Cee-Lo Green “Fuck You” – The internet compelled me to link to this. It’s playful and coy just like the song, but it adds nothing to what is already an internet phenomenon. I wish Cee-Lo all the best though; I heard he’s still paying off his brat daughter’s Super Sweet Sixteen.

BLOCK!

2 Hungry Bros ft. 8thw1, P.SO & Fresh Daily “Can’t Win ‘Em All” – Not enough people get body slammed into swimming pools in music videos.

Chromeo “Don’t Turn the Lights On” – Somehow practical effects just always beat CGI. A little long but full of entertaining gags and tricks.

Kanye West “Power” – Well now I see why director Marco Brambilla preferred to think of this as a video piece rather than a music video. It only covers one verse from the song. Still, it’s visually striking and I love how it starts so simple and as the camera slowly pulls back it quickly becomes congested and overwhelming. Also, check out this early version of the video. It offers a glimpse into the creative process and breasts.

I hate all four of you

Dev “Booty Bounce” – What do you get when you mix a subdued hipster chick with dance beats and played out rap lingo? Fucking terrible music. Yet, director Ethan Lader has created a music video that I am forced to recommend you check out. Precise yet basic editing ascends to dazzling visual trickery. If only the video weren’t for a bad Ke$ha rip off.

NLX “Young Love” – Back in June, we had the opportunity to interview NLX at NXNE. This month, she popped back up with a new video. The low-key, foul mouthed pop on display here is imminently listenable, and the polished video features an almost hypnotic game of jump rope in which players stay in the air for seconds. I just wish there was more Double Dutch and less interpretive dance.

Wavves “Post Acid” – From the John Norris intro to the Waiting to Exhale t-shirt to the special effects, this video so desperately wants to take you back to the 90s. And it works. If you told me that you remembered seeing this on 120 Minutes back in 1992, I’d have no choice but to believe you. And for some reason, I absolutely love that.

Sweet Mars-hawk, Catalano

30 Seconds to Mars “Closer to the Edge” – Jared Leto’s band offers up a Tour Retrospective which actually seems to be a big commercial for a live DVD (although I’m not sure because I’m stubbornly refusing to look it up). The craftsmanship is largely admirable. They hit some of the requisite high notes for this kind of video. But there’s also obnoxious text on the screen gratuitously holding your hand and at times telling you what to think (don’t tell me the kid standing on other people is awesome, he’s at a 30STM show, he’s not that awesome), and hanging over the whole thing is a pandering sentiment I find tiresome, insincere and basically revolting: the fans are important. It didn’t work for Taylor Swift and it doesn’t work here. If I wanted to hear juvenile philosophizing from your fans, I’d go to your message board. Also, points off for a one minute long credit sequence for a standard video, even though it does feature clips that should have been in the video proper (including Leto living out his pro wrestling fantasies with a Triple H water spew).

Drake ft. Lil’ Wayne “Miss Me” – Last month, when I carefully examined his career as a whole, I decided that director Anthony Mandler still hasn’t done much to distinguish himself. And then he drops this snoozefest. Thanks for nothing, Tony!

This is what Paul F. Tompkins thinks of Dev

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists “Bottled in Cork” – With some pseudo-celebrity help, Ted Leo & The Pharmacists effectively skewer all those insufferable pop music inspired Broadway shows. And they slip entertaining opening and closing scenes into a video that's just over five minutes. Good for them.

Bishop Lamont ft. Marsha Ambrosius “Your Lover” – Just when it seems that Bishop Lamont has gone soft, he explains that he is not, in fact, into sitting in the park with snow cones. Then he expounds on the differences between our instant gratification generation and those that came before us. There's a sneaky intelligence in this simple, sincere song. The single shot video that gives him the opportunity to quickly forge a connection with the viewer is a perfect match for such a track.

Spagheeetti! Spagheeeetti!

Eminem ft. Rihanna “Love the Way You Lie” – I should have known it would be an unwieldy mess, and I think it’s safe to say the man behind some of Britney Spears’ biggest videos was not the right choice to direct. Rather than amplify the song's good qualities, the video largely dampens them. Hey, at least we get to see Charlie Pace and the girl from Transformers alternately wrestle and overzealously make out.

Arcade Fire “We Used to Wait” – This “video,” which asks you to input your childhood home and then incorporates Google Earth imagery of the location is many things. It’s a clever and, at least sporadically, triumphant use of new technology to push a somewhat stagnant medium forward. It’s also a blatant attempt to artificially enhance the viewer’s connection to the music. It’s a marketing initiative attempting to coerce you into downloading Google Chrome (I used Firefox because I’m a rebel). It’s super processor heavy and quite likely to make your browser crash. It’s perhaps the most artful use of pop-up windows yet. It’s cool and lame at the exact same time. I applaud the effort though I think the final product shows the rough edges of too much ambition.

Erykah Badu ft. Rick Ross “Window Seat (Remix) + Turn Me Away (Get MuNNY)” – Well, here it is. A collabo I never thought I’d see. It opens with a very solid verse from Ross and then descends into the weirdness you should expect from such an odd pairing. Warning: it ends with a “to be continued.”

When hipsters attack

The Thermals “I Don’t Believe You” – A woman tears her house apart hunting for little speakers to make The Thermals stop. But why would she want to? The song is terrific.

VIDEO OF THE MONTH: Of Montreal “Coquet Coquette” – This was a tough choice. There was lots of very good stuff this month but nothing truly outstanding. In the end, I went with the only video that features warring tribes savagely murdering each other on a beach. I don’t know what the hell's going on but it sure is fantastic. It’s like Lord of the Flies meets Braveheart. But with more corpse humping. 

Like Johnny Quest but with more government conspiracies

ONGOING VIDEO EPIC OF THE MONTH: Ill Bill “Kill Devil Hills” – I didn’t initially recommend Part 1: Cult Assassin because I didn’t think it stood well enough on its own and I was uncertain we would ever see further installments. Now, just a month later, Part 2: Kill Devil Hills has already been released and the plot is thickening. I think it’s safe to get on board this “retro saga.” You can check out this trailer for the whole thing. It’s basically Ill Bill’s Illuminati paranoia and gun fantasies as an 80s action cartoon. Seemingly intent on giving away his entire new album in the form of videos, Bill also released an extremely low budget, action movie-esque clip for Ill Bill TV that would make Robert Rodriguez proud, what with all the CGI muzzle flashes and bloodspray. I’ll cover the full Kill Devil Hills epic in more detail once all four parts have been released.

SEPTEMBER VIDEO TO WATCH FOR

Here’s a preview of Raekwon’s upcoming Ason Jones video. A tribute to ODB that appears to appeal not only to the sense of loss that accompanies the death of a one of a kind artist, but also to the nostalgia associated with the early 90s when the Wu-Tang Clan was a bunch of early 20-somethings who drastically changed the landscape of rap music and the music industry. It’s shaping up to be a real tearjerker. “The way he did it with a mic and some wine.” Indeed.

News

What minstrels play in Silicon Valley.

