Save me.

My love of comic books goes back as far as I can remember.  For as fantastic and ungrounded as many of these stories are, there is something profoundly real about a good super hero story.  Comic book writers have a lot more license to build a story than most movie or television writers, and that’s maybe why the genre did not have a lot of original material hit the big screen for some time.  When Spider-Man or Batman movies hit a theater, there is already a dedicated fan base who don’t need a thorough introduction.  Even if you’ve never read a comic book, you know who these guys are.  Such is the challenge of trying to introduce new heroes to a medium that does not allow for a great deal of depth.  The answer?  Television.  Instead of a two hour movie, these characters can have a twelve hour season to introduce themselves.  It seems like a good idea, right?  Well unfortunately everyone has told me that the next two shows I’m about to watch are complete shit!  Let’s find out.

Here’s what people have been saying during the Two Shows Enter Superhero Edition media day:

“Something something Punisher something something” – Jeremiah White, Culture Blues Editor (I wasn’t really paying attention)

“My super power is convincing network executives to give me money.” – Tom Wheeler, creator of The Cape

Heroes

I have watched ads for Heroes for years; everything from “Save the Cheerleader, save the world” to that really creepy guy that liked to touch other heroes on the arm.  I always thought it looked like it might be alright, but never watched an episode.  I am watching the first episode in the series.  Here we go!

Maybe the one that can actually do something cool, like fly, took this picture

-Text at the beginning of the show informs us that all across the world there are people developing super powers, and in the end they will save the world.  I have two problems with this.  One, this whole episode shows that people are developing super powers, thus rendering the text unnecessary (-1 point) and two....don’t tell me how stuff is going to end! (-3 points)  Of course I assume the heroes save the day, but part of the tension is leaving that in doubt.

-Nice out of context quote here: “Therefore, God is a cockroach” (+1 point)

-Nice out of context booty on Ali Larter!  Hiyo!  (+2 points)

-Try to deal with the absurdity of your brother coming up to you and saying, “Listen, this is serious…I believe I can fly!” (-2 points)

-Here’s a sidebar off of that last point.  How come there are so many pop songs about the power of flight, but none about any other super powers?  I think “I believe I can move shit with my mind” would be a great R Kelly track.

-So there’s this Asian guy who moves time back by one second, and then runs around the office celebrating in a very frantic way.  I chuckled (+2 points)

-The show has good pacing (+6 points) which I believe is one of the most important aspects of a show with a lot of characters.  We meet several prospective heroes and we see enough of them to get interested, but I was still left wanting in a good way.

-Legitimately cool super power: this one dude blacks out and paints future events. (+2 point)  The art is pretty jarring.

-There is a politician character that I recognized, and I couldn’t figure out where he was from.  And then it hit me!  He is in softcore porn on Cinemax.  So there’s that.

-One of the things I kept thinking as I watched this show was, “I really wish this was on HBO” (-3 points) The show tries to be gritty a few times and just embarrasses itself.

-Cliffhanger ending with the guy who is convinced he can fly jumping off a building, only to be saved by his brother who seems like he actually can fly.  Meh.  (-1 point)

Total: 3 points

My analysis is that this is a show that really could have been great if it ever had the courage to be, but probably never did.  Well that seems rather unfair after one episode, doesn’t it?  That’s kind of my schtick.

The Cape

The primary difference between this show and Heroes is the focus is a little smaller.  It is about one hero cleaning up a city, instead of several saving up the world.  This show was hyped to the goddamn moon and I really fear the worst here.  In this episode The Cape must battle a villain named Chess as he tries to take over Palm City’s jails.

The episode could have gotten twice as many points with this guy

-Vinnie Jones’ name was in the credits! (+1 point)

-In the opening scene our hero breaks up a robbery, and inflicts way more financial damage to the store than the criminals were trying to take from the register.  So, there’s that. (-1 point)  But on the plus side The Cape’s cape is pretty cool. (+1 point)  Does that make sense?  Anyway, it reaches out like a snake and snatches dude’s gun.

-Intro of the show has a comic book feel.  This makes me happy.  (+1 point)

-As I said a few paragraphs ago, Peter Fleming (super villain alias “Chess”) is slowly taking over the city and is now looking to privatize the jail system and presumably do something super evil.  There is one city council member that is standing in his way.  And of course the bad guys are out to kill him.  Joining Chess is Cain, a creepy French assassin.  I like these two villains (+3 points), and I can only assume that Vinnie (who did not appear) is solid as well.  I like the idea that they are building a good rogues’ gallery for our hero.

-I have heard from several people that the dialogue on this show is awful and cheesy.  I will respectfully disagree.  I will call it fun and cheesy (+2 points).  I am huge critic of bad dialogue, and I think this stuff is not bad.  It’s playful without becoming eye-roll worthy.

-Our hero, played by David Lyons, is pretty solid (+2 points).  He doesn’t blow me away but he does the job.  He kind of reminds me of a poor man’s Nathan Fillion.

-And speaking of our hero, his real name is Vince Faraday and while The Cape is busting heads Vince is presumed dead and also accused of some major crimes.  The storyline that involves his wife and child took up a lot of screen time in this episode and I didn’t really care (-2 points).  I would have taken off more points, but one day the moment where his son gets to say “I told you Dad was a super hero and is still alive” might be kind of gratifying.

-Imagine the absurdity of a man writing the equivalent of this in a notebook: “I must become immune to fish toxins” and you will understand why there are certain parts of this show that make me shake my head (-3 points).

-Some decent drama around the closing scene where The Cape is trying to keep that city council member alive (+2 points).  Cain is trying to poison his dinner and is ultimately foiled, and the privatization of the jail system does not go through.  But Chess and Cain will be back, I’m sure.  A note to the director: never use the “super hero vanishes out of thin air smoke bomb” animation ever again for the love of god (-1 point).  That was awful.

Total: 5 points

I might actually watch this again.  But probably not.

Final Score: The Cape (1-0) defeats Heroes (0-1) by a final score of 5 to 3.

MVP

Culture Blues’ intern caught up with MVP David Lyons in the locker room for a post game interview and he had this to say: “I’m pretty stoked to take home this honor.  There was a lot of competition from Ali Larter’s butt, but in the end I came out on top.”

TSE Stats Department Factoid: Of the 13 editions of Two Shows Enter, this is the fifth time that both shows have ended with positive points.

Get some!

For many years it seemed that reality television shows always had an end goal.  Whether it was to end up the last one voted off, or to take home your very own shallow tan person, contestants always had something to strive for.  But we knew the truth, didn’t we?  It was really all just an excuse to get a bunch of people drunk and see what happened.  Sure, The Real World knew what it was, but most shows have danced around their true nature.  Say what you will about these next two programs, but they really get right down to the meat and potatoes of the reality show viewing experience.  There are a lot of young people that we don’t like very much, and they are acting a fool.

Let’s check out some sound bites from the Two Shows Enter Drunken Debauchery media week:

“I remember back in the day when all you had to do to be a villain was eat your boogers and treat homosexuals poorly.  Things sure have changed.” – Puck, Real World Cast Member

“Ben, you drink enough to be on some of these shows.  You’re just not very good looking.” – Brandon Wisch, my friend

The Bad Girls Club

Jeff asked me last week “wtf is Bad Girls Club” and my response was, “busty girls punching each other.” You might think to yourself that maybe my summary was unfair, or perhaps not descriptive enough.  Pretty sure I pegged it just fine.  Thanks to the good people at Hulu, I have selected the first episode I came across which is called “The Wicked Witch of Key West”.

-On the last episode of the Bad Girls Club!  Lesbians!  Promise rings!  Booze!  Swearing!  Tipped over plants!  Holy fucking crap! (+2 points) Let’s do this!

-We start this episode at the end, with one girl punching another one right in the head.  And then the white text on the bottom of the screen informs us that we will now flashback “48 hours earlier” (-2 points). I imagine the director being entirely too proud of himself for pulling this out of the ol’ cinematic toolbox.

They look so peaceful in this picture

-So anyway a bunch of unbearable girls live together in a really nice house.  That’s our premise.  This particular episode is about two of the most unbearable girls in the house, Kristen and Lea, and the destruction of their friendship.  Now I will do my very own foreshadowing.  By the time this episode is over, I will encounter the best quote in Two Shows Enter history.

-There is a lesbian in the house, and you can tell that she is almost gleeful over the prospect of her girlfriend going to Vegas.  She acts upset, but deep down you get the feeling that she is about to use this as an excuse to sleep with as many people as she possibly can.  Her interview segments are consistently whiny and annoying. (-3 points)

-Is thong censorship really necessary? (-1 point)

-All the girls go out in Key West, and proceed to get completely bombed.  It’s good for more than one chuckle as they consistently talk shit about how drunk the other girls are, as they are literally falling over themselves. (+2 points)

-Blurry drunk cam.  LOL. (+1 point)

-Several guys attempt to pick up the housemates, and more than one of them are uncomfortably creepy.  Take Mike.  He follows around Kristen (blonde, fake boobs, alcoholic) for the entire night shoving drinks in her face and as soon as she says that she doesn’t want to go home with him he informs her that he’s going to go find a girl that wants to hook up.  And he signed the waiver for his face to be on this show.  “Hey Mom, turn on Oxygen tonight.  I look like a big time rapist!”

-Oh yeah, by the way…this show is on Oxygen.  You know, the women’s channel.  (+1 point for irony)

-After all the build-up that the clash between Kristen and Lea had, it’s pretty disappointing. (-3 points) Basically Kristen throws one punch, and immediately goes into the fetal position and starts crying.  She learned at the Van Iten dojo.

-When Kristen comes back to the house to apologize, Lea takes drastic action.  This leads us to a pretty amazing quote.  “I guess me and Lea’s friendship wasn’t what I thought it was.  She just threw a fan at my head.” (+9 points) I mean, she really did.  And not just a tiny desk fan.  Thanks to some impressive direction, we get to see the fan falling in slow motion.  Just a great clip.

-There really is no one to root for on this show, just a bunch of spoiled brats who have no connection to reality whatsoever.  The show provided a few hilarious moments, but all of that wore off eventually. (-4 points) In the coming attractions we see that all the temporary alliances that were forged over this Kristen debacle have already dissolved and the remaining housemates are pulling each other’s hair and throwing wild drunken punches in no time.

