Culture Blues

The 90s Badass Tournament: Langley Preview

The Tournament pits 64 of the most badass characters from 90s cinema against one another in a single elimination tournament.

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Important Links:
Introduction and Rules
#1 Seeds
The Omega Sector Preview
Langley Preview
Pacific Coast Highway Preview
USS Missouri Preview

Tournament pundits have already tipped Langley as the weakest of the four regions, a designation that can't sit well with the hero-sized egos that populate this field. In a direct contrast to Omega Sector's overabundance of psycho-killers, Langley is heavily weighted toward super-cops or noble dudes with strict moral codes. Maybe it's that stink of inherent goodness that makes Langley seem less threatening than the other regions, but with  Ethan Hunt at the top of the bracket and an 80s Tournament top seed slipping in at a #3, the Tournament Champion might just come from this region.

1. Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, Mission Impossible, etc) vs 16. Cliff Secord (Bill Campbell, The Rocketeer)

You have to think there’s a part of Ethan Hunt that admires Cliff Secord’s gadget skills. Don’t sleep on a dude wearing a rocket-pack, no matter how early the model. While Secord is a 16 seed that might have given some of the other top draws trouble, he seems like a long shot against Hunt, a competitor with a penchant for high tech trickery and the limitless budget of a super-spy outfit arming him.

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8. Porter (Mel Gibson, Payback) vs 9. John Hatcher (Steven Seagal, Marked for Death)

Hatcher battles voodoo-practicing drug dealers while Porter takes on sophisticated crime lords that are more comfortable in offices than the streets, but both know what it takes to topple a far-reaching crime syndicate. Hatcher's skill with firearms, hand to hand combat and bladed weapons would seem to give him the upper hand here, but Porter has survived gunshots, beatings, and slashings. The difference in this one could be as slight as a tightly packed roll of coins.

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5. John Cutter (Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57) vs 12. Lyon Gaultier (Jean-Claude Van Damme, Lionheart)

John Cutter advises to always bet on black, but no one ever went broke betting on the Lionheart, just ask all those guys in the parking garage. Lionheart is a pure tournament fighter, armed with a lot of one on one experience and a knack for sizing up opponents, and then taking a bunch of punishment until they crumble. The big questions are whether he can get a bead on Cutter's erratic behavior, and if Cutter will let him live long enough to make his stirring, come-from-behind victory.

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4. Cameron Poe (Nic Cage, Con Air) vs 13. Jake Lo (Brandon Lee, Rapid Fire)

Make sure to bet the over on "kicks to the face" in this battle of the rhyming last names. Both men are capable of picking up guns, but this one seems destined to be settled by some furious westernized martial arts. It's Jake Lo's ability to turn his environment into a weapon (be it end table, barbecue fork, or freezer door) versus Poe's ability to make everything blow up a lot. These two honor bound heroes may not want to fight each other, but they have to.

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6. Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer, Tombstone) vs 11. Sam (Robert De Niro, Ronin)

The Doc may have ended up a lawman, and Sam may be a samurai without a master, but at their core these two are hired guns. Men without interests beyond personal gain. Men perfectly suited to leave their baggage at the door and reach hard for the brass ring in this tournament. Sam has much bigger guns (including a rocket launcher), but Holliday is one of the fastest draws in the annals of history. Look out for interference from Sam's French running buddy and a whole family of Earps.

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3. John McClane (Bruce Willis, Die Hard: With a Vengeance, etc) 14. Lornette Mason (Angela Bassett, Strange Days)

Last year, McClane was a #1 seed and a heavy favorite, up until he ran afoul of Dutch Schaefer in the Elite Eight. The disrespect of dropping to a #3 can’t sit well with the curmudgeonly copper, and many tournament pundits speculate that the slight will result in McClane attacking this region with a vengeance. His opponent is Lornette Mason, a tough-as-nails bodyguard with a specialization in beating down corrupt cops. Rumor has it that Mason refused a SQUID training program that might have better prepared her for her battle with McClane on moral grounds. We’ve seen some of the greatest minds of our generation ruined by SQUID, so we’re sympathetic to Mason’s decision, even if it might cost her this fight.

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7. Hawkeye (Daniel Day-Lewis, Last of the Mohicans) vs 10. Mike Lowry (Will Smith, Bad Boys, etc)

A classic tournament odd couple. On one side: Hawkeye, perhaps one of the noblest contenders in the field, a master survivalist, and a deadly foe in close combat. On the other side: Mike Lowry, a dude with guns. Traditionally, entrants that favor edged weapons over automatic weapons have not fared well when faced with futuristic fire power. Hawkeye’s best chance here is to take Lowry out quickly. Otherwise, he’ll be dead before he can repack his musket.

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2. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone, Demolition Man) vs 15. Mickey Knox (Woody Harrelson, Natural Born Killers)

The liberator of San Angeles, John Spartan’s specialty is bringing the criminally insane to justice, even if it costs him a few thousand credits in verbal morality fines. The idea of sending a maniac to catch a maniac holds especially true in Spartan’s first round match-up with Mickey Knox. With his body count reaching over 50, a number that even Simon Phoenix would be proud of, Knox isn’t an opponent to be taken lightly. It remains to be seen what role, if any, Knox’s equally psychotic wife Mallory might play in what promises to be an extremely gruesome first round contest.

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With half the field now revealed, which 90s action icons are still missing? How do you feel about John McClane slipping to a #3 seed? And what about Demolition Man - fronting a #2 and #4 seed - do either John Spartan or Simon Phoenix have a chance to become Tournament Champion?

Tagged as: 90s action movies, badass tournament, who would win in a fight