Culture Blues

Let’s Review Priest!

As the Culture Blues Intern, it is my duty to record the post-screening discussions of my editors, so that they're not required to "sell out" and write actual cogent criticism.

Jeremiah is trying on hockey masks for tonight’s Friday the 13^th Murder Mixer when Jeff enters.

Jeff Hart: I’m here to churn out a review of Priest!

Jeremiah White:  Huh? I thought you were going to do that on your phone during the subway ride back to the office. Didn’t you say something about movies that delay their critic screenings until Friday afternoon not deserving proper reviews?

Yeah, because these are proper reviews.

Jeff: True. My original plan was to text out a rambling panning of Priest on my phone while making random observations about people on the subway. Would’ve been a good day for it too – some guys performed a scene from Romeo & Juliet on my train car that ended with them getting yelled at by an angry old lady.

Jeremiah: Uh huh. Sounds interesting.

Jeff: But then I ended up liking Priest.

Jeremiah:  You’re kidding.

Jeff:  No.

Jeremiah:  Like, ironically?

Jeff:  No! I can understand the film’s handlers wanting to hide it from critics for as long as possible – it’s definitely a dumb popcorn movie, but it’s enthusiastic, fun, and outside of a cheesy overreliance on super slow-mo during action sequences, Priest does everything a franchise starter should.

Jeremiah:  I’m shocked. This is the same director and star that brought us that horrible Legion movie with the ice cream truck angels, right?

Jeff:  Yes. It’s the reteaming of director Scott Charles Stewart and star Paul Bettany that absolutely no one had any reason to be excited about. On paper, it’s very similar to Legion, what with its derivative high concept premise – instead of angels, now humanity is fighting vampires! – steeped in unwieldy mythology. Except, unlike Legion which gets bogged down in examining the half-baked details of its silly world, Priest steps on the gas from its opening scenes. Stewart gets all the mythology out of the way in the first few minutes with a stylish animated intro that tosses the audience into his world. From there on, it’s Paul Bettany riding a motorcycle through the desert killing creatures.

Jeremiah:  So there’s a dystopian future-city lorded over by The Church and outside its walls is a post-apocalyptic wasteland riddled with vampires. And Paul Bettany is a warrior priest that needs to save humanity from Karl Urban. That pretty much the gist of it?

Jeff:  Pretty much.

Jeremiah:  Doesn’t sound great.

Jeff:  Well, it’s not great. But it’s a lot of fun. Stewart borrows liberally from across the genre spectrum – he’s got his Orwellian church and his punk-western wasteland. He’s got a hero with a tortured past in Bettany, his plucky sidekick in Cam Gigandet, and a badass chick in Maggie Q. He’s got an uber-cool villain in the joyously evil Urban, whose character is actually called Black Hat. One-dimensional as these characters might be, they each have easily grasped motivations that go beyond helping or hindering the hero. It keeps things interesting as Priest sprints forward. There’s nothing original here, it’s all borrowed material. But sometimes a film can slap together a bunch of really awesome elements and end up almost awesome itself via osmosis.

Jeremiah:  Awesome? Really?

Jeff:  Sure – why not? It’s mindless summer fare to be certain, and it’s highly derivative, but it’s also a world I wouldn’t mind revisiting. It hooked me enough that I’d go see Priest sequel. It’s clear they want to start a franchise here, although I’d say that’s unlikely if it doesn’t perform well this weekend.

Jeremiah:  So you’re encouraging people to go see Priest so that newly crowned Scott Charles Stewart #1 fan Jeff Hart can get to see a sequel.

Jeff:  Yes! I want to see what happens next. Also, unlike some other recent franchise offerings this summer, Priest never drags. Probably because it’s only 80 minutes long.

Jeremiah:  80 minutes? Sold!

Jeff:  It is proof positive that movies are better when they’re shorter. And when they don’t give you time to think about what you’re watching.

Tagged as: paul bettany, priest review, scott charles stewart, vampires from the future