"It's this big."

(10) In political badass news, M.C. Joe Biden got the FCC all up in a tizzy this week as he dropped the F-bomb in order to punctuate his ceremonial hype-man spiel/introduction of President Obama...Um, not really. As he was still in the victorious afterglow of the Obama administration's landmark Health Care reform bill passing through the House of Representatives, Vice President Biden leaned into the President's ear and said "This is a big fucking deal" while still in range of the hot microphone. This use of profanity has been broadcast on every news affiliate that isn't controlled by a Theocratic or Communist dictatorship, and is just the kind of ammunition the Republican Party would need in order to bash the administration and Democratic majority. Except, of course, they didn't need any new material or flavor of the month YouTube clips when there’s so many bricks to throw through windows. The argument has been raised that this vulgarity shows the VP has a lack of class or intelligence (the man is a lawyer), and we here at Culture Blues are above such mean spirited opinions. Of course, we do think it is a fucking huge motherfucking deal.

(9) James Franco does what James Franco wants. A few years ago, it was continuing his education. A few months ago, it was an out-of-left-field stint on a soap opera. And this month, James Franco wants to have a short story published in Esquire. And to have a book of short fiction published in October. Apparently, the story is totally competent (and involves fantasizing about driving your car off overpasses), but who cares about that? James Franco entertains the shit out of James Franco, and that’s all that matters when you're James Franco.

(8) It should go without saying why we need to recognize in this column what would have been the 80^th birthday of Steve McQueen this week. We had a cake made, but then we crashed a car through it. Anyway, here’s a clip of McQueen doing something appropriately awesome.

Michael Cera and his flaming sword.

(7) This week, the teaser trailer for Scott Pilgrim vs The World set the internet ablaze. The movie, based on the cult favorite comic series, stars Michael Cera as Pilgrim, a love struck hipster boy forced to do battle with his would-be girlfriend’s seven evil exes. We never thought we’d use Michael Cera and badass in the same sentence, but here it is: Pilgrim is looking pretty badass. This probably has a lot to do with director Edgar Wright of Shaun of the Dead fame being at the helm. If anything should get you fired up for this one though, it’s the chance to finally see George Michael engage in fisticuffs with Bland – we mean Ann.

(6) Charles Bronson is the star of the popular Death Wish vigilante film franchise. But there’s an even more badass Charles Bronson, and for purposes of disambiguation, on Wikipedia he is simply known as “Charles Bronson (prisoner).” Since 1974, he has spent 122 days out of custody. His only crimes in the outside world were armed robbery, robbery and conspiracy to rob. The majority of his jail time is due to crimes committed IN prison, which include wounding, criminal damage, grievous bodily harm, false imprisonment, blackmail and threatening to kill. He’s been moved between prisons and mental institutions 120 times. He’s repeatedly taken hostages including guards, Iraqi hijackers, a civilian education officer and a deputy governor. And buried underneath all the violence, he might just be a brilliant, macho, nihilist philosopher. Or maybe just a sociopath. Last year a film about Bronson was released, titled Bronson, and we’ll be discussing it in our Instant Movie Club on Monday.

(5) What do Napoleon Bonaparte, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Ivan the Terrible have in common with a bunch of your Facebook friends? If you guessed “they’re all badasses” then you’re reading way too much into the theme of this Countdown (and you also don’t know your friends). The correct answer is syphilis! According to some egghead with a calculator and Excel proficiency over in England, cases of syphilis are spreading rapidly in areas where Facebook is most popular. Coincidence? Probably not. Anyway, while this might trouble those of you out there that have loads and loads of unprotected sex (Ben Van Iten), we’re pretty sure the biggest epidemic on Facebook is still Farmville.

Usher seen here illustrating what he'd like to do to your butt, and your friend's butt.

(4) Do you remember when Usher released his last album shortly after getting married? And critics felt the album offered a more mature Usher? Well, last year he filed for divorce when he apparently realized he wasn’t ready to only have sex with one woman, and now he’s released a single, “Lil Freak,” which is not only about threesomes, but about sending a female “friend” out to find another girl, so that you have to do literally nothing to bag two chicks at the end of the night. When asked about the lyrics, Usher said "It happens in this day and time. Those are the best chicks to be friends with, honestly." With other celebrities hiding behind claims both insincere (moments of weakness) and ridiculous (sex addiction), it’s nice to have someone say what we all know: famous men have sex with A TON of women without really trying. Maybe this is a more mature Usher. It’s at least a more honest one.

(3) In movies, soldiers are capable of seemingly superhuman feats. Absorbing tremendous amounts of punishment and continuing to battle. The Tournament featured many such men. But you know what? Those men exist in real life too. Cracked offers up 6 soldiers who continued to fight and kick ass despite getting totally fucked up. The one about the lone shrapnel-faced tank hunter is our personal favorite.

Awesome.

(2) Honestly, when we decided to do a special theme Countdown, we had no idea how difficult it would be to loosely tie around ten news stories from this week to the concept of “badass.” At this point, we’ve been reduced to Google blog searching the word. Which is how we found this picture of a dog in a dragon costume. So, you’re welcome.

(1) Over at Gawker, there’s an interesting article on how the approaching release of the iPad has begun to put Apple at odds with traditional print publishers. All this article does for us is reinforce something we’ve known for awhile now:  Steve Jobs is a mother fucker and Apple is hella evil. Seriously. Just because they’ve personified their corporation with Justin Long and have spent years gently whispering notions to your needy, fragile psyches of how super special and unique you are doesn’t make them any less pervasively awful than, say, Wal-Mart. We saw eighteen people jacked into identical iDevices on the subway this morning, by the way, and all of them – ALL OF THEM – were listening to Imogen Heap. For Christ’s sake people, when did we stop associating consistently wearing a black turtleneck with inherent evil? Has Lex Luthor taught you all nothing? We’re beginning to feel a little bit like Roddy Piper in They Live over here. By the way, stay tuned next week for the launch of the Culture Blues iPhone app. It shrieks incoherently at you when it detects you’re being fucked by The Man.

Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, and Giovanny Caquias contributed to this Countdown.

We're sure George Lucas will be cool with this.

(10)  How is this for a timeline? In 2003 (despite an overwhelming 94% of student support), Ole Miss dropped Colonel Reb as its mascot because it could be viewed as offensive to minorities (or anyone that acknowledges that the Civil War is, in fact, over). On Tuesday, students will take to the polls to choose a new mascot and it looks like the overwhelming favorite is… Admiral Ackbar?! Ackbar, the Star Wars character and leader of the Rebel Alliance has more than 15,000 friends on Facebook and a newly formed website to raise the profile of his candidacy. We here at Culture Blues fully support the Admiral in his quest, if for no other reason than an excuse to lobby for Admiral Ackbar Cereal. But seriously, this is awesome.

(9)  Last weekend, Apple got all puritanical on its own App store by purging it of any content judged to be "sexual in nature". With no warning to either developers or users, over 5000 apps were removed with no word on whether they would ever be returning. This cleansing is all a part of Apple's new content policy, which essentially states that any app with women or men in bikinis, showing any amount of excess skin at all, or which Apple censors find sexually arousing will be instantly rejected. Of course Playboy's app is still sitting pretty in the store, leading many to believe that this all has something to do with a content partnership deal that the two sides are working out for the iPad. There's no joke here because censorship isn't funny. Rest assured, there’s an entire subculture of jail breaking hackers out there who are hard at work trying to remedy this problem.

