Go ahead and jump.

Jeff is spraying a pint of Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra with a fire extinguisher when Jeremiah walks in.

Jeremiah White:  What are you doing?

Jeff Hart:  The office freezer is full again and my B&J's is melting! It's a travesty!

Jeremiah White:  So you're trying to keep it cold with a fire extinguisher?

Jeff Hart:  Yes. I saw it in Man on a Ledge. Don't you remember?

Jeremiah White:  Yeah, but I think that was supposed to be a fire extinguisher they had filled with liquid nitrogen, or something.

Jeff Hart:  Like Terminator 2?

Jeremiah White:  If that helps you. Whether Man on a Ledge was playing epically fast and loose with the facts or just asking its audience to connect dots that aren’t on the same page, either way, what you're doing isn't going to save your dessert.

Jeff Hart:  This wouldn't even be a problem if I had a Reverse Microwave™.

Jeremiah White:  Can we please have one workday that goes by without a discussion of the Reverse Microwave™?

Jeff Hart:  But if we can heat things up fast, why can't we de-heat them down fast?

Jeremiah White:  I know, I know.

Jeff Hart:  Fine, let's not talk about the most important hypothetical invention of the 21st century. Would you rather talk about Man on a Ledge?

Jeremiah White:  Sure. It sucked.

Jeff Hart:  It sure did. I’d compare it to a movie like Phone Booth. It’s got a bad case of “wouldn’t it be cool if?” syndrome. Wouldn’t it be cool if we built an entire movie around a dude threatening to jump off a ledge?

Jeremiah White:  It is easily one of the most implausible movies ever. It would be a waste of time to recount all the ways that it obliterates credulity.

Jeff Hart:  MoaL starts with a dubious premise: Sam Worthington threatening suicide to distract people from his real plan. And from that point on, director Asger Leth’s film displays no internal logic. In almost every scene, laws (natural and manmade) bend in service to that initial premise.

Jeremiah White:  I'll give screenwriter Pablo F. Fenjves this much, MoaL charts a fairly straightforward course from the first frame to the last. That's kind of refreshing for a movie meant to offer twists in the final act. It follows a linear timeline, outside of the flashback that constitutes the entire first act. They never attempt any major “gotcha” moments that make the movie into something else. And they don't cheat in terms of what information they give the audience, with one significant and very predictable excep...

Jeff Hart:  I told you it was the father!

I have redacted Jeff's reckless comment in case anyone reading actually cares about the plot of Man On a Ledge.

Jeremiah White:  And how about the semi-star-studded cast?

Jeff Hart:  The mind boggles that any actor with a choice in projects would set down this script and be like “get me in this movie!” I guess it makes sense for Sam Worthington. This is the kind of vehicle he deserves. Elizabeth Banks and Ed Burns – what are you doing here? I hope their check cleared promptly.

Jeremiah White:  Yeah, but Ed Harris' pronunciation of "Chihuahua" should win some kind of an award, right?

Jeff Hart:  Obviously. And Titus Welliver is in it, and surprise! He's playing a corrupt cop.

I don't know why I bother. We ALL know how Welliver's character is going to turn out.

Jeff Hart:  It's actually kind of funny that it's called Man on a Ledge when Worthington's character is so passive for much of the movie. It's really about the screw-up doof who has to get his shit together and pull off a remarkably sophisticated heist to save his big bro.

Jeremiah White:  Yeah, but Sunnyside Townie In a Jewelry Vault With His Testy Lingerie Model Girlfriend doesn't have the same ring to it.

Jeff Hart:  That is a mouthful. Is there anything left to say about MoaL?

Jeremiah White:  I think that Leth actually knew how ridiculous this whole project was and just wanted to make a fun movie in spite of that. In a way, he succeeded. I submit MoaL as a near perfect candidate for the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment. There's so much to make fun of, from the famous faces and the implausibility to the stiff/bizarre line readings and confounding representation of New York. Other bad movies wish they were this much fun to mock.

Magneto would never find himself in this position.

Jeff rolls into Jeremiah’s office enclosed inside an Atlasphere.

Jeff Hart:  American Gladiators reference!

Jeremiah White:  Okay, great. So you’re ready to review Haywire.

Jeff Hart:  I am! Going into Haywire, it’s important to understand that Steven Soderbergh is no longer making serious movies. He’s entered a phase of his career where he can secure money and talent for whatever weird diversionary project he wants to spend his time on. I admire that. It’s exciting to see a filmmaker undertake random exercises in genre, but it also makes Haywire feel a bit frivolous and slapdash.

Jeremiah White:  Soderbergh mixes the spy thriller with some retro elements, some exploitation elements, and it mostly works. Except, he blows his best action sequences in the first 40 minutes.

Jeff Hart:  Yeah, there are definitely diminishing returns on the fight scenes. Soderbergh keeps things interesting with some really compelling shot choices in the later acts, but he never matches the adrenaline rush of the first couple fights.

Jeremiah White:  Anyway, enough about Soderbergh. Haywire is a vehicle for CRUSH!

