Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale Day Two!

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Who will you sit with at the massacre?

As dawn breaks on the Battle Royale’s second day, our combatants’ stomachs have begun to growl. Coordinates for four different food drop locations are distributed, forcing our hungry teens to confront each other if they want to eat…

Food Drop #1:  Billy Tepper vs. Cady Heron

Cady had slipped away from Joey Potter and Olive Penderghast while the other girls were digging a shallow grave for Ferris Bueller and his karaoke machine. Using her binoculars, she scouted the food drop from a distance. Just then, Billy Tepper emerged from the bushes, his hands raised to show he meant her no harm. Regina would’ve called him a hobbit, thought Cady, smiling sadly for her butchered frenemy. Tepper spread out his map of the island on the ground between them and started talking. “They say there’s no escape from this island, but I’m sure there’s a sewage tunnel around here some place…”

RESULT:  Alliance formed, as usual Billy Tepper is talking escape…

Food Drop # 2: Baby Houseman vs. Gogo Yubari

Baby’s eyes weren’t the only thing hungry as she spotted the stacks of food resting next to a large ravine. Her tummy was also rumbling. A few clips of ammo with no gun weren’t going to do much good in a fight but maybe there was enough time to grab some before the others arrived. As she dug through the packs looking for some fruit or nuts, dance fuel as she called it, all she found was candy bars. Baby settled on a Baby Ruth (no jokes).

As she eagerly tore the wrapper away, she felt sharp metal tear through her midsection. Doubled over in pain, Baby barely caught sight of the blood soaked schoolgirl outfit before the metal ball crashed through the back of her head driving her face into the mud. As Gogo approached the food pile, delighted by all the sweets, she heard a pair of feet softly approach from behind. She turned to see Hanna Heller pointing a gun at her.

RESULT:  Gogo puts Baby in a corner permanently. 28 remain

Food Drop # 3:  Kathryn & AC vs. The Freaks vs. The Girls of Bayside

It all started peacefully enough with Daniel Desario and Kim Kelly arriving at the food drop first, making sure things stayed nonviolent by keeping their flamethrower trained on the others. Not that the three California chicks were going to make any moves. Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa were just happy someone had airdropped food in direct from The Max. It was a nice little moment, even if hanging out with the Freaks was the kind of thing Tartikoff would make them film a PSA about later. But then Slater and Kathryn arrived and the girls could tell by the haunted look in Slater’s eyes that something had gone horribly wrong. Major Slater never prepared his son for this kind of violence; the mean girl, the MMA jerk, poor Screech.... When he laid eyes on his love interests (and Lisa), something in AC’s mind broke, sending him into montage mode…

RESULTSlater begins to lose his grip…

Food Drop # 4:  Donnie Darko & Doogie Howser vs. Hayley Stark and Hit Girl

Arriving at the food drop first, a still weak Darko leaned on his ax while Doogie scrounged for immune system friendly items. "Find me some goddamn pizza!" an increasingly grumpy Darko instructed. As Hit Girl and Hayley observed from cover, Hayley misinterpreted the relationship between the brooding teenager and the young doctor as an abusive sexual one. Enraged, Hayley snatched the switchblade from Hit Girl and charged toward Darko. Startled by the sudden movement, Darko reflexively lifted the ax over his and brought it down with considerable force, depositing the blade right in the middle of Hayley’s skull. As Hayley’s body crumpled to the ground, Hit Girl screamed.

Result:  Donnie Darko gives Hayley a splitting headache. 27 remain

Food Drop # 4, cont’d:  Donnie Darko & Doogie Howser vs. Hit Girl vs. Zack Morris & Max Fischer

