a brutal battle with pancreatic cancer, in which he was unable to rip out the cancer's throat. Swayze made movies that were otherwise lame and girly like Dirty Dancing and Ghost enjoyable for men. Bodhi may have just been a character in a great film (this week is not a good time for anyone to vocalize ignorant opinions about how Point Break is stupid, a "guilty pleasure," or any other bullshit - 10 out of 10, motherfucker), but Patrick Swayze will always be remembered as a "modern savage."

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Jason Arican, and Cheese contributed to this Countdown

Let's face it:  All the people at this party are way cooler than you. They know things. They're capable of substantive conversation about what's going on in the world. You? You're a wreck; a sweaty, stammering mess of non-sequitors, a cultural void. But all that can change! Your real friends at Culture Blues have put together a weekly rundown of worthwhile topics for you to wow these pretentious jerks with, maybe even gain back some self respect. Your social redemption starts here.

(15) They finally caught and murdered the chupacabra. That’s right, some texan with a few pellets of rat poison did what all of Mexico has been unable to do for centuries. Unfortunately, since he’s dead, the chupacabra will not be able to give us any information regarding the whereabouts of the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, Puff the Magic Dragon or Osama Bin Laden no matter how much we torture his corpse – and we are going to torture the corpse.

The only Marvel/Disney crossover we'll endorse.

(14) Corporate onanists exploded all over their Blackberrys this week when Disney purchased Marvel comics. Marvel stock prices soared while comic book fans (like us) wondered what this might mean for a medium that, over the past few years, has grown increasingly adult (Marvel has actually spent the last five years slowly turning their universe into a giant parallel for the War on Terror). In order to reassure skeptical fans that Marvel wouldn’t be losing its edge, Disney released early cover art for the first planned crossover (see left). Other fallout included FOX, who owns the rights to Fantastic Four as long as they keep making shitty movies, green lighting four more Vic Mackey packed sequels. Oh, and the evil megaconglomerates that control everything you see and hear just got a little more bloated. Get them next, Castle.

(13) So Jenna Bush got herself a new job on the Today Show as a person that does whatever happens on the Today Show. And apparently, some people have gotten all worked up about it. Look, this is how things work in 2009. We take the dumbest, most reprehensible people society has to offer, and we put them on TV. If they have a sex tape or seem likely to star in a sex tape, we give them a reality show. Otherwise, they get to be a “personality” in some little corner of the entertainment world that no one gives a fuck about. And it’s a good thing it works like this, cause when we mess up and one slips through the cracks, it all goes to shit.

(12) LiveNation lackey Guerrilla Union is teaming up with Cypress Hill to bring back Smokeout, a marijuana themed music festival which this year will also feature something called a Cannabis Cup (seriously guys?) and a Medical Marijuana Expo (WTF?). We’re not sure what’s ickier: the pot counter culture striving for the same kind of pathetically desperate mainstream acceptance that the porn industry has, that you’ll have to buy tickets to this weed celebration through Ticketmaster or Ticketmaster2, or the fact that they are touting Sublime as “very special guests.” Oh wait, we take it back. That’s the worst part. Very special guests indeed!

(11) This article about Chris Brown’s first interview since "the misunderstanding" includes the following gem of a Chris Brown quote “I just need to prove to people I can be a role model.” We don’t think he was trying to be funny. So in the interest of helping a brother out… Chris Brown, role models don’t beat the shit out of their girlfriends. They also don’t respond to questions about the aforementioned shit-beating  by saying “That doesn’t sound like something I would do.”

The Farmers' Almanac predicts a highly likelihood of the whole world going to shit.

(10) The 2010 edition of the Farmers’ Almanac was released this week. The almanac dates back to 1818 and is a perfect gift for people who want a more long-term and well-informed picture of how climate change is going to eradicate humanity. This year’s catastrophe: a cold-ass winter. ROLAND EMMERICH WAS RIGHT!!!

(9) Sony has announced they plan to release TVs, Blu-Ray players and Playstations with 3-D capabilities in 2010. The plan, aimed at driving the Joneses further into debt than ever before, is sure to put pressure on Sony's competitors. There are rumors that Apple is going to respond by announcing plans for a chip that is implanted directly into your brain that shuffles all your feelings for you. Hurray!

