Culture Blues

“No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You to Die.”

Has the laser finally reached its target?

James Bond is in yet another jam. And this one looms even more ominously than that time Auric Goldfinger had a huge laserbeam pointed right at the secret agent’s double-ohs. The Bond franchise is on indefinite hiatus, thanks in large part to the parade of idiots running MGM. The studio has managed to wander nearly four billion bucks into the red, thus halting production of any new films, including what was supposed to be the 23^rd installment in the Bond series called…wait for it…Bond 23, in 2011.

Go figure that the studio responsible for cinematic gems like Soul Plane and Hot Tub Time Machine has gone bottoms up. If you want a good laugh, I recommend visiting MGM’s website and sifting through their feature film resume—especially the last ten or so years. Quite an incredible collection of ‘That’s actually a movie?’ titles as well as productions where acting careers clearly go to die.

Not that I, nor anyone, should feel bad for a Hollywood mega-studio burning itself to the ground, but MGM has been up for sale since November of last year and with no buyer yet, the 007 franchise is left swimming in open water. Another flick could be a long way down the road. Apparently, it’s not as simple as another studio buying the rights to the film and then just cranking it out. My nearly 20 minutes of intense internet research yielded this: the 007 franchise is owned by EON Productions, and the films are exclusively produced by Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli (daughter of Albert Broccoli, original producer of the Bond series); this exclusivity prevents any studio other than MGM from releasing a Bond film; so, unless someone ponies up the cash for the whole fiasco that is MGM, there is no more 007 to be had.

What’s disappointing is that things were looking very promising for Bond 23, with a new director at the helm in Sam Mendes (American Beauty), a script penned by the screenwriter of Frost/Nixon, and Daniel Craig returning for the title role. Not to mention, Emma Watson was slated to be the next Bond girl. Okay, I made that last part up, but you get the idea. Bond 23 was to cap a trilogy that began with Casino Royale and continued in Quantum of Solace. Now the world may never witness James getting his revenge for the death of Vespa—the only woman he ever loved, and the only one he didn’t treat like an Arby’s drive-thru meal.

I'll have a Metamucil - shaken not stirred.

Craig himself doesn’t appear too concerned with the delays. He’s currently working on the films Cowboys vs. Aliens, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Adventures of Tin Tin: The Secret of the Unicorn, and likely other projects with similarly idiotic titles. The fact that Craig is now 42 years old is a lingering issue. Granted, Sean Connery was 53 when Never Say Never Again was filmed, but the modern 007 has a hell of a lot more physical demands from his day job. If filming doesn’t start until 2012—an optimistic date—Craig will be 45 when things finally get back into gear. Those will be some pretty old double-ohs tucked into that tuxedo (I’m just going to pound this joke into the ground if it’s alright with you). And who can say how much longer Dame Judi Dench is going to be walking the Earth? She is ideal as ‘M,’ and it’s not as easy as it sounds to dig up another crotchety old British woman—at least one with genuine acting chops and a glare that could freeze a raging river.

The figure of James Bond, no matter how long the franchise has or will run, feels necessary to the action film genre. His character is an original—a template for all the tough guys, all the smooth operators that followed. I want someone to root for who isn’t Jason Statham’s bald ass. And don’t give me that Scott Pilgrim shit, either. Jason Bourne is okay; he’s tough, but all he’s ever doing is fleeing from people, like an old man cursing the world and wishing everyone would just leave him be on his front porch. He’s not proactive enough. No, what I and the youth of today need is that classic hero to fall back on—the vodka-swilling, womanizing, frighteningly-desensitized kind who spits nails but still possesses an impeccable taste in automobiles, hotels, and caviar.

While this may not be the official end of things, I’m all for sponsoring—I don’t know—a neighborhood bake sale to save James Bond. Little cookies in the shape of martini glasses and Walther PPKs. Or maybe some of us fans could get together and host a Timothy Dalton look-a-like karaoke night. Perhaps a website that courts donations from current undercover spies around the world. Anything to get the ball rolling…

Where's that ponce Roger Moore?

Still, I sense a grim future for MI6’s top agent. Knowing how Hollywood likes to operate, Bond 23 will probably come out during the summer of 2018, with a grizzled Shia LaBeouf as Bond, Tila Tequila as his mysterious love interest, and Betty White having taken over as ‘M’. Pretty frightening stuff. If Bond 23 doesn’t get made soon, what happens? At this point, it might be better to actually kill the franchise than continue with anyone other than Daniel Craig if things don’t pan out. He was the best choice to succeed Pierce Brosnan when producers opted to re-invent the franchise. The new Bond was forged with flaws: he’s not perfect-looking, his work is sometimes sloppy, he’s impulsive and he makes bad decisions, but the ingredients make him an altogether believable character. Craig exudes all of these traits with ease, along with the impression that there’s something seriously tormented behind those cold and calculating stares of his. My dad—a true 007 fan from way back—summed up the bookending of Connery and Craig in the title role quite well, noting “It’s real simple. There’s only two James Bonds. The first and the last.” And if Craig isn’t there to fill those wingtips when the time comes--hopefully before he's collecting social security--even the likes of Sam Mendes or Quentin Tarantino (who’s expressed interest in occupying the director’s chair for a film) may not be able to salvage things for the legendary super-spy and the long-running series.