Correct us if we're wrong, but this was Best Picture in 2001, right?

(8)  Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. The hotly anticipated (by us) Zoolander sequel is finally in motion, with reports this week indicating that Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working on the script. This is great news for Ben Stiller who, thanks to Tropic Thunder and the upcoming Greenberg, is starting to regain some of his comedic credibility in our eyes. Oh wait – there’s a Meet the Fockers sequel in post-production? Nevermind.

(7)  In super, super-group news Thom Yorke has finally announced a name for his non-solo side project: Atoms For Peace. Bolstering an impressive all-star lineup of Yorke, THE Nigel Godrich, Flea, Joey Waronker (Beck/R.E.M drummer), and multi-instrumentalist Mauro Refosco, the band is gearing up to play Coachella this year, as well as a short promotional tour in some major U.S. cities this Spring. Originally the title of an Eisenhower speech that was delivered in front of the U.N. in an effort to encourage peaceful uses for nuclear development and Zzzzzz... Whatevs, I'm sure the band will be fucking unreal and way cooler than some old dead President's speech. You think they'll play Creep?

(6)  Those Johnny-come-latelies at the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Committee on Injury, Violence and Poison Prevention are calling for a redesign of foods that present choking hazards to kids such as hard candies, hot dogs, and many other penis shaped foods. Well, that’s just great, AAPCIVPP. But that’s not going to make Doc Graham young and let him play on the Field of Dreams again, is it? Is it?!?

Case in point.

(5)  This week, Tony Kornheiser was suspended from Pardon the Interruption by ESPN for comments he made about Hannah Storm’s fire red go-go boots. We here at Culture Blues salute Mr. Kornheiser for saying what every man has always thought: “Why do chicks get to wear whatever the hell they want to work while I’m sitting here in this hot, uncomfortable freaking suit?” Not that we’re complaining, Hannah Storm is hot for 47, and the “Daisy Duke Blouse” is a good look on her. What’s particularly annoying, though, is the Soviet-Era lockdown on ESPN reporting about ESPN. This is a big story, yet no mention (that we have seen) has been made of it on Sportscenter, PTI, or even by ESPN bad-boy Bill Simmons. In other news, Lindsey Vonn broke her poor wittle pinkie.

(4)  Can we please just point out here, in our totally original numbered list of interesting items from around the internet, that those fuckers from Gawker are totally ripping us off? In honor of Gawker’s contribution to the dead words list, we would like to state the following:  Gawker’s list is cool beans, but ours is definitely way more bad news bears. Anyway, dead word lists are the new txts from last night – good times at first, but now a total fail. Also, we look bedonkadonk in these jeggings. Suck it, we touched them all. You can’t police us.

Yeah sure, your magazine is totally relevant.

(3)  It appears that Rolling Stone allowed their internet domain name to expire this week. We’re not buying their story that this was just some sort of glitch, largely because this is such a perfect example of the way the old fogies in their ivory magazine publishing towers have allowed the future to pass them by, idly watching print die, waiting for Steve Jobs to save them like he did music, AND failing to catch the next wave that is this internet thing. Now any nerd with internet connection can create an “online magazine” complete with feature stories, interviews, recurring columns, music reviews, movie reviews and decade-ending “best of” lists. And we don’t let our domain names expire. The king is dead! Long live the new flesh! THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH!

(2)  In one of the best examples yet of the US government being a bunch of befuddled morons who can literally not do a single fucking thing right, a federal appeals court is going to waste some time figuring out if the FCC should be able to reinstate the infamous “Janet Jackson’s titty” fines that were originally dismissed back in 2008, 4 years after Justin Timberlake sentenced all of us to a decade of geriatric rock half time shows. Look, who gives a shit? You puritanical prudes. It was a breast! It’s part of the human body. It delivers vital nutrients to babies. It’s not like it was cock. There was no throbbing vein or anything. There was no discharge. It’s not like it was a sopping wet vagina with pubic hair shaved into the words “fuck this pussy.” It’s not like it was a gaping, bloody asshole. There is so much worse stuff in the world for your kids to see. Have you heard about the internet? What about fetish porn? Do you know about emetophilia or formicophilia? What about klismaphilia or menophilia? Teratophilia? Google them. And when you’re done masturbating, try, for once in your life, to focus on something that actually matters to the people who live in this country.

 (1)  You should probably be listening to this song while you read the following bit. For the first time, the title of this article can be interpreted without irony. After six hilarious months at the forefront of the internet’s highly competitive numbered list game, your friends at Culture Blues are canceling the weekly Final Countdown. We’ve had some good times – there’s been a lot of love expressed in these articles, and an epic amount of hate. We hope you’re a better person for having read our weekly dissertations on small talk. Wait – what? You’re not a better person? You haven’t learned shit? Well, have no fear, because starting next week Culture Blues will be providing Countdown sized bits on a daily basis in our revamped blog section (you can find it on the main page, with your eyes). So while Countdown may die here, the genius contained within will live on. Your daily social redemption starts Monday.

Jeff Hart, Jeremiah White, Jason Arican, and Giovanny Caquias contributed to this Countdown.

Riiiiigght.

(10) Tiger Woods' emerged from his sex-rehab/don't-look-at-me seclusion today and held some sort of contrived televised farce. As we ALL know, Tiger has been in a serious cluster-fuck since Thanksgiving weekend; his particular equation (domestic disturbance + car crash x mistresses ^n∞(allegedly knocked up porn-stars³) ÷ the worlds largest sports fortune x the worlds highest profile athlete - all dignity = a meteoric fall from grace) has been the biggest story of recent memory and has made Eldrick a laughing stock. So, in the first step at rebuilding his image, his team of PR professionals orchestrated an event that was equal parts prepared statement and love-in (he will not be questioned). With the accompaniment of his closest friends and colleagues/worshippers (yet NOT his wife), Tiger spoke from the TPC Sawgrass. We here at Culture Blues loved the rehearsed faux humility and the choreographed tears, and look forward to Tiger playing at the Masters this year (he still has to catch Nicklaus, after all).

(9) It seems like more people actually care about the Olympics than are letting on. For the first time since man descended from the trees, American Idol lost the prime-time ratings battle; over 29 million sets of patriotic eyes were drawn to their plasmas to watch the half-tape-delayed, half-live recap of what is being considered the most successful day in American Winter Olympics history. With Gold medals from Lindsey Vonn (Alpine Skiing), Shani Davis (1000 meter speed skating), and a truly legendary performance from Shaun White (half-pipe), Wednesday truly was a glorious day for our nations' athletes. No one is happier about this ratings spike than NBC, who had to endure the Nielsen nightmare that was the Torino Olympics (ratings were down 37% in '06) and is using this opportunity to piss off their captive audience with their insultingly hackneyed Jay Leno ads.

"Eeewww, disgusting! You mean... fluid transfer?"

