Culture Blues

Google Us: Tekken Edition

You might not realize this, but every time you type some innocuous query into a search engine weirdos like Jeff can see it. In Google Us, Jeff spends hours combing through Google Analytics data to answer some of the popular search queries that are bringing visitors to Culture Blues.

Tekken Blues: Coming Soon

Tekken Movie
Fun Culture Blues fact:  6% of our search engine traffic so far in the month of March has been Tekken related. There are serious discussions happening behind the scenes about changing over to an all Tekken website. Give the people what they want, right? Here’s a fan video that Jeremiah and I made (I’m Paul Phoenix, Jeremiah is all the Asian ones):

I’m lying, we obviously didn’t make that video. We don’t have the wig budget. But, that fan clip will have to tide you over because after hours of exhaustive research, I still haven’t found a US release date for auteur Dwight Little’s Tekken movie. It’s been out in Japan for over a year though, so if you’re an internet savvy Tekken fan – and you obviously are, if you followed Google here – I’m sure you could find a way to “import” a copy.

"is that glass bullet proof?" "no sir"
I think it says a lot about me and how my life is going that I feel an honest sense of accomplishment when someone searching Independence Day quotes comes to our website.

10 Most Interesting Cultures
Sure!
10)  Icelandic
9)  Falkland Islands
8)  Korean
7)  Biker
6)  Ozark
5)  Mayan
4)  Canadian
3)  Venezuelan
2)  French
1)  Mongolian

Gay penis defense
What exactly do you think this person was searching for? A way to defend his penis from the attacking hordes of gays? Or is the penis in question already gay and in need of a defense for that behavior? Is this a martial art that I’m not aware of?

Algorithms for a successful film
Successful Film = (Violence – Blood) + (Sex – Penetration)/Nicolas Cage

Best Movies to Watch When You’re Having Anxiety
I don’t think watching movies when you’re having anxiety is necessarily the best idea. What you want to do is dim the lights, put on some gentle music, and maybe drape a warm washcloth over your eyes. Just let the day melt away. If that fails, maybe pop in Requiem for a Dream.

Is there really such a job as consultant as The Mentalist?
Yeah, probably. I’m sure cops hire consultants all the time, but probably on a one-off basis. Like if there’s a serial killer that leaves behind chess problems that will reveal his next victim, the cops might call in a former child chess prodigy to help solve that case. That’s actually the plot of a screenplay I’m working on. Please don’t steal it.

Anyway, you can’t just sign up to be a The Mentalist. You have to have a marketable skill. If I’m reading this IMDB page correctly, The Mentalist used to be a charlatan psychic before he started consulting for the police. Learn how to cold-read people and you’re qualified to do pretty much anything. Now is anyone Google searching for answers regarding their dead son? E-mail me.