Today, the smoke will clear, the guns will be holstered, and we will crown a champion of The 90s Badass Tournament. If you haven’t been keeping up, catch up here:

First Round, Part 1

First Round, Part 2

Second Round

Sweet Sixteen

Elite Eight

THE FINAL FOUR

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs 4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc)

With the knowledge that McClane was still hampered by injuries from his savage beating at the hands of John Spartan in the Sweet 16, not to mention his close call with Ethan Hunt in the Elite 8, El Mariachi looked to finish this quickly and buck his own emerging trend of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. That was more McClane’s style anyway. El was somewhat surprised to see McClane show up on the roof of the 3-story Mexican saloon without a gun, but he respected the man enough not to take it for granted. The gunfighter immediately started spraying automatic gunfire across the rooftop, as McClane headed straight for the edge.

Just before leaping, McClane reached down and grabbed one end of a high-tension climbing rope. Damn! He must have picked that off Hunt after their fight. El could see the rope was tethered to a pipe on the roof. McClane had made it off the roof, but how far had he gone? The musician approached the ledge with caution, and just before he peered over, McClane sprang up from the ledge and smashed El’s knee with Lornette Mason’s retractable club. As he fell off the roof his leg became entangled in the rope.

The Mexican gunfighter came to hanging upside down a few feet from the ground. Woozy, but not defenseless, he released his sleeve guns and waited for McClane to show his face. After hearing an increasingly loud rumbling behind him, El Mariachi was able to swing his body around just in time to see the rapidly approaching windshield of the yellow taxi cab, and McClane’s look of grim determination behind it.

WINNER: John McClane, via vehicular homicide

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man)

Having downloaded a scouting report on Leon, master criminal Simon Phoenix knew he would need to find a way to draw the stealthy assassin out from the shadows. That’s why Phoenix found himself loitering at a grocery store down the block from Leon’s apartment, mean-mugging 12 year old girls.

Later, hunkered down behind his adorable hostage in the hallway of Leon’s building, Phoenix simply rang the assassin’s doorbell. Leon’s moral code left him no choice but to show himself. Grinning, Phoenix casually lined up his shot, but the little girl elbowed him just as he pulled the trigger. The bullet tore through Leon’s shoulder, knocking him to the ground. Phoenix, feeling Leon neutralized, punted away his hostage and asked Leon if he could try on “those cute little sunglasses.” Phoenix plucked the sunglasses off the wounded assassin’s face, and proceeded to pummel him. No match for Phoenix’s superior strength and speed, Leon found himself thrown around the hallway, being toyed with. Desperate, Leon used the momentum of one of Phoenix’s uppercuts to stagger back toward his apartment.

Phoenix chuckled with derision as Leon fled. Just then, the timer on the laser cannon he’d “borrowed” from the armory exhibit of the San Angeles museum chimed. Phoenix unleashed an energy blast into Leon’s apartment, disintegrating a potted plant, and turning the place to rubble. Phoenix swaggered through his destruction, kicking over debris, looking to confirm his kill.

He never checked over the doorway. From his perch above the door, Leon only needed a single shot to end Phoenix’s reign of terror.

WINNER:  Leon, via home field advantage

THE CHAMPIONSHIP

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs 3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon)

With McClane in a seriously bad way from his tough road to the Finals, and Leon always looking for a clean and efficient way to finish his victims, neither man wanted to endure a protracted battle here. Leon, wearing a bulletproof vest and armed with grenades and multiple firearms, immediately adopted the same strategy that had carried him this far and ducked into the shadows of the ship’s cargo hold. McClane, armed only with a MAC-10 he lifted from the fallen Mariachi, gave cautious pursuit. With Leon’s calculated shots missing their mark, and McClane’s probing volleys coming too close for the hitman’s comfort, Leon wondered why this cop was faring so much better than previous opponents. Shortly, McClane’s cocky playfulness provided an answer. “With those grenades jingling all over your chest, you sound like one of the fat man’s reindeer. Ho ho ho.”

Moments after ditching his vest, Leon saw an opportunity. Three precisely fired bullets tore through McClane’s shoulder and torso. The NYPD veteran’s return fire, in between screams of agony, continued until the cartridge clicked empty. Sensing victory, Leon emerged from the shadows, aimed for McClane’s head, and pulled the trigger.

He was empty.

In a moment of desperation, both men’s eyes landed on Leon’s discarded vest, and the firearm attached to it. They scrambled to the vest, and as they struggled over the firearm, McClane explained, in between brutal headbutts, how he had tricked Leon into dumping his weapons and armor. “Last mistake you’ll ever make.” The single shot echoed throughout the cavernous hold. McClane slumped to the ground. Next to him, Leon laid in a rapidly growing pool of his own blood.

Leon’s hand fell to his side, and McClane saw a small metal ring roll from it. McClane looked to the bundle of grenades fixed to the vest as Leon rolled into an open cargo crate to protect himself from the blast.

WINNER, AND CHAMPION: Leon, via the ring trick

It’s all over! Leon has overcome a kill-crazy face mutilator, Hong Kong’s finest detective, a bug-killing space grunt, twins, the present and future’s most notorious criminal, and one smart-mouthed supercop to become the Culture Blues 90s Badass Tournament Champion.

In his victory press conference, Leon mentioned something about “sleeping in a bed,”  “having roots,” and finding his “taste for life.” Glad we could help, buddy! We’re sure everything is going to turn out just fine for that dude.

Savoring his victory.

Thanks to everyone (EV-RY-ONE!) for playing and reading! We leave you with the final Leaderboard.

LEADERBOARD
(CHAMPION) Dan M (Leon, John McClane, Chan Ka Kui, Doug Quaid) – 117 pts
(2) Steve P (Leon, John McClane, Harry Tasker, El Mariachi) – 113 pts
(3) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 107 pts
(4) Nelson O (Leon, John McClane, Casey Ryback, Harry Tasker) – 99 pts
(5) Christian T (Leon, Doc Holliday, Sarah Connor, William Munny) – 88 pts
(6) Willias (Simon Phoenix, John Spartan, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 87
(7) Bitter Old Joe (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Sarah Connor, El Mariachi) – 86 pts
(8) Laurie M (Ellen Ripley, Leon, Harry Tasker, John McClane) – 85 pts
(9) Brandon T (John McClane, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 82 pts
(10) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 80 pts
Annie Wilkes Miserable Bracket Award:  Rob W (Doc Holliday, Mr. Blonde, Harry Tasker, John Smith) – 25 pts

Today, in the penultimate chapter of our 90s Badass Tournament, we find out which four competitors will advance to The Tournament's final rounds! If you've missed any of the action, you might want to catch up before reading on:

First Round, Part 1

First Round, Part 2

Second Round

Sweet Sixteen

LANGLEY REGIONAL FINALS

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs 3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc)

After absorbing an absolutely brutal beating at the hands of John Spartan in the Sweet Sixteen, John McClane looked like easy-pickings for Ethan Hunt who had made it this far relatively unscathed. Going back to the exploding gum trick, Hunt had a trap ready for McClane as soon as he entered the Chinese restaurant. Sensing danger, McClane managed to shield himself from most of the blast, but was still sent careening into the fish tank. Wearily picking himself up from the broken glass and lobster bodies, McClane found his old friend Zeus Carver there to help him to his feet. Seeing through this “high tech Hans Gruber bullshit,” McClane punched Hunt right in his rubber face. McClane tackled Hunt and, perhaps channeling the rage of blue collar workers everywhere, began to pummel him. The superior fighter, Hunt was able to shift McClane off him and into a chokehold, but not before McClane managed to loop Hunt’s own zip-cord around the secret agent’s throat. Even as Hunt tightened his grip on McClane’s neck, the fading McClane managed to slap the belt button that retracted Hunt’s line.

WINNER: John McClane, via zip-cord beheading

USS MISSOURI REGIONAL FINALS

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc)

El Mariachi had a sense of unease as he crept through mining tunnels beneath the surface of Mars. He was at a disadvantage. A disadvantage that only grew when one of the huge tunnel boring machines started creeping towards him. Realizing that his bullets just bounced off the heavy-duty construction equipment, El retreated further into the tunnels. As Quaid attempted to maneuver the drill into tighter spaces, it became wedged between the tunnel walls. Noticing that his opponent was trapped, El rolled a few grenades under the chassis, setting the vehicle ablaze. While El Mariachi was assessing the damage, Quaid came charging out of the smoke with a two-handed, industrial sized drill. El Mariachi lifted his trusty, steel-reinforced guitar case just in time to prevent being penetrated by the tool. As the drill pushed through the other side of the guitar case, the frame cracked and split, dumping the gunfighter’s cache of weapons on the ground like candy out of a piñata. With the drill stuck in the case, Quaid yanked both away from the musician and started to beat him with his own case. Having dazed his opponent, Quaid dropped the drill and moved in to pummel El. After the beating dropped El to the ground, Quaid wrapped his hands around his adversary’s throat and squeezed. With one final surge of strength, El drew his knees to his chest, and kicked with both feet, launching Quaid into the air. El rolled to his case and grabbed his twin Ruger KP90s, firing into the airborne Quaid’s chest, causing him to land on the discarded drill. With the bit protruding through his chest, Quaid mumbled something about the reactor. El grabbed his sawed-off shotgun, aimed it at the ceiling, and liberated a huge rock that landed right on Quaid’s skull.

WINNER: El Mariachi, via questionable physics

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY REGIONAL FINALS

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact)

The head-on tactics employed by competitors like The Jackal and Martin Riggs had proven futile against the superior numbers of The Wagner Twins, so Leon allowed the brothers to stew. Spider-crawling unnoticed across the ceiling, Leon watched as Alex Wagner grew increasingly impatient. And drunk. While Chad pleaded with his brother to remain calm, Alex began to trash the dimly lit warehouse, screaming at Leon to show himself. Leon did, descending from the ceiling with two well-placed silenced rounds, knee-capping both of Chad’s legs before zipping back into the shadows. Further unnerved by the screams of his brother, Alex began to fire off rounds into the darkness at random. He heard something drop to the floor, but it was too light to be a body. As the grenade rolled to a stop at Alex’s feet, he briefly considered whether he could’ve been a better brother. He decided no, and used Chad’s body to shield him from the blast. Wounded and covered in the viscera of his twin, but alive, Alex again began to fire into the shadows. Leon fired back. Once.