Jeff Hart:  Like Sasha Grey in the heinously boring The Girlfriend Experience, MMA fighter and former American Gladiator Gina Carano is Soderbergh’s latest fixation. Haywire hinges on her fighting skills.

Jeremiah White:  Which are considerable. Carano’s ability to credibly perform the physical feats asked of her makes the action much more brutal and the viewing experience much more immersive.

Jeff Hart:  She’s great at emoting, but not so great at reading lines. She could be, like, the female Steven Seagal for this generation. Except, would a Carano action vehicle be half so interesting if not directed with Soderbergh’s verve?

Jeremiah White:  Half as interesting? Perhaps, but there’s no doubt that unless she continues teaming with auteurs and star-studded casts, Carano is destined for low-budget kung fu flicks where she is the only real attraction. That might sound bleak, but in truth very few martial arts experts ever surpass that and achieve legit Hollywood stardom.

Jeff Hart:  I don’t usually bother with the press notes for films, but there are a couple Soderbergh quotes I want to highlight.

Jeremiah White:  Go for it.

Jeff Hart:  Intern, break out the formatting!

“In [early Bond films], you get to know who the characters are instead of just what they do. In more recent espionage-action films, there isn’t a lot of time spent developing the supporting characters. I wanted to revisit the early Bond films. Their ratio of story to action is very much like ours.” – Steven Soderbergh

Jeff Hart:  I feel like he’s taking a shot at the Bourne films there. Which is weird, because Haywire more resembles a Bourne movie than it does an early Bond flick.

Jeremiah White:  Yeah, Bourne is the standard bearer of action completely eclipsing any sort of character development. And Haywire plays exactly like a stripped down, looser version of a Bourne movie… only with a chick.

Jeff Hart:  Great segue! Next quote - this one is in reference to Haywire not being overtly feminist.

“It’s rarely brought up that Mallory Kane [Carano] is a woman. It’s just a fact, and people make assumptions about her that turn out not to be true.” – Steven Soderbergh

Jeff Hart:  I suppose this is true in that characters rarely bring up Carano’s gender directly.

Jeremiah White:  Channing Tatum never screams “Oh God, I’m getting beat up by a girl!”

Jeff Hart:  But her lady-ness is a huge part of the filmmaking and one I think it’s almost disingenuous to try and play off. The sneak attacks against Carano – and there are many – all play as particularly shocking because they’re done against a female. Her gender also factors into nearly every fight scene; whether it be a random male bystander jumping in on her behalf or Carano locking Michael Fassbender in the cunnilingus-deathlock. I actually really like how Soderbergh didn’t just shoehorn a badass lady into a male action star part and, instead, made a legit female action star whose gender is a defining part of her personality. Even if Haywire left me lukewarm, that’s still worth acknowledging.

Jeremiah White:  Absolutely, but make no mistake, go see Haywire for a couple of awesome fights, not the feminism.

Jeff Hart:  Didn't this movie already come out? I read a bunch of reviews last week.

Jeremiah White:  Those were reviews of the IMAX version. It doesn't open on screens for the common folk until tomorrow.

Jeff:  So what you're saying is that we have the world exclusive first ever review of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (Non-IMAX Version)?

We can't legally say that.

Jeremiah:  Exactly.

Jeff:  When it comes to reviewing the #2 version of a film, we're #1.

Jeremiah:  That's what I've been shooting for.

Jeff:  Enough chest-puffing. How is M:I4?

Jeremiah:  In between the countless spy setpieces, it's a dimwitted blockbuster kept afloat solely by its affable sense of humor. During the spy setpieces, it's excellent. Pretty much infallible.

Jeff:  Let's talk about those then. The rest sounds lousy.

Jeremiah:  No one goes to Mission: Impossible movies for the talky talk. The action sequences are well-paced and varied, from the light-hearted amusement of a high-tech version of Wile E. Coyote painting a tunnel entrance on a wall, to the heart-stopping intensity of Tom Cruise's much-publicized building walk. The only thing that lacks is the somewhat uninspired fight scenes. But that changes drastically in the final act, during a perfectly staged knockdown drag-out fight that I can't wait to see again.

Jeff:  I like fights! This installment introduces Cruise's heir apparent in Jeremy Renner. How does that all shake out?

Jeremiah:  As ridiculous and trite as it is, one of the themes of Ghost Protocol is teamwork. And while no one cares about these guys getting along, the team currently has a very nice makeup: the veteran leader (Cruise), the new recruit (Renner), the capable hot chick (Paula Patton) and the nerd/comic relief (Simon Pegg). For a franchise based on a team concept, this is the first time they’ve had one that functions this well and seems capable of going multiple installments. I'm actually hoping for a few more installments of Renner studying under Cruise's tutelage.

Jeff:  Does Cruise actually do anything that makes you want him to stick around?

Jeremiah:  Well, he pants and grits his teeth a lot. And I'm not saying that to mock him. In wide shots, Ethan Hunt is doing superhuman things, but in close up, Tom Cruise looks like a human pushing his body and mind to the limit. The movie's much better for it.