Hit Girl slowly emerged from the trees, stalking toward Hayley’s killer. The look of shock that had formed on Darko’s face as he drove the ax into Hayley’s head morphed into a look of confusion, and then anger.A storm is coming, Frank says. A storm that will swallow the children,” Darko recited, as if by some supernatural obligation. As Hit Girl crouched to lift the switchblade from Hayley’s feeble grasp, he continued, “And I will deliver them from the kingdom of pain. I will deliver the children back the their doorsteps. And send the monsters back to the underground.” Doogie looked on in fear, sensing a disturbing change in the man he had nursed back to health. “I'll send them back to a place where no one else can see them. Except for me. Because I am Donnie Darko.” Donnie and Hit Girl moved toward each other swiftly and with purpose. They were only a few feet apart when something whistled through the air, sending food flying. Fearful of gunfire, Hit Girl, Donnie and Doogie scattered, with the latter staying as far away from his former patient as he could. When the coast was clear, Max Fischer emerged from the treeline with his air rifle propped against his shoulder and a devious smirk on his face as Zack Morris patted him on the back.

Result:  Darko and Doogie are now solo

Food Drop # 2, cont’d: Gogo Yubari vs. Hanna Heller vs. Ree Dolly

Ree could have stayed away. It wouldn’t be the first meal she’d missed. And she still had some squirrel meat left. But the opportunity to gather some intelligence on her competitors was just too enticing. And maybe she’d grab something to eat if the vultures left anything. When she got to the drop, all she saw was Gogo and Hanna having a serious standoff, so serious in fact that they didn’t even notice Ree as she crept by and grabbed Baby’s bag of ammo. She wouldn’t be needing it.

RESULT:  Ree gains the Tec-9 ammo, and some Snickers

Time to go-go

Food Drop # 2, cont’d: Gogo Yubari vs. Hanna Heller

With astonishing speed, Gogo launched her mace at Hanna and raced for the stacks of food. Gogo didn't know if she'd connected, but it bought her the fraction of a second she needed. When she heard the labored breathing, and strained moaning of her opponent, she knew she'd injured the little ratty-haired girl. It was time to do some real damage. Gogo was going to enjoy this. But when she stepped out of cover, she was greeted by a sight that was becoming far too familiar, Hanna aiming a gun at her. Hanna pulled the trigger with the steady hand of an experienced hunter. As Gogo dove out of the way, the bullet ripped through her chest and the momentum sent her down into the ravine. Hanna had just missed the sadistic schoolgirl's heart, but she'd bleed out soon enough if she even survived the fall.

RESULT:  Hanna sets Gogo up for the big fall. 26 remain

Food Drop # 4, cont’d:  Zack Morris & Max Fischer vs. Jed Eckert

Max’s moment of triumph didn’t last long. Having scared off those brutes, he was sure he and Zack would be able to collect some provisions in peace. Then Jed Eckert dropped out of a tree and planted his knife in Max’s shoulder, barely missing his neck. Pinned under the homegrown guerrilla, Max struggled with his other arm, as Jed forced the blade further in. Max Fischer died quietly. Seeing the last remnants of New Bayside snuffed out, Zack retreated in panic. After wiping the blade off on his pants, Jed inspected Max’s firearm only to discover it was actually an air rifle. Nothing more than a child’s toy. “I’m going to need to get my hands on a real gun if I’m going to survive this fight,” Jed thought as he snapped the rifle over his knee.

RESULT:  Jed lowers the curtain on Max. 25 remain

Food Drop # 2, cont’d:  Cher Horowitz vs. Lloyd Dobler

Lloyd spotted the sad looking socialite pouting next to a mountain of empty junk food wrappers. Cher Horowitz was having a meltdown of epic proportions. She had clearly been popular and wealthy in her former life. This crazy bloodsport didn’t suit her. She was too sensitive. Too empathetic. She needed a protector. Maybe helping her survive this ordeal was the dare to be great situation Lloyd had been waiting for. He approached her slowly, so as not to frighten her. As she looked at him hopefully, Lloyd calmly and definitively stated “You must chill.”

RESULT:  Lloyd finds a new girl to save

Food Drop # 3, cont’d:  Kathryn & AC vs. The Freaks vs. The Girls of Bayside

Kathryn had seen enough. She recognized the look in Slater’s eyes; it was the same look Sebastian had in his right before he went and got run over on account of that dumpy virgin. Why were all men such whiny babies? As Slater dropped to his knees – howling something about how “the preppy” was right – Kathryn reached out and unclasped the back of his explosive Battle Royale collar.

