Culture Blues

Place your bets! Takers Is Now Up For Grabs

Always bet on black.

First of all, before I say anything else - go see Takers this weekend. I know, I'm asking a lot. In reality though, you don't need to go see Takers. You just have to buy a ticket and you'll still be doing me a big time solid. You don't even have to leave your house.

See, I own a piece of Takers. A big piece actually. Like Idris Elba, Chris Brown and 35% of T.I. big. You're probably wondering how a blogger like me with no tangible connection to Hollywood except for a Netflix account got into showbiz. Well, Takers is the first movie to be eligible for futures and option trading based on box office return in the United States, as decreed by the Commodity Futures Trading Commission. What does all that mean? Hell if I know! But my stockbroker (and the MPAA) describes it as betting the over/under on opening weekend box office receipts! Hell yeah! Basically, starting a few weeks before a movie opens you can start buying into it. Then, when the movie opens big (and it will open big because the movie industry is rock solid right now), you get paid out.

So, anyway, I figured I should jump on this thing before everyone got wind of it. I sank everything into Takers. And yes, I do realize the irony of sinking my life’s savings into a stock deal I don’t understand for a movie about a team of crooks who specialize in ludicrous and unorthodox thefts. Regardless, this is game changing stuff. That thing on IMDB that measures interest in a movie, that’s like a team’s record over the last few games or their injury report. And a movie’s budget, that’s like the team’s payroll… or something. The metaphor is starting to break down and, again, I don’t really know how this works. Exciting, right?

My advice to you, loyal readers, is two fold. First, go see Takers this weekend. It’s “smart,” “edgy,” and “the best movie ever.” Second, get in on this futures trading stuff now (this guide explains all you’ll ever need to know). The MPAA is none too happy about this ruling and possible new quasi-gambling phenomenon. They say it’s because they don’t want people tampering with opening weekend box office takes. But it’s really because the MPAA is just the big studios in disguise and they don’t want us getting into their business, benefitting from the shit they cram down our throats. The shoe’s on the other foot now, fat cats! Soon, we'll all be executive producers!