Culture Blues

Let’s Review The Expendables!

Jeremiah came back to the office after his screening of The Expendables to "work late," which usually involves him setting office supplies on fire. Jeff was still busy "prepping next week's edition" (I think he was buying pants online). I was instructed to record and then post the following "off-the-cuff meeting of the minds."

Jeff:  Argh! A 36 inch inseam! What am I? A giant?

Jeff notices Jeremiah retrieving a lighter from his desk.

Jeff:  Oh hey! How was The Exterminators?

Jeremiah pauses to collect his thoughts.

Jeff:  Uh oh!

Jeremiah:  As a silly 2010 action movie that occasionally pokes fun at silly action movies and is occasionally way too serious for its own good, it's serviceable. It's worth seeing.

Jeff:  Excellent review!

Jeremiah:  I'm not done. As an all star action epic or a love letter to some bygone era, it's a failure and a little bit of a betrayal.

Jeff:  Ha! You've been betrayed! Just like The Exterminators.

Jeremiah:  That actually doesn't happen in the movie.

Jeff:  Then how were you betrayed?

Jeremiah:  Three letters. C-G-I.

Jeff:  Ugh.

At this point Jeff makes a fart noise with his mouth. Jeff and Jeremiah laugh for about 10 seconds.

Jeremiah:  Exactly.

Jeff:  I know right!

More laughter.

Jeff:  Seriously though - CGI? How much?

Jeremiah:  For an action movie in 2010, it's not bad at all. This isn't the A-Team we're talking about. Nobody flies a tank. But they clearly used computer magic to spice up some shots, to add blood, etc.

Jeff:  I thought this was supposed to be a real movie with real tough guys doing real fighting. I remember reading some crap about how they did all these stunts and everyone in the cast had to get STONECOLD STUNNER’D at least once.

Jeremiah:  That was a lie and a marketing ploy. Who are the ad wizards who came up...

Jeff:  That's enough of that. So it sucked, huh? This stinks, I was so excited. They should have made the movie with my cast. Do any of these guys perform? Who shines?

Jeremiah:  Eric Roberts. He's the bad guy. His absurd villainy is straight out of a B movie, which is good because the whole thing is closer to a low budget B movie tribute than a proper action movie tribute. He reminded me of Zagon from Above the Law, a personal favorite of mine. Also Bruce Willis totally owns in his one scene. In fact, the whole scene with Willis, Arnie and Sly is pretty great. It brought a big geek smile to my face and then it turned out to actually be funny and really well done.

Jeff:  Faint praise if you ask me. What about Dolph?

Jeremiah:  He's some sort of weird, burnt out, socially awkward, maladjusted, overgrown, petulant man-baby. Honestly, it's weird and a bit unsettling.

Jeff:  How's Stallone? Terrible? I bet he’s terrible.

Jeremiah:  He does decent with some winks at the audience, but, and I feel bad saying this, he just isn't up to it anymore. Watching him run would be funny except that it's tragic. He's all soft spoken tough guy dialogue and trying to make his face look human. In that way, it's a lot like watching a Steven Seagal movie.

Jeff:  Does Statham wear capri pants?

Jeremiah:  No, and there was a perfect opportunity for it. They missed out.

Jeff:  Sounds like one big missed opportunity to me. Is there any standout fight scene or action sequence?

Jeremiah:  Not really, which is one of the big problems. Jet Li and Dolph go at it, that's decent. Statham and Li mess up a ton of guys at the end in many very cool ways. But it's just them plowing through faceless soldiers. It's good, but it's no game changer. The whole point of getting this kind of cast together is to have the big names battle it out, even if they're on the same team. You just throw in the "misunderstanding" fight early on. Comic books understand this. Martial arts movies too. I'm not sure why Stallone doesn't.

Jeff:  I don’t think I’ve gotten across just how DEPRESSED it makes me that The Expendables doesn’t live up to its potential. As an action fan, what am I supposed to do now?

Jeremiah:  As an action fan, you should eventually see The Expendables. Despite how haphazard it is, there is something legitimately cool about seeing all these guys in one movie and the novelty alone is worth it. You should hold out until it's at a second run theater though. Or pull some Movie Madness. In the meantime, everybody get back to work on that dream team action movie screenplay you've got tucked away. Someone's got to right this ship (and then blow it up).

Tagged as: fish face, if he dies he dies, jason statham's capri pants, stonecold stunners, sylvester stallone, the expendables review