(10) Manny Horvitz

Asked by Nucky Thompson “do you know something I don’t?” the gravel-voiced Manny Horvitz dryly replies “the question answers itself.” Outwardly a charming Jewish butcher with a fondness for giving his gangster colleagues Yiddish pet names, Horvitz has an icebox filled with pieces of guys that tried to fuck him over. Horvitz is at his most badass when he buries a meat cleaver in the forehead of a would-be assassin, right in front of his deli’s “fresh killed meat” sign. For all his papa bear sweetness and long-suffering schlemiel humor, Horvitz is not a man to be taken advantage of. Just ask Angela Darmody. (Jeff Hart)

(9) The Paranormal Activity Ghost

Heaven sounds great and all, but as far as afterlife choices go, have you ever considered haunting someone? To death! The Paranormal Activity ghost/demon/entity thing (or “Toby” as he is tentatively named in the third installment) really knows how to execute a game plan. You start off easy, moving around chairs and things, and slowly ramp up the terror until an entire household is reduced to insanity. Most horror movie villains are not badass because eventually we have to see them and they hardly ever live up to the hype. Toby does not have that problem. It’s an unseen, playful, malicious force that seems to have a thing for killing entire families. Merry Christmas! (Ben Van Iten)

(8) Ndamukong Suh

There are people who just don't give a fuck, and then there is Ndamukong Suh. Frankly, being suspended two games for stomping on someone's arm isn't even really all that badass. Trying to rip off Jake Delhomme's head is though. So is punching Jay Cutler in the back of the dome with your forearm. Even James Harrison thought that was excessive. Suh's lack of fuck giving is remarkable, and at this point nearly approaching a Chris Brown level of apathy. (Jason Arican)

(7) Gus Fring

Ah, the reigning chicken and meth kingpin of New Mexico. This season on Breaking Bad we finally got a chance to know Gus Fring. We really got inside his head, if you will. From his humble entry into the drug game to his cold-blooded revenge against a Mexican cartel years later (a revenge that involved Gus intentionally poisoning himself), Fring’s season was filled with backstory and badassery. At some point, between emotionlessly cutting a subordinate’s throat and cavalierly stalking toward an enemy sniper, Fring developed near supernatural levels of badassness. His only weakness? Walter god damn White. (Jeff Hart)

(6) Siri

She's smart, sassy, and can help you stash a dead body. This year, Apple introduced the world to Siri, a software program labeled as a personal assistant but more akin to a professional fixer. Siri is uniquely able to help you determine how large Central Park is, while in the next breath able to help you find a strip club. But don't take her wealth of knowledge as a weakness, Siri is quick to put you in place. When setting an alarm for a 6AM flight, Siri reluctantly fulfilled my request, but added "don't wake me up too." She's not only badass, but she's also kind of gangster. (Jason Arican)

(5) John Price

In 2016, after nearly three years of imprisonment, John Price will be rescued from a Russian gulag. As World War 3 rages, Price, who at this point in his legendary military career is an erroneously disgraced former member of the SAS, has two goals: revenge, and saving us all. Fortunately for him, both objectives can be achieved by killing one man, Vladimir Makarov. Price eventually completes his missions, pulling Makarov out of a helicopter and punching him through a glass ceiling before hanging him. Best of all, when it’s done he lights a cigar. (Giovanny Caquias)

(4) Megan Ellison (right)

After helping to fund last year’s True Grit, this twentysomething heiress has moved on to a plethora of much talked about projects from some highly respected names: Kathryn Bigelow’s Bin Laden assassination movie, Paul Thomas Anderson’s Scientology expose and his adaptation of Thomas Pynchon’s Inherent Vice and John Hillcoat’s bootlegging drama Wettest County just to name a few. She’s like a one woman MacArthur Fellowship. Of course, all that prestige didn’t stop Ellison from also snatching up the rights to the Terminator franchise. With discerning taste and boatloads of daddy’s money, she could be ushering in a new era in film, where accomplished filmmakers are less reliant on marketing-obsessed studios. (Jeremiah White)

(3) Chael Sonnen

Of course Chael Sonnen is a badass. He beats the shit out of people for a living. It’s not so much his skill that earns the self-proclaimed people’s champion a place on this list – although he’s far from lacking in that department – it’s the way Sonnen conducts himself. The only UFC fighter capable of riffing on home invasion as trash talk, Sonnen is like a cross between a professional wrestling heel and a hyper-articulate internet troll. After winning his first fight following a 14 month layoff, Sonnen tried to goad middleweight champion Anderson Silva into a rematch by proposing a ‘loser leaves town’ stipulation. So far, Silva is still ducking him. (Jeff Hart)

(2) Khal Drogo

For a story set in a medieval fantasy world where arguments are settled by sword fights that usually end up with someone dying, any number of characters could have made this list. Even with that being the case, only one of them melted down a chain and poured hot gold on someone's head. Only one of them referred to his unborn son as "the stallion that will mount the world" and promptly tore a dude's throat out. R.I.P. Drago. Damn that witch. (Jason Arican)

(1) Michael Fassbender

An on-screen portrayal of Magneto in his angry youth days before he became a sardonic fop with a goofy helmet wouldn’t normally be enough to get Fassbender the coveted top spot on our badass list. However, Fassbender closed a year of super heroics by whipping out his peen and delivering one of recent cinema’s most bracing performances in Steve McQueen’s sex addiction horror show Shame. Describing a performance as “brave” has become such a cliché, but there’s really no other way to summarize Fassbender’s NC-17 odyssey. It made Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant stand up and applaud. Give nude Magneto his Oscar. (Jeff Hart)

Someone should slap that jerk Ted.

(10) How I Met Your Mother - Hip twenty-somethings, a sexy single chick that likes to drink, and a countdown for when one bro gets to slap another bro in the face. It’s the perfect Thanksgiving! Oh, except for Ted. All Ted wants to do is whine about how he can’t find the perfect girl to spray his needy semen into and how his Baby Bjorn collection is going to waste and how blah blah blah he’s lonely. Shut up about it, already.

My tummy is rumbling, bearded Steve Zahn.

(9) Rescue Dawn - Why is this even on the list? Because I needed to get to 10, probably. No one wants to go to a Thanksgiving at a prison camp, where all they can do is imagine the food that they’d be eating if they weren’t living under constant threat of death by starvation. Also, Christian Bale is way too intense to ever share a meal with.

Enough with the pumpkinBOMB pie jokes, Norman.

(8) Spider-Man - Norman Osborn is even more intense than Christian Bale. I’d be more at ease if he just carved the turkey with one of those razor-bat things, rather than get all sweaty trying to hide his psychopathic tendencies. Plus, Aunt May is a nag. This whole family is sort of a drag to be around, what with Peter being such an emo wimp and Harry constantly trying to impress his daddy with talk about the short story he published in Esquire. It was last year, dude, enough already! Let’s get out of here, MJ.

Awkward.

(7) The Vicious Kind - Maybe this one hits a little too close to home. I mean, Adam Scott spends his Thanksgiving alone and chain-smoking. Meanwhile, his little brother has an awkward dinner where his girlfriend shares some way too intimate details with the scary Nazi from Oz. Can you believe it all goes downhill from there?

I bet Tom and Katie make the Pinkett-Smiths sit through this every Thanksgiving.

(6) Pieces of April - WTF YOU CAN’T COOK KATIE HOLMES! Oh also, your hair is weird. Where did I put my e-meter?

Count me in!

(5) Saturday Night Live, The Vogelchecks - I’ve never actually seen The Ice Storm, which takes place over a Thanksgiving that involves what I’m sure is a totally successful and emotionally fulfilling key party. I didn’t want my ignorance of the more celebrated works of Ang Lee to derail my Thanksgiving’s potential for an orgy, or at least some sloppy kissing, so enter the Vogelchecks. In the latest iteration of the SNL sketch, Andy Samberg and Jason Segel (he’s on this list twice!) tag-team a piece of corn on the cob. Wait – corn on the cob?! At Thanksgiving?! That’s unheard of! I love it.

(4) Scent of a Woman - At first it’s kind of fun hanging out with Al Pacino’s blind military man Frank Slade. He has some funny one-liners and is great with the ladies. He’s also like an encyclopedia of cunnilingus techniques and won’t judge at all if you practice on that skin flap hanging over the turkey’s butt, mostly because he can’t see you doing it. Gross! Anyway, as the meal wears on, his HOO-AHs turn into depressed little hoo-ahhhs and it seems like he’s probably going to kill himself. Or put Bradley Whitford in a Ranger stranglehold. Either way – the meal is ruined.

Keeping Thanksgiving precious.

