In our penultimate region we head into the wilderness. Led by a guerrilla warrior of the highest order, this region features some of the most skilled swordsman seen yet. What it may lack in sexy first round upset picks, Hope Outskirts is sure to make up for with some gruesome second round battles.

1. John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo: First Blood) vs 16. Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson, The Shining)

Perhaps the best way to describe both of these competitors is "haunted." Rambo is haunted by the friends he watched get mercilessly cut down by Charlie. Torrance is haunted by some honest to god poltergeists. The big difference? Whereas the fiercest opponent Torrance and his ax have faced is an aged groundskeeper (or perhaps an existential feeling of paternal duty), Rambo has successfully navigated the minefield of his own mind while slaughtering the equivalent of a small nation. Here’s Johnny, indeed.

8. Tommy Lee (Phillip Rhee, Best of the Best) vs 9. Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell, Tango & Cash)

Tommy Lee is a portrait of restraint. A deliberate, methodical taekwondo prodigy. Passionate but never ruled by emotions, he may be the most clutch of all our athlete competitors. Meanwhile, Gabe Cash is so much the stereotypical loose cannon cop that fate saw it fit to force him to partner up with the straight laced Ray Tango as some sort of joke. Cash has never defeated an opponent with the unarmed combat proficiency of Lee. Then again, Lee has never driven a tank-like SUV straight into a super criminal's compound and massacred a small army either.

5. Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn, The Terminator) vs 12. Nomad (Patrick Swayze, Steel Dawn)

In the battle of post-apocalyptic heroes, who will come out on top? The mysterious Nomad comes from an atomic bomb blasted future where you can get by on skill with a sword, so long as the sand people don’t grab you during meditation. Reese, on the other hand, comes from a future where human skulls are crushed under the cybernetic feet of our robot oppressors, a world where fuck swords, guns aren’t even enough. No one can doubt Nomad’s skills, but can he hold a candle to a guy that’s stared down a T-800 and (almost) lived to tell about it? We have dogs trained to smell upsets back at the base, and they ain’t barking.

4. J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris, Lone Wolf McQuade) vs 13. Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover, Lethal Weapon)

Roger Murtaugh is accustomed to fighting alongside Martin Riggs, an expert marksman, lethal martial artist and all around badass who, let's be honest, does all the dirty work. But now Murtaugh must stand alone against J.J. "Lone Wolf" McQuade, a man much like his own partner. McQuade loves automatic weapons, pointless exhibitions of his karate skills and his pet wolf. He's a humorless man who lives to uphold the law... by himself. Murtaugh may be the consummate partner and second banana, but he did serve his country in combat, has survived an entire career on the police force, and he has the pent up frustration and spiraling desperation that only an ever-elusive retirement and years and years of bad home cooking can give a man. It's the lone hunter versus the perpetual bridesmaid in a matchup that seems likely to go only one way.

6. Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport) vs 11. Jonathan Cabot (Kurt Thomas, Gymkata)

Another matchup that seems preordained by some higher power. Dux and Cabot are both athletes who travel to a foreign land to compete in a mysterious and exclusive contest. Dux's considerably higher seed can be explained by the fact that the Kumite is a bunch of badass brawlers beating the crap out of each other while The Game is a fanciful forest scavenger hunt with some guys on horses following you and shooting arrows at you. Both were able to triumph in their respective contests, but how will they fare here?

3. Paul Kersey (Charles Bronson, Death Wish) vs 14. Mick O'Brien (Sean Penn, Bad Boys)

Paul Kersey kills punks like O'Brien. That's what this icy killer with the personality of a dead moth does. It's his "thing." But he may have never run up against a kid like O'Brien before. The Rainford Juvenile Correctional Facility pit fighting champion will not hesitate to beat you with a pipe or a pillowcase full of unopened Coke cans. Perhaps most dangerous to Kersey though, is that bit of humanity that lingers inside of O'Brien. Will the bleeding heart turned Reagan era vigilante revert to his old ways when he realizes that Mick isn't a complete monster? Will O'Brien stick Kersey with the shiv that was meant for Paco? Soon we’ll find out.

7. Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell, Army of Darkness) vs 10. Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff, American Ninja)

Joe Armstrong might be an amnesiac, but one thing he remembers is how to kick some serious ass. Blending two unique skill sets – Army Ranger and Ninja – Armstrong has the disregard for authority and badass bonafides to make him a potential Cinderella story. His opponent? Just an everyday dude with a chainsaw arm. Ash Williams works in house wares, wields a mean boomstick, and knows how to deliver a badass quip better than anyone in this tournament (even you, McClane). But, when fighting hordes of the undead in the dark ages, Ash always favored a haphazard approach, confronting his enemies like a lantern jawed battering ram. How will his slapdash style stand up against someone with the precise skills of the American Ninja?

2. Conan the Cimmerian (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Conan the Barbarian) vs 15. Madmartigan (Val Kilmer, Willow)

The rakish protector of Nelwyns everywhere, Madmartigan is what passes for a master swordsman in his realm. Unfortunately for him, even the evil Queen Bavmorda couldn’t have imagined a more fearsome opponent than Conan the mother fucking Barbarian. Conan’s tolerance for punishment, skill with edged weaponry, and unquenchable thirst for blood make him one of this tournament’s favorites. In fact, insiders are reporting that the only thing that kept Conan from a #1 seed was his complete ignorance of firearms. While it remains to be seen how many bullets The Destroyer can absorb, Conan won’t have to worry about that until later rounds. Not that Conan even knows how to worry. Right about now, we’re betting Madmartigan wishes that fake hobbit had never gone and opened his cage.

