Nobody ask me about my mom.

Jason,

Can you once and for all answer the question that is on everyone's mind? Boxers or Briefs?

Nelson, Manhattan NY

Dear Nelson-

There are benefits to both, freedom vs. support for example, and really it comes down to personal preference. But what do I wear? Well buried underneath my tattered, mud-caked pants, I’m still wearing the pair of swimming trunks that I drowned in when I was just a young boy because two of the Camp Crystal Lake counselors were too busy having sex to make sure that no one died! Call it sappy or sentimental if you must, but for me these swim trunks are symbolic. They remind me why I’ve viciously murdered dozens and dozens of people over the last three decades. Also, I like the netting.

***

Dear Jason –

What did you think about the whole Osama Bin Laden thing? USA USA USA!

Bill, Brooklyn NY

Dear Bill-

Look, you definitely won’t find me arguing that certain people don’t need killing. I mean, come on. But all the celebration struck me as a little unnecessary. You gotta keep it cool, America. Act like you’ve been there before. You think I didn’t get the urge to fist pump after that time I impaled those two horny seniors with one harpoon? It was a two-fer! Of course I did! But, I internalized those feelings of triumph, just like I do with all my feelings, forcing them down into the safe place that only people disguised in my later mother’s sweater are allowed access to. Because there’s always a next one.

***

Dear Jason –

I have read recently about the possibility of the Chinese housing bubble popping. How likely do you think this is and what kind of effects on the world’s economy will it have?

Thank you,

ackypoo, Madison WI

Dear Mr. Ackypoo-

The bubble has burst.

Interesting question. I’m not an economist, so indulge me while I take a stab at your question in a vernacular that I’m more comfortable with. Let’s say that a market develops around mass murdering. As long as I’m out there doing what I do best, investors would be raking it in, and everyone (except horny teenagers and their grieving parents) would be happy. Don’t even get me started on the complex swaps and derivatives that would let cagey brokers make money off the people I DON’T murder. The only hedges I’m interested in are the kind I can suddenly leap out of, you know what I mean? Anyway, the murder bubble would grow, at least until some clever asshole virgin ties me to a rock and throws me in a lake. What happens then? The bubble bursts. In America, that means our private banks would lose money, tightening up the availability of credit, and leading to a mess similar to the one we’re in now. China, on the other hand, has already taken steps to deflate their housing bubble. That’s like someone standing over my shoulder and telling me I can only murder a certain amount of people every night. Downright un-American. Even if the Chinese bubble does make like a high school quarterback’s Adam’s apple in my fist and pop, their banks are controlled by the government. Those losses would just be absorbed, thus there shouldn’t really be an effect on the world economy. So rest easy, friend, knowing that the world economy is in no imminent danger from China’s housing bubble, and that you’re in no personal danger from me because anyone interested in asking an immortal killing machine about economics is a sexless shut-in not worth murdering.

***

Dear Mr. Voorhees,

This summer will see the release of the fifth movie in the Final Destination series. Not many horror franchises make to #5, especially these days. Does Final Destination belong in the pantheon of great horror franchises?

Roger, Chicago IL

Dear Roger-

I’m glad you asked this question, because I rarely have time to discuss film while I’m hacking people up, and I actually have a lot to say, especially about horror movies. The Final Destination movies are a farce. They threaten to put nice, hard-working psychopaths on the unemployment line. Who’s the bad guy in Final Destination? Death? With a capital “D”? Some intangible entity, some sort of invisible hand of fate? What the crap is that? That’s stupid. I will stab Death in the face and then slice open its stomach until its nonexistent entrails spill all over the floor. Suck one, Death. I’m Jason fucking Voorhees.

Hmm. Some good questions. Lots for this big frightened retard to ponder.

Dear Jason,

Ever since I read about that flight attendant quitting on JetBlue in such glorious fashion, I’ve been seriously considering leaving my own job in a similar blaze of glory. If you were me, how would you do it?

