Culture Blues

Clef Notes #4

Every Friday, or at least until his spectacular rock star flameout, Giovanny will be dropping a week’s worth of music knowledge on you with Clef Notes, proof positive that he’s a one man music magazine.

NEWS

Wait... He has a watch that costs 2 million dollars?: Timbaland’s family got all kinds of worried this week after the rapper/super-producer went out for a drive, cutting off all contact, to clear his head after the trauma of having a two million dollar watch stolen from him (allegedly). By "all kinds of worried," I mean they filed a missing persons report with the LAPD, who subsequently issued a suicide attempt APB just before 5pm on Tuesday. Luckily for all parties involved, police helicopters managed to locate the producer’s Escalade. After patrolmen pulled Timbaland over, they determined that he was no danger to himself. This Wednesday morning, Timbaland tried his best to set the record straight by going on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show to tell his side of the story: "People steal from me all the time," Tim told Seacrest. "Something did happen. That wasn't a watch. It was something else." He also went on to reveal that he fears someone close to him was the culprit, but continued to reassure everyone that he was of sound mind, and that this incident wasn’t no thing, saying: "Now, why would I commit suicide? I could buy what was stolen,” and (my favorite line) "I just got back from the studio, I don't know if a person who's going to commit suicide would be in the studio."

Must make it stop!: Because I didn’t write about Kanye last week, the chip in my brain has been sending continuous searing pain to my frontal lobe (thanks, W3bsit3). So, in order to regain my higher mental functions, I will give Mr. West some coverage in this edition of Clef Notes. This week, we are informed by twitter, that Kanye has been in Prague (naturally), working on a film companion to his new album. He is also remixing a Justin Bieber song (Runaway Love) which features a guest verse by Raekwon (damn you twitter for making this happen), and today is set to kick off his "G.O.O.D Friday" project, where the meme intends on dropping one free MP3 download each week from here till year’s end. "I know y'all need the music, so I'm dropping one new song every weekend until Xmas," West tweeted over the weekend. "It may be my song, it may be a new Jay song, etc." This is a very magnanimous gesture from a man who really seems to not only be in touch with the times but also with technology... I hope that all of this genuflecting will earn me a few weeks of reprieve.

Who the fuck is Kat Stacks?: Seeing as how I am a big-time respected journalist, I have little need for gossip columns. I am far more interested in facts, and the essence of sound, than I am into who is cheating on who, or who just got out of rehab. That being said, I can’t believe how entertaining/fascinating Kat Stacks is. She is the sort of entity that could only exist in a culture where anyone can become "famous"  by simply having the right combination of web 2.0 absurdity. Ms. Stacks actually got on my radar this week by dropping another one of her AMAZING YouTube videos. The newest installment of her videoblog (I guess we can call it that) not only “exposes” Soulja Boy as a cocaine addict, but also as a poor lover. Apparently, I am quite late to the whole Kat Stacks phenomenon; after doing some research, I learned that Soulja is just the latest artist to be put on blast by this awful, black-hearted she-creature. Her list of one time lovers turned haters includes, but is not limited to, Fabolous, the entire Young Money crew, Bow Wow, and numerous other hip-hop stars (and some NBA players as well)! A one time Miami “entertainment escort,” Ms. Stacks is rumored to have a tell-all book deal in the works, as well as other rumored projects, including an upcoming Kanye West beef... she just has to break into his house first.

State of the industry: It looks like I may have to rename this section "The Eminem Report." For the seventh week (second in a row), Recovery is the #1 album on the Billboard Top 200 countdown. Mr. Mathers' seventh studio album (Infinite counts, people) also managed to notch the most weeks at #1 for a male artist since Usher's Confessions, the most hip-hop album sales since OutKast’s Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, and is closing in on Taylor Swift's recent mark of 11 non-consecutive weeks at #1. Of course, Recovery’s reign will not last forever; in fact, all signs within the industry point to Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream (released this Tuesday) dethroning Eminem’s record. Why? Because people are fucking morons... not you though, you read Culture Blues.

Reviews

Did you know Katy Perry’s first ever studio album was a Christian Pop record? That’s right, way before she ever kissed a girl (and liked it), Katy Hudson put out a self-titled record with song names like Faith Won’t Fail. What happened to miss Hudson to make her change artistic visions so drastically? I will give you a hint: it rhymes with honey and starts with the letter M. God just ain’t selling these days. So after numerous false starts, and a Capitol Records based reinvention (not to mention a new stage name), we lucky humans ended up with an “artist” who is equal parts infuriating and imbecilic. It should come as no surprise that Katy Perry’s new record, Teenage Dream, is toxically awful, especially when the first single on the record is nothing but a flagrant Ke$ha clone. Teenage Dream is the kind of record parents should keep their kids away from (if you don’t believe me, give this a listen); it is full of immature entendres, sickeningly over polished production, and sheer idiocy. I sometimes feel like I have to say something positive about all the records I review, so here goes... she sure does look great on the cover.