Total: 2 points

It always sounds like a funny idea to watch some of these shows, but at some point during the episode I always end up hating myself.  Moving on!

The Jersey Shore

It is a testament to how popular this show is that I am so familiar with it despite having never seen an episode.  It is of course a disgrace to the human race at the same time.  Alright Snooki and Situation (what?), The Bad Girls Club ended up in the positive digits which surprised TSE fans everywhere; do you have what it takes to be almost watchable?  I’m about to find out.  Presented for my viewing pleasure on the MTV website is episode 2 of season 2, entitled “The Hangover.” Oh Christ you already lose points for that bullshit title. (-3 points)

-My first glimpse of the Jersey Shore cast is Ronnie, who looks like a big-time genius by the way, coming home from the bar after making out with like ten girls and bragging to his friends that he’s about to go sleep in his ex-girlfriend’s bed.  Classy! (-1 point)

-At first Snooki seems almost adorable, sort of like a legless dog in one of those little dog wheelchairs.  She seems helpless. She doesn’t know how to clean the floor after spilling food.  She doesn’t know how paper towels work.  I can’t bring myself to add or subtract points here.

-I thought coming in that “The Situation” would be my least favorite character, but in a shocking turn of events he’s easily my favorite.  After some of his more helpless housemates drop the night’s dinner on the floor they ask him what to do and he says, “I dunno, pick up the chicken dawg.”  (+2 points) Awesome.

-Ronnie quickly descends into even more douchey territory by pretending that he can’t remember anything from the night before, despite appearing completely functional.  “Oh I’m just so hungover!”  We all have these friends, and secretly we want something terrible to happen to them. (-5 points)

-But he’s not done folks! “I’m going to lie to her to protect her.” (-1 point)  I mean honestly, I don’t care about his girlfriend, but does he not realize that THIS IS GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION!?!

-Oh, Snooki.  She buys shades with so many jewels that she can’t even see while driving. (+2 points)

How bad is it? This is my favorite cast member.

-Situation continues to steal the show.  When ordering food he refers to himself as “The Situation” and seems surprised that the takeout place doesn’t know what he’s saying.   He also insists that his name is spelled in all caps. (+2 points) Awesome.

-Before going out he refers to his tank-top as “The shirt before the shirt.” (+2 points) Awesome.

-Situation is a hilarious caricature of a douchebag, while Ronnie is an actual compulsively lying shady piece of human garbage douchebag.  Besides Snooki, none of the other cast members really stand out at all.  I’m having a hard time remembering their names (-3 points)

-Before the episode ends, we have our mandatory reality show slap to the face.  Angelina nails one of the dudes for trying to get with a married chick at the club.  Yawn. (-1 point)

Total: -6 points

The Bad Girls Club (1-0) Defeats The Jersey Shore (0-1) by a final of 2 to -6.

MVP

Culture Blues caught up game MVP Lea to get her comments, and she had this to say: “I threw a fan at a girl’s head.”  Yes Lea, yes you did.

What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve thrown at someone?  And who is your favorite Jersey Shore cast member?  Let us know in the comments section.

Team Softcore

I have seen the first Twilight movie, and I wasn’t all that impressed. I realize I am not part of its target market, but the whole concept seemed like such a cheap money grab to me from the books on up. Vampires have always been crazy sex fiends, but only recently have they become poetry reading cuddle bugs. Maybe this is just evolution as they find new ways to get into the pants of modern women, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. So in the tradition of this column, I have decided to punish myself by watching two television shows about vampires. I have heard good things about True Blood and have only groaned at Vampire Diaries commercials. The former has positive critical reception; the latter seems only too happy to scoop up sloppy seconds from women who masturbate to the Twilight movies. The outcome seems clear, but as Fringe’s upset over The X-Files showed us, anything can happen in the Two Shows Enter arena.

Here’s what people have been saying about the  first annual Two Shows Enter Bloodsucker Bowl:

“Hey ladies. So, who is on team Damon? Anyone? Fuck.” – Ian Somerhalder, Actor (Vampire Diaries)

“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – that teenage girl down the street.

The Vampire Diaries

Before doing any research into this show, I had a theory. I envisioned someone pitching this idea to the network as a bunch of young people falling in and out of love with each other, and stirring up drama. The distinguished folks at the CW said, “not interested” and the creators came back with “but what if they were vampires!” The suits huddled for a few moments and then announced, “now you’re cooking with gas.” But it turns out this show is based on a series of novels where, and brace yourself for this, a human woman falls in love with a vampire and then ends up in a love triangle! Well, someone drive a stake through my heart now, I’m going in.

-This episode is called “Let the Right One In” (-3 points). You know, like the movie. Ugh.

-One of the first sentences uttered in this episode is “Dracula was a wuss.” (-2 points)  So far this show is not endearing itself to me.

-But alas I have found something I can appreciate. When these vampires go out in the day light, they don’t sparkle! They just feel pain and potentially die. Now that’s some old school vampire shit I can believe in.  (+3 points)

-Quick breakdown. The lead character is a girl named Elena, and she is in love with a vampire named Stefan. Stefan also has a rather sinister brother named Damon who you just get the feeling might become a good guy eventually and try to win Elena’s love. Why would you get that feeling?  Because you read the spoilers on Wikipedia. Alright, let’s continue.

If the sky ever looks like this, the person you're with might be a vampire

-In most cinema, television or books that feature outcast fantasy characters (mutants, vampires, etc) there is always a struggle over how to deal with the average humans. The Vampire Diaries is no different. There is a scene where we see two vampires with different ideologies. One of them wants to maintain peace with the outside world, and one of them wants to seek revenge on everyone. A good way to spot the latter is to look for the guy who is talking cryptically to himself and brandishing a knife.

-And holy crap out of nowhere Stefan (the nice brother) is stabbed in the guts while taking a walk in the woods! We have action.  (+2 points)

-For the record, I can spot all the vampires before they identify themselves and/or show their fangs. (-1 point)

-Here’s a campy quote from brother Damon: “How long are you going to hold it against me for turning your birth mother into a vampire?” (-6 points)  Oh, you’re the sarcastic one! Yeah, that was written into the script. And then someone said it.

-Another thing I will own up to liking, the rule that a vampire can’t go into a house unless he’s invited. (+3 points)  The best scene in the episode just might be Damon coming to save his brother from being tortured, but the owner of the house won’t let him in so he just has to watch it.  Damon’s solution is of course to lure the owner outside, and snap her neck.  See, these are solutions.  (+2 points)

-Subplot about a whiny douche who wants this girl to turn him into a vampire. It’s hard to care less about this than I do right now. (-3 points)

-A big battle ensues between vampires both good and bad, and surprisingly the action isn’t half bad.  (+1 point)

-Elena saves her hunky bloodsucker boy toy by letting him bite her wrist as he's lying on his death bed. It’s kind of an awkward scene, but not out of place.  I think I’ll just keep the score where it is.

Total Score: -4 points

Overall it was a little better than I thought it’d be.  But really, some pretty awful stuff there.

True Blood

There are a lot of reasons why I feel like this will be a better show, but at the top of that list is simply the channel that it is on. HBO doesn’t let me down very often. I’m in the middle of The Wire right now, and am more than captivated. In the past and present I have enjoyed Oz, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Carnivale, Band of Brothers and I’m sure I’m forgetting others. My expectations aren’t exactly high, as I have struggled to find any vampire related fiction I enjoy, but I’m hopeful for some social commentary and a unique take on the genre. I will be watching the season two premiere.

-About two minutes into the run time I see that a woman has been brutally murdered and her heart has been removed. Alright! (+1 point)

-There is a very interesting dynamic at work on this show, in the sense that everyone is aware that vampires exist (+3 points). This is nice, as we don’t have to waste time on the obligatory “This can’t be happening!  There’s no such thing as vampires!” business.

"Sometimes I like to just sit around and do the evil hands thing."

-One thing that is bugging me early on is how uneven the performances seem. Some of the actors are playing it straight, and some are just being over the top campy (-2 points). I don’t mind the campy stuff, I feel like it has its place in this genre, but the shift in tone is kind of disorienting.

-The good news is Rogue from the X-Men movies (Anna Paquin) is on this show (+1 point). The bad news is she seems to be in a love triangle as well. Hey, why the fuck not! (-5 points)

-One character matter of factly asks another, “Did you seriously drain a 17 year old girl?” and that’s in a nutshell the difference between this show and the last one. Despite my earlier comment about tone shifts, this line doesn’t seem ridiculous in this context somehow, or even amusing. They have built a world where you can just say shit like that and it doesn’t even make you do a double take.  (+2 points)

-My desire for political implications has been satisfied (+3 points). We see clips from a cable news talk show, where a human and a vampire are debating various issues. It kind of makes me wish Glenn Beck would do a cameo, break out his chalk board, and just get nuts about the vampire problem.

-The direction is more visually interesting than I thought it would be.  (+2 points)  Several of the scene transitions are skillfully done, with parallels to the previous sequence just present enough where you notice, but not too obvious that you groan.

-Pretty entertaining scene where a newly confirmed vampire is being given the O challenge, and forced to try different kinds of blood to identify them (+2 point).

-One of the main plots of the show is that Anna Paquin’s character, a telepathic waitress, falls for Bill, a badass vampire. Their complete lack of chemistry is a problem (-4 points).

-We end the show as we started it, with a bunch of gore. This time we get to see the actual murder, and it is pretty intense (+2 points).

Total Score: 5 points

I was pretty confused during this one, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m watching a show out of context, and I’m glad it didn’t try to constantly dumb itself down for new viewers. But I can definitely understand how people get into True Blood, I just don’t think I’ll make the effort.

True Blood (1-0) defeats The Vampire Diaries (0-1) by a final score of 5 to -4.

MVP

Culture Blues caught up with MVP and True Blood creator Alan Ball, who had this to say: “If Mummies ever get hip, I got a show for that too. You bet your ass.”

Join me next time when two previously victorious shows make their return to the battlefield.

Was Ben too hard on the Vampire Diaries or not hard enough?  Have you ever fed on human blood?  Let us know in the comments section.

