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Fucking Cartoon Characters

If you ask a guy who the hottest female cartoon character is, he'll probably have a comprehensive list. Ariel will be on the list. And Daphne from Scooby Doo. But girls don't have a list because, compared to the ladies, boy cartoon characters leave much to be desired. Y'all get Ariel. Ariel, who wears a shell-bra and has perfect (not even natural) legs, red stripper hair... shall I go on? You're going to start thinking I have a crush on her. So you get that, and girls get... Charlie Brown? The guy in Scooby Doo? It doesn't seem fair.

BONER!!!!!! Guess who this is.

I did a lot of (Google) research on hot male cartoon characters. A few kept resurfacing (I am not making this up): Alan M from Josie and the Pussycats, Adult Swim's Harvey Birdman, Ned Flanders, Coach McGuirk from Home Movies, Space Ghost, Thundercleese, Phillip from South Park, Aqua Teen Hunger Force's Frylock, Duckman's Cornfed and Philip J. Fry from Futurama.

The only one on this list I would consider doing is Space Ghost. And I feel like even then, there would be a whole slew of logistical problems. Male cartoon characters are either, like Space Ghost, so awesome that it is impossible to find them sexually desirable (their purpose in life is to KICK ASS), or so sympathetic that you just want to give them a hug and let them motorboat your boobs for a little bit. (Actually, there is no way I would let 9/10 of the cartoon characters above motorboat my boobs. Space Ghost is a maybe. A Maybe.)

In case you read the list above and started thinking, "hey, Cornfed actually has a pretty hot bod," you should know the hot female cartoon characters I stumbled upon were chicks like Cheetara, April O'Neil, Lara Croft, Jem, She-Ra, Jessica Rabbit, Red Hot Riding Hood, Daphne, Ariel, and Striperella.

These characters just scream sex, and whatever cool thing they are supposed to do (which can be anything from being a badass like Lara Croft, to doing nothing like Jessica Rabbit) is secondary to their primary role as sex object.

This is what Cornfed looks like. Seriously.

Generally, female cartoon characters fulfill every guy's wet dreams. They're sexy yet coy, tough yet sweet, smart but not intimidating, and either wholesome or totally slutty. And generally, male cartoon characters fulfill zero of girl's wet dreams. They aren't that attractive, they aren't caring, real, or interesting. You don't even get to know them, which is something girls want in their cartoon characters.

It does make sense, though. I think (although, per usual, I am making claims without doing any research) most cartoonists are male, and the market is driven by their horny asses. Maybe someone should get these guys some real ass, and they could keep their minds on captivating, powerful female characters, that aren't just CILFs. I'm not saying I want one who struggles with her muffin top, battles insecurities, and drunk-dials her ex-boyfriends, but I would like to see a character with complexities, real strengths and weaknesses, that shows real emotion.

Most Disney movies, and cartoons in general, do not focus on male emotion. A movie that broke this mold is Aladdin, and I think it worked. Aladdin was sensitive and we saw how his insecurities of being a street rat got in his way -- and we loved him anyway. He was desperate for Jasmine (who was actually pretty cool) to like him. Girls want to see these myriad emotions in their cartoon characters. At least I do. I don't think guys do. But then again, I'm not sure. Do they want complex characters with real emotion, or just sex on legs (or fin)? I'm seriously asking.

I have to be fair, though. Attractive cartoon characters do exist. There must have been either a woman or a gay guy in the sketching room when someone drew up Tarzan. (It wouldn't have been a tough decision for me to stay on the jungle island with him.) Little Mermaid's Prince Eric is pretty cute, but he seems doltish running around, wondering, "why won't this beautiful girl say anything?" And as my friend Hannah says, he's really just some boring white guy. Forget Eric, anyway. Ariel's dad, King Triton, is the real eye candy in the movie -- he just needs a shave and an eyebrow makeover.

Aladdin: The Exception to the All-Male-Cartoon-Characters-Are-Ugly-As-Fuck Rule

And of course, there's Aladdin, who is scorchin', and seems to be the exception to the rule. But did I get to watch him parade around Agrabah half naked, flipping his hair around, his boobs on display in turquoise seashells? No. I had to go to the trouble of picturing him naked. That is a lot more trouble than watching porn. What is Disney trying to pull?

