Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale Day Three!

If you need to catch up, here's DAY 1 and DAY 2. If you have no idea what's going on, CLICK HERE.

It's about to get hairy.

It's morning on Battle Royale island, and a number of teens are already on the hunt...

Zack Morris vs. Hanna

Zack’s promises of guaranteed A’s for the rest of high school fell on dead ears. Hanna unleashed a flurry of kicks, bringing the blonde preppy to his knees. She kept the gun tucked into her pants, not wanting to risk drawing more competitors. ”I was home schooled,” Hanna growled through clenched teeth as she prepared to snap his neck. Suddenly, the sky was filled with fire. With his assailant momentarily distracted, Zack flipped Hanna over his head and ran. She saw him mock salute her right before he disappeared into the jungle. Then she turned and found herself facing two burnouts brandishing a flamethrower.

RESULT:  Zack escapes

Hanna vs. Daniel Dasario & Kim Kelly

"Light that little psycho up!" Kim screamed. Desario tried to pacify her with a lackadaisical "Chill, babe." He shuffled forward, sending short bursts of flame at the young assassin, which she carefully dodged. “God! Can’t you do anything right?” Kim asked rhetorically as she grabbed for the weapon. “Let me do it!” With the stoners fighting over the flamethrower, Hanna deftly produced her handgun and put a bullet in each of their heads.

RESULT:  The Freaks argue right up until their dying moments. 20 remain

Veronica Sawyer vs. Gogo Yubari & Doogie Howser vs. Moses

Veronica's vision was blurry around the edges and her hands were tingling. It felt as if she'd been running for hours. But she could still here that diminutive psycho and boy doctor behind her. They were getting closer. If she could just get away, she thought. And then the ground came up to meet her. She'd tripped over something. As she propped herself up, she realized it was actually someone. A thug was tied to a tree and gagged with a bandana. He looked weak. His eyes fluttered open just in time to see Veronica backing away. Then his head exploded as Gogo's spiked ball planted itself in the tree he was resting against.

RESULT: Gogo finally finishes off Moses. 19 remain

Veronica Sawyer vs. Doogie Howser

"She's crazy," the young doctor whispered to Veronica as he started digging through his medical bag. "We have to get rid of her, but first let me take a look at that gash." Gogo was standing over Moses' body cleaning her weaponry just a few yards away. They were both chasing her, but Veronica reasoned that maybe she'd been forcing Doogie to provide her medical aid. After all, he was no match for the sadistic little ninja. As she stared at Gogo, the glint of metal flashed in the corner of her eye a moment before Doogie's scalpel slid across her throat. As she felt the blood flow out of her, Veronica watched Doogie close his medical bag, calmly stand up and walk toward Gogo. "Let's move out."

RESULT:  Doogie kills Veronica via medical malpractice. 18 remain

Donnie Darko vs. Hit Girl

Darko wasn’t difficult to track down. The kid was leaving a trail of blood from where he’d busted his stitches and, oh yeah, he was mumbling to himself about quantum physics and some kind of doomsday countdown clock. Whatever. Hit Girl sprung on Darko from above, landing on his shoulders. Donnie swung his axe over his head but Hit Girl flung herself backward while still grasping Darko’s neck with her legs, the axe deflecting harmlessly off a tree. “This isn’t some pussy Sparkle Motion bullshit,” snarled Hit Girl as she choked the life out of Donnie, exactly the way Frank said it would happen.

RESULTHit Girl fulfills Darko’s destiny. 17 remain

Who will lead?

The fighting subsides, and afternoon brings strategizing... 