It's the Desperation Bowl!!!

The human race has a lot to be proud of.  We have harnessed fire, created breakfast sandwiches with syrup inside of the bread, and managed to stick around for a while.  All in all, we’ve had a good run.  But if I were kidnapped by a highly skilled alien reconnaissance team and forced to answer for some of our greater atrocities I would be left speechless.  If the head of the alien tribunal asked me to explain these two television programs all I could do is shrug.  And then bust out the laser blaster I’m obviously keeping in my shoe and break out of there.  Maybe we’ve gotten off track here.  But the point is this shit is terrible.  I know that going in.  If anyone ever questions my dedication to this website, let’s strap them down and make them watch all this.

Here’s what people have been saying about Two Shows Enter Skanks Edition:

“So basically we make these girls think they’re competing for my love, but the winner actually has to take me on in a fist fight.  We’ll call it Hart Attack.  Check your local listings.” – Jeff Hart, Editor of Cultureblues.com

“A lot of guys ask me how to get laid more, and I usually tell them to go back in time and join a terrible band and then wear a ridiculous bandana to try to salvage their lost youth.  Other than that, I don't know what to tell ya.” – Bret Michaels, lead singer of Poison

Rock of Love

I’ll be honest; I haven’t even made an effort to keep an open mind about these shows.  But even if I would have tried, some of these episode titles would have negated that.  I have so many gems to choose from.  How about “The Rose and the Thorn” or “Show Me Your Hits”?  Clever stuff.  But the episode I have settled on today is from the first season and it’s called “First Annual Bret’s Mudbowl” because why not.  I’m going to go get a drink.

-The show starts with a clip package of what has happened previously on this season.  After seeing fifteen seconds of this my first thought: oh no.  (-2 points)

-I’m just going to say for the record that I’m not going to try to keep all of these girls straight.  There’s like five blondes with a big rack and I’m just not going to bother.  Regardless, one of them is telling the camera that she can’t wait to finally get to know Bret.  You know, the guy whose love they are desperately competing for (-4 points).  Keep in mind that we are several episodes into the season.  SKANKS!

-There is one part of my brain that knows that all of this is very wrong, but at the same time there’s another part that’s like “oh hey, it’s a bunch of girls playing tackle football in the mud!  Hooray!” (+2 points)

Best midlife crisis ever

-The girls divide into two teams, and the MVP of the winning team gets a solo date with Bret.  Could the stakes be any higher?!?

-There is a girl named Jes, and let me just take this moment to address her parents.  Why not just throw another s in her name?  Seriously, she’s going to get that misspelled her whole filthy skank life just so you can feel unique.  I hope you’re happy.  Plus the fact that you’re reading this column means you’ve really hit rock bottom.  So congrats on that.  But on the plus side, she seems to be the only girl so far I remotely like. (+1 point)

-And why do I like her, you ask?  She’s fierce as all get out.  During the football game she tackles this annoying redhead and almost breaks her ankle. (+5 points)

-This is a pretty official football game.  You know how I know that?  The score is 2 to 1.  Yep.  (-1 point)

-Jes gets her one-on-one date with Bret, and he drops this gem: “I lost my eyes in her funniness.”  What the hell does that even mean? (-3 points)

-Sometimes during a reality television show there is a moment so unbelievable that I just need to pause it for a moment and digest what I've just seen.  I aimlessly stare out the window and reflect about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  That happened during this episode when one of the skanks called another one a “star fucker.”  Let me repeat that.  One of the girls who applied to be on a reality TV show without even knowing which one it was going to be, and then proceeded to ruthlessly pursue a washed up asshole on command, called another one a “star fucker.”  It was a truly amazing moment.  I don’t know whether to add points, subtract them, or just take a shit.  It took a lot of soul searching but the decision is as follows.  (-1 point)

-It’s common place in shows like these to have liquor in the background at pretty much all times.  How else can these skanks show their true skank potential unless they are transformed into drunken dramatic finger wagging skanks?  Shots!

-Several of the girls say to the camera that they are masterminds, and are slowly manipulating Bret to throw girls off of the show.  I mean, they understand that he’s going to watch this some day, right?  Yeah?  Alright.  This sucks.  (-2 points)

-On top of writing and singing terrible music, Bret can also write god awful poetry that sounds like it was from the mind of a five year old that just learned how to rhyme. (-1 point)

-Bret takes a bunch of the girls to the shooting range, and Magdalena pretty much destroys every target.  Her body type, skills with a pistol, and European accent seem to put her on the fast track to becoming a James Bond Villian.  Or she’ll just end up doing porn because she has no actual life skills.  Either way, impressive shooting! (+2 points)

-It’s time for the Rock of Love version of the Rose ceremony.  Hold onto your butts!

-In the end he kicks Erin out, mostly because he’s jealous of the fact that she works with other celebrities and his ego can’t handle it.  Erin does what every reality show loser does, and that is act like they were never interested in the first place.  Go home skank!

Total: -4 points

Better than expected, and yet a completely abysmal viewing experience!

Flavor of Love

VH1 (or “the drunk people behaving poorly network”) really hit a gold mine with this genre.  Flavor of Love combines just the right amount of morbid curiosity with ridiculous drama to reel in a fairly large audience.  The set up is the same as the last show: women competing in droves to be a notch on the belt of someone who hasn’t been relevant for over a decade.  But unlike the last show, we’re going to take a look at the cream of the crop.  We’re going to take a look at the season two finale as Flavor Flav has narrowed the field down to two.

-Like the last show, we start with a recap clip parade. Flavor Flav apparently took a girl on a date to KFC.  Brilliant. (+1 point)

Culture Blues regular Ackypoo will say something offensive about this

-The two women waging epic battle are season one runner-up Tiffany Pollard, nicknamed “New York”, and Chandra Davis, aka “Deelishis”.  Haha, alright.

-Upon leaving the set of the show, New York’s parents do what any self respecting parent would do in this situation.  They cry at what has become of their daughter.  It’s a strangely poignant moment full of disappointment, anger, regret, and hilarity.  I mean, I’m laughing anyway. (+ 3 points)

-When Flavor Flav narrates he yells even the most mundane sentences.  It’s pretty annoying. (-2 point)

-We have our first use of the term “nappy ass weave”. (+2 points)  I doubt it will be the last.

-Do not watch this show on a full stomach.  When Mr. Flav makes out with these girls, it looks like he’s consuming their entire face.  Gross. (-3 point)

-He has two solo dates in Belize to figure this shit out.  The first one is with Deelishis.  Being the romantic that he is, Flavor expresses “I love the way you grab on me.”  Aww! (-1 point)

-He can’t get her dress off because of a stubborn zipper, so in a hilarious moment our man takes out a HUGE KNIFE and literally cuts it off of her (+2 points).  Seriously, you couldn’t script this if you tried.  I’m rooting for Deelishis at this point.  Wow, I just typed that.

-Next up is his date with New York.  And let me tell you, this girl is insane.  She starts telling him that she’s going to take charge of his life and plan the entire thing out.  It doesn’t go over well.  Being the feminist that he is, Flavor reminds her that she’s getting “out of place” and that he gives the orders.  Eventually she apologizes profusely.  I’m not sure if her original statement or the groveling apology is more pathetic, but probably the latter. (-3 points)

-Lots of atmosphere for the final decision, he tells the girls to meet him at the end of a dock.  There is rain, thunder, and lightning.  Basically, it was a dark and slutty night.

-He chooses Deelishis (+2 points) and then a hilarious bleep fest ensues (+1 point) where New York just repeatedly yells “why did you shit on me!?!”  And much like in our first show, she yells that she’s glad to be leaving.

-Flavor Flav once again shows how gifted he is with words.  He takes the lucky lady’s hand, gazes into her eyes, and says “This TV show is about finding what I want to find.”  Just poetry in motion.  It’d be funny if all of a sudden the realization hit her and she was like, “Oh my god, you look like a gremlin” and just ran off.

Total: 2 points

A lot of this comedy isn’t intentional, but it’s comedy nonetheless.

Flavor of Love (1-0) defeats Rock of Love (0-1) by a final score of 2 to -4.

MVP (and poet)

Culture Blues caught up with the MVP of the match, and when asked about the hard fought victory Flavor Flav had this to say: “It is my hypothesis that this show is a true reflection of our societies shifting social norms when it comes to dating, and the troubling double standard we have for women.  Also...FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVA FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAV!”

What celebrity would you compete for?  What would you call a reality show about yourself seeking love?  Let us know in the comments section.

Originator vs. Imitator

Every week that I do this there is always one television show that is inevitably fighting an uphill battle.  It's human nature really, I come into this with certain prejudices and biases just like any other person who writes a column about two shows battling each other to the death in fictional combat.  One of the only times I was surprised by an outcome was King of Queens coming out on top in the Syndicated Sitcom Triple Threat.  Perhaps no show has ever had a tougher hill to climb than Fringe as it takes on one of the staples of my childhood, The X-Files.  Our intern has confirmed that shows with ex-stars of Dawson’s Creek are 0-1 in this column as well.  It’s really not looking good.

Here’s what people have been quoted as saying about the Two Shows Enter Sci-Fi Showdown week.

“The X-Files taking on the Fox Network as a member of the SyFy schedule is a lot like Brett Favre coming back to Lambeau to play the Packers as the Vikings QB.  Except no one really gives a shit.” – Dave Howe, SyFy Channel President.

“As long as I can come out of this with obscure references that only a small amount of people will get on facebook, I think we’ve all won.” – Colin Tyler, Computer Programmer

Fringe

I will admit that I don’t know all that much about this show.  I have seen a few commercials, and have come away uninspired.  Regardless, the Fox website has informed me that the show hinges on the idea that there are several realities in existence, parallel dimensions if you will.  This seems right in my nerd wheelhouse.  The main characters are part of a special FBI unit that examines “unexplained cases.”  I’m intrigued to see how Fringe deals with its inevitable supernatural tie-ins.  Will they try to find a way to explain these occurrences in the context of our world, or just let the cases stand for themselves?

-The episode is called “Brown Betty” because that is the name of the concoction of illegal drugs that Dr. Walter Bishop, one of the show’s main characters, created and ingested.

