Culture Blues

The 90s Badass Tournament: First Round, Part 1

The Tournament pits 64 of the most badass characters from 90s cinema against one another in a single elimination tournament.

Background here! Statistics here! Let's get to the action!

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY FIRST ROUND

6. Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat, Hard Boiled) vs 11.  Inspector Lee (Jackie Chan, Rush Hour, etc)

This battle of the Hong Kong cops was a classic case of firearms vs. fisticuffs. Tequila filled the air with lead as he bounded around the police station while Lee evaded his bullets with impossible acrobatics, frequently pausing to disarm his dual-wielding opponent but unable to score any significant damage before Tequila improbably had another pair of pistols in hand. The battle lasted for hours, as Tequila's endless stream of bullets chipped away at all the furnishings and fixtures of the station until Lee was left with nothing else to hide behind, slide between or leap off. Staring down the barrels, Lee abruptly broke into the saddest a cappella rendition of California Girls you've ever heard before Tequila finished him off by emptying both clips, which took 12 minutes.

WINNER: Tequila, via infinity bullets

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1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 16.  Deebo (Tommy Lister, Friday)

When Riggs was told he’d be facing one of South Central’s most notorious criminals in the first round, he expected a flamethrower-wielding, armor-wearing maniac. He did not expect Deebo, the kind of burly low-level thug that Riggs has been punching out for years. Deebo may have briefly managed to get Riggs on the ropes  – Riggs does like to make it a contest, after all – but in the end, it was a well-placed brick to the side of the head (The Craig Method) that knocked Deebo out, allowing Riggs to slap the cuffs on.

WINNER:  Martin Riggs, via outstanding warrants

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3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 14. Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen, Reservoir Dogs)

As soon as Mr. Blonde entered the abandoned warehouse, Leon killed the lights. Not one to scare easily, but also not one to conserve bullets, Mr. Blonde fired indiscriminately into the darkness. After close to a minute spent strafing the walls, Mr. Blonde stopped to listen, hoping to get a bead on his opponent or, preferably, listen to his death rattle. For a moment, Mr. Blonde could see the entire warehouse, but lit as it was by a single muzzle flash, Mr. Blonde’s rapidly collapsing brain didn’t have time to process the details.

WINNER:  Leon, via surgical headshot

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4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact) vs 13. Simon Templar (Val Kilmer, The Saint)

Much to the confusion of Alex Wagner, The Saint showed up to battle disguised as his brother Chad. Pastel polo shirt, black silk underwear, infuriatingly effeminate behavior – the master of disguise had it all down pat. What The Saint failed to account for was Alex’s overwhelming desire to injure his own brother. After knocking out both Chad and his imposter with a pair of cranium-splitting headbutts, Alex was able to peel away the latex and expose The Saint. Briefly, he considered ditching his annoying twin and keeping Templar on as a partner. After the somewhat disconcerting display of reapplying The Saint’s disguise and then brutally beating him, Alex collected his woozy twin and reluctantly moved on.

WINNER:  The Wagner Twins, via those disguises not even being that good anyway

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5. The Jackal (Bruce Willis, The Jackal) vs 12. Jack Slater (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Last Action Hero)

Jack Slater was unsurprised to find an empty battlefield when he arrived for his first round match; these cowardly criminal types have been ducking Slater for years. When Slater spied his nerdy opponent 300 yards away, fiddling with a remote control, he decided to have some fun. Slater tossed a few sticks of dynamite into the air, planning to launch them toward his foe with expertly placed shots from his Desert Eagle. A funny thing happened though. For the life of him, Slater couldn't hit the rapidly falling explosives. It had never been this hard before. Oh no! Jack Slater realized he was in the real world just moments before depleted uranium rounds fired at a rate of 20/sec turned his body to mush.

WINNER: The Jackal, via this ain't fantasy land, bro

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8. Melvin Smiley (Mark Wahlberg, The Big Hit) vs 9.  Gabe Walker (Sylvester Stallone, Cliffhanger)

Nice guy that he is and all, Smiley opted not to show up with all the armament his job as a contract killer requires, reasoning that Walker would be ill prepared for such a battle. This may have been a mistake. Early on, Walker's brute strength overcame the hitman's considerable unarmed combat training and the expert climber tossed Smiley around the mountaintop. Walker tired quickly, and Smiley withstood the barrage, eventually responding with a series or martial arts strikes that did little to soften Walker’s rock hard physique, but succeeded in backing Walker down... right off a cliff.

WINNER: Melvin Smiley, via gravity's a bitch, ain't it?

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7. Charly Baltimore (Geena Davis, The Long Kiss Goodnight) vs 10. Zorro (Antonio Banderas, The Mask of Zorro)

The dashing and debonair Zorro gained an early upper hand in this match as he slyly slid the blade of his sword down the barrel of Baltimore's Mini Uzi, deftly disarming her with a flick of his wrist. The lethal lady responded by drawing her own bladed weapon, a large hunting knife. Zorro's suave swordsmanship allowed him to dance away from her precise swipes. A hard hack relieved Baltimore of her second weapon and allowed Zorro to gracefully paint her torso with painful but intentionally non-lethal slashes. With his foe on her knees, the noble swordsman relented, giving Baltimore a chance to concede. She gratefully took this opportunity... to punch him in the crotch and push his nose into his brain.

