Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale – The Final Hours!

If you need to catch up, read DAY 1 then DAY 2 finally DAY 3. If you have no idea what's going on, CLICK HERE.

Here. We. Go.

As the competition thins, many teens head for fateful encounters...

Hanna vs. Zack Morris

It was hours before Hanna picked up Zack's trail again. Those stoners had proved to be a significant setback despite their bickering ineptitude. Now he was in her sights again, with one bullet left, and this time... oh crap, who's this girl with the burnt face? Zack sure seemed to recognize her.

RESULT: Zack and Kathryn are reunited, a match made in hell

Billy Tepper vs. Gogo Yubari & Doogie Howser

Billy Tepper felt disillusioned after the disintegration of his unit. If his classmates from Regis prep were here, they'd have all banded together and risen up against their captors. But this wasn't that kind of competition. These weren't those kinds of kids. Tepper was skulking off to a cave indicated on his map when he came across the baby-faced doctor. They could have used someone of his intelligence to keep things cool back at camp. To keep him and Jed out of that circle of death. Doogie actually vocalized something similar toward Tepper. Claiming that he could tell Tepper must be resourceful, to have survived so long without getting any blood on himself. Doogie’s genial smile turned into a sinister sneer as he indicated the blood all over his white coat. Horrified, Tepper backpedaled until he bumped into someone. He turned to see Gogo, literally covered in blood. Tepper’s shock only lasted a moment before Doogie sidled up next to him and jammed a syringe into his ear.

RESULT: Doogie kills Tepper via unsanctioned brain surgery. 9 remain

Ree Dolly vs. Hit Girl

In a strange way, the masked little sociopath reminded Ree of Ashlee. Where was her little sister right now? Plucking a banjo with an empty belly, probably. It was thinking of Ashlee and little Sonny that kept Ree going, even as Hit Girl pummeled her with sharp punches and kicks that she had no defense for. That little girl was sassing up a blue streak too – almost as if she took pleasure in the killing. Ree just crawled away, grunting as Hit Girl occasionally kicked her in the ribs. Finally, she tumbled down a small hill and found herself nearly back where the competition started, lying next to the dead body of some long dead colored kid. As Hit Girl slowly picked her way down the hill, it occurred to Ree that the gun the dead kid was clutching might just be a match for the ammo she’d found.

RESULT:  Roland Bishop’s Tek-9 is at last united with its ammo

Zack Morris vs. Kathryn Merteuil

Zack Morris prided himself on being able to talk his way out of, or into, just about anything. But right now he was speechless. He stared at the grotesque scorched face, like something out of a horror movie. She was a monster. She had turned Slater into a killer, and then removed his collar, along with his head. She’d fired the bullet that detonated his best bud Screech. She'd emptied a clip into his lifelong friend Jessie's gut. In some way, she was responsible for the death of every single one of his friends. Zack closed his eyes, screamed, and then charged.

Hanna watched from a distance as the two struggled. Zack fought like an inexperienced madman, and Kathryn fought like someone who would do anything to win. He swung wildly, she punched his privates. He tried to tackle her, she pulled his lustrous locks and dragged her nails across his face, turning that charming smile into a bloody patchwork of skin. Dazed from the pain and blood loss, lying on the ground, Zack was powerless to stop Kathryn from mounting him and wrapping her hands around his throat. As Zack drifted toward the warm light, he thought about that time he and Jessie snuck out to see E.T. Refusing to let her get away with it all, Zack slipped his Buddy Band around Kathryn's neck and rolled on top of her. "Zack attack, bitch!" he grunted as he squeezed the headband tight around her neck.

RESULT: Zack vanquishes the wicked witch. 8 remain

Daniel Larusso vs. Jed Eckert

Adjacent to the circle of death, Larusso delivered a crane kick that sent Jed to the ground, and his knife right back into the pit. It enraged Jed, making him reckless. Larusso dodged the wild haymakers and landed tactical strikes of his own. As the two brave young American warriors battled, Larusso was wearing Jed down. But Jed Eckert was a soldier who had trained himself to stay alert under the most difficult circumstances. With renewed focus, he was able to overpower Larusso and put him in a chokehold. Sensing defeat, Larusso heard the beating of a million little drums in the distance. Encouraged, he broke the hold, and battered a deflated Jed with a series of double-handed strikes. With Jed on the ground, Larusso pulled back his fist and lifted the young freedom fighter’s head off the ground. “Live or die, man?”

RESULT: Wolverines don’t ask for mercy. 7 remain

Ree Dolly vs. Hit Girl, cont’d

Ree’d never fired a weapon like the Tek-9 before, but her experience hunting squirrels with a rifle pretty much translated. Hit Girl was shocked to see the hillbilly chick suddenly produce a weapon and didn’t have time to take cover, the automatic fire sweeping across her. It was just like the bulletproof vest tests she’d run with Daddy, except it hurt way more. She could barely breathe, her skin underneath the vest suddenly sticky with blood. That greaser kid, he’d stabbed her, the integrity of the vest was compromised. She’d been shot in the arm and the gut, but Hit Girl wasn’t dead yet – something Ree Dolly didn’t realize as she started to limp away. Hit Girl whistled – blood spraying out of her mouth as she did – and when Ree turned, the last thing she saw was a switchblade flying right into her throat.