We're coming for you, Endless Shrimp

(8) Last week Yahoo teamed up with Men’s Health for another one of those alarmist articles about the dangers of eating like the fat Americans we are. This week’s target: pizza! Here at Culture Blues, we are all for people being more aware of the nutritional value of foods they consume. But keep your politics in your pocket, all right? The quote “There's nothing impressive about eating an entire pizza by yourself,” shows two fundamental misconceptions on the part of the writers. 1) Actually, it is impressive. 2) We don’t eat the whole stuffed crust Meat Lovers’ pizza to impress you. We do it cause it’s fucking delicious. We spend 3 hours at Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp to impress you.

(7) OK, you are a government municipality; you have $10,000 burning a hole in your pocket. Do you A) Fix up potholes in your streets B) Start a job training program to try to help your city's less fortunate, or C) Start a campaign to stop the children and young adults in your city from wearing their pants too low. Yep, government in action. Telling people what to do since the Eisenhower Administration.

(6) Nothing’s going to stop Andy Roddick from getting his tweet on at the U.S. Open. He wasn't too happy with the new regulations passed down from the Tennis Integrity Unit, whatever that oxymoronic entity is. “You would seriously have to be a moron to send ‘inside info’ through a tweet” Roddick so liberally tweeted. That doesn’t stop us from imagining a hypothetical tweet revealing such sensitive insider info: “Men’s locker room out of T.P. Federer just used Prince racquet head to wipe. Wonder how he’ll be movin’ on the court in Round 2.” BTW, we tweet “inside info” all the time – like our PIN numbers, our blood types, and the combination to the safe that holds our “Rapture Preparedness” weapons cache. Follow us NOW!

He does kind of look like the grim reaper.

(5) If you’re “lucky” enough to work in an office that has the Captivate Network in its elevators, then you’ve probably already noticed the out of date “news” articles sponsored by the Jay Leno Show about how laughter is good for your health. The most suspicious of these articles claims that hospitals use humor to help patients tolerate pain longer. “The Jay Leno Show – here to shut down your nervous system and ease you into the cool embrace of the afterlife! Weeknights at 10.”

(4) A 65-year old anti-health (care reform) protestor lost a pinkie finger at a rally on Wednesday night, when another man “ate it”. Described by the victim as a “deranged individual,” this liberal cannibal is still on the run from Johnny Law. Meanwhile, our nine-finger defender of liberty discussed the secret government agenda and the price of freedom (have you heard? it isn’t free) during an unintentional comedy packed appearance with Neil Cavuto. Luckily, he’s on Medicaid.

The British Charles Bronson

(3) Here’s your awesome trailer for the week:  Bronson. It’s about a British career criminal and it should be making its way to the States shortly. People who’ve seen Bronson use words like “Kubrickian.” They also believe Tom Hardy’s performance could do for him what Chopper did for Eric Bana. Also, it isn’t directed by Guy Ritchie. So, it’s got that going for it.

(2) Keanu Reeves celebrated a birthday this week! When you’re out this weekend, ask your friends what their favorite Keanu movie is. If the answer isn’t Point Break, you should probably end that friendship. By the way, if you’re in New York this weekend, we’ll be holding an intimate celebration for Keanu at the Bears’ Only Café – now open for bearsness.

(1) This week in 1783, the Treaty of Paris was signed effectively ending the American Revolutionary War. September 3 should be celebrated instead of the Fourth of July, since it's the day we actually became “independent” as opposed to a bunch of whiny, privileged insurgents who didn't like paying taxes. But Will Smith movies wouldn't make as much money in September.

Happy Treaty of Paris Day, everyone! Also, today marks Culture Blues' one month anniversary! Thanks to all of us for writing these articles for free. You're welcome, readers.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Zach Falk, Ariel Loutre and Cheese contributed to this Countdown

(15) So apparently, amber alerts aren't bullshit after all. Following a deluge of e-mails to our offices (ok, one e-mail, and fine, we don't have offices), the editors of Culture Blues would like to correct an item from last week's Countdown. Amber alerts have nothing to do with the rainbow terror index popularized by the Republican nightmare squad. In fact, amber alerts are a tool used by local law enforcement, and total badasses like John Walsh, to get the word out on missing children. We bet you didn't know that either, you ignorant little girl. Now come on, help us look for our lost puppy.