(3) Youth in Revolt - If you’re part of a couple, one of the toughest parts of any Thanksgiving is enduring your significant other’s parents, because they probably don’t like you. The ideal solution is to have your partner’s cool older brother sneak those grouchy parents some mushrooms before you arrive. That way, everyone can enjoy a peaceful Thanksgiving. At least until your archrival arrives in his adorable sweater to bust you for arson.

I like holding hands!

(2) Four Brothers - Growing up, my Thanksgivings never had enough black people (any). However, every Thanksgiving did see a revenge plot hatched. That’s probably why Four Brothers ranks so high on my list. Hanging out with Tyrese and Outkast – that’s so ethnic! Are there different kinds of Thanksgiving foods for adopted black children? I HOPE SO BECAUSE I WANT TO EAT THEM! Now let’s go find out who murdered our Mom so Marky Mark can dump them in an ice-hole! I love Detroit.

 (1) Son In Law - As if spending Thanksgiving with Pauly Shore could be anything but my top choice. There’s a scene in Son In Law (you can see it in the trailer!) where Pauly Shore lays on his belly in the dirt and does swimming motions while chanting “Middle America.” That about sums it up, doesn’t it? Isn’t Thanksgiving with Pauly Shore what we all truly want? A weird hipster from a coastal city comes to a flyover town and teaches the people there how to live. It’s just like what the pilgrims did with the Native Americans!

(10) Eli Sunday - There Will Be Blood

Granted, he ends up denouncing his faith and begging for mercy, moments before having his head caved in with a bowling pin, but up until that point Eli Sunday makes a pretty good go of it. Don’t be fooled by the sniveling demeanor when he isn’t preaching, Sunday is all voice-cracking passion when he’s in the pulpit. It’s in his comfort zone – his church - where Eli goes toe-to-toe with Daniel Plainview, humiliates him, and plants the seeds of his eventual undoing. It’s only outside the church where Eli finds himself getting slapped around and swindled. Shouldn’t have played those away games, Eli. Also, it’s called drainage.

(9) Eli - The Book of Eli

I’m not sure Eli technically qualifies as Clergy just because he’s transporting the last remaining copy of the Bible through a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but close enough. Unlike Eli Sunday, Denzel’s Eli doesn’t need to fight his holy wars inside a church. He doesn’t do much preaching either, unless knife-fighting is the church of the future. If Gary Oldman hadn’t started picking on him, I’m not sure Eli would’ve ever done much besides wander through the desert murdering wastelanders. I guess he’s sort of like Jesus that way. He’s also a walking miracle. A badass in typical Denzel fashion, Eli is a remarkable warrior and a master marksman, two impressive feats when you consider that he’s blind. Dude has JESUSVISION.

(8) Father Damien Karras - The Exorcist

Throwing yourself out a window to kill the demon inside you is pretty badass. I guess performing a successful exorcism that everybody gets to go to a nice dinner after and reminisce about that time the priests totally harmonized during “the power of Christ compels you!” would’ve been more badass. That’s not to diminish Karras; none of the other characters on this list can claim to have vanquished a demon, which I figure is one of the prerequisites for making whatever church-folk call their Cooperstown.

(7) Camerlengo Patrick McKenna - Angels & Demons

Say what you will about Ron Howard’s Angels & Demons (for instance, that it failed to entertain even a Dan Brown fanbase that thinks a glorified Encyclopedia Brown Visits the Vatican adventure is high art), but Ewan McGregor’s evil Pope candidate has a pretty badass skill set. Do you think Pope Benedict knows how to fly a helicopter? How about wire a car to explode? If the real life Vatican spent less time trying to quash beach reading about agnostic “symbologists” and more time training their order in combat arts, Catholicism would be cool again!

(6) Shepherd Book - Firefly

Maybe the Catholics will eventually take my suggestions to heart, because the priests of the future are pretty badass. Shepherd Book is exactly what I’d want out of a spiritual advisor; wise, black, and with an open attitude toward violence (because while the Bible is clearly against killing, it’s somewhat fuzzier on kneecaps). Because of Firefly’s premature cancelation and his reduced role in Serenity, we never get all the details of the shadowy past that drove Book to spiritual life. I’m sure it involved appropriately badass space-banditry, because reformed criminals make the best priests.

(5) Caleb - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Back-to-back Joss Whedon characters! Whedon has a habit of mining religion for material, so it should be no surprise that his frighteningly polite southern priest with super strength appears here. I don’t really remember much about Caleb’s time on Buffy, other than him poking out Xander’s eye with his thumb. I bet there was a good eye-for-an-eye zinger too. That's enough for me!

(4) Reverend Graham Hess - Signs

It’s a real man that can admit when he was wrong, even if it does take an alien invasion. When Signs begins, Mel Gibson’s Hess is having a crisis of faith. When Signs ends, Hess has realized that there is a God and that his wife’s death served a purpose in His plan. That purpose? To show humanity that water kills aliens. Because that would’ve been difficult to figure out. Also, what kind of alien species capable of interstellar travel invades a planet 70% covered by what is basically acid, and doesn’t wear spacesuits? Thank God for free-balling aliens that aren’t big on details.

(3) Reverend Shaw Moore - Footloose

Look, it’s common knowledge what happens to the peaceful town of Beaumont once Kevin Bacon comes to town with his sexy tank tops and sinful dance movies. By that time, Reverend Moore has gotten soft and is suckered into Satan’s clutches with some skillfully quoted Bible verse. But what about all those years before Bacon corrupted Moore? Here’s a man capable of lording over a small town with an iron fist so powerful that even jaunty rhythmic walking would earn lashes in the town square. And Moore didn’t need Knights Templar or super strength to keep his parishioners in check – all he needed was old-fashioned pulpit charisma and the threat of an eternity of fire.

(2) Brother Justin Crowe - Carnivale

He has a giant tattoo of the Tree of Woe on his chest! That could be the end of this discussion. Brother Justin begins Carnivale as a devout man with good intentions that undergoes an epic-sized existential crisis when he discovers that he’s this generation’s avatar of evil. When he’s done with self-pity and suicide attempts, Justin makes the very Christian decision to accept his role in the universe. That’s when business really picks up. Stalking around California with his empty black eyes, commanding a legion of followers through his crazy-ass radio sermons, and teaching mind-controlled maids “how to pray” while morally upstanding stroke victims are forced to look on. Also, he’s not a big fan of those “International bankers.” It’s a tour de force of evil unlike any other. Christians everywhere should be proud of what Justin accomplished during a mere 2 seasons of villainy. Easter should be moved to the anniversary of Carnivale’s cancellation.

(1) Preacher - Pale Rider

“You wouldn’t want me to leave before I finish my work, would you? Lot of sinners hereabouts,” says Clint Eastwood’s Preacher, responding to a surly Chris Penn. Unfortunately for Penn and his gang of corrupt miners, this Preacher isn’t in the business of redeeming sinners, but executing them. Quite literally an avenging angel, Preacher was previously deemed too supernatural to compete in our 80s Badass Tournament (the standard by which all action movies are judged). Eastwood’s nameless man of God is a remorseless killing machine with the unfair advantage of being a ghost. A ghost that can shoot guns. The reaction to Eastwood enacting divine retribution in this clip pretty much says it all.

(10) Randy & Evi Quaid

There are two ways of looking at Randy and Evi Quaid. The first way is as a modern era Bonnie & Clyde (only with less killing and more dine and dash), white hot lovers, iconoclasts both, living on the fringes of a society that refuses to understand them. The second way is as a pair of crazies that really, really hate paying for shit. Either way, I want to thank the Quaids for a year of top-notch entertainment. As if the charges of squatting on their former property weren’t enough (they’re rich!), the resulting journey from fugitives to refugees might be one of the greatest Hollywood meltdowns of all time. Unless, of course, The Hollywood Star Whackers are real, in which case this year was the turning point in the persecuted couple’s battle against the shadowy forces trying to oppress them. (Jeff)

(9) Huck Botko & Andrew Gurland

The 2010 that these writing/directing partners had may not raise eyebrows in many circles, but for two men with no credits in the last 5 years, it was kind of a big deal. This year, Botko and Gurland unveiled The Virginity Hit, the follow up to their very smart and very funny feature debut, Mail Order Wife. The Virginity Hit wasn't as funny or original or intriguing, but it still displayed moments of their brilliance, a vibrant young cast, and enough of a spin on the teen sex comedy to make it essential viewing for fans of the genre. In addition, and perhaps more importantly, Botko and Gurland wrote The Last Exorcism, a horror movie that garnered generally positive reviews. This trend appears to continue in 2011 with the pair writing the Eli Roth produced 3D remake of The Funhouse. I hope steady writing gigs allow Botko and Gurland to experiment even more in their next homegrown feature. (Jeremiah)

