Paralytic Stalks - Of Montreal

Whether it be work, a date, a fad, or something in between, we’ve all had those instances in life when we were late for something. Bearing that in mind, consider this: due to the sheer volume of music released every year, it is damn near impossible to stay on top of all the great bands that are out there making their din in the evening. If you added my last two assertions together, their logical sum would be that we’ve all had the misfortune of getting hip to bands during their nadir (it’s just a fact of life). This universal constant (which I think I may have just made up) is essentially what I experienced while listening to the latest Of Montreal record Paralytic Stalks.

Please, allow me elaborate.

At this time last year I had gone my entire life without hearing a single Of Montreal song. It wasn’t a situation where I had anything against the band, I had just never gotten around to their catalog as I made my journey through the millions of hours of recorded music that exist. Fast forward to last May. I am standing in beautiful sunny Barcelona, enjoying the aural splendors of the magnificent music festival that is Primavera Sound. There is a look of surprised enjoyment on my face, and I’m watching Of Montreal in concert. I had no intention of seeing Of Montreal that day, but some of the people in my party insisted it would be worth it and I, being a man of great compromise, went to check it out. It turns out it was one of the best decisions I could have made. In fact, if you have never been to an Of Montreal show, you need to do so immediately. The spectacle that Kevin Barnes and company put on is a sight to behold; we’re talking costumes, luchadores, a referee, little people, confetti and ribbons showering the crowds, and best of all, extremely fun blasts of pop-disco-psychedelic-cabaret. The best way to describe the whole thing was that it felt like one big party. Which is exactly what I expected to hear when I put on Paralytic Stalks. Instead I found out the party is over, and everyone left is crashing.

Paralytic Stalks is the eleventh studio album by Of Montreal and it marks a bit of a departure from the band’s carnival-like hallucinatory sound. This time around Kevin Barnes (who is the band’s principal songwriter, and records all the albums alone) channels a much darker, disoriented, energy into his work, blurring some tracks in ambient layers which cast a gray pall over the record, especially its latter third. I was expecting tunes that would be rattling around in my brain for the next month, instead I got moody introspective numbers which were fine, but not quite what I wanted. Sure, Paralytic Stalks does possess some pop gems, with Dour Percentage and We Will Commit Wolf Murder both meriting some praise. There are even moments when the newer elements manage to take a song to interesting places, as in the album's superb closer Authentic Pyrrhic Remission, but all in all I would have to say the record feels a little underwhelming.

There is a duality to Paralytic Stalks which makes it feel as if it lacks cohesion. Listening to this record feels like watching a movie comprised of  half of two other movies. I am not sure that my last analogy made much sense, but I am not too worried about that, because neither does this record.

News:

Don Cornelius 1936-2012

R.I.P: The music world was shocked this week to learn that the creator, and former host, of Soul Train, Don Cornelius, died of an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head early Wednesday morning. The Chicago-born, velvet-voiced, television host and producer was found dead on the floor of his Mulholland Drive home by authorities who responded to a report of a shooting at 4:00AM. Cornelius’ body was brought to Cedar-Sinai where he was officially pronounced dead.

After returning from military service in Korea, Cornelius worked a number of different jobs including insurance salesman, car salesman, and Chicago police officer. In 1966, Cornelius was the married father of two boys when he decided to quit his day job, and enrolled in a three month broadcasting course. That same year he took jobs as an announcer, news reporter, and disc jockey on Chicago radio station WVON. It was during this phase of his life that Cornelius became aware that America did not have a television show which featured Soul music, nor one that was dedicated to African-American youth culture.

In 1970, Cornelius created Soul Train for the Chicago television station WCIU, serving as its writer, producer, and host. The show quickly became a local sensation, and by '71 Cornelius moved to Los Angeles where he began broadcasting nationally, starting a 35 year run in syndication. During Soul Train's height of popularity, it was as influential an hour of television as ever aired in this country. Some of the biggest names in Soul and R&B performed on Soul Train during the '70's and '80's, with artists like James Brown, Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye, and Aretha Franklin making numerous legendary appearances throughout the years. Soul Train was also used as an avenue to expose white musicians, like Elton John and David Bowie, to black audiences in the states, broadening all horizons involved.

Who doesn't love a good party?

Of course, Soul Train’s impact on our country’s culture extended far beyond just the music of the times. Every week the show would feature the latest in fashion, dance, and the overall style of African-American youth, giving white America a window into a world that was foreign to many of them. Upon hearing of Mr. Cornelius’ death, numerous civil rights leaders and academics were quick to pay tribute to the man and his legacy, including Lonnie G. Bunch III (the director of the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African American History and Culture), who had this to say: “For young black teenagers like myself, (Soul Train) gave us a sense of pride and a sense that the culture we loved could be shared and appreciated nationally.”

Mr. Cornelius had experienced some hard times over the last five years of his life, as financial problems, multiple run-ins with the law (including an ugly spousal abuse incident), and a bitter divorce from his second wife, Russian model Viktoria Chapman-Cornelius, all began to take their toll. In 2009, he was sentenced to three years probation after pleading no contest to misdemeanor charges of spousal battery in a plea bargain, while in 2010 Cornelius told the judge presiding over his divorce that he was having “significant health problems,” but did not elaborate.

Those closest to Cornelius seemed to be genuinely shocked that the 75 year old could have taken his own life, although a Chicago Sun-Times piece released February 2nd suggests that he may have been bipolar, and perhaps quite depressed in the months preceding his death. Such conjecture matters very little now, because this is the point in the tale where the narrator only has nice things to say. Don Cornelius was a broadcasting giant, a cultural icon, and one of the coolest cats ever to rock an afro and a thin microphone. Let’s hope his message of love, peace, and soul lives on long past the echo of his words.

This is the exact face Minaj made when she found out her video was banned.

Other Countries Mock Us For Stuff Like This: Earlier this week BET decided that the Hype Williams-directed video for Nicki Minaj’s Stupid Hoe (which I’m assuming is one of many Lil’ Kim diss tracks appearing on the upcoming Roman’s Reloaded) was unfit to air, and banned it. Though there has been no official statement from the network explaining the banning, an unnamed rep did tell TMZ that the video was deemed too explicit for television. Having watched said video more than ten times as of the writing of this Clef Notes, I still don’t really get what BET’s problem is.

Sure, the lyrics to Stupid Hoe are pretty salacious, and could even be considered offensive to some audiences (particularly those of the female variety), but we’ve all definitely heard worse. Some of my peers have mentioned that the last twenty seconds of Stupid Hoe would have to be entirely bleeped in order to get onto airwaves and, although that’s true, it does boggle my mind that those who bring up this point don’t acknowledge that it would be pretty simple to come up with a politically correct edit. Over the first minute and twenty seconds of the video there isn’t anything that could be classified as explicit about the images, unless you are shocked by the butt of a nude mannequin (which would make you an idiot). At around the 1:20 mark, we see some shots of Minaj dressed provocatively while crawling around in a yellow cage, but none of the “choreography” involved is any racier than what was portrayed in her hit Super Bass video. When Stupid Hoe gets to the 2:43 mark there are some full on shots of Minaj’s butt - in a thong, and covered in fishnet- and although it’s unquestionably a remarkable image, it’s still no worse than those you would find in a typical modern video (does anyone remember Christina Aguilera’s Dirty?).