Kathryn Merteuil & Nick Twisp vs. Cher Horowitz & Lloyd Dobler

Kathryn and Twisp found Lloyd Dobler and Cher Horowitz relaxing by a lakeside campfire, as if they were trying to forget that they were on an island with a bunch of teenagers who wanted to kill them. Lloyd didn't trust the girl with the horribly burned face, but once Cher caught a glimpse of Kathryn's make-up kit, she totally insisted they sit a while. Cher fixed herself up while Lloyd and Twisp had a philosophical discussion and Kathryn fiddled with Lloyd's boombox, cursing the lack of Bittersweet Symphony. Lloyd was explaining to Twisp how this competition had turned him into a new man: Ice Man, Power Lloyd, when the boombox connected with his head and shattered into a million little electronic bits in Kathryn's hands. Cher rose to her feet just as Kathryn tackled her into the water, forcing her head under. Lloyd looked up from the ground, and felt like Twisp had also become a new person. "Does he have a mustache?" Lloyd wondered as Twisp's alter ego Francois Dillinger lifted a massive rock above his head and casually dropped it.

RESULT: Kathryn drowns Cher and Dillinger caves in Lloyd Dobler's skull

Jed Eckert vs. Billy Tepper’s Army

Maybe the hick from Colorado had a point, thought Daniel Larusso. If they were going to unify against the other crazies on the island, shouldn’t the guy in charge be someone with combat experience rather than some private school brat with a bad attitude? Jed Eckert had shown up and started telling everyone about the success of The Wolverines. Tepper didn’t take to kindly to Jed challenging his leadership. And that’s how the two came to be squaring off in the middle of a hastily dug pit, with Larusso and the rest of Tepper’s ordinary teens lining the edge.

RESULTCircle of death!

Dylan McKay vs. Daniel LaRusso vs. Olive Penderghast vs. Joey Potter vs. Cady Heron

While Tepper and Eckert circled in the pit, Dylan Mckay was busy throwing his best game at Olive Penderghast. Weird – telling a babe you had a motorcycle and daddy issues used to work so much better. “Aren’t you a little old for this competition?” asked Olive, eyeing Dylan’s suspect hairline. That was such a bitchy Brenda Walsh thing to say. You know what? This whole alliance thing was a bad idea. These dweebs just wanted him around so they’d look better by comparison. Dylan had enough of that treatment back in Beverly Hills. He damn sure wasn’t going back to rehab. Dylan tightened his grip on his machete.

As Jed worked Billy into a chokehold in the pit, Dylan swung his machete at Olive. Having seen it coming ever since the old dude started hitting on her, Olive ducked, and the blade plunged right through the throat of Joey Potter. As a startled Dylan pulled his blade out of Potter, Olive sprayed him in the eyes with pepper spray and Larusso kicked the machete out of his hands. Unfortunately, the machete landed right between Olive’s eyes.

Dylan, blinded, stumbled backward into the pit – dragging a startled Cady Heron with him. As the two fell, a stray root snagged the strap of Cady’s binoculars, pulling them taut around her neck, strangling her. Observing the carnage around him, Larusso could only think what a cruel, cruel summer it was, leaving him here on his own.

RESULTTepper’s army implodes; Potter, Penderghast, and Heron are dead.

Anybody want a ride?

As night falls, the field thins...

Kathryn Merteuil vs. Nick Twisp

After Kathryn manually brought him to climax, Nick Twisp drifted off into a slumber so deep and consuming that he thought Kathryn covering his mouth and plugging his nose was all just part of some kinky wet dream.

RESULT:  Kathryn kills Twisp via the post HJ sleepies. 11 remain

Dylan McKay vs. Billy Tepper vs. Jed Eckert vs. Daniel LaRusso

The alliance was over as quickly as it’d begun. There was no squad here worth fighting for; these kids didn’t have what it takes to be Wolverines. Jed shoved aside Billy’s body, releasing the chokehold just before Tepper’s lights went out permanently. He stood over Dylan McKay and unsheathed his hunting knife – he hadn’t even needed it against Tepper. As he plunged the blade deep into Dylan’s alcohol-soaked bad boy heart, Jed heard scrambling sounds behind him. Tepper was retreating. That was the commie way.