Are all these melee weapon devotees at a decided disadvantage against their gun toting counterparts? How will Murtaugh and Cash do without the help of their partners? Who do you want to see revealed in the final region? Just what is Chuck Bronson's deal? Make your voice heard below.

For an additional fee, you can die in a car crash. Offer only valid in Paris.

Tania Cowher runs a service called, “Celeb for a day”.  If the title and the first sentence of this bit have not made you groan, you might already be a vapid hooker!  For a price, and the official website doesn’t specify what exactly that is, paparazzi can follow you around and badger you endlessly for the evening.  As one customer in this video explains, “We’re all kind of celebrities in our own way, in our own lives.”  No actually you’re not; you’re just Marissa from accounting.  Stop it.  Celebrities often comment that paparazzi are the lowest form of life, well better think again: because those that actually want to seek out their attention might be worse.

The hilarity continues on the website’s FAQ where it is said that if you are late, there is a fifty dollar fee.  Could you imagine how awkward of a transaction that could be if a guy was using this service to get laid?  Anyway, if you live in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City, or Austin and feel like lighting money on fire give them a call.  Also applicable if you are a washed up celebrity desperately trying to turn back the clock to when people actually gave a shit.  I bet Christian Slater loves the A-list package!

Our second region is named after the high rise building in which #1 seed John McClane waged war on a group of terrorists/thieves. While the other high seeds range from soldiers with an expertise in jungle warfare to wasteland drifters to anti-robot freedom fighters, the field is rounded out by many urban combatants whose admiration for McClane is likely only exceeded by their desire to defeat him.

1. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard) vs  16. Jason Dean (Christian Slater, Heathers)

John McClane is relatively unremarkable, except that no matter who you are, no matter your numbers or firepower, no matter what the situation, in the end, McClane will be slouching over your corpse lighting a cigarette, and you’ll be dead. Obviously. McClane’s on-the-fly resourcefulness and ability to absorb mythical amounts of punishment are his most celebrated skills, but his ability to annoy the shit out of adversaries might be equally useful. While McClane is used to battling international criminals, he’s likely never faced someone quite like Jason Dean (J.D. for short). The only competitor in the field who is guaranteed to have a bunch of explosives strapped to his chest, J.D.’s wildcard status and self-destructive tendencies nicely mirror McClane’s own. Still, the suicide-bombing outcast is impossibly outmatched. Keeping it close and using a well timed, mutually destructive detonation to give the winner of the 8-9 matchup a second round bye might be the most he can hope for.

8. Chong Li (Bolo Yeung, Bloodsport) vs 9. Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)

Here are two fierce competitors obsessed with dominating their chosen sports. Chong Li is a master martial artist with a serious mean streak, a huge ego, and an addiction to basking in the chants of the audience. Drago, on the other hand, is a physical freak with the punching power of two lesser professional boxers. He doesn’t compete for abstract concepts like honor or glory or patriotism. He competes only to be the best. The chants of the crowd don't even register. We’d be remiss if we didn’t mention he was a captain in the Red Army and received the Hero of the Soviet Union award. As natural competitors, these two may be even more determined than some of our entrants to reign supreme, and they possess a callous attitude towards the welfare of their opponents that will likely make them feel more at home in this “anything goes” environment than their fellow athletic competitors. Whoever wins this matchup is definitely one to watch as the tournament continues.

5. Jack Burton (Kurt Russell, Big Trouble in Little China) vs  12. Jack Walsh (Robert De Niro, Midnight Run)

This match pits two reluctant do-gooders against each other. Jack Burton’s trucker background and highly questionable decision-making/general intelligence and common sense have many questioning his high seed. But we’re looking past the fact that he spends the majority of a climactic fight knocked out from rubble caused by his own bullets and trapped under the body of a massive guard he killed, and concentrating on Burton’s ability to lead a group of civilians into battle with mystical Asians and, of course, his reflexes. Jack Walsh, on the other hand is a former cop and current bounty hunter whose strict moral code and general disposition make him incredibly unpopular. Walsh generally proves to be tougher, faster and smarter than his opponents. His resume isn’t nearly as distinguished as some of the competitors, but he has been known to take down helicopters with a pistol and lead police on wild, desert car chases. Their skill sets may be somewhat light, but no one can question the grit, determination or subdued humor of these two hopefuls.

4. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator) vs  13. Jed Eckert (Patrick Swayze, Red Dawn)

Sarah Connor has only one thing on her mind and that is the survival of the human race. When she’s not busy blowing up corporations and disabling cybernetic killing machines, she’s dedicated to being the best damn single mom that she can (while living off the grid, on the run). That makes her first round draw against Jed Eckert a tough one. When confronted by a teenage freedom fighter, will Connor be able to pull the trigger? Or will she be reminded of her own son (the messiah) and hesitate enough for Eckert to unknowingly alter the course of humanity’s future? Will Connor be able to shotgun her way past her maternal instincts? Or, come fight time, will our healthy Midwest Tea Party readership all be shouting for the Wolverines?

6. Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey, Lethal Weapon) vs  11. Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith, Robocop)

In a perfect world, this is the sort of pairing that could shake a city like Detroit or Los Angeles down to its very core. One a feared crime boss, the other the best mercenary money can buy. If they’d met under better circumstances, we might see Boddicker merrily burning Joshua’s arm as a demonstration of loyalty. Instead, in a few days, they will try to kill each other. A respected overlord of a feared crime syndicate, Boddicker must feel slighted receiving the lesser seed here to a man who would normally serve as his muscle. However, Boddicker has always gotten by on the strength of his gang and his political connections. How will he fare one-on-one against Mr. Joshua, the former member of Shadow Company (they churn out Rambos, seriously) turned professional killer?

3. Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson, Mad Max) vs  14. Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews, Jason Lives: Friday the 13^th Part VI)

“Mad” Max Rockatansky is a wasteland wanderer most comfortable engaged in vehicular combat, but he’s also adept with firearms, crossbows, and booby traps. There are also rumors that he plans to utilize a certain friend's razor sharp boomerang. Having faced the death of his family, the deterioration of society, and marauding S&M gangs, Max (and the public) might be unimpressed by Jarvis’ low level psychosis and history of repeatedly barely escaping the clutches of mass murderer/superhuman/Culture Blues contributor Jason Voorhees. The fact remains that Jarvis has squared off against the hockey mask-sporting god more times than anyone else and is still around to talk about it. Considering Jason’s predilection for killing absolutely everything, this accomplishment unquestionably qualifies Jarvis for this tournament.

7. Marion Cobretti (Sylvester Stallone, Cobra) vs  10. Jack Cates (Nick Nolte, 48 Hrs.)

Here we have the Battle of the Bay Area as Los Angeles supercop Marion Cobretti takes on grizzled San Franciscan everycop Jack Cates. Cobretti is an elite member of the Los Angeles Zombie Squad, has experience killing bad guys in large groups, and is steely enough to sex up Brigitte Nielsen. Cates, on the other hand, is more of your hard-drinking, short-tempered blue collar cop, more comfortable in bar room brawls than shoot outs, and he’s certainly never dispatched any cells of supremacists. Besides an opponent in Cobretti of singular purpose and utilitarian violence, Cates has to contend with girlfriend problems, lung cancer, and the wise-cracking black convict he’s currently handcuffed to. Can the cagey veteran focus enough to upset the prototypical supercop?

2. Dutch Schaffer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator) vs 15. Daniel Larusso (Ralph Macchio, The Karate Kid)

Sure, Schaffer was able to outsmart a Predator – pretty much the most feared extraterrestrial killing machine that the universe has to offer. But, has he ever encountered crane style? Well? Has he?!

Will #1 seed and tournament favorite John McClane emerge victorious from Nakatomi yet again? Who will win the two battles of the strikingly similar villains? What's the better McTiernan movie, Predator or Die Hard? Or Last Action Hero? Let us know in the comments section.

This week we'll be discussing Antichrist, a psychological thriller from acclaimed director Lars Von Triet pitting Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg against desire, grief and nature.. If you haven't seen it yet, you'll probably want to turn back now. The below discussion contains heavy spoilers!

Next week: Smiley Face - Anna Faris stars in this stoner comedy from veteran indie filmmaker and New Queer Cinema vanguard Gregg Araki, with appearances by The Office's John Krasinski and Glee's Jane Lynch. Many see Smiley Face as a future cult classic.

SPOILERS (and self mutilation) BELOW!

Jeremiah: It’s probably impossible to talk about Antichrist without taking its notoriety and my own expectations into consideration. I didn’t know much about it beyond grieving parents hide out in the woods. I expected some disturbing sexuality and a lot of pretension. The Prologue confirmed my worst fears about pretension, and exceeded my expectations in terms of graphic sexuality. It looked great, although the image itself seemed to take precedent over the message. The symbolism couldn’t be much more overt and was already growing tiresome (how many objects did we need to see fall before that baby was going to jump out the window?). My fears about disturbing sexuality would need to wait a while to be confirmed, but we all know it’s coming.

The movie’s excellent, evocative visuals sustain. The woods are lush and foggy; undeniably beautiful yet creepy. Unfortunately, the muddled narrative continues as well. The couple’s dynamic interested me at first. Willem Dafoe as the therapist who only becomes interested in his wife as a case study was an interesting jumping off point. His decision to treat her despite his disagreement with such a practice “in principle” is a bad decision that immediately made me see him as an egotistical moron, but one I might be interested in watching suffer for his mistakes. Once I found out that his idea of “treating” his wife consisted of very standard, detached sessions of analysis, I got bored.

This boredom stayed with me until shit got real crazy at the end, at which point I was mostly grossed out. Charlotte Gainsbourg’s thesis being on gynocide and her conclusion that women are inherently evil certainly gives the movie some thematic weight (I bet Dafoe feels like a real jerk for arguing with her about that one). The simple presence of this thematic weight isn’t really enough to make me interested though.

The climax had me on the edge of my seat and wincing. As a psychological horror film, Antichrist might have been pretty entertaining. Throughout the runtime, however, the scares and foreboding atmosphere always take a back seat to the shocks and stilted, dreary conversations. I’ll say this for Lars Von Trier, he’s created the most artful torture porn I’ve ever seen. That’s not a compliment.

The prologue offers deep penetration... of the vagina.

Jeff: First of all, I’d like to apologize to anyone that watched Antichrist because of this column. Seriously, Culture Blues would like to offer one complimentary session of therapy (with Ben Van Iten) to any viewer who feels their life has been irrevocably damaged by watching a rubber vagina chopped up by a pair of shears. That shit was pretty scary, right?

