We'll miss you, Jason!

Dear Jason,

Do you have a favorite machete?

Sean, Tacoma, WA

Dear Sean,

Thanks for your question. It’s always bothered me that I’ve become so identified with the machete. The connection certainly has some merit, but I’ve always prided myself more on my resourcefulness than anything else. But on to your question.

I really never stray from the Latin style machete. Its long reach and small handle makes it incredibly easy to hit blade to flesh. A bolo machete will work in a pinch. I tend to opt for longer blades, in the 18-20 inch range. I mean, when I run someone through, I want to see it come out the other end. And weight isn’t really a concern for me because I have super strength.

I prefer to stay away from machetes with fancy adornments. Not to sound shallow, but the look is important to me. And I go for simple and iconic. It’s becoming harder and harder to find machetes without the saw on the spine of the blade, which really irks me. It’s not all that noticeable, but I don’t care for it. First of all, while it doesn’t affect your chopping motion, it makes digging it out of a body a bit more difficult. And second, it really doesn’t have much practical use for me. I’m not chopping down trees over here.

All that said, my preferred machete is Cold Steel’s 18 inch Latin model. It mixes a classic look with modern construction. I wish the blade were a bit stiffer, but it suits my needs better than anything else I’ve found, and is my choice for when you absolutely need something dead right now. Tell ‘em “the big guy in the hockey mask” sent ya.

* * *

Dear Jason,

Me and my dogs love your movies and they wanted to know if you have a dog or any pets of your own.  If so would you like to meet up at the dog park for a play date?

Gerald, Madison WI

Dear Gerald,

No, I don’t have a dog. You know when you pet a dog’s head roughly and you can sort of see its eyes bug out? Yeah, that happens to me a lot, only way worse. Anyway, I noticed that you said it was “your dogs” that wanted to know about a play date. Don’t do that. Don’t personify your dogs. I know, this is coming from a guy that takes orders from his dead mother, but giving your animals personality like that is just dorky.

* * *

Dear Jason,

I really enjoyed your Thanksgiving advice in yesterday’s column. Could you give us some more details about brining a turkey? I think I’m going to try that this year. Thanks!

Laura, New York NY

Dear Laura,

Aaaaarrrrggh! I can't find my notes from yesterday. I just tore the office apart looking for them [ed. note- when Jason says he "tore the office apart," he means it quite literally. He smashed a desk in half, he punched a hole in the wall. He threw Carl Alter out a window! We don't even know if he's OK. Then he headed outside and took a garbage can to some cars, before he ripped a door off one of those cars and threw it at a passing tractor trailer, which burst into flames when it crashed into a bridge abutment. Then, he started throwing flaming shrapnel around. Needless to say, we're relieved Jason Week is almost over. Now back to the psycho]. Next question!

* * *

Dear Jason,

I have seen a lot of sex going on in your movies but I never see any going on for you.  Any particular reason why?

Aquanetta, Atlanta GA

Dear Aquanetta,

Haven't been able to bag my dream girl yet.

If you’ve seen my movies then you should be pretty familiar with my stance on premarital sex. I’m against it. It was premarital sex that caused me to die. The first time. That’s why you never see me “hooking up” (as the kids like to say) in any of my movies. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that sexual love shouldn’t be expressed outside the confines of marriage. And if you disagree with that, please grab your significant other and find a tent to sex in so that I can double impale you. All that isn’t to say that I’m not constantly on the prowl for the future Mrs. Voorhees. Mom would sure like some grandchildren. It’s just tough to find a woman in these so-called liberated times that hasn’t already gone and sullied herself. Let’s face it – most women are irresponsible whores. But, if you know one that isn’t, please give her my contact information. I’m sure there’s got to be someone out there that can love a big, strong, motivated man like myself. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, they say, which would be more reassuring if I wasn’t so terrified of water. Oh well, being an immortal killing machine and all, I guess I have plenty of time to find the sheath for my machete.

* * *

Yo What Up Jay,

Why are you such a frightened retard?

Brian, Rochester NY

Dear Brian,

I’m coming for you.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Hey Mr. Voorhees!