(8) Ronnie Ortiz-Magro & Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola

In a house of goofballs, Ronnie and Sammi were our straight players. Thrust into a situation where cheating is so easy it’s almost inevitable, I was impressed with the relative level of commitment between these two. It was weird - I rooted for them to stay together, but of course was fully behind Ron when he got smashed and tongued down the nasty chicks in the first episode of Season 2. Like I said, relative. They obviously cared about each other very much and there was an element of their relationship that reminded me of high school, which made it endearing. They would break up, only to get back together, only to break up again. Ron would go out and party with the boys and then come home to Sam and snuggle up in the twin sized bed that they shared. For such an outwardly tough guy, there was something about Sammi that would break him down to an emotional wreck. I guess she wasn’t lying when she called herself “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet.” (Jason)

(7) Tim & Jane Farnsworth

The Unnamed, Joshua Ferris’ follow-up to his Hemingway/PEN award-winning debut novel Then We Came To The End, is heartbreaking everywhere that its predecessor was hilarious. Tim Farnsworth has an affliction where he can’t stop his body from walking. Regardless of where he is or what he’s doing, Tim can be suddenly compelled to walk, without destination, until he passes out from exhaustion. Chronic jimmy-legs can be a real strain on a marriage, but Jane Farnsworth takes the idea of standing-by-your-man to new levels, if not quite literal ones. How Tim’s affliction affects their marriage is at times hard-to-read, but perhaps more harrowing are the sections when Tim’s condition goes into temporary remission and, for a time, their relationship returns to a sort of normalcy. Meanwhile, as readers, we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Jeff)

(6) Johnny Tri Nguyen & Ngo Thanh Van

Johnny Tri Nguyen and Ngo Thanh Van are a lot like a Vietnamese version of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They met on the set of a movie, while Nguyen was still married. They are superstars in their native land. Acting, singing, dancing, karate-ing – there is very little these two can’t accomplish between the two of them. Their movie star charisma and sexy chemistry helped elevate the more drab portions of Clash, the highest grossing Vietnamese movie of 2009. As did all their arm-breaking and face-kicking. If these two keep it up, they’ll be parading around a gaggle of adopted white babies in no time. (Jeremiah)

(5) The Winklevi

Does David Fincher want us to root for Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss? They’re contemptible trust funders, ubermensch members of the crew team, preppie douchebags that walk around with cashmere sweaters tied around their necks. Cast in opposition to Jesse Eisenberg’s underdog Mark Zuckerberg, The Winklevi look like the kind of guys that might challenge someone to ski the K-12. They also might have invented Facebook. Fincher, aided by an often scene-stealing performance by Armie Hammer, at first paints The Winklevi as the perfect villains of The Social Network, the Cobra-Kai running down Mark Zuckerberg’s Daniel-San. Yet, by the end, The Winklevi seem less detestable than the wimp they should be persecuting, just two lunkheads outsmarted and cleaned out by a bitter nerd with an axe to grind. Sometimes it’s the jocks that need revenge. (Jeff)

(4) Mitchell Pritchett & Cameron Tucker

Modern Family has done a terrific job of exploring the storyline of a gay couple parenting an adopted Asian baby. True to reality, we see Cam and Mitchell tackling every day issues of being parents, without getting beat over the head with the fact that they are gay parents. Their fights are mostly innocent and relatable. This is compared to the fights of Jay and Gloria, which often are vicious and stem from Jay having a young, hot, voluptuous Columbian wife, something which very few (none) of us can relate to.  When the writers craft stories that do relate to the gay aspect of Mitchell and Cam's relationship, it’s done well and we are treated to episodes like the one when they try to flaunt their homosexuality to get Lily into the best boarding school. And while it’s a little off-topic, I have to mention that the twins who play Lily are the best child-actors in the history of television. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but they never (I mean NEVER) make any facial expressions. It’s the best. (Jason)

(3) Hank Dolworth & Britt Pollack

It pains me to even write this entry, because barring any last minute intervention on the part of some upstart cable network like Starz or DirectTV, Terriers’ Hank and Britt will never ride again. From the opening scene of the pilot, Hank and Britt demonstrate an easy camaraderie, a natural rapport unusual to television. As a pair of shiftless layabouts with a crazy amount of baggage co-running an unlicensed (and often amoral) detective agency, Hank and Britt are the consummate underdogs. They’re charming, irascible and, frankly, irresistible. Except, the majority of viewers did resist, and Terriers was canned after a stellar freshman season. For those of us that did tune in, we were treated to perhaps the greatest – and I cringe to use this term, but it has never been more appropriate – bro-mance ever told. Remember that time Hank went to Tijuana to rescue Britt? And they were talking to each other on their cell phones, trying to meet up, and when they did meet they seemed so excited to see each other? Awww friendship. (Jeff)

(2) Jim & Pam Halpert

Considering most of its first three seasons revolved around their will-they-or-won’t-they romance, it’s sort of amazing to see The Office transition the newlywed Pam and Jim almost into background players. Pam and Jim have gone through the wedding arc and the baby arc - go-to storylines for long-running sitcoms with fresh ideas dwindling – and emerged into a new state, not marital bliss necessarily, more like marital melancholy. Sure, there are plenty of “cute” new parent problems, but there are also subtle moments of grinding depression, especially from the perpetually unfulfilled Pam (always crying in stairwells). Generally though, the Halperts are that rare sitcom couple that doesn’t need a problem-of-the-week to remain engaging. Or, maybe they’re not that engaging anymore which, as married people, make them all the more realistic. I do hope they eventually address the fact that these two spend their every waking moment together. It’s gross. (Jeff)

(1) Troy Barnes & Abed Nadir

As frivolous as it was, I often wished Lost had more episodes like the golf one from the first season. Removed from the contrivances of plot, characters seem more organic, more alive, and exponentially more fun. The demands of a sitcom are significantly different than that of a mythology-heavy show like Lost, but cramming multiple plotlines into 22 minutes, with less serialized overlap between episodes, might be even more intense. Community's end credit sequences do a great job of capturing the boredom and subsequent creativity of college students (and teenagers, and employees) without ever interrupting the flow of the show's larger plotlines. For 21 and a half minutes, Troy and Abed are just as emotional, petty and, in the end, caring as their fellow Greendale students, and then for 30 seconds they are lovable goof-offs and ridiculous time-wasters. These segments perfectly cap off the unorthodox, reference heavy plots with room for Troy and Abed to breathe, and it allows actors Donald Glover and Danny Pudi to show off talents that might otherwise go unused (like krumping, mimicry, Spanish rapping and morning show hosting). (Jeremiah)

(10) Jared Leto

In a world where true artists are often marginalized, one cannot help but admire the incomparable talents of Jared Leto. The very definition of a Renaissance man, Leto is the type of actor, musician and director who towers over his peers, and makes legends look over their shoulders. Leto first appeared on the scene on MTV’s My So Called Life, as the scrumptious Jordan Catalano, where he became an instant icon to the grunge generation. After his television stint, Leto graced the silver screen, instantly becoming a box-office juggernaut, all while laboring at the feet of a different muse. In 1998 Leto and his brother Shannon formed the musical phenomenon we know today as 30 Seconds To Mars. With its Pink Floyd-meets-Led Zeppelin sound, 30STM is pushing music beyond imagination, and changing existence one note at a time. Leto truly is the gift of gifts. (Giovanny)

(9) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Even if it weren't right there in his name, The Most Interesting Man in the World would still be on this list, because he is always doing things that are really interesting! Like hanging out with models and drinking Dos Equis. That's so interesting; sometimes I just sit in my room and think about it for hours. You know, just ponder the hell out of it. He's also got really interesting stories to tell, like that old chestnut about when he was in Mexico. Man, what a yarn! I practically fell off my seat I was listening so intently. And the way that people, and other animals, react to him is just so fascinating. Like the guys who thank him after he punches them, or the sharks that devote a week to him. He reminds me of Chuck Norris. And we all know how interesting old "Karate Chop" Chuck is. You know who Chuck Norris reminds me of? Bill Brasky. To Bill Brasky! (Jeremiah)

(8) Fred

An entertainer with the comedic chops to make both kids and adults laugh comes along only once in a generation. For the current generation we have Lucas Cruikshank, better known as Youtube sensation Fred Figglehorn. With a channel boasting more than 100 million views, Cruikshank is arguably the teenage messiah of viral video. 2010 was a massive year for Cruikshank. Fred: The Movie premiered on Nickelodeon, drawing over 7 million viewers. Cruikshank also debuted a new Youtube character – Doug Derky. The inspired invention of Derky initially worried some Fred-heads who voiced concerns that Cruikshank might be spreading his talents too thin. Only time will tell whether Figglehorn and Derky can coexist, but rest assured that the sky is the limit for young Cruikshank, who will soon be elbowing his way into the comedic pantheon with legends like Belushi, Pryor, and Top. (Jeff)