Cha-ching!!!: Steve Jobs busted out the ol’ business outfit this week to deliver the keynote speech at the Apple Media Event on Wednesday, in San Francisco, California. This years conference was billed as “music themed” and among the topics discussed were a slew of new innovations and shiny things that you will no doubt be spending your money and time on in the coming months; most intriguing of these is Ping. The mission statement of Ping is simple, yet revolutionary. Apple intends for it to be a “social network for music”, which will essentially allow iTunes’ 160 million users to connect with their friends for music recommendations. Jobs himself described Ping as “Facebook and twitter meets iTunes” and, if it can deliver even a sliver of the proposed experience, there is no doubt that Ping will be the next “next big thing." With its Facebook-style layout, and a Last.fm-like scrobbling feature, Ping will allow users to see each other's tastes, concerts they will be attending and much more. There will also be artist pages, where you will be able to see what their recommendations are, read their status updates and even leave them comments. It seems that Apple’s dream unicorn (by which I mean research and development department) has come up with another stellar idea- only time will tell if this will be another of the company’s successes, or another Apple TV fiasco (which, btw, they claim they’ve fixed).

I know where these two will be spending their honeymoon.

D'Oh!: Atlanta born rapper, and part-time actor T.I. and his wife Tameka “Tiny” Cottle were arrested Wednesday night in Los Angeles, California. According to TMZ, law enforcement officials pulled T.I. over after he made an illegal U-turn on Sunset Boulevard. Once they approached the rappers’ Maybach (to quote Jason, “ballin”) the authorities smelled marijuana; they subsequently searched the vehicle and found what is reported to be “a small amount” of ecstasy (allegedly). Basically, T.I. was engaging in the kind of activity that is completely recommended for people who are on probation after serving seven months on a weapons conviction (well played, sir!). This setback couldn’t have come at a worse time for T.I. who just recently married Cottle, and is starring in the #1 movie in America. After they both posted $10,000 bail, and were subsequently released on Thursday, Cottle fired up the twitter (of course she did) and left fans this message "Jus wanted 2say thank u 2every1 dats been leaving encouraging msgs & prayers! We love u guys:) going 2bed now! So glad 2b n a nice clean bed." Obviously Ms Cottle is either 12 or an English major.

I want one of each: The obsessive zeal of a collector is an all encompassing and powerful force. Jay-Z and the Yankees hope to capitalize on their devoted fans’ mania by joining forces to release a limited line of memorabilia commemorating Jigga’s upcoming shows at the house that George Steinbrenner built. Among the items to be produced: a series of t-shirts with Yankees and Jay-Z branding, an S. Carter #4 jersey (while Jay’s birthday is December 4th, it's unknown if he is a particular fan of Lou Gherig), and a totally awesome looking, all-black, fitted Yankee cap with the Blueprint 3 logo on the side. So far the response by fans has been very favorable, and the Yankees claim that it’s already among the best-selling limited run lines that they have ever produced. It is still unclear if Eminem (who will be sharing the bill with Jay at both Yankee Stadium and Comerica Park, home of the Detroit Tigers) will reach a similar merchandising deal with the Detroit Tigers, but probably not; after all, we are talking about Detroit here.

Aargh!!!

Now they are just trying to make people angry: In an effort to promote their newest commemorative issue, “The Beatles 100 Greatest Songs”, Rolling Stone stirred up a real hornet's nest on the interwebs last week by posting the top ten tracks on their site. As we all know, The Beatles are kind of popular, and nothing quite riles people up like making “definitive” lists of any sort... so forums and blogs from here to Liverpool were ablaze with opinions and rants of contention and objection. As I was doing my research for this blurb, I read dozens of sites and threads that were responses to Rolling Stone’s list. The vast majority of them angrily disagreed, not just with the list, but with the fact that the publication had the gall to even engage in such an endeavor. Rolling Stone is of course no stranger to this type of “controversy”; through the years they have provoked similar outrages with their “500 Greatest Albums of All Time”, “500 Greatest Songs” and dozens of others (which are, of course, nothing more than cheap attempts to increase readership and stimulate discourse). On that note, don’t forget to read my “Top Ten List of the Best Beatles Songs” further on in this edition of Clef Notes.

State of the industry: In last week's edition of Clef Notes, I warned you all that this day would come; of course, that doesn’t make this any easier to stomach. Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream is the #1 album on the Billboard Top 200 this week, proving that the record-buying population of this country is a bunch of fucking idiots. What was it America, huh? Was it the sophisticated song craft? The immaculate production? Or the elegant cover layout? You guys disappoint me more than George Lucas and your parents combined. What makes things worse is that Teenage Dream's 192,000 units sold marks a chart high for 2010, AND the record’s title track is #1 on the digital downloads chart, making it the second Katy Perry song to hold that position this year (the first is California Gurls, which has pushed over 3,000,000 downloads and is on track to become the most downloaded song of the year). Alas, it doesn’t look like Katy will lose the top spot anytime soon, as the upcoming album release schedule is pretty bleak for the next two weeks... and then Hurley will drop, and my ulcer will continue to bleed.

Reviews

Interpol - Interpol

I am pretty sure Interpol peaked on their first record (sorry scenesters, but you have to move on). Like most, I was a fan of their 2002 debut (Turn Out The Bright Lights) and there were even a couple of jams on Antics which were totally diggable. Unfortunately, Our Love To Admire was pretty much a disaster and, sadly, their self-titled fourth studio LP fares no better. We have all heard Barricade and Lights by now, and both have been pedestrian to say the least (especially the latter- don’t let the slick video fool you). The rest of Interpol is an unfocused sprawl-noir which not only lacks the tightness of their previous records but, most glaringly, the vibrancy. There are a few moments on this record that deserve their due; Success is a solid opener, the piano accompanied Try It On has an almost charming quality to it, and I suppose I could see the merits of Always Malaise (I don’t, actually, but the internet is pretty fond of it at the moment). This is not a Muse situation where my expectations for this record were impossible to meet as I came into this experience lukewarm, and finished it feeling the same way.

Wild Nothing - Gemini

Jack Tatum was a bone-crushing defensive back for the Oakland Raiders. The most famous words he uttered during his playing days were “I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault,” and he was widely vilified for paralyzing Darryl Stingley of the New England Patriots in a pre-season game. That Jack Tatum has nothing to do with the Virginia-born Jack Tatum of Wild Nothing, I was just amused by the name similarity. The guitar slinging Tatum is the newest in a breed of solo-bedroom recorders to write an impressive debut album, and land himself a record deal. Gemini is an ethereal dream-pop record that surprised me with its overall song writing quality, and impressed me with its ability to channel influences. If you are a fan of the halcyon days of the British indie label 4AD (you totally should be) then you need to give this record a try; tracks like Bored Games, Drifter, and The Witching Hour will have you digging some of your old clubbing outfits out of your closet and may make you pick up smoking again.

Goo Goo Dolls - Something For The Rest Of Us

I have never enjoyed the Goo Goo Dolls. Their particular brand of uninspired, post-grunge, excessively insipid, aural monotony was always met by eye rolls and annoyance whenever their waves invaded my space. If you are one of those people who still listens to A Boy Named Goo and Dizzy Up The Girl, then please do us both a favor and stop reading this, jump in your Dodge Neon, go down to your local Best Buy and get this record - if you hurry you could be home in time for Friends. For the rest of you, allow me to sum this record up in one word: yawn. I will admit that I wanted to blast Something For The Rest Of Us; I wanted to verbally eviscerate Johnny Reznik for his “contributions” to our society (because I am a small and hateful person), and I wanted to call this one of the worst things I had ever had the unfortunate displeasure of hearing. Sadly, Something For The Rest Of Us is too banal to properly motivate me to hate it. There is not a single song on this record that elicits any substantial reaction from me, from the obscenely trite and embarrassing Not Broken (about war veterans), to the faux-edge and simplistic hook of Home, there is nothing on this record that is worth your time or consideration.

