Culture Blues

Let’s Review Takers!

Jeff is still writing notes on the Culture Blues Emmy Liveblog War Room Dry Erase Board (a sample: Glee = stupid), when Jeremiah returns from his screening of Takers. Jeremiah is wearing a three piece suit and is considerably sweatier than normal.

Jeff:  So I’m like why even bother doing any real content this week, right Intern? Nobody feels like writing! We’ll just keep posting our IM conversations. And these rubes that read our stupid site will be all like oh super funny such a fresh format blah blah blah.

Jeff makes an IM chime noise.

Jeff:  Oh hi, Jeremiah! What’s with the suit?

Jeremiah:  As a majority owner of Takers, I figured I should dress up for the screening. I’m a businessman.

Jeff:  That’s right! How was the movie? Are you going to lose everything?

Jeremiah:  Let me tell ya, buddy, the next few days are going to be a real roller coaster.

Jeff:  Uh oh!

Jeremiah:  Takers is something of a slapdash effort but it’s got enough style that I definitely think there is an audience for it, and that audience just might be the kind of people who’d want to go see a movie starring T.I., Chris Brown, Stringer Bell and the white guy from the Fast & the Furious movies.

Jeff:  I prefer to think of him as the white guy from She’s All That.

Jeremiah:  Of course you would.

Jeff:  So Takers is pretty much like Fast & the Furious but with less cars and more rappers, right?

Jeremiah:  No, it’s much less fun than that, although that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I was expecting breezy, frivolous fun along the lines of Ocean’s Eleven, but Heat would actually be a more apt comparison in terms of tone and subject matter. Maybe the February release date that slid to August for vague reasons can help explain that.

Jeff:  I don’t think Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna is really that vague of a reason.

Jeremiah:  Oh, right. I forgot about that. Are we still mad about that? That was back in February '09.

Jeff:  No way. The statute of limitations on pounding a girl’s face in like some kind of inhuman monster is only six months, dude. It’s ok, Chris Brown! We forgot! You can be in movies again now!

Jeremiah:  Chris Brown’s definitely not the only reason the release was delayed, though. I think there may have been some heavy focus group-mandated editing. This seems like a movie that was patched together. The script being credited to two separate pairs of writers is obviously a bad sign. The first half or so is somewhat entertaining but a little dry as they spend considerable time setting up characters and the job. Then the heist and the lengthy fallout are exciting and tense even though things get ridiculous and damn near silly at times. I think the foundation they laid early on pays dividends in the end though. Oh and then there’s a melodramatic and sort of superfluous subplot which is only good for one dramatic scene from Idris Elba. It's kind of a mess.

Jeff:  Idris Elba is awesome! Except when he does that stupid British accent of his, like in that Guy Ritchie Kabala movie.

Jeremiah:   He’s actually British, idiot.

Jeff:  Get out!

Jeremiah:  Anyway, there are also the leaps of logic that I might have actually noticed during the movie if I wasn’t mostly entertained. That’s pretty standard for action movies.

Jeff:  So the action is good?

Jeremiah:  It's ok. The action scenes could have been iconic in more capable hands. I think the filmmakers realized their limitations though and instead just cribbed from other movies. In the end, it’s mostly done well enough that what could have been shaky camera disasters turn into appropriately frenetic adrenaline pumpers that actually hit some good notes and are memorable in their own right.

Jeff:  Hold on! Isn’t this rated PG-13? How much adrenaline can it pump without arterial blood geysers?

Jeremiah:  Takers pushes the Dark Knight experiment one step further by proving that you can shoot however many people you want, whoever you want and wherever you want and still get a PG-13 as long as you don’t show any blood. But for god’s sake, don’t show a woman’s nipple or *gasp* a penis.

Jeff:  I bet the focus groups made them take all the penis out.

Jeremiah:  Probably. But they left half of Paul Walker's butt in.

Jeff:  Any standout performance?

Jeremiah:  Maybe not standout, but T.I. seems to be having the time of his life. He has a stiff, almost robotic way of moving and talking that mixes with his Southern drawl to create something off putting, which is very effective for the role. I don’t know if he’s capable of great acting, but he certainly held my attention here.

Jeff:  Good for T.I.! Closing thoughts?

Jeremiah:  I really like the movie that Takers could have been. Only flashes of that movie made it to theaters though, and we’re left with a very inconsistent movie that barely keeps its head above water. It seems many pictures couldn’t even manage that this summer, so it’s got that going for it.

Jeff:  Are you telling me we’re not going to get rich off Takers?

Jeremiah:  Probably not.

Tagged as: chris brown, futures trading, idris elba, paul walker, stringer bell, summer movie malaise, T.I., takers, the guy from fast & furious