I am a 17 yog with blonde hair blue eyes and, let's face it, boobs way too huge for my age. I've been told that I'm "not the brightest" but really like whatevs I'm totally hot.

Rumor has it there is like some kind of crazy serial killer roaming around my town and I'd like to know if you have any tips for me to stay out of danger, or if I should like consider changing any of my plans for this weekend. I plan to throw a like totally awesome rager party at my parents house while they were away. Invite like all of my jock and cheerleader friends and my like one black friend. The theme is gonna be girls in lingerie and guys in jerseys, I totally thought of it myself. I want to remove all the lightbulbs in the house and instead have some like totally spooky lights and candles. I also want to like have a séance (thanks spellchecker!) in my basement to find out if it's true about the little girl who died in my house. If there's time, I also want to check out this old shack in the woods where like people say this like spooky witch lives, and if the party goes really well or I have too many wine coolers LOLZ l think I will  finally give in and have sex with my older hunky boyfriend—people say he's a bad boy but he totally loves me (like duh, I'm hot) and I just know we're gonna be together forever.

Totally rad right? I can't wait to debut my bunny lingerie! It's gonna be just like a Playboy party except for like we're still in high school.

OHMIGOD if you don't have plans you should totally for sure come! The address is 1212 Main St, BYOB!!!!!

See you like this weekend!

Tiffany, West Lake, FL

Dear “Tiffany”-

Tricky little bastard.

Oh, so you’re having a high school sex party, are you? You’ve got big heaving breasts, do you? You even have a black friend? Bullshit. How gullible do you think I am, old friend? Did you really think I’d fall for such an old trick? This is e-mail, dude, it’s not even a futuristic space hologram, and I’d recognize the stink of Tommy Jarvis anywhere, even in cyberspace. I know you’re out there, Tommy, popping your Zoloft and trying desperately to make your hair look as cool as it did in the 80s. Give it up. You’re never going to best me. I’m Jason Voorhees. You’re Tommy Jarvis. You’re a has-been. You don’t have a cool robot sidekick, or even a hit show on the CW. It’s over. Go back to your weird rural mental institution or, gasp, consider getting a job and becoming a productive member of society. Stop pretending to be a girl. It’s pathetic.

* * *

Dear Jason,

How do you make a moist turkey? Please help make my Thanksgiving AWESOME.

Love,

Sheri, Bald Knob, AK

Dear Sheri

In my opinion, a freshly killed turkey is the best. I assume since you live in Arkansas that this shouldn’t be a problem for you. You might also want to consider brining your turkey. That’s where you soak the bird in a brining solution 24 hours in advance. You’ll want to make sure your bird is all natural though, otherwise it will come out too salty. Shouldn’t be a problem if you killed it yourself. I love you too, you remind me of my Mom.

* * *

Jason,

I will be hosting my first Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I hate to admit it-- but I don't know the first thing about carving a twenty pound turkey.  I thought maybe you could provide some instruction?  I would hate to give my battle axe mother-in-law one more thing to complain about.  (Feel free to throw in advice about dealing w/ a difficult in-law during Holiday occasions.) Thanks!

Angela, Chicago

Dear Angela,

Wow, I guess my Thanksgiving advice is really in demand! If you follow my instructions for brining a turkey, you should have a tender bird that is super easy to carve. I’m not big on fancy carving techniques. Just remember to carve it just like you would a person, and you’ll be fine. As for that battle axe mother-in-law of yours, just remember, she’s not your real mother. She might put on your mother’s old sweater and spray some of her perfume, but don’t be fooled, she’s just trying to confuse you. I recommend stabbing her through the eye with a serving fork. Not sure that I’ve even tried that one. Let me know how it turns out!

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Camp Crystal Lake Killer-

I am thinking of starting a camp for nubile women and emasculated men. Any tips on how to make it safe for them to frolic around?

-John from West Virginia

Dear John-
First of all, John, that's alleged Camp Crystal Lake Killer, if you don't mind. This might surprise you, but I have never been to court, not even for so much as a parking ticket. I have a pair of really good lawyers - Mr. Machetestein and Mr. Axtraub (you can tell they're good because they're Jewish).

