Culture Blues

The Culture Blues Fictional Fantasy Football Draft

To celebrate the beginning of football season, we asked our contributors to each draft a fantasy football team from the world of film and television. They’re filling the following positions with qualified fictional characters:

Quarterback, Running Back, Wide Receiver, Defensive Specialist, Coach, and Cheerleader

Once all those positions are filled, we’ll be deciding which of our writers drafted the best squad via popular vote. Or maybe secret ballot. Or possibly XFL-style kick-off scramble competition. Maybe we’ll just declare everyone winners. We haven’t decided yet!

Standard snake draft rules are in effect. Draft order was randomly determined.

There are absolutely no prizes on the line. Not even pride! But that didn’t stop some of our writers from trying to game the system. For instance, what is the league’s stance on the X-Gene? That wasn’t outlined in the CBA. Forget about your frivolous “who should I start in my PPR league?” discussions. This is real, literal fantasy football.

Let’s go to the draft board!

Jason Arican – Round 1, Pick 1 – Selects as Coach, Jules Winnfield (Samuel Jackson, Pulp Fiction)

Every great team must have a great motivator, so it only makes sense to build your team around a coach. While it may seem like a reach (the intern has Tony D'mato #1 on his board), I'm going with Jules Winnfield as the #1 overall pick. Imagine, if you will, my star QB getting off to a rough start. Approaching the bench after his second interception of the game, he picks his eyes up from the ground to see the barrel of Jules' 9mm pointed squarely at the bridge of his nose. "THROW A PICK AGAIN! I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER... THROW ONE AGAIN!" Motivation, you guys.

Zach Falk – Round 1, Pick 2 – Selects as Cheerleader, Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (Sofia Vergara, Modern Family)

You think going for a coach with the number one overall pick is a reach? What about blowing a first round pick on a cheerleader? That's the equivalent of taking a kicker with your first pick. Fuck it, I'm doing it. Nothing will get my players to push through a D-Line more than hearing Colombian accented shouts of "Vaya vaya papi!" Plus, your first pick is the face of your franchise, and imagine the positive effect tapping into the ESPN Deportes market will have on the franchise. Invaluable. Sure, there is a risk for off the field scandal as players will be eager for a sultry locker room scene. But the upside is too good to pass up. I mean she actually motivated Al Bundy to get off the couch and transform into the most loveable stepfather of all time.

Jeff Hart – Round 1, Pick 3 – Selects as Defensive Specialist, Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler, The Waterboy)

My colleagues seem to have forgotten that 1) football games are won on the field, and 2) defense wins championships. Boucher’s defensive awareness makes Lawrence Taylor jealous. The guy is everywhere; he’s a rage and shame filled tackling machine. Much like Captain Insane-O, he shows no mercy. The dude creates turnovers and inflicts casualties. Too bad we’re not drafting back-up QBs, because you’re all going to need at least three. Who could possibly stay in the game after taking a bone-rattling shoulder block from my developmentally disabled team captain? Nuh nuh nobody.

Ben Van Iten – Round 1, Pick 4 – Selects as Quarterback, Willy Beamen (Jamie Foxx, Any Given Sunday)

Cheerleaders?  Coaches?  Defense?  L-O-L.  Everyone knows with the first pick of a fantasy draft you go for the franchise. That's what I've landed here with Steamin' Willy Beamen who, in case you were wondering why the mood has suddenly changed in the draft room, keeps all the ladies creamin'.  He's a prototypical 21st century QB with a cannon for an arm and ankle breaking moves.  Yeah he's a trouble maker but would you be alright riding the pine behind Dennis Quaid?  I think not.  And hey, we throw parades for dog killers now...should be fine!

Jeremiah White – Round 1, Pick 5 – Selects as Running Back, Juggernaut (Vinnie Jones, X-Men: The Last Stand)

I'll let Wikipedia do the talking for me: "His mutation [grants] him the inability to be halted once he starts running." That's right, my fullback (he's also one hell of a pass blocker) is literally unstoppable. And he might not be the brightest bulb in the mutant academy, but he'll never lose his helmet before the big game like a certain Pro Bowl running back, because it's bolted to the suit of armor he always wears. Oh, did I forget to mention his suit of armor?

Lauren Passell – Round 1, Pick 6 – Selects as Cheerleader, Betty Draper (January Jones, Mad Men)

Since I'm a girl and I still have to finish reading Holly Robinson Peete's Get Your Own Damn Beer, I'm Watching The Game, I'm picking my cheerleader first. (I haven't gotten to the chapter that explains what a "WR" is.) Betty Draper has that icy edge that all cheerleaders need. She's a trophy willing to slap people around. And she's really hot, so she would be able to distract the other team. Not saying she'd really be able to rally the troops, but the team I'm about to build is so awesome it doesn't really need a good cheerleader, anyway.