16th Notes

In the lab, making those hot beats.

Twitter lost an emcee this week as 50 Cent decided he needed a break from the microblogging site to focus on writing his newest record. How easily is this man distracted? After all, we are only talking 140 characters here people... Josh Homme was apparently considering breaking up Queens Of The Stone Age in the wake of bassist Nick Oliveri's departure. Now I just need to find a way to make Guy Berryman leave Coldplay... If I asked you to guess what band just had their new fragrance released here in America, how long do you think it would take you to say the Sex Pistols? Johnny Rotten and company apparently decided they needed slightly bigger mansions... The newest edition of Dr. Dre’s Envy laptops came out this week. I guess it’s good that Dre has all this free time on his hands, it’s not like the public is waiting for him to finish a record that has been delayed for about two years now... Linkin Park announced that they would be performing at this year's VMAs. You don’t care either, huh?... Lastly, Radiohead drummer Phil Selway kicked off the Japanese leg of his solo tour this week. We just need to let him get this out of his system people...

Top Ten List

Like Kurt Cobain’s t-shirt read, “Corporate magazines still suck.” In that spirit I bring you my version of the top ten Beatles songs of all time.

10) Yesterday
9) I Am The Walrus
8) Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
7) Nowhere Man
6) Abbey Road Medley
5) Hey Jude
4) All My Loving
3) Strawberry Fields
2) In My Life
1) A Day In The Life

Track of the Week

Put the Days Away - Sun Airway: When you first hear Put The Days Away by Sun Airway, the “Animal Collective meets The National” correlation is clearly apparent. Is that a problem? No, in fact, it is pretty fucking awesome.

So what do you think are the top ten Beatles songs of all time? Are you excited abut the prospects of Ping?  What sports/music pairing would you like to see?

Twenty bucks says she's reading Eat Pray Love

The recent hullabaloo surrounding the praise and the subsequent backlash against the praise of Jonathan Franzen's recently dropped book Freedom has been sending my brain into a tizzy. I don't enjoy books by Jennifer Weiner, but I don't think the New York Times reviews can be trusted, so I'm getting really confused about who to be pissed off with.

I certainly get sick of repeatedly being exposed to literary darlings like Franzen, Chabon and Lethem, but do Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Weiner actually believe that they deserve to be on the cover of Time? I wasn't a huge fan of The Corrections, but Franzen's writing style blasts Weiner and Picoult out of the water. I haven't read Freedom yet, but I bet it's pretty good. I hope it is, anyway. I hope that all this incredibly positive feedback isn't due solely to the fact that reviewers are hypnotized into thinking it's good, or swayed by advertisers, or trapped in a white-male-author-laudatory vacuum.

Both Picoult and Weiner churn out books faster than I churn out crappy blog posts, and both women sell millions of these books. Jonathan Franzen has written six books since 1988. Weiner has written eight since 2001. Go cry in your big pile of money, Weiner. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you started this. Did you honestly think that President Obama would read In Her Shoes? He's too busy reading Freedom.

If you're trying to get some male readers, how about a book about hot chicks yielding chainsaws?

We don't need The New York Times to introduce people to Jennifer Weiner's new novel on relationships and family -- you'll see it in every bookstore, on the subway, on sale racks at the airport. And the whole reason people like to read these books in the first place is because they want a break from thinking. A book like Freedom needs more help being dissected than a book called The Guy Not Taken.

Weiner and Picoult have complained that their books are called "beach books" and "chick lit", while male authors who write commercial fiction are treated with more seriousness. But this isn't about dicks and vaginas, it's about good writing. There are female commercial authors taken seriously by the New York Times because of their writing skills, like Anne Tyler and Jhumpa Lahiri, just off the top of my head. And even His Royal Highness Jonathan Lethem was lambasted in a review for his most likely shitty novel Chronic City (God, I hate that guy).

Technically, Weiner and Picoult write books that people like to read on the beach or worse -- waiting in line at the supermarket. But who cares as long as they're selling, right? The Weiner twins seem blind to their audience when they (correctly) claim that women read books written by men but men do not read books written by women. It's true, but what kind of dude is going to buy a pink book called Certain Girls? If you want men to read your books, girlies, please meet them half way.

Men, if you're looking for books written by girls that aren't embarrassing to carry around, try stuff by Shirley Jackson, Flannery O'Connor, Dorothy Parker, Sylvia Plath, Margaret Atwood, or Virginia Woolf. Jezebel has compiled a list with Zadie Smith, Edwidge Danticat, V.V. Ganeshananthan, Porochista Khakpour, Mary Gaitskill, and Alice Munro.

But we need female readers to step it up, too. Barnes and Noble and Borders have "Women's Reading" sections with crap like Nora Roberts and Danielle Steele, and it's not without reason. Women are actually going there to buy these books in mass quantities.

I hope for Franzen's sake it's all it's cracked up to be

And when women aren't writing vapid crap, they're writing agenda-heavy stuff. I will probably get my apartment TPed for saying this, but I often tend to sort of maybe skew to liking male authors more anyway. Too often women write trying to really say something, when really all I want is a good story. Where are the great female storytellers or journalists? There are some, but not enough. (And go ahead and TP my apartment, if you can figure out how to do that. I am really mad at my landlord right now.)

I'm sticking with my original goal of not reading NYT reviews, and not reading books by Jennifer Weiner. A NYT review of a Jennifer Weiner book would just make my head explode.

Jeremiah:  Great, I see you’re ready to discuss The American.

Getting sexy.

Jeff:  The American! Come for the taut thriller, stay for the abundance of nudity!

Jeremiah:  I think that sums it up nicely.

Jeff sighs.

Jeremiah:  What’s wrong with you?

Jeff:  I don’t think the usual snarky back-and-forth is really suited to this review, buddy. Sure, that format is perfect for lesser films like Takers or The Expendables, but The American is a serious film that deserves an equally serious critical appraisal. We need to sit down and hash out some real criticism free of one-liners and exclamation points, because this movie deserves it.

Jeremiah:  Back up – did you say The American is better than Takers?

Jeff:  Oh, definitely. Mind you, I want to temper my praise by saying that it’s been a slow year for movies so far, lots of crap, and I might have even missed some of the good stuff. That said – The American is the best movie I’ve seen all year.

Jeremiah:  High praise from someone that gushed about Scott Pilgrim a few weeks ago.

Jeff:  Whatever. We can officially say that we’re out of the vapid summer season because The American is a film unrepentantly made for adults. It’s sophisticated. It’s intelligent. Director Anton Corbijn has meticulously crafted an absolutely gorgeous film. And if all that sounds pretentious or boring – it’s not. The American will get its hooks into you. There are protracted sequences of George Clooney putting together a sniper rifle that will make your palms sweat.

Jeremiah:  It's definitely visually one of the most accomplished films in recent memory, not just because it looks good but also because the images tell the story all by themselves. It all seems so effortless that the dialogue, sparse as it is, seems superfluous and clunky by comparison.