WINNER: Charly Baltimore, via fighting dirty

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2. Jack Ryan (Harrison Ford, Patriot Games, etc) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

Jack Ryan, using his considerable pull as a CIA Analyst, signed off on paperwork that would send enlisted man Johnny Rico overseas to finally deal with that “Irish problem” Ryan has been going on about for years. However, pangs of guilt over squandering the life of yet another soldier led to Ryan tearing up his orders and meeting Rico in the streets for a fair fight. Although, Rico had a rocket launcher and futuristic body armor, so it wasn’t really fair at all.

WINNER:  Johnny Rico, via exploding motorcade

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OMEGA SECTOR FIRST ROUND

2. Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) vs 15. Ray Quick (Sylvester Stallone, The Specialist)

In a move that is sure to cause controversy, Ray Quick snuck into Sherwood Forest prior to the fight’s start time and littered the battlefield with strategically placed explosives. Upon arriving at the predetermined, agreed-upon time, Robin of Locksley (no stranger to booby traps) quickly spotted the newly disturbed dirt and branches amongst the lush greenery, and set about triggering Quick’s traps from a safe distance. Watching from afar, the demolitions expert became enraged and busted out his workbench. As Quick put the finishing touches on a new kind of volatile trap, tailored specifically for his opponent, he felt a sudden, sharp pain in his temple before everything went black.

WINNER:  Robin of Locksley, via arrow to the head

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1. Harry Tasker (Arnold Schwarzenegger, True Lies) vs 16. Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates, Misery)

The field of combat was momentarily leveled in this otherwise lopsided first round contest when the overconfident Tasker was thrown from the horse he rode in on after he tried to make it leap from one rooftop to another. With her opponent temporarily incapacitated, Wilkes moved in for some vintage hobbling, only to have Tasker regain his footing and smoothly snap her neck.

WINNER:  Harry Tasker, via that neck snapping thing that all spies know how to do

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6. Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves, Speed) vs 11. Bodhi (Patrick Swayze, Point Break)

Fist-fighting in the hold of a soaring Cessna, it appeared that Traven might have the upper-hand on Bodhi. That is until makeshift pilot Annie Porter (she does it all) radioed from the cockpit that she’d discovered a bomb wired to explode if the plane lost altitude. With Traven rushing to defuse the bomb, Bodhi grabbed a parachute and made a hasty escape. With his mastery of different colored wires, Traven was able to easily defuse the bomb and dove out of the plane after Bodhi, sans parachute. But, it takes awhile to defuse a bomb, and Bodhi had already safely floated back to Earth, leaving Traven nothing to latch onto.

WINNER:  Bodhi, via Traven lacking Johnny Utah’s sense of timing

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7. Wong Fei-hung (Jet Li, Once Upon a Time in China) vs 10. Riley Hale (Christian Slater, Broken Arrow)

After his attempts to secure an experimental B-3 Stealth Bomber for the tournament proved unsuccessful, Riley Hale found himself with little back up to bring to this fight. His spirits were lifted when Wong Fei-Hung showed up with an arsenal of everyday items such as an umbrella, a fan, and a wooden pole, figuring these played nicely into Hale’s highly improvisational style. While Hale was able to get his hands on every weapon at one time or another, he was unable to break through Wong’s defenses. Wong repeatedly disarmed Hale before leveling his foe with a flurry of umbrella strikes.

WINNER:  Wong Fei-hung, via umbrella attacks

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8. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs, etc) vs 9. Joe Hallenbeck (Bruce Willis, The Last Boy Scout)

Depressed gumshoe Joe Hallenback was surprised to find his notorious serial killer opponent handcuffed and helpless before the fight had even begun. It would’ve only taken one of Hallenback’s murderous nose-through-brain uppercuts to end this fight but, with Hannibal not seeming like a threat, and with therapy being one of the terms for reconciliation with his ex-wife, Hallenback decided to let Lecter pick his brain. After a two hour session wherein Lecter clinically dissected Joe, probing his feelings of worthlessness and misanthropy, Hallenback was deeply shaken. He asked Lecter for a cigarette, which the good doctor kindly supplied. Hallenback was in the middle of his first drag when it occurred to him that a handcuffed man shouldn’t be able to hand him anything. By then, the scalpel was already slicing into his jugular.

WINNER:  Hannibal Lecter, via psychoanalysis

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4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man) vs 13. John Mason (Sean Connery, The Rock)

With his superior planning skills, John Mason was able to get the drop on Simon Phoenix, nearly ending the fight early with a concentrated burst from his Colt XM177. However, Phoenix is adept at finding cover from automatic weapon fire, and narrowly escaped. A game of cat-and-mouse ensued, with Phoenix trying to get in close and Mason using his knowledge of Oscar Wilde and lines about fucking prom queens to hopefully distract Phoenix. Despite being amused by the old man’s banter, a department that stiff John Spartan was always lacking in, it was only a matter of time before Phoenix was able to pin down Mason, disarm him with his encyclopedic knowledge of hand-to-hand combat, and bludgeon him to death for the victory.