It’s been a couple of days since my first viewing of Lars von Trier’s provocation and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Whether or not it’s a good film is debatable, just like any other film, except in those cases if a film isn’t good it is bad, whereas von Trier’s 90 minute assault on the senses could be considered straight up evil. And if it isn’t good, or evil, then maybe it’s just boring. Beyond the visuals which, as Jeremiah mentioned, are consistently gorgeous, Antichrist tends to be plodding in spots where it isn’t being laughably disturbing. I say laughable because during the film’s protracted climax, my reaction was to squirm with hysterical laughter while Dafoe’s broken wiener ejaculated blood. Apparently, there were a lot of people like me at Cannes.

The performances of both Dafoe and especially Gainsbourg both need to be pointed out. They give themselves over fully to an experimental piece of film making, becoming active participants in von Trier’s ample madness. They help to elevate Antichrist beyond the level of torture porn, a label I wouldn’t so dismissively slap upon it. Gainsbourg probably should’ve received some recognition at Sunday’s Oscars, but they didn’t give out an award for most giant pair of balls. Or did Kathryn Bigelow win that too?

Overall, I’m glad that Antichrist exists, if only so we can talk about its merits. I’d recommend that everyone, if they think they can handle it, give it a watch. But I never want to see it again.

The images are beyond reproach. Well... some of them are.

Is this right before or right after they have quick, violent sex?

Jeff: Before we begin your therapy session, I'm going to need you to draw a pyramid. At the top of the pyramid, you should write down what you fear the most. For instance, the top of my pyramid reads: "being stuck in some fucking badger hole with a loud devil bird, while my crazy ass wife stalks me through the woods, oh and I have a weight stabbed through my leg and my balls are smashed."

It's a really big pyramid.

How's your balls?

Bill: I'm surprised the words "Chaos Reigns" haven't popped up yet.Along with The White Ribbon, Antichrist was my favorite movie of 2009.  I can't say I fully understand it, or that I really want to.  I lean towards Jason's interpretation, more or less believing that the message is that nature is inherently apathetic at best, evil at worst.  You can see this being built up with the acorns mercilessly falling on the cabin, and those pods (whatever they are) taking over His hand.  As She turns herself over to nature, she becomes apathetic and evil as well.  I am still pretty baffled by the gynocide, the three beggars and the faceless extras in the beginning and end of the film.  But who cares, so what?

Lars Von Trier is a master.  His movies have never been crowd pleasers (or actor pleasers), but you won't find any director working today with a clearer artistic vision.  His films challenge the audience, and this one is a full-on assault.  The first time I saw Antichrist, the dedication to Andrei Tarkovsky made me laugh out loud.  How can you dedicate a testicle smashing, clitoris snipping movie to anyone, let alone Russia's greatest director?  The more I pondered it though, the more it made sense.  Antichrist is clearly inspired by Tarkovsky.  The deliberately slow therapy scenes that make you squirm in your seat are reminiscent of pretty much every Tarkovsky film.  The visuals are definitely influenced by Mirror (which Wikipedia tells me Charlotte Gainsbourg was made to watch in preparation for the film).  The Epilogue, which is one of the most beautiful sequences I've ever seen on film, is straight out of Andrei Rublev.  You will not find this kind of artistry from Jason Reitman.

Jeff is right to point out the amazing dedication of the actors.  I cannot help but wonder what Charlotte Gainsbourg's mother thinks.  I don't think many actors would sign up for masturbating naked at the base of a tree.  In my own fantasy world, Antichrist would've pulled off a Cuckoo's Nest style sweep at the Oscars, but I realize that is just nonsense.  This movie will never have mass praise.  It's destined to be argued about by pretentious film students for all of eternity.

Named in honor of its #1 seed Indiana Jones, the Temple of Doom regional features an interesting mix of competitors. From legendary masters of pugilism to action heroes with notorious body counts, the top seeds of The Temple are a versatile bunch that will require all of Indy's improvisational skills to survive. However, one should not discount the presence of two master criminals lurking in the bottom half of the bracket, both poised to give the higher seeds a run for their money (or a rush rush to the yayo).

1. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc) vs 16. Billy Peltzer (Zach Galligan, Gremlins)

As a #1 seed, Indiana Jones’ reputation as a badass precedes him. Billy Peltzer however, who squeaks into the tournament as a #16, has a lot to prove. Peltzer makes the field after successfully defending a small town from a marauding band of carnivorous, hilarious monsters. While Peltzer might have committed the great gremlin genocide of Kingston Falls, his effectiveness against a human opponent remains untested. Say what you will about Peltzer’s relative greenness, but if Jones had to battle a bunch of Nazis that multiplied when wet, he might not have recovered the Ark.

8. Nico Toscani (Steven Seagal, Above the Law) vs 9. William H. Bonney (Emilio Estevez, Young Guns)

5. Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone, Rocky, etc) vs 12. Alex Grady (Eric Roberts, Best of the Best)

In a bout between two of the most upstanding, patriotic heroes this great nation has to offer, we have boxing legend Rocky Balboa squaring off with taekwondo master Alex Grady. The similarities here are endless: both have amazing tolerance for pain and a willingness to keep fighting when injured; both have faced off against the most vicious fighters that the Axis of Evil has to offer; and both conduct themselves with an honor and dignity rarely seen in this Tournament. Rocky would seem to have the advantage here, but after absorbing nearly a gazillion blows to the head, we have to wonder how punch drunk the Italian Stallion will be come fight time. Also, it remains to be seen how Grady’s trick shoulder will factor in. Frankly, these two sportsmen should consider themselves lucky to be pitted against one another. It’s all cold-blooded killers from here on out.

4. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Police Story, etc) vs 13. R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russell, The Thing)

Often described as Hong Kong’s answer to John McClane, Chan Ka-Kui is a force to be reckoned with. At #4, many of our international correspondents believe Ka-Kui should have ranked even higher. Accusations of American bias aside, we must acknowledge Ka-Kui’s preternatural speed and martial arts acumen will make him a tough out for anyone. The first to try is R.J. MacReady. Fresh from an Antarctic research station where MacReady eradicated (we hope) a parasitic alien life form primarily through use of a flamethrower, MacReady has really seen some heavy shit. For instance, Ka-Kui never had to deal with the severed head of a colleague sprouting spider legs and walking around. On the other hand, MacReady never faced an alien that could jump kick through a windshield.

6. Elliot Ness (Kevin Costner, The Untouchables) vs 11. Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)

A fortuitous matchup for both men as they are pitted against a natural enemy. It’s the mob buster vs. the master of misdirection and American accents. Look for Ness to take the fight vertical as he likes to throw people off buildings (a tactic Gruber is sure to resent due to an unexplained yet extreme fear of heights), while Gruber will likely set up an overly elaborate trap to take advantage of Ness’ battering ram instincts. Possibly the beginning of a lifelong grudge, this is sure to be one of the more contentious first round battles.

3. Dalton (Patrick Swayze, Road House) vs 14. Steve (Clancy Brown, Shoot to Kill)

In an intriguing first round match-up, massive fan favorite and the most legendary “cooler” (that’s better than just an ordinary bouncer, dummy) in the bar violence industry, Dalton, finds himself face-to-face with another one-name competitor, Steve. The sociopathic Steve is a relative unknown, but he makes the field after displaying a total disregard for human life that would make even Hans Gruber blush. Why throw one innocent camper off a cliff when you could throw six instead, right Steve? Not one to shy away from blowing a few heads off, it remains to be seen whether Steve can do Dalton any damage, or if he’s just the lone wolf equivalent of one of Wesley’s thugs.

7. Tony Montana (Al Pacino, Scarface) vs 10. Private Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens)

It’s the Battle of the Big Ass Guns as Montana’s M16 assault rifle with M203 grenade launcher attachment goes up against Vasquez’s M56 smart gun. Montana, the ruthless Cuban drug lord and self-proclaimed “bad guy” hasn’t seen the things that Vasquez, the hardened soldier of vaguely futuristic Hispanic (possibly Jewish) descent has. She exploded the bodies of many a deadly alien in space. Montana has a knack for surviving sticky situations though, known for escaping certain chainsaw death and still making off with the coke. It’s uncertain what effect Montana’s mountains of coke and Hoover-like nose will have on the matchup. The one certainty here is that the world might run out of bullets before it’s over.

2. John Matrix (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando) vs 15. Kesuke Miyagi (Pat Mortia, The Karate Kid)

Don’t let his boundless love for his daughter or his ice cream antics fool you, John Matrix is a killing machine and sure to be a favorite in any contest in which there is a premium on firepower, hand to hand combat and hilariously bad one-liners. Matrix, famous for invading the island of Val Verde and defeating an entire army singlehandedly, meets an odd foe in Miyagi, a mild mannered karate practitioner/instructor. Largely a pacifist, Miyagi is, however, not a stranger to the battlefield. He was awarded the Medal of Honor, Distinguished Service Cross, Silver Star, Bronze Star and multiple Purple Hearts during his thorough ass kicking in WWII for the good ol’ U.S. of A, all while his wife and unborn son were dying in an internment camp in California. Miyagi is definitely an underdog considering the disparity in age, physical stature and arsenal, but he’s also a more than capable fighter with a heartwarming story sure to resonate with the public.

Who do you see escaping The Temple of Doom and making it to the Final 4? What upsets do you see in the first round? Which has the better soundtrack The Karate Kid or Scarface? We want to hear from you!

The game of the future. Or the past. Or something.

Oh, excuse me. I watched a lot of curling during the Olympics. But that’s truly what went through my mind when I popped on the TV two weeks ago. Curling epitomizes the Winter Olympic appeal. We all tune in nightly to events and sports we never see anywhere else. A guy laying flat on a board zipping along at 90mph on a sheet of ice. A girl with skis on her feet and a gun in her hand. The entertainment is predicated on shock value or utter confusion. You’re determined first to spend a couple of sittings understanding what the fuck you're looking at, then you begin the process of enjoyment.

Ski jumping and luge, for instance, use speed and flashy moves to catch your attention. But during this year's Olympics, I discovered curling—a sport that’s really so much more than a punch line that's only relevant for two weeks out of every four years. Go beyond a perfunctory look at it and you’ll find a competitive game that requires a balanced combination of skill, execution, and strategy, as all sports do.

The three-moves-ahead thinking process recalls the mental intensity of a chess match. And while the competition is all about positioning and counter-positioning, these pieces don’t have the defined movement of a pawn or bishop. The possibilities are wide open once that curler glides forward and releases the stone.