A shitty actor, in any dimension

-Television dramas often deal with estranged relationships between father and son, but I bet you’ve never seen one where the cause of the problem was that the son died, and the father took an alternate version of that boy from another dimension so he could deal with his grief, and years later the son finds out.  Wait, what?  Such is the plight of Walter Bishop.  Anyway, I’m intrigued. (+3 points)

-As quickly as I am intrigued, most of my enthusiasm immediately vanishes. (-3 points)  It seems that most of the episode is going to be Bishop telling a made-up story to some little girl who is naturally well spoken and says cutesy ironic things at the drop of a hat.  Why can’t the kid just be stupid just one time?  Eat paste goddamnit!

-Because the good doctor is high on drugs, his story has some surreal aspects.  My favorite one is a group of corpses that come to life out of nowhere and sing a catchy little number mid scene (+4 points).  I laughed aloud.

-The tale seems to be an allegory for things that are happening in Bishop’s real life, but yeah, stop it.  Why aren’t we just moving the story forward?  This seems rather pointless.  I’m not going to mark off too much yet; we’ll give it a chance to get somewhere.  (-2 point)

-Once again they have calmed me down with a bizarre singing scene.  Well played, Fringe.  Well played.  (+1 point)

-Walter’s alternate universe son, Peter, went missing upon the revelation that he wasn’t from the plane of existence he currently resides in.  And I get that; I’d probably take a holiday.  But you know what the actor that plays Peter cannot escape?  That he is Pacey from Dawson’s Creek.  I just can’t take this guy seriously, sorry.  (-1 point)

-In the story that Walter tells the little girl, there is a private detective searching for someone named Peter.  The little girl boldly proclaims that it’s about his son.  Bravo!  Now shut the fuck up.  (-1 point)

-Despite my frustration with the lack of forward momentum in the show, the fantasy tale that is woven for the little shit is actually pretty neat.  There are magical glass hearts, mixed with some nice private eye film noir genre stuff.  (+3 points)

-The little girl demands a happy ending, and ultimately Walter caves.  One of the other principal characters, Olivia, returns to inform Walter that the actual search for Peter has been unsuccessful.

-We end the show in ominous fashion with a creepy bald dude watching them through binoculars, and reporting on a cell phone that Peter has not returned, and Dr. Bishop may not have learned his lesson or something.  It felt a little forced, like they needed a way to bring the audience back into the overall story at the last second, but it was a nice touch.  (+1 point)

Total Score: 5 points

I picked this episode at random, which I think is the only fair way to do this.  Then again it’s probably mildly absurd that I even take the concept of fairness into this, as if the cast and crew is pacing around, waiting anxiously on the results.  Wait a minute, of course they are!  The whole cast of House still sends me lavish gifts.  Perhaps if I would have picked another episode the score would have been higher.  Regardless, a pretty good showing out of Fringe.

The X-Files

As I alluded to in the opening, this is one of the few shows I never missed growing up.  One of the great things about the show, for me, was every time you sat down to watch it you didn’t know what you were going to get.  There were the mass conspiracy episodes, with sinister government villains and UFO cover-ups taking center stage, and the stand-alone episodes where everything from psychics to werewolves were explored.  Which one will this be?  Not sure.  Thanks to Netflix, I was able to choose a random episode from season five entitled “Patient X.”

-Welcome to beautiful Kazakhstan!  It’s a nice night to take a walk, and get lit on fire at a UFO crash site.  Well I think I figured out what kind of episode this is going to be.

-There’s the X-Files theme music!  Woohoo!  (+1 point)

-Russian army (led by re-occurring villain Alex Krycek) and UN soldiers battle over who has authority over the “crime scene.”  The Russians seem to win this one, and take the evidence (a witness) with them.

-Our first glimpse of Agent Mulder is as part of a panel that is discussing the latest UFO phenomenon, a nice old lady who has been nicknamed Patient X.  She has an implant in her neck and has a lot to say about aliens, supposedly from personal experience.  Mulder makes it known that he doesn’t buy it, or the existence of aliens in general.  This is a big departure from the UFO chasing fella we saw in the earlier seasons.  And, to be frank, this version of Agent Mulder bores me.  (-2 points)

-However, his theory is kind of interesting.  (+1 point)  He doesn’t believe that the government is trying to cover-up UFO existence, but instead trying to subtly promote the idea.  “Once you can make someone believe the impossible, they will believe anything.”

Fanboys thought about this so hard, it actually happened

-David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson have great chemistry as the team of Mulder and Scully.  (+2 points)  Originally Scully was teamed with him just to de-bunk his theories with science, but the longer the show goes on the more their roles start to slowly reverse as we see here.  I’m still surprised the writers never had them get it on.  This is why I wrote so much fan-fiction about Mulder and Scully having crazy three-ways with aliens.  I’m kidding.  Or am I?  Of course I am (unless you’re into that).

-So the bad guys seem to be luring previous abductees to mountain tops en masse, and then slaughtering the poor bastards with sticks that instantly light them on fire.  It’s more disturbing than it sounds.  (+1 point)

-Complaint: one thing that has always annoyed me about this show, and it's definitely present here, is the writers want there to be ambiguity but instead the story always come down on the side of “supernatural stuff is definitely happening, and the skeptics are always wrong.”  The only thing that changes are which characters are the believers, and which ones are the skeptics.  People just take turns being wrong.  Every time someone doubts anything, it is instantly proven true.  I’m not saying the writers should be explaining every flying saucer as a hoax, but if it were so obvious, wouldn’t more people know about all of this stuff by now?  There are only so many conspiracies you’d think a government could contain at one time.  It doesn’t affect my enjoyment of the show TOO much, but its always bugged me (-2 point).

-Patient X escapes from her room and is taken to a bridge by an older gentlemen who certainly has good intentions, right?  Scully and several other people who claim to have been abducted also feel compelled to show up.

-Everything is going great until JESUS GOD THE FIRESTARTERS ARE BACK AND THEIR EYES AND MOUTHS ARE SEWN SHUT AAAAAAAAAAAAH.  Seriously, these guys are creepy as hell.  (+3 points)

-As the show ends it seems more than likely that this storyline is going to take up the rest of the season.  This episode in paticular, however, just didn't have too much punch.

Total Score: 4 points

Holy crap.

Fringe (1-0) defeats The X-Files (0-1) by a final score of 5 to 4.

If I watched a whole season of each show, would this result be the same?  Probably not, but who knows.

MVP

Culture Blues caught up with the champagne soaked MVP and Fringe co-creator J.J. Abrams in the locker room, and he had this to say: “The Truth is Out There, alright.  And so is your first win, assholes!  WE SHOCKED THE WORLD!”

Any suggestions for the next Two Shows Enter?  Perhaps a few previous winners that you’d like to see square off?  Let me know in the comments section.

Who kicks more bloodless, basic cable ass?

During the course of any thriller or action movie, several improbable things have to occur in order for the hero to win out. Bullets whiz by their heads as they jump from one moving car to the next or meticulous plans depending on dozens of variables all come together just right. When this is stretched out over the season of a television show, and throughout the life of a series, I stop thinking of the protagonists as skillful and begin regarding them as lucky. That’s not to say I don’t find this sort of thing entertaining from time to time. These seem like the kind of shows I would enjoy hung-over, where I can just kind of turn my brain off and waste a Sunday on a marathon. Burn Notice and Leverage both seem to be doing quite well, and despite my grumpy nature and vicious cynicism I think I will find at least some enjoyment here.

Here’s what people have been saying about the Two Shows Enter Cable Espionage Week:

"Check this out. Why did the cast of Burn Notice cross the road? Cause they were filming a shitty TV show on the other side. High five!" –Dean Devlin, Executive Producer of Leverage

"We are shamelessly begging for bonus points this episode by having all the cast members wear a ‘Ben Van Iten #1’ foam finger. It made the chase scene a little awkward, but this is a must-win situation." – Jeffrey Donovan, Star of Burn Notice

Burn Notice

It is with great embarrassment that I reveal my first thought after seeing a commercial for this show: "was that the douche that rats out Will Smith in Hitch?" (it is) I have seen bits and pieces of this show before, and I like the premise. Basically Michael, a spy, is betrayed or "burned" as it were, and is trying to find out who did it. I like when a television show is working towards something, but it creates an awkward situation for the writers. Eventually fans are really going to want to get to the bottom of this, but once they do will the show have any mileage left? And since it’s one of the highest rated shows on cable, you’d have to think they are going to take their sweet time. Alright shady blog link, let’s do this!

-The show’s intro is a little wordy (-1 point) but it does an effective job letting the viewer know exactly what the show is about (+2 points) and sets up all the key players nicely.

-And speaking of the key players, we have a Bruce Campbell sighting! (+4 points) He plays Sam, the witty friend and sidekick. I’m showing a lot of restraint here by not quoting Evil Dead like the insufferable nerd that I am.

 -Michael’s narration not only tells us who people are, but then huge obnoxious white text labels them as well. This seems like a bit much. (-2 points)

-Shows like this like to have it both ways. They want to present a character with a shady past so that he can have a dangerous edge about him, but we have to be able to root for him so they give him a heart of gold. For reasons that I don’t really buy, Michael likes to take time to help people, which I’m sure leads to a lot of half baked side plots that take away from the show’s forward momentum.

There's 300 assasins behind him, he's just a calm dude

-Well, speak of the devil. In this episode we open with an intriguing storyline of our hero trying to figure out who a sniper is in town to kill, and how it all relates to the bigger picture. (+2 points) But just as its starts to get good, we are removed from this part of the story to focus on Michael trying to stop some rich brat from being kidnapped as a favor to his ex-girlfriend’s new man. Yawn. (-3 points) It doesn’t feel plausible that a man that lives in constant danger from unknown powerful enemies would take time out of his schedule for charity work. I don’t buy it, and I don’t care.

-Instead of just whooping ass, he embarks on an elaborate plan to make the kidnappers reconsider by posing as one of the brat’s security team. He allows himself to get a gun put in his face, but never seems remotely worried. Why is he risking so much? Why does everything work? Gah. (-2 points)

-This episode is reconfirming my long held belief that the only actor in the world who really knows how to act drunk is Jeff Bridges.