RESULT:  Ree’s luck runs out. 6 remain

Zack Morris vs. Hanna

Zack was still recovering from the fight with Kathryn when Hanna emerged from her hiding spot. He flashed her a knowing smile behind his mask of dried blood, as if he'd been aware of her presence all along. Hanna raised her gun. She took no pleasure in this, but Zack Morris had to be put down. Zack feebly started to raise his hands. Fearing some pathetic final plea, Hanna pulled the trigger and sent her last bullet speeding toward Zack's forehead, just as his hands met to form a T.

The bullet hung in the air, inches from Zack's face. He could hardly believe it had worked. Zack considered moving, maybe even turning the bullet around so it would fire back at the weird little pale-faced girl, but what would be the point? If he made it back to Bayside, who would he cut class with? Tori? Fuck that. Kneeling on an island overrun with death in the middle of a contest that had claimed all of his friends, Zack sang a heartbreaking and haunting version of Bayside’s school song. And then meekly called "time in." As she looked at her fallen foe, a tear rolled down Hanna's face and she had no idea why.

RESULT: Zack goes back to his friends... forever. 5 remain

The current kills leader

A loud alarm draws the final 5 combatants to a clearing in the center of the island to crown a grand champion...

Gogo Yubari & Doogie Howser vs. Hanna

The last time she'd faced Gogo, Hanna was armed and she still couldn't get the job done. She was feeling a bit insecure. Gogo’s boy toy doctor just stood to the side as she taunted Hanna by idly swinging her ball and chain. When she finally launched it, Hanna ducked and quickly wrapped the chain around her arm. Gogo refused to relinquish her weapon and Hanna started to reel her in. Soon the two were close enough to trade brutal kicks in a test of endurance.

RESULT: A rivalry renewed

Doogie Howser vs. Daniel Larusso

Doogie was more than content simply watching Gogo and Hanna battle it out. He didn’t need to get in the middle of this one. It was a good thing he’d kept his scalpel in hand though. He was ready for Daniel Larusso when he appeared. The young karate practitioner didn’t look like much. Doogie let him get close and then lashed out, aiming for his jugular. Larusso dodged the amateurish strike and grabbed Doogie’s wrist, twisting it, trying to force him to drop the blade. Doogie held on, showing a mental toughness Larusso hadn’t expected.

RESULT: How long can Doogie hold out?

Hit Girl vs. Everyone

Hit Girl staggered into the clearing to see two badass looking chicks tangled up in some medieval chain bullshit and that doctor dork kid close to tears courtesy of a soon-to-be-broken wrist. Whatever. All these cunts had to go. Her aim was shaky – she’d lost a lot of blood on the walk here. The Tek-9 almost jumped out of her grasp when she fired, spraying everyone in the clearing. Hanna and Gogo managed, in tandem, to roll aside. Doogie was already pretty low to the ground. But as for Larusso, well, there was no way even Miyagi’s healing hands would heal a blown-open skull.

RESULTDaniel Larusso, not the best around. 4 remain

Hanna & Gogo Yubari vs. Hit Girl

With her automatic weapon, Hit Girl immediately became the biggest threat on the field. For a moment, Hanna and Gogo were able to put their differences aside. Each still holding one end of Gogo’s chain, the pair rolled toward Hit Girl, narrowly evading gunfire, and tripped Hit Girl with the chain. As the weakened Hit Girl fell, the weapon went flying from her grasp. Before she could recover, Hanna was on her, finishing the vigilante’s crusade with an encyclopedia blow to the throat.

RESULTHit Girl killed by Hanna, but… 3 remain


THE FINAL THREE:  Hanna vs. Gogo Yubari vs. Doogie Howser

Hanna looked down at herself. A spot of blood slowly widened across her chest. She hadn’t dodged Hit Girl’s shooting after all. “Just missed the heart,” she whispered, as she collapsed.

Gogo glanced at Hanna, saw the wound, and assumed she was dead. So that was it. Only one left. The assassin rounded on Doogie who, surprisingly, didn’t look scared. Gogo was used to people looking scared. Something wasn’t right. And wait – why was her left arm numb? Gogo was suddenly dizzy, a coppery taste flooding her mouth. As she dropped to the ground – dead – Doogie looked at his watch.

“I nicked a coronary artery when I patched her up,” explained Doogie. “On purpose, of course. I’m actually a really great doctor. Anyway, I’m surprised she lasted this long.” Hanna would have to remember to look up coronary artery in her encyclopedia later. She inched across the ground, reaching toward Hit Girl’s gun with her last bit of strength.

And then Doogie was standing over her, holding Gogo’s mace in his hands.

“Huh,” he said, “this is heavier than it looks.”

As he dropped the spiked ball onto Hanna’s face, Doogie started to compose his next journal entry. Sun Tzu said that all warfare is based on deception…

RESULT:  Gogo killed by slowly bleeding to death, Hanna by facial deconstructive surgery. Your sole survivor is Doogie Howser, MD.

* * *

It's all over! How did the final Leaderboard shake out?

LEADERBOARD: (winner, runner-up)

J – 40 (Doogie Howser, Gogo Yubari). YOUR WINNER.

Ben – 30 (Gogo Yubari, Jed Eckert). Amongst the 35% that had Gogo scoring the most kills.

Will S. – 28 (Jed Eckert, Roland Bishop, Gogo Yubari). Jed’s hand-to-hand not strong enough.

Dawg – 24 (Zack Morris, Doogie Howser). Floated some bonus points for picking Doogie to go far.

Patrick G – 23 (Gogo Yubari, Ferris Bueller). So close.

Thanks to everyone that read and participated in this nerdy experiment! Please enjoy the following.

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1 Responses »

  1. Hilarious! Nice one guys.