Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

Trending: CEO Murder

Defending the American Dream by firing a machine gun like a complete bitch.

Today marks the arrival of 2013’s hottest filmmaking trend: stories that involve radical extremists murdering corporate CEOs, or as I like to call them – feel-good movies. There’s only two of them so far, but that’s about infinity% more movies than there have been in the last 10 years about killing CEOs. And I don't think things are going to end too well for Michael Keaton in next year's Robocop remake either. Caught up in the anger of the financial crisis, and the activism of the Occupy Movement, we forgot to indulge our noble and bloodthirsty fantasies of exec-icide in the place where dreams truly do come true – the cinema. But now things are starting to snowball!

First up is The Marine 3: Homefront, hitting DVD and on-demand services today. It's the latest installment in the revolving door action showcase for professional wrestlers. That’s right, while engaged in a public spat with right-wing nutjob Glenn Beck, the WWE and the 2-time, 2-time Senate loser Linda McMahon (R) are releasing a movie about dismantling the “engine of greed” that drove this country right off a cliff, then pulled the ripcord on a parachute that for some reason is only connected to the engine itself.

It’s a movie so good, they’re only giving away 48 seconds of it. You’ll have to pay for the rest.

Ok, so “technically” the guy who wants to kill all the CEOs is the “bad guy”. But he’s played by Neal McDonough. And did you catch who the “good guy” was? It’s Mike “the Miz” Mizanin from Real World. The doofus who used to brag, in the presence of television cameras, about getting “freak panty droppers” to come over to the house. Joe Six-pack doesn't want to watch this goof fall ass-backwards into even more good fortune. The good guy and bad guy are going to switch places, like when John Cena and CM Punk fight in Chicago.

Unless my interpretation is wrong (and since I’m basing it on a 48 second trailer I don’t see how it could be) The Marine 3 is actually a rather clever Communist meta-narrative in which a vapid lottery winner and make-believe gladiator like The Miz, created by the crass and toxic American institution that is reality television, is the defender of the outdated and fundamentally flawed capitalist paradigm, while a workhorse who has toiled away in relative anonymity for years like McDonough is the catalyst for sweeping change lifting up the unwashed masses, and dragging down the unstained white collars until all mankind is on equal footing. Really inspirational stuff.

Next up is The East. I’ll let the trailer speak for itself.

Yes! Hit the music, DP!

This is like, the Citizen Kane of movies about murdering rich people. These people spent months picking food out of the trash and sleeping on rooftops just so they could write a thriller about poisoning pharmaceutical executives. That’s my kind of filmmaking.

Brit Marling was terrific in Another Earth, but as star and co-writer of The East, she’s about to inspire a whole new level of devotion from me. Follow me this way, Ms. Marling, over the bloated, rotting corpse of another corporate parasite to collect your lifetime pass. And Ellen Page, still riding high on the crime-fighting adrenaline kick of Super steps up to tackle a new kind of injustice. Forget about returning to the X-Men franchise; you’re already a superhero in my book.

Speaking of superheroes, I remember when I went to see The Avengers on opening weekend. The theater was filled with kids and adult nerds. They were cheering and laughing and causing me to miss important little bits of dialogue. It was obnoxious.

That’s going to be me on opening night of The East. I might bring noisemakers and champagne. It’s gonna be a party. Our time is finally here!

The fact is these gluttonous fat cats have had it good for too long. It’s time someone kicked in their mansion door and sprayed their brains all over their precious Picassos or whatever the fuck (in a movie). Sure, maybe engaging in impotent, rage-fueled fantasies of economic revolution by way of kill list is just the sort of short-sighted and fruitless behavior that allows the 1% to keep on shitting in our mouths and telling us it’s a pizza party for Greg’s birthday, but if the choice is between a world in which Neal McDonough, Ellen Page and Brit Marling kill CEOs, and one in which they don’t, I’m taking the former every single time.

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