Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale Central!

"I don't want to die, Zack!"


What is this?

Culture Blues is operating a Battle Royale themed tournament of (mostly) teenaged characters from film and television. The premise is simple: what if these 40 teenagers were dropped on a deserted island and forced to kill each other until only one remained? A more detailed explanation of the rules is available here.

You can read up on all the entrants here:

(#1 - #10) Freaks, Wolverines, and Vigilantes

(#11 - #28) Greasers, Cheerleaders, and Tigers

(#29 - #40) Assassins, Detectives, and Troublemakers

How does it work?

The order in which characters encounter each other will be completely random in order to factor in the chaos of a Battle Royale situation. Some of the first encounters are detailed in the survey.

Encounters can result in a fight, an alliance, a humorous exchange, or the characters simply passing each other by. Some heavily favored characters will meet stiff resistance immediately, and some major underdogs may be able to avoid conflict for days at a time. The last teen standing will not only have to be smart and tough, but also lucky.

Items make all the difference. Characters with offensive weapons will enjoy an immediate advantage, but items can be stolen, traded, and plucked off of dead bodies. That immediate advantage might not last long.

Culture Blues editors will be deciding who dies when and who ultimately survives. We love persuasive arguments in the comments, but we don’t put these decisions to popular vote. Why? Because all tournaments like these are inherently pointless in their subjectivity, and even more so when they become popularity contests. It’s just for laughs, you guys!

How can you participate?

-Fill out a prediction survey. Whoever scores the most points will receive a glorious although as yet undetermined prize from the Culture Blues staff.

-The first results will likely go up on Monday, so you have until then to answer!

-Post comments. Compelling arguments from our readers go a long way toward influencing the judges. See below!

Some information from the surveys we’ve already received…

FAVORITE COMMENT:  J, on why Doogie Howser will survive… “His medical knowledge of the human body would undoubtedly transfer to knowledge of how to harm the human body, pressure points, kill shots and whatnot. And if you don't think Doogie is gonna prep and pre-game for this battle royal like a mofo, let me remind you this dude passed the MCATs when he was, like, 8 years old!! 8 years old!!! He'll undoubtedly study up on all his opponents and be able to pick out their weaknesses like diagnosing the common cold. When it's all done, he'll turn on his little blue-screen computer and write some little blurb that will essentially be a reworked quote from Sun Tzu's ‘The Art of War.’”

The Hippocratic Oath… Not all of our voters agree with J’s assessment of Doogie’s prowess. Currently, there’s a dead even split on whether or not Doogie will actually do some harm.

Who will tally the most kills? Gogo Yubari is so far the overwhelming favorite to end the most lives in the Battle Royale.

Which of the Bayside Six will survive the longest? Surprisingly, Kelly Kapowski currently leads with almost 40% of the vote. If any of you Kapowski supporters are out there, we’d love to know what the heck you’re thinking!

I don’t want to wait… An overwhelming percentage of voters think Joey Potter will be the first of the girls-next-door to get killed. No love for Dawson’s Creek, guys?

Ready to fill out that survey now? Get to it!

Some survey tips:

-The last question on the survey asks you to choose a sole survivor. You might want to have that somewhat figured out before you dive in!

-Keeping track of your answers to the questions leading up to the end will be helpful. You’ll probably have the field narrowed down by half by the time you’re answering the big question.

Thanks for participating in our nerdy voyage through a hypothetical fight to the death between 40 teenagers! Please feel free to pass this link on, Tweet about it, annoy your Facebook family with it, etc. The more like-minded individuals we can get involved, the better!

Be Sociable, Share!

Tagged as: , , , ,

4 Responses »

  1. Kelly Kapowski was a cheerleader, and she also did volleyball, swam, and played softball. In other words, she'll clearly bring her A-game in terms of athletic conditioning, there's no denying that. And her fitness should get her farther than, say, Winnie Cooper (did Winnie ever do anything aside from summer lifeguarding?)

    However, watch enough Saved by the Bell and it becomes clear that whatever physical gifts Kapowski might posses are negated by her self-detrimental romanticism. Frankly, she was somewhat clingy. Her on-again/off-again relationship with Zack really proves that she lacks the cold-hearted, loner spirit necessary to win a battle royal. And I ask you this: If she can't cut ties with a boyfriend without reluctance and regrets, how can she ever be expected to cut throats?

    Kapowski will do well based on her physical gifts--and I could even see her going cannibal and eating Screech as a form of intimidation toward her opponents. But people are crazy if you think Kelly Kapowski will be any match for the sheer sadism of other competitors like Gogo Yubari.


  1. The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale Day One! | Culture Blues
  2. The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale Day Two! | Culture Blues
  3. The Tournament: Teenage Battle Royale Day Three! | Culture Blues