The other Disney princes are terribly boring. Prince Phillip looks like a bland Ken doll and he gets Sleeping Beauty, who is a hot, blonde bombshell. Prince Charming looks like he's allergic to everything and sucks at sports, and I happen to know he still lives with his mother, and he gets sweet, hot little number Snow White? Then there's Belle, "no wonder that her name means beauty", from Beauty and the Beast, who scores a prince that resembles a meat head from an 80's hair band who has drunk himself stupid and crack-fried his brains. The Beast was more attractive than that guy. What a letdown.

Let's just put this down as another instance of female injustice. I don't care that we're making 80 cents for every male dollar -- I plan on marrying a wealthy man who is about to kick the bucket and leave me his inheritance. Financially, I'll be fine. What I really want is some soft porn I can take my kids to. When will women get the real respect they deserve? When will women get hot cartoon characters to ogle? I have a dream.

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32 Responses »

  1. Sex on fin thanks.

  2. Interestingly enough, there were a few episodes where Ned Flanders was Marge's love interest. If I recall, they even show him shirtless and he was kinda ripped. Anyone wanna cosign this?

    I'd argue that Duffman should be included here. And, to a lesser extent, Disco Stu.

    Also, is "CILF" a generally accepted acronym or did you just make that up? Either way, awesome.

  3. Really? That's it? No love for Quicksilver (Silverhawks)? What about Jack or Eric Bennett (Bionic Six)? I mean yeah, they might not have aged well, seeing as it's been 25 years, but in their prime they were lookers. And sure, he's a robot, but that voice, that presence... Optimus Prime is sexy in his own right, and holy shit I can't believe I just typed that.

    Seriously though, I get the feeling he's a cuddler. Like he'll tell you that everything's going to be okay, and you believe him because he's just so convincing, and also is a giant robot truck from space.

    And just because he was originally drawn in Japan doesn't mean that Max Sterling should be discounted. He's not hideous, he's kind of a genius, plus he's an ace pilot of a jet fighter that turns into a robot. It's a total win-win.

    Maybe Toki Wartooth is dumb as a bag of rocks, but he's a sensitive Swedish rockstar who can buy the planet. Shouldn't that count?

    Wow. You know, I feel like this comment has forced me to question my own sexuality. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go kiss some boys. >_>

    • I don't know what half of that weird shit you're talking about is, but I'm pretty sure leaving the Thundercats out of this discussion is a massive oversight on Lauren's part. I realize that they're anthropomorphic cat people. That makes it better.

    • Jeff - She mentions Cheetara. What more do you want? Not everyone fascinates about Panthro and Snarfer like you.

      More importantly, I can't believe Matt K just dropped Silverhawks and Bionic Six references in the same post. Well played. Those Bionic Six action figures were deadly. They had metal thighs and shit. It was intense.

    • I'd get all up inside Snarfer.

    • First... Snarf, not Snarfer.

      Second... Anthropomorphic cat people are furries, and furries have no redeeming qualities about them, so fuck the Thundercats. Not literally. You know what I mean.

      Also, it's the metal thighs that make the Bionic Six so damned sexy. Also they had an awesome theme song. "[They] are so proud to be a super future family."

      Oh, and I'm sorry I forgot this from my original comment, but Matt Trakker deserves some love. He's a single dad trying to raise his son, lead the Mobile Armored Strike Kommand (MASK) against Mayhem, and he's got a car that fucking flies. He's a masked crusade working over time fighting crime. FIGHTING CRIME! He's a secret raider who will neutralize as soon as they arrive at the site. Trakker's gonna lead the mission, and Spectrum's got such super vision.

      Seriously. At least throw the guy a beej' every now and again.

    • No, Snarfer. The little one.

    • Well that's just goddamn creepy.

  4. Girls always say they want a guy with a sense of humor. So there you go. You get the buffoons, we get the bombshells. Deal with it.

  5. I am plotzing at that last paragraph. Also, CILF will become a thing. Mark my words.

    I totally agree with you that the root of the problem is that the majority of illustrators and cartoonists are men. With that realization, the pressure is back on you, LADIES, to start animating Disney movies and creating TV cartoons. So... go to it! Until then, you're most likely still going to get babe-a-licious-red-heads and stumpy pigs in brown suits.

  6. I realized I could not please everyone with this post -- we all have our own freaky cartoon crushes. (Or... you guys do.) But Optimus Prime is only sexy if you have one of those weird, Transformers obsessions. And Eric Bennett, Max Sterling and Toki Wartooth? "Not hideous" isn't good enough. DID YOU SEE THE PIC OF STRIPPERELLA?!?!? Who is her male equivalent?