This is not the first time that BET has banned a video from its airwaves. Some of you may remember when the network banned Ciara’s Ride back in 2010, for also being too explicit. There is, however, a good chance it could be the last time; after all, who the fuck watches videos on television, anyway? The Stupid Hoe video actually premiered on the Vevo website, and is already a monster, drawing over 4 million views this week. Minaj also went the extra mile to defend the decision to premiere the video on the Internet via her twitter with this statement: “It's important that my art is not tampered with, or compromised prior to you viewing it for the 1st time." The impressive number of views, and the declining ratings of music television stations, only serve to reinforce the notion that networks are now meaningless when it comes to exposure, and just a sad remnant of the glorious past. Besides, Minaj is right, no one should be allowed to edit, censor, or tamper with art, especially media conglomerates.

One final point... Can Hype Williams please stop directing videos that are intended to give us all epileptic seizures? I suggest you have your cell phone nearby when you watch this clip, in case you need to call an ambulance (you didn't think I would write all this and NOT post the video, did you?).

Reviews:

Born To Die - Lana Del Rey

In all honesty, I wanted Born To Die to be great. It would have been a real treat to see Del Rey get the last laugh and make all of those who tried to take her down eat crow. Sadly, this is not the case. Instead, Born To Die is fifty minutes of Lana Del Rey failing to live up to any of the hype that surrounds her. Nearly every moment of this record comes off as horrendously contrived. No other song on this album even comes close to achieving the apparent lightning in a bottle-type excellence of Video Games... [Full Review]

16th Notes:

We should all hope to look that good at fifty.

The British are all beyond ecstatic, because the Spice Girls are reuniting to perform at the Queen’s upcoming Diamond Jubilee (marking the 60th year of her reign). I wonder which of the Spice Girls is Elizabeth’s favorite?... Guns N’ Roses announced some February club shows in the New York City and Chicago area this week. Don’t bother trying to buy tickets from Ticketmaster,we have all learned by now that such exercises are futile... Garbage has completed their first new album in seven years, and it's set to be released on May 15th. Butch Vig is in Garbage, and I love Butch Vig, so I will try my best to not dwell on the fact that I don’t know a single person who is excited about a new Garbage record... James Murphy recently let the world know that his next business venture will be as a coffee maven. I am so glad I don’t drink coffee, because I would not want to be one of the suck- I mean, people, who buy this... Katy Perry is reportedly busy developing a 3D movie. There are so many places I want to go with this joke, but most are rather inappropriate and low-brow, so instead I will go with this: (Raspberry)... Bjork appeared on Colbert this week and it was totally hilarious. Watch it and be prepared to laugh... Drake performed at the NHL All-Star game last weekend. I didn’t watch the game, but I have watched this clip about a dozen times... Lou Reed recently announced an upcoming Summer tour which will be dubbed from VU to LULU. That’s right kids, you will finally have the chance to hear Heroin and Junior Dad all at the same awful show... St. Vincent will appear on the Valentine’s Day episode of Gossip Girl, and I won’t be watching... Lana Del Rey is considering re-releasing her digitally distributed first album, which she produced under the Lizzie Grant moniker. I am starting to think this woman is just a glutton for punishment...

Top Twenty List:

As I was writing about Nicki Minaj’s banned video I started to do a little research into songs that have been banned through the years, and lo, a Top Twenty list was born. These songs were all banned from radio airplay and, in some cases, were not even allowed to be sold in some countries, mostly due to thinly veiled drug references, “explicit” content, or religious references.

20) Physical - Olivia Newton John
19) Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
18) Eve Of Destruction - Barry McGuire
17) Oasis - Amanda Palmer
16) Pictures Of Lilly - The Who
15) The Bitch Is Back - Elton John
14) Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen
13) I Want Your Sex - George Michael
12) Let’s Spend The Night Together - The Rolling Stones
11) Love Me Two Times - The Doors
10) Relax - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
9) God Save The Queen - The Sex Pistols
8) Happiness Is A Warm Gun - The Beatles
7) Louie Louie - The Kingsmen
6) Great Balls Of Fire - Jerry Lee Lewis
5) Only The Good Die Young - Billy Joel
4) Street Fighting Man - The Rolling Stones
3) My Generation - The Who
2) God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
1) A Day In The Life - The Beatles

Tracks Of The Week:

Bad Girls - M.I.A: I was quite surprised when I learned that everyone was super-psyched about the "new" M.I.A track, Bad Girls, this week. Mainly because I had already given this song a positive write-up when it was a Track Of The Week a year ago. Well, just in time for her cameo during this Sunday’s Super Bowl half-time show, Bad Girls is back! This time it’s about ninety seconds longer, and a bit more slickly produced, but it’s still essentially the same great track that appeared on the Vicki Leex mixtape last January.

Boobie Miles - Big K.R.I.T: Big Mother F’n K.R.I.T is without question one of my favorite rappers in the game today, and I have been chomping at the bit for the follow-up to the fantastic Return Of 4Eva. Well, thankfully, 4Eva N a Day drops February 20th, and not only has the mixtape’s first single, Boobie Miles, already seen the light of day, but it’s another classic (K.R.I.T. did it again!). Everything you could want from a new K.R.I.T track is present and accounted for: some smooth as hell production, his trademark Southern swag, and an engaging tale worth hearing again and again.

Born To Die - Lana Del Rey

I knew this day would come. Born To Die was going to drop eventually and it was, unfortunately, going to be sub-par. Of course I’d review it, and I would no doubt spend most of my review contemplating, deliberating, and dissecting the very nature of Lana Del Rey. I knew this day would come, yet it’s not any easier.

Over the course of the last six months or so I, like the rest of the Internet music critiquing glitterati, have been writing about every move and moment of Lana Del Rey’s life. During that span there was one distinct difference between my coverage and that of the rest of my colleagues; I wasn’t a biased cynic intent on throwing dirt on a career that had, for all intent and purposes, not yet begun. I was actually kind of pulling for her, because I am just that kind of optimistic guy,the kind who wishes the best for all of us... That, and the fact that when people make great records it's good for both me as a critic and music as a whole.

By this point in the narrative the truth about Del Rey has been greatly obscured by the vitriol. She was born Lizzie Grant (one isn't allowed to write a serious piece about Del Rey without using her birth name), grew up in Lake Placid, New York, went to prep school in Connecticut, and moved to New York City at eighteen to attend Fordham University. Her father is millionaire investor Rob Grant, who numerous articles cite as the bankroller of her career. Grant dropped out of Fordham to chase her musical aspirations and in 2008 began to write songs and perform at venues in and around New York City. By the age of 20 she had signed a deal with the record label 5 Points, began working with some high profile producers, and released her first EP Kill, Kill. Grant’s tenure with 5 Points also produced a second record, though she was not pleased with the final product and asked for it to be shelved while working out a deal to buy her masters and get out of her contract (it was right around this time when the name change happened). After a couple years spent reworking material and reshaping her image, Lana Del Rey was born, complete with hit song,  new look, altered persona, and her new role as Queen of the hate prom.

So to recap: her name isn’t Lana Del Rey, her daddy is rich, she’s not a time traveling ingenue who lost her virginity to James Dean while listening to Biggie Smalls on her iPod, and her lips aren’t real (allegedly).

