Culture Blues

Album Review: “Lulu” – Lou Reed & Metallica

Lulu - Lou Reed & Metallica

We all knew it was going to end like this, didn’t we? I’m pretty sure that back when Lou Reed and Metallica were revealing the initial details of Lulu, their confusing and wholly unnecessary musical collaboration, no one thought: “Man, I can’t wait till I get my hands on that!” Do you know anyone who was looking forward to hearing Lulu? I didn’t think so. Who could possibly think that pairing an aging metal band that has not released a relevant or “quality” record in 20 years (yeah, it totally has been that long), and an atonal legend whose best material was all written before you were born, would be a good idea? Other than the narcissistic individuals involved in said convergence. In spite of the fact that no one wanted it, Lulu is upon us and dear God, it is awful. Here goes nothing...

Based on a subversive turn of the last century play by German playwright Frank Wedekind, Lulu tells the tale of a seductive young dancer who ascends through German society by capitalizing on her sexuality, only to end up destitute and a prostitute. Oh, and there is an encounter with Jack The Ripper at one point. I am aware that one can find more scandalous plots in prime-time television these days but back in 1904 Lulu was responsible for numerous monocles falling to the ground, and even more fainting spells. Lulu has been remade, reinterpreted, and reimagined in a multitude of different forms and mediums since it was originally written, including as a silent film, an opera, numerous stage adaptations, a comic book and, most recently, as an aural abomination by some dudes who were once all kinds of awesome.

The media blitz that preceded Lulu was a major factor in it becoming the most dreaded album of 2011. When Reed and Metallica first started making the interview rounds I got the feeling that both parties were trying to talk not only us, but themselves, into the merits of this union. As the release date drew closer, Reed was the first one to truly buy into this whole thing (because he had the most to gain if this thing would have been a success, duh!), stating to every media outlet in the Western Hemisphere that making music with Metallica was revitalizing, and provided a new spark that he as an artist had desperately needed. Then came the revelation from Kirk Hammett and James Hetfield that they both broke down in tears during the recording sessions, because cutting Junior Dad made them remember their fathers in ways that affected them deeply. While I personally would never mock someone's father issues, there are others out there (like countless Metallica fans across the world/Internet) who think that a claim of this type would be a touch out of character from the men who wrote Fade To Black. Lastly, there was Rolling Stone's David Fricke who, after hearing a couple of early preview tracks from Lulu, essentially said it sounded like Berlin meets Master Of Puppets,  both an absurdly laughable notion and an impossible claim to live up to. Everything we learned about Lulu before it came out only served to lessen the anticipation.

Clocking in at a Sisyphean hour and a half, Lulu is a ponderous ten track monstrosity that spans two discs; to call this record an unforgiving listen would actually be kind to the monotonous and morose music that comprises it. The amount of flaws that Lulu possesses are near incalculable, and as I would rather not spend more time pulling this sonic conundrum apart than it’s worth I will choose only three:

1) Because Lulu has a self-contained narrative, the sequencing of the record must go in a corresponding order which results in the record’s best two songs being placed at the beginning and end of the work. Thus there is an enormous hour+ canyon of hideous brown sludge (you can really hear the brown) between the only two semi-decent songs.

2) Metallica and Lou Reed never quite manage to mesh over the course of the record. As far as chops and musical acumen, you are never going to find a group of four dudes as polished and capable as Metallica (Hammett alone is an unquestionable guitar God), but these men never manage to find a common ground with Reed’s “poetry,” or even the project's vision. Again, the length of this exercise in futility really only exacerbates the terrible.

3) Reed tries way too hard to be edgy for the third millennium. The places that Reed takes his lyrics throughout this record are extremely violent, and prejudiced in every way possible, but it’s not the subject matter that wears on you. It’s the fact that he is obviously trying to be shocking for the sake of being shocking, which isn’t art at all -  it’s camp.

I know what you’re thinking. Where is the part where I go into the songs in detail?  Trust me, I don’t have to. I already stated that the first (Brandenburg Gate) and last (Junior Dad) tracks are the least bad; what more do you want? The View is cringe-worthy, Iced Honey is horrific, it should be a crime that Dragon is eleven minutes long, and Cheat On Me’s nearly twelve minute run-time should get you sentenced to the hole for life. Now that I've found a way to gripe about a fourth thing, let me state that the fact that the average song on Lulu is about eight minutes is inexcusable. No one would ever want to listen to a seventy year old man recite poems about sucking cock and ripping off breasts while being backed by a band that has no idea what it should do for that long. AHHHHHH!

In summation, I would like to say that Lulu is without a doubt the worst thing I have ever reviewed as official Culture Blues music guy, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it will hold that crown for a long time. Make sure to get this for all of the people you hate this Christmas.