(7) Ben Quayle

Of all the reasons to be excited for the incoming Republican majority in the House (AND THERE ARE A LOT!), the most titillating is without a doubt 33 year-old Ben Quayle of Arizona. Son of Dan Quayle, one of the finest Vice Presidents in American history, the younger Quayle brings something to Washington that Congress sorely lacks: a set of waxed, swinging balls. While some may view Quayle as a silver-spoon sucking frat boy whose rufie-application skills likely won’t translate to politics, I see him as the kind of hero this country desperately needs, a guy that’s not afraid to speak truth to power (Quayle’s right, Barack Obama IS the worst President in history). He’s sort of like the Dane Cook of the Republican Party. Quayle also gives me hope that I too will one day be able to pursue politics, knowing that nothing I post on the internet (even my Poon Ripper column on thedirty.com) will come back to haunt me. (Jeff)

(6) Jay Leno

After a brief hiatus to polish up his stand-up material and refine his popular Jay-Walking skit, big-hearted funny man Jay Leno finally returned to The Tonight Show this Spring. The return of its most iconic host to the late night staple came not a moment too soon, with ratings tanking after the ill-advised experiment in alternative comedy undertaken by NBC earlier this year. Leno returned not just to replenish the flagging ratings of The Tonight Show, but to once again fill our bellies with laughter, his incisive comedy the perfect nightcap to a tough day. Just like all of your 200 cars, Jay, you’re a classic. (Jeff)

(5) Sandra Lee

This year, Sandra Lee became the unofficial First Lady-elect of New York State, and in 2011 she will move into the Governor's Mansion with live-in boyfriend Andrew Cuomo. Lee brings a heretofore unknown, almost Jackie Kennedy-esque style, grace and general classiness to New York's highest elected position. Lee has already revolutionized the cooking world by teaching Americans that cooking doesn't have to involve cooking, that taco mix is a good seasoning for a New York strip steak, and that corn nuts (preferably Ranch flavored) belong in baked goods. She's now ready to entertain bureaucrats and represent New York to the entire nation. Thank you, Sandra Lee. We're happy to have you. Have some wine on us. (Jeremiah)

(4) Everyone on Foursquare

Dennis just checked in @ Buffalo Wild Wings. Dennis just checked in @ Buttermilk. Dennis and two others just checked in @ Wiggle. Dennis just checked in @ Spot Coffee. Dennis just checked in @ Spot Coffee. Dennis just checked in @ Arby’s. Dennis just checked in @ Buttermilk. Dennis just checked in @ Spot Coffee. Dennis just checked in @ Dennis’s House. Dennis just checked in @ Medley Center. Dennis just checked in @ Hot Topic. Dennis just checked in @ Spot Coffee. Dennis has just ousted William M as Mayor of Spot Coffee. Dennis just checked in @ Circuit City. (Jeff)

(3) Stephen Baldwin

Imagine losing a popularity contest to Sisqo. After such a shameful event, how many of us could continue soldiering on through this cruel prank of a world? Probably none of us. Except Stephen Baldwin! The man is an inspiration to Christians everywhere. Following his devastating loss on Celebrity Big Brother, a loss caused by the mainstream media’s unreasoning vitriolic hate for non-Jew religions BTW, Baldwin was at a low point both emotionally and financially. Luckily, restorestephenbaldwin.org launched, reminding us of all the joy Stephen has brought us over the years, and encouraging all of us good souls to donate generously toward restoring Stephen to a place of financial security. We here at Culture Blues have done our part - we’ll be releasing a special edition of Bio-Dome on our upcoming Culture Blues Celebrates! line of DVDs. Have you done yours? Stephen Baldwin needs your G-D money, guys! (Jeff)

(2) Justin Halpern

The man behind the revolutionary Twitter feed and the subsequently revolutionary TV show, That's Some Shit My Dad Just Said Hyuk Hyuk, has revolutionized entertainment as we know it. Gone are the days of pretentious, literate, know-it-all writers. Welcome to the days of 140 characters worth of platitudes and randomness that is just so darn cute because it comes from a senile person who is like a real person, not some made up character. Now, that's funny! And for those of you who think Justin Halpern is actually just some talentless jerk who got rich by typing stuff his dad said, well boy have I got news for you. His dad isn't real. He never was. Justin Halpern made it all up, because he's a genius. (Jeremiah)

(1) Antoine Dodson

When Antoine Dodson was interviewed on July 28, after an intruder entered his house and tried to rape his sister, he wasn’t trying to be a hero or a celebrity, but that’s what he ended up becoming. His interview was flamboyant, passionate and lacked the pretentious bullshit that we see in the news every single day. Dodson spoke directly to the would-be rapist, after warning his community to “hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband because they’re raping everyone out here.” I am so sick of watching bullshit on my news and television shows. This was REAL reality television. Dodson may have seemed like he was flying off the handle, but he was actually the least ridiculous person who has been on TV in the last ten years, probably. The interview went viral on YouTube and has been remixed by people like The Gregory Brothers, and Dodson has set up a website to raise money to get his family out of the hood. I hope it works. Because that is the kind of American Dream I am interested in. That is the kind of American Dream I hope for. (Lauren)

(10) The iPad

The reason that I consider the iPad to be a colossal disappointment doesn’t really have anything to do with the iPad as much as it has to do with the people who own one. Like most of us, I too am often tantalized by the magical products that come out of the house of Apple, but when it came to the iPad, I felt like Steve Jobs was trying to sell us a product that no one really needed. Seriously, if you have a smart phone and a laptop, why do you really need an iPad? You can come up with all of the Apple rhetoric you want about the product's versatility, but, face it, you got bamboozled by hype and marketing. I see you all on the train, or out and about, trying desperately to find a comfortable way to sit, hold, and use this superfluous and overpriced device. (Giovanny)

(9) The NASA Alien

Alright so let me get this straight, we are no closer to proving that the Independence Day aliens are real? How is Randy Quaid going to redeem his subpar existence if not by saving us all by flying into the mother ship’s tractor beam laser thing? And is that glass bullet proof?!? No sir! What? At the end of the day NASA hadn’t come out with anything exciting for a while and they needed to generate some buzz so they started hyping a press release that somehow related to extraterrestrial life and all the nerds went bonkers. What we’re left with is some nonsense about arsenic and lakes. Yawn. (Ben)

(8) The Whole Conan Situation

Wasn’t it nice earlier this year when everyone on the internet came out in support of Conan O’Brien? Granted, most of the fair-weather fans that made a show of changing their Facebook pictures or tweeting an “I’m With Coco!” hadn’t ever actually tuned into The Tonight Show. Still, it was sweet for the internet to circle the wagons around a genuinely nice guy, even if it wasn’t so much in celebration of his talent as it was an indictment of NBC and Jay Leno, and also a trendy bit of meme bullshit (see also: Betty White) for the internerds to fleetingly wrap their ADD around. You guys know he came back to TBS, right? Where’d all the love go? His show has been doing well, shockingly, almost catching Leno in the ratings, despite being on cable. And Leno? Well, The Tonight Show has sunk below Conan era numbers. I guess this isn’t so disappointing after all. Just wish I’d see a few more of the Cocoholics from the winter linking hilarious clips to Conan’s new show. Or did we all finally realize he hasn’t been all that funny since Clinton left office? (Jeff)

(7) The Expendables

The Expendables has been met with general critical acceptance (although not exactly appreciation) and has found more than a few fans amongst the predominantly male audience it courted so aggressively and shamelessly with words like "testosterone" and "mangasm." I, however, had a significantly different experience. As a critic, I would consider it a disservice to the public (and a bit condescending) to simply throw my hands up and say, well it will be good enough for the people who actually want to see The Expendables, which is the tack many backhanded compliment slinging critics took.  As an action fan, I felt betrayed. The frequent use of digitally inserted blood was noticeable and completely against the "back to the 80s" ethos espoused by Stallone et al. The plot was overwrought. The characters lacked color. The opponents weren't worthy. Instead of being a defining moment of self-subsistence for past their prime action heroes, it felt like a good will burning farewell tour for forgotten stars too old to compete on a level playing field. (Jeremiah)

(6) Brett Favre's Penis

It’s not that I imagined it would be bigger so much as I imagined it would have more swagger. Maybe the picture, camera-phone quality and all, doesn’t do a great job of communicating just how much fun Brett Favre’s penis is having out there. Sure, I expected it to be a little bent by age, but still proud. Favre’s penis should have been tossing a football through a tire while some worshipful high-schoolers looked on. After, his penis would tip its ragged ballcap to the crowd and swing its scrotum over a tractor, rumbling off into the sunset. Metaphorically, I mean. I doubt Brett Favre actually has a toy tractor to rest his balls on and that, like his penis, is a disappointment. Considering his play this season, which has almost become secondary to his ESPN-covered midlife crisis, it’s really no surprise Favre would try to jam his penis into coverage, desperate to fit it into openings where it has no business, etc. It’s disappointing that the old man, like his penis, has refused to age gracefully. (Jeff)