Jeff:  I wouldn't go so far as to call the dialogue superfluous, but I understand your point. There's some great exchanges with Clooney and the priest that I thought had real gravity. The English subtitles threw me a little - I don't think we really needed to know exactly what the Italians were saying, it disturbs the mood. Anyway, Clooney does most of the talking with his EYES.

Jeremiah:  This is a great performance by Clooney. I was a little concerned going in. Clooney's one of the great movie stars of our time, but I'm not sure he's a great actor. Corbijn takes all the pressure off him though. Clooney is able to play it pretty staid and by the end I was still totally emotionally invested in his character's fate.

Step 1 to building a sniper rifle is furrowing your brow.

Jeff:  He also dresses real nice. It's sophisticated, but also ruggedly masculine. Which is what I've got going on here.

Jeff points to his suit and looks in my direction as if to say "told ya so."

Jeff: Moving on! Where does this movie fit in the canon of hitman-in-crisis movies?

Jeremiah:  Well, it's essential viewing, that's for goddamn sure. And it stands out because it doesn't stray nearly as far into comedy as the others do.

Jeff:  Not unless you find breasts funny.

Jeremiah:  It's at the top of the pile though. Right up there with Grosse Pointe Blank and Leon.

Jeff: I agree, I'd rank it up there too. It's much closer to Leon than any of the other hitmen-in-crisis movies, because it's so serious. There's no comic relief, no cynical killing-is-fun bullshit - Clooney is just a gloomy, sad dude. And he never proclaims this or goes into detail about his problems, he doesn't wear it on his sleeve. But the feelings of guilt and loneliness are as palpable in The American as in any movie I've seen, and that goes back to both Clooney's performance and Corbijn's directing.

Jeremiah: One thing that bothered me about The American though: what was up with Clooney's girly butterfly tattoo? It was like an upper deck tramp stamp.

Jeff:  You mean this?

Jeff pulls his jacket and shirt over his head to reveal a crudely drawn Sharpie tattoo of a butterfly between his shoulder blades. It looks like he drew it himself using a mirror.

Jeremiah:  Um... yeah, that.

Jeff:  I thought it was awesome! I mean, his whole thing with butterflies was a little precious but come on, the tattoo is badass!

Jeremiah:  Do you still only drink milk in public because Leon did?

Jeff:  Huh?

Jeff raises a snifter of whole milk aged 5 days to his nose.

Jeff:  I just like it, that's all!

Jeremiah: So I guess since you're giving up on that whole "lets do a serious review" thing that I can leave.

Jeff: Yup!

Jeff reaches into his coat and makes his menacing eyes.

Jeff:  But when you turn your back I'm going to SHOOT YOU and then I'll feel really guilty about it! I'll be so tortured and alone that I will need a beautiful woman to FIX ME.

Jeremiah:  Ok, see ya.

Jeff:  I'm going to have me some of that sexy, Italian guilt.

I spent more time playing video games in August than I have for probably the three previous months combined, and this is thanks in large part to the latest Madden offering which I have surprisingly little to bitch about.  Meanwhile, Jeff and Jeremiah have been playing a lot of Madden ’93, when Buffalo actually had an NFL franchise.  Otherwise, August was a pretty quiet month for video game releases.  September seems to be a bit better.  There’s some Halo game coming out, I guess.  Let’s take a look!

Prison Tycoon Alcatraz, September 1^st (Windows): So basically in this game you build a prison or something, I don’t know.  That’s not the point.  I wanted to use this space to just say how much I would like to play a really hardcore prison sim.  You know, make friends, sell drugs, shiv people, pay off guards, etc.  There are some elements of this in the fantastic Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay game but I really want more grit.

I told you it was pretty

Tom Clancy’s H.A.W.X 2, September 7^th (Xbox 360, PS3): Tom Clancy, in a really bizarre turn of events, has become a pretty reliable name in the world of video games.  I’ve always thought Splinter Cell was underrated and oh boy do I enjoy me some Rainbow Six. This game doesn’t interest me in the slightest, as I loathe flying games other than a select few arcade classics.  But even if you did enjoy this genre, this might be one to stay away from.  Some of the hands-on reports are documenting problems with frame rates and animation.  If they get some of this squared away it could be a solid title, but I’m not holding my breath.  It sure does look pretty though.

NHL ’11, September 7^th (Xbox 360, PS3): For years, hockey was my 2^nd favorite sport to watch.  This is probably not true anymore, but I still think the game is much more enjoyable than most people give it credit for.  I got into it mainly because of the old school NHL hockey games for Sega Genesis.  In the last couple years, EA has really re-dedicated themselves to making this series worthwhile.  Recent editions have been some of the best reviewed sports games period.  This year there is a new physics engine and face-off system.  One of my favorite features for ’11 has to be the fact that you can break your stick with a wicked slapshot, and still stay in the play and kick the puck to your teammates.  The online mode has received some presentation tune-ups as well, including a banner raising ceremony.  If you like hockey and video games, this is a sure thing.  You’ll play it more than one-timer.  Little bit of hockey humor for you there.  Yeah.

NHL Slapshot Bundle, September 7^th (Nintendo Wii):  A controller that looks like a hockey stick!?!  Oh my god!  Fuck off, Wii.

"Fucking ragequitters!"

Halo Reach, September 14^th (Xbox 360): It seems like I’m one of the only first person shooter fans who would rather play the single player or campaign mode than play multi-player online.  This is what attracted me to the original Halo years ago.  Yes, the multi-player was fun, but the story mode was simply brilliant.  That’s one thing that has always kept me interested in this series, even if I’m not its biggest fan.  Halo Reach is a grim story of humanity’s last stand on the planet Reach, and by all accounts looks like it’s going to be an amazing game.  New enemies, vehicles, guns, etc.  I consulted with Matt K, a first person shooter enthusiast and Culture Blues reader, who pointed out some new features for this incarnation of Microsoft’s favorite gaming franchise.

-Bungie is planning on more severe penalties for “Ragequitters,” basically people who frequently quit in the middle of multi-player rounds.  In the past it just dropped your ranking a tad, but now if you do it enough you might be banned.

-They are making Reach somewhat class based.  There are characters with jetpacks, characters with advanced sprinting abilities, and a fun little toy called “Armor Lock” where you are indestructible for a few seconds but can’t move.  There is also active camo.  Think Predator.

-If you have a headset, you can get called a fag by a whole new generation of twelve year olds on the internet.

Greg Hastings Paintball 2, September 14^th (Xbox 360, PS3, Nintendo Wii): Are we supposed to know who Greg Hastings is?  Again, just like the Little League World Series game they put out every year, this just baffles me.  If you are a paintball player, playing it on a video game console just can’t really seem that fun.  And if you aren’t a paintball player, why would you ever remotely care?  It is a game with no audience.

It almost kind of makes you wish for a zombie apocolypse.

Dead Rising 2, September 28^th (Xbox 360, PS3): The first Dead Rising game was ridiculously fun.  They are releasing a prologue game exclusively for Xbox Live ahead of time, a nice approach or blatant cash grab depending on your outlook, but it will certainly generate some interest.  As far as the sequel itself, expect a lot more zombies and ridiculous props.  You can use duct tape to tie these items together for more fun and creative kills.  Make the undead feel the wrath of the paddlesaw!  Drinking can help or hurt your character, depending on the extent of your indulgence.  Capcom has been pretty tight lipped about this one, but I will go ahead and guarantee that this will at least be worth a rental for zombie fans.

