Culture Blues

The 90s Badass Tournament: First Round, Part 2

The Tournament pits 64 of the most badass characters from 90s cinema against one another in a single elimination tournament.

If you missed yesterday's results post, you can check that out here. Today, we're finishing off the first round! There's going to be mayhem, there's going to be bloodshed, and there's going to be controversy.

Let's get to the action!

LANGLEY FIRST ROUND

9. John Hatcher (Steven Seagal, Marked for Death) vs 8. Porter (Mel Gibson, Payback)

The story for much of this fight was Porter’s extraordinary ability to slip the noose. As soon as these two fearless competitors met, Hatcher easily sidestepped Porter’s heavy-handed attempt to punch him with a fist wrapped around a roll of coins. Hatcher was able to get his hands on Porter over and over again, working over his joints – bending, contorting, cranking. Bones were broken, blood was lost. Yet, every time he moved in for the kill, Porter escaped. Hatcher’s frustration eventually made him crack. As he paced the arena muttering to himself, Porter calmly crawled over to the Hatcher’s duffel bag of guns, pulled out a pistol, shot him in the back, and then limped back to the locker room.

WINNER: Porter, via an unbelievable threshold for pain

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1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs 16. Cliff Secord (Bill Campbell, The Rocketeer)

Not one to get bogged down with details, The Rocketeer failed to notice that the piece of gum used to plug the hole in his rocket-pack had mysteriously changed colors.

WINNER:  Ethan Hunt, via exploding gum

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2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 15. Mickey Knox (Woody Harrelson, Natural Born Killers)

The Demolition Man is no stranger to taking down homicidal, maniacal sociopaths. Spartan's aggressive "dead or alive but probably dead" brand of law enforcement put Knox on his heels from the outset. Spartan punched Knox, threw him through windows and generally bullied him all over the battlefield. Knox, realizing that he couldn’t take Spartan in a fight, decided to grab a hostage from the audience. Knox licked the hostage’s face and launched into a lengthy diatribe about the nature of murder and media saturation in modern America. Spartan responded by shooting Knox in the mouth, spraying the frightened hostage with brain matter. Get over it, lady.

WINNER: John Spartan, via police brutality

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5. John Cutter (Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57) vs 12. Lyon Gaultier (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lionheart)

John Cutter, the world's 100% most badass airline safety expert, gained an early advantage employing quick strikes and some painful restraint holds. As Gaultier saw his championship hopes fading, he thought of his sister-in-law and nephew, and how there would be no one to take care of them if he were to die, because they are a woman and a child and can’t take care of themselves. Enraged at the thought of these two people he barely knows living in poverty, Gaultier lioned up and rocked Cutter with a hard kick to the stomach. As Cutter fell to his knees, he thought of his dead wife, the woman he was failing yet again. Cutter pulled himself back to his feet just in time for Gaultier to deliver a series of locked-elbow punches that knocked the glorified flight attendant unconscious.

WINNER: Lyon Gaultier, via don’t always bet on black

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4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air) vs 13. Jake Lo (Brandon Lee, Rapid Fire)

The Southern gentleman and the sarcastic college kid started their match with an uncomfortable sparring session during which both offered backhanded compliments on their opponent's style. Lo seemed to awaken something dark in Poe when he asked if Poe had learned that defensive stance from his daughter. Hair blowing carelessly in the wind, legs constricted by skin tight Wranglers, Poe screamed "Put the bunny back in the box!" before launching into a series of stiff, awkward martial arts kicks that overwhelmed his opponent, not only with their force but also with their offensively bad form. His opponent incapacitated, Poe employed the deadly palm-to-nose technique. As the promising young martial artist lay crumpled at his feet, Poe grew quiet and, with the bloodlust seemingly satiated, turned to the crowd and swore that Lo’s death was just an accident.

WINNER: Cameron Poe, via serious anger issues

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3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs 14. Lornette Mason (Angela Bassett, Strange Days)

There’s no real pleasure in this one for McClane, a man used to being the underdog, here taking on Lornette Mason, who many have accused of being overrated at a #14 seed. Mason gave it a go, battering McClane with her retractable club, giving the heavy Tournament favorite some bruises to take into the second round. Eventually, as he is wont to do, McClane turned the tables on Mason with a clever quip and a brutal counterstrike.