WINNER: Leon, via brotherly love

OMEGA SECTOR REGIONAL FINALS

3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc) vs 4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man)

Not without a sense of dramatic payoff, Simon Phoenix showed up to his Elite 8 match-up with Hong Kong’s supercop Chan Ka Kui wielding the same laser-cutter device that was used to free him from his cryo-ice block. After knocking the inhibitor off the business end of the laser, the focused tool became a weapon of mass destruction. As Phoenix turned the laser on the snow-covered mountain where he and Chan met, the disruption caused a massive avalanche. Chan was forced to clumsily snowboard away from the avalanche, making it almost back to the base before being overtaken. After digging himself out, the improperly dressed and hypothermic Chan headed for the nearest building he saw, the ski lodge/aquarium. Chan was barely inside before Phoenix once again unleashed the laser’s destructive power, decimating the water tanks that surrounded the lodge. As sea creatures flooded out, Chan danced away from the laser’s beam, getting close enough to Phoenix to knock the weapon into the water, causing it to short circuit. Chan now had Phoenix right where he wanted him. As the two engaged in hand-to-hand combat, Phoenix’s hard-hitting style scored him a few blows, but ultimately even his reprogrammed hands and feet couldn’t keep up with Chan’s blinding speed. Chan was on the verge of slapping the cuffs on the out-of-time criminal, when a recently freed shark leapt out of the water and nearly swallowed him whole. Knocked off balance, Chan fell into the water and struggled to keep the shark at bay while Phoenix calmly walked away whistling. Chan vaulted some debris to separate himself from the shark, but he had his back to a wall as Phoenix walked into the nearest CompuKiosk, input the safety override code 77.7_7777, and activated the graffiti removal system, fatally electrocuting Chan along with most of the aquarium’s marine life. “Lucky number seven. Ching chong chong chi. Haha!”

WINNER: Simon Phoenix, via causing inescapable destruction

Only 4 remain standing! How do they match up heading into the last day of The Tournament?

THE FINAL FOUR

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs 4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc)

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man)

The average reader score going into the last day of The Tournament is 59 points. We want to congratulate everyone who even made an appearance on the Leaderboard. That’s an accomplishment in and of itself.

LEADERBOARD

(1) Willias (Simon Phoenix, John Spartan, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 87 pts
(2-t) Dan M (Leon, John McClane, Chan Ka Kui, Doug Quaid) – 82 pts
(2-t) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 82 pts
(3) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 80 pts
(4-t) Ross M (Harry Tasker, El Mariachi, Leon, John McClane) – 78 pts
(4-t) Steve P (Leon, John McClane, Harry Tasker, El Mariachi) – 78 pts
(5) Bitter Old Joe (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Sarah Connor, El Mariachi) – 76 pts
(6) Laurie M (Ellen Ripley, Leon, Harry Tasker, John McClane) – 75 pts
(7-t) Brandon T (John McClane, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 72 pts
(7-t) Giovanny (Ethan Hunt, Simon Phoenix, The Wagner Twins, Ellen Ripley) – 72 pts

Going into The Tournament’s final day, only 4 readers still have a legitimate shot at winning our prediction contest. We reserve the right to be wrong about that – lots of brackets, math is hard, etc. That said, here are the potential scenarios for those lucky few to still be alive.

Willias, who has clung to the top of the Leaderboard since the end of the First Round, wins as long as Simon Phoenix keeps winning. In fact, Willias has built up such an impressive lead over the field, he’ll still win even if Phoenix should lose to El Mariachi.

However, if Phoenix makes it to the finals and loses to John McClane, Brandon T will claim the prediction championship. If McClane should beat Leon in the Finals, even though Brandon T will have the glory of choosing the correct champion, he’ll lose on points to Dan M.

Dan M also wins if Leon beats John McClane in the finals. However, if Leon wins or loses against El Mariachi, Dan M and John A will tie.

Got all that? See you all tomorrow for The Tournament finale!

Can McClane prevail against all odds? Will Phoenix continue his path of destruction? Is Leon’s shadowy assassin technique too much for his opponents? Or will the dark horse El Mariachi pull off the upset victory? Tell us in the comments!

If you've missed any of the pulse-pounding Tournament action so far, you'll want to catch up before continuing:

First Round, Part 1

First Round, Part 2

Second Round

OMEGA SECTOR REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

8. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs, etc) vs 4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man)

Hannibal the Cannibal knew that Phoenix would be a tough nut to crack. He was sure that showing up wearing a thug suit made from the skin of Phoenix's henchmen would unnerve him, but Phoenix only laughed and jovially greeted his former gang members. Phoenix was similarly unfazed by the human tibia Lecter was holding and nibbling meat from. He simply asked if it tasted like chicken. Realizing that shock tactics wouldn't work with someone as deranged and damaged as Phoenix, Lecter fell back on his strength. He attempted to probe into Phoenix's mind, asking him what kind of a childhood could turn a man into such a monster, and how much of a role his inferiority complex played into his rivalry with John Spartan. Phoenix didn't respond, he just mocked the doctor by speaking gibberish in a racist approximation of Asian languages, and spewing braggadocio about his superiority in tournament combat. After Phoenix disabled the doctor with a quick spray from his MAC-11, he moved in to finish off his fellow homicidal maniac. As Lecter lost his footing and grabbed at Phoenix's chest, his fingers wrapped around thin wires. As he lay dying, looking at the earbuds in his hand, blasting rap music at an impossibly loud volume, Lecter's last thought was that he'd been outsmarted by an uncivilized psychopath.

WINNER: Simon Phoenix, via being a completely unfeeling force of merry destruction and death

2. Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) vs 3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc)

Robin Hood might have benefited from the home field advantage of Sherwood Forest, but the surroundings gave Chan Ka Kui innumerable objects to work into his defense. As Robin fired arrow after arrow at him, Chan kicked branches up to deflect them, spun around trees, and even straight up plucked some of them out of the air. Robin was eventually forced to retreat, but when it came to crossing the slippery logs of Sherwood River, the fleet-footed Chan was able to keep his balance during a series of flashy jump-kicks that sent an unconscious Robin sailing into the drink.

WINNER: Chan Ka Kui, via all-terrain agility

USS MISSOURI REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc)

After finishing an uninspired, inauthentic meal at his favorite saloon, the legendary Mexican gunfighter El Mariachi walked back to the kitchen to see who had cooked this miserable slop. The first thing he saw when he swung open the door was a kitchen knife flying at his head. El dodged the first knife, only to see his opponent Casey Ryback preparing to empty the contents of a utensil drawer in his direction. El freed his sleeve-guns and began shooting flying silverware out of the air. Out of silverware, Ryback reached down for his assault rifle and sprayed the kitchen with short controlled bursts as El ducked back into the dining room. Just as he reached his guitar case, the silent Ryback was on his back, putting the musician in a deadly choke hold. As Ryback squeezed the life out of his opponent, El struggled to open his case and desperately grabbed the first weapon he could find. El didn’t even realize it was the codpiece revolver which he’d never used before until he was holding it over his head, firing a single bullet into Ryback’s forehead.

WINNER: El Mariachi, via knowing the codpiece gun would come in handy some day

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

William Munny’s Second Round return to alcohol helped wash away the memory of all the lives he’d callously destroyed. It emboldened Munny. It also dulled his senses. When his slightly shaky hand lifted his double barrel shotgun and aimed it at Quaid, one barrel missed completely and the second tore the intergalactic freedom fighter’s shoulder apart. Able to fight through the pain, Quaid charged the aging gunfighter. As they struggled over the shotgun, they landed in an elevator just as it started to rise. Quaid wrestled the gun away from Munny, then struck the killer of women and children in the crotch, before smashing his nose with the butt of the gun. As Munny stumbled backward off the elevator, falling to his death, his last words to Quaid were “See you in hell, Houser.” Instead of celebrating his victory, and Elite 8 berth, Quaid backed up against the wall, slid to the floor, and wondered if anyone can truly be reformed, or if his sins would condemn him to the same fate as the old man.

WINNER: Quaid, via having much bigger muscles

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact)

Perhaps having taken to heart the criticism made by Tournament pundits that he “looks old,” Riggs offered the Wagner Twins a coveted “shot at the title.” All too happy to tear off their shirts and fight hand-to-hand, the twins obliged. Alex stepped up first. With Alex being more of a brawler than Chad, and thus, more Riggs’ style, the veteran scrapper was able to absorb a series of Wagner headbutts and answer back with a flurry of his own, knocking Alex out. Chad, the superior martial artist, bludgeoned Riggs with a series of karate kicks, even dislocating Riggs’ notoriously bad shoulder. Knowing his karate would be enough to handle Riggs, and being a genial sportsman, Chad allowed Riggs a moment to pop his shoulder back into place. While Riggs was doing that, Alex came to, and shot the veteran cop in the back of the head.

WINNER:  The Wagner Twins, via the lethal combination of good guy karate and bad guy gunplay

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

Fully recovered from that shotgun blast in the Second Round, Johnny Rico showed up prepared for all out war with Leon. When he found that the Leon had constructed a makeshift barricade, he scoffed at the yellow streak that ran down the back of the slippery hitman. As Leon fired a few harmless rounds from behind an overturned coffee table, Rico fired his assault rifle into the ramshackle little fort until the return fire ceased. Then he launched a rocket and a few grenades just to be sure, aware of Leon’s reputation for escaping death. As he approached the smoldering ruins to inspect his latest war trophy, he barely felt the thin rope drop over his head before it lifted him off his feet.

WINNER: Leon, via the foolhardiness of youth

LANGLEY REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs 4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air)

With victories over two martial artists, maybe Cameron Poe was feeling cocky going into his Sweet Sixteen match-up with top-seeded Ethan Hunt. Fighting on the back of a speeding train car, Poe attempted to overwhelm Hunt with the sloppy amateur karate technique he’d been getting by on the entire Tournament. It worked. Under a volley of blows, Hunt flew off the side of the train. Of course, the forward-thinking spy had attached a high-tension grappling cord to the roof of the train prior to the fight. Sailing in the air above Poe, his guns drawn, Hunt reminded his southern-fried opponent that there was more to winning Tournament matches than tight jeans and fisticuffs.