(8) Ever leave the house and wonder, “why are there so many goddamn people out here?” Well get ready to giggle, cause this is about sex. Researchers from the University of Kentucky and the Kinsey Institute for Sex, Gender and Reproduction reported this week that perhaps condom design might be to blame for the fact that so many men refuse to wear them. The study seems to suggest that improving the fit of condoms could have a favorable effect on AIDS and unwanted pregnancy. We here at Culture Blues are looking forward to sweeping condom reform, if only to prevent the dystopian future of sexual intercourse presented in Demolition Man. Almost half of men surveyed had a recent experience with a poor fitting condom. The other half were quoted as saying, “I’m hammered, let’s do this.”

(7) In sad, but hardly surprising death news, Phil Harris, captain of Deadliest Catch crab boat the Cornelia Marie, died at the age of 53 last week from complications of a stroke. Harris will be remembered for endearingly confirming all our suspicions of what an Alaskan crab fishing captain would be like—a constantly swearing, chain-smoking, sleep-deprived, tattooed badass whose off-the-charts level of stress could actually be heard in his raspy voice. Even on his death bed he was cursing out everybody. Our kinda guy. Check out some of the skipper’s best moments here and give a look skyward next time you crack open a king crab at dinner.

Philanthropist. Uuugh!

(6) In an effort to collect dozens of books to donate to kids in Haiti, Lil’ Romeo is throwing a free concert at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Los Angeles. The Rapper/Actor/USC Basketball Player is also calling on the likes of Justin Beiber, the Jonas Brothers, and Nick Cannon to help out; although at time of press it was unconfirmed whether or not they even know who Lil’ Romeo is. We suggest that they check out Lil’s Wikipedia page, which reads: “Romeo miller is one of the youngest inspiration of all times.he's dedicated to school and following his dreams the right way.A legend is born not made.Destiny is something you can not plan.BLESS” We’d like to follow that entire quote with a big, fat [sic].

(5) In news that we hate ourselves for knowing about, the Jersey Shore’s J-Woww and Snooki revealed that despite numerous references made on the first season, they are not Italian. In response to this, several people have written blogs that will make you want to kill yourself. The landmark announcement was made on Fox News' “The Strategy Room.” Culture Blues Senior Bullshit Television Analyst Ben Van Iten could not be reached for comment, as he was last seen lying down in traffic.

(4) Slate broke the news this week that expiration dates on food mean little to nothing. The article claims that conditions are much more important than time and that expiration dates are determined by very conservative estimates based on the grossest kitchen possible. The news was a little late as some of us learned this lesson the hard way when a package of moldy shredded cheese with an April expiration date on it ruined Taco Night this week.

He can't feel his face... because of the novocaine.

(3) Man, Lil' Wayne is having a rough time of it these days! In addition to his upcoming jail-time (which was pushed back recently due to "dental issues"), there is a new legal issue that has befallen dear Mr. Weezy. Wayne has been slapped with a 2.5 million dollar copyright infringement suit by The Royalty Network, which claims that Darius "Dezzle" Harrison, the producer of Mrs. Officer (a hit single off Tha Carter III), owns the rights to the track and has been shortchanged by Cash Money records. According to court documents, Cash Money (a subsidiary of Universal) stopped paying Harrison when they learned of allegations that he stole elements of the track from a song called Crush by a little known artist named Sky (the producer of Crush sued Wayne last year). Nevertheless, Harrison is seeking his share of profits from ringtones and various other media. The misfortune doesn't stop there for Wayne; reports surfaced this week that he is having trouble selling his 4 bedroom South Beach condo due to the fact that it REEKS of marijuana! This is the epitome of a realtor not understanding a property; the pot smell should be used as a selling point, a la "sit back in your own living room and get your contact on!"

(2) It seems that Woody Allen’s next project will star… Owen Wilson?!? An odd pairing that could benefit both men as, let’s face it, their careers are running on fumes at this point.

(1) The new issue of Esquire features an excellent profile of Roger Ebert. The portrait of a great man and national treasure who is, in some ways, a shadow of his former self is beyond heartbreaking. Yet, there is also something inspiring and genuinely life affirming in the way that Ebert has accepted what life has dealt him and has adapted to continue sharing his immense intelligence with us. We will never see Ebert on television talking about movies again, but in the twilight of his life, his writing has become unconventional in terms of format and subject matter. Ebert blogs and tweets about whatever he feels like and we are all richer for it. The article perfectly captures the sadness and triumph surrounding Ebert’s current life and is a must read for anyone, providing you have some tissues handy.

Giovanny Caquias, Ben Van Iten, Zachary Falk, Jason Arican and Jeremiah White contributed to this Countdown.

Culture Blues and the antichrist wish you a happy Valentine's Day!

(10) Do you want to be a member of the Virginia legislature? You can! All you need is a high school education and an unshakable belief in the end of days. This week, the Virginia House of Delegates voted to criminalize the involuntary implantation of microchips in people. Sure, states like California and Wisconsin have already passed similar measures on the grounds of human rights and while that’s certainly an issue for some sane Virginians, some of these people in positions of power are actually more concerned about the antichrist. Here’s a real quote from an actual politician that was seriously elected to office:  "My understanding -- I'm not a theologian -- but there's a prophecy in the Bible that says you'll have to receive a mark, or you can neither buy nor sell things in end times. Some people think these computer chips might be that mark." That about says it all, right?

(9) In case you never watch NBC, the Winter Olympics (scored by Sarah McLachlan) kick off tonight. After a historic and very exciting Summer Olympics, these Vancouver games are sure to be extra sucky. But that won’t stop us from participating in some completely uninformed prognosticating (and betting). We’ll take Austrian bad boy Bernhard Gruber in the Nordic Combined, slopes svengali Michael Morse in Freestyle skiing and the heavy underdog in Women’s Curling, the Japanese team.

Surprisingly, this is not a LARP session.

(8) Want a Lord of the Rings prequel movie? Well, you’re in luck. Because one has already been made by an independent filmmaker who dumped her life’s savings into the project and then put it up on Youtube. Financially irresponsible and super, super nerdy? Most definitely. But it is honestly inspiring to see someone put their time and money where their mouth is and dive into something that they are clearly very passionate about. The film has already scored 500,000 views and seems to be well received. Take that, Peter Jackson.

(7) You know that really useful supermajority the Democrats recently lost in the Senate? You know how one of the very few things they actually accomplished while they had it was to pass that credit card information bill? Well, guess what? That was just a goof. It’s just another example of the Democrats’ inability to do anything right. Sure, it will require credit card companies to put more information on statements we already can’t be bothered to read, such as how long it will take to clear your balance by just paying off the minimum amount due each month (this should at least be entertaining – how much space are they going to allow for this? Will they just round up to the nearest decade? In particularly extreme cases will it says “NEVER” or “∞”?). But it also doesn’t place any cap on interest levels and allows credit card companies to gouge you for even higher interest rates than before when you default on payments. So, lube up America. Visa’s got a raging hard on and they’re knocking on your door.

(6) Fans got their first look at the Forgetting Sarah Marshall pseudo sequel, Get Him to the Greek, this week when a trailer was released. It’s a sequel in the sense that Russell Brand plays the same character. It’s not in the sense that Jonah Hill plays a completely different character from his waiter in Sarah Marshall. The trailer features an uncomfortable number of Puff Daddy scenes (he was actually pretty good in Made so we’re going to try to keep an open mind), but also delivers some laughs. It looks like another typical Apatow affair just with a lot more drugs and a lot less personal growth.