Jeff:  Director Brad Bird garnered a great deal of acclaim for his animated features The Incredibles and Ratatouille. It sounds like he has successfully made the jump to live action.

Jeremiah:  For sure. The Incredibles established his ability to craft engaging and original action sequences, and that's exactly what he delivers here. Ghost Protocol may not be an action classic, but as far as pure adrenaline delivery systems go, it's tough to beat. What's more, Bird has managed to make all this very familiar spy gadgetry stuff cool again. It's hard to imagine the Bond films of yesteryear succeeding in the gritty reboot dominated world of 2011... until you see Ghost Protocol.

Jeff:  You sound pretty smitten with Mission: Impossible right now.

Jeremiah:  It's a strange franchise to me. They have to include little nods to the original TV series (the ubiquitous music, self-destructing messages), but people don't really remember or care about the source material. The movie franchise exists on its own but has struggled to establish an identity. What is a Mission: Impossible movie? From De Palma's quaint-by-comparison spectacle to Woo's bombastic action to Abrams' convoluted skullduggery and higher emotional stakes, Tom Cruise and latex masks are the only constants. With an established plan of succession for its star, and Abrams and Cruise bringing in the right talent like Bird and screenwriters Andre Nemec and Josh Applebaum (Happy Town, She Spies), Mission: Impossible is that rare franchise that I’m actually getting more excited about the longer it goes on.

Culture Blues now hiring a research assistant.

At his desk, Jeff is sorting headshots into two piles: ‘too goth’ and ‘not goth enough.’ Jeremiah enters.

Jeremiah White:  What’s all this?

Jeff Hart:  Oh, just looking for a sexy cyberpunk chick with a tragic past resulting in a voracious sexual appetite to be my new research assistant.

Jeremiah:  Are we getting rid of the intern?

Oh please, say yes.

Jeff:  No, I’m not tired of this bit yet. Don’t worry, intern, your job here at Culture Blues is safe. You’ll get those three college credits yet!

Jeremiah:  Okay, so remind me why you need a research assistant again?

Jeff:  Is it so wrong to want a nubile young body around? Especially one that’s simultaneously uninhibited and empowered, likely owing to her rich history of brutal sexual assault. Is that such a far out creature to hope for?

Jeremiah:  Oh, I get it. We’re talking about The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Jeff:  Yeah. Check it out, this is how I’m wearing my glasses from now on.

Jeff maneuvers his glasses so that they hang from one ear, resting under his chin.

Jeremiah: Why?

Jeff:  Because I’m a journalist!

Jeremiah:  So how was David Fincher’s take on the beloved crypto-thriller? Did it live up the reputation of the Swedish original, which we greeted with a somewhat positive yawn over a year ago?

Jeff:  It’s pretty much the same movie, just with better ingredients. Both Fincher and Swedish director Niels Arden Oplev stay extremely close to the source material – Fincher even more so as he abandons one of Oplev’s morally ambiguous narrative changes, which was actually one of the more interesting aspects of the Swedish version. But I digress. Fincher imbues his version with a pervasive creepiness that was missing from the sometimes dull Swedish original. That’s not to say that Fincher doesn’t dive head first into the detective work minutiae – he does, repurposing many of his visual ideas from Zodiac – but it’s all done in a much more forbidding fashion.

Jeremiah:  It’s good then? Another win for Fincher?

Jeff:  Let’s not go crazy. Despite a really strong performance from Rooney Mara, who endures a disquieting amount of horny fetishizing from Fincher, Dragon Tattoo is nowhere near as compelling as the director’s other work. It makes a more interesting trailer than it does a film.

Jeremiah:  You’re a Dragon Tattoo hater, though. Your opinion doesn’t count.

Jeff:  I am a hater, you’re right. Without getting too deep into spoiler territory, the mystery central to Dragon Tattoo requires an absolutely massive leap in logic that I’ve never been able to square. I was more okay with the Swedish version, because I didn’t know it was coming. Knowing the ending and still having to plod through two hours and forty minutes of investigation definitely hurt my enjoyment of Fincher’s work.

Jeremiah:  Isn’t it supposed to be about the journey, not the destination?

Jeff:  Yes, which is why I wish that Fincher had retained some of the moral ambiguity that Oplev injected into the Swedish version. I’ve never read the novel, so take this gross generalization with a grain of salt, but it seems like a combination of boilerplate noir and creepy male wish fulfillment masquerading as feminism. Fincher doesn’t do enough to play down those elements. He’s too faithful to the source material. Often breathtaking visuals and strong performances from Mara and the rest of the cast just aren’t enough to elevate this above the standard issue thriller.

More like Breaking Yawn AM I RIGHT?

Jeremiah and Jeff stop by my cubicle. Jeremiah hands me a stack of paperwork.

Jeremiah:  Intern, I’m going to need you to summarize these Wikipedia pages on the Twilight Saga for us. ASAP.

Jeff:  I don’t want to be lost during all the hot vampire on werewolf on boring girl action! I need context.