WINNER:  Ethan Hunt, via liking to jump off things at great heights and high speed

2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc)

Concerned about spectator safety, prior to the fight Tournament officials evacuated the entire San Angeles police department as well as all civilians within a six block radius. Spartan and McClane stared each other down across the empty squad room. “I’m gonna put you in a hurt locker, shithead.” “Yippie-kai-yay, mother fucker.” Catchphrases! For a moment, the room was silent except for the persistent beep of the Verbal Morality Monitor. Then, with a roid-rage bellow, Spartan flipped over a desk and charged McClane. Not inclined to meet his opponent head-on, McClane retreated, squeezing off pistol rounds over his shoulder. One of the shots caught Spartan in the thigh, but that barely slowed him down. Spartan caught up to McClane in the elevator bank, where his Beretta fire missed McClane, but weakened the steel door to one of the elevators. With McClane out of ammo, Spartan closed in, lifting his smaller opponent off his feet and sending him flying through the damaged elevator door and down the shaft.

WINNER:  John Spartan, via gravity

Spartan was about to celebrate his victory, when McClane’s distinct wounded laughter taunted him from the bottom of the shaft. The fight continued! Spartan jumped down after his bloodied opponent and continued to pummel McClane, eventually knocking him through a wall and into the building’s subbasement. McClane desperately clung to Spartan, suffering numerous blows to the back, before jamming a piece of debris into Spartan’s thigh wound. This caused Spartan to kick McClane away and, as he did, McClane grabbed Spartan’s Beretta from its holster. He fired the gun’s final rounds at Spartan but, with blood leaking into his eyes, missed. Spartan marveled at his good fortune, until he smelled the gas leak and saw McClane, smirking, fire up a cigarette. In the smoldering rubble, after the explosion, only one super-cop staggered to his feet, stuffing a wad of Verbal Morality tickets Million Dollar Man style into his dead opponent’s mouth.

WINNER:  John McClane, via being able to survive damn near anything

With the shocking Sweet 16 in the books, here's how the Elite 8 shakes out!

REGIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs 3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc)

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc)

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact)

3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc) vs 4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man)

We’re wagering a lot of brackets are busted as a result of that upset-heavy Sweet 16. Whereas the 80s Badass Tournament saw 6 of the top 8 seeds advance to the Elite Eight, the 90s have only Ethan Hunt left to represent the heavily favored top seeds.

Casey Ryback and Martin Riggs were both popular choices for champion, representing a combined 20% of reader brackets. By comparison, The Wagner Twins and El Mariachi were supported by only one reader each.

The average reader score heading into the Elite Eight is 49.

Willias is still holding onto top position on the Leaderboard, but that position might be in jeopardy with two of his Final Four predictions going down this round. Hot on his heels is Dan M, the only reader to have a fully intact Final Four going into the Elite Eight. How do you stack up?

LEADERBOARD
(1) Willias (Simon Phoenix, John Spartan, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 71 pts
(2-t) Dan M (Leon, John McClane, Chan Ka Kui, Doug Quaid) – 66 pts
(2-t) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 66 pts
(3-t) Giovanny (Ethan Hunt, Simon Phoenix, The Wagner Twins, Ellen Ripley) – 64 pts
(3-t) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 64 pts
(4) Merman (John McClane, Martin Riggs, Hannibal Lecter, Casey Ryback) – 61 pts
(5) Bitter Old Joe (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Sarah Connor, El Mariachi) – 60 pts
(6) Laurie M (Ellen Ripley, Leon, Harry Tasker, John McClane) – 59 pts
(7) Zook (Chan Ka Kui, Ethan Hunt, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 57 pts
(8-t) Christian T (Leon, Doc Holliday, Sarah Connor, William Munny) – 55 pts
(8-t) Snob (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Hannibal Lecter, William Munny) – 55 pts

Who will make it to the Final Four? Most of the Leaderboard brackets have a lot riding on the McClane/Hunt match-up. Who’s going to win, and why? Post your predictions, and your Martin Riggs eulogies, in the comments!

The second round begins below, whittling our field down to only the 16 most Badass characters of 90s cinema. If you need to catch up on the first round, you can do so here:

First Round, part 1

First Round, part 2

USS MISSOURI SECOND ROUND

4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc) vs 12. John Smith (Bruce Willis, Last Man Standing)

Tournament matchups are often studies in contrasting styles. We get to see how warriors from different disciplines and time periods stack up against each other. More rarely, two people who do the exact same thing end up battling each other, like in this second round contest. El Mariachi and Smith are both renowned gunfighters, impossibly fast, dual-wielding triggermen with a knack for dodging bullets, capable of sending their opponents flying from the mere force of their bullets. As spent shell casings covered the floor of the saloon, El Mariachi danced around his opponent while Smith traced his movements with gunfire. Finding himself out of ammo and far from his guitar case, El Mariachi asked Smith what it felt like to be a cheap imitation of the legendary Mexican gunslinger. As Smith pondered his own shadowy past, El Mariachi produced two pistols from his sleeves and gunned down the gangster.

WINNER: El Mariachi, via don’t mess with the original

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 8. Chance Boudreaux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hard Target)

The methodical Ryback’s considerable military training did not prepare him for an opponent as unpredictable and versatile as Boudreaux. This fight began as a gunfight in the ship's kitchen, with Boudreaux diving away from Ryback’s precise shooting, answering back with shotgun blasts that filled the room with stylized sparks. Unable to get a bead on Boudreaux, Ryback attempted to turn the contest into a fistfight, but again found himself outmatched by Boudreaux’s superior skill and speed. Boudreaux wailed Ryback across the face with the business end of his shotgun before cutting his legs out from under him with a pair of vicious shin kicks. It was then that the microwave beeped, detonating the homemade grenade Ryback had planted there, and blowing the exposed Boudreaux to pieces.

WINNER: Casey Ryback, via bomb hiding

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 6. Martin Blank (John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank)

Once again, Martin Blank found himself engaged in a tense shootout with an equally skilled opponent. Between blasts of gunfire that chipped away at each other’s cover, Blank and Quaid began to bond over their shared existential dilemmas and various forms of shakabuku. More skilled at slipping out of cover than his brutish opponent, Blank eventually managed to position himself behind Quaid, plugging him with a burst of bullets to the back. Blank pondered the transience of existence as what should have been Quaid’s corpse began to laugh and take aim.

WINNER:  Doug Quaid, via hologram generator

2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Alien 3, etc) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

Having heard rumors of Munny’s reformation and pacifism, Ripley figured that just because he’d gunned down that barbarian warmonger William Wallace in the first round, didn’t mean he’d turn his weapon on a woman. When she arrived for battle, Ripley offered to allow Munny to simply concede the match, avoid more bloodshed and return to a peaceful life on his pig farm. As Munny took a long swig from his bottle of whiskey, Ripley fingered the button concealed behind her back that would drop molten lead onto the gunslinger’s head. Finishing his drink, Munny told Ripley that he was getting comfortable in The Tournament. As he raised his gun and took aim, Ripley pressed the button condemning Munny to an eternity in hell. She barely had a chance to wonder why nothing happened before Munny pulled the trigger.

WINNER: William Munny, via always being lucky when it comes to killing folks

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY SECOND ROUND

1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 8. Melvin Smiley (Mark Wahlberg, The Big Hit)

Melvin Smiley showed up to do battle looking groggy. Reports suggest that he was up most of the night appeasing both his needy fiancé and his demanding mistress. Smiley perked up considerably when he was able to lose himself in his work, which today came in the form of physically abusing a well-rested Riggs that spectators couldn’t help but notice was considerably less spry than during last year’s Elite Eight run. With Riggs reeling, and Smiley on the verge of a KO victory, the kind-hearted hitman started to wonder if he was just taking all his anger and aggression out on an undeserving fellow competitor. When Smiley reached down to help Riggs up, the veteran LAPD officer locked him in his signature head scissors maneuver. Smiley was figuratively kicking himself, knowing how pissed off his fiancé and mistress would be, as he slipped into unconsciousness.

WINNER: Martin Riggs, via nice guys finish last

7. Charlie Baltimore (Geena Davis, The Long Kiss Goodnight) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

As the lowest seed to advance to the second round, one might assume that Rico is a big underdog, but after analysts got a look at his impressive high-tech arsenal in a first round victory over bureaucrat Jack Ryan, many wondered how he had every slipped to a 15 seed in the first place. The selection committee’s decision seemed justified, however, when Baltimore dealt Rico a horrific close range shotgun blast early in this fight. Rico was in horrible shape when he lobbed a plasma grenade at the already-celebrating assassin. As Rico limped out of the arena, he swore that he’d be as good as new after a few days in the medi-tank. At press time, news of Rico’s improbable Sweet 16 berth was already heating up the Federal Network. Would you like to know more?

WINNER: Johnny Rico, via surviving the horrors of war

4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact) vs 5. The Jackal (Bruce Willis, The Jackal)

Pinned down by The Jackal’s 600 round-per-minute heavy machine gun, The Wagners argued over who should pop out as a distraction. Of course, Alex bullied Chad into running out of cover, drawing The Jackal’s fire. Meanwhile, Alex snuck in the other direction, eventually coming up behind The Jackal. Alex went for a routine neck-snap, but the experienced assassin felt it coming and knocked Alex to the ground. The Jackal drew his pistol and was about to finish Alex off when, behind him, Chad commandeered the machine gun and unleashed a flurry of flesh-disintegrating rounds on its owner.

WINNER:  The Wagner Twins, via flanking

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 6. Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat, Hard Boiled)

After an awkward opening that saw both men descend from the ceiling in an attempt to surprise their opponent, this battle settled into a somewhat easy rhythm, despite the bullets flying everywhere; Tequila fired wildly in all directions while Leon calmly slipped in and out of the shadows taking careful shots at Tequila, which he always rolled, slid or jumped away from at the last possible second. With both men growing frustrated, Tequila almost didn’t notice the clanking of the grenades landing at his feet over the clatter of his own gunfire. As he sent the explosives flying back into the darkness, he certainly didn’t notice the light reflecting off a small piece of glass in the distance.