(5) Lebron James

Lebron James had the chance to be a man last summer. Upon further scrutiny, one can even admit he had the chance to be a hero. Instead, he chose to be a villain. Since I don’t posses the type of vanity which results from winning the genetic lottery, I have no idea what was going through Lebron’s head when he decided to hold an ESPN special to announce “The Decision.” Did his people really think this was a good idea? Was Lebron not aware of the fact that we’d all grown weary of the nonstop coverage of his deliberation? Was he trying to be a dick? Whatever the reasons (or lack thereof), Lebron decided to take his talents to South Beach to provide NBA fans with a moronic punchline... and the people of Cleveland with heartbreak. (Giovanny)

(4) The Entire State of Wisconsin

Going into the mid-term elections, us liberals were willing to accept a certain amount of losses. As a country we love the idea of dumping a party on its ass for another party that will eventually dissapoint us as well every few years, and this time it was the Democrats turn to take a dive for the sake of this sham that we call a political system. But there were people that I just always assumed would be safe. Like former senator Russ Feingold. Along with John McCain he passed significant legislation on campaign finance reform, fought as hard against lobbyists as any politician I have ever seen, and just seemed like an all around level headed articulate dude. In his place? Some douchebag that said that it's more important to have manufacturers in the Senate than lawyers. No one ever bothered to tell Ron Johnson that THEY MAKE LAWS IN THE SENATE YOU ASS! My home state belongs on this list for falling for the “I’m not a Washington insider” pile of crap argument that the Tea Party is marching out. Suck it, Wisconsin. (Ben)

(3) The Inexorable March of Time

Young people keep happening. Maybe this year you were minding your own business when some fifteen year-old came up to you and started singing the praises of Green Day, like, the recent stuff. American Idiot is a seminal album in this little jerk’s world, key to his development as a musician. Yeah, you can put him down now, tell him how Green Day sold out, scoff at the musical he wants to go see, tell him he should listen to Dookie, but it doesn’t matter. Pretty soon this twerp is going to be running shit and you’ll be one of those weird dudes on the subway, balding but with a ponytail. A gut. You’re going to smell weird, your cell phone is going to be fucking huge, and when you look at a pretty girl people around you are going to call that leering. Time is passing you by, dude. (Jeff)

(2) Lost's Final Season

Over six seasons I watched the show I loved slowly go from awesome to infuriating, but like millions of other “Losties” I foolishly hoped for the best. There had never been another season of television that I anticipated more. Then I learned what it felt like to be the city of Cleveland. Don’t get me wrong, the season started well; the flash-sideways showed some promise in their initial stages, but that was before Jack’s son and Sawyer the cop! Then there was all that nonsense with evil Sayid, the Temple, the Lighthouse and, of course, The Candidate... I wanted it all to mean something- not just the time I spent watching and obsessing over the show’s mythology, but the show itself. In the end all I got was a glowing pond, some bullshit purgatoryesque nonsense, and utter letdown. I am never watching TV again. (Giovanny)

(1) The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

This idea should have died on the drawing board - it's a premise that gets unfunny so fast that by the time you're done saying it, you're already trying to change the channel. But if you were suckered into attending the event in Washington, you couldn't change the channel. And it was waaaaay longer than half an hour. Oh, the fails. It equally blamed the Right and the Left for our nation's insanity, but as Bill Maher pointed out, we are not all the same. And that "why can’t we just all get along through compromise and reason" message was used to death in 2008. The fact that Jon Stewart had to go on Rachel Maddow's show afterward and clarify the whole thing proved that not enough thought went into the rally and it turned out to be pretty aimless. And not funny. Were the writers absent that day? I don't know, I didn't watch the whole thing. I heard the last segment was really good but the fact that I couldn't make it to the end is very telling. I mean, I watched When In Rome the whole way through. I clearly have no standards. (Lauren)

What disappointed you this year? And hasn't Jon Stewart become a little insufferable? Tell us in the comments below.

(11) Andrew Garfield

Considering the actor who ascended to household name status in 2009 was Sam Worthington, we should all be celebrating Hollywood’s discovery of Andrew Garfield, a young actor that actually has talent. Garfield had one hell of a year. Battling serial killers and the British bureaucracy, and eventually losing his shit, in The Red Riding trilogy. Competing for a girl with Heath Ledger, and eventually losing his shit, in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Being the one good guy in the sordid formation of Facebook, and eventually losing his shit, in The Social Network. It’s been a year of subdued and nuanced performances all leading to shit-losing for Garfield. Let’s hope he keeps it up in his turn as Peter Parker. (Jeff)

(10) Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj is fascinating not because she's the new queen of hip hop, it's because she isn't. She's a signed Young Money rapper, has interesting vocal range, facial expressions that are hard to look away from, and an almost unbelievably huge booty, and her contributions to other people's tracks set her up for a kind of greatness her first album Pink Friday didn't deliver. The fact that she's getting treated as, like, The Only Female Rapper Ever is evidence that there is a huge void of well-known female rappers, and just how difficult it is to find yourself in the hip hop scene as a woman. Maybe that's why she's constantly jumping from style to style, never settling, because she's trying to make up for all the female rappers who aren't getting heard. Or maybe she just sucks and we're all stupid for liking her. Whatever the reason, I cannot look away. (Lauren)

(9) Four Loko

I discovered Four Loko in Prospect Park this year during a Sonic Youth show. It was pushed on me by a couple of underage drunks from New Jersey. Later, I'd tackle someone. Like Sparks before it, Four Loko was the kind of miracle elixir guaranteed to give local news producers a boner. Oh, think of our corrupted children! It’s like liquid cocaine marketed as an energy drink!  Shut up. OK, so maybe some overzealous college kids with a funnel overdid it and needed to have their stomachs pumped. It’s not like they died! Babies. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, the consenting adults that could pound a Four Loko or six, set some car-fires, and not end up in the hospital or jail. Guess it’s time to rediscover Red Bull, vodka, and actual cocaine. (Jeff)

(8) Paris

In 2010, I discovered that all of the things that people say about Paris, and Parisians, are true. There’s no question that Paris is the most beautiful city in the world; one can literally walk down any street, or turn any corner, and come across the glorious statue of a figure whom you don’t recognize, but which native Parisians walk by cynically. The denizens of Paris are equally dazzling, with a collective fashion sense that is unrivaled by the population of any other city. All that being said, the greatest truth about Parisians is that they are assholes. I know you’re all thinking “DUH,” to which I reply that, while it is one thing to be “spiky and French,” the fact that the first people I asked for directions from literally laughed in my face is absurd, and it got no better all trip, no matter how drunk I got. (Giovanny)

(7) Tumblr

I started using Tumblr earlier this year to feed my ever-growing narcissism. I wanted to start a blog, but I knew that I wouldn’t have a ton of time to invest in it. Considered a light-blogging platform, it seemed like Tumblr would be the best option. While I still update my Tumblr page pretty frequently with pictures, quotes, and videos, I have recently become more excited about Tumblr as the perfect multimedia consumption platform. Like Twitter, it gives you the option to “follow” people. After a little searching and some fine-tuning, I found an eclectic group of accounts that create an inspiring collage. When I log into my dashboard, I’m almost always guaranteed to see a really hot hipster chick from iwentformine, or a sharply dressed cat from electric marauder, or a stunning shot of the city I love and miss from fuckk yeah chicago. In addition to the artistic side of things, I like Hungover Owls and captchart as great examples of the fun side of Tumblr. LOL, they’re owls that look hungover! (Jason)

(6) Civilization V

Earlier this year I was under doctor’s orders to stay in bed for a week (ask me about my muscle reduction surgery sometime). Rather than do anything even remotely productive, I decided to download Civilization V. I’d never played any of the prior versions of the popular empire-builder, they always seemed like something nerdy historical fiction fans killed time with during MonsterQuest commercial breaks. Civilization V is that, yes, but it’s also ridiculously addicting and disturbingly satisfying. Is there anything better than watching your pacifist Japanese empire launch the moon mission just as the barbaric Aztecs begin massing on your border? Maybe watching Washington crumble beneath the blood-soaked tomahawks of my murderous Iroquois. Consider me a convert. (Jeff)

(5) The NASA Alien

In an announcement that NASA said was going to change “the search for extraterrestrial life,” they revealed that they found organisisms here on earth that were living off of arsenic. This is of course relevant because…well, that stuff is poison, right? The fundamental building blocks of life have been replaced by another compound! One NASA researcher even went so far as to say, “we’ll have a better shot at finding ET because we know what we’re looking for.” A lot of people found this announcement to be disappointing, but I don’t know what kind of cynical jerk would fall into that camp. (Ben)