Allow me to answer your question with a question. Why would you want to open a camp for nubile women and force them to mix with emasculated men? Doesn't make sense. I wouldn't necessarily refer to myself as a ladies’ man, but I'm pretty sure that attractive women aren't going to want to frolic with a bunch of wimps. There's nothing I can do to help you unless you change your basic premise. Good looking ladies want alpha males; the kind of strong take-charge man that can confidently burst from a shadowy closet, press a harpoon to their tender necks, and give them what-for. And anyway, what you're describing doesn't even sound like a camp. Adults don't go to camp, idiot. What you're describing sounds like a classic orgytown.

If that's the case, let me assure you, there is very little that you can do to keep your swingers safe.  You would need a professional like me to have a look around. Once you're up and running (and assuming you get any takers at all, weirdo) I'd be happy to execute what I call a test frolic. Have you ever tied someone to a tree and then frolicked the hell out of them with some rusty razor wire? I'd like to start there.

* * *

Dear Jason-

What is it that has made you last so long in the business?  I have made 8 movies, meanwhile you have made 12.  12 fucking movies!  That's it I’m firing my agent and when I say fire, I mean I'm going to kill him and hang his remains from my front door.

-Freddy, The Dreamscape

Dear Freddy-

We're fighting! Or dancing.

We’ve been over this. I explained all of it to you when we were wrestling at the bottom of Crystal Lake right before I separated your head from your body. First, you made a huge mistake when you signed on for Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. That’s a career staller. Sure, it was an innovative, aggressive mindfuck of a horror movie. But it was also self indulgent, post modern gobbledygook. Our fans don’t want to see us “push the genre forward.” It’s bad enough you have this whole “dream killer” thing going on. Even when I went to the future, I remained true to myself. I just kept pushing machetes through bodies, preferably mid-coitus. Secondly, your body counts are pathetic. How many did you drop when we teamed up? Two? I killed an entire cornfield keg party. Plus, dude, you’re a pederast. Nobody likes that. It’s gross.

* * *

Yo Jason,

In Friday the XIII Part VII "Jason takes Manhattan". You ran through New York like you owned the place. Who do you think you are Mayor Bloomberg?

-Guiseppe (Joe), Staten Island

Dear Joe-

No. I’m Jason fucking Voorhees. I’m what’s going on.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Jason-

What are your plans for Thanksgiving?

-Cindy, Scranton PA

Dear Cindy-

Well, holidays have been a little tough since Mom was beheaded by Alice Hardy. Plus, I don't really have a ton of "friends." But I'll probably cook a big turkey, mash some potatoes, play a little football with the neighborhood kids, catch up on Dexter (great show), root for the Lions, forage for some left overs and then hit the sack. No big deal. By the way, everything I just said is a euphemism for murdering people.

***

Dear Mr. Voorhees-
My husband recently came back home from a hunting trip and had blood all over his clothes. Do you have any tips on how to remove it?

-Miriam, South Dakota

Dear Mrs. Miriam-

Why bother?

***

Dear Jason-

Do you like it when big nippled ladies don't wear bras and run through the woods?

-Jess, Brooklyn NY

Dear Jess-

Please don't make me go to Manhattan again.

Yes, I do like it when big nippled ladies don't wear bras and run through the woods. Sometimes, it's nice to just be able to do some killing right outside your front door. In these tough economic times, many parents are no longer sending their kids to summer camp. Lots of people fail to understand that when times are tough for Camp Crystal Lake, they're tough for Jason Voorhees too.

In the past, when the camp has been deserted, I've had to go all over creation to maim and slaughter. Into town. Off to Manhattan (what an exhausting weekend that was!). To hell. That's right, one time I had to go to hell just to find some people to murder. And there's no reason why Camp Crystal Lake shouldn't be at capacity every summer. Our kids are becoming more and more insulated with the video games and the iPods and the pot. I mean, childhood obesity in this country is downright scary.