WINNER: John McClane, via knockout

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7. Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis, Last of the Mohicans) vs 10. Mike Lowery (Will Smith, Bad Boys, etc)

This first round match-up got off to an unexpectedly shrill start as Lowery, already understandably frustrated at being lost in the woods, found himself arguing with partner/sidekick Marcus Burnett, who insisted on tagging along despite not being invited to The Tournament. Lowery commented, loudly, on how “this Indian dude” refused to show himself and fight, to which Burnett replied that Hawkeye is, in fact, a white dude. A high volume and exceedingly nuanced argument on race ensued, at last decided by a single, precise musket shot fired from the treeline.

WINNER:  Hawkeye, via the power of silence

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6. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer, Tombstone) vs 11. Sam (Robert De Niro, Ronin)

It seemed uncharacteristically bad planning for the usually careful Sam to meet Doc Holliday in the center of town, away from cover. Holliday, wary of a trap but wanting to end this fight quickly so he could get back to drinking in bed, drew on Sam. Suddenly, shots rang out from Doc’s left! Twisting to avoid the gunfire, Doc took aim at his unseen assailant, but found no target. The poppers Sam planted before the fight had worked to perfection. A distracted Holliday made an easy target for the cagey mercenary.

WINNER:  Sam, via always having a plan

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USS MISSOURI FIRST ROUND

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 16. Frank Farmer (Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard)

Ryback and Farmer had built up quite a rapport prior to The Tournament, sharing meals, drinks and walks through the grounds. All amiability disappeared, however, when the men engaged in a lightning fast knife fight in the first round. Ryback maintained a steely-eyed intensity, but Farmer seemed detached and, according to eyewitness reports, a little blue. When he broke into song, Ryback took pity on his opponent and disabled him with an expertly placed karate chop to the neck.

WINNER: Casey Ryback, via a broken heart

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4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc) vs 13. Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones, The Fugitive, etc)

Samuel Gerard is one tough bastard. He's hunted down the most elusive and clever criminals the US Marshals have ever had cause to chase. He's intelligent, honorable, and he never stops until he gets his man. Yet none of that helped him one iota when El Mariachi flipped opened his guitar case, pulled out a MAC-10 and filled Gerard with bullets. When asked what made the difference, El Mariachi responded "he takes them alive, I don't."

WINNER: El Mariachi, via loving to shoot people

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8. Chance Boudreaux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hard Target) vs 9. Sean Archer (John Travolta/Nic Cage, Face/Off)

The corpses of nearly two dozen doves littered the battlefield, caught in the copious amount of crossfire generated by these bullet-evading combatants. With both Boudreaux and Archer having expended multiple clips, and neither able to find their target, the two took a breather to reload. Bursting out of cover, Archer happened to glimpse his reflection in a piece of shattered glass. The face of his mortal enemy staring back at him was enough to make Archer hesitate, and Boudreaux capitalized.

WINNER:  Chance Boudreaux, via that face thing really freaking Archer out

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2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Alien 3, etc) vs 15. William Foster (Michael Douglas, Falling Down)

While many Tournament pundits pointed out prior to this fight that neither combatant was in their right mind - Ripley being highly disturbed by the alien baby growing inside her and Foster terminally annoyed by the strictness of the Whammy Burger breakfast menu – it still surprised many that they agreed to settle their differences via quick draw duel. While this odd arrangement initially didn’t seem to be a format that would favor the scrappy, tough-as-nails Ripley, she at least had a gun loaded with bullets.

WINNER: Ripley, via D-Fens using a water pistol

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5. James Marshall (Harrison Ford, Air Force One) vs 12. John Smith (Bruce Willis, Last Man Standing)

James Marshall started the match by defaulting to his modus operandi. He ducked into the shadows and prepared to pounce on the fedora-topped gunfighter. John Smith predictably stood in the center of the arena, waiting for a target to present itself for shooting. Marshall carefully repositioned himself, and rushed Smith from behind, knocking him to the ground and sending his guns sliding across the floor out of reach. Marshall summoned surprising strength to lift Smith and dump him on his head before using his fists to severely bloody the hired gun’s face. As Smith's eyes began to close and he faded into unconsciousness, he slipped his hand into a hidden ankle holster and put a bullet in the president's head.