WINNER: Leon, via a sniper’s bullet

LANGLEY SECOND ROUND

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs  11. Sam (Robert De Niro, Ronin)

After outwitting the infamous Doc Holliday in the first round, it looked like Sam’s cunning strategic mind would carry him far in The Tournament. Having seen McClane tying one on at the bar the night before, Sam intended to confuse and disorient his enemy. He started by explaining to McClane that he was just an American tourist and spectator, not McClane’s mercenary foe. The veteran NYPD supercop can spot forged papers from a mile away, even expensive ones, even when he’s hungover. Not fooled by Sam’s ruse, McClane played along, allowing Sam to become more confident. Seizing the opportunity, both men drew their sidearms on each other. During the ensuing standoff, the two men bonded over their advanced age, world weariness, and the meaninglessness of it all. Sensing the conversation coming to an end, Sam pulled the trigger and sent a bullet into McClane’s shoulder… right before his brains flew out of the back of his head.

WINNER: John McClane, via John McClane knows how to handle mercenaries

2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 7. Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis, Last of the Mohicans)

In Mohican legend, John Spartan is referred to as “the great despoiler of the future” and alternately as “muscle-bound barbarian of the past.” Knowing the destructive reputation of his opponent, Hawkeye approached with caution, looking for an opportunity to pick off Spartan with a single musket shot. Spartan, bored and beginning to consider just blowing up the woods, was taken by surprise as Hawkeye’s first shot tore through his shoulder. Seeing his opponent wounded (and considering his musket would need to be repacked), Hawkeye charged forward with his tomahawk. His eyes widened as he realized The Demolition Man had some sort of magic gun that fires an infinite supply of bullets. “Guess there’s no more Mohicans,” grunted Spartan as he set to sewing up his uniform next to Hawkeye’s bullet-riddled corpse.

WINNER:  John Spartan, via superior firepower of the marauding white devil

4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air) vs 12. Lyon Gaultier (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lionheart)

Cameron Poe’s first round victory over the feisty youngster Jake Lo proved that he could handle a martial arts specialist, so Poe headed into the second round with an apparent psychological advantage despite Gaultier’s success in similar one-on-one pit fighting contests. After the two former military men complimented each other on their skin-tight jeans, they engaged in a stiff, herky-jerky hand-to-hand battle that one spectator said was like watching two 70-year olds fight blindfolded. After Poe gained the upper hand, Gaultier’s friend and minor league fight promoter Joshua told Gaultier that he put all their money on Poe. Feeling betrayed and fiscally irresponsible, Lionheart told Joshua that he’d made a big mistake, just before Poe ran him over with a commandeered motorcycle.

WINNER: Cameron Poe, via oh yeah Cameron Poe is also awesome at riding motorcycles

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs  8. Porter (Mel Gibson, Payback)

Perhaps it was the brutal beating he suffered in the first round at the hands of John Hatcher that made Porter slow to question why Val Resnick and not Ethan Hunt turned up at the appointed time of his second round match. Resnick handed the concussed Porter a briefcase of his share of the Triad heist money, explaining that he’d also taken out Hunt as a gesture of good will. Groggy but satisfied, Porter staggered away. As soon as Porter was out of sight, Hunt ripped off his rubber Resnick mask and extended the antennae on his detonator.

WINNER:  Ethan Hunt, via exploding briefcase

OMEGA SECTOR SECOND ROUND

2. Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) vs 7. Wong Fei-hung (Jet Li, Once Upon a Time in China)

These two folk heroes were lucky to meet each other in the second round, rather than an opponent with a distinct technological advantage. The Prince of Thieves put Wong on his heels early, with a long-range volley of flaming arrows that set the martial arts master’s clinic ablaze. While the fire raged around him, Wong was able to deflect Robin’s arrows and even kick some flaming debris toward the expert archer. Sensing a shift in momentum, Robin rushed in and engaged Wong with his sword. Wong’s umbrella proved little match for the heavy blade. Unarmed, and running out of options, Wong employed the shadowless kick and launched himself at Robin, who quickly sidestepped and slipped a knife into Wong’s ribcage.

WINNER: Robin of Locksley, via stabbing

3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc) vs 11. Bodhi (Patrick Swayze, Point Break)

Caught in mid bank robbery by Hong Kong’s finest cop, Bodhi found himself in the unenviable situation of trying to both win a Tournament fight and make off with his latest score. Shooting at Chan produced a series of stunts – flips over desks, running jump-slides under teller windows, etc – that the thrill-seeking Bodhi appreciated as pretty rad. When Chan managed to close the distance, he simply spun around Bodhi’s Reagan mask, blinding him, and clobbered him over the head with a bag full of money.

WINNER: Chan Ka Kui, sick moves brah

4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man) vs 5. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, etc)

Sarah Connor’s glimpse into the apocalyptic future made her fearful and paranoid, while Phoenix’s stint in a whitewashed utopia unfamiliar with violence made him a god. He strode into battle with a cocky swagger and a whole bunch of guns, while Connor came in with a single shotgun and a severely injured shoulder from a first round gunshot wound. Her one handed pumping proved to be a huge disadvantage as Phoenix quickly kneecapped her and stood over the mother of the human resistance, ready to put a bullet in her head and advance. Connor pleaded for her life, claiming that without her around there would be no one to teach John to fight the terminators. Simon responded that he thought the next century was in desperate need of more killer robots.

WINNER: Simon Phoenix, via cold-blooded execution

1. Harry Tasker (Arnold Schwarzenegger, True Lies) vs 8. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs, etc)

With rumors persisting all week that the demented Doctor Lecter intended to target his family, the obsessively cautious Tasker arranged for round-the-clock surveillance on his home. At the sounds of screaming over his earpiece, Tasker rushed from his well-fortified living room to the nondescript white van Albert was using to monitor the block. There, he found his hefty right-hand-man brutally slashed and barely breathing. Tasker glanced over the surveillance monitors, detecting no sign of Lecter. As he radioed in for chopper support and an ambulance, Albert’s body sat up, scalpel in hand.

WINNER:  Hannibal Lecter, via wearing someone else’s face

That leaves us with the following match-ups for the Sweet Sixteen:

USS MISSOURI REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc)

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact)

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

LANGLEY REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs 4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air)

2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc)

OMEGA SECTOR REGIONAL SEMIFINALS

4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man) vs 8. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs, etc)

2. Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) vs 3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc)

Going into the Sweet Sixteen, the average reader score is 38 points. So if you’re around there, consider yourself still in the mix, especially considering correct predictions are worth 4 points in the next round.

Although, if you’re one of the 20% of brackets to lose your champion, you might as well start researching badasses of the new millennium because this Tournament is over for you. Harry Tasker was the most popular choice for champion to be eliminated so far. To be honest, we’re more broken up about the implied death of Tom Arnold’s True Lies character. Moment of silence, please.

Only 23% of brackets still have their entire Final Four intact, so if you count yourself amongst that elite group, pat yourself on the back.

If you’re Leaderboard #1 Willias, maybe don’t stop at just a pat. Willias was able to break away from the pack on his absolutely unprecedented 14-of-16 Second Round performance. Congratulations, Will! Let’s see how long those Demolition Man picks continue to hold up.

LEADERBOARD
(1) Willias (Simon Phoenix, John Spartan, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 55 pts
(2) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 48 pts
(3-t) Dan M (Leon, John McClane, Chan Ka Kui, Doug Quaid) – 46 pts
(3-t) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 46 pts
(4) Merman (John McClane, Martin Riggs, Hannibal Lecter, Casey Ryback) – 45 pts
(5-t) Bitter Old Joe (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Sarah Connor, El Mariachi) – 44 pts
(5-t) Giovanny (Ethan Hunt, Simon Phoenix, The Wagner Twins, Ellen Ripley) – 44 pts
(6-t) Christian T (Leon, Doc Holliday, Sarah Connor, William Munny) – 43 pts
(6-t) Snob (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Hannibal Lecter, William Munny) – 43 pts
(7) Steve P (Leon, John McClane, Harry Tasker, El Mariachi) – 42 pts

Somebody better start talking some trash on Demolition Man or else Willias will run away with this thing! Where do you come down on the massive Spartan/McClane Sweet 16 match? What about the Phoenix/Lecter battle of the psychos? Should Johnny Rico’s improbable run continue? Tell us in the comments!

If you missed yesterday's results post, you can check that out here. Today, we're finishing off the first round! There's going to be mayhem, there's going to be bloodshed, and there's going to be controversy.

Let's get to the action!

LANGLEY FIRST ROUND

9. John Hatcher (Steven Seagal, Marked for Death) vs 8. Porter (Mel Gibson, Payback)

The story for much of this fight was Porter’s extraordinary ability to slip the noose. As soon as these two fearless competitors met, Hatcher easily sidestepped Porter’s heavy-handed attempt to punch him with a fist wrapped around a roll of coins. Hatcher was able to get his hands on Porter over and over again, working over his joints – bending, contorting, cranking. Bones were broken, blood was lost. Yet, every time he moved in for the kill, Porter escaped. Hatcher’s frustration eventually made him crack. As he paced the arena muttering to himself, Porter calmly crawled over to the Hatcher’s duffel bag of guns, pulled out a pistol, shot him in the back, and then limped back to the locker room.

WINNER: Porter, via an unbelievable threshold for pain

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs 16. Cliff Secord (Bill Campbell, The Rocketeer)

Not one to get bogged down with details, The Rocketeer failed to notice that the piece of gum used to plug the hole in his rocket-pack had mysteriously changed colors.

WINNER:  Ethan Hunt, via exploding gum

2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 15. Mickey Knox (Woody Harrelson, Natural Born Killers)

The Demolition Man is no stranger to taking down homicidal, maniacal sociopaths. Spartan's aggressive "dead or alive but probably dead" brand of law enforcement put Knox on his heels from the outset. Spartan punched Knox, threw him through windows and generally bullied him all over the battlefield. Knox, realizing that he couldn’t take Spartan in a fight, decided to grab a hostage from the audience. Knox licked the hostage’s face and launched into a lengthy diatribe about the nature of murder and media saturation in modern America. Spartan responded by shooting Knox in the mouth, spraying the frightened hostage with brain matter. Get over it, lady.

WINNER: John Spartan, via police brutality

5. John Cutter (Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57) vs 12. Lyon Gaultier (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lionheart)

John Cutter, the world's 100% most badass airline safety expert, gained an early advantage employing quick strikes and some painful restraint holds. As Gaultier saw his championship hopes fading, he thought of his sister-in-law and nephew, and how there would be no one to take care of them if he were to die, because they are a woman and a child and can’t take care of themselves. Enraged at the thought of these two people he barely knows living in poverty, Gaultier lioned up and rocked Cutter with a hard kick to the stomach. As Cutter fell to his knees, he thought of his dead wife, the woman he was failing yet again. Cutter pulled himself back to his feet just in time for Gaultier to deliver a series of locked-elbow punches that knocked the glorified flight attendant unconscious.