It would be impossible for me to count how many arguments I have had about Del Rey since Video Games went viral and her existence went polarizing. Just so we’re clear, my stances were simple: I enjoyed Video Games (it’s a great song, deal with it), and I felt that the immense amount of backlash she had engendered was unreasonable. Why does anyone care that a pop-star may or may not be phony? Katy Perry topped the charts with songs about Kissing Girls, yet her first album was a Christian-pop record released under the name Katy Hudson (*gasp*). Grammy-winning artist Norah Jones, who is widely respected in the music community, has a super rich daddy, but no one gave her any grief for that as she was coming up. Did we all forget that some of The Strokes come from big money? Nancy Sinatra (who many critics feel Del Rey tries to emulate) was fucking Frank Sinatra’s daughter, for Christ's sake! The arguments against Del Rey get much more irrational with young people, Internet detractors, and drunken idiots at parties. I have, for example, actually had people try to convince me that the Illuminati, or some other cabal, had a hand in making Del Rey what she is today. Let me reiterate a point from earlier in this paragraph... So what?

We all know that a vast percentage of entertainment is essentially a put-on, and in most cases we gladly disregard these factors due to the intrinsic complicity between art and its audience. Lady Gaga is allowed to be Lady Gaga without snarky bloggers referring to her as Stefani every chance they get. Marilyn Manson went around calling himself the Anti-Christ Superstar in the mid-90s, without having that claim debated, or even derided, for the most part (unless you were a sign-waving Westboro Church type). David Bowie was not Ziggy Stardust, and thus not from outer space, and neither is Ace Frehley... I’m sure you can see where I’m going. So the question needs to be asked: what makes Del Rey’s case different?

There are a multitude of answers for that question, but the simplest one also happens to ring the most true - the world is an awfully cynical place these days. The type of scrutiny that exists within the constant modern discourse that is the blogosphere, message boards, and twitter is so harsh that the only way an artist can make it  is with the appropriate amount of cred, and the correct combination of blessings from taste-makers. I don't see this circumstance changing any time soon, to be honest, I can only see it getting worse. Of course, none of that really matters if you have some great songs in your repertoire and, it turns out, Lana Del Rey does not.

This leads me to the review section of this review.

In all honesty, I wanted Born To Die to be great. It would have been a real treat to see Del Rey get the last laugh and make all of those who tried to take her down eat crow. Sadly, this is not the case. Instead, Born To Die is fifty minutes of Lana Del Rey failing to live up to any of the hype that surrounds her. Nearly every moment of this record comes off as horrendously contrived. No other song on this album even comes close to achieving the apparent lightning in a bottle-type excellence of Video Games.

From the moment I heard the orchestral schmaltz and ubiquitous dub accents of the the album’s opening and title-track, I found myself wincing in anticipation of where the song was going to take me. After sitting through the chorus and “hook” for the first time, my wincing had evolved to a cringe, and I began to be consumed with dread. Things only got worse with Born To Die’s second track, Off To The Races, which actually features Del Rey singing in what I can only assume is her natural octave, and some truly embarrassing lyrics which, I assure you, the Illuminati would never have any part in. Thankfully, the album’s quality does raise slightly over the next two tracks as Blue Jeans, a song that I never liked but did manage to chart, and Video Games, a song I do not hide my enjoyment of, manage to provide an intermission from the the well produced malaise. Of course, once Diet Mountain Dew and its insufferable bridge come through the speakers everything goes back to being horrible. The first half of the record ends with National Anthem, a song which is obviously meant to be a tongue-in-cheek swipe at the vapid and materialistic members of our society, but does such a horrible job of conveying its subtext that it already has people demonizing it as a song with a terrible message (bravo!).

The album's second half kicks off with Dark Paradise, an over-dramatic Euro club-thumper that sports a weak and over-used melody, while feeling twice as long as its listed runtime. Then, just when the air has all but leaked out of the album, Radio delivers a three and a half minute reprieve that actually helps to stabilize the record. In fact, I found that most of Born To Die’s stronger tracks were in the record’s second half, as Million Dollar Man, This Is What Makes Us Girls and the rest of the last four songs are actually quite serviceable at times... Though we all know that having one great song, one decent song, and a couple of serviceable songs are not the proper components for an adequate, let alone good, record.

"So," you ask, " where does this leave Lana Del Rey?" Well, I had a hard enough time believing that her career would ever be able to get any traction before I heard this record and, having experienced its shortcomings, I suppose it is improbable. But we already knew that, right? After all, even Brian Williams recently took a swipe at Del Rey after her horrific performances on SNL. Yeah, that’s right; TV news personality Brian Williams. That’s how mainstream it has become to disparage Lana Del Rey. Do you think Brian Williams would have had something glib to say if Robin Pecknold had had a tough performance on SNL? It is my belief that Lana Del Rey has become something of a cautionary tale of the modern world. A hype machine martyr, if you will. Future pop-stars should take note of her trials and learn from her mistakes, or they too can be hated because their daddies were rich, they were too pretty, or they dared to synthesize the wrong genres or fashions together.

News:

Adieu.

Another One Bites The Dust: Last week I wrote a frightened and somewhat impassioned piece about two anti-piracy bills which were making their way through our political channels and threatening the sanctity of the Internet itself. Thankfully, due to nationwide protests, online petitions, and various forms of Internet activism, said legislation has been shelved for the foreseeable future and postponed indefinitely. Of course these small victories have not, and will not, deter the corporate and Federal sectors from continuing to battle online piracy, which has been made evident by the insanity that surrounded last week’s Megaupload shutdown, and the fallout it caused.

Federal prosecutors issued a 72 page indictment last Thursday which led to the shutdown of one of the web’s largest peer to peer file-sharing sites. Launched back in 2005, Megaupload quickly became one of the most popular destinations for people interested in swapping all forms of media. The site was initially intended to be used as a tool for web-based collaboration, but over time, as the world’s bandwith increased, it became a haven for digital piracy. Back in December of last year, the website encountered some trouble with Universal Music Group for releasing a music video featuring many of the label’s signed artists (Kanye, Diddy, Alicia Keys, Swiss Beatz) praising the website and its growth. Looking back on it that video was, without question, the first line of Megaupload’s death sentence.

Fast forward to last week. The indictment is issued, the site is taken down, and (as you would expect) hacktivists groups like Anonymous kick things up a notch (yes, that was totally an Emeril quote. BAM!!!) by attacking the websites of Universal Music Group, the Recording Industry Association of America, the Motion Picture Association of America, and even the Department Of Justice. All of this well deserved Internet malfeasance was enough to inconvenience the agencies involved for a short time, but the sites were all back to normal by the weekend, and the alleged hacking did nothing to change the Megaupload situation.

Awww.

Things then got crazy over the weekend as New Zealand authorities swarmed the mansion of Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom, in order to apprehend him and bring him to “justice.” According to a report from Reuters, dozens of police officers (some in helicopters) raided the German programmer's home, where they found him in his safe room with a loaded shotgun in his possession. One of the New Zealand officials involved in the raid told Reuters: "Despite our staff clearly identifying themselves, Mr. Dotcom retreated into the house and activated a number of electronic-looking mechanisms." Police apparently had to cut their way into parts of the home, where they seized two other firearms and more than twenty cars, some sporting vanity plates like HACKER, MAFIA, and STONED.

As I mentioned before, there has been considerable fallout from the demise of Megaupload. The New York Times has reported that other file-sharing sites are taking precautionary measures to avoid becoming the next victim of Federal prosecutors. Popular peer to peer sites such as Filesonic, Fileserve, FileJungle, UploadStation, 4shared, VideoBB, VideoZer, UploadBox, and Uploaded.to, among others, have overhauled their services to stop allowing public sharing, stop allowing U.S. users, or completely shutting down in some cases. These actions and contingencies do not bode well for Americans who wish to continue engaging in file-sharing, or otherwise enjoying the Interent’s spoils (yeah, I’m talking to you).