WINNER: John Smith, via always having a gun handy

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3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 14. Wah Sing Ku (Jet Li, Lethal Weapon 4)

Finding himself entered in a massive “who would win in a fight?” tournament was all a little bit too surreal for Doug Quaid. He couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t real, that this must have been a memory implant by that bastard Cohaagen. Quaid was still lost in thought, struggling with his own identity, and basically just going through one hell of an existential crisis when the swift and silent Wah Sing Ku snuck up behind him and started strangling Quaid with his rosary bead/piano wire thing. As Quaid struggled for oxygen, he remembered who he was and what he had done. It was just the jolt he needed to reach over his head and flip Ku in front of him. As Quaid wrapped his beefy arm around Ku’s slight neck, he felt an almost irresistible urge to say something. To deliver some pithy quip. But with nothing coming to mind, he just wrenched back and snapped Ku’s neck.

WINNER: Doug Quaid, via If I am not me, then who the hell am I?

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7. William Wallace (Mel Gibson, Braveheart) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

William Wallace was talking strategy around the campfire with Hamish and Stephen when William Munny approached. The shadowy, dogged stranger asked which of the "dress-wearing sissies" was his opponent, receiving his answer when Wallace unleashed a war-cry and drew his savage blade. Unimpressed, Munny shot him in the face.

WINNER:  William Munny, via headshot

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6. Martin Blank (John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank) vs 11. Ghost Dog (Forest Whitaker, Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai)

Seeming to detach from the very shadows of the high school gymnasium, Ghost Dog got the drop on Martin Blank, squeezing off a single round that wounded Blank, but did not kill him. The usually exact Ghost Dog had perhaps underestimated Blank’s ability to detect ambushes from his fellow assassins. What followed was an exchange of gunfire – carefully aimed bursts by Ghost Dog, wild two-handed bullet spraying by Blank. Both fighters out of ammo, Ghost Dog quoted a passage on worthy adversaries from The Book of Bushido, and lumbered forward with his katana drawn. Relying on his quickness, and Ghost Dog’s inexperience with a professional opponent, Blank evaded an overcommitted slash and punctured Ghost Dog’s jugular with a pen.

WINNER:  Martin Blank, via that old cliché

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The first round is in the books! Here are the pairings for the second round.

LANGLEY SECOND ROUND

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs  8. Porter (Mel Gibson, Payback)

4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air) vs 12. Lyon Gaultier (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lionheart)

3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) vs  11. Sam (Robert De Niro, Ronin)

2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 7. Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis, Last of the Mohicans)

USS MISSOURI SECOND ROUND

1. Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege, etc) vs 8. Chance Boudreaux (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hard Target)

4. El Mariachi (Antonio Banderas, Desperado, etc) vs 12. John Smith (Bruce Willis, Last Man Standing)

3. Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Total Recall) vs 6. Martin Blank (John Cusack, Grosse Pointe Blank)

2. Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver, Alien 3, etc) vs 10. William Munny (Clint Eastwood, Unforgiven)

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Now that half the field is cleared, how are your brackets holding up?

Sam upsetting Doc Holliday was far and away the most unexpected result of the First Round with only 14% of brackets picking that correctly. Holliday is the most popular character to go down so far with the lung'r appearing as Champion in one bracket and in the Final Four of two others.

After going 15-of-16 yesterday, defending champion Zook has completely fallen off the Leaderboard, predicting only 8 of today's winners. Replacing him at the top is Willias, who went 15-of-16 today, missing only the Doc Holliday upset.

The average total score for Round 1 is 22 points. The low score, shared by a few people, is 16 points. The contest is still extremely close, with no one really separating themselves from the pack. And remember, points double in Round 2. It's anyone's game!

LEADERBOARD
(1-t) Willias (Simon Phoenix, John Spartan, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 27 pts
(1-t) Snob (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Hannibal Lecter, William Munny) – 27 pts
(2) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 26 pts
(3) Christian T (Leon, Doc Holliday, Sarah Connor, William Munny) – 25 pts
(4-t) Dan M (Leon, John McClane, Chan Ka Kui, Doug Quaid) – 24 pts
(4-t) Giovanny (Ethan Hunt, Simon Phoenix, The Wagner Twins, Ellen Ripley) – 24 pts
(4-t) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 24 pts
(4-t) Quick (El Mariachi, Robin of Locksley, Doc Holliday, Tequila) – 24 pts

Fan favorites Doc Holliday and William Wallace are no longer with us. Feel free to eulogize them and berate the judges in the comments. Also, weigh in on some of these tough Second Round draws! Next results post coming on Tuesday afternoon.

Tagged as: 90s action movies, badass tournament, hypothetical fighting, who would win in a fight