FIFA ’11, September 28^th (Xbox 360, PS3, PS2, PSP): The World Cup is over, which means I have no interest in soccer.  I’m sure the game is great though, and if you are a big time soccer fan I’m certainly not going to tell you anything about this title you don’t already know, cause you’re all goddamn crazy about this stuff.  So let’s just end this little sham and move on.

Your parents were right about rock and roll

Guitar Hero – Warriors of Rock, September 28^th (Xbox 360, PS3, Nintendo Wii): Boasting a 90 song track list and the franchise’s first ever story mode, this is sure to sell a bajillion copies.  The game seems to have borrowed some inspiration from Brutal Legend with a lot of over the top heavy metal fantasy images and storylines.  It's a pretty dramatic departure for the series, we’ll see if it pays off.

Well, we’ve taken a look at the future, now its time to go to go backwards yet again with this month’s blast from the past.  If we can find anyone that has played this game, I will be more than intrigued to hear their comments.

Spaceship Warlock, 1990 (Windows, Mac): Where to even begin with this one?  It features a standard sci-fi plotline.  A rag-tag group of space pirates must save the universe from a cruel empire.  But that’s about the only cliché thing about this game.  It had an interactive dialogue system where you could literally type whatever the hell you wanted to any character you came across, and the characters would understand certain buzz words.  I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but if you approached a female character and said something like “nice butt” she would usually become offended.  After you defeat the game, you get to deliver a speech to your adoring masses and it was always fun to push their buttons and make them ultimately hate you, the savior of the universe.  The fight scenes weren’t anything to write home about, but for its time this was an incredibly unique game.

What games are you going to pick up this month?  Any thoughts on Microsoft raising the price of Xbox Live?  Let us know in the comments section.

I'm more than just a rifle!

George Clooney's The American comes out this week, the latest offering from the cinematic sub-genre of "hitman-in-crisis," a term which we just made up right this second, but are expecting to see all over the internet soon. These aren't just movies featuring an assassin (sorry, Assassins), these are movies featuring contract killers with SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS. In order to prepare for Clooney's turn as a hitman-in-crisis, you might want to check out this handy guide that Jeremiah and Jeff have prepared on the genre's canonical characters.

Leon - Leon: The Professional

You can tell you’ve got a hitman-in-crisis when he’s the subject of a Youtube tribute video set to the music of Kate Bush. I’d argue that Leon, the title character of Luc Besson’s seminal action movie, is the first ever hitman-in-crisis. Leon’s a far cry from existential disaster at the movie’s start; he’s just living a quiet life, tending his plant, drinking his milk, occasionally assassinating a mob boss and his entire crew with ruthless efficiency. But then 12-year-old Natalie Portman comes flouncing along and forces Leon to confront all those messy human feelings he’s kept squashed for so long. Suddenly Leon is playing the part of mentor, father figure, and (somewhat) reluctant love interest to a precocious kid way too smart for her own good. This goes way beyond Leon simply learning to feel again – Besson probes that icky grey area between paternal relationship and, well, some weird-ass Humbert Humbert stuff, creating a hitman-in-crisis whose complexity has never been duplicated.

Martin Blank - Grosse Pointe Blank

Unlike Leon, Martin Blank is already firmly entrenched in his emotional breakdown by the time we meet him. Blank is basically a grown up version of Cusack's over-articulate, highly emotional 80s teen, but with "a certain moral flexibility" that makes him perfect for stabbing people in the jugular with pens and accidentally blowing up the occasional dog. This is probably what became of Lloyd Dobler after Say Anything. We come to understand that as a youth Blank might have been a bit of a nihilist (weren't we all nihilists back in high school?), but has suddenly realized that his life might have meaning. Blank has his shakabuku (the swift spiritual kick to the head that alters his reality forever) at his high school reunion, where's he forced to confront Grosse Pointe, the conformist paradise that first drove him to murder for hire. Like a fair percentage of hitmen-in-crisis, it just takes a little love from the normal humans for Blank to have a breakthrough. He's still going to need a lot of therapy, but at least he gets the girl, and doesn't have to blow himself up to redeem himself.

Melvin Smiley - The Big Hit

Dim bulb Melvin Smiley is unburdened by many of the larger questions that plague fellow hitmen-in-crisis. All he wants is to juggle his two high maintenance girlfriends, earn enough to keep them happy and fit in with his coworkers. He has an extraordinary aptitude for murder and he seems to enjoy it (why else would he break dance while shooting people?). The only problem is that his more nefarious associates see Mark Wahlberg’s guileless Melvin as a perfect fall guy. By the end of The Big Hit, he's outlasted everybody, but he's only grown half a spine, and remains an all too appealing target in the world of murder for hire. He's the only hitman-in-crisis whose problems stem from the fact that he thinks too little.

Angelo Ledda - The Memory of a Killer

Jan Decleir’s Angelo is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, which makes his job as a hitman considerably more difficult, and his refusal to kill a 12-year-old girl who was pimped out by her father has made him the target of his former employer (why is it that the people who hire contract killers are always so unyielding?). Angelo’s reawakened conscience sends him on a crusade to murder those who used the child prostitute's services, including some government officials. High-profile pedophile killing sprees are great but even total scumbags respect Hitman Rule #1 – kids are off limits. Maybe if it didn't take a job as heinous as killing a child for him to rediscover his soul, Angelo would be remembered as more than the guy who forgot how to kill people right.

Vincent - Collateral

At first glance, Vincent might seem like just a badass heavy; a salt-and-pepper murder tornado that briefly touches down in Jamie Foxx's sadsack cabdriver Max’s life to wreak havoc for a night. However, Vincent isn't an unemotional force-of-nature; he's a hitman-in-crisis that exudes the same loneliness we see in many of the others on this list. Look at how quickly he takes to his Stockholm Syndrome friendship with Max. He just wants to be liked! It’s weird to listen to Vincent lament the “disconnected” lives of the people of Los Angeles as he simultaneously checks names off his deathlist. As if this is a guy that’s forged a lot of meaningful connections with people. Unlike many of our other hitmen, Vincent never lets ennui overtake his professionalism. He’s a murderer to the end. He never seeks redemption and so, while we might briefly sympathize with lonely Vincent, we know he gets what he deserves dying in solitude in a subway car.

Julian Noble - The Matador

Perhaps no other hitman’s internal struggle with their moral character has manifested itself in such physical ways. Panic attacks have rendered burnt out Julian Noble incapable of the simple task of blowing people away with a sniper rifle. Pierce Brosnan’s Julian attempts to maintain his smooth operator persona but is quickly revealed as needy, clingy and really teetering on the edge of a full-blown mental breakdown as he threatens to suck the cool right out of killing people for money. In an unprecedented move, it’s a friendship with a fellow heterosexual male that gives Julian the confidence to kill one last time, but without anywhere to go or anything to do, it seems unlikely he’ll be able to leave that life behind forever, even with his biology fighting against it.