Giovanny Caquias – Round 1, Pick 7 – Selects as Quarterback, Bruce Wayne (George Clooney, Batman and Robin)

I'd pick Batman first in any draft, conscription, or other random selection process he’s eligible in. His extensive resume and lifetime of vengeance-meets-redemption based training makes him the perfect candidate for most circumstances. When selecting a Batman from the ranks of film and TV one is provided with numerous choices, but my hatred for Chirstian Bale prevents me from choosing him. Instead I choose the George Clooney Batman from Batman and Robin, because he is the dreamiest... moving on. Batman is the type of field general that a fan dreams of, and his resourcefulness makes him an invaluable asset to any team.

Giovanny Caquias – Round 2, Pick 8 – Selects as Running Back, Nightcrawler (Alan Cumming, X2: X-Men United)

I went back and forth on my second pick for a while and, in the end, though I didn’t choose the sexiest pick, I think it’ll work. Because the Flash movie does not come out until 2013, I have chosen Nightcrawler to be my running back. The reasoning for this is pretty simple; the man can teleport. Picture this: after a touchback, Batman snaps the ball at the 20 before handing it off to Nightcrawler, who proceeds to teleport into the end zone. Does that sound like cheese to you? Well, it sounds like victory to me.

Lauren Passell – Round 2, Pick 9 – Selects as Running Back, Secretariat (some horse, Secretariat)

Because try tackling the greatest race horse ever.

Jeremiah White – Round 2, Pick 10 – Selects as Coach, Chuck Dichter (Jon Voight, Second String)

I would almost be willing to draft Coach Dichter based only on his ability to create a culture of winning in Buffalo, one of the NFL’s most tortured cities. However, when most of the first team offense came down with food poisoning right before the playoffs and Dichter led the second string, and a washed up quarterback only meant for the practice squad, on a successful playoff run, he cemented his value to me. Then, his mix of old school football methodology and cagey trick plays gave the Buffalo Bills their first ever Super Bowl victory, and Chuck Dichter became something of a deity to me. Go Bills!

Ben Van Iten – Round 2, Pick 11 – Selects as Coach, Al Swearengen (Ian McShane, Deadwood)

Typically I’d be concerned about bringing in a coach whose assistants consist of an Indian head in a box and a bunch of people that can’t read, but Al Swearengen is a special case.  Clearly Al has a killer instinct and an aptitude for planning, but even if he turns out to be an awful coach, the mic’d up segments will be top notch material.  Has anyone ever said “cunt” on the NFL network?  Plus I think it’s important to be able to drink your way out of a losing streak.

Jeff Hart – Round 2, Pick 12 – Selects as Running Back, David Dunn (Bruce Willis, Unbreakable)

A franchise RB needs to be a workhorse. He needs to be someone that can take a beating. Maybe even someone that literally cannot be hurt. This selection marks the long-awaited return of Dunn to the gridiron, a game he once gave up for love but now returns to because I’m writing fan-fiction about it. This hard-headed power-back might not be the most glamorous pick, but he gets stronger as the game goes on and can bench press a shitload of paint cans. Let’s just hope we never play games in the rain.

Zach Falk – Round 2, Pick 13 – Selects as Coach, Wally Rig (Robert Loggia, Necessary Roughness)

"If you can build an offense around a guy who throws like Edward Scissorhands, we're gonna be playing a hell of a lot of defense." That's assistant coach Wally Rig displaying his true knowledge of the game. He's not afraid to make his other coaches accountable, even when he's the assistant and he's addressing his head coach! That takes guts. Plus, when opportunity knocked to go from D-coordinator to head honcho in the biggest game of the year, he stepped up big with this oratory gem. Passion, humor, faith. I want that in the locker room every week.

Jason Arican – Round 2, Pick 14 – Selects as Running Back, Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump)

While other GMs are drafting mutants and animals… one thing that is getting lost in this is finding people with actual football ability (let us disregard for a moment the actual ability to carry a football). Forrest Gump was an All-American running back for the University of Alabama. Other notable All-American running backs to don the crimson and white include Shaun Alexander and Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram. WHO GON' STOP HIM, HANH? Sidenote: running out of the back of the end zone and straight into the tunnel is pretty much the most ballinest thing you can do after scoring a touchdown- so obviously there is a place on my team for someone who does that.

The Teams So Far:
Jason Arican: Forrest Gump (RB), Jules Winnfield (Coach)
Zach Falk: Wally Rig (Coach), Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (Cheerleader)
Jeff Hart: David Dunn (RB), Bobby Boucher (Defensive Specialist)
Ben Van Iten: Willy Beamen (QB), Al Swearengen (Coach)
Jeremiah White: Juggernaut (RB), Chuck Dichter (Coach)
Lauren Passell: Secretariat (RB), Betty Draper (Cheerleader)
Giovanny Caquias: Bruce Wayne (QB), Nightcrawler (RB)

Which of our contributors has the edge so far? Is there anything to stop Jeremiah and Giovanny from just drafting all superheroes and fictional Bills coaches? How would you fill out your squad?

Tagged as: fantasy football, football movies, the x-gene can't be legal, they tackle horses don't they