Culture Blues

Internet Killed the Video Star: June

Music videos have disappeared from the airwaves but they're now available on demand 24/7 in cyberspace. Problem is, there's so much out there it's hard to find the good stuff (and the stuff so bad it needs to be seen). That's what we're here for, providing a monthly rundown of the music videos you need to be aware of.

 

The Apples in Stereo “Dance Floor”– This 80s homage would be a real snoozer if it didn’t star Elijah Wood as Elijah Wood, the Chair of the Physical Science and Physical Education Department of Drain Creek Middle School. He does some hammy science things. He delights at being handed a voice-altering microphone. It might be Elijah Wood’s best performance ever.

Lady Gaga “Alejandro” - Gaga and director Steven Klein touch all the hot button issues (violence, sex, religion, fascism) in this sprawling feast for the eyes... or something. Really, it's just 8 and a half minutes of Cronenberg meets Autobahn meets Franklyn visuals (that last part is an insult). At times the imagery is truly striking and there are some worthy dance sequences, but it's not nearly enough to support the runtime. I would like to credit Gaga for her very un-divalike appearance. When you watch as many videos as I do, you see myriad women dance in their underwear. Not many of them look as much like an actual person as she does here.

Selena Gomez and The Scene “Round and Round”- Honestly, this is a fine little tween pop video. It features an espionage angle that kept me interested, and it’s given me a saying I will desperately try to turn into an internet meme ("The coffee is dirty!"). The song hardly even registers, but I bet there is much worse pop music for 12 yr old girls out there. It’s just too bad Meth, Pharaohe Monch and G Rap aren't in this one too.

Eminem “Not Afraid”- On record, the earnest Eminem plays much better than his punchline-spewing prankster counterpart. In living color though, it's all squinty eyes and blank faces. It looks forced and fake. Perhaps appropriately, that’s also what the chorus and verses sound like. I'm happy he's turned away from whatever crap he was doing on the last album, but this largely generic and nondescript inspirational drivel isn't doing much for me either. If you stick around until roughly 3 minutes in, it turns into Hancock. Also, I'm not sure if it's from surgery or the ballooning up and slimming down, but Slim just doesn’t look right.

Hellyeah “Hell of a Time”- A grotesque amalgamation of Motley Crue, Nickelback, and cowboy metal that wears a Johnny Cash t-shirt and knows that women are nothing more than hips and tits. Christ, these guys actually had me rooting for the cops.

Enrique Iglesias ft. Pitbull “I Like It (Jersey Shore Version)”- Oh, you read that right, the Jersey Shore crew is in the house, flashing their nonsensical nicknames around and generally behaving like buffoons. I have no idea what kind of marketing meeting spawned this reprehensible hydra of horrible, but I feel guilty about having watched it. Unfortunately, I also feel like it's slickly produced nonsense that kind of draws you in. I mean, it’s terrible, but they sell their dumb little story well, and when they make it to the concert and are pounding on the stage to the beat, it's a pretty cool moment that I wish was in a better video. Not letting the Jerseyans talk or do much of anything was a great call. Way to go, marketing team. High five.

Justin Bieber ft. Usher “Somebody to Love (Remix)” – True story: one time I went over to fellow Culture Blues writer Jason Arican’s luxurious penthouse apartment and literally the only thing on his DVR was episodes of America’s Best Dance Crew. There were like 8 hours worth. All he wanted to do was show me his favorite parts. Therefore, this must be Jason’s favorite music video… ever. Also, Jason loves #Bieber.

Katy Perry ft. Snoop Doggy Dogg “California Gurls” - Ke$ha called, even she thinks this is moronic.

New Pornographers – “Your Hands (Together)” - With stabbing Eye of the Tiger guitars, ridiculous karate gymnastics and an affable sense of humor, this video is absolutely impossible not to like. Watch immediately.

B.O.B. ft. Hayley Williams “Airplanes” - I do not understand why this is getting the video treatment and the airplay instead of the remix featuring Eminem. It's like 10 times better. This is still some solid stadium rap though, and I think it's pretty cool when the crowd disappears, and by the mercy of the heavens there aren’t actually any planes in the video.

General Steele “Amerikkka’s Skemin” – I’m a sucker for songs and videos that call out the corporations. Rat bastards.

N.E.R.D. ft. Nelly Furtado “Hot-n-Fun”– This is essentially the same video we’ve seen a million times before with the cars and the women and the carefree good times, except it takes place in the desert, everything is inspired by the 60s, there is trippy animation shoehorned in and all of a sudden Pharrell is some sort of drug culture sex symbol. As promised by the opening lyrics, it’s a little bit hypnotic.

The Drums “Forever and Ever Amen”– If you’re dying to return to the days of mopey 80s Britpop, The Drums have got you covered. And as much as I enjoy lead singers striking messianic poses, the ones with decidedly un-hip, nearly spastic moves are much more entertaining to me, and this guy already belongs in that particular hall of fame.

Villagers “Becoming a Jackal” – Dark and folksy generally wins me over quickly, and it’s the same for the Villagers. Also, this video includes a meat monster.

VIDEO OF THE MONTH: Gorillaz “On Melancholy Hill” - That gimmick band that people actually like really delivers with this great animated, nautical adventure. We get a mix of CGI characters and ones that look like traditional hand-drawn animation, all in front of (seemingly?) real environments. Despite the differences, everything feels cohesive. The video is filled with great art direction that gives the impression of a whole, action packed world. I found myself wishing I could watch a whole season’s worth of this cartoon. The video manages a ridiculously epic feel too, one befitting its vast ocean setting.

VIDEO FLASHBACK: Guns N’ Roses “Estranged”- In honor of our oceanic Video of the Month, this month's flashback also makes great use of the seven seas. And, with regards to Alejandro, I'd like to show Gaga how to make an almost 10 minute video. You start with a song that is actually almost 10 minutes. Then you fill the video with awesome concert footage, Axl Rose looking sensitive yet badass, and some of the most incomprehensible, location-hopping narrative out there. The really great thing about a song like Estranged is that the video gives you two Slash solos, which are pretty much always cinematic gold. Granted, the first one where he just rides an unseen people mover past some Hollywood tourists is comical but not much else. The second one, on the other hand, well the second one involves the ocean... need I say more?

Tagged as: b.o.b., elijah wood, Eminem, enrique iglesias, general steele, Gorillaz, guns n' roses, hayley williams, hellyeah, i like it jersey shore version, jersey shore video, justine bieber, katy perry, n.e.r.d., nelly furtado, new pornographers, pitbull, selena gomez, the apples in stereo, the artist formerly known as snoop doggy dogg, the drums, usher, villagers