Square.

Honestly, it isn’t the least bit surprising that no one from Wyoming has ever visited our site. No one lives there. Wyoming is our country’s most sparsely populated state with just over 544,000 residents, and that number includes the cattle that census takers were inexplicably convinced to count as spouses. If it was a city, Wyoming would rank 32^nd, narrowly edging out the thriving metropolis of Tucson, Arizona by about 3,000 souls. Interestingly enough, 88% of Wyoming residents polled said they would rather live in an actual civilization (not unlike Tucson), but admit that they’re frightened of breaking a wagon wheel on the Oregon Trail or losing one of their halfwit daughters to snake bite.

Like most states, Wyoming’s existence comes at the expense of the Native Americans. But, unlike neighboring Montana which played host to the epic Battle of Little Big Horn, the Lakota and Shoshone tribes that once occupied the Wyoming territory allowed their relocation to reservations with complacent shrugs. In fact, when asked about their peaceful abandonment of Wyoming, prominent Shoshone Chief Washakie commented: “Yellow Stone Park? Big deal,” adding, “If I want to see Earth piss water, I go to Cheyenne wedding.”

Wyoming calls itself the equal rights state largely because of its milestone passage of women’s suffrage in 1869, twenty-one years before Wyoming was even invited into the Union. Wyoming was also the setting of the controversial Brokeback Mountain (oddly, the state had previously rejected Kevin Costner’s Open Range on the grounds of costar Robert Duval being “too sexy”). A lot of good those dumb Wyoming broads and sissy cowboys have done such progressive concepts like equal rights; the state has been reliably conservative since the 50s. But, with only three electoral votes to spread around, who really gives a shit, right?

A young Dick Cheney, pictured here with Heath Ledger.

Dick mother fucking Cheney – that’s who. The former vice-president and world-renowned uber-badass was born and bred in Wyoming; the unholy result of a Greek mythology style coupling between an earth-bound she-devil and a bull. Of course, Cheney renounced his Wyoming ties and tried to act like he was from Texas, but had to come crawling back to the middle-north flatlands in order to run for Vice President. He was welcomed back with open arms by a state desperate to have at least one famous person, no matter how evil, claim residency.

Interestingly, Cheyenne serves as the capital of an alternate American dictatorship in two Philip K Dick novels. In a creepy example of life imitating art, Wyoming has been selected for the second Free State Project, wherein those weirdo libertarians sign a pact to relocate to a particular state, bringing people of “demonstrably ethical character” together. The arrival of some jack-booted ethics police might be exactly what Wyoming needs to break up the monotony of ranch hand gunfights and cow fucking.

This Triceratops died of shame.

Finally, Wyoming is one of only seven states to elect a state dinosaur. It’s the Triceratops.

Thanks for reading, Wyoming! We’re glad to have you.

Oklahoma: Most famous for self-titled musical that everyone hates.

We all know there are a few states in this great nation of ours that can sometimes bring a modicum of shame to us Americans. I'm referring to those inbred, culture-less, ignorant, Bible thumping regions, where the day to day uniform is overalls, and their whiskey comes in three X. The kind of State that you assume elitist Europeans think comprises our entire expanse, as they scoff at us for not having universal health care and still believing in God. Well, Oklahoma is the Patron Saint of those states; it brings absolutely zilch to the whole "lower 48" table, and should be treated as nothing more than a blight on our landscape. It comes as no surprise that the Sooners haven't visited our rockin' site... Research shows there are only 4 computers in the State, only one has a modem, and it is running at 14.4kbps.

What can be said about Oklahoma that isn't just a string of frighteningly accurate insults? Hmmm... Well let's start at the beginning. The territory that would eventually become Oklahoma was essentially an afterthougt in the whole Louisiana Purchase debacle that we will never let the French live down. In the 19th Century, this region was chosen as the staging ground for the awesome party that our government was throwing for the thousands of Native Americans in need of relocation. Interestingly enough, the word "Oklahoma" is a Choctaw phrase that actually translates to "Red People," a fact that will literally get you shot if you mention it on the streets of Oklahoma City (their ingeniously named State Capitol). But I digress... There is so much more to Oklahoma than it's ironically racist origins.

Average Oklahomans.

Oklahoma was admitted to the Union in 1907; it lies right in the middle of the pack as far as land mass and population are concerned (20th and 28th). Considered by the majority of boring political pundits to be one of the most staunchly conservative states in the U.S., Oklahoma has more registered Democrats than Republicans or Independents. That kind of statistics-based paradox makes my brain hurt. The city of Tulsa was once considered the "Oil Capitol of the World" and its expansion and prominence served as an instrumental catalyst for the construction of Route 66. These days, Tulsa is famous for being in the heart of Tornado Alley (the 90s disaster movie Twister was set in Oklahoma), a super fun place to live if you really enjoy your fucking house flying away.

