Culture Blues

Director Deathmatch: Four Corners of Death

It's a crowded weekend at America's multiplexes, giving us a Director Deathmatch first - a 4-way elimination matchup. Remember, the results of Director Deathmatch are completely unbiased and are the most reliable way of predicting what movie to spend your hard-earned money on.

Clint Eastwood (J. Edgar) vs. Tarsem Singh (Immortals) vs. Lars Von Trier (Melancholia) vs. Dennis Dugan (Jack & Jill)

Box Office Draw - Name recognition is huge in the movie business. In fact, it's kind of all that matters, and nothing is more crucial to a director than their reputation.

Eastwood: An American icon, Eastwood is still a much bigger draw on screen than behind the camera. His last two film appearances (Gran Torino and Million Dollar Baby, both directed by Eastwood himself) each earned over $100 million domestic, while his last two directorial efforts starring people that aren’t Clint Eastwood (Hereafter, Invictus) earned under $40 million a piece. That’s right, movies directed by Dirty Harry and starring Jason Bourne only bring in $30 million.

Tarsem: Well, his new movie is promoted mainly on it being from the producers of 300, a movie Tarsem Singh had nothing to do with.  Maybe there was a time when “the director of The Cell” carried some weight. The Jennifer Lopez psycho-thriller did earn $60 million. But these days, that weight is as tangible as a serial killer’s dreamscape.

Von Trier: He's a favorite among foreign film aficionados, but that means absolutely nothing when it comes to turning a profit. Those tech savvy shut-ins are more likely to download the movie after its festival premiere than actually leave their house and go to a theater. Even the controversial Antichrist starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg only made $400,000 at US box offices. And it was in English!

Dugan: Including this weekend's Jack & Jill, Dugan has directed Adam Sandler's last three vehicles. But if you asked every person coming out of Sandler’s latest yuckfest who Dennis Dugan is, 85% of them would just grunt at you, 10% wouldn’t hear you over their own sustained laughter and the last 5% are dogs. Still, Dugan’s resume boasts a long string of moneymakers and has something for just about everyone (who is an Adam Sandler fan). Recent crap like Grown Ups, midcareer romcoms like Big Daddy and even Happy Gilmore for those who think Sandler lost his edge after his early movies. Dugan’s name means nothing, but his $1 billion in ticket sales mean a lot of people like his crappy movies.

ELIMINATED: Von Trier – I just can’t get over those Antichrist numbers. It was such a big deal and nobody even went to see it.

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Giving Ridiculous Quotes – Nothing is more crucial to a director than their ability to be viewed as a slightly unbalanced egomaniac.

Tarsem: “Anybody in Europe who tries to compete directly with Hollywood will die because they'll just spend more money on it. But things like Hindi cinema have evolved from a different angle, and they've survived because of it. In the west, for example, you don't mix opera and film. If someone is 44 he won't play himself as a 12 or 14-year-old, but he will in a Hindi movie. If he's fat and ugly, people will still call him beautiful. In opera you'd accept that, but you don't accept it in cinema. In the middle of a really serious situation, a dog can have a flashback in a Hindi movie. It is still played seriously, but in the west you wouldn't.” I've never been so happy to have the major studios churning out homogeneous crap before.

Dugan: “It doesn’t matter what you do when you do comedy, you’re gonna offend somebody anyway. You’re not doing it right if somebody ain’t pissed off!” Who does a pie in the face offend?

Eastwood: “I don't like the wimp syndrome. No matter how ardent a feminist may be, if she is a heterosexual female, she wants the strength of a male companion as well as the sensitivity. The most gentle people in the world are macho males, people who are confident in their masculinity and have a feeling of well-being in themselves. They don't have to kick in doors, mistreat women, or make fun of gays.” While most of that sounds like a perfectly acceptable "how to be a man" speech from one of the all-time greats, what's with Clint telling ardent feminists and heterosexual females what they're looking for? And what's "wimp syndrome"? Something you read about it Newsweek in 1993? It's like my grandpa is speaking with Clint Eastwood's mouth.

ELIMINATED: Tarsem – He sure says some crazy things, but Eastwood and Dugan seem to be deflecting imaginary criticism, and doing a bad job of it. I love that.

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Acting – Nothing is more crucial to a director than their understanding of the actor’s plight.

Eastwood: The man is a legend. Mostly known for his terse men of action, but he’s also done everything from romance to comedy to movies with chimps. He’s an American original and one of Hollywood's most famous citizens.

Dugan: Starting his career as an actor, Dugan made many, many TV appearances throughout the 70s and 80s before making the leap to film in Parenthood and then promptly retiring from acting and becoming Adam Sandler’s puppet.

ELIMINATED: Dugan – Be for real.

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Sole Survivor, and your winner: Clint Eastwood. Ugh, how did this happen? Don’t get me wrong, I love Clint (Josey Wales FTW), but J. Edgar looks pretty lame. 4 person Director Deathmatches don’t lie tho…

What’s that? Werner “Limited Release” Herzog is challenging the competition committee’s decision to exclue him because his new movie Into the Abyss is a documentary and no one goes to the movies to watch documentaries because that’s what Netflix Instant is for! OK, BONUS ACTION!

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Casting - A craftsman is only as good as his actors, and nothing is more crucial to a director than his ability to choose the person best for the role, and with the tightest ass.

Herzog: For someone whose output is dominated by documentaries, Herzog sure does make good use of opportunities to cast his own performers. Putting Steve Zahn, Jeremy Davies, Christian Bale, and the guy who played Kuato all in one movie is a huge feather in his cap. He also gave Tim Roth a leading role as a Jewish strongman, which is pretty amazing, and he puts Brad Dourif in almost everything. Casting Nicolas Cage as a drug addicted corrupt cop at the height of Cage’s “hey isn’t Nic Cage crazy?” internet meme status doesn’t seem very inspired, until you realize just how batshit insane Bad Lieutenant 2 is.

Eastwood: Well, we’re both big fans of Matt Damon. On the other hand, Clint still seems to really like Morgan Freeman, who stopped trying decades ago. Flags Of Our Fathers is filled with guys I like such as Barry Pepper and Neal McDonough. IF they'd had bigger roles maybe I'd have stayed awake during it. He does get a lot of credit for making John Cusack and Kevin Spacey square off in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and for making perfect use of Kevin Costner in A Perfect World.

Your winner, and true champion: Werner Herzog! Let's talk about the death penalty y'all!

The victory party