WINNER:  Simon Phoenix, via combat download

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5. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, etc) vs 12. Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey, The Usual Suspects)

A common criminal would have likely been terrified to go into combat against the mythical Keyser Soze’s civilian personality due to the macabre stories celebrating his ruthless and cold-blooded tactics, but Sarah Connor’s had her bloodline threatened by much more impressive foes, like time traveling robots. As Connor charged fearlessly and foolishly into battle with her machine gun blazing, Kint retreated into the shadows, waiting for an opportunity to execute the human freedom fighter at point blank range. Even in Kint’s sights, Connor’s erratic, wild-eyed behavior made her a difficult target. Kint’s first shot nailed her in the shoulder and dropped her to the ground. Kint stepped from the shadows to make sure Connor knew the face of her executioner only to watch the mother of the human uprising draw her sidearm and send a bullet directly into the kingpin’s forehead.

WINNER: Sarah Connor, via Kint’s obsession with his own legend

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3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc) vs 14. Tyler Durden (Edward Norton, Fight Club)

Chan Ka Kui, himself a defensive fighter, had never met an opponent quite like Tyler Durden. Chan barely broke a sweat dodging the punches of the enthusiastic but unskilled brawler. However, much to Chan’s dismay, every counterstrike he employed seemed to be enjoyed by Durden. Confused by his opponent’s appreciation of pain, and disconcerted by the American’s various nihilistic slogans that don’t translate well at all, Chan decided to go on the offensive. Durden, knowing he had little chance against the fast feet and explosive fists of his smaller opponent, began to consider how he would spin this beating into a lesson for his legion of unfulfilled middleclass white male followers, but couldn’t come up with anything clever before slipping into unconsciousness.

WINNER:  Chan Ka Kui, via not wanting to be punched

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That leaves us with the following battles in the the second round:

PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY ROUND 2

1. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon 3, etc) vs 8. Melvin Smiley (Mark Wahlberg, The Big Hit)

4. The Wagner Twins (Jean-Claude Van Damme (x2), Double Impact) vs 5. The Jackal (Bruce Willis, The Jackal)

3. Leon (Jean Reno, Leon) vs 6. Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat, Hard Boiled)

7. Charlie Baltimore (Geena Davis, The Long Kiss Goodnight) vs 15. Johnny Rico (Casper Van Dien, Starship Troopers)

OMEGA SECTOR ROUND 2

1. Harry Tasker (Arnold Schwarzenegger, True Lies) vs 8. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins, Silence of the Lambs, etc)

4. Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes, Demolition Man) vs 5. Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, etc)

3. Chan Ka Kui (Jackie Chan, Supercop, etc) vs 11. Bodhi (Patrick Swayze, Point Break)

2. Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves) vs 7. Wong Fei-hung (Jet Li, Once Upon a Time in China)

So how did you do?

If you’re the one person that selected Verbal Kint as Tournament Champion, the answer is pretty bad. No one else lost a champion today, but some brackets did lose Final Four selections, including a pair of predictors that apparently interpret mountain climbing as the most badass of extreme sports (killing people for money is way more extreme).

The most common missed selection so far in the first round was Johnny Rico. Only 29% of readers had the guts to pick the #15 seed to upset.

As it happens, that Johnny Rico upset was the only winner our defending prediction champion Zook missed so far. Zook, coming off a dominant performance in last year’s 80s Tournament, throws down the gauntlet for all Culture Blues readers, daring them to pry his prognosticator scepter (yes, there’s a scepter) from his cold dead hands. Congratulations, Zook, on another glorious start!

The average score so far is hovering at around 12 points, with a low score of 8. Here’s a look at the current leaders (champions in bold):

LEADERBOARD
(1) Zook (Chan Ka Kui, Ethan Hunt, Martin Riggs, El Mariachi) – 15 pts
(2-t) John A (Leon, Ghost Dog, Hannibal Lecter, John McClane) – 14 pts
(2-t) Snob (Ethan Hunt, Leon, Hannibal Lecter, William Munny) – 14 pts
(3-t) Carlos (William Munny, Simon Phoenix, Porter, Tequila) – 13 pts
(3-t) Christian T (Leon, Doc Holliday, Sarah Connor, William Munny) – 13 pts
(3-t) Giovanny (Ethan Hunt, Simon Phoenix, The Wagner Twins, Ellen Ripley) – 13 pts
(3-t) MPC (Casey Ryback, Simon Phoenix, Martin Riggs, John McClane) – 13 pts
(3-t) Quick (El Mariachi, Robin of Locksley, Doc Holliday, Tequila) – 13 pts
(3-t) Steve P (Leon, John McClane, Harry Tasker, El Mariachi) – 13 pts

Upset about Verbal Kint’s loss? (we know 25% of you are) Want to start stumping for your champion now that the field is cleared? Have an opinion on the hotly contested and hugely important Lecter vs Tasker 2^nd Round battle? Tell us in the comments!

Tagged as: 90s action movies, badass tournament, hypothetical fighting, who would win in a fight