Jed gave chase, but as he climbed out of the pit Tepper was nowhere to be seen. Instead, Jed was confronted by the grim-faced kid in the karate outfit, standing menacingly on one leg with his arms extended. The end had indeed begun…

RESULTJed finishes off Dylan. 10 remain


This was a big round for points! All the questions from the original survey have been answered, with the exception of which of our most badass teens will score the most kills. It looks like Gogo is running away with that one, but with 10 combatants remaining it’s not yet mathematically official.


Gogo - 6

Hanna - 2

Hit Girl - 2

Jed - 2

Roland Bishop - 0

We’ve added the votes for “most kills” to the Leaderboard so that our readers can see what they’re up against.

LEADERBOARD: (winner, runner-up, most kills)

Ben – 26 (Gogo Yubari, Jed Eckert, Gogo Yubari). Sneaks into first by being in the 18% that predicted Billy Tepper’s survival

Will S. – 23 (Jed Eckert, Roland Bishop, Gogo Yubari). Was in the 54% that knew Joey would die before the other girls next door.

Patrick G – 20 (Gogo Yubari, Ferris Bueller, Gogo Yubari). Will have problems passing the leader.

Dawg – 19 (Zack Morris, Doogie Howser, Hanna). Amongst the 35% that foresaw Daniel Larusso making it this far.

Matt K. – 18  (Zack Morris, Newt, Jed). Still has a chance if Zack can win while Jed scores a shitload of kills.

Losman – 18 (Hanna, AC Slater, Hanna). All hope rests on Hanna.

Giovanny – 17 (Jed Eckert, Zack Morris, Jed Eckert). Needs a Jed vs. Zack final, plus a lot of Jed kills.

J – 16 (Doogie Howser, Gogo Yubari, Gogo Yubari). At the forefront of the 67% of you that thought Doogie would kill.

Cassie – 15 (Ree Dolly, Brendan Frye, Hanna). Could steal victory with a miraculous Ree win.

Plus, even though they didn’t make the Leaderboard, literally everyone else in our Final 10 has some support for Tournament Champion. If one of the underdogs can pull it off, we could see a brand new name streaking up the Leaderboard to steal this at the last moment.

And, just to keep things interesting, we’ve got a few more BONUS QUESTIONS. Do you want to hedge your bet on the Champion now that the Final 10 are known? Here’s your chance.


Be Sociable, Share!

Tagged as: , , , , , , ,

2 Responses »

  1. Before this battle is put to rest, I have to ask, would a Ree Dolly victory really be a miracle, or at least any more miraculous than Gogo's survival following her violent encounter with Hannah on Day 2? Since Gogo barely survived at all, she surely must be getting weaker, especially after that major surgery and all those kills, right? Plus, has she eaten in awhile? She can't last forever. She's definitely a monster, but she's not a machine. We've all seen her vulnerability already. Once his clouded mind realizes what a psycho he's brought back to life, Doogie may even try to reverse her surgery. And, maybe a confrontation like this will finally bring them both to their bloody ends.

    But Gogo and Doogie are only 2 out of the 9 that Ree has to outlast, so let's talk about who else must be tired, hungry, delirious, or injured. Ummm everyone, except for Reelly. She's been laying low (avoiding the stress of awkward social moments), staying strong (the power of rest), nourishing herself with protein (unlike those other junk food eaters), reflecting on her motivation to live (she's got kids to raise), planning her survival strategy (she's a smart girl, a problem solver really), and maybe even finding weapons for surprise encounters--like a gun to fill with that ammo she now has (she's resourceful, she got her house didn't she?).

    None of us can be certain what messes anyone will find themselves in as the final island inhabitants fade away, but whatever they are, the Ree Doll is prepared to last! Honestly, I don't see her killing anyone until it comes down to self-defense, but I also don't see anyone trying to kill her until they really have to. I can also see her forming a bond with a younger inhabitant, incidentally with someone like Hit Girl. If what you mean by calling her an "underdog" is that she's sympathetic, then yes I agree, and who, in their heart of hearts, doesn't want that character to win?


  1. The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale – The Final Hours! | Culture Blues