U.S. authorities are calling the Megaupload raid “one of the largest copyright cases in history” and some industry big-wigs have already taken the opportunity to crow about the shutdown. The RIAA’s Vice President of Strategic Data Analysis, Joshua P. Friedlander, even wrote a blog-post (how “with it”) titled “Why Closing Megaupload Matters”; you can read it here if you must, but if I were you I would be busy online doing “whatever” before it’s too late (wink, wink).

Why does this cat have different colored eyes?

I Feel Better Already: For the last couple of weeks I have been experiencing a very sharp pain in my temples, which has been accompanied by involuntary shaking and a near constant fever. I went to my doctor, eager to find out what the source of my affliction was, but he was stumped. After numerous other trips to equally helpless medical professionals, I was laying in bed one night, unable to sleep due to my maladies, when it struck me! Other than some random reviews, I have not written about Odd Future for a while, and a malevolent combination of the blogosphere and zeitgeist was making me sick as a result (the life of a music journalist is brutal). So here it goes...

The controversial California rap-collective has announced a string of North American tour dates beginning this March, which will be sure to bring out all of your town’s miscreants and racially-confused white-kids. Each stop on the tour will be accompanied by an "Odd Future pop-up store" (I am not really sure what that means, and I don’t care, but this graphic is interesting) which I am sure will gladly help you part from your parent's money. These tour dates also happen to coincide with the scheduled release (March 20th) of OF Tape Vol.2, the follow-up to their self-titled 2008 mixtape, and the premiere of the groups live-action Adult Swim show Loiter Squad (March 25th). In fact, according to Adult Swim, every stop on the tour will feature a sneak-peak at the premiere for those of you who can’t wait for its television debut.

That’s not all kids! Some of your favorite members of Odd Future are even releasing solo albums this year (joy!). The leader of the Wolf Gang himself, Tyler The Creator, is set to drop his sophomore solo record this May, while the duo of Hodgy Beats and Left Brain (also known as Mellowhype) is planning a late summer release for the followup to 2011’s Blackenedwhite. All of these irons in the fire will insure that Odd Future remains a vital part of the music conversation in 2012 which, I am sure, must please some of you, though I have a difficult time understanding why. There. I have informed you about your heroes, and I hope that makes you feel better... I know I do, my fever’s even starting to break (huzzah).

Reviews:

Fallen Empires - Snow Patrol

Fallen Empires is the sound of a band frantically trying to be everything that has been somewhat successful over the past decade, while not doing any of it particularly well. In truth, this album exists in the gray desolate plane of artistic purgatory known as mediocrity which, while always an unenviable circumstance, is made so much worse when you can hear the band trying so hard... [Full Reivew]

Attack On Memory - Cloud Nothings

Attack On Memory is a lean eight track, 34 minute salvo of arty pop-punk which channels an energy both propulsive and immediate, all while maintaining the era’s prerequisite amount of acerbity. You need to go out now, and get this record. Oh, and do yourself a favor, listen to it through some headphones, while doing something really fast, like riding a bike or running from something... [Full Review]

16th Notes:

I can't wait for the memes.

Radiohead has contributed an astounding fourteen tracks from their back catalog to the documentary film The Island President, which chronicles the struggles of Maldives President Mohamed Nasheed as he fought to have his voice heard in the climate change debate and keep his country from being swallowed by the surrounding ocean. If Radiohead feels so strongly about a film, then we all should... While hanging out (and being awesome) at the Sundance Film Festival this week, Drake told VH1 news that he would love to play President Obama in a bio-pic (though to be clear, there is nothing in the works as of this Clef Notes). I can see it now- in fact, I am already on line for this movie... According to numerous reports, Fiona Apple will be releasing her first new album in six years sometime in 2012. I’ve actually always been a Fiona Apple fan, and I’m looking forward to this record, so let’s skip the joke... ABBA is set to release their first new song in 18 years on the reissue of their 1981 album The Visitor. Somewhere your mom is totally losing her shit... The US Postal Service announced that they will be releasing a commemorative Miles Davis stamp in the near future. I was going to write some line about how those stamps would be the coolest thing you licked all year but, let’s face it, no one sends letters anymore... St. Vincent has announced tour dates for the coming months. You owe it to yourself to see her in person, hear her music, and fall in love... Benji and Joel Madden (formerly of Good Charlotte, lolz) introduced their new band The Madden Brothers to the world this week. If you support this project in any way, the music fairy will creep into your house in the middle of the night and steal your ears... Steven Tyler got a lot of criticism thrown his way this week because he sang the National Anthem exactly like you would expect Steven Tyler to. I don’t really get the issue here. Did anyone expect the man to come out and be Pavarotti?... The oft-maligned musical atrocity that we all know as Nickelback took to Twitter this week in an effort to reply (at times rather scathingly) to some of their haters on the popular social network. I think the Canadian crap-group just needs to realize that we would all leave them alone if they just went away... Um... Miley Cyrus was really excited by a giant penis cake which was presented to her during her 19th birthday party. At least she is a mature adult these days... Before you go any further, you have to check out the teaser-clip for the upcoming Die Antwoord record Ten$ion. Trust me, it’s more disturbing than you are imagining...

Top Ten List:

I really wanted to do a Top Ten List of Mike Patton songs, because today is his birthday. For over a decade I have been a fan of the absurdly talented singer and multi-instrumentalist throughout the litany of his bands and musical projects (Mr. Bungle is AMAZING), but Eddie Van Halen was born yesterday, and that Dutch six-string virtuoso is one of the greatest musicians to ever live.

Born in 1957, Eddie Van Halen often tells a story about how his teenage friends would try to get him to hang-out, drink, and engage in the recklessness of youth. Each time, he would decline the invitation and sit on his bed with headphones on while playing scales and wood-shedding endlessly. I don’t know what the fate of his friends were, but I am pretty sure they won’t be on the Mount Rushmore of guitar playing. Here now are the ten best Van Halen songs.

10) Mean Streets
9) Right Now
8) Spanish Fly
7) Hot For Teacher
6) Jump
5) Runnin’ With The Devil
4) Unchained
3) Panama
2) Ain’t Talking About Love
1) Eruption

Track Of The Week:

Hands On The Wheel - School Boy Q (Ft. A$AP Rocky): The frontal lobe is an extremely important part of the human brain which governs decision making, problem solving, and the control of purposeful behavior. Every now and again some of us use this division of the cerebral cortex to raise a bottle, or other intoxicating agent, in an effort to (as the song Piano Man says) forget about life for a while. Well, School Boy Q and A$AP Rocky are obviously the kind of gentlemen who engage in such practices to a degree that would leave your average person comatose. School Boy’s latest single, Hands On The Wheel, off his upcoming record Habits & Contradictions, is the type of ode to getting faced (or “abducted” as the kids say these days) that I’m sure some out there would consider heedless... but I consider a track of the week. I hope that you enjoy the cut but, please, listen responsibly.

Fallen Empires - Snow Patrol

Quick, answer this question honestly: Do you know anyone who actually likes Snow Patrol? If you answered yes here are some follow-ups: Are you British? Does said Snow Patrol fan generally have boring taste in music? Furthermore, are you sure this alleged fan is still even into Snow Patrol? After all, you haven't bothered calling in a while, and you did un-friend them on Facebook, right? Yeah. For all you know, your Snow Patrol-loving former-friend has seen the error of their ways and has put that ugly part of their past behind them. Who knows, they might even like cool bands, like (insert your favorite band, which I would probably judge, here)! You should try reconnecting; after all, most of us are guilty of liking at least one Snow Patrol song.