Strategically, I’ve learned a bit about when someone might want to throw a guard and when one might want to throw a draw, landing the stone directly in the button, but I still feel fairly ignorant about the game. So any analysis I make should be mindful of this perspective. That said, curling seems to be missing an element so common among most sports: luck.

It appears to be a game all about control. Controlling the speed of the stone, controlling the line, controlling the curl and the movement with two team members furiously sweeping and pulling their brooms away at the appropriate moments. During the two weeks I spent fixated on the curling sheet, I never once heard the commentator attribute a bounce to good fortune. One team could get a good break, but always directly at the expense of the other’s imprecise execution.

It's a lonely man's dream sport.

While these intricate details of the game are part of its charm, we shan’t forget that the game has superficial beauty too. Midway through the Olympic fortnight, I texted a bunch of friends asking them if they’d been watching the curling, because, simply put, a lot of the women are cute as shit. Cupid struck me when I laid eyes on Melanie Robillard, who,  seems well aware of her sexiness. When I told my friend I thought she was a major C-Pie, he said he’d tap Eve Muirhead. While the women had a good natural look going, the men were making fashion statements.

Looks are one thing, voice is another. It’s hysterically funny to watch men and women shout “The weight’s good!” in German, Swedish and Japanese among other tongues, and that alone surely provided entertainment for those who didn’t bother to learn the game.

Hot girls and argyle pants aside, the curling broadcast had a human element that allows viewers to connect, and the commentators did a great job of building that up. Some participants are skinny, some chunky. Some are more vocal than others. They are teachers, market researchers, and law students. We got to know their backstories and on-ice personalities and we latched onto them. It’s the kind of connection the NHL has been trying to facilitate for years now between fan and athlete, but they’re often stymied by the speed of the game and the hockey player mindset of modesty and grit that translates to boring storylines—something Olympic producers simply won’t tolerate. Thus, Allison Pottinger and Debbie McCormick became household names.

But now that I have infiltrated the strange exterior of curling’s appearance, I’m saddened. How the hell am I going to get my fix? Almost everyday for two solid weeks I’ve parked myself in front of the tube and eagerly watched my huddled countrymen strategize and manipulate the obscurities of the game. It’s both hilarious and sad that, poof, it’s gone like a winter ghost. I don’t have any way of watching it and four years from now I’ll re-live the moment when I’m sitting in my comfy chair, reading the curling Wikipedia page to learn the rules all over again.

Or maybe not. Maybe there’ll be a scandal or two to keep it in the news. Maybe we’ll find out John Shuster shit the bed at the Olympics because he was battling a sex addiction. Maybe Debbie McCormick will come out and admit to performance enhancing drug use. Considering all this unlikely, I plan to take it into my own hands. My friends and I are taking lessons in the Fall and we plan to keep curling in our lives. We encourage you to find a nearby club off the U.S. Curling Association’s list and do the same if you got similar enjoyment from this obscure game.

Even if you didn’t learn much from curling this winter, it probably taught you that you can be an Olympic athlete while you’re overweight and in your 40s. It may not be too late for your name to resonate in households. If you’re a freelance writer who learns how to throw a mean run back, you could be there in 2014 whether you’re hot or not.

It's the most important night in Hollywood. That means it's the most important night anywhere.

Oh, hello. You've made it up the red carpet, beyond the flash bulbs and velvet ropes, and have arrived at Culture Blues' exclusive LIVE coverage of the Academy Awards. Settle in. Have a glass of our special Hometree wine. Do you like quiche? Shaped like Jeff Bridges' head? Have some, please.

Your hosts for the evening are editors Jeff Hart and Jeremiah White (the Alec Baldwin and Ellen DeGeneres of Culture Blues, respectively). They're joined by pretentious film snob and Sandra Bullock lover Bill Magee, arbiter of all things ballin' Jason Arican, and raging alcoholic Ben Van Iten. Tune in for more informed commentary (we've seen, like, most of these movies) than your fragile brain can handle, and stay for an excessive peppering of cynicism and snark.

Welcome to the party:

Don't disappoint us you old bastards.

There is a lot of buzz about Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin hosting tomorrow’s Academy Awards, and rightfully so; they are two very talented entertainers and I, for one, expect a great show from them.

The emphasis here is on entertainers - hosting the Academy Awards takes tremendous chops and versatility. After all, you are tasked with entertaining a room full of people who consider entertaining everyone else to be their life’s work. This is certainly not a gig for Russell Brand.

It is also, apparently, not a gig for Sacha Baron Cohen, either. First-year producers Adam Shankman (one of the judges on So You Think You Can Dance) and Bill Mechanic (you know, Bill Mechanic) initially wanted Baron Cohen, an interesting idea that was promptly (and probably smartly) shot down by the Academy.  This is a night that is equal parts funny and somber, there is no place for the inevitable butt-cheek bit.

Looking back over the last 25 years, there has been an interesting range of hosts. Some that clearly worked (those who were invited back), and some that didn’t (Ellen DeGeneres).