"What the hell's Brett Favre doing here?"

(14) We should all be thankful that the Brett Favre drama is over now that he has officially signed with and thrown a completed pass for the Minnesota Vikings. But if you’re a former Brett head who’s still incensed that he’s sleeping with the enemy, the Wisconsin Guys would like you to donate your old #4 jersey rather than burn it, tear it apart or eat it. At least something good has come out of this inexorable nonsense. I just hope Minnesota security doesn’t mistake the notoriously unkempt Favre for one of the beneficiaries.

(13) Our favorite world leader Silvio Berlusconi has worked himself into a litigious frenzy over newspapers besmirching his totally platonic relationship with 18 year old model Noemi Letizia, who calls him “Daddy.” Mr. Berlusconi has also been questioned about choosing numerous showgirls as candidates for his conservative People of Freedom party. And to top it all off, there might be a tape of Mr. Berlusconi frolicking with the Italian “equal opportunities” minister (a former showgirl herself) and the Sarah Palin-esque education minister.  The only thing that Mr. Berlusconi can be accused of here is being too awesome for words.

(12) Jay-Z’s tender embrace of Drake during long nights in the studio finally produced tangible results this week when a collabo off the upcoming Blueprint 3 leaked. In “Off That”, Jay goes into the various aspects of life that he’s now “off”, including big chains, baggy clothes, and racism: “This ain’t black vs. white, my nigga we off that / Please tell Bill O'Reilly to fall back / Tell Rush Limbaugh to get off my balls / This 2010 not 1864.” The beef stems from Billy-O’s criticism of Hov’s verse on “My President”. O’Reilly responds to the latest jab by rolling his eyes and comparing Jay to Otis Redding- a black musician from an entirely different genre. Because that’s not racist at all, Dan Patrick. Props to Rush for at least having something funny to retort.

G-Man

(11) Lets all take a moment to appreciate the mustache George Clooney is rocking in The Men Who Stare at Goats trailer. The movie, an adaptation of the excellent Jon Ronson book, deals with the American military’s covert attempts to manufacture them some jedi. True story. Aren’t the horrifying antics of our inept government just absolutely hilarious?

(10) A clear front-runner in the "Headline of the Millennium" award race emerged this week, in the form of "Madonna booed in Bucharest for defending Gypsies".  Apparently Madge tried to express herself by shining a ray of light on the nomadic ethic group, saying "It has been brought to my attention ... that there is a lot of discrimination against Romanies and Gypsies in general in Eastern Europe.  It made me feel very sad." L Looks like she crossed over the borderline, as racism is still very much in vogue, and the Romanians certainly did not justify her love.  Sounds like she needs a holiday! Madonna was conspicously mum on the plight of tramps and thieves.

(9) WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! The New York Times reports that health insurance employees don’t like it when President Obama calls them “greedy, soulless leeches mercilessly feeding off the lifeblood of a country that was totally awesome before they showed up” (not an actual quote). Guess what, when someone says “I’m certainly not villainous or immoral in any way, shape or form,” grab something sharp and get ready to run them through, cause they’re lying and are about to make you pay too much for your heart medicine.

50 Cent's afraid of the Batman.

(8) 50 Cent has pushed back the release of his next album Who Gives a Fuck, once again, from September 29th into November. While no one cares when 50’s self proclaimed “perfect” album actually does surface, you have to wonder – what happened to the hubris? Ducking Jay-Z’s release date was one thing, but ducking the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and Batman?!? That is most definitely NOT gangsta.

(7) Here’s a funny story that we find oddly depressing: on a trip to Spain to celebrate the 10^th anniversary of American Pie, Jason Biggs was attacked by a monkey. Why does this make us so sad? First, Jason Biggs has been typecast as the bumbling retard in his own day-to-day life. Second, it sounds like the only other American Pie alum on the anniversary tour was Eddie Kaye Thomas (he played the “smart” one). Do you think these American Pie reunions have been garnering smaller and smaller turnout every year – Alyson Hannigan screening her calls, Sean William Scott busy with some “acting”, Chris Klein out of vacation days at the Home Depot – until it’s just Biggs and Kaye, sighing in unison, going through the motions, trying desperately to recapture what it was like when they first fell in love? Breaks our hearts.

