Let’s Review Conan the Barbarian!
As the Culture Blues Intern, it is my duty to record the post-screening discussions of my editors, so that they're not required to "sell out" and write actual cogent criticism.
Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the critics.
Jeremiah is staring ponderously at his computer monitor when Jeff walks in.
Jeff Hart: What are you pondering so deeply?
Jeremiah White: I’m trying to decide on the most diplomatic way to tell Jason Momoa to stop working on his script for a Conan sequel because this one sucks and no one wants to see another one.
Immediately, Jeff tears off his Velcro business suit. He is wearing a loincloth and waving around an arakh which, if you’re wondering, is the traditional weapon of the Dothraki people.
Jeremiah: Oh no.
Jeff: [UNINTELLIGIBLE DOTHRAKI]
Jeremiah: Alright, Game of Thrones super-fan. Calm down.
Jeff: How dare you insult the Khal! Conan is the movie that shall mount the world!
Jeremiah: It’s really quite awful. It seems obvious that Conan exists only to deliver fun sword-wielding action. Even with that modest expectation, it fails. The fights are ordinary and boring. Not to mention they are cloaked in so much chaos and cacophony that it often feels like the audience is being attacked rather than the onscreen characters. Every action on screen is accompanied by an exaggerated sound effect, and seemingly every scene is backed by an overly grand and bombastic score that consistently fails to add any drama or intrigue to the proceedings.
Jeff: Okay, yes, Conan is most definitely an assaultive film. I don’t know if the action sequences were meant to be “fun” so much as visceral, in that 300 digital blood sort of way.
Jeremiah: Would entertaining be a better adjective choice? Because they’re not that either.
Jeff: They’re graphic bloody rampages! Don’t be such a snob. Admittedly, the battles degrade in quality as they grow more ambitious, culminating in a final fight that’s sillier than it is thrilling. But what do you want from Conan? It’s a movie for 14 year old boys that want to sneak into an R-rated movie and enjoy some head-chopping book-ended with flouncing big-breasted slave girls.
Jeremiah: So you’re giving it a pass because it plays to the demographic that you most closely identify with.
Jeff: Yes! Wait – no. Was that an insult? It’s a pretty lousy movie, I’ll grant you that. But I had a decent enough time letting it bombard me. At least for the first hour.
Jeremiah: Ugh. I can’t believe you’re playing devil’s advocate here. Beyond the thoroughly underwhelming action, Conan really has nothing to offer. The plot manages to be convoluted even though nothing of significance ever really happens. The protagonist is as honorable as a boy scout when it comes to freeing slaves, yet he’s also a sadist, and becomes visibly turned on after watching Rachel Nichols kill someone in battle.
Jeff: Fine. The plot is pretty much nonexistent. If you were to pull all the non-fight scenes out of the movie and run them together, that’d account for about 20 minutes of film, I think. They serve the same purpose as video game cut scenes. And the film really doesn’t know what to do with Rachel Nichols.
Jeremiah: You mean besides show off her body?
Jeff: When we first meet her she’s a somewhat competent fighter. She’s at least able to hold her own. By the end, she’s reduced to a screaming set of boobs that Conan needs to rescue. Not that I expected Conan to be a sterling example of feminist filmmaking.
Jeremiah: Sexism in a blockbuster, who’d have thought?
Jeff: It’s a criticism more on fantasy than blockbusters, I think. Ladies need to be sexy and subservient in order to stay true to the material.
Jeremiah: Ignoring the problems inherent to the genre and focusing more on the atrocious filmmaking: the dialogue is laughable. Who knew that Momoa would be more comfortable speaking made up Dothraki than English? He labors to get out the scant lines that are written for him.
Jeff: That’s the grand Conan tradition!
Jeremiah: How did you feel about the numerous scenes of people “meaningfully” holding things up to the heavens? It’s like everyone just got really psyched up watching the beginning of The Lion King.
Jeff: Where else would you expect them to hold things up? Heaven is where Crom is, dude.
Jeremiah: You’re an idiot. Conan is really terrible. It’s a dumb, bloody movie that is nowhere near as fun or badass as the Schwarzenegger movie that inspired it. It has more in common with modern period blockbusters like Pirates of the Caribbean or The Mummy than that campy classic.
Jeff: It certainly uses the modern blockbuster formula of those movies, but it’s lacking the humor and camp that made those films somewhat enjoyable. But who needs humor and camp when you’ve got heads getting bashed?
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