Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

Save Us Giant Robots, You’re Our Only Hope

More like Pacific Rimjob, am I right? Huh? No? Oh, ok. Nevermind.

This morning, the world finally got a good look at Guillermo Del Toro’s long-in-gestation alien spawn Pacific Rim (aka Robots vs. Aliens). No more blueprints of mech suits, no more Cloverfield-esque teasers of a monster attack. This is a real deal trailer that shows off plenty of epic action sequences. The film’s target audience (people who only need to hear giant robots vs. giant monsters to line up for tickets) is surely salivating.

In a word: Smashy!

I hope Legendary Pictures has a legendary legal team, because if James Cameron's current Na'vi-centric legal troubles are any indication, Pac Rim is going to be fending off scores of lawsuits from 8-year olds who claim they came up with the idea first. Plagiarism aside, Del Toro’s nerd-bait is sure to alarm those who think that Hollywood is too reliant on adaptations and remakes. Pacific Rim liberally draws from sources as disparate as Godzilla, Nickelodeon’s Robot & Monster and the 90s video game classic King of the Monsters (1 and 2).

No idea's original.

Anyway, when the lizards from Dimension X crawl onto our shores, humanity’s only hope will be Jax Teller, Stringer Bell, Bang Bang from The Brothers Bloom, and Green Man? And they don't even have laser cannons? Yeesh, we’re in trouble.

In the kind of exercise that Del Toro surely had in mind when he conceived of such a project, here are the 6 Giant Robots I Would Most Like Defending Humanity From Giant Monsters.

6) Megazord

Megazord’s got a proven record. He’s bested many monsters in one-on-one combat. And his energy wave sword slash is so destructive it’s basically a guaranteed one-hit kill. He’s low on this list for two reasons. One: I’m not sure how he would deal with any attack other than a shower of sparks. Even those seem to give him trouble. Two: Questionable strategy. What sense does it make not to start every battle with the guaranteed one-hit kill attack?

5) Iron Giant

New plan: kill them with kindness. Also, unlike pretty much any robot ever, this one actually digs humans. So you know he’ll selflessly spill his circuitry for us.

4) Megatron

Guns don’t kill people… but I bet giant sentient guns kill giant inter-dimensional aliens.

3) Metal Gear REX

Against smaller opponents, REX has a glaring design flaw. You can just camp between his feet and pick your spots, doing minimal damage and whittling down his health. Well, giant monsters don't have that option, so we're golden. And if all else fails, nuke the world. Now no one wins.

2) Sentinels

Cyber Gestapo to the rescue! The Sentinels have been protecting us from those mutie freaks for years, and their bigoted fascism may be just what it takes when the bugs come. The Sentinels will have them lined up for registration in no time.

1) Rabbot

Rabbot over everything. Sorry, had to finish this list in a hurry. I just found out Exosquad is on Hulu. See ya later.

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