First, Slater’s head exploded. Then, everything went really crazy.

Jessie – all hopped up on caffeine pills, and with chunks of Slater’s face in her hair – let out a blood-curdling scream. She tackled Kathryn, but not before the Slater-slayer could get out her gun. As Jessie clawed at her throat, Kathryn emptied her clip into the girl’s midsection. As it turned out, it was having Jessie Spano’s lifeless body on top of her that would save Kathryn’s life.

Mellow sufficiently harshed and a little freaked out by the exploding heads and gunshots, Daniel Desario spit out his Max-burger and depressed the trigger on his flamethrower. A geyser of fire erupted, melting Kelly and Lisa, all while a giddy Kim Kelly screamed for the pretty bitches to burn.

RESULTIt’s a Bayside bloodbath – Slater, Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa join Screech in the afterlife. 21 remain

Zack Morris vs. Loneliness

Mourning the extermination of his New Bayside brethren, Zack pulled the Buddy Band™ from his pocket. He scanned the 4 illuminated lights representing the position of his friends forever Jessie, AC, Lisa and Kelly. He yearned to see them again. To be working at the resort again. To be anywhere but here. Just then, the Buddy Band™ issued a flurry of beeps and boops, as the 4 lights flickered into nonexistence. No. It couldn't be! Not all of them! Zack fell to his knees, and for the first time since he dressed as Romeo at that fateful Costume Ball, Zack Morris cried.

Result:  Something in Zack has changed

Rallying the troops

Food Drop #1, cont’d: Billy Tepper & Cady Heron vs. Olive Penderghast/Joey Potter vs. Daniel Larusso vs. Dylan McKay

Billy Tepper was much more comfortable plotting and speechifying while shirtless, but he didn’t want to freak out the crowd that had gathered around his food drop. The way Tepper saw the situation, there were two kinds of kids in this competition: 1) normal kids, like those nervous faces he saw here and 2) psycho killer weird kids that might be working with the Colombians. If they could just get rid of all the homicidal maniacs plaguing this island, Tepper reasoned, maybe they’d have a chance at surviving. After all, he’d once figured out how to disarm a bomb with a microchip from an RC plane…

RESULTBilly Tepper creates a mob of Heron, Penderghast, Potter, Larusso, and McKay

Kathryn Merteuil vs. Nick Twisp

Kathryn stared at her reflection in the murky water of the creek. Horrific. Half her face was covered with raw, oozing burns. The only reason she wasn’t entirely burned to a crisp was thanks to that gigantic Spano girl. All the same, she’d been disfigured; her greatest asset taken away from her. Well, she still had a pretty slamming body, which is exactly what Nick Twisp saw when he approached her. “So,” he said, somehow managing a mixture of puppy-dog uncertainty and skeevy arrogance, “I hear you’re looking for someone to emotionally manipulate.”

RESULT:  Sleazy alliance formed

What’s Doogie up to?

It was the most difficult surgery of Dr. Howser’s career. It required all the tools from his medical bag. The girl’s pulse was faint; she’d lost a lot of blood. Doogie tapped the needle once, twice, before plunging the adrenaline shot through her breastbone. With a scream, the girl snapped awake, gasping for air. Howser was good… damn good. “Konichiwa,” he said to a surprised Gogo Yubari.

RESULTGogo lives. We're back to 22!

* * *

How have our readers scored with almost 50% of the field gone?


Will S. – 18 (Jed Eckert, Roland Bishop) – Opened up a solid lead by going 100% on Day Two bonus questions
Ben – 15 (Gogo Yubari, Jed Eckert) – Scored big by betting on Zack and against Baby
Patrick G – 15 (Gogo Yubari, Ferris Bueller) – 75% on bonus questions keeping him in the mix
Matt K. – 12  (Zack Morris, Newt) – Needs Zack to keep on trucking
Dawg – 11 (Zack Morris, Doogie Howser) - Ditto
Giovanny – 11 (Jed Eckert, Zack Morris) – Creeps onto the leaderboard with strong finalists
Losman – 10 (Hanna, AC Slater) – Losing Slater hurts his cause

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