(6) Allow us a moment to mercilessly geek out. A Batman video game came out this week. Finally, we can live out our lifelong fantasy of being the caped crusader. Fighting crime, being the world's greatest detective, wearing a billowy cape, speaking in a raspy voice, having a butler - at last it can all be ours! That's some good escapism.

Jessica Biel wants to eat your motherboard (We googled this at work - don't tell our bosses)

(5) Don’t Google Jessica Biel! McAfee has reported that searching for the 7^th Heaven actress can expose your computer to dangerous spyware and viruses. As if the rational public needed any more reasons to avoid her.

(4) Surely you’ve already experienced some of the lame outrage over KFC’s new bunless chicken burger the Double Down (Trent). Granted this new menu item isn’t appetizing in the least but is it really worse than what’s already out there. No, it’s not. KFC claims the Double Down weighs in at a paltry 590 calories, and the Vancouver Sun is willing to concede the point. 590 calories? That’s a health conscious item in the 2009 American fast food landscape. Let’s not all forget KFC’s greatest crime – the fact that it isn’t Popeye’s.

(3) This week in 1927, the United States Government murdered Ferdinando Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti. The Sacco and Vanzetti case is irrefutable proof, and a grim reminder, that torture and a blatant disregard for civil liberties have been used by the government to weed out perceived “[enemies] of our existing institutions” (presiding Judge Thayer’s words) long before Guantanamo was part of the popular lexicon. If anyone gives you guff about Sacco and Vanzetti being anarchists (they were) and terrorists (they probably were), remind them that everyone in the modern era, including then Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis, agrees that, regardless of innocence or guilt, “the high standards of justice… failed Sacco and Vanzetti.”

Here to escort you... to extinction.

(2) Forget SkyNET and the Terminators (and forget James Cameron, while we’re at it). The real rise of the machines is already underway in Japan and, like all things Japanese, it is both adorable and horrifying. Yes, that is a 400 pound robotic teddy bear. It’s meant to assist nurses in moving around lazy sick people, but we’re thinking it’s more like the coolest form of transportation since the Segway. We’d like to officially announce that Culture Blues is accepting donations to buy us a robot slave. We need a RIBA around here, we’re tired of walking! We’d also accept a trained grizzly bear to ride on. Whatever’s cheaper.

(1) NBC executive Brandon Tartikoff died 12 years ago this week at the age of 48. Yes, the guy from the end of the “very special” drugs episode of Saved by the Bell was a real person. And he helped bring us some of the best television shows ever: Hill Street Blues, Cheers, St. Elsewhere, The Cosby Show, Miami Vice, The Golden Girls and Hunter. Absolutely blow your friends’ fucking minds by explaining to them that if St. Elsewhere is all a dream, then the Tommy Westphall Universe would logically also include every show that shares characters with St. Elsewhere, which series creator and Greatest Man Ever candidate Tom Fontana estimates at “something like 90 percent of all television.”

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Jason Arican, Bill Magee, Ariel Loutre and Cheese contributed to this Countdown

King of the Hipsters

(20) Guy Trebay writes in the New York Times that Brooklyn hipsters are rocking guts this summer. Stop the presses - hipsters aren’t working on their cores! The biggest takeaway here: be proud of your gut. And if people try to crack jokes, tell them you’re anti-establishment and want less women in the workplace.

(19) Harvey Weinstein and his brother whose name no one can ever remember were the subject of a New York Times article this week. The article portrays the brothers as savvy movie producers whose recent hard times have been caused by them getting away from what they know best. Harvey owns up to more mistakes than most people would probably expect, given his reputation. Of course, it’s kind of easy to admit mistakes when you’re on the comeback trail thanks to an Oscar win for Kate Winslet’s boobs and the new Tarantino hotness (in theaters today).