WINNER: Lyon Gaultier, via don’t always bet on black

4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air) vs 13. Jake Lo (Brandon Lee, Rapid Fire)

The Southern gentleman and the sarcastic college kid started their match with an uncomfortable sparring session during which both offered backhanded compliments on their opponent's style. Lo seemed to awaken something dark in Poe when he asked if Poe had learned that defensive stance from his daughter. Hair blowing carelessly in the wind, legs constricted by skin tight Wranglers, Poe screamed "Put the bunny back in the box!" before launching into a series of stiff, awkward martial arts kicks that overwhelmed his opponent, not only with their force but also with their offensively bad form. His opponent incapacitated, Poe employed the deadly palm-to-nose technique. As the promising young martial artist lay crumpled at his feet, Poe grew quiet and, with the bloodlust seemingly satiated, turned to the crowd and swore that Lo’s death was just an accident.

WINNER: Cameron Poe, via serious anger issues

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs 14. Lornette Mason (Angela Bassett, Strange Days)

There’s no real pleasure in this one for McClane, a man used to being the underdog, here taking on Lornette Mason, who many have accused of being overrated at a #14 seed. Mason gave it a go, battering McClane with her retractable club, giving the heavy Tournament favorite some bruises to take into the second round. Eventually, as he is wont to do, McClane turned the tables on Mason with a clever quip and a brutal counterstrike.

WINNER: John McClane, via knockout

7. Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis, Last of the Mohicans) vs 10. Mike Lowery (Will Smith, Bad Boys, etc)

This first round match-up got off to an unexpectedly shrill start as Lowery, already understandably frustrated at being lost in the woods, found himself arguing with partner/sidekick Marcus Burnett, who insisted on tagging along despite not being invited to The Tournament. Lowery commented, loudly, on how “this Indian dude” refused to show himself and fight, to which Burnett replied that Hawkeye is, in fact, a white dude. A high volume and exceedingly nuanced argument on race ensued, at last decided by a single, precise musket shot fired from the treeline.

WINNER:  Hawkeye, via the power of silence

6. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer, Tombstone) vs 11. Sam (Robert De Niro, Ronin)

It seemed uncharacteristically bad planning for the usually careful Sam to meet Doc Holliday in the center of town, away from cover. Holliday, wary of a trap but wanting to end this fight quickly so he could get back to drinking in bed, drew on Sam. Suddenly, shots rang out from Doc’s left! Twisting to avoid the gunfire, Doc took aim at his unseen assailant, but found no target. The poppers Sam planted before the fight had worked to perfection. A distracted Holliday made an easy target for the cagey mercenary.

WINNER:  Sam, via always having a plan

USS MISSOURI FIRST ROUND

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 16. Frank Farmer (Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard)

Ryback and Farmer had built up quite a rapport prior to The Tournament, sharing meals, drinks and walks through the grounds. All amiability disappeared, however, when the men engaged in a lightning fast knife fight in the first round. Ryback maintained a steely-eyed intensity, but Farmer seemed detached and, according to eyewitness reports, a little blue. When he broke into song, Ryback took pity on his opponent and disabled him with an expertly placed karate chop to the neck.

WINNER: Casey Ryback, via a broken heart

4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc) vs 13. Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones, The Fugitive, etc)

Samuel Gerard is one tough bastard. He's hunted down the most elusive and clever criminals the US Marshals have ever had cause to chase. He's intelligent, honorable, and he never stops until he gets his man. Yet none of that helped him one iota when El Mariachi flipped opened his guitar case, pulled out a MAC-10 and filled Gerard with bullets. When asked what made the difference, El Mariachi responded "he takes them alive, I don't."

WINNER: El Mariachi, via loving to shoot people

8. Chance Boudreaux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hard Target) vs 9. Sean Archer (John Travolta/Nic Cage, Face/Off)

The corpses of nearly two dozen doves littered the battlefield, caught in the copious amount of crossfire generated by these bullet-evading combatants. With both Boudreaux and Archer having expended multiple clips, and neither able to find their target, the two took a breather to reload. Bursting out of cover, Archer happened to glimpse his reflection in a piece of shattered glass. The face of his mortal enemy staring back at him was enough to make Archer hesitate, and Boudreaux capitalized.

WINNER:  Chance Boudreaux, via that face thing really freaking Archer out

2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Alien 3, etc) vs 15. William Foster (Michael Douglas, Falling Down)

While many Tournament pundits pointed out prior to this fight that neither combatant was in their right mind - Ripley being highly disturbed by the alien baby growing inside her and Foster terminally annoyed by the strictness of the Whammy Burger breakfast menu – it still surprised many that they agreed to settle their differences via quick draw duel. While this odd arrangement initially didn’t seem to be a format that would favor the scrappy, tough-as-nails Ripley, she at least had a gun loaded with bullets.

WINNER: Ripley, via D-Fens using a water pistol

5. James Marshall (Harrison Ford, Air Force One) vs 12. John Smith (Bruce Willis, Last Man Standing)

James Marshall started the match by defaulting to his modus operandi. He ducked into the shadows and prepared to pounce on the fedora-topped gunfighter. John Smith predictably stood in the center of the arena, waiting for a target to present itself for shooting. Marshall carefully repositioned himself, and rushed Smith from behind, knocking him to the ground and sending his guns sliding across the floor out of reach. Marshall summoned surprising strength to lift Smith and dump him on his head before using his fists to severely bloody the hired gun’s face. As Smith's eyes began to close and he faded into unconsciousness, he slipped his hand into a hidden ankle holster and put a bullet in the president's head.

WINNER: John Smith, via always having a gun handy

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 14. Wah Sing Ku (Jet Li, Lethal Weapon 4)

Finding himself entered in a massive “who would win in a fight?” tournament was all a little bit too surreal for Doug Quaid. He couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t real, that this must have been a memory implant by that bastard Cohaagen. Quaid was still lost in thought, struggling with his own identity, and basically just going through one hell of an existential crisis when the swift and silent Wah Sing Ku snuck up behind him and started strangling Quaid with his rosary bead/piano wire thing. As Quaid struggled for oxygen, he remembered who he was and what he had done. It was just the jolt he needed to reach over his head and flip Ku in front of him. As Quaid wrapped his beefy arm around Ku’s slight neck, he felt an almost irresistible urge to say something. To deliver some pithy quip. But with nothing coming to mind, he just wrenched back and snapped Ku’s neck.

WINNER: Doug Quaid, via If I am not me, then who the hell am I?

7. William Wallace (Mel Gibson, Braveheart) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

William Wallace was talking strategy around the campfire with Hamish and Stephen when William Munny approached. The shadowy, dogged stranger asked which of the "dress-wearing sissies" was his opponent, receiving his answer when Wallace unleashed a war-cry and drew his savage blade. Unimpressed, Munny shot him in the face.

WINNER:  William Munny, via headshot

6. Martin Blank (John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank) vs 11. Ghost Dog (Forest Whitaker, Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai)

Seeming to detach from the very shadows of the high school gymnasium, Ghost Dog got the drop on Martin Blank, squeezing off a single round that wounded Blank, but did not kill him. The usually exact Ghost Dog had perhaps underestimated Blank’s ability to detect ambushes from his fellow assassins. What followed was an exchange of gunfire – carefully aimed bursts by Ghost Dog, wild two-handed bullet spraying by Blank. Both fighters out of ammo, Ghost Dog quoted a passage on worthy adversaries from The Book of Bushido, and lumbered forward with his katana drawn. Relying on his quickness, and Ghost Dog’s inexperience with a professional opponent, Blank evaded an overcommitted slash and punctured Ghost Dog’s jugular with a pen.

WINNER:  Martin Blank, via that old cliché

The first round is in the books! Here are the pairings for the second round.

LANGLEY SECOND ROUND

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs  8. Porter (Mel Gibson, Payback)

4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air) vs 12. Lyon Gaultier (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lionheart)

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs  11. Sam (Robert De Niro, Ronin)

2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 7. Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis, Last of the Mohicans)

USS MISSOURI SECOND ROUND

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 8. Chance Boudreaux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hard Target)

4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc) vs 12. John Smith (Bruce Willis, Last Man Standing)

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 6. Martin Blank (John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank)

2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Alien 3, etc) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

Now that half the field is cleared, how are your brackets holding up?

Sam upsetting Doc Holliday was far and away the most unexpected result of the First Round with only 14% of brackets picking that correctly. Holliday is the most popular character to go down so far with the lung'r appearing as Champion in one bracket and in the Final Four of two others.

After going 15-of-16 yesterday, defending champion Zook has completely fallen off the Leaderboard, predicting only 8 of today's winners. Replacing him at the top is Willias, who went 15-of-16 today, missing only the Doc Holliday upset.

The average total score for Round 1 is 22 points. The low score, shared by a few people, is 16 points. The contest is still extremely close, with no one really separating themselves from the pack. And remember, points double in Round 2. It's anyone's game!

LEADERBOARD
(1-t) Willias (Simon Phoenix, John Spartan, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 27 pts
(1-t) Snob (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Hannibal Lecter, William Munny) – 27 pts
(2) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 26 pts
(3) Christian T (Leon, Doc Holliday, Sarah Connor, William Munny) – 25 pts
(4-t) Dan M (Leon, John McClane, Chan Ka Kui, Doug Quaid) – 24 pts
(4-t) Giovanny (Ethan Hunt, Simon Phoenix, The Wagner Twins, Ellen Ripley) – 24 pts
(4-t) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 24 pts
(4-t) Quick (El Mariachi, Robin of Locksley, Doc Holliday, Tequila) – 24 pts

Fan favorites Doc Holliday and William Wallace are no longer with us. Feel free to eulogize them and berate the judges in the comments. Also, weigh in on some of these tough Second Round draws! Next results post coming on Tuesday afternoon.

Background here! Statistics here! Let's get to the action!