-I can’t decide if the narration is insightful or grating. Some of the quotes are lame ("Surveillance is the leading cause of weight gain among Ops"). But I like a few of the spy terms, it reminds me of when I was a kid and I started a spy club with a few of my stuffed animals. I drew ominous red buttons in my notebook and in theory by pressing these buttons I would be blowing up enemy strong holds. I’m glad no one else started a Homeland Security Club. I think I may have said too much here.

-Good chemistry between Michael and his ex-girlfriend Fiona, played by the lovely Gabrielle Anwar. (+1 point) I’m sure in the current episodes they are an item again, because that’s just how this stuff works.

Insert crude spy analogy/pick-up line here

-And finally, some badass shit starts going down. (+2 points) There is a motorcycle chase, some gunshots, etc. It is executed well.

-At the end of the episode we find out that someone has killed the sniper, they booby trap his house and it explodes when he opens the front door. Michael gets this news on the phone about five seconds before he is about to open up a booby trapped door of his own. And, as I imagined would happen, his life is saved by random chance for probably the billionth fucking time. The big white text is back, and lets us know that this will be continued.

-Despite a lot of my small complaints, the cliffhanger ending worked (+5 points) and I really would be open to watching this show voluntarily one day if I was bored. That may not sound like much, but its one of the nicest things I’ve ever said in this column.
Total: 8 points

Leverage

I liked the first Mission Impossible movie, but one of the things that really pissed me off about it was they took what made the TV show so unique, and instantly stomped on it. Why would we need a team of people to do these awesome covert jobs, when we got Tom fucking Cruise!?! Leverage sticks with the team aspect, and it seems to work. A team of con artists, led by Timothy Hutton, have banded together and are now sticking it to the man! Rumor has it the first episode of the third season will have the team creating fake identities for the editors of a kick ass pop culture website and sneaking them into a hip film festival that had previously denied them access. Alright, let’s get Leveragized!

-The episode I’m watching today is the first episode of the 2nd season and its titled "The Bean Town Bailout Job".  I'm wary of some kind of commentary on the financial crisis, but I'll reserve judgment.

Tip for villains: they are easily distracted by mid job photo ops.

-A banker and his daughter are driving down the street, when the brakes go out. Nathan Ford (Hutton) just so happens to be walking by when the car gets totaled. The special effects when the car flips through the air and over his head are so hilariously terrible I’m actually going to award a point here for my first audible chuckle of the night (+1 point).  As you might imagine, there is foul play.

-The first season of this show was written as a complete story, which makes the start of the 2nd season a little awkward. The gang gets back together when one of their colleagues (Sophie, played by Gina Bellman) is the lead in a performance in The Sound of Music and they show up to watch. It flops so bad that one review says "I was rooting for the Nazis." Alright, that was funny. (+3 points)

-In their time apart, it seems all of these thieves and con artists have come to miss helping people. And after the show wastes a bunch of time pretending Ford might not get back into the do-good game, he eventually agrees to help bring down the people that sabotaged the banker’s brakes.

-There is an attempt made on Ford’s life, and right before Sophie saves the day she delivers the following line to the attacker: "Does your mother sew? Stitch this!" (-1 point) I want you to imagine a screenwriter sitting down in front of their computer, and writing that line. A real person did that. Seriously.

-I have watched this show before, and enjoyed it. But there is a campiness to this episode that is unforgivable. (-4 points) For a show that is not a comedy, life and death are handled about as lightly as possible. It’s like everyone on the team thinks they are in a video game, and none of these bad guys that they let put a gun in their face will ever pull the trigger because that’s not part of the plan!

-Despite Sophie’s atrocious line earlier, she is a legitimately interesting character (+2 points). She is a master of accents, and can become anyone she needs to, yet as an actress she is a complete failure.

-So the guy that gets in the car crash at the beginning apparently had the inside scoop about shady business practices at the bank, and the bad guys were trying to take him out. The ringleader of the bad guys? The head of the bank itself. In his big evil monologue he brags about sticking it to the American people, blah blah blah. (-2 points) It’s an uninspired speech from a two dimensional character whose attempt to make this episode culturally relevant fails miserably.

-Apparently when the writers decided to incorporate the mob into this storyline, their research was THE SHITTIEST MOB MOVIES OF ALL TIME. (-2 points) Honestly, this is getting pretty bad.

-The episode feels really rushed (-1 point) and perhaps that’s because they had to waste a lot of time at the beginning getting the band back together. Down the road I imagine some of these kinks will be worked out.

-As I’ve already established I hate when everything comes together just right, but it is cool how they manage to trick the crooked bank guy to bring a briefcase full of evidence of his own crimes directly to the police. (+4 points)

-As the episode closes, Hutton’s character (who is a recovering alcoholic) pays for a shot of whiskey, and simply sniffs it for a few moments before putting it down. It’s a haunting image (+2 points) of a character that hammed it up for far too much of the episode. This is a very talented actor who is capable of much better than this show, and a show that is capable of much better than this episode.
Total: 1 point

Burn Notice (1-0) defeats Leverage (0-1) by a final score of 8 to 1.

MVP

Culture Blues caught up with MVP Bruce Campbell who had this to say: "It’s the least you assholes could do after that whole tournament fiasco.  Ash losing to Conan was the funniest thing that’s ever happened on this website."

Join me next time when Fringe takes on a Sci-fi blast from the past.

 In Two Shows Enter, Ben Van Iten asks the existential question: can there really be a winner?  He never really answers it, but it’s a pretty impressive question nonetheless. 

You're both fired.

I saw a quote from Roger Ebert the other day, where he made the remark that he remembered when being famous and having talent were synonymous.  Indeed, the sun has set on those days.  The Jersey Shore and countless other television programs have reminded us that all you really need to be a household name is a camera shoved in your face.  I accepted this fact a long time ago, and most of the time it provides me with great amusement.  But sometimes there are shows that insult my intelligence to the point that I can no longer laugh it off.  When Madonna is giving out marriage advice, or Daryl Strawberry is attempting to run a business, I will be there.  I will be there making snide comments, and drinking delicious Bacardi Razz with Sprite.  Hey, if the Zotes people are willing to send something, I thought I’d give it a shot.

Here’s the word on the street about the Two Shows Enter Celebrity Overload Edition:

“After Kelly Rippa fixes my marriage, I’m hoping Pauley Shore has time to do my taxes!” – Brendan Haynes, Mechanic

“Win, lose or draw, I think it’s important to remember that I have enough money to make Jerry Seinfeld suck my dick in public.” – Donald Trump

The Marriage Ref

If you’re not familiar with this show, celebrity panelists weigh in on the marriage disputes of actual couples before the host makes the call on who is in the right.  There is so much I want to say about the concept of this show before I begin watching it, that my head almost exploded.  So instead of trying to narrow down my run-on sentences of bile and hatred, I think I’ll just hit the play button on Hulu and see what happens.  I’m not looking forward to this.

AAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

-Today’s celebrity panel is Kirstie Alley (-3 points), Jimmy Fallon (+1 point) and Sheryl Crow (-1 point)

-The host is a stand-up comic named Tom Papa who was apparently hand picked by Jerry Seinfeld.  He starts the show with one comment that caught my attention, that this is a reversal of the usual dynamic where we criticize celebrity marriages (+1 point).  I might as well award this point, because I can’t imagine there will be too many other opportunities.

-The first couple, Jim and Lynda, have an issue.  He is a ventriloquist, and keeps tons of dummies all over the house.  She wants them to go.  And just to show you how in touch with the common man these celebrities are, want to know Sheryl Crow’s honest to goodness solution for this problem?  Build a new house for just the dummies.  (-2 points)  Yes, you read that right.

-Kirstie Alley is like a giggly drunk Jabba the Hutt.  I can’t understand half of what she is saying, but I’m pretty sure she’s been discussing her pet lemurs entirely too much.  (-2 points)

-Tom Papa goes with Lynda here.  Honestly, the dummies are pretty creepy..

-The second couple, Milt and Stacy, are in a heated battle over the husband’s hair color.  I’m not going to dignify this bullshit with anymore text.  (-3 points)

-This reminds me of those countdowns on E! where they assemble a group of no name comedians who honestly will never have anything better to do in their whole gossip hunting celebrity sweating pathetic lives to just sit around and attempt to be funny.  I’m not adding or subtracting points here, I just wanted to use this space to call those countdown shows retarded.  Let’s carry on now.

In the pilot episode, she told Lance to dump that bitch.

-George and Elenna engage in a laughably scripted fight about him not cooking enough.  And, with skin color seemingly the only thing they have in common, Tom Papa says that George reminds him of Bill Cosby.  (-1 point)  Fortunately, Jimmy Fallon does a pretty awesome Bill Cosby impression (+2 points) and salvages this bit.  Tom agrees with the panelists that George is in the right.  I’m sure this iron clad ruling will be strictly enforced.

-Brian and Caren are seeking this show’s valuable input because he wants to put a urinal in the house, and she is against it.  Yes, this show was just renewed ladies and gentlemen.  (-1 point)  I do admire Brian’s detailed knowledge of urinals.  But when he says that he is looking for performance, comfort, and speed I have a few thoughts.  First of all I think that his bathroom experiences must be entirely different than mine, and furthermore Sheryl Crow is just not going to go for this.  And whatever you do, don’t disappoint Sheryl Crow.  Your victory in an irrelevant marriage scoring contest may very well depend on it!

-For the record, this irrelevant scoring contest is way better.

-Random thought: wouldn’t it be funny if one of these disputes was, “my husband drowned all of our kids!”  So no one else thinks that would be funny?  Okay, pretend I never said that.

-We end the show with Fran and Irma; he doesn’t want to do the dishes or something.  I’ve mentally checked out.  (-1 point)

Total: -10 points.

I wish I could say that this was about to get better for me, but I have my doubts.