(18) Sci-fi enthusiasts (and scumbags) crashed the official Avatar site this week when tickets for 16 minute previews of the film went on sale. Tickets have since appeared on Ebay at exorbitant prices that no one’s going to pay. Argghh! If we could only send a robot back in time to murder these scalpers, then we could all go back and… oh, the trailer’s up online. Huh, it looks dumb. Ok. Nevermind.

(17) Have you ever wondered what the syllabus at Crazy School looks like? Well, wonder no more! Although, we still have to wonder where these fun-loving seminary kids find the time for all that trolling in between three-a-day sexual reorientation classes.

(16) Oliver Stone is bringing a 10-part documentary series to Showtime entitled The Secret History of America. The series will look at “under-reported” events of the past 60 years and share newly discovered facts. That’s right, Oliver Stone is going to produce a documentary based on facts. What’s next, Roland Emmerich producing a documentary on prehistory? How about the guy who directed Young Guns producing a documentary on the old West?

(15) Here’s a safe topic to bring up around family and friends this weekend:  the misconduct trial of lady-judge Sharon “Killer” Keller, whose enforcement of a strict “we close at 5” rule on the judicial system prevented a last-minute appeal from a death row inmate. Another reason not to mess, murder, or rape, with Texas.

(14) Bollywood megastar Shah Rukh Khan was detained for questioning at the Newark airport last Friday. He was on U.S. soil to promote My Name is Khan, a film coincidentally about racial profiling after September 11. Luckily for him, Khan managed to answer all interrogation questions correctly by recalling a series of memories from his coming of age in the Indian slums.

(13) Want more Hancock? Will Smith and Peter Berg are pretty sure you do. They are tossing around ideas for a sequel that would, you know, expand the convoluted and nonsensical mythology that no one cared about in the first place. Please almighty Hancock in heaven let lightning strike the set...twice! We’d rather see a sequel to Seven Pounds called Seven Pounds of Shit where Will Smith takes dumps on front lawns for 90 minutes (we’re already working on the treatment).

(12) It looks like Gerard Butler fulfilled the fantasy of famous men everywhere, stuffing Jennifer Aniston in a car trunk.  The smiling men with cameras suggest that this is just a silly scene from an almost certainly terrible upcoming film, but our guess is that Butler finally had enough of Jen mouthing off about her inability to keep a (famous) man, her readiness for a baby, and how awesome Vitamin Water is.  Expect this to be on the cover of Life & Style next week.

(11)  Kind of Blue, the best-selling jazz album of all time (and here's some explanation why) turned 50 this week. To this day, Miles’ range is still so impressive. Whether you’re sitting in a smoky living room discussing potential web site ventures with your lame friends or you’re stumbling into your bedroom late night with a guest, his trumpet harmonizes with the occasion. This weekend, throw on this commemorative soundtrack to help unleash your brainstorm or sexify your blank-walled sleeping cell.

Forget Miles Davis. This is where it's at.

(10) On Thursday we celebrated the births of two legendary hip-hoppers:  KRS-One and Fred Durst. You remember that song about…what was it? Breaking Stuff? Man, that was so good.

(9) It’s the third Friday in August. You know what that means, right? Happy Hawaii Admission Day! That’s right – today marks the 50^th anniversary of our 50^th states’ glorious acceptance into the Union. Lets all celebrate with a nice bottle of Don Ho.

(8) Some people love long walks on the beach, but Bob Dylan, not surprisingly, prefers skulking about low-income housing communities. Apparently a lingering figure with a hoodie and dark raincoat blowin’ in the rainy Jersey Shore wind raises enough suspicion for a cop call rather than an offer of shelter from the storm. Perhaps more bizarre was the officers’ (yes that’s an apostrophe, there were multiple cultural ignoramuses on the scene) failure to recognize him. At least it probably worked in his favor that they also had no idea one of his most famous songs shat on their state’s police force. Dylan was unable to present any ID, but the cops didn’t give him too hard a time. Full disclosure: Bob Dylan is white.

(7) Professional Reality TV Show Contestant Omarosa has joined a Methodist seminary in hopes of becoming a priest. If you don’t think that this is some sort of publicity stunt/long con, you aren’t nearly cynical enough.