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY FIRST ROUND

6. Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat, Hard Boiled) vs 11.  Inspector Lee (Jackie Chan, Rush Hour, etc)

This battle of the Hong Kong cops was a classic case of firearms vs. fisticuffs. Tequila filled the air with lead as he bounded around the police station while Lee evaded his bullets with impossible acrobatics, frequently pausing to disarm his dual-wielding opponent but unable to score any significant damage before Tequila improbably had another pair of pistols in hand. The battle lasted for hours, as Tequila's endless stream of bullets chipped away at all the furnishings and fixtures of the station until Lee was left with nothing else to hide behind, slide between or leap off. Staring down the barrels, Lee abruptly broke into the saddest a cappella rendition of California Girls you've ever heard before Tequila finished him off by emptying both clips, which took 12 minutes.

WINNER: Tequila, via infinity bullets

1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 16.  Deebo (Tommy Lister, Friday)

When Riggs was told he’d be facing one of South Central’s most notorious criminals in the first round, he expected a flamethrower-wielding, armor-wearing maniac. He did not expect Deebo, the kind of burly low-level thug that Riggs has been punching out for years. Deebo may have briefly managed to get Riggs on the ropes  – Riggs does like to make it a contest, after all – but in the end, it was a well-placed brick to the side of the head (The Craig Method) that knocked Deebo out, allowing Riggs to slap the cuffs on.

WINNER:  Martin Riggs, via outstanding warrants

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 14. Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen, Reservoir Dogs)

As soon as Mr. Blonde entered the abandoned warehouse, Leon killed the lights. Not one to scare easily, but also not one to conserve bullets, Mr. Blonde fired indiscriminately into the darkness. After close to a minute spent strafing the walls, Mr. Blonde stopped to listen, hoping to get a bead on his opponent or, preferably, listen to his death rattle. For a moment, Mr. Blonde could see the entire warehouse, but lit as it was by a single muzzle flash, Mr. Blonde’s rapidly collapsing brain didn’t have time to process the details.

WINNER:  Leon, via surgical headshot

4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact) vs 13. Simon Templar (Val Kilmer, The Saint)

Much to the confusion of Alex Wagner, The Saint showed up to battle disguised as his brother Chad. Pastel polo shirt, black silk underwear, infuriatingly effeminate behavior – the master of disguise had it all down pat. What The Saint failed to account for was Alex’s overwhelming desire to injure his own brother. After knocking out both Chad and his imposter with a pair of cranium-splitting headbutts, Alex was able to peel away the latex and expose The Saint. Briefly, he considered ditching his annoying twin and keeping Templar on as a partner. After the somewhat disconcerting display of reapplying The Saint’s disguise and then brutally beating him, Alex collected his woozy twin and reluctantly moved on.

WINNER:  The Wagner Twins, via those disguises not even being that good anyway

5. The Jackal (Bruce Willis, The Jackal) vs 12. Jack Slater (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Last Action Hero)

Jack Slater was unsurprised to find an empty battlefield when he arrived for his first round match; these cowardly criminal types have been ducking Slater for years. When Slater spied his nerdy opponent 300 yards away, fiddling with a remote control, he decided to have some fun. Slater tossed a few sticks of dynamite into the air, planning to launch them toward his foe with expertly placed shots from his Desert Eagle. A funny thing happened though. For the life of him, Slater couldn't hit the rapidly falling explosives. It had never been this hard before. Oh no! Jack Slater realized he was in the real world just moments before depleted uranium rounds fired at a rate of 20/sec turned his body to mush.

WINNER: The Jackal, via this ain't fantasy land, bro

8. Melvin Smiley (Mark Wahlberg, The Big Hit) vs 9.  Gabe Walker (Sylvester Stallone, Cliffhanger)

Nice guy that he is and all, Smiley opted not to show up with all the armament his job as a contract killer requires, reasoning that Walker would be ill prepared for such a battle. This may have been a mistake. Early on, Walker's brute strength overcame the hitman's considerable unarmed combat training and the expert climber tossed Smiley around the mountaintop. Walker tired quickly, and Smiley withstood the barrage, eventually responding with a series or martial arts strikes that did little to soften Walker’s rock hard physique, but succeeded in backing Walker down... right off a cliff.

WINNER: Melvin Smiley, via gravity's a bitch, ain't it?

7. Charly Baltimore (Geena Davis, The Long Kiss Goodnight) vs 10. Zorro (Antonio Banderas, The Mask of Zorro)

The dashing and debonair Zorro gained an early upper hand in this match as he slyly slid the blade of his sword down the barrel of Baltimore's Mini Uzi, deftly disarming her with a flick of his wrist. The lethal lady responded by drawing her own bladed weapon, a large hunting knife. Zorro's suave swordsmanship allowed him to dance away from her precise swipes. A hard hack relieved Baltimore of her second weapon and allowed Zorro to gracefully paint her torso with painful but intentionally non-lethal slashes. With his foe on her knees, the noble swordsman relented, giving Baltimore a chance to concede. She gratefully took this opportunity... to punch him in the crotch and push his nose into his brain.

WINNER: Charly Baltimore, via fighting dirty

2. Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford, Patriot Games, etc) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

Jack Ryan, using his considerable pull as a CIA Analyst, signed off on paperwork that would send enlisted man Johnny Rico overseas to finally deal with that “Irish problem” Ryan has been going on about for years. However, pangs of guilt over squandering the life of yet another soldier led to Ryan tearing up his orders and meeting Rico in the streets for a fair fight. Although, Rico had a rocket launcher and futuristic body armor, so it wasn’t really fair at all.

WINNER:  Johnny Rico, via exploding motorcade

OMEGA SECTOR FIRST ROUND

2. Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) vs 15. Ray Quick (Sylvester Stallone, The Specialist)

In a move that is sure to cause controversy, Ray Quick snuck into Sherwood Forest prior to the fight’s start time and littered the battlefield with strategically placed explosives. Upon arriving at the predetermined, agreed-upon time, Robin of Locksley (no stranger to booby traps) quickly spotted the newly disturbed dirt and branches amongst the lush greenery, and set about triggering Quick’s traps from a safe distance. Watching from afar, the demolitions expert became enraged and busted out his workbench. As Quick put the finishing touches on a new kind of volatile trap, tailored specifically for his opponent, he felt a sudden, sharp pain in his temple before everything went black.

WINNER:  Robin of Locksley, via arrow to the head

1. Harry Tasker (Arnold Schwarzenegger, True Lies) vs 16. Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates, Misery)

The field of combat was momentarily leveled in this otherwise lopsided first round contest when the overconfident Tasker was thrown from the horse he rode in on after he tried to make it leap from one rooftop to another. With her opponent temporarily incapacitated, Wilkes moved in for some vintage hobbling, only to have Tasker regain his footing and smoothly snap her neck.

WINNER:  Harry Tasker, via that neck snapping thing that all spies know how to do

6. Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves, Speed) vs 11. Bodhi (Patrick Swayze, Point Break)

Fist-fighting in the hold of a soaring Cessna, it appeared that Traven might have the upper-hand on Bodhi. That is until makeshift pilot Annie Porter (she does it all) radioed from the cockpit that she’d discovered a bomb wired to explode if the plane lost altitude. With Traven rushing to defuse the bomb, Bodhi grabbed a parachute and made a hasty escape. With his mastery of different colored wires, Traven was able to easily defuse the bomb and dove out of the plane after Bodhi, sans parachute. But, it takes awhile to defuse a bomb, and Bodhi had already safely floated back to Earth, leaving Traven nothing to latch onto.

WINNER:  Bodhi, via Traven lacking Johnny Utah’s sense of timing

7. Wong Fei-hung (Jet Li, Once Upon a Time in China) vs 10. Riley Hale (Christian Slater, Broken Arrow)

After his attempts to secure an experimental B-3 Stealth Bomber for the tournament proved unsuccessful, Riley Hale found himself with little back up to bring to this fight. His spirits were lifted when Wong Fei-Hung showed up with an arsenal of everyday items such as an umbrella, a fan, and a wooden pole, figuring these played nicely into Hale’s highly improvisational style. While Hale was able to get his hands on every weapon at one time or another, he was unable to break through Wong’s defenses. Wong repeatedly disarmed Hale before leveling his foe with a flurry of umbrella strikes.

WINNER:  Wong Fei-hung, via umbrella attacks

8. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs, etc) vs 9. Joe Hallenbeck (Bruce Willis, The Last Boy Scout)

Depressed gumshoe Joe Hallenback was surprised to find his notorious serial killer opponent handcuffed and helpless before the fight had even begun. It would’ve only taken one of Hallenback’s murderous nose-through-brain uppercuts to end this fight but, with Hannibal not seeming like a threat, and with therapy being one of the terms for reconciliation with his ex-wife, Hallenback decided to let Lecter pick his brain. After a two hour session wherein Lecter clinically dissected Joe, probing his feelings of worthlessness and misanthropy, Hallenback was deeply shaken. He asked Lecter for a cigarette, which the good doctor kindly supplied. Hallenback was in the middle of his first drag when it occurred to him that a handcuffed man shouldn’t be able to hand him anything. By then, the scalpel was already slicing into his jugular.

WINNER:  Hannibal Lecter, via psychoanalysis

4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man) vs 13. John Mason (Sean Connery, The Rock)

With his superior planning skills, John Mason was able to get the drop on Simon Phoenix, nearly ending the fight early with a concentrated burst from his Colt XM177. However, Phoenix is adept at finding cover from automatic weapon fire, and narrowly escaped. A game of cat-and-mouse ensued, with Phoenix trying to get in close and Mason using his knowledge of Oscar Wilde and lines about fucking prom queens to hopefully distract Phoenix. Despite being amused by the old man’s banter, a department that stiff John Spartan was always lacking in, it was only a matter of time before Phoenix was able to pin down Mason, disarm him with his encyclopedic knowledge of hand-to-hand combat, and bludgeon him to death for the victory.

WINNER:  Simon Phoenix, via combat download

5. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, etc) vs 12. Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey, The Usual Suspects)

A common criminal would have likely been terrified to go into combat against the mythical Keyser Soze’s civilian personality due to the macabre stories celebrating his ruthless and cold-blooded tactics, but Sarah Connor’s had her bloodline threatened by much more impressive foes, like time traveling robots. As Connor charged fearlessly and foolishly into battle with her machine gun blazing, Kint retreated into the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to execute the human freedom fighter at point blank range. Even in Kint’s sights, Connor’s erratic, wild-eyed behavior made her a difficult target. Kint’s first shot nailed her in the shoulder and dropped her to the ground. Kint stepped from the shadows to make sure Connor knew the face of her executioner only to watch the mother of the human uprising draw her sidearm and send a bullet directly into the kingpin’s forehead.