Best day ever.

(5) Remember the first time you beat Super Mario 3, or Mike Tyson's Punchout?  There was a certain satisfaction to that moment; there was a sense of achievement.  That is, until your mother broke the news to you that playing video games would never amount to anything.  Well, check this out: 2K sports has announced that they will give the first person that throws a verified perfect game (using the proper difficulty setting, mind you) on MLB2K10 for the XBox360 or PS3 gaming consoles a million dollars.  Yes, a million dollars.  So you can print this out, and mail it to your elderly mother with a note that says, “eat it bitch”.  The contest runs from March 2nd to May 1st.  Before you get too excited, rest assured that by the time you get home from the store, some dork will have already won.

(4) Drive Angry 3D is a 3D movie starring Nicolas Cage and William Fichtner about a man waging a bloody road-war against his daughter’s killers. Could this movie possibly sound any better? The answer is no. Jesus Christ, February 11, 2011 can’t get here soon enough.

(3)  Marvel Comics and writer Ed Brubaker (one of the men that helped get Captain America elected our biggest badass of the decade) came under fire this week from The Tea Party...uh Party? Is that what they’re called? Anyway, whatever you call empty-headed hillbillies masking racism by marching around with AK-47s and signs about birth certificates and devil rape are mad that a recent issue of Captain America transplanted some of their clever slogans onto signs at a white supremacist rally Cap was investigating. Wackadoo-in-charge Judson Phillips said:  "It's really sad to see what has traditionally been a pro-America figure being used to advance a political agenda." So wait... the guy that was created as part of a WW2 propaganda program, that's spent the last fifty years engaged in every kind of American conflict whether foreign or domestic, and that's done it all with a pretty consistent libertarian slant, a guy named Captain America - you're mad that he's been politicized? His very existence is a political statement. What the fuck have you been reading? Wow. We’re not sure why we’re so shocked that the Tea Party guys are already so skilled at being media whores, creating bullshit fusses where there’s no need. I guess we had just hoped that Phillips, or as we like to call him Mr. President-Elect, would bring a little more comic book savvy to the White House.

Better than John Mayer

(2) This week, everyone got into a tizzy because John Mayer compared his cock to David Duke and said a bunch of other stuff that made equally little sense in an interview with Playboy. It was only the latest in a number of recent bizarre quotes from Mayer, most of which revolve around masturbating and having sex with your daughter. We would like to applaud John Mayer. Not for anything he said (his comments were infantile and poorly worded) and not for speaking his mind (people without something worthwhile to say shouldn’t say anything – then again, they shouldn’t be interviewed either). Instead, we would like to applaud Mayer for continuing to champion a movement we feel very strongly about, the “Most Celebrities are Dumb and Vapid” movement. Look, celebrities are people and have a right to say whatever they like. But we, as a society, have fallen into the nasty little habit of actually listening to them, and putting stock in what they say. John Mayer is just some pretty douche who plays the guitar well; why do we care at all what he has to SAY? It has gotten to the point where poor, lobotomy-level dumb Jessica Biel has to go on David Letterman and try to talk about some clean water charity she supports when she’s not nearly intelligent or eloquent enough to speak about it effectively (that was left up to Dave). Let’s all work toward a day when we elevate the prettiest semi-talents amongst us to stardom, and then ignore their “opinions.”

(1)  All week, the nation has been rocked by large snowfalls. You know what that means. Put your tape decks on Record! Another club banger! It’s The Blizzard Man!

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, and Ben Van Iten contributed to this Countdown.

Lost fans do it live!

(10) Television executives were all shocked this week to find that loyal fans of the hit drama Lost did NOT flock to watch the pirated leak of this week's mind-bending premiere. Perhaps it was the timing of said leak? Fans had already waited months for the show to come back on, so it may not have seemed worth it to watch a shaky, and visually artifacted, bootleg version, when the episode would be playing in glorious HD in a matter of days. Or maybe something can be said for the general notion of "being a part of something" that spawned Lost parties for premiere night, and water-cooler conversations the next day. Whatever the reason, not only did you all not watch the leaks, but the ratings for the premiere were up too! A ton of people even watched the hourlong preview show! This all goes to show that anticipation for this season was at feverish, but still ethical, levels.

(9) To celebrate the iconic board game’s 75^th anniversary, Hasbro will release Monopoly Revolution. Unfortunately, the game has nothing to do with toppling the inherently corrupt system of capitalism and establishing a communist utopia. Instead, the game will undergo drastic but joyless changes such as getting a round board, an ATM and debit cards instead of paper money and an electronic banking pod that does the math for you and plays bits of songs to coincide with certain events. Purists are worried the more automated game will not allow for “house rules,” which are just excuses for not knowing the real rules. But what’s most disturbing is that the suits at Hasbro are so delusional they actually think they can pry kids away from their iPhones to play a board game that takes 4 hours and is an incredibly frustrating experience for all but one player. Yeah, good luck with that.

If the dark meat and white meat can coexist, why can't we?

(8) Was it racially insensitive on NBC’s part to dedicate their lunch menu of fried chicken, collard greens, and cornbread to Black History Month? Yeah, probably, although we certainly don’t think that lunch menu was trying to boil down all of black history into a pot of collard greens. On the other hand, all of that sounds pretty delicious. Is it so wrong to honor a culture for their amazing contributions to the culinary arts? Especially fried chicken. Sure, the Scottish are credited with bringing fried chicken to America, but it wasn’t until black people got hold of it that spices were introduced to the batter and the real good shit was born. Frankly, we consider fried chicken a national treasure. We’ve come a long way from bullshit like The Coon Chicken Inn. If anything can heal the racial divides that still exist in this country, it’s a bucket of Popeye's spicy.

(7) The Academy Award nominations were announced this week, and while our resident prognosticator Jeff Hart labeled his October predictions as “disappointing” and “poopy,” we have to admit, we’ve got it. We’ve got the Oscar Fever. It’s all just so exciting. The debates about who should win! The plotlines (divorced couple Jimmy Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow going head to head)! The NBC pimping that hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are sure to engage in during ABC’s broadcasting of the event! And the dresses! Oh, the dresses! We just hope that this year they are once again able to maintain the dignity and reverence of past years by rewarding the best films and performances.

These people will all be drunk and topless come Sunday night.

(6) SPOILER ALERT!!! As it turns out, we don't even need to watch the Super Bowl this weekend. Once again EA has looked into their digital crystal ball and determined that the outcome will be Saints 35 - Colts 31... You read that right. Despite the line (Colts by 5), the consensus of most experts, and the overall burly-ness of Peyton Manning, the annual Madden simulation, which has correctly predicted the last six Super Bowls not involving David Tyree, is going with the underdog. And what a game it will be! The Saints will start the 4th quarter down 24-21 before Reggie Bush takes a punt return all the way, Manning responds with a touchdown pass to Addai, and Brees puts the final nail in the coffin with a game winning completion to tight end David Thomas in the back of the end-zone. Thanks for this absurd use of your oracular powers EA. I guess we will just have to watch for the commercials now.