Some interesting facts about the MCs from the last 25 years of movie’s greatest night:

• There have only been 15 different hosts (10 if you don’t count the 1986 and 1987 shows that had three hosts each).
• Billy Crystal has hosted the most over this period (8), but Bob Hope oversaw the most Academy Awards ever (18 freaking times over a span of 38 years. As Hov would say, “Clap for em”).
• Whoopi Goldberg was the first woman, African- American, and Oscar-winner to host on her own. She was also the first to dress up as Queen Elizabeth (including white face). How this hasn’t become an Oscar tradition, I do not know.
• The 61^st Academy Awards (1989) was a complete fuck-menagerie for a number of reasons, one of which being that it did not have an official host. Another being the fact that the Academy was nearly sued by Disney for using the likeness of Snow White. Another being the fact that the Academy used the likeness of Snow White.
• Chris Rock was brought on to host the 77^th Academy Awards (2005). Producers wanted more edge, but excitement turned to disappointment when Rock made fun of golden boy Jude Law.
• Jon Stewart hosted the 78^th and 80^th Academy Awards (2006 and 2008) and rocked it.
• In between these years, Ellen DeGeneres hosted the 79^th Academy Awards and pretty much sucked.

There you have it! A recap of the 25 most important nights in the lives of many people, summed up in seven bullet points.

In all seriousness, I’m pretty jazzed about watching Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin tomorrow. Actually, let me take that back, because HD makes Steve Martin look like C3PO (if you saw his guest appearance on 30 Rock, you know what I mean). If it wasn’t for Sandra Bullock, I’d just as soon listen to the audiocast.

Sandra Bullock is the front-runner to win Best Actress at the Oscars on Sunday.  Even two months ago, I would've been shocked to learn I'd be typing those words today.

You get me that Oscar, you big dummy!

Sandy has been one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood for over a decade.  It's hard to think of a good reason why.  The majority of her work has been stupid comedies, stupid romantic comedies and movies where she's aboard something that is about to blow up.  Before 2009, she was hardly bankable at the box office (and even 2009 included All About Steve, let us not forget that).  At least half her movies are commercial and critical failures (well, all of them are critical failures).  But The Proposal and The Blind Side combined made over $550 million worldwide, so 2009 has been named her "comeback" year, though she's been pocketing over $20 million a picture all along.

The Blind Side, for which she is nominated, is a ridiculous movie.  Equal parts Rudy and Precious, it's the falsely heartwarming, possibly racist story of Michael Oher's rise from the ghetto to the Baltimore Ravens.  Obviously, the film focuses on the Tuohys, the white, affluent Republican family that took him in and taught him to play football.  It's positively baffling that this film has made $250 million and gotten a Best Picture nomination.  The sequence of "Big Mike" and youngest Tuohy S.J. (who is in the top 10 most annoying child actors I've ever seen) duetting on "Bust a Move" should really disqualify it from both distinctions.  I suppose the film's financial success isn't that much of a shocker, because all it does is pander to Middle America.  Pandering to Middle America is where Sandra comes in.

Wait - you mean Bullock doesn't already have an Oscar?

Now, Sandra Bullock gives a perfectly fine performance in The Blind Side.  As Leigh Ann she has blond hair, an accent and a heart of gold.  There are a couple tender moments here and there, such as when she goes to meet Michael's cliche crackhead mother, which I am not ashamed to say got me.  She should be proud of her work, because she's pretty much all that makes the movie watchable (sorry, Tim McGraw!).  I commend her for transcending her reputation of giving mediocre performances in terrible movies, by giving a slightly above average performance in a terrible movie.

But, should the Academy Award really go to Sandra Bullock?  If you've been reading up to this point, it won't surprise you that I say no.

Sandra Bullock winning Best Actress for The Blind Side is pretty much the same level of stupidity as Taylor Swift winning the Grammy for Album of the Year.  Both Bullock and Swift are perfectly charming, mildly talented ladies.  For whatever reason, America loves them to bits, and why not?  They're delightful!  But do we then give them awards that are basically saying "out of everyone who does your job, you were the best at it!"  Obviously, in real life, Oscars don't mean anything.  Cuba Gooding Jr. has one.  We've all drunkenly pontificated that you can't compare art, and there's no way to really determine that a film or song or TV show is really "the best."  I, however, can be pretty sure that Sandra Bullock was not "the best" at her craft last year.

The Academy loves shit like this.  Frivolous A-lister gives decent performance in serious movie, frivolous A-lister wins an Oscar (note: it doesn't work for Best Actor, sorry Jim Carrey!).  It's good for ratings, and it's a nice way of saying, "look how talented this person we've shoved down your throats for years really is!"  As long as you're well liked around town (sorry, Eddie Murphy!), you're golden.  All of your Two If by Seas, forgotten.  The problem is that the day after, you're still considered a serious actor.  If and when she wins, we are going to be subjected to a lot more Serious Bullock.  America, are we really going to be complicit in the legitimizing of Sandra Bullock?

Now Sandy, if you're reading this, it's nothing personal.  You seem like a Grade A delight.  Your acceptance speeches at the Golden Globes and SAG Awards were humble and charming, and this certainly hurts a lot less than that Julia Roberts/Ellen Burstyn/Bjork debacle in 2001.  Part of me will be happy to see your goofy, Betty White loving, million dollars to Haiti donating ass go up on that stage on Sunday.  But the rest of me will weep for the future of cinema.

Our drive, our need to explain the heretofore unexplained all started with a simple question that boils mankind down to its most primal, its most instinctual, its most badass. Six simple words:

“Who would win in a fight?”