Ben, Madison WI

As life-affirming as that JetBlue flight attendant’s story is, it’s never a good idea to just quit your job on a whim, especially in this economy. If you’re really serious about leaving and not just having a bad day, you should start by polishing up the old resume and floating it out there to potential employers. There’s no reason to quit your current job until you’ve locked up a new one. You should also figure out a budget of your monthly expenses so that you have a clear idea of what you need in terms of income. Then, take that figure and multiply it by 6 months – that’s how much you should have in your savings account at all times, just in case. You’ll also want to find out how long it takes for you to be vested at your current job. You don’t want to just leave behind what you’ve earned on your 401K! All that said, when it does come time to quit, a lot of people believe in giving a proper two weeks notice, but that’s irrelevant if you follow my advice which is to behead every fucking person in the office with a machete on your way out the door.

* * *

Mr. Voorhees,

One of my college buddies is already married and they just had a baby girl. I’m still a drunken layabout, so this all pretty new to me. Should I get them a present? Should I get the baby a present? What’s the etiquette here? What kind of present is appropriate?

Ken, Tampa FL

Here’s the thing, you can never go wrong by getting someone a gift when it’s not required, but you can go wrong by not getting them something when it’s considered appropriate or, even worse, expected. So I always err on the side of giving. Everyone loves gifts, so why not! As far as what to give, this is a big moment for the baby (obviously) and the proud parents. You want to give them something unique, memorable and from the heart. With that in mind, I have a slightly “out-of-the-box” suggestion that I think will make an impression. Here’s what you do, you pay a surprise visit to your friend, you murder him and his wife in front of the newborn baby, traumatizing her for life. Then, you lay low for, I don’t know, 16, maybe 20 years. You just disappear. You’re a ghost. Then, as the anniversary of her parents’ death approaches, you start stalking the now supple and well proportioned young lady. You chase her around, you murder her friends and boyfriend, maybe a store owner and a few cops. Then, when you’ve got her cornered, dead to rights, you slip up and she kills you, finally avenging her parents and making everything ok. I promise you, it’ll be a baby gift she’ll never forget.

* * *

Welcome to the future, Laurie!

Jason,

I’ve been reading about Albert Einstein recently and I find his thoughts on time travel fascinating. It’s crazy to me that someone so intelligent could believe in such an out there concept. So what do you think? Is time travel possible?

Laurie, Brooklyn NY

Is time travel possible? Huh. I don’t know. You tell me, Laurie. Ever heard of a little movie called Jason X when I do some galactic terrorizing in the year 2455? Oh, you have? It’s your favorite of my movies? You love the part when I freeze that lady’s face in liquid nitrogen and then smash it on a counter? Well then surely you’re familiar with Freddy vs. Jason where I’m back in modern times. How did you think I did that? Not only is time travel possible, I’m capable of doing it anytime I want. So, I hope that answers your question, Laurie. Not that it matters. You’re not reading this. Because I just time jumped back to the year 1946 and murdered your grandparents, ending your entire bloodline. You’ve been time slashed!

* * *

Hi Jason,

I have a big first date tonight! What should I do to impress her?

John, Brooklyn NY

First dates can be tough! I’m not a superficial guy. If you ask me, the best way to impress a girl is to just be interesting. Be smart and funny, have good conversation, and don’t just be interesting, but also be interested. Listen to her. I mean, really listen. Another good way to impress her is later on, when you’ve retired to her place for some love-making and I come smashing in there to murder you both, sacrifice yourself to save her life. I promise I’ll let you get some good punches in before I open up your belly, pull out your guts, and strangle you with them. After that, sure you’ll be dead, but she’ll be thinking about how impressive your bravery was. You’ll be remembered, if only in the few fleeting moments before I knock down the bathroom door where she’s hiding and cave her head in on the sink. It’ll be a memorable date! Well not really because the part of her brain that stores memory will just be goo clogging a drain, but you get the idea, fornicator.

We'll miss you, Jason!

Dear Jason,

Do you have a favorite machete?

Sean, Tacoma, WA

Dear Sean,

Thanks for your question. It’s always bothered me that I’ve become so identified with the machete. The connection certainly has some merit, but I’ve always prided myself more on my resourcefulness than anything else. But on to your question.

