Culture Blues

Robot Threat Level: Pancakes and Tentacles

Welcome to the All-You-Can-Eat Robot Apocalypse at the International House of Terminators.

The compliant cybernetic enablers over at BoingBoing describe this clip of a robot learning to flip pancakes as “endearing.” More like terrifying! It takes this robot just 50 tries to teach itself how to do something that I, after twenty-seven years of life, still can’t accomplish without spilling batter all over my stove (I’ve always been more of a waffle man, anyway). If you think the applications of this technology are limited to cooking you a delicious breakfast then you, gentle reader, have grown fat on the delicious syrup of willful ignorance. How long do you think it would take this robot to learn how to fire a laser gun or crush a human trachea?

Speaking of strangulation, it appears that some Skynet wannabes over at Carnegie Mellon have developed robotic tentacles that could be used for opening doors, disarming IEDs, and molesting unsuspecting anime school girls. Obviously, the military is interested, as is cutting edge scientist Otto Octavius. Imagine how many pancakes a dude outfitted with a bunch of robot tentacles could flip at once! Now imagine those pancakes are made from people, and you’ve got an idea of just how bleak the future of humanity is.

And if you think I’m being dramatic, check out this article titled Terminator Robots Enlisting in US Marines. Granted, it talks about how the robots are just being used for target practice, but that’s always the way it starts. First you shoot at them, then they make you breakfast, and later they stage a genocidal uprising.

We’re on high alert until further notice.