Frank Falenczyk - You Kill Me

Typically a hitman-in-crisis is forced to deal with the fact that at the end of the day, rationalizations aside, he’s just a murderer. He snuffs out lives. He’s seeing the bullet-ridden ghosts of all those people he’s sent to premature graves. As a hard drinking hitman stationed in Buffalo, New York, I should love Ben Kingsley’s Frank Falenczyk. He's hit rock bottom and drunken contract killing hijinks should have ensued. Unfortunately, throughout the course of You Kill Me, Frank relocates to San Francisco, starts attending AA meetings, falls in love and goes right on killing people without a single thought as to whether that's wrong. No other hitman-in-crisis has such little compunction about killing. Instead, Frank’s concern is that his drinking problem is getting in the way of his murders. It’s an interesting twist, that the crisis is independent of the work as a hitman, but it produces a rather undesirable effect; You Kill Me makes the odd argument that it’s better to be a killer than a drunk.

Ray and Ken - In Bruges

While most of our hitmen-in-crisis are busy working through feelings of loneliness and isolation, their numerous murders become a mere afterthought. Such is not the case for Ray who is suffering suicidal guilt after accidently killing a child. But at least he’s not alone! His partner-in-crime Ken is around to keep him company and also, maybe, execute him. With In Bruges we get an unprecedented double crisis: Ray trying to decide if he deserves to live, and Ken trying to decide if Ray to deserves to die. All this is set against Bruges, a more than metaphorical purgatory, with denizens cut straight from Hieronymus Bosch. In the end, Ken makes a typical hitman-in-crisis sacrifice, but Ray’s fate is not so cut and dry. He decides that he wants to live, after being gut shot, but is that and his impending imprisonment penance enough for this hitman-in-crisis? His beautiful love interest (of course) would probably say so and, typically, all it takes is a woman to redeem our wounded hitman.

Did we miss your favorite hitman-in-crisis? Tell us in the comments!

This week, we’ll be discussing Year One, the 2009 comedy directed by Harol Ramis, produced by Judd Apatow, and starring Jack Black and Michael Cera. The below discussion contains spoilers, but who cares.

Next Week:  The Horseman. We head to the Australian Outback for this 2009 revenge flick, where an angry father seeks vengeance for his dead daughter.

WHEEEEE! Our movie is going to suck!

Jeremiah:  Year One starts with some promise.

In the early hunting/gathering scenes we get some humorous modern takes on prehistoric society, a solid Michael Cera, a not totally annoying Jack Black, and a nice quick appearance from Bill Hader. I was thinking that maybe everyone who had panned Year One simply wasn’t willing to enjoy its silliness.

Moments later, a Paul Rudd and David Cross scene needed blunt trauma just to elicit a chuckle from me, and I knew we were in trouble. This scene should have been a slam dunk; unfortunately, it was awkward and juvenile. After that, Jack Black settles into his current comfort zone (which is incredibly annoying), actor after actor disappoints, and we are faced with scene after scene of Cera and Black facing uninteresting and unthreatening mortal danger.

I like the way that primitive beliefs and customs are met with a typically modern WTF from Cera and Black, but these jokes suffer from diminishing returns and quickly become unfunny. At that point, Cera is really the only thing worth watching, consistently creating laughs and making me not totally regret the time spent watching Year One.

This was never meant to be a movie, though, so much as a set up for barely connected sketches (many of which draw unflattering comparisons to previous comedies, Monty Python's Life of Brian being the most obvious). That's pretty much what I expected, but the big letdown is how ineffective the cast ends up being. Cera is beyond reproach here as the one consistent bright spot. Black appears beyond salvation, having traded in manic and funny for manic, unfunny, moronic and hosting Nickelodeon awards shows. Christopher Mintz-Plasse, a talented actor who has quickly proven he's much more than just McLovin, is wasted. Cross phones it in. Oliver Platt and Hank Azaria have a few bright spots, but fail to elevate the material. Most of all, I think I’m disappointed in Harold Ramis, but now that I look at his credits, he’s only directed two good movies (Groundhog Day, The Ice Harvest) in the last 20 years. That’s a lousy record.

David Cross is dying inside.

Jeff:  The scene that really sums up Year One for me is when Jack Black and Michael Cera have been captured by the Romans and are locked in the dungeon. Michael Cera is hanging upside down. He starts to pee. There’s a protracted sequence of Cera peeing on himself and trying not to get it in his mouth or up his nose. All I could think about while this was going on was:  why? Why didn’t somebody stop this? Couldn’t one of his co-writers have sidled up to Harold Ramis and said “you know, Egon, why don’t we take this in another direction?” A comedy intervention should’ve been staged.

Year One is filled with gags similar to Cera peeing in his own mouth, and while they’re not always as crude, they’re usually just as unfunny. It is one derivative bit after the next. It’s a marvel to me just how bad Year One manages to be with such a stellar cast. It’s actually impressive that the film manages to fail so completely. There’s a ton of comedic talent here – this blows away the cast of something like Fired Up (superior) - these are comedy A-listers, some of which have experience behind the camera. Guys that should know better. How did they get roped into this one? I cannot stress enough how baffled I am by so many actors I like choosing a project that’s such an atrocity. Why did they do it? How much clout could Ramis really have? Do all the funny people in Hollywood owe him a solid? Did he defuse a bomb at the Hollywood comedy convention and save everyone’s lives? I don’t get it!

I’ll echo Jeremiah in that the one redeeming quality in this shit stew is Michael Cera. He’s playing his usual smart aleck milquetoast, but it works, and he’s the only consistent source of laughs. Everyone else is either wasted or, in the case of Jack Black, hamming it up to an impossibly annoying degree.

Year One was awful, but I can’t help but be intrigued by it. I want to know how these guys misfired so badly. I’d actually like to listen to the commentary track on the DVD, to see whether Ramis and Black apologize for this primitive fart or try to defend it. If you own a copy of Year One, please send it my way. I’ll do you a favor and never return it.  

Our intern is crafting Ben a golden Michael Cera.

Ben:  At the conclusion of our liveblog of the Emmy awards I was left with a choice. I could either watch the Netflix DVD that came for me in the mail, something I actually wanted to do, or I could watch Year One. When I told Jeff of my plans to do the latter he said “Oh god have fun with that” and it almost just made me skip this atrocity but since I have not been able to participate in the last couple IMCs I decided to bite the bullet. The intern is currently carving a statue of me for the CB headquarters lobby to commemorate my sacrifice.

I had a very similar reaction to Jeremiah when this film started: “huh, maybe this will be kind of alright.” I really enjoyed Michael Cera awkwardly hitting that girl with the stick. Jack Black’s bit about Maya’s family being ripped apart by wild dogs elicited a light chuckle from me. Things were on the right track. The problem, as Jeff and Jeremiah articulated, is sooner or later everything just became cheap and juvenile. It would be hard to throw a rock at this script and not hit a fart joke. As far as how this movie got made, it was probably like a snowball effect. Once more and more people signed on others probably just shrugged, said “alright” and cashed an obnoxious paycheck.

But what I’d like to talk about, since most of my more obvious points were taken by my colleagues, is Jack Black. I might be alone in this line of thought, but I think this is a talented comedian who literally seems unwilling to attach his name to anything that is worth a shit. Part of acting is choosing good scripts, and he either needs to fire his agent, or take a more pro-active role in choosing these projects. Jack’s natural instinct is to take things a bit too far, which occasionally serves him well but usually not. If any of these directors could just rope that in a little (and if he was willing to take their advice), then maybe he could be a more complete actor. Eventually most comedians, no matter how silly they have been in the past, try an oddball dark comedy. I just hope eventually he gets his own Punch Drunk Love. And then I hope he doesn’t screw it up with his annoying over the top bullshit.