I really never stray from the Latin style machete. Its long reach and small handle makes it incredibly easy to hit blade to flesh. A bolo machete will work in a pinch. I tend to opt for longer blades, in the 18-20 inch range. I mean, when I run someone through, I want to see it come out the other end. And weight isn’t really a concern for me because I have super strength.

I prefer to stay away from machetes with fancy adornments. Not to sound shallow, but the look is important to me. And I go for simple and iconic. It’s becoming harder and harder to find machetes without the saw on the spine of the blade, which really irks me. It’s not all that noticeable, but I don’t care for it. First of all, while it doesn’t affect your chopping motion, it makes digging it out of a body a bit more difficult. And second, it really doesn’t have much practical use for me. I’m not chopping down trees over here.

All that said, my preferred machete is Cold Steel’s 18 inch Latin model. It mixes a classic look with modern construction. I wish the blade were a bit stiffer, but it suits my needs better than anything else I’ve found, and is my choice for when you absolutely need something dead right now. Tell ‘em “the big guy in the hockey mask” sent ya.

* * *

Dear Jason,

Me and my dogs love your movies and they wanted to know if you have a dog or any pets of your own.  If so would you like to meet up at the dog park for a play date?

Gerald, Madison WI

Dear Gerald,

No, I don’t have a dog. You know when you pet a dog’s head roughly and you can sort of see its eyes bug out? Yeah, that happens to me a lot, only way worse. Anyway, I noticed that you said it was “your dogs” that wanted to know about a play date. Don’t do that. Don’t personify your dogs. I know, this is coming from a guy that takes orders from his dead mother, but giving your animals personality like that is just dorky.

* * *

Dear Jason,

I really enjoyed your Thanksgiving advice in yesterday’s column. Could you give us some more details about brining a turkey? I think I’m going to try that this year. Thanks!

Laura, New York NY

Dear Laura,

Aaaaarrrrggh! I can't find my notes from yesterday. I just tore the office apart looking for them [ed. note- when Jason says he "tore the office apart," he means it quite literally. He smashed a desk in half, he punched a hole in the wall. He threw Carl Alter out a window! We don't even know if he's OK. Then he headed outside and took a garbage can to some cars, before he ripped a door off one of those cars and threw it at a passing tractor trailer, which burst into flames when it crashed into a bridge abutment. Then, he started throwing flaming shrapnel around. Needless to say, we're relieved Jason Week is almost over. Now back to the psycho]. Next question!

* * *

Dear Jason,

I have seen a lot of sex going on in your movies but I never see any going on for you.  Any particular reason why?

Aquanetta, Atlanta GA

Dear Aquanetta,

Haven't been able to bag my dream girl yet.

If you’ve seen my movies then you should be pretty familiar with my stance on premarital sex. I’m against it. It was premarital sex that caused me to die. The first time. That’s why you never see me “hooking up” (as the kids like to say) in any of my movies. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that sexual love shouldn’t be expressed outside the confines of marriage. And if you disagree with that, please grab your significant other and find a tent to sex in so that I can double impale you. All that isn’t to say that I’m not constantly on the prowl for the future Mrs. Voorhees. Mom would sure like some grandchildren. It’s just tough to find a woman in these so-called liberated times that hasn’t already gone and sullied herself. Let’s face it – most women are irresponsible whores. But, if you know one that isn’t, please give her my contact information. I’m sure there’s got to be someone out there that can love a big, strong, motivated man like myself. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, they say, which would be more reassuring if I wasn’t so terrified of water. Oh well, being an immortal killing machine and all, I guess I have plenty of time to find the sheath for my machete.

* * *

Yo What Up Jay,

Why are you such a frightened retard?

Brian, Rochester NY

Dear Brian,

I’m coming for you.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Hey Mr. Voorhees!

I am a 17 yog with blonde hair blue eyes and, let's face it, boobs way too huge for my age. I've been told that I'm "not the brightest" but really like whatevs I'm totally hot.

