Culture Blues

Ask Jason!

It's Friday the 13th! That means Culture Blues' friend and sometimes stalker Jason Voorhees is back to answer more reader questions! Take it away, JV!

Dear Jason,

Ever since I read about that flight attendant quitting on JetBlue in such glorious fashion, I’ve been seriously considering leaving my own job in a similar blaze of glory. If you were me, how would you do it?

Ben, Madison WI

As life-affirming as that JetBlue flight attendant’s story is, it’s never a good idea to just quit your job on a whim, especially in this economy. If you’re really serious about leaving and not just having a bad day, you should start by polishing up the old resume and floating it out there to potential employers. There’s no reason to quit your current job until you’ve locked up a new one. You should also figure out a budget of your monthly expenses so that you have a clear idea of what you need in terms of income. Then, take that figure and multiply it by 6 months – that’s how much you should have in your savings account at all times, just in case. You’ll also want to find out how long it takes for you to be vested at your current job. You don’t want to just leave behind what you’ve earned on your 401K! All that said, when it does come time to quit, a lot of people believe in giving a proper two weeks notice, but that’s irrelevant if you follow my advice which is to behead every fucking person in the office with a machete on your way out the door.

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Mr. Voorhees,

One of my college buddies is already married and they just had a baby girl. I’m still a drunken layabout, so this all pretty new to me. Should I get them a present? Should I get the baby a present? What’s the etiquette here? What kind of present is appropriate?

Ken, Tampa FL

Here’s the thing, you can never go wrong by getting someone a gift when it’s not required, but you can go wrong by not getting them something when it’s considered appropriate or, even worse, expected. So I always err on the side of giving. Everyone loves gifts, so why not! As far as what to give, this is a big moment for the baby (obviously) and the proud parents. You want to give them something unique, memorable and from the heart. With that in mind, I have a slightly “out-of-the-box” suggestion that I think will make an impression. Here’s what you do, you pay a surprise visit to your friend, you murder him and his wife in front of the newborn baby, traumatizing her for life. Then, you lay low for, I don’t know, 16, maybe 20 years. You just disappear. You’re a ghost. Then, as the anniversary of her parents’ death approaches, you start stalking the now supple and well proportioned young lady. You chase her around, you murder her friends and boyfriend, maybe a store owner and a few cops. Then, when you’ve got her cornered, dead to rights, you slip up and she kills you, finally avenging her parents and making everything ok. I promise you, it’ll be a baby gift she’ll never forget.

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Jason,

I’ve been reading about Albert Einstein recently and I find his thoughts on time travel fascinating. It’s crazy to me that someone so intelligent could believe in such an out there concept. So what do you think? Is time travel possible?

Laurie, Brooklyn NY

Is time travel possible? Huh. I don’t know. You tell me, Laurie. Ever heard of a little movie called Jason X when I do some galactic terrorizing in the year 2455? Oh, you have? It’s your favorite of my movies? You love the part when I freeze that lady’s face in liquid nitrogen and then smash it on a counter? Well then surely you’re familiar with Freddy vs. Jason where I’m back in modern times. How did you think I did that? Not only is time travel possible, I’m capable of doing it anytime I want. So, I hope that answers your question, Laurie. Not that it matters. You’re not reading this. Because I just time jumped back to the year 1946 and murdered your grandparents, ending your entire bloodline. You’ve been time slashed!

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Hi Jason,

I have a big first date tonight! What should I do to impress her?

John, Brooklyn NY

First dates can be tough! I’m not a superficial guy. If you ask me, the best way to impress a girl is to just be interesting. Be smart and funny, have good conversation, and don’t just be interesting, but also be interested. Listen to her. I mean, really listen. Another good way to impress her is later on, when you’ve retired to her place for some love-making and I come smashing in there to murder you both, sacrifice yourself to save her life. I promise I’ll let you get some good punches in before I open up your belly, pull out your guts, and strangle you with them. After that, sure you’ll be dead, but she’ll be thinking about how impressive your bravery was. You’ll be remembered, if only in the few fleeting moments before I knock down the bathroom door where she’s hiding and cave her head in on the sink. It’ll be a memorable date! Well not really because the part of her brain that stores memory will just be goo clogging a drain, but you get the idea, fornicator.

Tagged as: advice column, best baby present ever, friday the 13th, Jason Voorhees, time travel