Culture Blues

The Emmy Awards: Liveblog Prologue

As the Culture Blues intern, my duties require that I record transcripts of all meetings between Culture Blues personnel so that, as my contract stipulates, “no gems of genius slip between the cracks.” These are the results of my diligence.

Mr. Hart paces around his office, temporarily renamed the Culture Blues Emmy Liveblog War Room. He is wearing his official The Closer sun visor. Mr. Van Iten is slouching and looking petulant.

Mr. Hart: EMMY FEVER BEN! Can you feel it?

Mr. Van Iten: No.

Mr. Hart points his official Friday Night Lights foam finger in Mr. Van Iten's face.

Mr. Hart: I thought I told you to bring the chick and the black guy. Our liveblog spectacular is only a few days away. We have to start planning our material! It's a three hour telecast and I don't plan to fall asleep like I did during the Oscars. Television is too important.

Mr. Van Iten: They couldn’t make it; something about a Silverhawks marathon. Listen, are you sure this is really going to garner interest? I never hear anyone talking about the Emmys. Plus, I don’t know what I’m going to say about all this, I’ve never even seen an episode of Mad Men.

Mr. Hart gasps.

Mr. Van Iten: Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Van Iten does a double take, perhaps trying to fathom how the visor has suddenly disappeared and been replaced by an Extreme Makeover Home Edition hard hat.

Mr. Van Iten: Is that signed by…

Mr. Hart: Xzibit.  Yes.

Mr. Van Iten: Huh.

Mr. Hart: AND EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION ISN'T EVEN NOMINATED!

Mr. Van Iten: I see they also sent you the megaphone.

Mr. Hart: YUP.

Mr. Hart inserts his official Doctor House intravenous glucose drip into the back of his hand.

Mr. Van Iten: Ok, that is really disgusting.

Mr. Hart: I don't even need it! I just like it! Okay, so I told everyone to bring five good ideas for the liveblog to this meeting, and since those other two jerks are snubbing me like I'm David Simon, you need to come up with fifteen ideas. Start now.

Mr. Van Iten: I have this one bit in mind, where I keep referring to how I’m copying and pasting from some other pop culture website's liveblog and in all actuality I’m drinking straight vodka and watching softcore porn on Cinemax.  But the more I think about it, I might actually just do that.

Mr. Hart unrolls his Law and Order SVU crime scene tape menacingly.

Mr. Van Iten: Oh yeah, that reminds me, rape jokes.

Mr. Hart: That’s kind of my thing.

Mr. Van Iten: Intern, inform the readers of my new nickname for Jeff.

Jeff “the unfair rape joke hoarder” Hart.

Mr. Hart: What does that say?

Mr. Van Iten: Nevermind. Also, maybe something with the smoke monster?

Mr. Van Iten pauses.

Mr. Van Iten: Good god that's a terrible idea.

Mr. Hart: Speaking of not terrible, check these out.

Mr. Hart tosses Mr. Van Iten a pair of boxers.

Mr. Van Iten: What show sent you underwear?

Mr. Hart: Those are Sawyer's actual boxers, dude! I paid $850 for them. You can still smell the polar bear cages.

Mr. Van Iten: So you're probably just going to talk about Lost a bunch, huh?

Mr. Hart: I'd rather not. I'm still not over that bullshit series finale. Ugh, that whole walk into the light scene was the worst.

Mr. Van Iten: Oh, what an original bit that is. You should definitely talk about that on the liveblog. Intern, make sure you write that down. Also write down that The Office has gone downhill and that SNL isn't funny anymore. Original, exciting thought going down in the Culture Blues Emmy Liveblog War Room.

Mr. Hart: Like no one has ever gone on your little Dexter tirade before.

Mr. Van Iten: WHERE DO ALL OF THESE FUCKING SERIAL KILLERS COME FROM FUCK!

Mr. Hart: If that show takes home the “Best Drama not named The Wire” award, I’m really going to lose it.

Mr. Van Iten nods and stares thoughtfully out the window as the sun peaks out from behind two clouds.  He told me to write that part “poetic as shit.”

Mr. Van Iten: Maybe we do have some things to live blog about, Jeff. Maybe, just maybe, someone will want to read it.

Inspirational music that sounds suspiciously like the old West Wing theme begins to swell in the office.

Mr. Hart: Probably not!

Mr. Van Iten: Yeah, you're right. Say, did Breaking Bad send over that chemistry set?

Mr. Hart: Oh, no. Jeremiah is just a huge meth head.

Mr. Van Iten: Ah, gotcha.

Jeff, Ben, Lauren, and Jason will be liveblogging the Emmy Awards on Sunday Night.  Join the fun and comment along with some of your favorite Culture Blues personalities!

Tagged as: Breaking Bad, Dexter, Emmy Awards, Jimmy Fallon shouldn't host anything, Law and Order SVU, Mad Men, Pimp my house, Too many serial killers, we had nothing to write about today