Culture Blues

How to Photograph Your Abortion Billboard

I think a strongly worded e-mail probably would've gone over better.

By now, you’ve probably come across the case of New Mexican jerk Greg Fultz, the latest in viral free speech stories about truly awful people. Treading in the hoof prints of the Westboro Baptist Church’s recent repulsive (yet necessary – I guess?) Supreme Court victory, former Wal-Mart greeter turned anti-choice activist Fultz purchased the above billboard to get revenge on his ex-girlfri—OH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO DROP THAT SILHOUETTE BABY!

Jesus dude, that is no way to hold your pretend baby. And that sinister look – like Penn Jillette about to perform a particularly nefarious magic trick – I think that’s got to accomplish the opposite of whatever those Baby Einstein CDs do. Your phantom baby is terrified.

At first glance, I thought this was a Photoshop of a picture that Fultz had laying around, like he spent a lonely night blasting Avenged Sevenfold and searching Facebook for tagged photos of him weirdly gripping stuff. I wondered, what could Fultz have been holding in that original picture?

Some possibilities:
-Falafel
-Box set of the Saw DVDs
-A baby armadillo (they have those in New Mexico, right?)

But then, I noticed the playground in the background. Did Fultz go to the local playground to stage this photo? Seriously? If so, who took the picture? One of his buddies? Do you think he explained why they were snapping candids next to the twisty slide?

Fultz:  Help me out, dude. It’s for my abortion billboard.

Friend:  Uhhhh.

Fultz:  15 minutes, tops.

Friend:  Is this about what’s-her-name?

Fultz:  She said she didn’t like my ponytail!

How many pics do you think they snapped before they settled on this one? Were there any that Fultz dismissed as too creepy? I bet there were a lot of botched shots where he clenched his fists. Probably couldn’t help it – that imaginary baby just wouldn’t stop crying.

I hope Fultz’s future girlfriends – and they’ll likely be numerous – keep his performance on this billboard in mind before they let him shove a baby into them. Clearly, he has no idea how to take care of a child.

Anyway, dudes be baby crazy AM I RIGHT?