Intern:  Actually, I had an, um, girlfriend that was really into the series, so I know most—

Jeff:  WTF YOU DON’T GET DIALOGUE!

Jeremiah:  Ugh, nevermind. Let’s just go watch the thing.

So they do. And then they come back and start a review.

Jeremiah: Try as you might, you’re just not going to find anywhere else on the internet where two grown men who haven’t read any of the Twilight books or seen any of the previous movies review Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

Jeff: We are, officially, the world’s leading exporter of ignorant opinions coming from waaaayy outside the demographic on BD:P1. Suck it, Christian Science Monitor.

Jeremiah: As an outsider, I’m using this movie as a way to gain greater insight into the teenagers of 2011. And let me tell you, they’re fucking depressed.

Jeff: It’s filmmaking for a generation that remembers 9/11 as something that interrupted recess. At first, I was surprised that the Summit Entertainment folks were handing out Prozac at the screening, but now I totally get it. If someone makes you go see Twilight, grab a handful of goofballs on your way out the door.

Jeremiah: Seriously, the first half of the movie consists of this girl getting married to this dreamy vampire—

Jeff:  Dreamy?! Are you serious? Maybe this is already well trod ground, so apologies to people that think about Twilight a lot, but those vampires look like monsters. They aren’t passing. If I saw a Cullen on the street, I’d probably have one of those Lovecraftian moments where my mortal mind can’t comprehend the horror before me and my psyche completely shatters.

Jeremiah:   Well, girls like him. Anyway, Bella spends the whole honeymoon fretting about getting freaky with a 100-year old dude, cause he’s going to break her with his superdick.

Jeff: That’s the medical term.

Jeremiah: Right. And then, SPOILER ALERT, she gets pregnant with a demon and spends the rest of the movie having the hellspawn eat her from the inside. She smiles twice. Jesus, lighten up. And what’s that Jacob dude’s problem?

Jeff:  Besides acting?

Jeremiah:  Yes, ignoring that.

Jeff: Well, ten seconds into the movie he rips his shirt off and then he spends the rest of the runtime just pissed off at everyone and everything. Probably because he has to wear a shirt. Dude hates shirts.

Jeremiah: I don’t know, I might be mad too. He’s a beefcake teen wolf, and the girl chose the dude who’s 100 years old over him. That’s brutal.

Jeff:  The other vampires must really hate being around Edward if, after 100 years, he can only really connect with an 18 year old girl. Like, they could be talking about the historical patterns of ethnic migration that they’ve personally observed over the last century, and Edward keeps interrupting to ask if anyone wants to go troll a Hot Topic.

Jeremiah: Vampires and werewolves ought to be fun. But the whole thing is way too self-serious.

Jeff:  Outside of a brief appearance by Anna Kendrick, no one involved with the production appears to have any sense of humor. I mean, I sometimes found director Bill Condon’s choices funny, like some badly timed cutaways or what vapid Taylor Lautner line-readings he chose in editing, and I suppose he could’ve been winking at the audience with those. But I doubt it.

Jeremiah:  Another thing that bugged me:  they are really not very accommodating to newcomers. Maybe it’s my fault for jumping into “The Twilight Saga” at the tail end, but throw me a bone here. Who’s the vampire high council that appears in Kristen Stewart’s dream? And I was never really clear on what the options were once she was pregnant. Everyone had very strong opinions on which course to take, and I really didn’t know what any of them were talking about.

Jeff: They really throw you into the deep-end as far as Twilight jargon goes, talking about Imprinting and Venom and whatever. Alienating new viewers isn’t really a concern, though. No one, besides us, is going to see this movie without having seen the others or read the books. They know their audience and I actually liked that they didn’t bother trying to appeal to anyone else.

Jeremiah:  That target audience of teenage girls and weird older ladies seemed to enjoy Breaking Dawn well enough.

Jeff:  Watching the film in a room that was half critics and half excited teeny-bopper advance screening contest winners was pretty great. I felt almost bad for the kids, what with a lot of us cynical jerks laughing at completely inappropriate times. That didn’t seem to hurt their experience, though. So, if you’re into conservative teenage angst and gloom, and you’ve somehow made it to the end of this review, go see this movie!

This... is... Sparta! (more or less)

It’s a week later and Jeff is still lecturing me on finances. He has just finished the section entitled “Credit Cards: Free Money? Or Free-er Money?” when Jeremiah stumbles through the doors of the Culture Blues office looking disheveled and damp.

Jeff Hart: Whoa! Where have you been, you madman?

Jeremiah White: I was just at this crazy new club called Immortals.

Jeff: Um, don’t you mean the movie screening for Immortals… the movie?

Jeremiah: Well yeah, there was some kind of art installation projected on one of the walls. But if that was a movie then why were people socializing the entire time? Why was thunderous bass shaking the room? Why did people show up 30 minutes after the lights went out? And keep checking their phones? And whistling when there was nudity? And why was there almost a fight right in front of me? Why did I hear “Who the fuck are you?” followed by “Wanna see me after?” No, this was no advance screening crowd. This was a party.