Celebrity Apprentice

Jeff firing another Culture Blues intern

I would never watch The Apprentice voluntarily, but as far as reality TV goes the premise of the show was not entirely revolting.  But the assholes at NBC just couldn’t just let it be, could they?  They had to make Celebrity Apprentice. During a meeting I imagine one executive said to another, “we could do this with mildly famous people” and that second one said, “you’re a goddamn genius, someone call Sinbad!” On an unrelated note, while searching for this show on Hulu I came across something called I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here and I have no doubt that my eyes will one day suffer that cruel fate.  Alright, I’m going in.  This episode is called “Muggles & Wizards”.

-I realize as I click play that this is a two hour show.  Oh, fuck off.  (-5 points)

-Immediately I feel pangs of sadness as I am informed that Daryl Strawberry was fired the previous week. (-1 point)  With a heavy heart I gather the cocaine jokes I had been composing all day, and rip them to shreds before tossing them in the fireplace.

-Here’s an overview: the teams are divided by gender, and they compete on various business related ventures.  Each week the teams have a different project manager that delegates responsibility.  This week those project managers are disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich and Victoria Secret model Selita Ebanks.  The task at hand?  To create a three dimensional display for the new Universal Studios theme park, “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter”.  The two managers will be going to Florida, separated from the rest of their team.

-Donald Trump has no problem making repeated and uncomfortable jokes at the expense of Rod and his upcoming legal battles.  I approve.  (+3 points)

-Rod is entertaining throughout this episode.  (+1 point)  He explains the concept of text messaging to the camera, as if we are all aliens.  And then he promptly adds that he doesn’t know how to send a text, or use a computer.  In fact watching him try is rather hilarious.

-While the managers are away, we get all the useless footage we could ever want of the other “celebs” sitting around doing nothing.  Holly Robinson Peete, who the fuck are you?  (-2 points)

It's all you had to do, man

-Former pro wrestler Bill Goldberg in the house.  If he spears anyone, I declare this show the winner immediately and I can just turn this off.

-As the presentations near, it is becoming increasingly obvious that the women are more prepared.  Among the members of the female team?  Former NBA Inside Stuff co-host Summer Sanders.  I mean, seriously.

-Young Harry Potter fans arrive for the presentations. The female one seems to go off without a hitch.  They are all dressed like Hogwarts professors, or witches, or whatever.  They seem to have a good plan.  The men’s presentation is a jumbled mess.  Goldberg is dressed like a tree (+1 point for hilarious imagery), and for some reason Bret Michaels decides that to really get across the spirit of the Harry Potter films he should show up in jeans, a t-shirt and a bandana.  Christ this guy is a tool. (-2 points)

-Quote of the episode does go to Bret, however.  Upon seeing children wandering through their smoke filled maze with men making awkward wand references, he says: “We are all going to jail for this creepy castle ride”.  (+1 point)

-Make this show an hour, and it’s infinitely easier for me to stomach.  Would I watch it voluntarily?  No, but it wouldn’t be so goddamn boring.  (-2 points)  The problems with this show are the same that plagued The Biggest Loser, it just seems like there is no forward momentum.

-At the end of the day Rod Blagojevich is fired for his lack of an ability to communicate, or even learn the terms of the Harry Potter universe.  If this is how he handles a theme park presentation, I can only imagine how this bumbling idiot ran a state.  I would say I feel sorry for you Illinois residents, but that would be a lie.  I hope the Cubs lose a hundred games.

-Donald Trump is a pompous asshole, but I just can’t help but like something about how he operates, even if I can’t explain it.  (+1 point)

Total:  -5 points

Celebrity Apprentice (1-0) defeats The Marriage Ref (0-1) by a final score of -5 to -10.

MVP

 In an odd turn of events, the man that was fired was also named MVP of this contest.  His complete inability to function in a team environment was one of the only things that kept the show remotely entertaining.  When Culture Blues caught up with Rod Blagojevich, he had this to say: “I’m confident that with the pull that Culture Blues has with the Illinois General Assembly, that this will pretty much fix everything.”

Join me next time as I am once again hate fucked by television.

Live from the Fake Journalists' black tie gala event.

When I first started writing for this website, I tried to decide on criteria for what shows might be out of bounds for this feature. One of the first genres I disqualified was news programs, and the following column will not infringe upon that. Self described news networks are in the business of turning out reactionary garbage that has crossed over into the entertainment category. If you believe that Barack Obama was created by communist scientists in a top secret laboratory and impales unborn fetuses in his free time, then I will recommend The O’Reilly Factor! If on the other hand you enjoy smarmy remarks that solve nothing, and believe that our president is a cross between JFK, MLK, and Superman, then check out Rachel Maddow. So who’s ready for some half truths about health care?!?

Here’s what people have been saying about the Two Shows Enter Pundit Punchout Edition:

“Dude, Alien Sex Files 3 is on Cinemax, I’m just saying.” – Thom Grinde, my neighbor

“NOW THEY FEAR BEING HEALTHY MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” – Gothicus, High Overlord of the fourth pit of Abhoth, and Fox News Fear Correspondent

The O’Reilly Factor

King of New York

It’s hard for me to think of Bill O’Reilly without also thinking of hilarious Youtube videos of his exploits. Some of these videos even have dance remixes. But say what you will about him, he is here to stay. This is one of those guys that just seems scandal proof. I live in what some call a liberal island, so it’s rare for me to come across someone who supports Mr. O’Reilly, but judging by his ratings they are certainly out there. I have every reason to suspect they are breeding this very instant.  On this particular program, he has promised reaction to the passage of the much talked about health care bill. I just entered the no-spin zone. It’s dark and partisan in here.

-Has there ever been a segment more appropriately titled than “Talking Points”? If you are unfamiliar with this, Fox News television personalities suckle at Karl Rove’s nipples right before going on air and the substance that comes out is called talking points, and it goes directly to their brain. Sean Hannity gets pretty thirsty, so it’s amazing that by the time O’Reilly hits the air there is still enough to go around. Anyone else want to vomit? (-2 points)

-I will at least give Bill some credit for stating numerous times during the program that he believes Obama is sincere when he thinks what he’s doing will help the country. (+1 point) This is one of the reasons why O’Reilly is a lot better at his job than people like Glenn Beck, who just yell incoherently for an hour straight. He throws over the occasional compliment to the other side, even if it’s not a big one. I feel like this is just a ploy to appear fair to the feeble minded, but nonetheless I’ll give it a point.

-As we go to commercial break, this is the question that O’Reilly has about the democrats: “Can they rally?” Yes, he’s framing the passage of the bill as a defeat for liberals. Somehow I doubt Rachel Maddow will share this viewpoint.

-We have our first laugh out loud moment of the show: “I’m an independent.” – Bill O’Reilly. Now that’s entertainment. (+3 points)

-Bill has another gem when he points out that Obama and Bush are both polarizing Presidents. In this day and age, is it even possible to have a President that isn’t polarizing? As if one day MSNBC isn’t going to try to sink every Republican presidency? As if one day Fox News contributors are going to see a Democrat president and say, “You know, this guy is alright”? I’m going to deduct here for sheer idiocy. (-2 points)

-In case you’re drinking along with me, my booze of choice is Sangria.

-We have an appearance by Brit Hume, another soulless shit merchant. Brit is what happens when you cross breed Droopy Dog with demon. He’s just dropped by to discuss upcoming legal challenges to the bill, and also TO MAKE ME HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW EVEN MORE (-5 points)

-Ah, yes. In case you weren’t scared enough about health care, here’s this quote from O’Reilly: “If they can make you buy health care, sooner or later they can make you get a Mohawk haircut.” This just sent a chill down the spine of the ‘hey kids, get off my lawn’ demographic. Another thing it did was make me laugh so hard I almost woke up one of the neighbors. (+4 points)

-Then we have an appearance by conservative talk show host Dana Loesch, and the events I’m about to describe actually happened. Bill got her on the program to discuss accusations by African American lawmakers that that the Tea Party crowd referred to them by the N word. Her stance is as follows; because that on the twenty seconds of tape that she has, she didn’t clearly hear it said, that they were simply making it up. At this point even O’Reilly steps forth and says that just because you don’t agree with someone’s politics, doesn’t mean they are liars. (+4 points for one of the first rational statements during the entire program) And she disagrees! She actually disagrees! I’m speechless. But see, this is where O’Reilly is crafty. He can disagree with some of the people he brings on, but he still has them on. Their words still lay eggs in your ears, and hatch ugly thoughts. I guarantee there are hundreds of hillbilly inbred assholes walking around today saying, “There’s no evidence, they’re liars”. There’s a difference between bringing on different viewpoints, and bringing on…this. Dana has no purpose other than spreading vile divisive repugnant shit. If there is a hell, I imagine she’ll be sucking cock there eventually. Oh yeah, I suppose I should officially take off points here. (-23 points)

-O’Reilly ends the program with his word of the day, Feckless. This means incompetent or futile. I like that feature. (+2 points)

Total: -16 points

The score would have been lower, but occasionally it was so hilarious I enjoyed myself.

The Rachel Maddow Show

Showing off her strong debate skills

As I alluded to earlier, I live in a very liberal city. One day while walking down the street I saw a poster of George Bush biting into the Statue of Liberty’s neck with vampire teeth. I had a good chuckle, because I am indeed on the left. But it didn’t occur to me until weeks later just how childish such displays really were. What is the point? And furthermore, is it possible that this kind of behavior only makes conservatives beat the drums for people like Bush harder? Maybe, maybe not. If you are a liberal and you watch programs like The Rachel Maddow Show for therapy, I can understand that. I’m sure it feels good to be part of the choir; she’s definitely got her preaching shoes on. However, if you are watching this show to shape your worldview: haha, stop it.

-We open the program with muted jubilation over the passage of the health care bill. How many times can I really say passage in one article?

-But shit gets somber in a hurry, because all across the country there are violent protests, and one man has taken responsibility. Mike Vanderbough has blogged about how citizens need to take the streets back by throwing bricks through windows of the offices of elected democrat officials. He seems like a standard communist fearing nut job, nothing too out of the ordinary there. It is hilarious that he’s currently receiving government benefits however. The Rachel Maddow touch comes in when they show a picture of one of the bricks. There is a note attached, and she takes a good two minutes to mock the misspelling of the word “extremism.” (-2 points) Oh, journalism.