Next Week:  The Horseman

LET'S HONOR SOME TELEVISION

Welcome to Culture Blues' live coverage of the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. Are you excited? WE'RE NOT! But join us anyway as we make increasingly vulgar jokes, complain about shows that we've never even watched, and fall asleep on the futon somewhere in the 3rd hour.

NEWS

Take that suicide rumors!!!

Wait... He has a watch that costs 2 million dollars?: Timbaland’s family got all kinds of worried this week after the rapper/super-producer went out for a drive, cutting off all contact, to clear his head after the trauma of having a two million dollar watch stolen from him (allegedly). By "all kinds of worried," I mean they filed a missing persons report with the LAPD, who subsequently issued a suicide attempt APB just before 5pm on Tuesday. Luckily for all parties involved, police helicopters managed to locate the producer’s Escalade. After patrolmen pulled Timbaland over, they determined that he was no danger to himself. This Wednesday morning, Timbaland tried his best to set the record straight by going on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show to tell his side of the story: "People steal from me all the time," Tim told Seacrest. "Something did happen. That wasn't a watch. It was something else." He also went on to reveal that he fears someone close to him was the culprit, but continued to reassure everyone that he was of sound mind, and that this incident wasn’t no thing, saying: "Now, why would I commit suicide? I could buy what was stolen,” and (my favorite line) "I just got back from the studio, I don't know if a person who's going to commit suicide would be in the studio."

This is what I see when I close my eyes.

Must make it stop!: Because I didn’t write about Kanye last week, the chip in my brain has been sending continuous searing pain to my frontal lobe (thanks, W3bsit3). So, in order to regain my higher mental functions, I will give Mr. West some coverage in this edition of Clef Notes. This week, we are informed by twitter, that Kanye has been in Prague (naturally), working on a film companion to his new album. He is also remixing a Justin Bieber song (Runaway Love) which features a guest verse by Raekwon (damn you twitter for making this happen), and today is set to kick off his "G.O.O.D Friday" project, where the meme intends on dropping one free MP3 download each week from here till year’s end. "I know y'all need the music, so I'm dropping one new song every weekend until Xmas," West tweeted over the weekend. "It may be my song, it may be a new Jay song, etc." This is a very magnanimous gesture from a man who really seems to not only be in touch with the times but also with technology... I hope that all of this genuflecting will earn me a few weeks of reprieve.

Word of advice to all MC's. Stay away from this "female."

Who the fuck is Kat Stacks?: Seeing as how I am a big-time respected journalist, I have little need for gossip columns. I am far more interested in facts, and the essence of sound, than I am into who is cheating on who, or who just got out of rehab. That being said, I can’t believe how entertaining/fascinating Kat Stacks is. She is the sort of entity that could only exist in a culture where anyone can become "famous"  by simply having the right combination of web 2.0 absurdity. Ms. Stacks actually got on my radar this week by dropping another one of her AMAZING YouTube videos. The newest installment of her videoblog (I guess we can call it that) not only “exposes” Soulja Boy as a cocaine addict, but also as a poor lover. Apparently, I am quite late to the whole Kat Stacks phenomenon; after doing some research, I learned that Soulja is just the latest artist to be put on blast by this awful, black-hearted she-creature. Her list of one time lovers turned haters includes, but is not limited to, Fabolous, the entire Young Money crew, Bow Wow, and numerous other hip-hop stars (and some NBA players as well)! A one time Miami “entertainment escort,” Ms. Stacks is rumored to have a tell-all book deal in the works, as well as other rumored projects, including an upcoming Kanye West beef... she just has to break into his house first.

State of the industry: It looks like I may have to rename this section "The Eminem Report." For the seventh week (second in a row), Recovery is the #1 album on the Billboard Top 200 countdown. Mr. Mathers' seventh studio album (Infinite counts, people) also managed to notch the most weeks at #1 for a male artist since Usher's Confessions, the most hip-hop album sales since OutKast’s Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, and is closing in on Taylor Swift's recent mark of 11 non-consecutive weeks at #1. Of course, Recovery’s reign will not last forever; in fact, all signs within the industry point to Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream (released this Tuesday) dethroning Eminem’s record. Why? Because people are fucking morons... not you though, you read Culture Blues.

Reviews

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

Did you know Katy Perry’s first ever studio album was a Christian Pop record? That’s right, way before she ever kissed a girl (and liked it), Katy Hudson put out a self-titled record with song names like Faith Won’t Fail. What happened to miss Hudson to make her change artistic visions so drastically? I will give you a hint: it rhymes with honey and starts with the letter M. God just ain’t selling these days. So after numerous false starts, and a Capitol Records based reinvention (not to mention a new stage name), we lucky humans ended up with an “artist” who is equal parts infuriating and imbecilic. It should come as no surprise that Katy Perry’s new record, Teenage Dream, is toxically awful, especially when the first single on the record is nothing but a flagrant Ke$ha clone. Teenage Dream is the kind of record parents should keep their kids away from (if you don’t believe me, give this a listen); it is full of immature entendres, sickeningly over polished production, and sheer idiocy. I sometimes feel like I have to say something positive about all the records I review, so here goes... she sure does look great on the cover.

Klaxons - Surfing The Void (also my favorite album cover so far this year)

The story of the Klaxons’ follow-up to their 2007 Mercury Award winning debut (Myths of the Near Future) is a common, yet frustrating, one. The original version of this record was completed in early 2009, but was rejected by Polydor for being “too experimental.” Since then, Jamie Reynolds and company have had to engage in the tedious dance with producers that is the unfortunate, yet sometimes necessary, evil required to appease a band's suit-wearing masters. Now that the finished product is out, and the public has had a chance to give it a spin, the final verdict on Surfing The Void is - I wish I could have heard the original. Surfing The Void starts off on a very good note; the opening track (Echoes) is a pretty solid tune with a great bassline and a superb chorus. It is a shame that the rest of the record was not crafted from this mold. The record sounds kind of like it hates itself; while there are elements of songs like Cypherspeed and Surfing the Void that are admirable and engaging, they tend to be destroyed by verses that do nothing but derail momentum, and melodies that are awkward and the opposite of catchy. Thanks a lot Polydor, you really fucked this one up.

Mogwai - Special Moves

Even though Clef Notes is only a few weeks old, I’ve already mentioned Mogwai in two different editions. The seminal Scottish post-rock quintet is one of my favorite groups, and records like Young Team and Mr. Beast are some of my favorite speaker blasters. Such adoration for Mogwai is what led me to review their recent live record, even though I have never written up such an album. Setting expectations for a live record can be a tricky proposition; in order to give one a fair shake, you have to abandon your personal set list fantasies and try to appreciate the presentation and arrangements of the material that was played, which is why in the end I dug this record. Just about everything that makes Mogwai a special band is represented on Special Moves, whether it is their magnificent use of light and shade (Friend of the Night), their glorious cacophony (Hunted By A Freak), or their sheer ability to murder your ears (Glasgow Mega-Snake). This record and the companion DVD are an awesome glimpse of Mogwai’s magic.

16th Notes

Coldplay is waiting for Radiohead's new record to drop so they can get properly inspired.