WINNER: Sarah Connor, via Kint’s obsession with his own legend

3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc) vs 14. Tyler Durden (Edward Norton, Fight Club)

Chan Ka Kui, himself a defensive fighter, had never met an opponent quite like Tyler Durden. Chan barely broke a sweat dodging the punches of the enthusiastic but unskilled brawler. However, much to Chan’s dismay, every counterstrike he employed seemed to be enjoyed by Durden. Confused by his opponent’s appreciation of pain, and disconcerted by the American’s various nihilistic slogans that don’t translate well at all, Chan decided to go on the offensive. Durden, knowing he had little chance against the fast feet and explosive fists of his smaller opponent, began to consider how he would spin this beating into a lesson for his legion of unfulfilled middleclass white male followers, but couldn’t come up with anything clever before slipping into unconsciousness.

WINNER:  Chan Ka Kui, via not wanting to be punched

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY ROUND 2

1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 8. Melvin Smiley (Mark Wahlberg, The Big Hit)

4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact) vs 5. The Jackal (Bruce Willis, The Jackal)

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 6. Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat, Hard Boiled)

7. Charlie Baltimore (Geena Davis, The Long Kiss Goodnight) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

OMEGA SECTOR ROUND 2

1. Harry Tasker (Arnold Schwarzenegger, True Lies) vs 8. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs, etc)

4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man) vs 5. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, etc)

3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc) vs 11. Bodhi (Patrick Swayze, Point Break)

2. Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) vs 7. Wong Fei-hung (Jet Li, Once Upon a Time in China)

So how did you do?

If you’re the one person that selected Verbal Kint as Tournament Champion, the answer is pretty bad. No one else lost a champion today, but some brackets did lose Final Four selections, including a pair of predictors that apparently interpret mountain climbing as the most badass of extreme sports (killing people for money is way more extreme).

The most common missed selection so far in the first round was Johnny Rico. Only 29% of readers had the guts to pick the #15 seed to upset.

As it happens, that Johnny Rico upset was the only winner our defending prediction champion Zook missed so far. Zook, coming off a dominant performance in last year’s 80s Tournament, throws down the gauntlet for all Culture Blues readers, daring them to pry his prognosticator scepter (yes, there’s a scepter) from his cold dead hands. Congratulations, Zook, on another glorious start!

The average score so far is hovering at around 12 points, with a low score of 8. Here’s a look at the current leaders (champions in bold):

LEADERBOARD
(1) Zook (Chan Ka Kui, Ethan Hunt, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 15 pts
(2-t) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 14 pts
(2-t) Snob (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Hannibal Lecter, William Munny) – 14 pts
(3-t) Carlos (William Munny, Simon Phoenix, Porter, Tequila) – 13 pts
(3-t) Christian T (Leon, Doc Holliday, Sarah Connor, William Munny) – 13 pts
(3-t) Giovanny (Ethan Hunt, Simon Phoenix, The Wagner Twins, Ellen Ripley) – 13 pts
(3-t) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 13 pts
(3-t) Quick (El Mariachi, Robin of Locksley, Doc Holliday, Tequila) – 13 pts
(3-t) Steve P (Leon, John McClane, Harry Tasker, El Mariachi) – 13 pts

Upset about Verbal Kint’s loss? (we know 25% of you are) Want to start stumping for your champion now that the field is cleared? Have an opinion on the hotly contested and hugely important Lecter vs Tasker 2^nd Round battle? Tell us in the comments!

You lied to us, Culture Blues!

We realize that we promised to begin the first round of The 90s Badass Tournament today but, just like Simon Phoenix telling the cops that John Spartan doesn’t care about hostages, we lied!

Because of the response we’ve gotten thus far, and because we want more brackets to trickle in as the day winds down, we’re postponing the first round of The Tournament until tomorrow morning (that’s Thursday, June 30^th). That means, if you’re just finding us now, there’s still time to get a bracket in.

DOWNLOAD THE FULL BRACKET HERE (and send it to tournament@cultureblues.com)

Catch up on all The Tournament news and background information at Tournament Central

While not nearly as entertaining as the heart-stopping results of The Tournament’s first round, we have gone through the numerous brackets we’ve received so far to dig up some intriguing Tournament statistics.

Thus far, we’ve received brackets with 32 different characters selected to make the Final Four. Half the field is getting at least a little love from our readers. The most popular Final Four selections are:

(3) John McClane – 51%
(3)  Leon – 34%
(1)  Harry Tasker – 31%
(4)  El Mariachi – 27%
(1)  Martin Riggs – 27%

The highest seed not to receive a single vote for Final Four? Jack Ryan, a #2 seed, that’s getting absolutely no love from our anti-government readers. Somebody better swing by the Tom Clancy message boards and let them know that their boy is getting jobbed.

So far we’ve received 15 different choices for Tournament champion. They include votes for Cinderella stories like Verbal Kint and Doc Holliday (bold picks, guys!). But, the most popular choices for champion are:

(3) Leon – 17%
(3) John McClane – 13%
(1) Casey Ryback – 10%
(1) Ethan Hunt – 10%
(1) Martin Riggs – 10%

Of course, the best bracket-makers don’t just rely on their champions but know how to pick a savvy upset as well. With the exception of Deebo (everyone loves Friday), none of the #16 seeds have been shown any love by our readers. Other than those scrubs, the only character not to receive a single vote of confidence is #14 Lornette “Mace” Mason. We know she’s up against John McClane in the first round, but doesn’t anyone respect what she accomplished in Strange Days? Bunch of sexists.

The most popular upset picks so far:

(11) Bodhi over (6) Jack Traven – 75%
(9)  Gabe Walker over (8) Melvin Smiley – 51%
(10) Mike Lowry over (7) Hawkeye – 51%
(11) Inspector Lee over (6) Tequila – 48%
(12) John Smith over (5) James Marshall – 48%

Interestingly, 8% of brackets have Tequila advancing as far as the Final Four. There could be some early busted brackets out there if the vocal Rush Hour contingent sways our judges!

The 90s Tournament results go up tomorrow (for real this time), so get those last minute brackets in! For those of you already signed up – what do you think of the stats? Is Leon the inevitable champion? Is Bodhi really that much better than Traven? Let us know in the comments!

Sarah Connor, seen here preparing for her first round battle with the mysterious Verbal Kint.

The Tournament brackets have already begun flooding the Culture Blues e-mail box, but for those of you still agonizing over pairings and doing your research, we thought you might appreciate a convenient location with all the most important 90s Badass Tournament information.

THE RULES:

The field of 64 is assembled using the following guidelines:
-Competitors must have a feature film appearance in the 90s to be eligible.
-Absolutely no super powers allowed.
-No actor can be represented by more than 4 different characters (The Arnold Rule).

Fights are contested under the following rules:
-The question being debated is “who would win in a fight?”
-Fights are not necessarily to the death.
-Most fights will be to the death.
-There are no preset conditions for location, weaponry, weather, etc. These factors, if considered, are decided on the whim of the judges.

HOW TO PLAY ALONG:
DOWNLOAD THE FULL TOURNAMENT BRACKET HERE! Then:
1) Fill it out.
2) Send it to tournament@cultureblues.com
3) Win PRIZES! The most accurate Tournament prognosticator will receive a DVD of their choice from any of the featured 90s flicks and maybe some other Culture Blues swag. We might even do something for 2^nd and 3^rd place. We’re unpredictable.
4) Scoring:  1st round = 1 point, 2nd round = 2, Sweet 16 = 4 , Elite 8 = 8 , Final Four = 10, champion = 15.

We’ll be taking brackets until the First Round results come out, probably on Wednesday!

Melvin Smiley reacts to talk of a Gabe Walker upset victory.

THE REGIONS:

The Omega Sector Preview – Her first round loss in The 80s Tournament must be scaring off potential bettors because, so far, only 30% of brackets have (5) Sarah Connor making it out of the first round.

Langley Preview - The most disputed first round match-up out of Langley is (5) John Cutter vs (12) Lyon Gaultier, with the brackets we’ve received so far pretty evenly split but skewing in favor of the upset. Also, 70% of the brackets we’ve received have their eventual champion coming out of Langley.

Pacific Coast Highway Preview – There’s no favorite emerging in the PCH region. Four different regional winners have been selected in the brackets we’ve received so far, the most diverse selection in The Tournament.

USS Missouri Preview – Surprisingly, top-seeded Casey Ryback is the only one of the #1 seeds yet to appear in someone’s Final Four. Where are all the Under Siege fans?

COMPETITIVE INTELLIGENCE:

-For the 90s Tournament, only Bruce Willis maxed out with 4 entries. In the 80s, Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and Kurt Russell all had 4 characters in the field. This time around, Russell completely disappeared (sorry Backdraft and Breakdown), and Stallone and Schwarzenegger were limited to 3 entries a piece. Also sending 3 characters into the field: Jean-Claude Van Damme and Mel Gibson.

-25% of The 90s field make their living in law enforcement. That’s exactly the same ratio we had in the 80s.

-If you need some business taken care of, you’ve come to the right place. 27% of Tournament contenders commit crimes for money. The cops really have their work cut out for them!

-15% of The 90s field don’t survive their own movie. That’s down 5% from the 80s. In the 80s Tournament, not a single character that died in their movie survived beyond the Sweet Sixteen.

Casey Ryback reportedly saddened by lack of fan support.

Remember, get your brackets in to tournament@cultureblues.com, and jump into the comments to convince the judges why your Final Four is the only logical conclusion. Also, if you’re on Twitter, stay tuned this weekend – our Intern will be filling out his bracket via tweet. Watch what that little idiot does, and then do the opposite!

DOWNLOAD THE FULL TOURNAMENT BRACKET HERE! Then:
1) Fill it out.
2) Send it to tournament@cultureblues.com
3) Win PRIZES!