(4) Maid Service

I’m going to be honest, I have no interest in cleaning up after myself. I’m not going to leave dirty dishes all over the house or anything, but spending a Saturday afternoon on my knees in the bathroom scrubbing is just not for me. If it doesn’t come up with one wipe of a wet paper towel, then it’s time to call in the professionals. It’s not because I’m lazy, or because I don’t want to get dirty, or because I mind putting in a little elbow grease, it’s because I don’t want to and I can pay someone else to. Frankly, my time is more valuable than cleaning my own apartment for free. I could be playing Final Fight, or catching up on G.I. Joe back issues from the 80s. (Jeremiah)

(3) Tom Rachman

Here’s a discovery: people still write good books. The Imperfectionists, the debut novel from Tom Rachman, is a series of interconnected short stories about the staff of a dying international newspaper. It’s sort of weird immortalizing it here, on Culture Blues, the mega popular blog that has single handedly pillaged three local newspapers in the last year alone. Rachman’s work is melancholy, but ultimately uplifting, and probably the best novel I read this year (suck it, Franzen). If you read it on a Kindle, you should be ashamed of yourself. (Jeff)

(2) The Wire

When I told my colleagues that I’d never seen a single episode of The Wire at the annual Culture Blues Summer Barbecue (Prince William and Derek Jeter were there), they made me feel like I had never seen the sun. “This is why God hates you” snickered Jeff, while Jeremiah shook his head in disbelief. I think Jason threw a cherry pie on the ground. After the ridicule and name calling was over (Jeter can be a dick about TV), I went home and immediately started to learn about the streets of Baltimore, the cops who try their best to keep them safe, and what amazing television truly is. Keep something in mind dear readers, I don’t watch much TV. I live in a cave and listen to music all day, but I could not get enough of this show. The Wire is the greatest television drama ever... But you already knew that. (Giovanny)

(1) Astronautalis

Based only on a strong recommendation, having never heard any of his music, I went to see Astronautalis open up a show for k-os. His set was short but brilliant, and completely stole the show. A few nights later, I went to see him headline at a bar only a short walk from my apartment. That performance – the best concert I’ve been to all year - was pretty much the genesis for this list. I needed an excuse to write about Astronautalis, a genre-defying cult artist that I’m coming to late, but who I’m so excited to have discovered this year. I’m not much for writing about music, so I’m going to let Youtube (and the generous Brooklynites that uploaded clips from the show I’m referencing) do most of the heavy lifting here. That Astronautalis performance had it all – raspy cinematic tales, hip-hop gravitas, and heartfelt digressions. Also, of course, the trademark Astronautalis audience-suggested freestyle (there’s a ton of these on Youtube). I still don’t feel like I’ve done Astronautalis justice – just go see him live. (Jeff)

Let us guess, you guys already knew about all this stuff and we're just late to the party, right? So what did you discover in 2010? Also, seriously, how awesome is The Wire? Let us know what you think in the comments.

This has to do with Twitter. We promise.

As pop culture aficionados, your friends at Culture Blues are not immune to the end-of-year lists currently overwhelming the internet. Welcome to Listmania, where Culture Blues ranks their favorite shit in a bunch of different categories. Today we look at our favorite Twitter accounts. We took into consideration frequency of tweets, ratio of good tweets to bad tweets, originality, humor, insight, level of interaction and exploitation of the medium.

(11) @insanityreport

I’m often tempted to just start another Twitter account that wouldn’t be able to be tracked back to me. I would just say everything that was on my mind - unfiltered, offensive at times, and without any fear of consequence. In a sense, that’s exactly what @insanityreport is about. He’s a blogger who is very passionate about politics, sports, and the television show Hoarders. His tweets are often strung together into long-winded rants, which is normally annoying but here it works. He's a liberal who does not hesitate to call out hypocritical members of Congress from the left with smart and insightful commentary, all while keeping things light and slightly ignorant (once threatening to throw a middle school civics textbook at people who didn't understand the tax deal compromise). (Jason)

(10) @hughhefner

A couple months ago I was stuck in an endless line at a grocery store, feeling pretty shitty about life in general.  I took out my phone and started to browse through Twitter when I came across a tweet by Hugh about how he was “playing backgammon with the twins by the fire” and I felt momentarily compelled to set my groceries down and walk into traffic.  But really, if anyone has a right to abuse Jason’s infamous #fastlifebaby hashtag it is Hef.  There isn’t a lot of cutting edge content on this Twitter account, but how can you not follow this guy?  He’s playing backgammon…with the twins…by the fire. (Ben)

(9) @therealcarl2

The problem with the trend of giving fictional characters social media outlets is that the blogs and twitter feeds seem like less-funny versions of their primetime counterparts at best, and completely different characters at worst. The official Twitter feed for Aqua Teen Hunger Force’s New Jersey neighbor, the Giants loving Carl B., on the other hand, nails everything. He’s nearly as funny as the Adult Swim Carl and he acts just like Carl. All he does is talk about sports, belittle people, lie about women he’s been with and grossly overestimate his place in the world (he tried to start a Twitter “fued” with Albert Haynesworth). The next time a marketing department is thinking about launching a blog, they should spend a little time with ATHF and Carl B. (Jeremiah)

(8) @sportsguy33

It’s a very uninspiring handle, but ESPN columnist Bill Simmons more than makes up for that with sharp, hilarious, and occasionally informative content. There have to be a million wannabe geniuses on Twitter who incoherently tweet their thoughts excessively during major sporting events (I am one of them) but Simmons never annoys me which is an impressive feat. Simmons has become famous for being a clever sports fan, a feat so many I know would love to achieve. Some of the asshole Yankee fans that write for this site might not approve of this selection, but I’m turning this in pretty close to deadline so they’re going to have to deal with it. (Ben)

[ed. note: We don't have to deal with anything, and these asshole Yankee fans were reading Bill Simmons back in his early ESPN days. We even remember his shitty cartoon]

(7) @jemelehill

When it comes to Twitter, ESPN columnist Jemele Hill keeps it realer than most. Yeah, she talks about sports, but more often than not she uses sports as a platform to goof around. She has mastered the hashtag and is especially engaging with her followers. During the MLB playoffs, she helped popularize the #UncleRon hashtag (in honor of Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington), and once got people going in on #MikeTomlinsShapeUp.  What’s great about Jemele is that her playful mischief is ever evolving - her new favorite game to play is dedicating classic R&B songs to quarterbacks… sung by interceptions.  (Jason)

(6) @AndrewWK

“Party tip: nail a banana to the wall.” Even without the hilarious contest that followed, this post deserves recognition in the Twitter Hall of Fame. If you have listened to Andrew WK’s music or read his tweets, you know that his philosophy is pretty straight forward. You should party all fucking day. Now my alcohol tolerance over the years has grown past that of your average man (this is not bragging, trust me) and I have the feeling that if I ever got drunk with this guy I might end up in a gutter. Or dead. Or both! I hate to use this phrase, because it makes me sound like an elitist douchebag (which I am) but if you don’t like this man…you just don’t get it. Read this twitter account for hilarious randomness. (Ben)

(5) @MJ_Day

There are nearly seven billion people in the world. Each year, there are probably a few dozen people involved in the shooting of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. MJ Day is an editor for the magazine, and one of these people. She also has a camera phone and a Twitter account. So to recap: models + swimsuits + camera phone + a platform to broadcast to the world = MJ Day. While I don't doubt that she is genuinely excited to participate and share behind the scenes goings on, this is of course a conscious and brilliant marketing campaign for the magazine. With print sales plummeting across the industry and easy access to pictures of naked women, it's important for SI to keep this American staple relevant. MJ (and her "boob cam"- which is exactly what it sounds like) is an increasingly integral component of that. I'll save you the trouble and just link to her photo sharing accounts here and here. Body paint, guys. Body paint. (Jason)

(4) @the_ironsheik

A lot of people don’t understand Twitter. They think that it is just a medium for people to report the mundane aspects of their life. In some cases that is true, but they obviously don’t understand that Twitter is also a place for retired professional wrestlers to constantly voice their displeasure with Hulk Hogan and Mel Gibson. I’m not sure if the Iron Sheik, real name Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri, has gone completley insane recently or whether he has always been that way. Pretty sure it’s the latter. Either way, be sure to stop by for his lack of English skills and slow descent into bitter madness! (Ben)

(3) @FakeCraigFinn

Knockoff Craig Finn isn’t for everybody, which is probably why he (she? they?) has just over a thousand followers. It’s a highly niche gimmick Twitter account (does the Twitterati have a word for that?). The first requirement for enjoying @fakecraigfinn is an appreciation for The Hold Steady, specifically the rambling bar talk lyrics of front-man Craig Finn. There are no other requirements. If you dig Finn’s boozy lyrics, filled with equal parts drug references and biblical allusions, but you’ve always wanted to digest them in smaller servings without all the rollicking Hold Steady jamming to distract you, then @fakecraigfinn is perfect. Turns out there are a ton of words that rhyme with Demerol. My favorite from his recent offerings? “He never thought he'd settle down until he did / God's not the only one who got soft when he had a kid.” Get that on your next album, real Craig Finn! (Jeff)

