Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

“Interview” – will.i.am

Sometimes, we ask our intern to go get interviews with newsworthy people. When he inevitably fails, we let him repurpose clips from other interviews into something that toes the line of original content.

will.i.am - Intel's New Director of Creative Innovation

Culture Blues: Oh, hey, wil.li.am! Did I pronounce that right?

will.i.am: I try not to get real technical.

Culture Blues: Awesome! Congratulations on being named Intel’s Director of Creative Innovation!

will.i.am: It's pretty cool. Pretty dope.

Culture Blues: Do you have a feeling that the job’s going to be a good job?

will.i.am: I'm waking up around 11 o'clock, going to meetings, talking about technology, whatever.

Culture Blues: That sounds pretty rad.

will.i.am: I want to really push the boundaries.

Culture Blues: Oh, really? What creative innovations have you had so far?

will.i.am: Why not have a smartphone that is your microphone?

Culture Blues: Ehh.

will.i.am: A black dude came up with that?

Culture Blues: I don’t know. There’s probably, like, an app for it.

will.i.am: Now we’re in a whole new technological age.

Culture Blues: Hasn’t Intel just been making the same boring computer chips since the 80s? But, like, progressively smaller?

will.i.am: Well, the 1980s was the beginning of everything we have now—computers, high-def TV, the Internet, etc. But it also shows you that we’re still in our infancy. No matter how advanced you think we are, it’s really just the beginning.

Culture Blues: Will your new microchips have pervasive radio play?

will.i.am: If your only trick is utilizing media, then you run the risk of overexposure. But if your trick is making something good, then all you’ve done is give people something they like. If your creativity outweighs the exposure, then there’s nothing wrong with that. I just call it connecting on a really big level.

Culture Blues: Sort of like how Apple outweighs their fascist business practices by making everyone think they can be a more creative happy person by purchasing more istuff. That’s what you envision for Intel going forward?

will.i.am: I always knew that one day I would exit this cage of my own thinking and dream up things for three minutes and video.

Culture Blues: Oh, so better commercials too. I think you should make a microchip that lets me put my own soundtrack into movies.

will.i.am: Like, you know, when you watch Lord of the Rings, or 300, you're like –

Culture Blues: I’m like damn! This music sucks!

will.iam: Or even Harry Potter.

Culture Blues: No, that’s got some pretty good music. Snape’s Theme, for starters.

will.i.am: That's like some imaginative fantasy shit.

Culture Blues: But yeah, like you I’m really into ruining stuff with music, so I’d definitely like to change the score of Lord of the Rings to like, I don’t know, some Parliament Funkadelic.

will.i.am: Parliament Funkadelic is the perfect example. How come nobody's done that? How come nobody's fused Parliament Funkadelic's crazy opera funk, soul...whatever that shit was...with some visuals like Lord of the Rings. But for black people.

Culture Blues: You get me. Anyway, what’s your stance on killer robots?

will.i.am: Crime and violence are the easiest emotions to reenact.

Culture Blues: Probably! I think a potential robot takeover is one of the biggest threats facing America today—

will.i.am: There are five issues that make a fist of a hand that can knock America out cold. They’re lack of jobs, obesity, diabetes, homelessness, and lack of good education. Those things are messing up America, and no one seems to be talking about them!

Culture Blues: You’re totally right. Neither party wants to talk about the lack of jobs. I watched the State of the Union last night and didn't hear that mentioned at all.

will.i.am: Since red and blue make purple, why not unite, because scientifically speaking, purple is the fastest light. If they were to come together, they’d be faster and more powerful.

Culture Blues: That’s what I’ve been saying!

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