Rumor has it there is like some kind of crazy serial killer roaming around my town and I'd like to know if you have any tips for me to stay out of danger, or if I should like consider changing any of my plans for this weekend. I plan to throw a like totally awesome rager party at my parents house while they were away. Invite like all of my jock and cheerleader friends and my like one black friend. The theme is gonna be girls in lingerie and guys in jerseys, I totally thought of it myself. I want to remove all the lightbulbs in the house and instead have some like totally spooky lights and candles. I also want to like have a séance (thanks spellchecker!) in my basement to find out if it's true about the little girl who died in my house. If there's time, I also want to check out this old shack in the woods where like people say this like spooky witch lives, and if the party goes really well or I have too many wine coolers LOLZ l think I will  finally give in and have sex with my older hunky boyfriend—people say he's a bad boy but he totally loves me (like duh, I'm hot) and I just know we're gonna be together forever.

Totally rad right? I can't wait to debut my bunny lingerie! It's gonna be just like a Playboy party except for like we're still in high school.

OHMIGOD if you don't have plans you should totally for sure come! The address is 1212 Main St, BYOB!!!!!

See you like this weekend!

Tiffany, West Lake, FL

Dear “Tiffany”-

Tricky little bastard.

Oh, so you’re having a high school sex party, are you? You’ve got big heaving breasts, do you? You even have a black friend? Bullshit. How gullible do you think I am, old friend? Did you really think I’d fall for such an old trick? This is e-mail, dude, it’s not even a futuristic space hologram, and I’d recognize the stink of Tommy Jarvis anywhere, even in cyberspace. I know you’re out there, Tommy, popping your Zoloft and trying desperately to make your hair look as cool as it did in the 80s. Give it up. You’re never going to best me. I’m Jason Voorhees. You’re Tommy Jarvis. You’re a has-been. You don’t have a cool robot sidekick, or even a hit show on the CW. It’s over. Go back to your weird rural mental institution or, gasp, consider getting a job and becoming a productive member of society. Stop pretending to be a girl. It’s pathetic.

* * *

Dear Jason,

How do you make a moist turkey? Please help make my Thanksgiving AWESOME.

Love,

Sheri, Bald Knob, AK

Dear Sheri

In my opinion, a freshly killed turkey is the best. I assume since you live in Arkansas that this shouldn’t be a problem for you. You might also want to consider brining your turkey. That’s where you soak the bird in a brining solution 24 hours in advance. You’ll want to make sure your bird is all natural though, otherwise it will come out too salty. Shouldn’t be a problem if you killed it yourself. I love you too, you remind me of my Mom.

* * *

Jason,

I will be hosting my first Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I hate to admit it-- but I don't know the first thing about carving a twenty pound turkey.  I thought maybe you could provide some instruction?  I would hate to give my battle axe mother-in-law one more thing to complain about.  (Feel free to throw in advice about dealing w/ a difficult in-law during Holiday occasions.) Thanks!

Angela, Chicago

Dear Angela,

Wow, I guess my Thanksgiving advice is really in demand! If you follow my instructions for brining a turkey, you should have a tender bird that is super easy to carve. I’m not big on fancy carving techniques. Just remember to carve it just like you would a person, and you’ll be fine. As for that battle axe mother-in-law of yours, just remember, she’s not your real mother. She might put on your mother’s old sweater and spray some of her perfume, but don’t be fooled, she’s just trying to confuse you. I recommend stabbing her through the eye with a serving fork. Not sure that I’ve even tried that one. Let me know how it turns out!

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Camp Crystal Lake Killer-

I am thinking of starting a camp for nubile women and emasculated men. Any tips on how to make it safe for them to frolic around?

-John from West Virginia

Dear John-
First of all, John, that's alleged Camp Crystal Lake Killer, if you don't mind. This might surprise you, but I have never been to court, not even for so much as a parking ticket. I have a pair of really good lawyers - Mr. Machetestein and Mr. Axtraub (you can tell they're good because they're Jewish).