(6) This week, Weezer announced that their next album Raditude will be in stores Oct. 27^th. The first single, (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To was also “released.” Let’s forget the music for a second. You’ve gone from naming albums after opera characters to a combination of “radical” and “attitude.” Guys, I have an idea for your next album… Bad Dudes.

(5) In case you haven’t figured it out by now:  amber alerts are bullshit! Former Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge, the latest in the cavalcade of neoncons trying to re-brand (see also: Tom DeLay), confesses in his new book that some of those terror alerts (like the ones right before an election, say?) might have been just a tiny bit politically motivated. Don’t be scared, America! We were just goofing. By the way, the subtitle of Ridge’s book (where we bet he also finds him some Jesus) begins “America Under Siege..”. Do we have any special colors for irony alerts?

(4) David Letterman and Renee Zellweger came together to make television history Thursday as they took swings at a guacamole filled piñata.  As the piñata lay defeated on the Late Show stage, total bad-ass Zellweger sampled the piñata’s innards barehanded, crying bloodthirstily, "Where are the chips?!"  Perhaps the rumors of a cannibalism plot twist in Bridget Jones III carry some weight after all.  Where are the chips, indeed.

He's probably sad about Novak

(3)  The Little League World Series will be hijacking the ESPN family of networks starting today. Look, the LLWS is only interesting when there is a birth certificate faking or excessive showboating. Outside of that, it’s just a grim reminder that not only are these kids significantly better than you at age 12, they’re potentially more athletic than you are now. Attempt to take solace in the fact that most of these kids will have peaked before they make it to high school.

(2)  Food Network has announced that Olympic figure skater and world class sissy Brian Boitano will be hosting his own cooking show entitled What Would Brian Boitano Make? That’s right it’s a reference to the South Park song which is the last bit of relevancy Boitano enjoyed. We’re going to forego any sort of commentary on how these self-aware inter-cultural references are making the universe fold in on itself or how worthless these “cooking” shows are, and instead just bask in the glory of Vote or Die. “Shake your titties when you vote, bitch!”

(1) Notable political reporter Robert “The Prince of Darkness” Novak died on Tuesday morning. You may know Novak as the guy who dropped dime on CIA agent Valerie Plame, setting off a shitstorm of First Amendment debate, the eventual shift in connotation of the nickname “Scooter” from spunky to sleazy, and a push for the Plame-Joe Wilson power couple campaign of summer ’05.   Doesn’t ring a bell? Perhaps you remember Novak from his role as a transition device in the movie Dave.

Unbeknownst to many, Novak was a closet flip-flopper. He was originally a Democratic supporter of JFK and LBJ and even converted to Catholicism from Judaism late in life. RIP, you glorious douchebag of liberty.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, Zach Falk, Jason Arican, Bill Magee, and Cheese contributed to this Countdown

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Keeping the blacks out of office since 18...aw, shit

 1)   Freedom means being able to pack heat at an Obama town-hall meeting! Check out this nutjob exerting his constitutionally protected right to creep everybody out. Of course, he’s a libertarian, a party we feel safe pigeon-holing as book-learned right wingers with anarchist tendencies that think we’re still fighting the Revolutionary War. Well, at least he’s well-spoken. Just like Tim McVeigh. See ya at the militia meeting.

2) The latest iteration of the hugely popular Madden video game released today, causing adult males across the country to call in sick to work. We’ve come a long way from passing windows and box-like players. It’s all right to feel nostalgic, but try not to bring up the nuances of your franchise-world or your preferred skill-slider settings at any public gathering this weekend. No one cares. 

  3) The trailer for Heath Ledger’s last performance has finally arrived. The Terry Gilliam directed project looks to be a mash up of his own Adventures of Baron Munchhausen and a Tim Burton movie. Regardless of the quality of the movie or Ledger’s performance, after the iconic and haunting Joker, it unfortunately looks like Ledger is headed for this list. 

Stop beating your wife! The fungus commands it!

4) Someone alert King T’Challa! There’s a fungus in Thailand (that’s in Africa, right?) that turns ants into zombies. It won’t be long until the deadly essence of nature’s first necromancer is distilled and weaponized by the evil Controller.