Here at Crystal Lake, we have it all. A beautiful, safe lake perfect for recreation. A team of incredibly caring and attentive counselors. Miles of untouched nature great for hiking. Heck, you're likely to get lost out there. So, make the summer of 2010 a Crystal Lake summer for your little ones. Oh Gosh! Would you look at that. Next year, August has a Friday the 13th. That'll be so much fun. For the kids.

Go ahead, ask him. Voorhees@cultureblues.com

Dear Jason-

I’m nineteen years old and I’ve never learned how to swim. I try to hide it from my friends because I’m embarrassed, but I end up missing out on a lot of fun stuff. Going to the beach, sneaking into the hotel pool after prom, skinny dipping at the lake, etc. I know I could sign up for swimming lessons, but those seem like they’d be full of little kids. That would be too humiliating! Is there a discreet and normal way for me to learn?

-Jake, Rochester NY

Dear Jake-

Swimming is pretty overrated, but the best way to learn is to just dive right in. Literally! The human body is naturally buoyant, so for starters you might want to just float around a little and get comfortable in the water. If you’re concerned about safety (and you should be), you could always buy a life jacket or some of those plastic swimmies (personally, I’ve never found a pair that fit). Once you’re comfortable in the water, try taking off the life jacket. Don’t worry if you go under. Some nice girl with a canoe will always come along so that you can pull yourself back up to the surface. And if you sink all the way to the bottom, eventually a telekinetic teenager will mistakenly lift you free. Just be patient. In my experience, these things have a way of working themselves out. You can breathe underwater, right? Or is that just me? Please let me know what lake you and your friends skinny-dip at. Sounds like fun.

* * *

Dear Jason-

Who would win in a fight? Casey Jones or “Battlin’” Billy Smith?

-Eric, Staten Island

Dear Eric-

Oh wow! A hockey mask question! Did you work extra hard on that one? I guess you thought that because I only feel comfortable wearing a hockey mask in public due to my hideously disfigured face and misshapen head, I must be the expert on every asshole, both real and fictional, that’s ever bit my style and donned a mask. Whatever. Putting your inanity aside – Billy Smith was one of the most brutal hockey goalies of all time and Casey Jones is a fictional character that sometimes helps the Ninja Turtles. Keep in mind that I once took the entire island of Manhattan in like 20 minutes and Casey Jones didn’t do a darn thing about, and Billy Smith was probably busy hiding out on the Staten Island, a place I wouldn’t even go to murder a multiethnic orgy. Ahhh…tough one. I’m going with Casey. He’s got more weapons. I admire versatility.

* * *

Dear Jason-

I'm a 22 year old male who, for the first time in his life, is responsible for a living space that isn't a college dorm. I feel like these milk crates and this poster of John Belushi with his College sweater aren't really suitable for an adult. And don't even get me started on my empty liquor bottle collection. Any advice how to spruce up my first "adult" apartment?

-Ben, San Francisco CA

Dear Ben-

Tasteful. Elegant.

I'm really happy that you wrote in. Interior decorating is actually a hobby of mine but I rarely have the opportunity to share my knowledge with others. My first rule is to keep things simple! Too much decoration can just end up looking like clutter. It will create a more anxious environment and it will overwhelm visitors. You can have a sparsely decorated shed that will absolutely WOW anyone who happens to wander in from the woods. Just invest in a few nice furnishings and they'll be speechless, except for the occasional shriek of delight. Next, don't be afraid to let your personality shine through. After all, it is your home. Feel free to put your interests on display and highlight things that are important to you. If you want to put up a tasteful shrine to your deceased mother, GO FOR IT! Just remember my first rule. Too ostentatious and you'll look like you're fishing for sympathy. A few candles along with something that was important to the deceased (something personal, maybe a favorite item of clothing), plus your mother's decomposing head should really do the trick. Finally, my last bit of advice, one of the most important and often overlooked aspects of keeping an attractive home is cleanliness. Make sure everything is neat and orderly. Make sure that all machetes, pitchforks and other murder tools are stowed away safely. Not only does it look nice, it cuts down on the chances that they'll be used against you by intruders. Follow these tips, Ben, and you'll be well on your way to creating a home any adult would be proud of. One last thing, I'd be happy to come over and help you hang some pictures or move furniture. Just send me your address.