Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

Election 2012: Write-in Endorsements

Today, Florida, Virginia and Ohio will decide if America gets 4 more years of death panels and Al Green covers or... well no one really knows what a Romney presidency will be like. It all depends on which Mitt shows up, campaign or pre-campaign. It will either be a neo-con nightmare or exactly the same as Obama only whiter and more Mormon-y. Those are the only two possible outcomes.

But those aren’t the only ways you can cast your ballot. It’s the right of every white American over 18 years old who is registered and is not a convicted felon to vote in the presidential election. In honor of that proud tradition of making your voice heard in the absolute laziest way possible, here are some write-in candidates I endorse.

Jay Billington Bulworth

Experience: Veteran U.S. Senator from California

Most Notable Achievement: Pissing the insurance companies off so much that they shot him

Strengths: Rapping

Weaknesses: Rapping

Why You Should Vote For Him: Nearly 15 years ago, he was pushing a single payer health care system that would trounce the insurance company approved Obamacare. And while we’re on the topic of Obama, Bulworth was hanging with the hip hop crowd long before BO was bragging about all the Jay-Z on his iPod. And when was the last time you saw Obama getting tipsy and blowing trees in the club? He’s not about that life. Bulworth is.

Snowball

Experience: Ran an awesome farm/hippy commune

Most Notable Achievement: Led a successful revolution against two-legged oppressors

Strengths: Leadership, Intelligence, Curly tail

Weaknesses: Kind of messy

Why You Should Vote For Him: Concerned about climate change? Snowball was trying to build windmills back in ‘45! We would have been off that petroleum teat. Also, can you imagine him sitting behind that desk in the Oval Office? Too cute!

Mike Haggar

Experience: Mayor of Metro City, former professional wrestler, small business owner (boat repair shop and training gym)

Most Notable Achievement: That time he personally rescued his daughter Jessica Haggar from the dangerous Mad Gear gang

Strengths: Hand-to-hand fighting, Tenacity, Steel pipe-to-hand fighting, Katana-to-hand fighting, Fashion sense

Weaknesses: Negotiating, Bending at the waist, The Andore family

Why You Should Vote For Him: Modern presidents are all about farming out their more unpleasant responsibilities; to their cabinet, to soldiers, to unmanned assault aircraft. But not Mike Haggar. He does dirt all by his lonely, personally beating up hundreds of thugs until they flicker a few times and then cease to exist. And it's not just street thugs, he will bust into the posh office of those in charge of the country's largest criminal organizations and throw them out a window. Watch your back, Jamie Dimon!

 

Mitchell Hundred

Experience: Mayor of New York City, former amateur superhero

Most Notable Achievement: As The Great Machine, he prevented United Flight 175 from crashing into the south tower of the World Trade Center on 9/11

Strengths: Can communicate and control machines with the sound of his voice, Is not beholden to any political party’s ideology

Weaknesses: Is actually one of the heralds of an inter-dimensional force attempting to invade and conquer our reality

Why You Should Vote For Him: Mitchell Hundred is a real deal independent, not a Republican stooge Independent like someone whose name rhymes with Bo Schlieberman. I won't always agree with his decisions, but I'll find comfort in knowing his actions are based on his beliefs, not just what will minimize his vulnerability come next election. Also, he's totally just going to tell the voting machines he won anyway, so you might want to get on his good side. He's kind of a prick. He is a politician, after all.

 

Pinky

Experience: POTUS

Most Notable Achievement: Becoming president despite being a genetically modified mouse

Strengths: Sidekicking, Survival instincts, Humor

Weaknesses: He’s not exactly smart

Why You Should Vote For Him: Dude's funny. And haven't we gotten to a point where all we can hope for from this broken political system and fully functioning 24-hour circus is a little entertainment?

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