-Unlike O’Reilly’s program, some of the laughs are intentional. Like Rachel pointing out Sarah Palin’s “Don’t Retreat, Reload!” tweet. (+2 points)

-Interesting interview with Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell. When talking about the Republicans, I am somewhat surprised to hear him actually use the word “bitching” (+1 point) He makes the case that some legislation is worth losing your next election for, and I would be curious to know how many democrats really believe that their ship has sunk with this.

-Rachel takes her turn at complete idiocy. “Lately it’s just been a really sad state of affairs in politics.” (-3 points) As opposed to when, exactly? What golden age does she want to return to? The opposition party wants to stop people from getting stuff done, and the party in power wants to get stuff done. None of this happens to the degree that anyone would like, and they all act like children. This is not new. Occasionally someone gets idealistic and says, “We were elected to help the American people!” and everyone laughs at the dumb bastard.

-How many different ad campaigns can Geico keep up at one time? Just incredible.

-O’Reilly’s program at least addresses some of the concerns that liberals have with Republican behavior. It doesn’t seem like Rachel is so eager to discuss all the behind closed doors deals Obama & company made to get the Health Care Reform passed. With all of Barack’s talk of things changing in Washington, I’d like to hear a liberal talking head take on some of those issues. I’ve watched her show a few times lately and haven’t heard a word on this. (-2 points)

-More intentional hilarity. (+5 points) We have clips of a Republican Senator making the case that citizens should no longer be able to elect members of the Senate, that the state legislatures should handle that. It’s kind of funny to see someone who made the point that this health care bill was ripping up the constitution then turn around and make the case for, well…doing away with the 17^th amendment.

-The show just feels trashy. (-2 points) It is the epitome of “gotcha” politics. If I wanted to see people show a bunch of political clips from the day with sarcastic comments, I’d just watch the Daily Show and laugh a lot harder.

-During an interview she lets Democratic Senator Amy Klobuchar get away with the phrase “Reconciliation is just something we use to fix bills” as if the debate is really that clear cut (-2 points).

-Rachel responds to Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown using her as a fundraiser. Brown has tried to scare money out of conservatives in the state for his re-election bid in two and a half years by saying that THE DEMOCRATIC MACHINE (Nancy Pelosi’s head on Megatron’s body) is recruiting her to run against him. For this segment, the Executive Producer of the show takes her seat and she is the interview guest. And holy crap do they think this is just a hoot! Except no, it’s not. (-1 point)

-We close with an interesting piece about how portion sizes have grown in the Last Supper painting over the years (+2 points), and a professor relates this to how fat we are as a country. You don’t even care, do you?

Total: -3 points

At the end of the day, this show is more partisan hackery, it’s just not as spectacularly terrible as The O’Reilly Factor. Or maybe that’s just my hidden liberal agenda talking!

MVP

The Rachel Maddow Show (1-0) defeats The O’Reilly Factor (0-1) by a score of -3 to -16.

Culture Blues caught up with MVP and Governor, Ed Rendell. He had this to say: “This isn’t the last time my guest appearance will lead a show to victory. My upcoming cameo in Taxicab Confessions is going to go over huge.”

Have a suggestion for what I should be watching next? Let me know in the comments section.

I might not survive this.

I know you Culture Blues junkies need a minute to catch your breath from the nonstop action and buckets of blood that the Tournament has so far provided.  Let’s face it; we’ve lost some good men out there (and Larusso).  You probably need a change of pace, something to bring down the adrenaline so you don’t staple your office manager in the eye and light that passive aggressive asshole on fire.  So with that in mind, the two shows that I will be taking a look at today were created to make us feel good.  In Extreme Makeover Home Edition, adorable families with adorable back stories are given an adorable house and… goddamnit I’m emotional already.  In Biggest Loser large people compete to lose the most weight by dieting, exercise, and occasionally chopping off their arms or legs as a gruesome last resort.  Alright, let’s get inspired!

Here’s what people have been saying about the Two Shows “Feel Good Edition”:

“I’m thinking of doing a crossover with Punk’d where after we give these poor bastards the house, Ashton Kutcher pops out and explains how mortgages and property taxes work.  Oh, it’ll be priceless.” – Ty Pennington, Host of Extreme Makeover Home Edition

“I’m proud to say we serve the biggest winners everyday!” – Stephanie Sanders, McDonald’s manager.

Extreme Makeover Home Edition

It's all about helping people... really.

This is yet another show that I have never seen and, in all honesty, have avoided like the plague.  I don’t feel like the sentimental angle is going to work on me, but I cry when Jenny dies at the end of Forrest Gump every time so who knows.  For some families, the lifestyle upgrade is only a quick fix.  Ty and his crew can give you a house, but they won’t be covering the upkeep of these lavish homes, and they won’t be instilling financial responsibility either.  Foreclosure issues have plagued the show in recent years, but I’ll try to put that out of mind and just let the magic happen!

-Ty Pennington’s voice is nasal and overdramatic.  He speaks to everyone as if they are ten years old.  (-2 points)  It seems like he’s missed his true calling as a children’s TV show host, or a murder victim.

-The design crew, which includes a former Bachelorette (Jillian Harris) and Xzibit, are shown a video which details the family’s plight.  They are the Skaggs family, and their son Jhett had a heart defect.  (+1 point for the look on X’s face when they show the husband dressed in a cowboy hat, and country music is piped in)  The son eventually got a transplant but is very susceptible to illness and apparently they live in a toxic house.  The heart strings are pulled on further by audience volunteers Tanya and Santino.  Tanya has cancer, and is trying to show her son how to pay it forward or something.  Every time her illness is mentioned we get what I would like to call “cancer music.”  Whoever created that music is making an ass ton of money in royalties I’d suspect, because it’s the same stuff they use every time a terminal illness is brought up on any show.

-After seeing fifteen seconds of footage fellow designer Michael Maloney (who manages to be even more grating than Ty), quickly remarks that this really seems like a great family!  You know, they very well may be, but just because something bad happens to someone does not make them better people.  To deduce that without knowing anything about them seems vaguely patronizing and insulting in a way.  The only thing we know for sure is their son was sick.  Like most things in this show, his lines are cheesier than shit.  Shut up Michael Maloney, you’re a phony baloney! (-1 point)

-All right so we see shots of the old house, and it's in terrible condition.  There is mold everywhere.  I feel bad for little Jhett.  There goes my street cred.  So maybe this show might get to me after all.  (+2 points)

I am SO inspired! Why doesn't anybody love me?

-It’s really easy to stay cynical when former Bachelorette Jillian Harris is trying way too hard to seem affected by all of this.  If I were to make a drinking game out of this episode, I would instruct you to take a shot every time she tells someone that they are inspiring her.  And oh look at that, she’s painting!  Now she’s awkwardly doing something with bricks!  What a go-getter!  This desperate attempt to stay relevant would be complete if only there was some fake crying, and a speech about discovering life’s true meaning.  Oh wait, there it is. (-4 points)

-Xzibit pimps a tractor! (+2 points) Among many cosmetic enhancements, he added gold flecks to the green paint.  The only thing that was missing was a Playstation 3 on the back.  Also, nothing is more out of place in this episode than the sample of one of his tracks that plays in the background during this bit.

-Building stuff looks hard.

-The audience volunteer Santino gets in on the terrible canned lines.  When the little boy is asked what’s so great about this week he replies, “helping people” in a super rigid way. (-2 points)  The funny thing is this story is actually fairly cool without the forced bullshit.  But I doubt the executives have enough faith in people to let that come through naturally.

-The family gets back to their new house.  Is the payoff worth it?  Eh, I guess. (+1 point)  I like seeing the family’s reaction (+1 point), the house is certainly nice.  The father is a cattle rancher, and the barn is a tremendous improvement over the old one.  Jhett also has a badass dinosaur themed room that I would have killed for as a youngster.  Fun fact: as a child I used to have a fanny pack with a picture of a stegosaurus on it.

-One thing that did legitimately make me smile was when Ty informed the family that a pharmaceutical company paid off all of Jhett’s medical bills, which by the sound of it were substantial. (+4 points)  They have also donated 50k to a fund for his future medical bills.  These are the kind of meaningful things this show can do, instead of bringing in rock stars to perform some shitty song.  I would argue that in a lot of ways, things like that can be a greater gift than the house itself, which as history shows can also be an albatross.

Total: 2 points.

Now hopefully the editors don’t turn this into Extreme Makeover Column Edition.  LOL JOKES!

Biggest Loser

He used to weigh a billion pounds.

Since losing weight has the potential to be the sweatiest and most embarrassing New Years resolution, it has its own reality show.  I mean seriously, would you watch people compete to see who could quit smoking first, or save the most money?  Probably not.  This season is couples themed, because like most reality shows they are going to hit us with as many different variations of it as possible until we just can’t fucking take it anymore.  Alright fatties, let’s sweat to the oldies or whatever.

-I come to realize that couples does not imply a romantic connection.  There are brothers, cousins, and parent/child combinations as well.  I find this out through a montage where everyone grunts a lot.

-Most shows make the assumption that while we’ve probably watched before, we might not watch religiously.  Biggest Loser jumps right in to the point where I feel a bit confused.  (-2 points)

-The opening challenge pits the blue team against the black team as they each pull a semi for a certain distance, and then have to put together a puzzle.  There is dramatic music, and I feel somewhat tense about the whole thing (+1 point) for reasons unbeknownst to me.  The winner earns groceries for a year.  The losing team has all the weight they lost surgically put back inside of them.  Okay, so maybe not that last part.

-In an attempt to simulate the real world, contestants have to work a full-time job as well as balance their diet and exercise.  Everything is going just great until a dramatic sub-plot arises!  Black team leader Sam forgets his lunch, and is forced to look through the vending machine, but all he can find are chips and cookies!  You can cut the tension with a knife.  There is even dramatic music, as if eating one bag of cheetos will instantly put on thirty pounds.  ALL HOPE IS LOST!  Then someone else suggests Subway, and we have what seems like a three minute advertisement for the Subway Veggie Delight.  Seriously?  Am I really watching this?  (-3 points)

-At this point there seems to be nothing remotely entertaining about this show (-4 points).  There was just a five minute montage of people working out, and then some more product placement for the “Biggest Loser Protein Powder.”  I really want this to be over.