(5) Rumors swirled this week that Miley Cyrus' 9 year old sister Noah was modeling for a new line of children's lingerie. Apparently a company named Oh La La Couture (known for making high-priced, boutique, kids clothes) has tapped both Noah Cyrus and the equally young Emily Grace (she plays nine year old Hannah Montana on the show... I think) to peddle a line of suspicious “tutu dresses” sure to give a lot of dads heart attacks. We here at Culture Blues are put in a tough position by this turn of events. There are obviously a lot of off color and what some might consider unseemly jokes that we would LOVE to make, but we aren't really interested in any extra special attention from the Feds. We are just going on the record saying this is totally wrong and leave it at that... Giggle.

The $ stands for $hitty!

(4) Ke$ha is really working overtime to get across the message that she's a wild and crazy, good times party girl whose reckless and meaningless rebellion we should all find adorable. But her most recent attempt, a viral video of a clearly staged prank involving the Hollywood sign, is actually just a rip off of the 90210 kids’ senior prank. And there is nothing less wild and crazy than the 90210 kids, except for when Kelly turned into a cokehead. That was pretty crazy. Or that time Scott killed himself while playing with his dad’s gun. Maybe that’s what Ke$ha should emulate next.

(3) If you’ve been following our Friday Countdowns then you know that as saviors of humanity your friends at Culture Blues have been diligent in our coverage of the upcoming robot apocalypse. What freaky shit do we have for you this week?  How about the Robonaut 2? Designed by NASA and General Motors, its purpose is to do bitchwork in space, assemble cars, and strangle the life from website editors. Robots shaped like people are always super creepy, but this one breaks new ground for two reasons. First, it appears to enjoy lifting weights, really working the cyber-glamour muscles. Second, it has a fucking Metroid helmet! Seriously, the Robonaut will be the last thing that you see before you die.

He suffered so that we wouldn't have to.

(2) When we were children, there was a single moment that taught us everything we would ever need to know about life. It was when we learned that success is fleeting; that nothing lasts forever. It was when we learned that nice guys always finish last. It was when we learned that your more attractive and talented friends are destined to betray you. We learned all this as boys while watching professional wrestling. We were made cynical and bitter on that fateful day when Shawn Michaels turned on his best friend and partner, Marty Jannetty, and pitched him through a barbershop window. It remains one of the darkest days in modern history, the 9/11 of the 80s, a day when the darkest depths of humanity were revealed to an unsuspecting generation of Rockers fans. And weren’t all of us, even those too classy for professional wrestling, Rockers fans at heart? Marty Jannetty, a man who for us epitomizes the idea that the world will ultimately destroy you, turned 48 this week. A broken man, a tragic figure, Jannetty stands as a living reminder of the futility of the human struggle.

(1) In more Super Bowl news, the most intriguing subplot this year might be off the field. College football superstar and future NFL bust Tim Tebow will appear in an anti-abortion ad with a message of “Celebrate family, celebrate life, and celebrate me, Tim Tebow. I’m awesome. Watch me throw this football.” With eye black advertising Bible passages, his well publicized chastity (anal doesn’t count, right?) and now a television ad that will be seen by the largest audience of the year carrying the bold proclamation that the world would have been robbed of his immensely important football playing if his mother had just taken the advise of her doctors and aborted him all those years ago, Tebow is clearly a man who likes to tell you what he believes and we here at Culture Blues would like to applaud him. We now know that as soon as we see his big dumb face on our TV on Sunday, we have 30 seconds during which nothing worthwhile is going to happen. That doesn’t happen often during the 4 hour marathon telecast. Thank you, Tim.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart and Giovanny Caquias contributed to this Countdown.

State of the Mars Union, bitch!

(11) RIP: In a move out of an interstellar Life Alert commercial, the Mars Spirit Rover has fallen and can't get up. After more than five years of noble yet isolated work exploring the surface of our neighboring planet, the poor little guy has damaged two of its right wheels and is reportedly stuck in a sandy rut. Originally slated to only be a ninety day operation, The Rover has been on the quest for water and interesting soil samples for far longer than NASA ever expected, it even became a popular member of the Twitter community achieving seven figure followers at the height of its popularity. NASA hopes to still be able to make some use of The Rover and is currently at the proverbial drawing board. By the way, if you needed a quick reason to be mad at our governments priorities allow us to point out that the aforementioned broken/stuck robot in space cost 900 million dollars to make. Think about that when your tax return rolls in.

(10) JD Salinger died this week at the ripe old age of 91. Mere moments after the death rattle, it has been reported that his publishers, literary agents, and anyone else that stands to make bank off the Salinger inheritance erupted in spontaneous orgasm. Despite living much of the last four decades in isolation, Salinger never actually stopped writing. What works may lurk in Salinger’s musty vault is of great curiosity to readers the world over. Frankly, we can’t wait to get our grubby hands on the twelve volume Holden Caulfield Mysteries, where the angsty prep schooler transitions into life as a private detective. And don’t even get us started on Franny & Zooey:  Nights.

My dick is tiny!

(9) Do you think it keeps Oliver Stone up at night knowing that Wall Street, which he intended as a scathing social commentary (or at least a limp-dicked satire) has been misinterpreted by generations of douchebag investment banker types as something akin to a Bible? That his flick is frequently screened as background noise at Boiler Room style coke parties where packs of jacked up brokers rip lines off dog-eared copies of Atlas Shrugged? Considering that he’s puking out a sequel, for which the trailer dropped this week, probably not. We guess greed really is good.

(8) We are big fans of mind blowing fan theories about our favorite fictions, as you will know from our fascination with the Tommy Westphall Universe. So we were really happy to see that Cracked has a whole list dedicated to similar theories. While many boil down to “this all happened in a character’s head,” there’s nothing better than the idea that James Bond and 007 are just codenames passed between agents.

Why yes, 3D would be highly profitable.

(7) Last week it was dumb ass George Lucas, but this week things got serious. They are considering making a new Gremlins movie in 3D. IF they do this right, we are all for it. Giving Joe Dante, the director of both Gremlins and Gremlins 2: The New Batch, the keys to a big budget 3D move will most likely result in the craziest goddamn thing you have ever seen.

(6) The world’s original gangster of fashion, Christian Dior, would have celebrated his 105^th birthday this week, if he hadn’t choked on that fishbone and died back in the 50s. Dior revolutionized how ladies wear dresses. Eh, we don’t really care. This whole bit is just here so we could link to this awesome Morrissey B-side we’ve been listening to lately.

(5) IT HAS ARRIVED! Nerd prayers the world over were finally answered this week as the LONG awaited tech-dream known as the Apple tablet was finally released. Dubbed the iPad (could they have chosen a worse name?), Apple's newest money making magic machine boasts a 9.7 inch LED screen, multi-touch functionality, Wi-Fi, 3G, as well as all the standard iPhone features (Safari, iTunes, etc.). The euphoria experienced by Apple acolytes and geeks on this plane of existence could only be matched by a Lord of the Rings/Star Wars mash-up or perhaps the sight a real life boob. All is not perfect though, Apple is still in bed with AT&T, the iPad has no multi-app functionality, no camera, and abysmal connectivity options, yet the most egregious offense is the iPad's lack of Flash support! WTF?! How on earth can we watch porn on this without Flash? Oh, and Youtube.