Snow Patrol was one of those bands which rose to prominence back in the early part of the century on the strength of their accents, the fact that they played guitars like guitars, and (somewhat) catchy (over-played) tunes like Spitting Games. There is a good chance you’ve heard their songs in the back of commercials, television shows, or video-games, and nodded your head along with it before it was forgotten. To put it simply, Snow Patrol is the kind of interchangeable band that makes Coldplay look like Pink Floyd. Well, anyway, the Scottish sextet is back (do they really need six dudes in this band?) and like most fading groups from the time before now, they're desperately trying to hold on to relevance, in an overall unbecoming way.

Fallen Empires is the sound of a band frantically trying to be everything that has been somewhat successful over the past decade, while not doing any of it particularly well. Sure, the voice of Gary Lightbody is still front and center; he sounds as Scottish and emotive as ever, but good pipes does not a good song make. As long as I am being rationally objective I would even admit that these songs are produced exquisitely, with all of the slickness and gloss you would expect from a signed band with some hit singles under their belt. But, good production also does not a good song make. The thing is, these songs aren’t even all that bad - they're just not all that good, either. In truth, this album exists in the gray desolate plane of artistic purgatory known as mediocrity which, while always an unenviable circumstance, is made so much worse when you can hear the band trying so hard.

This record is hamstrung by its own uninspired triteness. Take a song like This Isn’t Everything You Are, which is an obvious attempt at writing an anthem (to be played in arenas!) complete with string section, sing-along chorus, and choir outro. All the elements that a song of such a grand nature would need are in place... except for the spark, the soul, and the feeling. This complaint can be levied about every second of audio on Fallen Empire; whether it be an ode to New York City which comes off as cliche, numerous songs about relationships which come off as unneeded and banal, or down-tempo numbers about getting older, there is a not one revelatory moment on this record.

Unlike the aforementioned Coldplay, Snow Patrol has not amassed a legion of fans that will support them through whatever twists and turns their career takes. Instead, they will continue to be that band people only admit to liking during moments of intense inebriation and in the strictest of confidences.

Attack On Memory - Cloud Nothings

Ever since I started writing reviews of new albums in 2012 ( which, admittedly, has not been too long... oh, and Happy Year Of The Dragon everyone!), I began to consider how long it would take before a truly great record made its way to our ears. Being completely aware of the typically slow roll-out which accompanies the music industry's first month, I thought that I would easily have to wait until February before there was an album worth championing (Sleigh Bells maybe?). Fortunately for us all, I was wrong. Cloud Nothings’ Attack On Memory kills and absolutely saved the day/month.

Like a lot of other good but not quite great records, Cloud Nothings’ self-titled 2011 release made enough of a splash for them to be considered “artists with potential” within the ever changing indie-scene. At that point in their story, Cloud Nothings was just the bedroom solo project of one Dylan Baldi and possessed the expected restraint that accompanies all lo-fi, low-budget works. These days, Cloud Nothings is a full band with a vibrant rhythm section and a more dynamic spirit who have, frankly, released an album which exceeds most expectations.

Attack On Memory is a lean eight track, 34 minute salvo of arty pop-punk which channels an energy both propulsive and immediate, all while maintaining the era’s prerequisite amount of acerbity. The album’s opening track, No Future/No Past (yes, I know it sounds like a Pixies song), pulls double duty splendidly, as it casts off the sound of the band’s previous efforts while introducing their new, broader, more adventurous, sonic exploits. Baldi himself seems like a liberated artist within Cloud Nothings' new parameters, and spreads his wings in a fashion which brings his songwriting and vocal performances to new heights. It does not take very long for your ears to reap the rewards of Cloud Nothings' bolder incarnation. The album's great opener is followed by Wasted Days, a nine-minute gem of post-apocalyptic, psychedelic freak-out that has already carved out a safe-spot as one of the best songs of 2012. Once you have finished thoroughly enjoying Attack On Memory's awesome first two tracks, the rest of the record totally flies by as blast after blast of truly vivid music zooms through your head, coalescing in the form of tracks like Stay Useless, Our Plans, Cut You, and the bombastic instrumental Separation.

It is worth noting that the immortal Steve Albini engineered this record (he hates the term producer), and his presence  unquestionably contributes to the album's considerable merits. Albini’s trademark drum sound and spacious mix really help the music breathe, providing a clarity to the proceedings that conveys urgency. This comes as no surprise; although the man is by and large considered to be a misanthrope, he sure can "engineer" the hell out of a record.

I don’t think I have to go much further with this, do I? Go, now, get Attack On Memory. Oh, and do yourself a favor, listen to it through some headphones, while doing something really fast, like riding a bike or running from something.

News:

Scary stuff.

Al Gore would be so pissed: Every now and again I decide to get a little political, as a vain attempt to inform and not be too sanctimonious. More often than not I try to maintain some sort of musical connection to the topic at hand, and in this particular case, where there is such a correlation, the issue is much bigger than music. As I am sure most of you learned this week via the Facebook pages of your friends, many high profile Internet companies staged virtual protests in an effort to raise awareness of two bills currently making their way through Capitol Hill: the Stop Online Piracy Act (or SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA).

It should come as no surprise that these bills are backed by the nefarious likes of the Recording Industry Association of America, the Motion Picture Association of America, and a multitude of media companies including Newscorp, because online piracy reportedly costs these industries over 100 billion dollars each year. Now I am sure some of you out there are thinking: “Dude, but I, like, torrent everything, brah!”, to which I can only say, “I feel ya, man.” The thing is, these bills are written in such vague and draconian language that they threaten the intellectual and civil liberties of the entire American Internet community.

There are a multitude of smarter and more eloquent people than I who have already written some profound words about the hazard these bills pose to the very fabric of the Internet, but allow me to put it in a nutshell for you. These bills would give the government abilities to censor and control the Internet in ways that are far beyond limiting your access to the Pirate Bay. In truth, these bills would be able to curtail free expression online, and close the channels of information and idea exchange that have made the Internet the most vital and important invention of our time. To paraphrase The New York Times, the language in these bills was written by industry insiders with a vested interest in attaining as broad control as possible, and not with the aid of those in the tech sector who would have brought a broader view of their possible consequences, and provided forward-thinking for what is obviously a very complex and modern issue.

Be ready to see a lot of this.

The Obama administration has already responded to the public outcry, as well as the online petition that netted more than seven million signatures this week, by releasing these statements: "While we believe that online piracy by foreign websites is a serious problem that requires a serious legislative response, we will not support legislation that reduces freedom of expression, increases cybersecurity risk, or undermines the dynamic, innovative global Internet," and, "Any effort to combat online piracy must guard against the risk of online censorship of lawful activity, and must not inhibit innovation." The Senate is scheduled to vote on PIPA on January 24th, and SOPA is set to be debated by the House of Representatives in February. Let’s hope that Culture Blues, and all your other favorite web sites, still exist in their natural unedited glory when all is said and done.

Only Madonna is capable of winning an award and planning malfeasance at the same time.