(2) @ebertchicago

There are a lot of reasons to admire Roger Ebert: the perspective he has maintained during his battle with thyroid cancer, the way he has managed to change with the times, or perhaps the fact that he has cemented himself as the definitive voice of film criticism in the United States. But for me, it’s the fact that this dude just doesn’t sleep. Every time I check Twitter the man has something to say. When I wake up at 3 in the morning and can’t get back to sleep, I always know there will be a blog post about his displeasure with Sarah Palin, or how video games are not art, waiting for me.  I don’t always agree with him, but I have a feeling he will stay culturally relevant until the day he dies…which is kind of a neat trick. (Ben)

(1) @kanyewest

In Twitter, Kanye has found a way to connect with people on a sincere level. Even though his first few tweets were just ballin’ talk (tweets about his private jet being too small, his affinity for goblets), he eventually hit his stride and started to show people that behind the bravado he is a genuine and genuinely likeable guy. He laughed at himself, writing off his many misspellings by starting the hashtag #itsaprocess and even played off the whole Taylor Swift thing. Speaking of the curly haired one, Kanye used Twitter to finally apologize to Swift in a long, rambling series of tweets (complied here). He was contrite, calling himself “distasteful” and “a 32 year old child.” He went off on some pretty weird tangents, but I found the whole thing to be honest and touching. Oh and then there was also that time he got drunk in Stockholm and let some Swedish girls tweet on his account. (Jason)

What great Twitter users did we miss? Has @FakeCraigFinn surpassed real Craig Finn? Who would win in a fight, Andrew WK or The Iron Sheik? Discuss all this and more in the comments section below, or on Twitter.

(11) Dianita Barrett

It was just a regular day at Miami's Jungle Island - until a “mischievous” monkey provoked a tiger named Mehesh, causing the feline to jump out of his cage into an unsuspecting crowd. Dianita's mother found her daughter face to face with the 507 lb cat, scooped her up and walked away, and apparently the tiger was actually sort of like, “what the fuck am I doing out of my cage?” But little Dianita is the real badass in this story. This girl doesn’t take shit from anyone. She probably doesn’t even strap on her safety harness while riding in the grocery cart with her mom. As for you, Mehesh? Who the hell do you think you are? You’re on the motherfucking JUNGLE ISLAND, where you, my friend, are no longer King of the Jungle. Oh, wait. That’s lions. You were never King of the Jungle. And now you never will be. Dianita, we salute you. (Lauren)

(10) Chariot

Even when he’s playing the lovable bald doof, I’ve always detected a whiff of malice lurking under Rob Corddey’s amiable smile. As secret agent Chariot in Operation: Endgame, Corddry allows that rage to bubble to the burly surface. When Chariot says he’ll rape your soul, I believe him. Sure, he’s a foul-mouthed burn out that’d rather be sneaking booze from a squirt-gun than running ops, but when trapped in a primed-to-explode secret bunker, Chariot will not hesitate to crush a co-workers’ skull. His deathmatch with Magician (Party Down’s Adam Scott) is a confrontation so thrilling and brutal that one could almost forget the two combatants are better known for comedy than killing. It’s a shame how Chariot goes out, or that he goes out at all, because I could watch a whole franchise of Corddry’s badass secret agent drunkenly pounding people. (Jeff)

(9) Bernie Sanders

The term filibuster is basically another way of saying “preventing a vote” or “taking out a vote.”  In the case of Bernie Sanders it means “taking a vote out back and pummeling that son of a bitch for eight hours.” Bernie didn’t technically block Senate action on Obama’s compromised tax bill so you might say this doesn’t qualify, but I’m pretty sure Bernie would tell you to shove that talk right up your Wal-Mart loving ass. Thanks, Bernie.  You’re a badass in my book. (Ben)

(8) Jimmy Darmody

If we’re to believe his cheating hussy of a wife, before he went off to war Jimmy Darmody used to be the sensitive intellectual type, a lover of books and the arts. Lucky for us, and the often plodding Boardwalk Empire, Michael Pitt’s Darmody came back with scars both physical and mental, night terrors, and a hankering for further violence. Darmody provides most of the action in Boardwalk Empire, whether it be hijacking Rothstein delivery trucks, setting traps for rival gangs with his running buddy Al Capone, cutting the occasional throat, or executing a smart-mouthed Italian - it’s all pretty badass. He racks up an impressive body count in Boardwalk’s first season, one to rival even that of a trigger-happy U.S. Marshal you’ll see later on this list. Poised to butt heads with his former benefactor Knucky Thompson in Season 2, it wouldn’t surprise me to see Darmody return to this list next year. (Jeff)

(7) James Harrison

Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison has been fined by the NFL for various illegal hits four times this season for a total of $125,000. After being fined $75,000 for a helmet-to-helmet hit, Harrison was distraught over what he perceived to be a fundamental change in how the league wants the game to be played. The three-time Pro Bowl selection then took two days off to consider retiring from the job that pays him several million dollars a year. Even though he decided to keep playing, he didn’t stop punishing opposing quarterbacks and was subsequently fined $20,000 for a late hit on Saints quarterback Drew Brees, a fine that came just two days after Harrison met with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to talk about his excessive fines. Bad. Ass. (Jason)

(6) John J. Rambo

John Rambo spent the late 60s in the jungle fighting Charlie. He spent the early 70s in captivity. He spent all of the 80s fighting around the world as a one man special ops team. And in 2008, he resurfaced as the only humanitarian worker to wield a .50-cal machine gun. But that’s all in the past. What did Rambo do in 2010 to earn a spot on the prestigious Culture Blues list of badasses? He bested 63 of the toughest bastards in all of 80s action cinema, that’s what he did. Not only was Rambo crowned champion of the inaugural Culture Blues 80s Badass Tournament, he did what even a small army and Alyssa Milano couldn’t, he killed “The Commando” John Matrix in the finals. With this latest honor, the greatest of his storied career, Rambo has once again faded into obscurity, this time for good. Or is it? (Jeremiah)

(5) Noble Six

As the Human-Covenant war of our impending future drew to a close, the unthinkable happened; our enemies discovered Reach, a human planet of incalculable military importance. While the fall of Reach was a terrible loss for the armies of the USNC, it featured a sacrifice that would eventually lead to triumph over our alien enemies. Spartan B312 was already a legend before joining Noble team. On July 24, 2552, he (or she, because Bungie finally let you customize your hero) and the rest of his teammates were deployed to investigate a distress signal originating on Reach. Fortunately for us all, Noble Six (Spartan-B312’s team designation) was capable of overcoming the dire circumstances awaiting him on the surface of Reach, and delivered Cortana, the most precious of AIs, to Captain Keyes on the Pillar Of Autumn. Six was eventually overwhelmed on Reach, but not before becoming its greatest hero. (Giovanny)

(4) Mark Zuckerberg

At 26 years old, Mark Zuckerberg is worth an estimated 6.9 billion dollars and was named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year. If that isn’t badass enough, this year The Social Network showed the world that Zuck earned his fortune largely by screwing people over (including his best friend). Worried about a PR disaster after the movie’s release, Zuck did what any billionaire badass would do: he went on Oprah and announced a 100 million dollar donation to aid public schools. In addition to the movie, Zuckerberg has also faced a litany of criticism for his company’s thirst for user data and general disregard for privacy. In fact, he went as far as to say that privacy is no longer the “social norm.” All in all, Mark Zuckerberg pretty much does whatever the fuck he wants. (Jason)

(3) Raylan Givens

The U.S. Marshal at the heart of FX’s Justified exhibits a smug sense of superiority and self-righteousness that practically begs the bad guys to draw on him. Unfortunately for those bad guys, and fortunately for badass enthusiasts, Raylan Givens doesn’t lose quick draw contests. He’s one of the good guys, but situations, and body counts, have a habit of escalating once he’s on the scene. He (mostly) operates within the rules, but there’s also a deep-seated desire to wipe the criminal element off the face of the earth, almost like a federally appointed Frank Castle. His Boy Scout demeanor and Southern charm can’t hide the seething contempt for himself and the world around him. When his ex-wife calls him the angriest man she’s ever known at the end of the first episode, it seems like an odd distinction for such a clean cut character, but one that the audience will fully understand before the end of the season. (Jeremiah)