 5) If people are still mourning the loss of Michigan state treasure John Hughes, steer the conversation away from touchy subjects like race and the joyless nature of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Instead focus on Hughes’ chosen pseudonym, Edmond Dantes, and how it’s a clear indication that he will return in a few years with a plot to destroy all who betrayed him… and a screenplay for National Lampoon’s Chateau d’if Vacation.

6) No. 1 with a laser: G.I. Joe ruled this past week as no. 1 at the box office, but cool people are only interested in the avant garde world of GI Joe stop motion animation. They give us what the movie couldn’t: tense shootouts, ultra-realistic bloodshed, and Dreadnoks (feel free to ignore the existential plot and skip to the 2:50 mark when the 'Noks show up).

7) Last week, Radiohead released a song in honor of Harry Patch, the last surviving UK veteran of WWI who recently passed away. Breathe a sigh of relief fans, it’s exactly what you are looking for. Assuming you were looking for 8 lines of lyrics spread over 5 and a half minutes of strings so peaceful they’d make Robin Williams fall asleep. That’s what you guys are into, right?

8) A bunch of braniacs basically cured blindness this week, discovering a way for people to see with their tongues. Seriously. It works like this: you wear these stylish sunglasses that transmit images to this iPod looking thingy that is connected to your tongue. The tongue is then shocked by the doo-hickey, and because the tongue has a ton of nerve endings, that electrical current can somehow be transmitted to your brain as sight. Or something. They explain it better here. Every day, we inch closer and closer to Kurzweil’s singularity. Personally, I’m not ready for the machine overlords to make me immortal, but I am ready to taste with my eyeballs. Get cracking, science!

9) The inevitable The Walking Dead comics-to-something adaptation looks settled. The zombie outbreak survivors’ odyssey will be transforming into a series on AMC with Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile) spearheading the project. This is all good news as television is the medium best suited for a Walking Dead adaptation and AMC is on a winning streak of late. Please discuss casting possibilities amongst yourself.

10) A self-congratulating Jay-Z, delusional about the impact of Roc-A-Wear on the world at large, collaborates with a check cashing Spike Lee for a 10-year anniversary commercial about, what else, a delusional consumer. If anyone asks, you only have 4 Jay-Z albums on your iPod: Reasonable Doubt, The Blueprint (1.000), American Gangster and Best of Both Worlds with R. Kelly.

11) Variety is reporting that Bryan Singer has signed on to direct and produce the big screen adaptation of Battlestar Galactica. Aren’t we done with this yet? Isn’t there some rule against adapting a show that’s hasn’t even been off the air for a couple years? Maybe Singer, presumably a fan of the property, is going to do us all a favor and remake that epic failure of a season finale. He can recast Brandon Routh as Starbuck and change intervening angels into Krytonians. Brilliant!

Has Lloyd taught you nothing, Ari?

13) Socialist=Nigger: Carlos Watson overreaches a little bit with his claim that the word "socialist" has become code for "nigger." I'm pretty sure that's not what people mean when they call me a socialist. His whole point, however, that in our society words and phrases often become rallying cries and weapons detached from what they actually mean, and that this is a dangerous practice that undermines serious discussion and damages language, is extremely astute and on target.

14) Rumors are flying that Lady Gaga might actually be a man or a hermaphrodite. If anyone brings it up, take the high road. Pretend you don’t know who Lady Gaga is until someone (anyone!) is forced to sing Poker Face. Then tell them you don’t care if it has a penis, vagina, mangina or venis – that’s its business. 

It's wet, aint' it? Drink it!

15) Following in the footsteps of fmylife and textsfromlastnight (I’m not looking up their URLs, google them if you are that out of touch), the internet now gives us itwasoverwhen. Seriously what is it with these sites? They’re like postsecret without any of the creativity or assumed catharsis. Hordes of anonymous people post intimate details about their life so that web-users can zone out in front of nugget narratives all so that the ad wizards behind these sites can make a few bucks. The real kicker is that they’re all FAKE!

16) Matronly actress Anne Ramsey passed away 20 years ago this week. Known for her roles as Mama Fratelli in Goonies and the “momma” in Throw Momma From the Train. It’s nice to know that through it all, she still has a good sense of humor. Owen! Owen!! OWEEENN!!!  

 Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, and Bill Magee contributed to this countdown