Girl Fights!: We’re not even a full month into 2012 and it already appears that this year will, unfortunately, belong to Madonna. The material-granny (I know that Lourdes doesn't have a child yet, nor is she pregnant, but I want to be the first person online to give Madonna that title) has some massive plans for the upcoming months, with Super Bowl half-time performances, a new album, a film she directed, and a world tour all on the horizon, and she has already managed to get her name in the news, and into this edition of Clef Notes.

In an upcoming interview with Newsweek (which I can only assume is part of the first phase of her world domination plan), Madonna finally shared her predictably catty opinion about last year’s Lady Gaga hit (I guess it was a hit?) Born This Way, a song that EVERYONE has already destroyed for its similarities to the Madonna classic Express Yourself. When asked about the song directly, Madonna replied: "I thought, 'this is a wonderful way to redo my song. I mean, I recognized the chord changes. I thought it was… interesting'". BURN!!! The shots at Lady Gaga did not stop there; in a recent interview with ABC news, Madonna had this to say about Momma Monster “I certainly think she references me a lot in her work. And sometimes I think it's amusing and flattering and well-done. When I heard (Born This Way) on the radio... I said, 'That sounds very familiar...' It felt reductive." OUCH!!!

Ding ding ding!

Of course, Madonna’s 2012 Queen of Mean campaign hasn’t just been limited to print media, and news outlets. Those of you who were watching the Golden Globes last weekend (WHORE HORSE FTW!) witnessed Madge being a total B to Elton John in the less-than-gracious acceptance speech she delivered after winning the award for Best Original Song. In reference to John, Madonna said: "I hope he speaks to me for the next million years. He'll win another award, though, so I don't feel bad." To be fair, this comment may have come as a response to the barb that Elton levied toward Madonna on the red carpet before the ceremony wherein he proclaimed Madonna "doesn't have a chance in hell" of winning said award.

As you can imagine, Madonna’s behavior has caused some significant fallout. On the Lady Gaga front, her inestimable number of Internet devotees have responded to Madonna’s comments with numerous Youtube rants, blog ramblings, and public hissy-fits, but such nonsense means little to me. On the Elton John front, the most entertaining response came from John’s husband, David Furnish, who took to Facebook and posted this gem on his wall "Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!!" He went on to share a subsequent post which read: "Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in its narcissism. And her criticism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is." Furnish has since apologized.

Like I mentioned earlier, all of this acrimony has come within the first wave of Madonna’s 2012 plans, and I can’t wait to see what insanity emerges as her album’s release date edges closer. More feuds? More narcissism? A new controversy? Anything can and probably will happen. As long as it’s not a sex-tape. No one wants to see that.

Reviews:

Let's Go Eat The Factory - Guided By Voices

Let’s Go Eat The Factory is exactly what you would expect from a record by the original Guided By Voices lineup, by which I mean 21 lo-fi songs clocking in at under 42 minutes. There are definitely instances when this record pulls on the strings of nostalgia sweetly enough for you to bob your head and smile as you remember what it was like back then. At other times, the record makes you furrow your brow as you try to come to terms with exactly why you don’t appreciate a particular vocal or guitar line’s blatant attempt at sentimentality... [Full Review]

Purple Naked Ladies - The Internet

The Internet is comprised of Syd The Kid (who usually DJ’s for Odd Future in concert and, from what I hear, is an integral part of their beat-making process), and her OF cohort Matt Martian. Their debut “record” (more like a mix tape, really) is a (believe it or not) neo-soul album with heavy modern-jazz influences. Purple Naked Ladies sounds unforgivably amateurish and has no real discernible place in the Odd Future catalogue... [Full Review]

16th Notes:

The most "down" dude you will ever meet.

Odd Future will be releasing its second album as a full-fledged collective on March 20th. Expect an unimpressed review March 21st... Bill O’Reilly called himself “a brother” on his Fox News show this week because he (or maybe the producers in his ear) was able to tell the difference between Ice-T and Ice Cube. I can see what he means; being able to tell two completely different, famous, black people apart essentially makes anyone black... In a recent interview with Vogue magazine, Taylor Swift revealed that her next album will be about (surprise!) “Crash and Burn Heartbreak.” I wonder if she would have anything to write about were she to stop “slutting it up” (allegedly)... In other interview news, Die Antwoord recently told Spin magazine that their dream collaboration would be with none other than Celine Dion. That’s right,  not another emcee, or rap group, but Canada’s most famous diva. This pairing must happen, the world needs it... Fred Durst is engaging in a 60 day juice fast and, of course, is blogging about the whole experience. Hey, anything is better than him making music, right?... The people over at Mental Floss published a list of the numerous cats who John Lennon owned over the course of his life. It makes me deliriously happy that Lennon was a cat enthusiast, because I now have something in common with one of The Beatles... Though I know many of you are ecstatic about the At The Drive In reunion (me, not so much), it should be pointed out that a new Mars Volta record will be dropping this March. It’s roughly about zombie-supervillians, and the boy lover of the Greek God Apollo; you know, your average Mars Volta record... Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul hacked the twitter accounts of No Doubt, Nicole Scherzinger (she was a Pussy Cat Doll), and Rise Against in order to post fake-tweets supporting their candidate and asking for campaign donations. One question: Does anyone really give a fuck who a Pussy Cat Doll endorses for President?.. Axl Rose got all “responsible” this week by doing the whole jury duty thing. God, could you imagine sitting in a jury box next to Axl Rose for four days? (Priceless!)..

Top Twenty List:

Long before she was old and scary, Madonna was the world’s biggest pop star- actually, scratch that- star. I’ve been fairly derisive of her, but the truth is, I have a great deal of respect for what she has accomplished over the course of her legendary career. One would be hard pressed to find a solo artist who has sold more units, and influenced more peers, all while being both a cultural phenomenon and extremely polarizing. Here are Madonna’s twenty best songs of all time.

20) Justify My Love
19) Who’s That Girl
18) Beautiful Stranger
17) Lucky Star
16) True Blue
15) Papa Don’t Preach
14) Don’t Tell Me
13) Borderline
12) Music
11) Open Your Heart
10) Get Into The Groove
9) Cherish
8) Holiday
7) Hung Up
6) Material Girl
5) Like A Virgin
4) Like A Prayer
3) Ray Of Light
2) Express Yourself
1) Vogue

Tracks Of The Week:

Liquorice & Needsumluv - Azealia Banks: I can’t think of a faster-rising star than that of Harlem rapper Azealia Banks. Since she dropped her ridiculously great debut single, 212, last year, Ms. Banks (who recently signed to Universal) has been garnering buzz and acclaim in abundance, and has the streets from here to London clamoring for her first LP to drop. This week I have decided to treat you all to 2 of Banks’ recent singles, Liquorice and Needsumluv, both of which are very solid cuts that show off slightly different sides of the twenty year old’s considerable talents. So far practically everything that Banks has released has been noteworthy, which bodes extremely well for both the prospects of her upcoming record, and her burgeoning legion of fans.

Let's Go Eat The Factory - Guided By Voices

The first time I heard Guided By Voices I was laying on the floor of my friend's dormroom at a boarding school in Ithaca, New York. As the summer sun flowed through the window and lit the smoke-filled, Boris Vallejo covered living space my mind exploded with questions, leaving me in a stunned silence. How could something sound so poor, yet be so great? Where were all of these hooks coming from? Are these guys really almost forty? Why aren’t all paintings comprised of fantasy landscapes and nude wom- sorry, that was obviously about Vallejo.

