Culture Blues

Recasting The Expendables

Don’t get me wrong, I’m hella excited for Friday’s The Expendables. How could I not be? It’s a testosterone soaked action movie lover’s wet dream. However, I haven’t been able to resist the nerdy urge to engage in some fantasy-producer style recasting. Following what I assume to be the same genre appropriate archetype rules that the folks behind The Expendables employed, here’s my own custom dream team of super badasses.

There are two members of the current cast of The Expendables that simply can’t be improved upon. The first is Jason Statham. As far a modern action stars go, he’s the best that we’ve got. With the Crank and Transporter franchises, his track record is solid. He can do fisticuffs, he can do shoot outs, and he’s got the requisite gritty just-come-off-a-bender look. Statham also doesn’t have much competition in his demo considering the new millennium’s other action stars are either too sissy (Gerard Butler, Hugh Jackman) or too actor-y (Matt Damon, Christian Bale). The only other modern ass-kicker I strongly considered for this spot was Angelina Jolie but, while she’d address the glaring need for a lady Expendable, I just couldn’t leave Statham and his capri pants out in the cold.

The other Expendable that I refuse to replace is Dolph Lundgren. Come on. This is the Universal Soldier we’re talking about here. He’s iconic. Although, if there’s a scene where one of The Expendables is left behind and Lundgren’s “character” doesn’t say if he dies, he dies, then I’ll consider this movie a total waste of time.

Terry “President Camacho” Crews might one day find a place in the action star pantheon, but that day hasn’t come yet. Stallone and his people set their sights way too low when casting their one black guy. Wesley Snipes deserves a place on any action dream team. Granted, there’s a lot of personal baggage that might make working with Snipes difficult, but so long as no one looks him in the eyes and we don’t shoot this thing in the continental United States everything should be peachy! Without Snipes, The Expendables is just a pussy-whipped Brady Bunch version of what it could be. Also, Stallone, if you’re reading, let’s get going on Demolition Man 2, ok buddy?

Kicking Jet Li out of my Expendables wasn’t an easy decision. He might be getting a little on in years, possibly passing the title of top martial arts dude to young Tony Jaa but, unlike Jaa, Li has charisma. Li’s great, but he’d be better if he had a vagina. Although she kicks some serious ass in Clash, Van Ngo doesn’t hold a candle to the skills of a Li or a Jaa. But she does have lady parts. From the trailer, it looks like the only female role in Stallone’s Expendables is the typical damsel-in-distress. I guess that’d be fine if this was another wretched Rambo sequel, but if you’re going to pack a movie with nine badasses, you should at least make one of them a chick. Let’s get progressive here, Stallone! Didn’t Rae Dawn Chong teach us anything? So yeah, in my Expendables, there’s a lady. And she spends most of the movie getting rescued from certain death by her male costars. Her greatest weapon? Her sexuality.

This one might be cheating. There are plenty of professional wrestlers that have made, or at least attempted, the transition to acting. The obvious choice here is The Rock, and I’d have picked him if he wasn’t so horribly Disney right now. Instead, to replace Steve Austin, I’m going to hop in my time machine and rescue They Live era Roddy Piper. I’ve never understood why Piper didn’t make a bigger splash after the John Carpenter classic. He’s super badass, as evidenced by his part in the greatest fight scene of all time, and he’s tremendous with the one-liners. Hell, I’ll even take It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia guest-starring current era Roddy Piper. We just need to get him on the same age defying roid cocktail that Stallone is on.               

Whatever, Mickey Rourke, I’m over it. Let me know when the next comeback is. I’m going with Paul Reiser! I know the Mad About You star’s greatest battles have been waged against Helen Hunt over a sink of dirty dishes, but every action movie needs a nerdy Jewish guy that’s really good with technology. Also, where’s the comic relief? The Expendables has a lot of meatheads, but who amongst them is going to dish out a well-placed zinger? Oy, so this is South America? They can keep it. That kinda thing.

With Randy Couture, I couldn’t stick to recasting him by type because he doesn’t have one. His participation in The Expendables doesn’t make much sense. He’s far too similar to Steve Austin (I’m aware that MMA is different than WWF, but not when it comes to action movies), but without the charisma and camp factors. Instead of another interchangeable goon, why don’t we throw in Chris Evans, the next big thing in action movies? Besides his unprecedented double dip into Marvel superheroes, Evans has also done some under the radar ass-kicking in stuff like Push, The Losers, and Sunshine. He’d also be the only member of the cast under 30, so we could grab that crucial Tiger Beat demographic.

Don’t get excited - I’m not so much replacing Bruce Willis as I am changing his position in the batting order (see below). While Stallone has done a reasonably good job of taking action stars from different eras and sub-genres and bringing them together, his Expendables is totally lacking a Belgian karate expert. This is an almost unforgivable oversight. Rumor has it that Stallone originally did want to have Jean-Claude on board, but JCVD objected to the script. Supposedly, the Kumite Champion thought Stallone’s team of mercenaries should be helping the people of South America rather than, you know, shooting them all. Apparently Van Damme also complained that the script lacked any opportunities to “bust some sweet ass moves.”

The real world version of The Expendables lives and dies by writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone. That’s not a good thing. Stallone has always been my least favorite of the 80s triumvirate (sorry Cobra fans) and it seems like he’s really lost his shit these last few years. I’m dreading The Expendables turning into a star-studded retread of the last Rambo; humorless, absurdly gruesome, and dull. I’d be much more comfortable with Bruce Willis at the helm. For starters, Willis is still capable of facial expressions, whereas Stallone’s emoting consists only of making angry fish mouths. Willis is also capable of playing straight action while still winking at the audience, providing that sense of irony that an action movie this preposterous needs in order to work. I’m concerned that Stallone, a relic that’s exhibited a stubborn refusal to evolve (compare the Rambo/Rocky reboots to the latest Die Hard), will end up giving us an action movie that takes the worst elements from the 80s and blends them with the ugliest aspects of the modern era. Of course, I hope he proves me wrong. I hope The Expendables is a pulse-pounding, over-the-top, action romp, with plenty of slashed jugulars and exploding heads. But even if it’s good, I’ll still be wishing for more John McClane.

Who would be in your dream Expendables? Tell Jeff in the comments.

Tagged as: action movie dream team, austin 3:16, bruce willis better than stallone, exploding heads, sylvester stallone, the expendables