It seems that Wyclef will NOT be able to run for the Presidency of Haiti. This is a win for Sean Penn, and a loss for Haiti... U2 recently announced that Jay-Z will be opening for the band during the Australian and New Zealand legs of their 360 world tour. This is step one in U2’s new street-cred campaign. Step two, fucking Kat Stacks... In recent interviews with just about all news outlets, Rivers Cuomo brought up the possibility that Weezer could do a tour of one night, full album shows, featuring The Blue Album and Pinkerton. I can’t believe I will pay to see Weezer again... Brandon Flowers is currently wrapping up his tour in support of his new solo record. Culture Blues editor Jeff Hart is still at the Highline Ballroom basking in the echo of the glow and refusing to wipe the tears off of his face. ... Kings of Leon reportedly turned down guest appearances on both Glee and Ugly Betty. I like these lads more and more every day... Coldplay has apparently signed a massive, and record breaking, deal with Universal Records this week. Figures have yet to be disclosed but, whatever the sum is, I hope they all burn in hell... Scissor Sisters are out there touring the U.S with their flamboyant stage show. That dear readers, was the reason for all the glitter on the freeway... Contrary to reports here in Clef Notes, Steven Tyler will in fact be an American Idol judge next year. I fucking hate big-lipped Bostonian liars... Lauryn Hill crawled out from underneath her money laden rock recently to perform at Rock The Bells and hate white people some more... Jimmy Page will soon be treating us all to a photo-heavy autobiography. Rumors abound that if you read it backwards, you will summon the ghosts of all of Zeppelin's dead groupies... Lastly, Santana is set to drop a cover record that will no doubt offend anyone with taste. This is all a ploy for him to rekindle his love affair with that asshole who used to sing for Matchbox 20... Wait, is Matchbox 20 even still around? Fuck it, I couldn’t possibly care less...

Top Ten List

In honor of Kat Stacks being this generation’s Superhead I present to you the top ten songs about maneaters and gold diggers.

10) Life In The Fast Lane - The Eagles
9) Money Honey - Lady Gaga
8) Maneater - Nelly Furtado
7) Money - The Flying Lizards
6) Cee- Lo - Fuck You
5) No Scrubs - TLC
4) Bills, Bills Bills - Destiny’s Child
3) Maneater - Hall and Oates
2) Gold Digger - Kanye West
1) Material Girl - Madonna

Track Of The Week

Fuck You - Cee- Lo: This week’s track is a change of pace from the usual chill-wave, indie nonsense that I generally reserve for this spot. Instead, I bring you Cee-Lo’s Fuck You, a song that has lit the internet ablaze and a fine example of what can happen when you create a tribute to a cherished genre instead of a re-hashed derivative bore.

Homework: Who would you like Kanye to collaborate with next? Will you go see Weezer perform The Blue Album or Pinkerton? Why does Katy Perry exist?

Idris Elba is about to turn around and look at that explosion. Faux pas!

Jeff is still writing notes on the Culture Blues Emmy Liveblog War Room Dry Erase Board (a sample: Glee = stupid), when Jeremiah returns from his screening of Takers. Jeremiah is wearing a three piece suit and is considerably sweatier than normal.

Jeff:  So I’m like why even bother doing any real content this week, right Intern? Nobody feels like writing! We’ll just keep posting our IM conversations. And these rubes that read our stupid site will be all like oh super funny such a fresh format blah blah blah.

Jeff makes an IM chime noise.

Jeff:  Oh hi, Jeremiah! What’s with the suit?

Jeremiah:  As a majority owner of Takers, I figured I should dress up for the screening. I’m a businessman.

Jeff:  That’s right! How was the movie? Are you going to lose everything?

Jeremiah:  Let me tell ya, buddy, the next few days are going to be a real roller coaster.

Jeff:  Uh oh!

Jeremiah:  Takers is something of a slapdash effort but it’s got enough style that I definitely think there is an audience for it, and that audience just might be the kind of people who’d want to go see a movie starring T.I., Chris Brown, Stringer Bell and the white guy from the Fast & the Furious movies.

I prefer to be known as the guy who had sex with Jessica Alba in Into the Blue, pre-preggers.

Jeff:  I prefer to think of him as the white guy from She’s All That.

Jeremiah:  Of course you would.

Jeff:  So Takers is pretty much like Fast & the Furious but with less cars and more rappers, right?

Jeremiah:  No, it’s much less fun than that, although that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I was expecting breezy, frivolous fun along the lines of Ocean’s Eleven, but Heat would actually be a more apt comparison in terms of tone and subject matter. Maybe the February release date that slid to August for vague reasons can help explain that.

Jeff:  I don’t think Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna is really that vague of a reason.

Jeremiah:  Oh, right. I forgot about that. Are we still mad about that? That was back in February '09.

Jeff:  No way. The statute of limitations on pounding a girl’s face in like some kind of inhuman monster is only six months, dude. It’s ok, Chris Brown! We forgot! You can be in movies again now!

Jeremiah:  Chris Brown’s definitely not the only reason the release was delayed, though. I think there may have been some heavy focus group-mandated editing. This seems like a movie that was patched together. The script being credited to two separate pairs of writers is obviously a bad sign. The first half or so is somewhat entertaining but a little dry as they spend considerable time setting up characters and the job. Then the heist and the lengthy fallout are exciting and tense even though things get ridiculous and damn near silly at times. I think the foundation they laid early on pays dividends in the end though. Oh and then there’s a melodramatic and sort of superfluous subplot which is only good for one dramatic scene from Idris Elba. It's kind of a mess.

Jeff:  Idris Elba is awesome! Except when he does that stupid British accent of his, like in that Guy Ritchie Kabala movie.

Jeremiah:   He’s actually British, idiot.

Jeff:  Get out!

Jeremiah:  Anyway, there are also the leaps of logic that I might have actually noticed during the movie if I wasn’t mostly entertained. That’s pretty standard for action movies.

Jeff:  So the action is good?

Jeremiah:  It's ok. The action scenes could have been iconic in more capable hands. I think the filmmakers realized their limitations though and instead just cribbed from other movies. In the end, it’s mostly done well enough that what could have been shaky camera disasters turn into appropriately frenetic adrenaline pumpers that actually hit some good notes and are memorable in their own right.

Jeff:  Hold on! Isn’t this rated PG-13? How much adrenaline can it pump without arterial blood geysers?

Jeremiah:  Takers pushes the Dark Knight experiment one step further by proving that you can shoot however many people you want, whoever you want and wherever you want and still get a PG-13 as long as you don’t show any blood. But for god’s sake, don’t show a woman’s nipple or *gasp* a penis.

Jeff:  I bet the focus groups made them take all the penis out.

Jeremiah:  Probably. But they left half of Paul Walker's butt in.

"That's a death sentence, youngblood."

Jeff:  Any standout performance?

Jeremiah:  Maybe not standout, but T.I. seems to be having the time of his life. He has a stiff, almost robotic way of moving and talking that mixes with his Southern drawl to create something off putting, which is very effective for the role. I don’t know if he’s capable of great acting, but he certainly held my attention here.

Jeff:  Good for T.I.! Closing thoughts?

Jeremiah:  I really like the movie that Takers could have been. Only flashes of that movie made it to theaters though, and we’re left with a very inconsistent movie that barely keeps its head above water. It seems many pictures couldn’t even manage that this summer, so it’s got that going for it.

Jeff:  Are you telling me we’re not going to get rich off Takers?

Jeremiah:  Probably not.