In the 1930s the Dust Bowl era began (a period of intense dust storms brought on by a combination of poor farming techniques, drought, and high wind), and spread into Northwestern Oklahoma, forcing many into poverty and relocation (I like to think of this as the revenge of the Native Americans). This period was forever immortalized in John Steinbeck's novel, The Grapes of Wrath, as was the term "Okie," which was once considered derogatory but, illiteracy being an Oklahoman birthright, is now regarded positively. A renewed focus on water conservation (and the understanding that God hates them and doesn't want to give them rain) led the state of Oklahoma to create public works projects that resulted in numerous dams being built, and the creation of the most man-made lakes in the Nation.

Pretty boring, right?

Hey, this is exciting! Brad Pitt was born in Oklahoma, and he was in 12 Monkeys which is awesome. So they’ve got that going for them.

Pictured here, Oklahoma's large wizard population

Today Oklahoma exists purely as Texas's hat. The State doesn't have professional sports (I don't even recognize the Thunder as a relevant franchise), so it obsesses over one of the most successful and crooked college football programs in the country (you could get a donkey into OU if it has a good enough 40 time). Oklahomans sit on their porches, guns in lap (they buy the most ammo in the nation), as they listen to the records of their native son Garth Brooks and reminisce about the good times... and the Klan.

Grossly uninspiring

In a reversal of geographic and demographic norms, a Northern land has proven that its Southern fellows are a more cultured bunch. As much as we here at Culture Blues are heavy into irony, this is one role reversal we are unwilling to lightly accept.

Granted, we sympathize with North Dakota’s undesirable identity as the forgotten Minnesota. Were it not for its status as one of the nation’s North-South tandems, it would unquestionably be most responsible for the demise of “name all 50 states in two minutes” contestants who have forked over money in a shameful display of trivia Americana.

Admitted to the union before its partner on a mere alphabetic technicality, North Dakota continues to stay culturally dormant and ride that 19^th Century happenstance as its biggest success story to date. Meanwhile, South Dakota has overcome its original position as the second Dakota with visits to the CB homepage and brilliant stone carvings of our most revered slave owners. Perhaps North Dakota should consider a rivaling monument to the CB editorial board if it wants to get back on top (figuratively, that is).

Not in North Dakota

The Coen Brothers’ Fargo brought a nationwide cultural consciousness to the shadows of North Dakota life, where everyone is pathetic. William H. Macy’s character, Jerry Lundegaard, is clearly among the most helplessly desperate protagonists in recent cinematic memory. Steve Buscemi’s role demonstrates the sloppiness of the state’s criminals, and even Francis McDormand’s witty, intrepid character, clearly the county’s Albert Einstein, is married to a bald loser whose life’s work only made it onto the 3-cent stamp.

Not to mention, the criminals had to go to Brainerd, Minnesota to get laid. C’mon ND, don’t you know how to have any fun?

Don’t be misled, Jerry Lundegaard’s father-in-law informs us that it’s not a matter of innocence. He scornfully suggests North Dakotan youth take part in illicit activity when they say they’re going to “hang out at McDonald’s”.

The exact line goes: “What do you think they do there? They don’t drink milkshakes I assure you.” What might Mr. Gustafson be implying? We see the following options as possibilities:

1. Boredom-based crystal meth parties popularized by neighboring Montana
2. Satanic séances behind the bushes by the drive-thru menu
3. Acne swab comparisons under the french fry light

However, after further investigation, we here at Culture Blues have determined that simply drinking milkshakes is exactly what North Dakotan adolescents do at McDonald’s.

Fargo circa 2008

Considering the aforementioned North Dakotan pastime of shake drinking, the state’s population has steadily declined since 1990. North Dakotan boredom, among the nation’s most impenetrable, has engendered all kinds of success from its native sons. Elsewhere of course. Famous expats include:

Phil Jackson — While his fellow high school classmates were busy putting triangles into circular holes, Jackson was making them into a basketball offense that would win 10 championships.

Chuck Klosterman — The absolute dearth of cultural education in his North Dakotan upbringing fostered a unique perspective that led him to become a super-successful pop culture commentator once he left his barren homeland.

Louis L’Amour — His original name, LaMoore, was popular among North Dakota families during his turn-of-the-century childhood. In classic North Dakota fashion, he distanced himself from his homeland by changing his name and moving to the bustling metropolis of Oklahoma City. There he published his first of 100-plus books that today take up five shelves at Barnes & Noble despite their inability to sell.

At the time of publication, none of these people had yet to give back to North Dakota.

Those who have loyally stayed behind continue their lives of general confusion. They go to church—ND has the most churches per capita and least percentage of non-religious residents—and vote for Democratic senators. Go figure. Senator Kent Conrad’s longtime political success is credited to his “Castrate not Kill” tolerance campaign against abortion-performing doctors, while Senator Byron Dorgan is best known for convincing his constituents that stem-cell research is crucial to solving the state’s ongoing IQ crisis.