Even as a young man, still years away from becoming the oracle of music that writes for you this day, I could tell that there was something special about Guided By Voices. Amidst the crackle and hiss of albums like Alien Lanes and the beyond incredible Bee Thousand, there was an effortless genius which manifested itself in lightning-quick blasts of indie-pop perfection. The Guided By Voices of the early and mid-nineties was as good and relevant as almost any another band from that same period who managed to outsell them and play massive arenas.

The thing is... that was a long time ago.

Much like the world, Guided By Voices did not fare too well during the Bush administration (Bush the second, in this case). By the turn of the century the lineup had undergone extensive (and unnecessary) overhauling. Robert Pollard had rescaled his ambitions and decided he wanted to chase the dragon, which ultimately led to the band and its legacy diminishing somewhat. Which brings us to the present, or to be more specific, 2012, and the not-at-all surprising reunion of the original Guided By Voices lineup. In an era where most bands spend 500 days a year on tour because it’s the only real way to earn a living in music, the Guided By Voices reunion is as predictable as Pavement’s, At The Drive In’s, or the inevitable LCD Soundsystem. Unlike Pavement, and most other reunion cash grabs, Guided By Voices has actually released new music in the form of their latest LP, Let’s Go Eat The Factory, the best Guided By Voices record to come out all century... Whatever that means.

Let’s Go Eat The Factory is exactly what you would expect from a record by the original Guided By Voices lineup, by which I mean 21 lo-fi songs clocking in at under 42 minutes. There are definitely instances when this record pulls on the strings of nostalgia sweetly enough for you to bob your head and smile as you remember what it was like back then. At other times, the record makes you furrow your brow as you try to come to terms with exactly why you don’t appreciate a particular vocal or guitar line’s blatant attempt at sentimentality. It’s almost like your mind would prefer if the record was good because of its own merits, not because the band would like to remind you of how good they once were.

This record does possess a couple of charming moments, and it would be wrong of me to not give out credit where it is due. Songs like Doughnut For A Snowman and The Unsinkable Fats Domino manage to find their place among some of the better memories you have of this band. So does Chocolate Boy to an extent, although there is a slight touch of triteness to it. Let’s Go Eat The Factory’s best moment is without question Waves, a track which manages to channel all the proper energies of the band without the faintest trace of cliche or pandering.

I suppose it’s pretty simple to determine whether or not you as a music fan will like this record. Do you spend most of your days reminiscing and longing for fashion that has long since been forgotten? If so, you should head on over to your local Tower Records, because you will be spinning this in your Discman nonstop. Everyone else can pass, not because this is a bad record, but because we’ve heard better, especially from Guided By Voices.

Purple Naked Ladies - The Internet

It may sound silly, but I kind of had a lot of eggs in this album’s basket. As a person who has obsessed over most things Odd Future (from a critical perspective, I assure you), I was dying to hear what their only female member, who is also openly gay, had to contribute to the band’s discourse. Syd The Kid’s release, Purple Naked Ladies, could have been a watershed moment for Odd Future, a chance for them to show the world that they are more than a bunch of immature rabble-rousers (minus Frank Ocean, whose work is actually better than decent). She could have put a new spin on the group’s overwhelming messages of hate and intolerance, providing the world at large with a different perspective of the band and their various “platforms.” Unfortunately, Syd The Kid didn’t do any of the things I  hoped she would do. All we got is yet another mediocre and uninspired Odd Future release.

The Internet is comprised of the aforementioned Syd (who usually DJ’s for Odd Future in concert and, from what I hear, is an integral part of their beat-making process), and her OF cohort Matt Martian. Their debut “record” (more like a mix tape, really) is a (believe it or not) neo-soul album with heavy modern-jazz influences. The album sounds unforgivably amateurish and has no real discernible place in the Odd Future catalogue. Sure, there are numerous allusions to drug-use and some scant glorification of violence, but in all honesty this album features a bevy of tracks that you would expect people like Tyler, The Creator to mock mercilessly. Sonically, this record tries SO HARD to be The Weeknd’s House Of Balloons that it’s both unbecoming and laughable. Half-way through any given song will warp and stretch into the kind of hazy patois that has made The Weeknd so popular. You can clearly hear the plagiarism cogs turning on nearly every track.

The most disappointing/important aspect of Purple Naked Ladies is that Syd The Kid says absolutely nothing over the course of this entire record. She goes on about the girls she likes, the fantasies she has, and all manner of things which don’t matter (or, frankly, which no one cares about), but she never delivers a single thought provoking, enlightening, or imaginative statement. You would figure that some of the Odd Future manifesto would be exposed to us with every subsequent release, but instead it's beginning to appear that all of this Odd Future nonsense is little more than branding.

This is usually the part of my review where I recommend some tracks, but for this record, such a task is pretty close to impossible. There is certainly nothing to highlight about the woozy and rudimentary instrumental sections which pop up far too often. If you are going to open up your record with an instrumental it should have something more going for it than the sparse and banal Violet Nude Women. There is also nothing good to say about a song like Ode To A Dream, which starts off like a SWV or Color Me Badd rejected b-side, before the inevitable Weeknd malaise sets in. I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

I kind of feel like this record is a scam being employed by Odd Future on all of us. A sort of affirmative action-based “look, we have a female and a homosexual in our little rap group and we even let her put out an album” move, made in order to mollify people who have demonized them. I would also like to point out that it seems a little convenient that their lone female is also their lone homosexual. I would have a hard time believing they would be so accepting of a gay male in their little club, or a heterosexual woman with even the slightest whiff of feminism and gender pride about her. Whatever, I am straying from the point. This record is awful... just awful.

2012 Predictions:

Jeff was a good sport during this photo shoot.

Since this is the first Clef Notes I have written in the Year of the Space Jaguar (check your calendars), I think it would be completely appropriate for me to peer into what’s left of the future and provide you all with some ludicrous predictions for the upcoming year. Just to be clear, dear readers, this is only for entertainment purposes. If most of them are wrong (which they probably will be) well, whatever... but if any of them are right, I expect unending praise for my soothsaying abilities.

1) Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby will have her own record label, clothing line, vodka and NBA franchise before Christmas.

2) The Van Halen reunion will be cut short when Eddie Van Halen realizes that no amount of money can make him tolerate David Lee Roth for extended periods of time.

3) Kanye West will spend a prolonged period of time in a hospital, for what his people will claim is “exhaustion.” He'll actually be battling an addiction to opulence, which by that point has him resorting to smoking moon rocks, snorting faberge egg dust, and covering his body in the skins of animals the public doesn’t even know exist.

4) Justin Bieber will slowly begin the evolution that will result in him losing his boyish/elfin good looks. If you think such a thing can never come to pass, I have three words for you: Haley Joel Osment.

5) After we achieve first-contact, Lady Gaga will become humanity’s first ambassador to the aliens whom we form an uneasy alliance with. Even they think that she dresses weird.

6) Radiohead will play a concert. I will be there. Sobbing will ensue.

7) John Mayer and Lana Del Rey will start dating. As a result, innumerable music journalists around the world will be committed.

8) The new Animal Collective record will not be as well received by the proletariat as Merriweather Post Pavilion was. This will be great news for the band and their super-fans, but also a total bummer for the frat-dudes who were waiting for the sequel to My Girls.

9) The upcoming Rick Rubin-produced Black Sabbath record will be better than anyone could have anticipated and lead to a tour that will be worse than anyone could have feared.