In the heady days of Spring 2004, Jeff Hart and Jeremiah White, now co-founders of this fine website, created a single elimination tournament featuring 64 of the deadliest characters in the history of (mostly action) movies. They chose the participants, seeded them, and set up the bracket. They allowed fellow movie and hypothetical fight fans to fill out brackets with their predictions March Madness style. Turnout was meager, but anticipation was high. It was the equivalent of Orville Wright and his twin brother Frank Lloyd Wright’s first attempt at building a flying house. Strange and beautiful, yet largely forgotten.

Six years have passed since that early experimentation and the desire to see imaginary blood spilt in the field of fantasy combat has not waned in either of our editors. Now, armed with a shiny new website that just so happens to be sentient and capable of running detailed virtual combat scenarios, our editors once again intend to find out who is the most badass. They have narrowed their focus to the 80s (the most badass decade of them all). They have selected a field of cops, criminals, assassins, space marines, regular marines, kingpins, prisoners, boxers, martial artists, barbarians, maniacs, delinquent teenagers and more. They have seeded their fighters, prepared the bracket, and devoted their Skynet level resources to running countless simulations. And now, ladies (who are we kidding?) and gentlemen, they present to you…

The Tournament: 80s Badass Edition

How does it work?

The field of 64 has been assembled using the following guidelines:
-Competitors must have a feature film appearance in the 80s to be eligible. Once that criterion is met, all films from other decades are considered for evaluation.
-Absolutely no super powers allowed.
-Owning a Millennium Falcon is considered a super power.
-No actor can be represented more than 4 times (The Arnold Rule).
-Characters portrayed by the same actor cannot appear in the same regional.

Fights are contested under the following rules:
-The question being debated is “who would in a fight?”
-Fights are not necessarily to the death.
-Most fights will be to the death.
-There are no preset conditions for location, weaponry, weather, etc. These factors, if considered, are decided on the whim of the judges.
-All winners must be chosen unanimously by the judges. If a decision can absolutely not be reached, the sentient website will break the deadlock.

That’s right – we said judges. This is not some pandering popularity contest like you might find on other entertainment sites. We won’t be handicapping our fighters by tying their fates to the fickle hands of amateur prognosticators who have likely never seen Steel Dawn and probably need to iMDB who Tommy Jarvis is. Our editors, Jeff Hart (qualifications: teen freedom fighter during the Russian invasion of the Midwest, knows what is best in life) and Jeremiah White (qualifications: expert at making fists with toes, youngest ever winner of The Kumite) are the most qualified experts on badassery anywhere on the internet.

That is not meant to discourage participation. Far from it! None of the tournament bouts will be decided in advance and your judges will be tirelessly monitoring the comments section of this website, keeping an eye out for any convincing arguments that might sway their decisions. They are like the Supreme Court, except they sit upon thrones of human bones and launch their rulings from bazookas.

Also, there are prizes. Once the seedings are revealed next week, there will be a nifty bracket to download and send in. If your predictions are more accurate than those of what will likely be thousands of other participants, you could win cool Culture Blues swag and a one shining moment DVD of our Badass Grand Champion (or, more likely, a DVD of your choice from any of the eligible films).

With the rules explained, we are proud to present your top seeds:

#1 - Golden Gate Bridge Regional

“Dirty” Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood, Sudden Impact, etc) – The ultimate renegade cop, Callahan is known as much for his hair trigger temper as his deadly accuracy with a firearm.  While he may lack the quick wit and quip ability of other hero cops in the field, Callahan comes armed with a Magnum so powerful the kickback would shred the deltoids of any mortal man. A rigid upholder of a strict moral code, a stoic killer of wrong-doers, a stone cold badass – it’s time for some capital punishment served street style.

#1 - Temple of Doom Regional

Doctor Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford, Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc) – Perhaps the most scholarly entrant in the tournament, the illustrious Dr. Jones is not your ordinary archaeology professor. Disregarding his skill with a sidearm and bullwhip, Jones is a brilliant improviser, capable of turning nearly any situation to his advantage. He also single-handedly won the Second World War for the allies. It remains to be seen just how much of a factor Short Round will play come tournament time.

#1 - Nakatomi Plaza Regional

John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard, etc) – On the surface, McClane is just another somewhat schlubby, wise-cracking New York City cop. Don’t be deceived. Throughout his professional career, McClane has shown an amazing aptitude for causing mayhem, destruction and ultimately death. He is the self-proclaimed fly in the ointment for a reason. Perhaps McClane’s biggest strength is his ability to survive damn near anything thrown at him – from terrorists to helicopters. Is there anyone capable of defeating Mr. Cowboy? We intend to find out.

#1 - Hope Outskirts Regional

John J Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, First Blood, etc) – The poster boy for post traumatic stress syndrome, Rambo is a one man army gone completely off the reservation. A former war hero now entirely unhinged, Rambo is capable of insane amounts of violence. The only thing greater than his tolerance for pain is his disconnect from reality. Used to fighting entire platoons of hardened killers behind enemy lines (or in the suburbs), Rambo should be a force to be reckoned with in 1-on-1 combat, assuming his fragile psyche doesn’t render him a crying ball of easy prey.

Forget top ten lists. Forget democratically decided popularity contests. This is an intellectual venture. An exercise in hypotheticals the world will never be lucky enough to actually witness. Next week, we begin to reveal the brackets in earnest. Clear some space at the top of your Netflix queue because you’re going to want to bring home some action movies. It’s about to get real badass around here.

Who do you expect to see in the brackets? Which, if any, actors will receive the maximum of 4 appearances? Which of the top seeds will be first to fall? Tell us in the comments!