Jeff: Look, I am like 65% sure that Immortals is a movie opening this weekend. You wrote something yesterday about the director, Tarsem Singh. Does that ring a bell?

Jeremiah: No! But I’m going to play along just in case you’re right. If this is a movie, then it is a slick, visually stimulating, hollow, plotless one.

Jeff: It’s based on Greek myths, how can it be plotless?

Jeremiah: I’m no academic, but I read up on some of the source material before the screening. I was afraid I might have trouble following it otherwise. How naïve! Look, the set up for this movie is as simple as “Mickey Rourke=bad, these other people=good, FIGHT!”

Jeff: Oh yeah, Mickey Rourke. How’s he?

Jeremiah: He mumbles a lot.

Jeff: Of course.

Jeremiah: He seems more comfortable than the rest of the cast. They’re all so stiff and boring. The main guy, Henry Cavill, is like Mark Hamil for the 21^st Century. Good job casting him as Superman. Clark Kent’s boring too.

Jeff: Harsh words from someone who’s never read a Superman comic book. How’s Stephen Dorff? I know you’re a big fan.

Jeremiah: You mean Deacon Frost? I don’t even know why they put him in the movie. He hardly does anything. His agent sucks.

Jeff: So this was all one big waste, huh?

Jeremiah: Well, everything I just said is kind of missing the point. This is an action movie. Therefore, the action is kind of the most important thing. And it’s all pretty cool. It’s just 300 on angel dust, but I was entertained during the numerous fights. The rest is kind of a slog. But man, when the guys with super powers show up…

Jeff: You mean the gods?

Jeremiah: Yeah whatever, they tear it up. They each have a weapon and they dish out some Mortal Kombat worthy fatalities. The dude with the trident really…

Jeff: Poseidon?

Jeremiah: Yeah sure, who cares! Tarsem Singh sure doesn’t. Anyway, the dude with the trident tears it up. They should either cancel the inevitable God of War movie or make the director study the climax of this movie, because Tarsem Singh nails video game fighting on film. He brings a fast paced, martial arts heavy style to typical sword-and-sandal slashing, and it works well.

Jeff: OK, so the last 30 minutes or so are pretty cool and the rest stinks?

Jeremiah:  Yeah, kind of. It’s a good movie to see at the dollar theater. Solid action, and the rest isn’t really terrible, it’s just bland.

Jeff: How’s the 3D?

Jeremiah: You know what I hate more than 3D itself? The fact that I have to keep delivering the same spiel. It makes the movie darker than it should be and it doesn’t add nearly enough to justify its use.

Jeff: Naturally. Anything else to say about it before I get back to lecturing the monkey?

Jeremiah: Yeah, this movie has some of the best armor this side of Game of Thrones. Be on the lookout for minotaur-man, feather-boy, and Rourke’s crab claw-fly trap helm. The Hound would be impressed.

Jeff: Immortals - cool vapid action and sweet helmets. I’m sold!

The cast of Brett Ratner's movie about minorities.

Jeff is in the process of explaining to me how he invested my work-study credit for the fall semester into a pair of solid gold pants.

Jeff Hart:  You probably can’t understand this, because you’re a poor person and you have been your entire life probably which is why you’re my intern, but these pants will be worth a lot of money some day. M-O-N-E-Y. You spend it on goods and services. Do you understand, monkey?

Jeremiah glides into Jeff’s office on the Segway he invested my student loan check in. He crashes it into Jeff’s sword collection.

Jeff:  Don’t worry. I’ll write that off.

Jeremiah White: Just swinging by to see if you’re ready to review Tower Heist. I can’t wait to talk about it!

Jeff: I didn’t think you’d be so eager to review it.

Jeremiah:  I’m still riding a high from how at ease Brett Ratner’s film made me feel about our country. Things are going to turn around, buddy. I can feel it. Ratner can feel it.

Jeff:  Okay, you’re being facetious. I hope. But let me start off with my two major complaints about Tower Heist.

Jeremiah: Go ahead.

Jeff:  First, and this really has very little bearing on the final film, but Tower Heist was originally billed as Ratner’s “black” Ocean’s Eleven. But then they white-washed the cast, except for Eddie Murphy. I can’t help but wonder how that original movie would have been. Some of the characters, particularly Stiller’s hyper class-aware striver, would’ve been that much more interesting played by  a black actor.

Jeremiah:  That’s racist. In your reverse Tower Heist, is Eddie Murphy still Eddie Murphy?

Jeff:  Yes. No. Maybe he’s Michael Rapaport. I haven’t decided.

Jeremiah:  Second complaint?

Jeff:  That Tower Heist has aspirations of tapping into the populist sentiment sweeping most of the country, of being a kind of wish fulfillment for the middle-class revenging themselves against the bankers who ruined their lives. It’s a nice thought, although in the hands of a commercial hack like Ratner, it seems manipulative and trite.

Jeremiah:  Are you saying Brett Ratner can’t empathize with the service class?