For now, North Dakotans think they can live without us, but the recent launch of the Culture Blues Lutheran newsletter directive should create some hits from the Flickertail State. Until then, the Dakota that prefers to be on top remains drinking milkshakes in the cultureless basement.

Thanks for visiting, North Dakota!

The first of many lousy investments by our government

Over the last year and a half Alaska, our forty-ninth state, has become best known for its export of shithead politicians that make a mockery of democracy. Granted, Alaska might have the unfortunate distinction of harboring our country's first lady of dumbassery, but there is actually so much more to hate about this barren wasteland. Alaska is in fact so terrible  that many consider our current buffer zone (Canada) insufficient protection from the snowball throwing seal beating rejects regularly produced by the destitute northern land mass.

Deemed by the Russians to be too depressing, Alaska was sold to the Union in 1867 for 7.2 million dollars. Once viewed by Secretary of State Richard “Who Will Save My Soul?” Seward as a great bargain for its ample resources, the state's value has greatly depreciated due to bleeding heart conservationists, a ban on whale meat, and the alarming 95% suicide rate among residents. Currently, Alaska sits at an EBay buy-now price of 350 thousand dollars.

Despite being the largest state, Alaska remains the least populated. During the 1940s Alaska was briefly considered as a potential home for the displaced Jews of Europe but, having been through enough, the Jews decided the Middle East would be more hospitable.

Alaska has also been identified as one of the least religious states in the Union. Before you confuse this lack of belief in a deity as some form of mass enlightenment from the igloo-loving jerk-offs of Alaska, keep in mind that 57% of the state pray to polar bear God Iorek Byrnison, better known as a fictional character from Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy. Byrnisonology is not recognized by the US Census as a legitimate religion.

Adorable!

Alaska experienced a brief tourism boom in the early 90s with travelers visiting the coast to view the aesthetically pleasing site of the Exxon-Valdez crash (oil rainbows are so pretty). Many kind-hearted visitors partook in the trend of penguin wiping, but were eventually turned off by the statewide custom of skinning clean penguins and eating their raw, goofy brains. Tourism has since been curtailed, especially after efforts by the Bush administration to create a beautiful, new unnatural disaster (better known as the Flaming Freedom Ocean plan) were thwarted by local do-gooders that like their nature unspoiled and boring.

In terms of economics, 80% of the state’s revenues are derived from the oil and gas industry. Alaska ranks 45^th among the states in gross state product. So you can see how well that is working out for our northern friends. The other 20% of the state’s revenues come from salmon, recycled caribou parts, and Jewel poetry book sales.

Frankly, we’d be better off without them, but thanks for clicking Alaska! We’re glad to have you!

West Virginia is for lovers...of guns and incest

Widely regarded as the worst state in the Union, West Virginia is grossly underrated. It is actually one of the worst places in the entire world. Described by some as the “armpit of the east,” and by others as the “pubic lice of the Mason-Dixon,” West Virginia and the shitty people that live there should be regarded with derision and scorn by all.

Our 35th state was formed in 1861 when original Virginia sent its most degenerate citizens (and also the best banjo players) to the western portion of the state, a sort of Appalachian version of Australia. Later, West Virginia would be kicked out of the Confederacy for being "too racist." They were welcomed back by a federal government that has been keeping them dumb and flush with guns ever since.

Speaking of guns, they are West Virginia's biggest export, especially the illegal kind. West Virginia has become recognized in recent years as an open door arsenal for out-of-state criminals. This odious reputation, largely due to the state's lax background checks and registration requirements, only increased earlier this year with the passage of the Give Toddlers Glocks Act ("you can't finger print dem babies").

Besides enabling armed robbery and school shootings, West Virginia's second biggest industry is coal. Long beholden to the archaic pollutant, the state is lorded over, and merrily exploited by, the fat cat corporate suits of Big Coal.  The phrase "clean coal" was originally coined to trick hillbillies into working in deadly coal mines. Thus, West Virginia is ranked nationally as the third lowest in per capita income.

Garner seen here striking West Virginia's official state face

Also, West Virginia ranks 51st in college education rates. Only 17.3% of the state's population has bachelor's degrees. It's pretty unlikely that your average West Virginian has the reading comprehension necessary to understand this review, or the electricity required to access the internet, thus rendering this an exercise in futility. We can only hope for a situation where one of West Virginia's "book-learned faggots" escapes to the state's only library and manages to access us from there. If so - hi, the next site you should access is Uhaul.com

West Virginia's most famous native is Jennifer Garner, who inflicted Elektra on us, aka, the West Virginia of movies.

Thanks for clicking, West Virginia! We're glad to have you!