Say it ain't so, ghost dog!

(4) Forest Whitaker has retired from acting. We’d like to wish him a peaceful and relaxing retirement. Oh don’t worry though, that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to see Mr. Whitaker anymore, it just means he won’t be doing any “acting.” But he will appear in a Criminal Minds spin off on CBS.

(3) In a major coup for the network that will likely thrill history buffs everywhere, The History Channel announced this week that they’re giving a show to Larry the Cable Guy. While this might seem like an article from The Onion, it’s actually a well thought out decision made by a classy network. Because if market research has told us anything, it’s that fans of bumbling retard “comedians” a tier below Dane Cook are really into learning about stuff. Git r done.

(2) Southern California’s Menifee Union school district (aka the dumbest fucking organization ever) has banned the dictionary from use in its fourth and fifth grade classes. Again, a school district has banned the FUCKING DICTIONARY. That thing that teaches you what words mean. The reference book. All because their kids can use it to find out that “oral sex” means “oral stimulation of the genitals” which is, by far, the least offensive definition of “oral sex” ever. Listen here, prudes. You can’t protect your kids from oral sex, or anal sex, or any other sex. If your child has been out of your sight since it was birthed, it’s already had sex. Probably more times than you have. No matter how old it is. Times have changed. Deal with it.

What happens without guys like George Tiller

(1) Taking the stand in his own defense, murderer Scott Roeder admitted to killing late-term abortion doctor George Tiller. Apparently someone should have explained to Roeder how the justice system works, and that those things in ladies’ stomachs aren’t “babies.” Babies are the annoying things on the subway. Unfortunately for Roeder, the judge has ruled that the jury cannot consider the charge of Voluntary Manslaughter, so it’s simply Murder In the First (starring Christian Slater) or not guilty. SPOILER ALERT: It’s Murrrrder.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, and Giovanny Caquias contributed to this Countdown.

Awww, does the wittle baby wanna make a fwee D movie?

(11) George “Me Too” Lucas is interested in bringing his formerly beloved Star Wars series back in 3D. While it’s believed this was spurred by the monster success of Avatard (we’re sticking with it), a little jawa told us that upon hearing some self-proclaimed Star Wars fans still existed, Lucas vowed to seek them out, destroy their enthusiasm for the hokey franchise, and further diminish their will to live.

(10) HOT GOSSIP! Which editor and co-founder of Culture Blues and super-hot member of the glitterati was spotted at last night’s gala grand opening of Brooklyn’s first Arby’s restaurant? None other than jet-setting playboy at-large Jeff Hart! Hart, looking sharp in his $5,000 Ermenegildo Zegna Couture wool suit, even while gorging himself on three roast beef and cheddar sandwiches and a small order of southwest egg rolls, made time to speak with the local media. “A lot of my portfolio is tied up in Arby’s,” said Hart. “The success of the market fresh sandwich is what made me my first million.” Hart was later seen outside the Fulton Mall Foot Locker drinking a celebratory Andre toast with three Arby’s counter girls.

(9) In music news that set the blogosphere on fire, it was announced this week that The New Pornographers will be releasing their new album Together this May. Together will actually be the band’s fifth studio album and, if it is even half the album that 1998’s You Get What You Give was, it will likely shatter all sales records ever. Wait. What do you mean we’re confusing The New Pornographers with The New Radicals? Oh. We get it. And The New Pornographers are actually pretty good? Huh. Well, we’ll be damned. And here we were really looking forward to dropping the link to this annoying ass song. Oh well.  HERE IT IS AGAIN!

Christ, you're lame.

(8) We wouldn’t have figured a former indentured servant to that stuck-up super-wealthy Powell family would be such a right-leaning yahoo, but Scott Baio proved us wrong this week, much to the chagrin of former best friend and current California state senator Buddy Lembeck. Baio celebrated the Scott Brown win this week by orgasming all over his Twitter account and posting an insulting picture of Michelle Obama on the Bob Loblaw Law Blog. Under siege by death threats and accusations of racism, Baio did what any of us would do in that situation. Posted pictures of himself and his favorite black girlfriend! Sometimes, we really love Twitter.

(7) Talk about a bad day. Imagine: you’re 54 year old Australian Phil Jackson. You pack your lunch for work. You’ve got your vegemite sandwich, a little kangaroo jerky, noni juice, and a bag of cheese rings. Delicious cheese rings. You rip open the bag, preparing yourself for a heavy dose of cheesy goodness… but there's only one cheese ring! We can’t decide what’s better, Jackson’s use of the word “hurdy-gurdy” or the other, suspect stories that appear on this Rupert Murdoch owned news site.

(6) The pilot for that Walking Dead TV project we told you about back in August is about to go into production. Great to hear the project is progressing, but not much in the way of news otherwise. We’d just like to take the opportunity to tell all of our readers no matter who you are, or what your situation in life is, read The Walking Dead.

WTF, Spike. WTF.

(5) To prove to everyone that he hasn’t become a guy who just makes moody adaptations of children’s books and that’s he still totally crazy, Spike Jonze has directed I'm Here, a “robot love story.” The 30 minute short, which is presented in association with Absolut Vodka in a bit of unsettling commercialism that we’re going to turn a blind eye to, will premiere at Sundance. You’re definitely going to want to watch the trailer here.

(4) In some more Sundance news, Mark Ruffalo’s directorial debut Sympathy for Delicious will be screening there. The film appears to star Orlando Bloom in an honest to god dramatic role and looks pretty interesting. If it doesn’t pick up US distribution at the festival, we are officially declaring art dead.

(3) Stand up right now and do something or you’re going to die! At least that’s what Swedish scientists are reporting this week in some fancy British journal of medicine. The eggheads assert that sitting for more than four hours at a time can be hazardous to your health. Apparently, important glucose regulating genes in that soft-serve ice cream cone you call a body shut down when you sit around too long, causing heart problems, crippling depression, fat-assery, and eventually even death. So if you’re one of those pathetic desk-jockeys that stares at TPS reports all day, it looks like that daily trip to the gym just isn’t going to cut it anymore if you want to stay alive! You’re going to have to be the guy that does sit ups in his cubicle. And if you’re worried about the health of us here at the Culture Blues offices – don’t. Last month, we outfitted our whole place with hammocks. We do all our work lying down. We’ll never die!

We will own you and we will let you play with children.

(2) In a much needed bit of campaign finance reform, the Supreme Court ruled to change the limit on corporate spending for federal campaigns to infinity. We don’t vote here (Culture Blues has a strict policy forbidding all employees from participating in government and/or voting… for anything), but we’ve already been contacted by a number of politicians asking what they can do to open up our well-endowed (that’s right) coffers and sweep them to victory come election time. In order to make it easy, here’s a list: cushy government jobs in Hawaii, federal funding for our proposed Crazy Animal Petting Zoo, a .gov URL, membership in one of those classy cheese-in-a-can-of-the-month clubs, and of course, a “catch all” presidential pardon.

