Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale Pregame Show

We’re currently hard at work on the Day One results of our Teenage Battle Royale – if you haven’t filled out your predictions yet, you still have a little time to do so before the results are revealed. In the meantime, we thought you might enjoy some statistics from the surveys we have received.

Always Mr. Popularity.

The most popular choice for eventual champion is Zack Morris with 18% of the vote. Despite having strong support to win the Battle Royale, Zack isn’t the most popular answer on our “Which Bayside Tiger will survive the longest?” question. That honor goes to AC Slater whose 35% narrowly beat out Zack’s 25%.

As for which of the Bayside gang will die first, Lisa Turtle received 34% of your votes and her stalker Screech tallied 22%. That doesn’t bode well for Bayside’s sexiest couple.

A total of 18 different characters were picked as either Sole Survivor or Runner-Up. If we combine both categories, the following characters were the most popular to be the last two standing.

Zack Morris – 13%
Gogo Yubari – 13%
Jed Eckert -  9%
Roland Bishop – 9%
Hit Girl – 6%

With the exception of Zack, who people are apparently picking because of his leadership skills and blondeness, all those characters appeared in our “Who will get the most kills?” question. Gogo led voting there with 35%, seconded by Hanna who took 25% despite not receiving much support for Champion.

We appear to have a lot of Never Back Down fans in our readership, because Jake Tyler (44%) received the most votes to survive the longest of our hand-to-hand fighters, beating out Daniel “Karate Kid” Larusso (34%). Not sure what that says about our website.

Somewhat surprisingly, the most tightly voted question was whether or not Frances “Baby” Houseman would find a gun for her supply of ammo. 56% of you think she’ll die first, while 44% are strangely optimistic.

Even shirtless Billy Tepper got some love!

And now, some of our favorite write-in comments:

Nate, on why Donnie Darko will be the Sole Survivor:  “Donnie Darko is of the same psychological mold of the thinkers in this battle: Ferris, Kathryn, Brendan, Hayley. He will use his mind to gain an advantage. But one thing Donnie has an advantage over all of them: he has absolutely no fear of losing his life, and nothing holding him back. He and his axe will get through the day, even if he will follow it up in his bedroom with a plane crashing on top of him.”

Take heart, Nate. 45% of voters think Darko will outlive the other loners, and 5% have him making it to the Final Two.

Matt K., on why Zack Morris is the odds-on favorite:  “Zack Morris, and the reason is pretty obvious: he can stop time. That blonde motherfucker can goddamned stop time. Not only can he stop time, but dude has charisma. Whatever situation he can't instantly Flashman his way out of (MEGA MAN 2 REFERENCES I WIN HAHA!), he can probably charm his way out of. Also I'm pretty sure the rest of the Bayside Six would lay down and die for him. He was, after all, their leader. So yeah, has temporal distortion powers, the panache of a cult leader, and a small army of minions. Congrats guys, you've let a supervillain into your kid fight. Way to go.”

Matt K. also wrote in Newt from Aliens as his runner-up, so that’s amazing. Of course, some people kept their justifications short and sweet.

Tamara, on why Kathryn from Cruel Intentions will win: “She’s an evil bitch.”

Rudy, on why Hit Girl takes the championship:  “She’s hot.” (We’ve sent your e-mail address to the authorities, bud.)

Joshua, on his underdog Ree Dolly pick: “Who the fuck is Ree-nee Doll-weger?"

And we’d be remiss if we didn’t call attention to Junior’s justification of Toy SoldiersBilly Tepper as his runner-up, if only because it was the only support Tepper received:  “Billy's ability to motivate his peers could be considered a superpower. He elevated his boarding school mates from ragtag misfits to terrorist topplers. He's the Michael Jordan of the tournament, and will use his intellect and charisma to stay alive to the end--at least until he has his head bashed in by Hanna's big blood-soaked book of knowledge.”

We had a blast going through everyone’s answers! Check back later today for the first batch of results, point totals, and between round bonus questions.


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