Jeff:  No, he can’t. And yet, all that aside, I actually enjoyed Tower Heist. Mildly offensive pretentions of class warfare aside, the film is a fun family caper that never wears out its welcome or insults viewers’ intelligence. It’s candy, but as mainstream cinema goes, you could definitely do worse.

Jeremiah: I was really impressed with how much of the humor is allowed to come from the characters and performances than from the heist hijinks. Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Casey Affleck, Matthew Broderick and Michael Pena are all funny guys, and when they are onscreen together, good things happen. By the time the heist finally rolls around, it’s a little disappointing that stunts and misdirection take over.

Jeff: You’re mad that Tower Heist ends with a heist?

Jeremiah: Name and plot aside, this isn’t much of a heist movie. It’s a comedy, and a silly one at that. Throughout the planning portion, Ratner seems to get that. Not as much once Stiller and Murphy are hanging above Central Park.

Jeff: Whoa! Spoiler alert!

Jeremiah: Ratner does deserve credit for staying on message though. There is a hint of a love interest for Stiller, but nothing more. And the main characters are developed through the performances and dialogue instead of tacked on subplots. It works well, and by the end I would have liked to spend some more time with the Tower Heist crew.

Jeff: I’d watch 3 episodes of the Tower Heist TV series until it got canceled.

Jeremiah: Careful what you wish for. Did you hear about the Source Code show?

Jeff: No, but Jeff from September 2011 did. Come on!

Jeremiah: Oh man, I gotta get going. The Intern’s grandma sent him a $50 Halloween check and I have a manicure appointment.

Huh?

Jeff: Really? You’re getting manicures now?

Jeremiah: Who cares? It’s free! Anyway, let’s wrap up. All this positivity about Tower Heist shouldn’t really encourage people to go see it, I mean it’s not exactly good.

Jeff: Lord no, not in the grand scheme of things. You don’t need to seek it out, but you don’t need to avoid it like the plague, which most sensible people probably would have based on the director, cast, premise and promotion.

Jeremiah: Yeah, so, like 6 out of 10?

Jeff: Sure.

Jeremiah: Officially earning it the Culture Blues stamp of Not As Bad As It Could Have Been. OK great. I gotta go get my feet done.

Jeff: A manicure is your hands, moron.

Jeremiah: Are you sure? Who cares. I’m out of here.

Jeremiah runs out of the office. Jeff turns to me.

Jeff: It’s obvious you’re not grasping the whole money thing. Go get my blackboard and chalk - the colored ones.

I wonder if Eddie Murphy would help me steal those.

Jeff: Let’s get didactic!

You are not MacReady.

If you’re wondering how I’m able to transcribe this The Thing review while tied to a couch in the Culture Blues office, the answer is two-fold: 1) I have an amazing memory and 2) shut up. Anyway, Jeff  is pacing around the room with a blowtorch.

Jeff Hart: Why don’t you have any fillings?! How do I know you’re human?!

Intern:  I do have fillings!

Jeff:  I can’t tell if those are Oreos or not! This is the end of humanity as we know it.

Jeremiah enters. He looks around.

Jeremiah White:  Really? This is the best Thing bit you could come up with?

Jeff shoots a ball of fire into the air.

Jeff:  Does that answer your question?

Jeremiah: Well, if you’re done setting the intern on fire, I’d like to talk about what is perhaps cinema’s most unnecessary prequel.

Jeff:  I loved it--!

Jeremiah:  Ugh, you’re kidding.

Jeff:  --is what I would say, if New Thing would have ended after its first hour. They’ve got a fun monster movie going that borrows a lot of scenarios from John Carpenter’s Thing. It isn’t the most original scary movie but, if you liked Old Thing, and I think we can both agree how awesome that movie is…

Jeremiah:  Yes. Agreed.

Jeff:  Well, then you should enjoy New Thing. Because it’s just, like, MORE Thing. At least until it goes off the rails in its final act.

Jeremiah:  New Thing definitely sets itself up to possibly deliver a solid monster movie. But even from the beginning, it is just more of the same, and it's not as good. Even the best parts of New Thing are just a pale imitation of the original. Nothing of worth is added. Where did it lose you, super-fan?

Jeff:  Without getting too deep into spoiler territory, in the last act they leave behind the suspense of people getting eaten and cloned for a haphazard attempt to expand the creature’s mythology. It’s extraordinarily silly. For most of its runtime, New Thing doesn’t seem to have any ambition beyond being a more CGI’d copy of Carpenter’s classic. Then, all of a sudden, it decides it needs to give us some new insight into this world. It goes all Aliens vs Predator, all of a sudden.

Jeremiah: Yes, after abandoning what made the original unique, New Thing tries to justify its own existence by offering us stuff we didn't see in the original. It's a lame, superficial and futile attempt that burns through the scant good will built up in the first hour like a flamethrower melting an ice cube. While it tries to appear ambitious, New Thing actually devolves into an uninspired and boring monster vs humans scenario.

Jeff:  What else does New Thing do wrong? Well, it completely forgets that it is taking place in Antarctica, where I’ve heard it’s really cold. Struggling against the elements is part of Old Thing, but here Ramona Flowers and Joel Edgerton don’t seem too concerned with burning down their shelter. At night, they run around in jeans.