Allow me to answer your question with a question. Why would you want to open a camp for nubile women and force them to mix with emasculated men? Doesn't make sense. I wouldn't necessarily refer to myself as a ladies’ man, but I'm pretty sure that attractive women aren't going to want to frolic with a bunch of wimps. There's nothing I can do to help you unless you change your basic premise. Good looking ladies want alpha males; the kind of strong take-charge man that can confidently burst from a shadowy closet, press a harpoon to their tender necks, and give them what-for. And anyway, what you're describing doesn't even sound like a camp. Adults don't go to camp, idiot. What you're describing sounds like a classic orgytown.

If that's the case, let me assure you, there is very little that you can do to keep your swingers safe.  You would need a professional like me to have a look around. Once you're up and running (and assuming you get any takers at all, weirdo) I'd be happy to execute what I call a test frolic. Have you ever tied someone to a tree and then frolicked the hell out of them with some rusty razor wire? I'd like to start there.

* * *

Dear Jason-

What is it that has made you last so long in the business?  I have made 8 movies, meanwhile you have made 12.  12 fucking movies!  That's it I’m firing my agent and when I say fire, I mean I'm going to kill him and hang his remains from my front door.

-Freddy, The Dreamscape

Dear Freddy-

We're fighting! Or dancing.

We’ve been over this. I explained all of it to you when we were wrestling at the bottom of Crystal Lake right before I separated your head from your body. First, you made a huge mistake when you signed on for Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. That’s a career staller. Sure, it was an innovative, aggressive mindfuck of a horror movie. But it was also self indulgent, post modern gobbledygook. Our fans don’t want to see us “push the genre forward.” It’s bad enough you have this whole “dream killer” thing going on. Even when I went to the future, I remained true to myself. I just kept pushing machetes through bodies, preferably mid-coitus. Secondly, your body counts are pathetic. How many did you drop when we teamed up? Two? I killed an entire cornfield keg party. Plus, dude, you’re a pederast. Nobody likes that. It’s gross.

* * *

Yo Jason,

In Friday the XIII Part VII "Jason takes Manhattan". You ran through New York like you owned the place. Who do you think you are Mayor Bloomberg?

-Guiseppe (Joe), Staten Island

Dear Joe-

No. I’m Jason fucking Voorhees. I’m what’s going on.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Jason-

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

-Cindy, Scranton PA

Dear Cindy-

Well, holidays have been a little tough since Mom was beheaded by Alice Hardy. Plus, I don't really have a ton of "friends." But I'll probably cook a big turkey, mash some potatoes, play a little football with the neighborhood kids, catch up on Dexter (great show), root for the Lions, forage for some left overs and then hit the sack. No big deal. By the way, everything I just said is a euphemism for murdering people.

***

Dear Mr. Voorhees-
My husband recently came back home from a hunting trip and had blood all over his clothes. Do you have any tips on how to remove it?

-Miriam, South Dakota

Dear Mrs. Miriam-

Why bother?

***

Dear Jason-

Do you like it when big nippled ladies don't wear bras and run through the woods?

-Jess, Brooklyn NY

Dear Jess-

Please don't make me go to Manhattan again.

Yes, I do like it when big nippled ladies don't wear bras and run through the woods. Sometimes, it's nice to just be able to do some killing right outside your front door. In these tough economic times, many parents are no longer sending their kids to summer camp. Lots of people fail to understand that when times are tough for Camp Crystal Lake, they're tough for Jason Voorhees too.

In the past, when the camp has been deserted, I've had to go all over creation to maim and slaughter. Into town. Off to Manhattan (what an exhausting weekend that was!). To hell. That's right, one time I had to go to hell just to find some people to murder. And there's no reason why Camp Crystal Lake shouldn't be at capacity every summer. Our kids are becoming more and more insulated with the video games and the iPods and the pot. I mean, childhood obesity in this country is downright scary.