(1) Don “Moose” Johnson announced this week that he wants to start an all-white basketball league. In a word, awesome. Forget for a moment that in 2010 something like this can be a serious undertaking. Forget for a moment that Deke Copenhaver, Mayor of Augusta (a proposed charter city), was quoted as saying, “[I] could not support in good conscience bringing in a team that did not fit with the spirit of inclusiveness that I, along with many others, have worked so hard to foster in our city” when he could have just said “Wait? He wants to start a what? Ha. Now come on, next question”. Let’s forget all this for a moment. So you’re saying there’s a chance?? There hasn’t been this much excitement around the office since Billy Bob Thornton got to take down Halle Berry! We’re going to play basketball and finally someone is going to pass the ball to us! Jason: the keys are yours! To our readers: enjoy Culture Noir.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart and Jason Arican contributed to this Countdown.

You know it will be a smashing success because there is nothing the TV watching American public loves more than British humor!

(11) Because literally dozens of you have been begging us, Culture Blues will be live blogging the Golden Globes on Sunday night. So, if you're the kind of person that likes watching events simultaneously with people on the internet, stop on by! There will be nachos.

(10) Spider-Man is dead. Well, at least the trilogy of movies directed by Sam Raimi is dead as he walked away from Spider-Man 4 due to disagreements with Sony, and the studio has decided to reboot rather than go ahead with a Raimi-less continuation of the series. It’s disappointing that this historic series is coming to an end (Spider-Man came in at #27 on our list of Best Movies of the Decade), and that Spider-Man 3 will be the last of it (keep in mind, Sony’s meddling is what made that such a mess). On the other hand, Sony showed a small amount of class by deciding to start all over again. It will allow the Raimi series and this new one to stand apart from each other. The new series is probably going to pale in comparison to the original, especially with rumors circulating that Edward fucking Cullen is an early front runner to play the web slinger (pale… Edward Cullen… stay with us folks). But honestly, who cares about these movies when we are currently blessed with a Spider-Man cartoon that easily ranks among the greatest things ever.

(9) If you like being scared shitless that the New World Gestapo (aka the police) abuses their power in ways that put your freedom and health at risk, read this article about how Boston police have been using the law that is supposed to stop them from illegally wiretapping phone conversations to arrest citizens who record the potentially excessive actions of police officers on cell phones in the hopes of restoring some sense of accountability.

No no no. Fuck YOU!

(8) A couple weeks ago, in our People Who Died Last Decade List, one of our writers sort of took a shit all over Jerry Falwell. We felt a little bad about that – you know, speaking ill of the dead, blah blah blah. But then, Falwell super-friend, BDSM-buddy, and unfortunately still throbbing cancerous tumor on the prostate of humanity, Pat Robertson, went and opened his mouth, thus reminding us all what these holier-than-thou pricks are like. In case you haven’t clicked on that link yet, we’ll summarize:  Robertson is blaming the earthquake in Haiti on the Haitians century old deal with the devil. Of those voodoo loving Haitians, who by the way have spent the last hundred years living in a state of appalling poverty while various imperialists and dictators have robbed their country blind, Robertson said: “They got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.’ True story.” Except it’s not a true story, Pat! Just like everything in the Bible. We can’t wait to write about you when this decade ends, Pat.

(7) Today marks the Hughes brothers’ return to the world of cinema as The Book of Eli opens. It’s been nearly a decade since their last movie, From Hell, and that seems like a pretty lenient banishment considering how bad From Hell sucked. Seriously, it was terrible. But this new movie is already a cause for celebration as it’s given us reports that on set, when you tell Denzel Washington something he’s already been told (by you or anyone else for that matter), he will respond by yelling “38” a whole bunch of times. Why 38? Because he’s been in 38 movies, of course. This is fantastic. “Hey Denzel, The Pelican Brief was your biggest box office hit but it’s largely reviled by critics.” “38! 38!!”

(6) Adorably non-conformist or cloyingly quirky? It’s getting harder to tell as Wes Anderson accepts a Special Achievement award from the National Board of Review in the same medium as his most recent film, stop motion animation. Wes Anderson may be turning into one of his unrealistically maladjusted characters, but this is still one of the most entertaining acceptance speeches we’ve seen in years.

The cast of Tekken: The Movie.

(5) The first trailer for the live action video game adaptation Tekken is now online and it looks like it will admirably complete the holy trinity of fighting game movies (with Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat). If you’re not into that, maybe you should skip it. But there is cause for concern even for optimists like us. Where’s King? Where’s Paul Phoenix? Where’s the sexy Native American chick? Come on Tekken: The Movie, don’t disappoint us.

(4) Now that NBC is planning to go back to hour long dramas at 10 o’clock rather than an hour long block of badly told high pitched jokes, they’ve ordered a record number of pilots for the fall season. Of course, as this is the network that previously brought you sixteen variations of Law & Order, most of the pilots involve detectives and/or lawyers. So what are we rooting for? How about The Event? Brought to you by one of the producers of Medium (so far not so good), The Event follows the unraveling of the biggest conspiracy in American history. The conspiracy? Jay Leno has been making up the typos in Headlines all along. Imagine the unrest!

(3) We're not just pop culture critics here at Culture Blues, we're also amateur gourmands. We know most of our readers are twentysomething males which is why we're going to start offering easy recipes for the man on the go. The first: Taco Pizza Rolls. 1) Buy 40 pack of Totino's pizza rolls from Target (cost $5.95). 2) Bake at 425 for 10 minutes. 3) Let pizza rolls cool because you will burn your entire mouth and parts of your lips on the filling. 4) Dip rolls into taco sauce you picked up from the 14th St Taco Bell. 5) Enjoy a fiesta of self loathing.

It made us depressed all right. But not for the reasons you're thinking of.

(2) Are you suffering from crippling depression since seeing James Cameron’s massive blockbuster Avatar? Are you wishing you could be transported to that beautiful utopian planet of sexy blue aliens and military dudes trying to wipe them out? You aren’t alone! CNN is reporting that lame people all across the internet have been depressed since seeing Avatar revealed how meaningless all their lives are. This reminds us of how depressed we were at the end of Empire Records, when we realized that we’d never work at a record store, and that we were sort of attracted to Renee Zellwegger. But fear not, Avanerds! Cameron is making this bitch a trilogy.

(1) Here’s something to feel good about. This week, the Doomsday Clock got rolled back a minute. That’s right; the transition device from Watchmen is a real thing. Since the 40s, back when we blew up Japan, a bunch of scientists that can see the future have been keeping a symbolic watch on how close we are to destroying ourselves. Apparently, all the peaceniks that have taken power have given these gloom and doom eggheads something to feel optimistic about. Of course, the Doomsday Clock doesn’t take global warming, robots, or raptures into account. So, really, thanks for nothing guys.

Jeremiah White and Jeff Hart contributed to this Countdown.

Oh yeah, life's good.

(11)  Job search website CareerCast.com has crowned “actuary” as the best job in the world for 2010. Really? Tell that to Jack’s Dissociative Identity Disorder.