Jeremiah:  Joel Edgerton makes frostbite tap out! What did you make of the special effects?

Jeff:  Well, Carpenter’s original has some landmark monster creation and classic gore effects, so that’s obviously what I prefer. But as CGI-reliant as this was, at least it is used creatively.

Jeremiah:  Yeah, there’s a really gross and awesome bit that I think is where New Thing peaks. It’s the biggest, most protracted monster devouring of the movie. It’s great, but it’s all downhill after that.

Jeff:  Getting back into spoiler territory, New Thing ends up in a very similar place as Old Thing, but it doesn’t have the courage to deliver a similarly dark ending. Which is disappointing, especially considering fans of the original will have some idea where this is headed.

Jeremiah:  Yeah, the final two in the New Thing aren’t nearly as exciting as Kurt Russell and Keith David. How could they be? My advice is people skip this and rewatch Old Thing.

Jeff:  I’d never try to dissuade people from watching Old Thing. But, if you’re a horror buff, I’d probably make a cautious recommendation to check out the prequel.

Jeremiah:  I think you’re an alien.

One disenchanted political fixer.

It’s a noisy day here in the Culture Blues office, situated right in the heart of downtown Manhattan. Jeremiah sits behind his desk, sleeves rolled up, his tie loosened. He pours over a stack of paperwork.

Jeremiah White:  These latest poll numbers look terrible.

Intern:  What poll numbers?

Jeremiah scribbles a message on a piece of paper. He hands it to me. It reads, “I DON’T UNDERSTAND POLITICS.”

Jeremiah:  I’ll have that back, please.

Jeremiah takes back the note. He eats it.

Jeremiah:  Can’t be too careful.

Jeff bursts in. He is sweatier than normal. He rushes to the window, throwing back the satin curtains to peer down at the large Occupy Wall Street march happening below.

Jeff Hart:  It’s chaos out there! The Bolsheviks are coming for us at last!

Jeremiah:  I don’t see any Bolsheviks.

Jeff lights a cigarette with a wad of $100 bills.

Jeff:  Intern, that was your bonus. I had to burn it before these communists could make you share it with them.

Jeremiah points down into the crowd.

Jeremiah:  Is that Ryan Gosling?

Jeff presses himself against the window.

Jeff:  Where?!

Jeremiah:  JK! Let’s review The Ides of March.

Jeff:  Ah, yes. What an apt segue, considering the turbulent political times that we live in. Have you ever heard the expression “not your daddy’s political thriller”?

Jeremiah:  Not exactly.

Jeff:  Well, this IS your daddy’s political thriller. If your Dad was a writer for the West Wing in the late 90s. The ideas expressed in the Ides of March feel old. The political banter – in light of recent gems like In The Loop – feels downright lethargic. As a whole, it’s unambitious and predictable political boilerplate that speaks not at all to the times we live in.

Jeremiah:  The acting is really good, though.

Jeff:  The acting is excellent, of course. Although the cast isn’t really asked to do much but bandy political rhetoric and look intensely at each other. They do that well. But, I didn’t feel any particular closeness between Gosling and his supposed mentor Phillip Seymour Hoffman. The movie hinges on a relationship that these characters repeatedly tell us is there, but never really manifests itself until the film’s closing frames. So, maybe the acting isn’t that excellent? Can it be good acting if I’m consistently bored?

Jeremiah:  Maybe not! I think this is more a case of good performances just not being enough. At times, it feels like an endless string of actor showdowns, and as you alluded to, the characters and relationships aren’t fleshed out enough to make us care.

Jeff: It’s a thriller without the thrills.

Jeremiah:  By the end, I was on the edge of my seat, but only because I wanted to beat the rush to collect my confiscated camcorder and directional microphone. Fascists! That Ryan Gosling sure is charming though, am I right?

Jeff:  He’s hella dreamy. I feel like he’s the George Clooney of my generation. Ohhh, Clooney-burn! You old!

Jeremiah:  What does one make of George Clooney the director at this point? He’s made Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Good Night and Good Luck, Leatherheads and now this. I haven’t actually seen Leatherheads, but he seems to be getting worse.

Jeff:  The Ides of March is definitely better than Leatherheads. I wouldn’t say that Clooney’s been getting worse necessarily. I think he’s a capable director and his bare bones style really suits Ides. I am beginning to question his choices in projects, though. For all his fancy clothes and interactions with early 20s models, is Clooney out of touch?

Jeremiah:  I don’t want to be too hard on Ides of March. I didn’t hate it. I was pretty engaged for the first half, and mostly tolerant for the second half. It’s never really bad, but watching great actors regurgitate simplistic, half-baked political ideas isn’t my cup of tea. Even if I agree wholeheartedly with the thesis that being involved in politics, particularly on the national stage, means it’s not a matter of whether you’re dirty, just a question of how dirty.

