Culture Blues

NFL Week 1 From the Other Side of the Hype

NFL football has returned, and so too has that mid-week malaise that makes Sunday seem so far away.  It’s a little shocking when, all of a sudden, we so badly want it to be Sunday. Even with the baseball playoff race there for entertainment between Sundays, I find myself delving into football Power Ranking explanations and “Free Agents to Add” features on Yahoo!’s fantasy site while stealing quick glances at the Phillies game.

There aren’t too many sporting events with more build-up than NFL Week 1, and anytime there's a lot of hype, it 's fun to look retrospectively at the event from the flip side.  So, without further ado, here are the key points I took away from Week 1 of the NFL Season:

Injuries Crush Hopes:

You forget what a vicious game it is until Week 1 returns. Sure, there are some hard hits in pre-season, but chances are you missed them because frankly eight hours of TLC programming is more appealing than three penalty-ridden minutes of preseason football. Plus the guys who get decapitated in those games weren’t going to make the team anyway.

There’s a reason George Carlin likened the NFL to war, and Week 1 is basically like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. Leading up to the opening kickoff, there is so much discussion in the abstract.  You spend hours sitting on the couch with a buddy, looking at your favorite team’s schedule. That’s a win. That’s a loss. I say 8-8.  I say 10-6.  I think our receivers are gonna be off the hook.  I think our run game is gonna dominate.

Then, reality hits and, by 2:00pm on the first Sunday, you’ve lost half the team to season-ending injuries.  All predictions go out the window. You and your friend sit on the same couch Google-ing veteran left tackles that haven’t been signed by a team in 3 years.

Just to give you an idea, check out this excerpt from Monday’s edition of the local Philadelphia paper:

"In other injuries, Antwan Barnes has a wrist strain, Mike Bell has a toe strain, Brodrick Bunkley has an ankle sprain, Todd Herremans has an ankle sprain, Trevor Laws has an oblique strain and Jason Peters has a knee sprain."

If you can believe it, this sentence actually served as a brief addendum to an article that detailed the two horrific season-ending injuries and two concussions, suffered by four other starting players on the team.

Week 1’s Monday Night Football was a Tease:

What do I have to do to get the NFL to start all the Monday Night games at 7pm EST?? God, it’s so much better. The Ravens-Jets game, which began the MNF doubleheader, gave us a glimpse of how glorious it could be.

I think I can count on one finger the number of MNF games I watched till the end last year.  MNTMF—as it should be called—even with the intrigue of a final drive to accompany a midnight snack, is really no match for the persistent Monday hangover. Even if one team is only beating the other by a single point at halftime, I’m chalking that W up to the leader and going to bed. So what if I miss a good finish, at least I won’t need a 55 Oz. coffee in order get through my morning at work.

In the Scope of Things, The Wheel is No. 1, NFL Red Zone Channel Is No. 2

I’m at my giddiest when this channel is on in my house.  No commercials. Double-box feature showing two plays at once. A non-stop seesaw of highlights and live feeds. At one point, I literally had to piss badly for 35 minutes before I found an appropriate opportunity to get up and make it happen.

Not to mention the added suspense of hoping two crucial plays are snapped simultaneously; it’s like the Dunder Mifflin staff waiting for that icon to hit the corner.

I’m a true Red Zone missionary though.  As much as I love the guidance it gives my life, nothing is better than enlightening others who’ve never seen it, especially if those people play fantasy football.  Speaking of fantasy, there’s nothing funnier than staring at the screen as a play is about to begin, and just simply shouting the last name of one of your players, vocalizing your desire for your absurdly-named fantasy team’s success.

One of my favorite moments from Sunday:

Commentator: And the Broncos face a 3rd down here in the red zone, looking for a score.  Kyle Orton under center.

Roommate: GAFFNEY! GAFFNEY!

Commentator: Orton back to pass, and he finds an open receiver in the back of the end zone. JABAR GAFFNEY with the score!

Roommate: Yes! (Turns head to me) You know I have Gaffney on my fantasy squad.

Me: I sure as fuck hope so, or you have some serious problems.

Last thing about the NFL Red Zone channel, I love how they kept referring to it as Red Zone Season 2 on Sunday, as if  Season 1 is available on DVD and Blu-Ray. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Dude, you gotta check out Season 1, Week 12 at around 3:05pm.  Three INTs returned for TDs, two one-handed grabs in the end zone, and a blocked FG within 90 seconds, that shit has serious replay value.

The Surprise of All Surprises

The opening week is always full of surprises, and this year had its share. Kansas City beat San Diego, the Pats-Bengals game was over in a heartbeat, LaDainian Tomlinson looked younger than Shonn Greene.

But was anything more ironic than the fact that a black guy named Arian had the sickest stat line of all? If so, it was that me, the Jew, had him starting in multiple fantasy leagues. In your face! Bring on Week 2!

Tagged as: because aryan nation get it?, football is back, michael vick era, nfl red zone, week 1