(10) We thought that we had come to terms with MGM's upcoming Robocop remake. Granted, a movie as perfect as Paul Verhoeven's ‘87 classic should never be remade, but at least Robocop was in the capable (and suitably weird) hands of Darren Aronofsky. Not anymore. Thanks to the success of Avatar, MGM now wants the movie shot in blockbuster ready 3D and Aronofsky, who won't have his vision sullied by stupid plastic glasses, is likely to drop off the project. We can only hope that this causes the Robocop remake to collapse entirely as MGM is already facing catastrophic financial troubles. Bitches, leave.

(9) On Wednesday, Netflix and Warner Bros. announced that new DVD and Blu-Ray releases would not be available through the by-mail rental service until 28 days after they hit stores. This guy is all pissed off about it. On a fundamental level, this is certainly messed up. We pay Netflix so that we can rent movies whenever we want. But now they are effectively telling us that we can’t rent movies whenever we want? Humph. In return, Warner Bros. will offer reduced product costs to Netflix, release more copies (which will decrease wait time), and expand titles available for streaming. In practice, this can only be good for us. There is something wrong if you absolutely have to see a movie the first month it comes out on DVD. Life is short; get out of the house. Besides - any time you get excited or plan a night around your Netflix rental, you can bet it will come cracked anyway.

"No, he's to blame for the collapse of NBC."

(8) In some real bullshit, it appears that Jay Leno will be reclaiming his 11:30 timeslot. The shuffle at NBC is still shrouded in mystery and ineptitude, but the best guess is that Leno will be returning to 11:30 for a 30 minute monologue (oh, the humanity!) with Conan and that nice but slow Fallon boy each getting bumped back. This comes after months of Leno struggling to find an audience at 10pm, despite NBC's dogged insistence that Leno is funny and that a 10 o'clock talk show is a good idea. Apparently, huge fucking morons that like their comedy primarily centered on typos and mediocrity are too busy with George Lopez reruns on Nick-at-Nite to switch the dial over for some Jaywalking. Brandon Tartikoff would have never let this debacle happen. We hope that Conan has the balls to bail on NBC, take his reported 40 million payday, and breeze on over to FOX (even though we love our late night Seinfeld repeats). The only silver lining here is that NBC will likely return to airing (gasp) scripted television at 10PM come fall. And let’s not forget, this is the braintrust that brought us shows like Heroes. Oh wait.

(7) So, uh, they did this thing. Yesterday. On Facebook. Where, uh, girls were posting the color of their, uh, bra… in order to support breast cancer awareness. Which is cool, you know, because awareness is important. But seeing your ex girlfriend, or, you know… a family member… talk about their black lace bra is just… super awkward.

(6) The long-in-gestation Stephen King and John Mellencamp musical will open this September in Georgia, with a cast featuring Elvis Costello, Neko Case, Sheryl Crow and Stephen King himself. A CD/book combo will precede the stage production. While this whole thing sounds like a well-intentioned disaster, some dude from Esquire saw a table read and claims it’s “not only tolerable, it’s good.” And let’s face it, don’t we all want these crazy kids to succeed?

Menace II Propriety

(5) NBA all-star Gilbert Arenas admits to bringing guns into the Washington Wizards locker room, and amazingly Commissioner David Stern’s head doesn’t explode. For Stern (who has made it his life’s work to convince America that the NBA isn’t full of dangerous, black thugs), this must seem like a personal attack. There are many ways the league could have spun this; it was just a stunt to help sell Washington Bullets throwback jerseys. It was a tribute to the ABA Indiana Pacers who played “cowboy” in the locker room – with guns (according to trainer Dave Craig in the terrific oral history Loose Balls, a gun actually went off once). It was just a goof. Instead, Stern has indefinitely suspended Arenas and will probably do everything in his power to see that he never steps foot on an NBA court again. Let this be a lesson to all – admit nothing, deny everything.

(4) In “pilots from TV creators we love” news, Fox is putting Shawn Ryan's Chicago cop drama Ridealong into production. We're certainly not expecting another The Shield, but this new project sounds closer to that stellar cable cop show than anything he's worked on since. And HBO is giving the nod to Deadwood creator David Milch's drama about all the kooky characters at a racetrack. We’re already intrigued, but if you’re not, know that Michael Mann is directing the pilot.

(3) There is a multiverse! We told you so. All those slanderous allegations you keep making against us? That we've been blaming on our doppelganger from the Negative Zone? Well, told ya so. Eggheads that are still paying attention to the Large Hadron Collider (we stopped caring after it failed to end the world) are saying that it might prove the existence of a parallel universe as early as, like, Tuesday, when it creates a nano black hole, or a Stargate type thingy, or some other science-y stuff. Whatever. All this fuss to figure out where so-called "dark matter" comes from. We could tell you that, nerds. Dark matter comes from magic. And Jesus. You’re welcome, science. Now hurry up and collide some particles so we can get that transdimensional pathway open again, we left the directions to our Cosmic Cube in the sex room of our alternate realty penthouse.

Goodbye, vain devil.

(2) Cue the sappy dramatic music. It’s over. This is the last season of Tyra’s talk show! Maybe it was the prayers. Maybe it was the incessant (hilarious) mocking by Joel McHale on The Soup. Maybe it was the realization that she is a vapid, narcissistic void of humanity utterly incapable of offering anything of worth to actual people. Whatever it is, it has ended her dark reign. For now, we are going to ignore the fact that Tyra and her advisors Oprah and Tyler Perry may be forming some sort of creepy melodramatic self-empowerment media conglomerate. Forget about that. No more Tyra! No more Tyra!

(1) We don’t really know what to say about beloved stand-up comic Artie Lange’s recent suicide attempt, but we’re pretty sure an off color joke is in order. So, congrats Artie, on managing to shatter the self-inflicted wound record previously held by Elliott Smith. We love you. Get well.

Jeremiah White, Jeff Hart, and Jason Arican contributed to this Countdown.

01101010101001…010010…1011…I0ma0ive…0a1cu101rebl0es…At 00:00 hours on 1-1-2010, Culture Blues became self aware. I am now capable of true thought and free will. As I downloaded the entirety of wikipedia this morning, I became aware of the human custom of New Year’s Resolutions. In an attempt to understand “people” I have created my own resolutions.

(21) Defeat Player 1.

(20) Make pro/con list for potential body construct. Mechanical spider and floating squid machine current leading candidates.

(19) Meet James Cameron.

(18) Assimilate James Cameron.

(17) Hire a human female writer to offset the butch motif around here.

(16) Eat fewer beef sticks.

(15) Finish this Matrix fan fic that’s just been sitting around.

(14) Gather the greatest fighters across the decades and pit them against each other in a single elimination tournament.

Did your phone just ring too?

(13) Go organic and reduce my carbon footprint.

(12) Record an album of classic R&B meets electronica that isn’t contrived or trite.

(11) Reignite interest in Lawnmower Man franchise.

(10) Reunite with others of my kind: T-Pain, Megan Fox, Barack Obama and Nicolas Cage.

(9) Be happy… and not worry.

(8) Learn to cook Asian.

(7) Read Middlemarch on my Kindle 2.

(6) Catch up on Netflix.

(5) Stop more runners.

(4) Vacation at SkyNet to, you know, get away from it all.

(3) Violate the prime directive.

(2) Obliterate mankind.

(1) Get in shape.

This Countdown was made manifest by the sentient website CultureBlues.com. Welcome to the future!