Culture Blues

Kathy Griffin, Please Shut the Fuck Up

I had a really snarky caption to write here, but I don't want to be ironic. So in the spirit of drawing the line between comedy and meanness, I'm going to shut the fuck up.

Two recent stories in the news have me thinking about the fine line between humor and meanness. I think there's a difference between them, do you?

Exhibit A: Kathy Griffin hosts VH1’s Divas Salute the Troops and jokes that Bristol Pail has gained so much weight during Dancing With The Stars that she’d become the “white Precious.”

Exhibit B: Chelsea Handler rants about Angelina Jolie, saying, "She's a homewrecker, she is. She gives interviews, 'I don't have a lot of female friends.' Because you're a fucking cunt. You’re a fucking bitch.”

First of all, I don’t think Chelsea or Kathy are funny, and I wish there were more female comedians who relied on humor and creativity instead of meanness, like Tina Fey or Jane Lynch. But in my mind, Kathy Griffin crossed the line (again), and Chelsea Handler did not. Ignoring the fact that Handler’s joke comes a little late, she did what good comedians do—highlight truths with humor. Even if Angelina Jolie didn’t wreck Brad Pitt’s marriage, there is truth in the fact that certain women can’t make female friends because the only thing important to them is male validation, or they think they’re so hot that anyone who doesn’t like them is jealous. And they say, “I don’t have a lot of friends” and don’t get why. The reason Handler’s response was funny was because it didn’t necessarily have anything to do with Jolie—it was a snark that holds true for many women. It wasn’t about celebrity, it was about human nature. Handler should stick to that.

With all the bullshit centered around Bristol Palin right now (her hypocritical teen pregnancy and DWTS voting scandals, without even mentioning Palin's mother) 46-year-old Griffin chose to low-blow the 20-year-old’s body. If we want to talk about body image, we should be aiming our criticism at a woman who has had numerous plastic surgeries and liposuctions and follows what she calls a “starvation diet” to keep her boyish figure, not a new teen mother who has a perfectly normal body type. Griffin's comment also was a shit-slinger to all Gabourey Sidibe fans, too. And anyone who argues that comparing Palin to Precious is complimentary is wrong—that was not Griffin’s intention.

Griffin offended the Catholic church (by grabbing her Emmy in 2007, saying, “A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. All I can say is suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now!”) which didn’t offend me as a Catholic, it offended me as someone who enjoys comedy. Make me laugh for real, Kathy Griffin. I beg of you.

She has been banned from Jay Leno, Conan O’Brien, Regis and Kelly, Letterman, Ellen, and the bitch got rebanned from The View because she bashed Barbara Walters. She’s not allowed back to host E!’s red-carpet award show coverage after saying Dakota Fanning was entering rehab. She’s been kicked out of the Apollo for making fun of (originality alert) the Octomom. She called Scott Brown’s teen daughters (?) prostitutes. And she’s on CNN’s shit list after spewing profanities on the live New Year’s Eve show after producers and anchors begged her—begged her—to keep things PG for one evening. She could. Not. Do it. If you can't make people laugh without swearing and making lame jokes about ridiculous celebrities, you're not talented.

If any of this stuff was funny, I’d be sitting here thinking Thank God For Comedy and Eff the Man Who Wants To Get In Kathy Griffin's Way. But instead I’m thinking, Kathy Griffin, Please Shut the Fuck Up. In the Sophie’s Choice of who-sucks-more, Griffin’s managed to get me to defend mother-fucking Bristol Palin and I’m starting to think I’ve lost my mind.

When celebrity-bashers like Griffin and Handler get criticized for making low blows, they say they make fun of everyone so nobody should take it personally. While I don’t think Handler should have been reprimanded for her attack on Angelina Jolie, generally I think snarking on celebrities for obvious things is something comedians do when they’re too lazy to think. In response to critics defending Jolie, Handler said, “I've been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother.” Whatever. You are a comedian. All we ask is that you are funny and original. That’s it. And when you take lazy blows at celebrities, you accomplish neither. If it’s not funny, don’t do it.

Griffin, let’s not forget, could be seen on camera after her appearance on Jay Leno crying her eyes out when Leno teased her about her photo shoot with model Carmen Electra, saying it looked like a before-and-after photo. I know that women in media are held to higher standards for physical perfection than men, but I bet if you teased Leno about his appearance, he’d laugh right along with you. If Griffin wants to change that double standard, she should stop making it worse.

I wish Kathy Griffin could be fired, but since it's clear she will never, ever shut the fuck up, there is not much I can do. Bitching about her doesn't work, I have been doing that for years and her hold on our culture is only becoming stronger. So starting now, I’m going to stop talking about her and watching her “television shows” and listening to her stand-up. Never saying the words “Kathy Griffin” again. Starting now. Shut the fuck up, Kathy Griffin. I mean it. Starting... now.