Jeff:  I disagree. I disliked this film. I was bored during the first half and annoyed in the second half. The real tragedy of The Ides of March isn’t the political compromises made, but the amount of talent languishing in such stale material.

What's in the (batter's) box?!

Jeremiah is sitting on the floor in the middle of the Culture Blues office in front of a baseball video game with a large notebook on his lap. The office is dark and he’s squinting at a screen of box scores.

Jeff Hart: Well what’s going on in here?

Jeremiah looks up with a glassy sheen over his eyes.

Jeremiah White: I’m attempting to use Moneyball strategies with the Oakland A’s on MVP Baseball 2003 for PS2.

Jeff: Yes! That sounds amazing! How’s it going?

Jeremiah: Pretty good. But the stat tracking isn’t really extensive enough, so I had to get out the old notebook. Do some the manual way.

Jeff: Manual video game stat tracking! Now we’re talking. It smells like 1993 in here. I suppose this is all some bizarre reaction to that screening of Moneyball, huh?

Jeremiah’s attention returns to the TV screen.

Jeremiah: Yep.

Jeff: It really did a number on you, huh? That handsome Brad Pitt got under your skin?

Jeremiah’s gaze remains fixed on the TV, like a zombie.

Jeremiah: I guess.

Jeff: Um, we’re kind of doing the review thing here, where the Intern writes everything down, you know, for the website.

Or some sort of vegetable.

Jeremiah: Yeah yeah yeah.

Jeff: So maybe you could put down the video game controller, and talk about the movie some?

Here he comes…

Jeremiah: Oh yeah. Yeah, ok. I mean, Moneyball is good. It’s definitely effective as an underdog sports movie. Brad Pitt’s really good as Billy Beane. But it hits all those familiar sports movie beats. It’s The Social Network meets Major League.

Jeff: Sounds like the greatest movie ever!

Jeremiah: Those comparisons set the bar a little high, but that’s the vibe. Moneyball has intriguing drama and sharp comedy, but in the end it’s all too happy to be about one man battling the system and revolutionizing baseball, blah blah blah.

Jeff: So, it’s manipulative and sappy?

Jeremiah: Yeah, kind of. And it’s good at those things, but it’s familiar and never exciting in the way that elite movies are.

Jeff: Did you only compare it to The Social Network because Aaron Sorkin was involved in both screenplays?

Jeremiah: No, the similarities are numerous. They are both based on events from the past decade (not to mention stories many would scoff at the idea of making a dramatic movie about because they are too niche or boring). They cast their hero as a young upstart who challenges traditional thinking and brings about a paradigm shift of sorts within their respective industries.

Jeff: So Billy Beane is Mark Zuckerberg…

Jeremiah: Except that David Fincher never shied away from making Zuckerberg an unappealing character. In Moneyball, director Bennett Miller and Brad Pitt make Beane a complex and hard-to-read character, but they never leave any doubt that he is a good, stand-up guy. That’s fine, I wasn’t expecting an assassination, but it’s a little much when a handful of scenes with his young daughter seem to do nothing except solidify his gentle and virtuous nature.

Jeff: Miller is kind of a weird choice for this. Most people will only know him as the guy who directed Capote back in 2005.

Jeremiah: In Moneyball he displays a sure handedness with the comedic and dramatic elements that studio hacks 20 years older than him would be lucky to have. He doesn’t bring a whole lot of style to the proceedings, but he steers the ship just fine. It actually turned out to be a safe bet on Paramount’s part. Unlike Steven Soderbergh’s rejected part documentary/part drama concept, which sounds like it had a very high probability of trainwreck.

Jeff: How are Jonah Hill and Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Jeremiah: They’re both good. Hoffman has a small role and plays an icy character. It’s a restrained performance for him. He doesn’t even get that one big shouting scene that he should have in every movie.

Jeff: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT UP!

Jeremiah: Exactly.

Jeff: And what about Chris Pratt from Parks & Rec?

Jeremiah: It’s so weird seeing him in something dramatic! He’s good. It’s got nothing to do with his performance, but it’s just hard for me to take Andy Dwyer serious.

Jeff: OK, so Moneyball is good enough to make you pick up a baseball video game from 8 years ago, but not great. Who would you recommend it to?

Jeremiah: Well, I imagine it will be a real crowd pleaser. Casual moviegoers will love the broad strokes of the effective (somewhat) triumphant story. And some of the tough questions posed (like if fielding a competitive team with way less money really means anything if you don’t win it all, and if the Moneyball strategies ended up just another thing poached by wealthier organizations the same way they poach the best players) will draw in fans of baseball and the book, or people just looking for a little more depth in their drama, even if those questions are explored in a somewhat cursory manner. Moneyball is worth the price of admission, but it’s not likely to appear on ESPN Classic anytime soon (metaphorically speaking of course – Moneyball the movie will definitely air on ESPN Classic at some point).

Jeff: OK, works for me. You gonna go back to Moneyballing the computer there?

Jeremiah: Eh, I’m feeling a little burnt out.

Jeff: Wanna play a 7 game series in NHL 2002?

Jeremiah: Absolutely! Intern, put on some coffee!