Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

MacGruber 2 – Now Accepting Donations!

This time, they'll hit the bullseye.

In May 2010, comedian extraordinaire Will Forte unleashed MacGruber on an unsuspecting public to relatively mild disapproval from critics and apathy from moviegoers. On its third weekend, when theaters first have the option to drop a movie, MacGruber lost 94% of its screens, shrinking from 2,546 to 177 (4th worst of all time!). When all the box office receipts were counted, MacGruber failed to recoup its measly $10 million budget. In short, it was another cinematic flop based on a Saturday Night Live sketch, doomed to be remembered as unkindly as Molly Shannon’s Superstar and Tim Meadows’ The Ladies Man, by those who remember it at all.

Before Forte and director Jorma Taccone even finished field dressing their flesh wounds, however, public perception started to change. In the very first days of 2011, Culture Blues editors Jeff Hart and Jeremiah White named it one of the 20 best movies of 2010 (tastemakers, yo). Then in July 2011, Joe Berkowitz of the comedy blog Splitsider argued that MacGruber was “destined for a cult following it shockingly doesn’t seem to have yet.” And finally, in October 2011, Nathan Rabin of The AV Club gratefully accepted his late pass at the door and declared MacGruber a Secret Success in a special Will Forte edition of My Year of Flops (despite grading it a C+ in his original review).

And that’s how, exactly 2 years after MacGruber disappeared from theaters, every entertainment site on the internet is currently reporting on a half-seriously rumored sequel. A few weeks ago, Taccone revealed that he and comedian extraordinaire Forte were working on a Die Hard-inspired sequel to the sudden cult favorite. Then Will Forte dashed those hopes by laughing off the prospect, before the next day pulling a flip flop that would make his graceless politician character Tim Calhoun proud by saying that of course they are going to write MacGruber 2, they just don’t think anyone in their right mind will give them money for it.

In the immortal words of The Piano Man, you may be right, Will. Andy Samberg has already committed $1,000. And I’m sure MacGruber straight man Ryan Phillippe will pony up some of his Antitrust money. After all, MacGruber’s the only good thing he’s done in 5 or 13 years. Maybe you could even hit up all the bloggers who have registered millions and millions of hits and tens and tens of cents over the last couple of weeks based on extensive coverage of offhand comments about a remake. Those people owe you. But $10 million? No one in their right mind would give you that much money.

Luckily, the growing legion of MacGruber fans aren’t in their right minds, and the Johnny-Come-Latelies who are now embracing your underappreciated masterpiece owe you more than anyone. We’re sorry we let you down at the box office. We’re ready to pick you up. Get this thing up on Kickstarter and watch the money roll in.

To expedite the process, I’ve gone ahead and put together a reward structure for you.

Pledge $5 or more: A special “Thank You” in the credits (of the direct-to-DVD release)!

Pledge $10 or more: A MacGruber 2 poster autographed by someone in the cast or crew!

Pledge $20 or more: A ticket to see the movie when it comes out!

Pledge $25 or more: A ticket to see the movie when it comes out plus a replica torn ticket stub for the original MacGruber so you can pretend you were down from the beginning! Go ahead, brag. We won’t tell anyone.

Pledge $50 or more: An Incredi-Mop!

Pledge $100 or more: A CD of MacGruber’s best saxophone solos of all time! Guaranteed to get you in an amorous mood!

Pledge $250 or more: A 6 inch statuette of MacGruber making sweet pounding love to the ghost of his dead wife on her tombstone!

Pledge $1,000 or more: You write a line of dialogue for the movie. We will record it and put it in the movie (disclaimer: it will almost certainly be ADR)!

Pledge $5,000 or more – Limited Reward (5 of 5 Remaining): Will Forte will appear at a private gathering of your choosing and deliver his famous speech from MacGruber!

Pledge $10,000,000 or more - Limited Reward (1 of 1 Remaining): Will Forte will come to your house and you can watch him fuck something. Just point out anything in the room and he’ll fuck it for you. Just tell him what you want him to fuck!

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