-I’ve seen enough people eating salads that I felt compelled to order fried chicken.  I’m eating it now.  It’s fucking awesome.  (+2 points)

Gross.

-You put a camera on anyone and all of a sudden they think they’ve got a cameo in Rudy. “I believe that we can do anything with enough hard work!” Already been over this with the Makeover crowd, but humans just don’t talk like this.  Stop it.  (-1 point)

-The Bachelor has the rose ceremony, Survivor has the thing with the torches, Extreme Makeover has the big house reveal, and Biggest Loser has the weigh-in.  How this works is everyone is weighed to see which team lost the greatest percentage of their weight.  The losing team has to vote off one of their teammates.  And given how hard these people have worked, I will concede there is some decent drama here (+2 points) but why in the hell is this a two hour show? (-1 point)  It really seemed like most everything up to this has been filler.

-It is kind of incredible that after doing this for a few months, some of these people are still managing to drop nine or ten pounds in a week.  I can see how this show can legitimately change someone’s life for the better, and establish healthy habits (+2 points).  It’s just a shame it’s so goddamn boring.

-Six people on the blue team (who I have decided to root for, don’t ask me why) lose a combined fifty pounds.  In order to beat the percentage of weight lost, the black team has to lose 38 points.  They finish six pounds short.  One of the trainers says that black team leader Sam might be a hindrance to his team because he’s starting to put on muscle now, so he won’t be losing as much weight.  Yes, heaven forbid anyone actually gets in shape.  (-1 point)

-They decide to kick off some old lady.  I’d put her name here, but would you really give a shit?

Total: -5 points

MVP

EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION (1-0) DEFEATS BIGGEST LOSER (0-1) BY THE FINAL OF 2 TO -5.

Culture Blues caught up with MVP Xzibit, who had this to say: “We’re the second reality TV show to win so far.  And you know, a lot of people don’t think me and the rest of the corny assholes on this show have a chance against American Idol.  Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure they’re right.  Oh fuck!”

Is that a challenge?  And will American Idol accept?  We’ll find out down the road.

Doctor fight!

A day in the life of a medical drama nurse or doctor is very busy.  You have to spend some time establishing a romantic relationship with one of your co-workers; in fact odds are you have never even considered dating someone that does not work at your hospital.  Then after that you have to do your nightly rounds and OH FUCK THAT GUY HAS A FORK STUCK IN HIS EYE.  Then you top it all off by learning some kind of important life lesson.  I often make fun of the absurdity of these shows, but at the end of the day no one is going to watch a hospital show where people come in with chest pains and it turns out they ate their chili too fast.  We like drama, so drama is what we get.

Here is what people have been saying about Medical Mayhem week:

“I was in a show like these once.  I try to focus on the good times…and not on how George Clooney pretends he doesn’t know me at parties.” – Noah Wyle, Actor

“When I watch Mercy my most common symptoms are boredom, and diarrhea.” – Jason Schaeffer, Television Enthusiast

Mercy

They're feisty AND professional... and a bit shrill.

The title of this episode is “Can We Talk about the Giant Elephant in the Ambulance?”  I go to check out the summary on NBC’s website, and am overcome with emotion.

“While trying to bring a frozen boy back to life, Veronica challenges Sands to a game of basketball to win back their love. James Van Der Beek joins the cast as Dr. Joe Briggs.”

First of all, ignore the preposterous plotline about the basketball game (I know, it’s hard).  But holy crap, Dawson in the house!  Remember when he made Rules of Attraction just to get out from under the shadow of that television show?  Well, good effort buddy, but some asshole on the internet is still calling you Dawson.  Alright, show time.

-We quickly learn that the lead character, a nurse named Veronica, threw herself at one of the doctors on last week’s episode and was rejected.  Turns out we don’t have time to dwell on that for too long, because Dawson is here, and he’s a dick! (+3 point)  He’s also the new boss.

-Veronica (played with an irrational bitterness by Taylor Schilling) is paired with Chris (the previously mentioned doctor) to find a child who was left in the woods.  It’s awkward.  She calls him insensitive, and he calls her a drunk.  I can already spot that this is one of those romances that they have probably teased for a while, and eventually these two will end up together (like Joey and Dawson!).  It’s formulaic, but it seems to work with audiences.  As it turns out, I still hate it. (-1 point)

-I feel like I’m being attacked by shitty side plots. (-2 points)  One of the nurses has a 2^nd job taking care of some crazy old lady that is going to inevitably dispense wisdom in a cranky yet endearing way.

-There is another nurse that seems awfully familiar (played by Michelle Trachtenburg), and that’s when I realize she was almost naked in Eurotrip like five times.  I don’t find her all that attractive, but by the end of the movie I had been teased so many times that I had been conditioned to want her.  This show is so boring that I’ve gone on a Eurotrip tangent. (-1 point)

Dude, you're still Dawson.

-Dawson is not just a dick, but a manipulative dick!  (+2 points)  He’s actually bringing some much needed life to this show.  He’s also filling the role of “guy who knows cutting edge treatments that not everyone agrees with, and he’s always right.”  Okay, so maybe that annoys me a little.  (-1 point)

-Okay, so the old lady does dole out wisdom in a cranky and endearing way.  But she’s still funny: “I used to have quite the heroin habit in the 80’s, just to cope with Reagan you understand.”  (+1 point) She’s on hard drugs to deal with her terminal illness and the show doesn’t seem to treat this with disdain, which I admire. (+3 points)

-The little boy they found is not in good shape, and Veronica is at his bedside.  But Chris quickly reminds her that “a watched kid never boils” (+1 point because I don’t think that sentence has ever been said before, and I love the visual) so they leave to play basketball.  I’m expecting this next scene to be painful.

-They are playing horse, and Chris agrees that if he loses he will date her.  Really? (-1 point)  If only I wasn’t so good at horse, I’d be getting a lot more ass. They stop their game because…

-The little boy is alive and kicking.  If you’re sitting next to someone while reading this, give them a hug…because life is precious.

-Game on!  Chris wins, but then kisses Veronica anyway.  Perhaps someone should have explained the rules to him better.  This is supposed to be a joyous moment, but I just don’t feel it.  In trying to make her delightfully neurotic, the writers accidentally made Veronica an annoying bitch that I can’t root for. (-3 points)

TOTAL: 1 POINT

This was actually not nearly as bad as I thought it’d be, but still generally mediocre.  Hell of a job keeping the show in positive digits, Dawson.

House

That's his personal medicine cabinet.

Comparing Dr. Gregory House (played with unrelenting cynicism by Hugh Laurie) to the main character of another medical drama might not be as relevant as comparing him to a fictional character from another genre: Sherlock Holmes.  Like the famous Detective, House is not kind to his body.  But perhaps the most interesting similarity is he does not want to take patients based on the urgency of their situation, but instead on the level that they interest him.  If this column worked that way, I would have never watched According to Jim. This episode is called “5 to 9.”

-This is a unique episode of the show in the sense that the main character is not House himself, but the hospital administrator Lisa Cuddy.  We start the show with a montage of her pre-work activities.  Originally I am disappointed by this turn of events.  (-1 point)

-While the focus of the episode is on Cuddy, House appears early and often.  One of the first times we see him we catch a conversation that we don’t have any real context for in which Cuddy tells him, “I won’t let you infect a patient with malaria!” (+1) House’s team relies on a kind of trial and error form of medicine, and I don’t know if this is realistic, but it usually makes for interesting television.

-Speaking of his team, hey there’s Olivia Wilde! (+2 points)  I’d like to meet her.  That’s a euphemism.  For sex.

-We follow Cuddy as she endures a brutal day.  She has to fire an employee for stealing, negotiate with a brutal insurance company, deal with lawsuits, and she has a sick child.  This particular show you see Cuddy cleaning up House’s mess a few times as well.  This episode works because of the new perspective on things.  Where most actors who were given the role of stick in the mud to House and his ridiculous requests would appear rigid and lame, Lisa Edelstein portrays Cuddy with a sort of bitchy (but not too bitchy) vulnerability that makes the dynamic work.  (+5 points)

Cuddy and House are this generation's Ross and Rachel.

-House has the AC cranked so a surgeon will be uncomfortable and hurry up on a procedure, so one of his patients can get into surgery quicker.  This is stupid, and is the kind of over the top stuff the show needs to leave out.  No one would get away with this crap, no matter how brilliant they were. (-1 point)

-There seems to be a lack of Olivia Wilde this episode (-1 point).  So instead of making more lewd comments, I will use this space for a fun fact.  She was actually born Olivia Jane Cockburn before legally changing her name.  Special thanks to Two Shows Enter research assistant Craig Trost for this bit of info.  I can sympathize, as I was born Benjamin Vaginawarts.

-Negotiations break down with the insurance company, and this is a huge crisis, or whatever.  But this got me thinking, what if one of the networks green lit a heartfelt drama about the trials and tribulations of an HMO and its employees.  Put some dreamy guys in there, give us a love triangle, and regular Americans who get ass fucked by insurance companies on a day to day basis would set their DVR’s every week for this hour long monument to irony.  The phrase “pre-existing condition” could finally be sexy!

-One of the things that makes this show good is they allow their know-it-all genius to be wrong from time to time. (+3 points)

-Well, things worked out for Cuddy.  The insurance company caved in to her demands, the terminated employee’s attempt to blackmail her went awry, and her kid is alright.  It’s enough to make you want to dance.

-I felt legitimately satisfied by the ending of this show, as predictable as it may have been. (+4 points)  The difference is the writers, the actors, and the execution.  In a genre that is often painfully formulaic, House bucks the trend more often than most, and proves to be more than tolerable even when it doesn’t.

TOTAL: 12 POINTS (a new high score)

Random stat – the FOX network is now 3-0.

MVP

HOUSE (1-0) DEFEATS MERCY (0-1) BY A FINAL SCORE OF 12 TO 1.

Culture Blues caught up with Hugh Laurie, to ask him what this victory meant to him.  “Well, being honored by this website is not the greatest thing that has ever happened to me per se.  You can put the microphone down, that’s the end of my thought.”

Join me next time when I alienate all of those pussies who cry during Extreme Makeover Home Edition.