    But okay, Quicksilver is alright. My standards have shot pretty low at this point.

  7. This picture of Aladdin is really creeping me out.

  8. What does Batman do that's sexy? Are you kidding me!? He is always brooding. He's mysterious. He drives a hot car. He saves lives...oh, or is rescuing people and making the world a better place somehow a turnoff? Plus, he's ripped. Plus, he's a millionaire. Plus, as he shows with Robin, he is capable of being a paternal figure and a role model to the youth.

    • I don't think it's fair to bring comic book characters into this. I mean, there's something for every taste in the X-Men alone. The closest cartoon equivalent is GI Joe. What's the matter, Lauren? SHIPWRECK NOT MAN ENOUGH FOR YOU?

    • Hey! I didn't write that comment above. Who's stealing my identity?

      I bet it's the asswipe who stole my wallet last week. Damn identity thieves.

    • I KNEW Bianca Vermouth woudn't think Batman was sexy. I KNEW IT!!!

  9. If we bring comic book characters in, and I don't think we should, I feel like the ladies could really dig green lantern. And from a sexual standpoint Hal could really do a lot with that ring. For a more detailed explanation with drawings, shoot me an email.

    • well its retarded not to include comic books because half of the characters mentioned in the article are comic book characters.

      scooby doo has liek...150+ comics
      striparella was written by stan lee ffs.
      peanuts was a well known comic strip before it was ever a cartoon.

    • im not saying that their origin is comic books, im just saying theres way too much comingling with comic books and cartoons for there to be any sort of definitive line.

  10. Will everyone please stop touting their own male cartoon crushes in the guise of suggestions for me? While it's interesting to see who you guys are sexually attracted to, that's not what this blog entry is about. Did anyone actually read it? I was trying to say that girls want something DIFFERENT in cartoon characters. Batman might give you guys a boner, but girls don't want him. He's a yawnfest. And why didn't anyone answer my question about whether guys want complex characters with real emotion or just sex on legs? Jeff is the only one who sort of addressed it, but he didn't give any explanation. DAMN! What the hell am I going to do with you guys?

    • WAAAAHHH!

      Seriously though, I don't really want anything out of cartoon characters. Complex animated characters and cartoonish sex appeal seem like wastes of time to a semi-adult such as myself. I want humor and explosions. I didn't buy a Darkwing Duck comic book last week to explore the emotional depths of Drake Mallard's soul, or in the hopes that Gosalyn had grown up to be a sexy little bird. I bought it because I wanted to see DW fight Megavolt and enjoy Launchpad's brilliant wit again.

      Female cartoon characters aren't sexy because any rational person wants them to be. They're sexy because it keeps animators interested and because making little kids pop their first boner is one of the surest ways to secure lifelong brand loyalty.

      Anyways, Lauren, don't you want to bang Archer? Or Goliath? What about those sexy teenage soldiers from Waltz with Bashir?

    • I totally just paraded my male crushes too, damn I should've lurked moar before posting.

      So you're saying Aladdin is a complex character? Oh yeah he's a diamond in the ruff, real deep, deep complex stuff.... thbbbbtttt.

      I'm thinking of complex animated females that I'm attracted to and Caska from Berzerk and Katsarugi from Evangelion come to mind. I also respect a nice hollow pair of tits on legs tho.

  11. Well perhaps I'm over analyzing all of this. So girly of me! Back to not reading comic books, as I was before.

    Animators should try to keep girls interested, too. And no, I don't want to bang Archer or Goliath or the Bashir guys.

  12. First off, what a female find sexy is so varied and complicated that it's extremely difficult to capture in Anime. If it were something simple like big tits and exagerated curves I gurantee you every male animated character in the world would have those characteristics.

    Second, I submit to the jury exibits A and B: Gendo Ikari and Ryoji Kaji from Neon Genesis Evangelion.

    Also if we're including Lara Croft whose only been animated in video games then I'm going to throw in Leon S. Kennedy, Link, and Ezio Auditore da Firenze (only later in the game when he gets his beard, before that he looks like a pussy).

  13. Well now we have a pretty good list of male cartoon characters that males have crushes on...

    Personally, I think that a bunch of really hot boy cartoon characters would be a waste of time. Attraction to cartoon characters is something that I, a woman, can't relate to - no matter how well drawn they are.

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