The story of the Klaxons’ follow-up to their 2007 Mercury Award winning debut (Myths of the Near Future) is a common, yet frustrating, one. The original version of this record was completed in early 2009, but was rejected by Polydor for being “too experimental.” Since then, Jamie Reynolds and company have had to engage in the tedious dance with producers that is the unfortunate, yet sometimes necessary, evil required to appease a band's suit-wearing masters. Now that the finished product is out, and the public has had a chance to give it a spin, the final verdict on Surfing The Void is - I wish I could have heard the original. Surfing The Void starts off on a very good note; the opening track (Echoes) is a pretty solid tune with a great bassline and a superb chorus. It is a shame that the rest of the record was not crafted from this mold. The record sounds kind of like it hates itself; while there are elements of songs like Cypherspeed and Surfing the Void that are admirable and engaging, they tend to be destroyed by verses that do nothing but derail momentum, and melodies that are awkward and the opposite of catchy. Thanks a lot Polydor, you really fucked this one up.

Even though Clef Notes is only a few weeks old, I’ve already mentioned Mogwai in two different editions. The seminal Scottish post-rock quintet is one of my favorite groups, and records like Young Team and Mr. Beast are some of my favorite speaker blasters. Such adoration for Mogwai is what led me to review their recent live record, even though I have never written up such an album. Setting expectations for a live record can be a tricky proposition; in order to give one a fair shake, you have to abandon your personal set list fantasies and try to appreciate the presentation and arrangements of the material that was played, which is why in the end I dug this record. Just about everything that makes Mogwai a special band is represented on Special Moves, whether it is their magnificent use of light and shade (Friend of the Night), their glorious cacophony (Hunted By A Freak), or their sheer ability to murder your ears (Glasgow Mega-Snake). This record and the companion DVD are an awesome glimpse of Mogwai’s magic.

16th Notes

It seems that Wyclef will NOT be able to run for the Presidency of Haiti. This is a win for Sean Penn, and a loss for Haiti... U2 recently announced that Jay-Z will be opening for the band during the Australian and New Zealand legs of their 360 world tour. This is step one in U2’s new street-cred campaign. Step two, fucking Kat Stacks... In recent interviews with just about all news outlets, Rivers Cuomo brought up the possibility that Weezer could do a tour of one night, full album shows, featuring The Blue Album and Pinkerton. I can’t believe I will pay to see Weezer again... Brandon Flowers is currently wrapping up his tour in support of his new solo record. Culture Blues editor Jeff Hart is still at the Highline Ballroom basking in the echo of the glow and refusing to wipe the tears off of his face. ... Kings of Leon reportedly turned down guest appearances on both Glee and Ugly Betty. I like these lads more and more every day... Coldplay has apparently signed a massive, and record breaking, deal with Universal Records this week. Figures have yet to be disclosed but, whatever the sum is, I hope they all burn in hell... Scissor Sisters are out there touring the U.S with their flamboyant stage show. That dear readers, was the reason for all the glitter on the freeway... Contrary to reports here in Clef Notes, Steven Tyler will in fact be an American Idol judge next year. I fucking hate big-lipped Bostonian liars... Lauryn Hill crawled out from underneath her money laden rock recently to perform at Rock The Bells and hate white people some more... Jimmy Page will soon be treating us all to a photo-heavy autobiography. Rumors abound that if you read it backwards, you will summon the ghosts of all of Zeppelin's dead groupies... Lastly, Santana is set to drop a cover record that will no doubt offend anyone with taste. This is all a ploy for him to rekindle his love affair with that asshole who used to sing for Matchbox 20... Wait, is Matchbox 20 even still around? Fuck it, I couldn’t possibly care less...

Top Ten List

In honor of Kat Stacks being this generation’s Superhead I present to you the top ten songs about maneaters and gold diggers.

10) Life In The Fast Lane - The Eagles
9) Money Honey - Lady Gaga
8) Maneater - Nelly Furtado
7) Money - The Flying Lizards
6) Cee- Lo - Fuck You
5) No Scrubs - TLC
4) Bills, Bills Bills - Destiny’s Child
3) Maneater - Hall and Oates
2) Gold Digger - Kanye West
1) Material Girl - Madonna

Track Of The Week

Fuck You - Cee- Lo: This week’s track is a change of pace from the usual chill-wave, indie nonsense that I generally reserve for this spot. Instead, I bring you Cee-Lo’s Fuck You, a song that has lit the internet ablaze and a fine example of what can happen when you create a tribute to a cherished genre instead of a re-hashed derivative bore.

Homework: Who would you like Kanye to collaborate with next? Will you go see Weezer perform The Blue Album or Pinkerton? Why does Katy Perry exist?

Tagged as: american idol, brandon flowers, Cee-Lo, Eminem, Glee, Jay-Z, Jimmy Page, Kanye West, Kat Stacks, katy perry, Kings Of Leon, Klaxons, Lauryn Hill, Matchbox 20 is fucking awful, mogwai, Rob Thomas, Santana, Steven Tyler, timbaland, U2, Ugly Betty, weezer, Wyclef Jean