Important Links:
Introduction and Rules
#1 Seeds
The Omega Sector Preview
Langley Preview
Pacific Coast Highway Preview
USS Missouri Preview

We've saved what is arguably the best region for last. Led by overall #1 Casey Ryback, the USS Missouri region also features the only 80s Tournament Final Four participant to return for the 90s Tournament. As if that wasn't enough, the region is packed with iconic 90s figures like a certain Scottish liberator, a guitar-case wielding gunslinger, and the baddest mother fucker to ever sit in the Oval Office. There's so many legitimate contenders lurking on the USS Missouri that this is almost certain to be the region that busts a few brackets.

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 16. Frank Farmer (Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard)

Hopes for a bloodthirsty duel between the chef and the bodyguard were severely dampened when, during the Tournament's media week, the two became fast friends, bonding over a shared love of dating celebrities and throwing knives. Word is that they've been taking their meals together in Ryback's private kitchenette, leading some to believe that the #1 seed and outrageously decorated career soldier is taking the former Secret Service agent and current glorified babysitter too lightly.

8. Chance Boudreaux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hard Target) vs 9. Sean Archer (John Travolta/Nic Cage, Face/Off)

On paper, Boudreaux and Archer seem like a pretty even match-up. As an FBI Special Agent, Archer would appear to have the edge when it comes to formal training, but Boudreaux is a scrappy Cajun with a knack for survival. The real X-factor here is what kind of psychological state Archer will be in after recently undergoing a face transplant. Archer’s mental baggage might be exactly the edge Boudreaux needs to make it to the second round.

5. James Marshall (Harrison Ford, Air Force One) vs 12. John Smith (Bruce Willis, Last Man Standing)

At a glance, this match-up offers very little upside for John "The Pseudonym" Smith. His stand-still-and-gun style of offense leaves him open to President Marshall's cunning guerrilla tactics. The real question isn't if the Head of State will be able to get close, it's if he'll be able to finish the job. He's a tenacious but somewhat clumsy brawler, and Smith seems to always have a gun within arm's reach, no matter his state of health, fatigue, or undress.

4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc) vs 13. Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones, The Fugitive, etc)

Gerard makes a living tracking down people like the mysteriously named Mariachi, noble souls who have somehow found themselves on the wrong side of the law, and he always gets his man. But what happens when the man he's looking for isn't hiding? El Mariachi's guitar case filled with guns means he doesn't have to back down from fights. Not to mention the fact that he's basically a walking tall tale; a fabled gunfighter and righter of wrongs. That may be too much for one doggedly persistent manhunter to handle.

6. Martin Blank (John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank) vs 11. Ghost Dog (Forest Whitaker, Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai)

They may both be hitmen whose moral codes ultimately put them at odds with their profession, but these two are a textbook case of contrasting styles. Ghost Dog is contemplative, meticulous and downright surgical in his jobs, leaving no evidence that he was ever there, other than the bullet holes in his victims. Blank, on the other hand, drags dead bodies wrapped in pep rally banners out of his 10-year high school reunion. The wreckage of Blank's personal life is a constant threat to his pulling off clean hits. Regardless of their differences, both men are expert killers who could go far in this competition.

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 14. Wah Sing Ku (Jet Li, Lethal Weapon 4)

Reportedly one of the last entrants into the field of 64, cold-blooded Triad boss Wah Sing Ku brings high-level martial art skills and a hefty tolerance for pain to the table. Doug Quaid, on the other hand, brings some of the best one-liners in history. Some Tournament analysts have speculated that Quaid is not nearly the badass competitor he appears to be, arguing that he is merely a depressed construction worker tripping his balls off on Rekall. Others argue that they'll be seeing Quaid at the party. The victory party.

7. William Wallace (Mel Gibson, Braveheart) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

Here we have a clash between two men with lofty reputations. William Munny out of Missouri, killer of women and children, takes on William Wallace out of Scotland, kilt-rocking freedom fighter. Both men are haunted by their pasts, and both are somewhat reluctant heroes, forced into battle by the corrupt world around them. Munny, a feared gunfighter, would seem to have the advantage in terms of firepower, but the old man has softened in recent years. Wallace, while potentially disadvantaged by his reliance on edged weapons, is nonetheless a careful planner and field general that might simply want it more than Munny.

2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Alien 3, etc) vs 15. William Foster (Michael Douglas, Falling Down)

William Foster’s day just went from bad to worse. The unhinged and out-of-work D-Fens is a major underdog in this first round match-up with 80s Tournament veteran Ellen Ripley. Some Tournament pundits have wondered why Ripley, who made the Final Four in her last appearance, wasn’t rewarded with a #1 seed. While some view the Ripley slight as evidence of sexism on the part of the Selection Committee, others wonder if it has something to do with her newly discovered condition. This time around, Ripley will be fighting for two.

With the full bracket revealed, who is in your Final Four? Did we miss your favorite 90s action icon? Tell us in the comments!

DOWNLOAD THE FULL TOURNAMENT BRACKET HERE! Then:
1) Fill it out.
2) Send it to tournament@cultureblues.com
3) Win PRIZES!

Important Links:
Introduction and Rules
#1 Seeds
The Omega Sector Preview
Langley Preview
Pacific Coast Highway Preview
USS Missouri Preview

Beyond fan favorite Martin Riggs, who undoubtedly deserves his #1 seed, the PCH region is brimming with controversy. The #2 seed is a political player that many consider overrated, who may have used some backroom maneuvering to influence the Selection Committee into granting him a higher seed. And the #4 seed - well, that one just breaks all the rules. Throw in some of the most highly-skilled hitmen in the field and you've got a region that's bound to be both chaotic and hotly contested.

1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 16. Deebo (Tommy Lister, Friday)

In his own Los Angeles neighborhood, Deebo is a widely feared man who makes ordinary upstanding citizens tremble, a fact that has some experts wondering whether Riggs' new-found lovestruck state has done more than just pulled him back from the brink. Has it also made him soft on crime? Big or small, well-connected or petty street thug, cleansing the LA streets of Deebo's brand of scum is the only thing that kept the old Riggs sane. Still once he's forced into the ring, Riggs brings a lifetime of combat experience, and an Elite 8 appearance in last year's tournament, to the table. Deebo overcoming all that would easily make this tournament's most compelling Cinderella story.

8. Melvin Smiley (Mark Wahlberg, The Big Hit) vs 9.  Gabe Walker (Sylvester Stallone, Cliffhanger)

Here we have two of the most genuinely nice guys in The Tournament. Smiley is a sweet moron just trying to cope with the day-to-day pressures of a dangerous job and a demanding fiancé. Walker is a broken-hearted hero, in mourning over the accidental death of his girlfriend. These two would probably really enjoy each other’s company, maybe even work some of their emotional stuff out together. But, when it comes to The Tournament, it’s important to remember that one of them is a contract killer and the other one just climbs stuff.

5. The Jackal (Bruce Willis, The Jackal) vs 12. Jack Slater (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Last Action Hero)

Jack Slater is easily The Tournament’s most enigmatic figure. Some argue that he should be as high as a #2 or #3 seed due to his impressive body count, his skill with a variety of weapons, and his ability to bend the laws of physics to his will, like some kind of action star Bugs Bunny. The selection committee maintains that without knowing if that Jack Slater, and not the significantly less badass “real world” Jack Slater, will show up, that he is right where he belongs. The Tournament’s penchant for arbitrary staging grounds makes this match-up a bettor’s nightmare. In his world, Slater would be right at home taking on the Jackal’s disguise-wearing mastermind. In the real world, he’s just another victim.

4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact) vs 13. Simon Templar (Val Kilmer, The Saint)

In an unprecedented turn of events, twin brothers Alex and Chad Wagner have been granted permission by the Selection Committee to participate in The Tournament as a unit. While the extra man might seem like an advantage on the surface, savvy analysts have already noted that Alex and Chad don’t get along, with rumors of Alex plunging deep into his cups while fantasizing about getting cuckolded by his twin. Or was that Chad? We can't tell them apart! Looking to exploit this sibling rivalry is the master of disguise, Simon Templar, better known as The Saint. Will some spirit gum and a funny wig be enough to overcome twin badasses?

6. Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat, Hard Boiled) vs 11.  Inspector Lee (Jackie Chan, Rush Hour, etc)

Asian activists were furious to find out that seeding would make it impossible for both of these dedicated and skilled police officers to make it to the second round. Their protests were quickly met with opposition from other groups claiming that the selection committee has guaranteed an Asian will appear in the second round, a luxury exclusive to that group, and white males. The selection committee has refused to comment on the race issue, instead focusing on the scandal-proof promise of an exciting clash between Tequila's kinetic gunplay and Lee's kinetic (and comedic) roughhousing.

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 14. Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen, Reservoir Dogs)

Let the kill crazy rampage begin! Or not. There’s some real animosity in this first round match-up, likely due to the stoic master-assassin Leon not having much of a taste for Mr. Blonde’s over-the-top style. It seems unlikely that Mr. Blonde can get the slippery Leon duct-taped to a chair – the only place where he’d have an advantage. Without his team of color-coded criminals to back him up, and with a significant skill difference, does Mr. Blonde stand any chance against Leon?

7. Charly Baltimore (Geena Davis, The Long Kiss Goodnight) vs 10. Zorro (Antonio Banderas, The Mask of Zorro)

It's CIA assassin versus swashbuckling hero in what is easily the first round's sexiest match-up. There may be some animal magnetism, but the noble vigilante swordsman will surely find little else to like about the foul-mouthed shooter with a mean streak. In her previous life, Baltimore would have felt comfortable taking down a Mexican defender of the downtrodden, but pundits wonder if her 8 years as a nurturing housewife and mother have left her incapable of pulling the trigger on a good guy.

2. Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford, Patriot Games, etc) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

If you’re looking for a big time upset, then you’re in the right place – this one is hotter than a co-ed shower. Jack Ryan’s career is built on the bones of young enlisted men just like Johnny Rico. You can bet your ass it was a bureaucrat just like Ryan that, after the asteroid bombing of Buenos Aires, sent Rico off to die in an ill-conceived assault on Klendathu. But, Rico is a survivor, and he’s got the physical abilities and superior firepower that should give him the upper-hand against a desk-jockey like Ryan.

Will his new-found respect for life be enough to carry Riggs to the Final Four, or will his journey be derailed by The Wagner Twins? Is Johnny Rico the biggest potential upset of The Tournament? Will Leon buck the trend of characters that don't survive their own movie bowing out in the early rounds and make a run for the championship? Tell us in the comments!