(2) Julian Assange

The fact that Julian Assange isn’t every media outlet’s Man Of The Year is beyond me. After all, this man is equal parts Bond villain, urban legend, and digital martyr. Assange is the information age’s Robin Hood, and the fact that the people who hate him are mostly the people who you hate is no coincidence. With his hacking acumen and Wikileaks website, Assange showed the world the shadowy dark side of its governments by releasing confidential documents which exposed, and in some cases embarrassed, the nations and institutions involved. On the global scene, Assange is often depicted as an amoral pariah, yet his site’s existence as watchmen watcher could (and should) be considered a boon, especially when it seems like there is so much being kept from us. Assange’s story is nowhere near finished, and the sexual assault charges currently against him ensure further chapters. (Giovanny)

(1) Michael Cera

Earlier this year during a bizarre comparison to Alex Rodriguez, I suggested that Michael Cera injects “some kind of estrogen cocktail that keeps him thin, hairless, and adorable.” Apparently, the stuff also makes him remarkably badass. The internet began the year in a state of Cera burnout, the blogosphere libeling him with disturbing frequency, often using decidedly unbadass words like “precious” and “effete.” Cera responded to critics of his one-note style with Francois Dillinger in the grossly underrated Youth in Revolt. In Dillinger, Cera was finally able to unleash his inner cigarette-smoking, capri-pants-wearing, arson-committing sociopath. He would follow that up with the nerd wet-dream of Scott Pilgrim vs The World which, while certainly a more typical role for Cera, did involve the doe-eyed Canadian beating up on both Superman and Captain America. That's two badass roles for Cera this year, forcing the world to forget all about the whimsical wimpiness of Paper Heart (he broke up with Charlene Yi last year, likely in preparation for his 2010 Badass campaign). In the real world, Cera continued to be a real stick-in-the-mud about the whole Arrested Development movie, upsetting super-fans with his ambivalent response to the script-less pipe dream. Let’s face it – if the AD movie ever does get made, it’ll likely disappoint and we’ll all wish we’d listened to Michael Cera and let the dream die. Michael Cera, ladies and gentlemen – wide-eyed hipster, the rich man’s Jesse Eisenberg, and our Badass of the Year. (Jeff)

These are our favorite badasses of the year, and if you don't like it, how's about we meet in a dark alley somewhere? Or you can just let your displeasure (or pleasure) known through civilized e-discourse in the comments section below. Suck on that.

Say your prayers and eat your performance enhancing supplements.

After my first installment of this countdown there was a lot of controversy, and I’m pretty sure a group of Demolition fans slashed the tires of my car.  Regardless, I have pressed on and finished the countdown.

If I thought about this long enough, I’m sure I could find some themes I left out that could very well warrant a position in the top twenty.  The lack of Macho Man here seems almost sacrilegious, but to be honest I just never really dug his entrance music.  At the end of the day this is just one dude’s opinion.  After taking a look at the list as a whole there was one thing that alarmed me: a complete lack of WCW wrestlers.  This is odd, as I was actually way more into WCW than WWF/WWE for most of my wrestling viewership.  I guess WCW just didn’t have much in the way of memorable themes.  Before I get started on the final ten of this countdown, here’s a few winners of other obsessive pro wrestling lists that the editors wouldn’t let me run on this website.

Best Manager’s Prop That Was Frequently Used To Bash People Over The Head (a very heated category) – Jimmy Hart’s megaphone

Weirdest Text Messages Sent Before Murdering Their Entire Family – Chris Benoit

Best Chairshot To Brock Lesnar’s Face – This one

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s get down to the top ten, shall we?

10. Roddy Piper

There are many incarnations of Roddy’s theme music over the years, this happens to be my favorite one.  There’s nothing too fancy about it, but it is iconic as all get out.  Piper was a hell of a bagpipes player himself, thus making him one of the only wrestlers who could ever play their own theme music.  As someone pointed out in the comments section yesterday, this opened up for some pretty spectacular entrances, including a few famous ones with a full bagpipes band.  Roddy is proof positive that you don’t have to be a great physical specimen to make it in this business.  His surly attitude served him well for many years, and when you heard that music play you always knew you were in for an entertaining segment.

9. Vince McMahon

For as successful as WCW was with anti-establishment storylines, Vince really tapped into something in the mid 90’s.  People hated authority, and they hated it a lot.  So he ran with it, and made the Vince McMahon character into a much more exaggerated and even more power hungry version of himself.  His theme song No Chance in Hell captured this perfectly.  A lot of people point to Austin as the biggest reason for the WWE overtaking WCW, and rightly so, but he couldn’t have done it without his foil Mr. McMahon.

He's cool, he's cocky, he's bad

8. The Honkey Tonk Man

Just…watch this.

You’re welcome.

7. The Undertaker

When The Undertaker switched from goth to biker I almost threw up.  By the time he switched back I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to wrestling anymore, but it still made me sigh with relief.  During the biker era he came out to American Badass by Kid Rock, and Rollin’ by Limp Bizkit.  Talk about some theme music mismanagement!  I might have been the only kid in the world that rejoiced when Taker beat Hogan for the world title in one of his first matches many many years ago.  His original theme was maybe the most haunting entrance song ever and often accompanied by minions with torches.  I wish I could have put him higher, but the top six are a pretty impressive group.

6. The New World Order

The nWo was without a doubt the greatest storyline in the history of pro wrestling.  If you have an argument against that…just shut up.  A trio of former WWF wrestlers (Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash) said that they were going to invade WCW, and they most certainly did.  Watching the telecasts on a week to week basis, it felt as close to a war as pro wrestling has ever seen.  Even Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, an announcer known for constantly sticking up for the bad guy, never had a kind word to say about the nWo.  Even though you knew the storyline would never end with WCW out of business (something Vince took care of years later) there seemed to be a realistic threat of the company being completely overrun by Hogan’s goons and politics.  The theme is one of the only worthwhile ones to come out of WCW, and it seemed to open every single Nitro.  It was always a telltale sign that shit was about to hit the fan, or that Scott Hall was going to be drunk on camera.

5. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin

Speaking of shit hitting the fan, there are few more recognizable theme songs than Stone Cold Steve Austin’s.  Whenever hope was running out for the good guys, whenever the fans got downtrodden, that glass would shatter over the PA and people would immediately rise to their feet as if trained to do so.  And then, as Jim Ross would say, he would strike everything that by God moves.  In Stone Cold’s Hall of Fame induction Vince McMahon said that he was the greatest WWE superstar of all time, and despite my own personal dislike for him, maybe Vince was right.

Sometimes it's fun to just stop and think: these are grown-ups.

4. Shawn Michaels

I am amazed to this day that Shawn Michaels has managed to stick with this corny ass theme for as long as he has, and that’s one of the reasons it is this high up on the list.  It is recognizable, it has stood the test of time, and it is utterly ridiculous.  You will excuse me if I’m just a tad sick of it, as Jeremiah enters most staff meetings to this track, pyro and all.

3. Hulk Hogan

I don’t care whether you liked Hogan or not.  I don’t care if you were a wrestling fanatic, or only had a passing interest in the sport.  It’s hard to hear I Am a Real American without getting at least one single goosebump.  In retrospect it’s really funny how bummed out the fans got when Hogan was getting his ass kicked in the middle of a match.  It's as if they thought for a moment that Hogan might possibly lose.  LOL.  It really is too bad that Hulk was such a manipulative prick backstage, and more or less contradicted everything that this song and his on-camera image stood for.  But hey, this shit is catchy!

2. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase

I wish I could put this as number one, I really do.  But alas, I cannot.  Just the same, this theme represents everything I love about pro wrestling in the 80’s and early 90’s.  It was not only entrance music, but a full and detailed explanation of his gimmick.  Here are some excerpts:

“Everybody has a price.”

“Some might cost a little.  Some might cost a lot.  But I’m the Million Dollar Man, and you will be bought.”

“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Just brilliant stuff.  I frequently enjoyed how his gimmick was often used to crush the spirits of young people.  Just when they started to believe in someone, perhaps bought their lunch box, The Million Dollar Man would basically buy their hero’s services and thus kids got their first taste of how cruel the world could be.

I flirted with a few different people for this top spot, but the more I thought about it the answer became pretty obvious…

Winner

1. Ric Flair

This dude was a limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin' and dealin’ son of a gun…WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  Sorry, got a bit carried away there.  This doesn’t have anything to do with his theme music, but for God's sake check out this sick dance mix.  I just wish that more people would get it when I stumble around drunk and randomly scream, “NOT THE ROAD WARRIORS!  NOT THE FREEBIRDS!”

Flair’s theme music was also the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and it fit him like a glove.  Whether Flair was good or bad, cocky or charming, he always had a regal quality about him and this song captured that perfectly.  Ric will always be a showman, probably the best in the history of the “sport” and I get the feeling that he will have to literally die in order to become fully retired.

Well there you have it, the top twenty in the books.  How would you have ranked these differently?  Feel free to let Ben know how much you hate his selections in the comments section!