10) As her career begins to lose steam, Miley Cyrus will pose nude in Playboy magazine. Such desperation on behalf of Cyrus will shock no one, but we will all be disgusted when we learn that Billy Ray was behind the camera.

11) Rick Ross will go to Europe to undergo some experimental medical procedures in order to remedy his various health woes. He will come back as some kind of post-human who will merit the Teflon Don moniker.

12) After returning to No Doubt, Gwen Steffani will realize why she began her solo career in the first place and phone in the rest of her commitments, before never returning her former “bandmates” phone calls again.

13) The Black Keys will be on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and I will shrug. Wait a second... This one has already happened.

14) The Gallagher brothers will get into their 435th fist fight backstage at Glastonbury, and when it is all said and done, Oasis will be back together.

15) Dr. Dre will not release Detox.

16) After breaking up with John Mayer, Lana Del Rey will incite a riot at New York City's Terminal 5. In the melee, water will accidentally be spilled on  her and much to the delight of every blogger who has ever written a scathing article about her, she will start melting. I realize that I gave Lana two predictions, but you have to understand, she is going to have a monster year.

17) Madonna will drop her new record, reinvent herself for the gajillionth time and will once again inspire middle-aged women to unwarranted sluttiness. What comes after cougars? Sabretooths maybe?

18) Outkast will return and immediately be the biggest thing in hip-hop. This will not help Kanye get over his aforementioned issues.

19) Courntey Love will release her memoir. We will all learn that she wrote Stairway To Heaven, made Michael Jackson’s red Thriller jacket, gave birth to Justin Bieber, and was the first person to ever breathe.

20) The Rolling Stones will shatter all possible records with their 50th Anniversary tour, and that will make Bono so angry that he will actually take off his sunglasses in disgust.

Upcoming Winter Releases:

Those are some fancy looking coasters.

Now that the year is in full swing, and I have gotten my nonsensical predictions out of the way, it’s time to get a bit more realistic and consider some of the upcoming records which will be dropping before spring arrives with its reprieve. Here is a quick look at the hotly anticipated albums making their way to your iPods soon enough.

January: Ani Difranco: Which Side Are You On? (1/17), The Internet: Purple Naked Ladies (1/17), Juvenile: Rejuvination (1/17), Gonjasufi: MU.ZZ.LE (1/23), Cloud Nothings: Attack On Memory (1/24), Foxy Shazam: The Church Of Rock n’ Roll (1/24), Lamb Of God: Resolution (1/24), Lana Del Ray: Born 2 Die (1/31), Leonard Cohen: Old Ideas (1/31)

February: Goldfrapp: The Singles (2/6), Air: Le Voyage Dans La Lune (2/7), Die Antwoord: TEN$ION (2/7), Dr. Dog: Be The Void (2/7), Of Montreal: Paralytic Stalks (2/7), Van Halen: A Different Kind Of Truth (2/7), Earth: Angels Of Darkness, Demons Of Light (2/14), Nicki Minaj: Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded (2/14), Tennis: Young and Old (2/14), No Age: Collage Culture:Examining the 21st Century’s Identity Crisis (2/21), Sleigh Bells: Reign Of Terror (2/21), Mouse On Mars: Parastrophics (2/28),

March: Andrew Bird: Break It Yourself (3/6), Kaiser Chiefs: Start The Revolution With Me (3/6), The Magnetic Fields: Love At The Bottom Of The Sea (3/6), Spiritualized: Sweet Heart, Sweet Light (3/19), Lee Ronaldo: Between The Times & The Tides (3/20), Paul Weller: Sonik Kicks (3/27),

Also Due In Winter Of 2012: Cat Power: TBA, Marilyn Manson: Born Villain, The Shins: Port Of Morrow, Ting Tings: Sounds From Nowheresville, The Weeknd: Mixtape Trilogy, The xx: TBA,

16th Notes:

Blue Ivy Carter's room is located in a Disney movie.

As everyone alive already knows, Beyonce gave birth last weekend. Proud papa Jay-Z commemorated the event by releasing a track dedicated to his new daughter. I have never been more jealous of a person who can’t read or feed themselves in my entire life... Kanye West went on an absurd twitter rant last week where, among other things, he quoted Da Vinci, discussed his possible involvement in the upcoming Jetsons movie, and claimed that he hasn’t bought a car or piece of jewelry in two years. This is the first chink in his sanity’s armor. Don’t say I didn’t warn you... Lil Wayne is reportedly releasing a memoir he wrote during his most recent prison sentence, but you will have to wait until November to read it. When did the man have time to write a memoir between all of that Uno playing?... The Velvet Underground are suing The Andy Warhol Foundation For The Visual Arts for allegedly using the iconic Banana image from the cover of The Velvet Underground & Nico on Apple accessories without their permission. I suspect this is all a result of the bad mood Lou Reed has to be in after the whole Lulu thing... A very entertaining 9 minute time-lapse video of Animal Collective recording Strawberry Jam has made its way to the Internet. I kind of think it sounds like a Peacebone remix... LCD Soundsystem has revealed a trailer for their upcoming documentary, Shut Up And Play The Hits, which tells the story of the band's last few weeks of existence. Every time I watch it, I tear up a little... Ariel Pink recently let the world know that he is working on two albums for 2012 as well as a werewolf movie. Look, I am a fan of Ariel Pink’s music, but honestly I’m more intrigued by the bizarre prospects of that movie... Big K.R.I.T has announced a release date (February 20th) for his upcoming mixtape 4Eva & a Day. Can’t wait!... Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks have announced North American tour dates. If you squint your eyes and ears, you might be able to pretend it’s Pavement... Cameron Crowe has enlisted Sigur Ros’ Jonsi to score his upcoming film. I guess Trent Reznor was busy... Jack White recently made an appearance on the History Channel TV show American Pickers, wherein he bought a dead elephant head. I can’t believe we lined this guy’s pockets so he could stop making quality music and fucking buy a dead elephant head... At The Drive In has reunited. No matter what you think, they weren’t, aren’t, and wont be better than Mars Volta.

Top Twenty List:

I often find myself scratching my head when it comes to putting together these lists for Clef Notes (to be fair, I have made more than 60), mainly because some weeks don’t provide me with the proper person or occasion to honor. This week didn’t provide me with such issues because, unbelievably,the thin white Duke became a senior citizen. David Bowie is the type of exceptionally special artist that defies definition or categorization. The world will never again see the likes of his greatness, but luckily we managed to catch a glimpse. I give you the Top Twenty David Bowie songs of all time.

20) Ashes To Ashes
19) Station To Station
18) Bombers
17) Young Americans
16) Watch That Man
15) Five Years
14) Hang Onto Yourself
13) Sound And Vision
12) Drive In Saturday
11) Starman
10) Oh! You Pretty Things
9) All The Young Dudes
8) The Jean Genie
7) Rebel Rebel
6) Changes
5) Ziggy Stardust
4) Life On Mars
3) Rock N’ Roll Suicide
2) Heroes
1) Space Oddity

Track Of The Week:

Pigs - Black Dice: I saw Black Dice open for Animal Collective last summer at the Park Slope bandshell. To be honest, I wasn’t too impressed with their live show. Looking back on it, I suppose the fact that they were playing outdoors had something to do with my lack of satisfaction. The frantic, primal music of Black Dice is best experienced through headphones, and loses something in the open air. Pigs is the first single off of their upcoming LP, Mr. Impossible, and it features the same sort of intensity and madness that made the Brooklyn trio a favorite among the coolest of cool hipsters.