Here at Crystal Lake, we have it all. A beautiful, safe lake perfect for recreation. A team of incredibly caring and attentive counselors. Miles of untouched nature great for hiking. Heck, you're likely to get lost out there. So, make the summer of 2010 a Crystal Lake summer for your little ones. Oh Gosh! Would you look at that. Next year, August has a Friday the 13th. That'll be so much fun. For the kids.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Jason-

I’m nineteen years old and I’ve never learned how to swim. I try to hide it from my friends because I’m embarrassed, but I end up missing out on a lot of fun stuff. Going to the beach, sneaking into the hotel pool after prom, skinny dipping at the lake, etc. I know I could sign up for swimming lessons, but those seem like they’d be full of little kids. That would be too humiliating! Is there a discreet and normal way for me to learn?

-Jake, Rochester NY

Dear Jake-

Swimming is pretty overrated, but the best way to learn is to just dive right in. Literally! The human body is naturally buoyant, so for starters you might want to just float around a little and get comfortable in the water. If you’re concerned about safety (and you should be), you could always buy a life jacket or some of those plastic swimmies (personally, I’ve never found a pair that fit). Once you’re comfortable in the water, try taking off the life jacket. Don’t worry if you go under. Some nice girl with a canoe will always come along so that you can pull yourself back up to the surface. And if you sink all the way to the bottom, eventually a telekinetic teenager will mistakenly lift you free. Just be patient. In my experience, these things have a way of working themselves out. You can breathe underwater, right? Or is that just me? Please let me know what lake you and your friends skinny-dip at. Sounds like fun.

* * *

Dear Jason-

Who would win in a fight? Casey Jones or “Battlin’” Billy Smith?

-Eric, Staten Island

Dear Eric-

Oh wow! A hockey mask question! Did you work extra hard on that one? I guess you thought that because I only feel comfortable wearing a hockey mask in public due to my hideously disfigured face and misshapen head, I must be the expert on every asshole, both real and fictional, that’s ever bit my style and donned a mask. Whatever. Putting your inanity aside – Billy Smith was one of the most brutal hockey goalies of all time and Casey Jones is a fictional character that sometimes helps the Ninja Turtles. Keep in mind that I once took the entire island of Manhattan in like 20 minutes and Casey Jones didn’t do a darn thing about, and Billy Smith was probably busy hiding out on the Staten Island, a place I wouldn’t even go to murder a multiethnic orgy. Ahhh…tough one. I’m going with Casey. He’s got more weapons. I admire versatility.

* * *

Dear Jason-

I'm a 22 year old male who, for the first time in his life, is responsible for a living space that isn't a college dorm. I feel like these milk crates and this poster of John Belushi with his College sweater aren't really suitable for an adult. And don't even get me started on my empty liquor bottle collection. Any advice how to spruce up my first "adult" apartment?

-Ben, San Francisco CA

Dear Ben-

Tasteful. Elegant.

I'm really happy that you wrote in. Interior decorating is actually a hobby of mine but I rarely have the opportunity to share my knowledge with others. My first rule is to keep things simple! Too much decoration can just end up looking like clutter. It will create a more anxious environment and it will overwhelm visitors. You can have a sparsely decorated shed that will absolutely WOW anyone who happens to wander in from the woods. Just invest in a few nice furnishings and they'll be speechless, except for the occasional shriek of delight. Next, don't be afraid to let your personality shine through. After all, it is your home. Feel free to put your interests on display and highlight things that are important to you. If you want to put up a tasteful shrine to your deceased mother, GO FOR IT! Just remember my first rule. Too ostentatious and you'll look like you're fishing for sympathy. A few candles along with something that was important to the deceased (something personal, maybe a favorite item of clothing), plus your mother's decomposing head should really do the trick. Finally, my last bit of advice, one of the most important and often overlooked aspects of keeping an attractive home is cleanliness. Make sure everything is neat and orderly. Make sure that all machetes, pitchforks and other murder tools are stowed away safely. Not only does it look nice, it cuts down on the chances that they'll be used against you by intruders. Follow these tips, Ben, and you'll be well on your way to creating a home any adult would be proud of. One last thing, I'd be happy to come over and help you hang some pictures or move furniture. Just send me your address.