Culture Blues

Two Shows Enter: The Bloodsucker Bowl

In Two Shows Enter, Ben Van Iten finally confronts the TV shows he has been making ignorant assumptions about for years.  His scoring system is inherently biased towards Team Jacob.

 

 

I have seen the first Twilight movie, and I wasn’t all that impressed. I realize I am not part of its target market, but the whole concept seemed like such a cheap money grab to me from the books on up. Vampires have always been crazy sex fiends, but only recently have they become poetry reading cuddle bugs. Maybe this is just evolution as they find new ways to get into the pants of modern women, but it just doesn’t sit well with me. So in the tradition of this column, I have decided to punish myself by watching two television shows about vampires. I have heard good things about True Blood and have only groaned at Vampire Diaries commercials. The former has positive critical reception; the latter seems only too happy to scoop up sloppy seconds from women who masturbate to the Twilight movies. The outcome seems clear, but as Fringe’s upset over The X-Files showed us, anything can happen in the Two Shows Enter arena.

Here’s what people have been saying about the  first annual Two Shows Enter Bloodsucker Bowl:

“Hey ladies. So, who is on team Damon? Anyone? Fuck.” – Ian Somerhalder, Actor (Vampire Diaries)

“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” – that teenage girl down the street.

The Vampire Diaries

Before doing any research into this show, I had a theory. I envisioned someone pitching this idea to the network as a bunch of young people falling in and out of love with each other, and stirring up drama. The distinguished folks at the CW said, “not interested” and the creators came back with “but what if they were vampires!” The suits huddled for a few moments and then announced, “now you’re cooking with gas.” But it turns out this show is based on a series of novels where, and brace yourself for this, a human woman falls in love with a vampire and then ends up in a love triangle! Well, someone drive a stake through my heart now, I’m going in.

-This episode is called “Let the Right One In” (-3 points). You know, like the movie. Ugh.

-One of the first sentences uttered in this episode is “Dracula was a wuss.” (-2 points)  So far this show is not endearing itself to me.

-But alas I have found something I can appreciate. When these vampires go out in the day light, they don’t sparkle! They just feel pain and potentially die. Now that’s some old school vampire shit I can believe in.  (+3 points)

-Quick breakdown. The lead character is a girl named Elena, and she is in love with a vampire named Stefan. Stefan also has a rather sinister brother named Damon who you just get the feeling might become a good guy eventually and try to win Elena’s love. Why would you get that feeling?  Because you read the spoilers on Wikipedia. Alright, let’s continue.

-In most cinema, television or books that feature outcast fantasy characters (mutants, vampires, etc) there is always a struggle over how to deal with the average humans. The Vampire Diaries is no different. There is a scene where we see two vampires with different ideologies. One of them wants to maintain peace with the outside world, and one of them wants to seek revenge on everyone. A good way to spot the latter is to look for the guy who is talking cryptically to himself and brandishing a knife.

-And holy crap out of nowhere Stefan (the nice brother) is stabbed in the guts while taking a walk in the woods! We have action.  (+2 points)

-For the record, I can spot all the vampires before they identify themselves and/or show their fangs. (-1 point)

-Here’s a campy quote from brother Damon: “How long are you going to hold it against me for turning your birth mother into a vampire?” (-6 points)  Oh, you’re the sarcastic one! Yeah, that was written into the script. And then someone said it.

-Another thing I will own up to liking, the rule that a vampire can’t go into a house unless he’s invited. (+3 points)  The best scene in the episode just might be Damon coming to save his brother from being tortured, but the owner of the house won’t let him in so he just has to watch it.  Damon’s solution is of course to lure the owner outside, and snap her neck.  See, these are solutions.  (+2 points)

-Subplot about a whiny douche who wants this girl to turn him into a vampire. It’s hard to care less about this than I do right now. (-3 points)

-A big battle ensues between vampires both good and bad, and surprisingly the action isn’t half bad.  (+1 point)

-Elena saves her hunky bloodsucker boy toy by letting him bite her wrist as he's lying on his death bed. It’s kind of an awkward scene, but not out of place.  I think I’ll just keep the score where it is.

Total Score: -4 points

Overall it was a little better than I thought it’d be.  But really, some pretty awful stuff there.

True Blood

There are a lot of reasons why I feel like this will be a better show, but at the top of that list is simply the channel that it is on. HBO doesn’t let me down very often. I’m in the middle of The Wire right now, and am more than captivated. In the past and present I have enjoyed Oz, Entourage, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Carnivale, Band of Brothers and I’m sure I’m forgetting others. My expectations aren’t exactly high, as I have struggled to find any vampire related fiction I enjoy, but I’m hopeful for some social commentary and a unique take on the genre. I will be watching the season two premiere.

-About two minutes into the run time I see that a woman has been brutally murdered and her heart has been removed. Alright! (+1 point)

-There is a very interesting dynamic at work on this show, in the sense that everyone is aware that vampires exist (+3 points). This is nice, as we don’t have to waste time on the obligatory “This can’t be happening!  There’s no such thing as vampires!” business.

-One thing that is bugging me early on is how uneven the performances seem. Some of the actors are playing it straight, and some are just being over the top campy (-2 points). I don’t mind the campy stuff, I feel like it has its place in this genre, but the shift in tone is kind of disorienting.

-The good news is Rogue from the X-Men movies (Anna Paquin) is on this show (+1 point). The bad news is she seems to be in a love triangle as well. Hey, why the fuck not! (-5 points)

-One character matter of factly asks another, “Did you seriously drain a 17 year old girl?” and that’s in a nutshell the difference between this show and the last one. Despite my earlier comment about tone shifts, this line doesn’t seem ridiculous in this context somehow, or even amusing. They have built a world where you can just say shit like that and it doesn’t even make you do a double take.  (+2 points)

-My desire for political implications has been satisfied (+3 points). We see clips from a cable news talk show, where a human and a vampire are debating various issues. It kind of makes me wish Glenn Beck would do a cameo, break out his chalk board, and just get nuts about the vampire problem.

-The direction is more visually interesting than I thought it would be.  (+2 points)  Several of the scene transitions are skillfully done, with parallels to the previous sequence just present enough where you notice, but not too obvious that you groan.

-Pretty entertaining scene where a newly confirmed vampire is being given the O challenge, and forced to try different kinds of blood to identify them (+2 point).

-One of the main plots of the show is that Anna Paquin’s character, a telepathic waitress, falls for Bill, a badass vampire. Their complete lack of chemistry is a problem (-4 points).

-We end the show as we started it, with a bunch of gore. This time we get to see the actual murder, and it is pretty intense (+2 points).

Total Score: 5 points

I was pretty confused during this one, but that doesn’t bother me. I’m watching a show out of context, and I’m glad it didn’t try to constantly dumb itself down for new viewers. But I can definitely understand how people get into True Blood, I just don’t think I’ll make the effort.

True Blood (1-0) defeats The Vampire Diaries (0-1) by a final score of 5 to -4.

Culture Blues caught up with MVP and True Blood creator Alan Ball, who had this to say: “If Mummies ever get hip, I got a show for that too. You bet your ass.”

Join me next time when two previously victorious shows make their return to the battlefield.

Was Ben too hard on the Vampire Diaries or not hard enough?  Have you ever fed on human blood?  Let us know in the comments section.

 

 

 

 

Tagged as: Alan Ball, Anna Paquin, Let the Right One In, The Vampire Diaries, There is no team Damon, True Blood, Unnecessary love triangles, Vampires don't sparkle