Culture Blues

Two Shows Enter: Skanks Edition

In Two Shows Enter, Ben Van Iten scores television programs on a variety of factors, and occasionally destroys all of the good will this website has built up with women by over using the word “skank.”

It's the Desperation Bowl!!!

The human race has a lot to be proud of.  We have harnessed fire, created breakfast sandwiches with syrup inside of the bread, and managed to stick around for a while.  All in all, we’ve had a good run.  But if I were kidnapped by a highly skilled alien reconnaissance team and forced to answer for some of our greater atrocities I would be left speechless.  If the head of the alien tribunal asked me to explain these two television programs all I could do is shrug.  And then bust out the laser blaster I’m obviously keeping in my shoe and break out of there.  Maybe we’ve gotten off track here.  But the point is this shit is terrible.  I know that going in.  If anyone ever questions my dedication to this website, let’s strap them down and make them watch all this.

Here’s what people have been saying about Two Shows Enter Skanks Edition:

“So basically we make these girls think they’re competing for my love, but the winner actually has to take me on in a fist fight.  We’ll call it Hart Attack.  Check your local listings.” – Jeff Hart, Editor of Cultureblues.com

“A lot of guys ask me how to get laid more, and I usually tell them to go back in time and join a terrible band and then wear a ridiculous bandana to try to salvage their lost youth.  Other than that, I don't know what to tell ya.” – Bret Michaels, lead singer of Poison

Rock of Love

I’ll be honest; I haven’t even made an effort to keep an open mind about these shows.  But even if I would have tried, some of these episode titles would have negated that.  I have so many gems to choose from.  How about “The Rose and the Thorn” or “Show Me Your Hits”?  Clever stuff.  But the episode I have settled on today is from the first season and it’s called “First Annual Bret’s Mudbowl” because why not.  I’m going to go get a drink.

-The show starts with a clip package of what has happened previously on this season.  After seeing fifteen seconds of this my first thought: oh no.  (-2 points)

-I’m just going to say for the record that I’m not going to try to keep all of these girls straight.  There’s like five blondes with a big rack and I’m just not going to bother.  Regardless, one of them is telling the camera that she can’t wait to finally get to know Bret.  You know, the guy whose love they are desperately competing for (-4 points).  Keep in mind that we are several episodes into the season.  SKANKS!

-There is one part of my brain that knows that all of this is very wrong, but at the same time there’s another part that’s like “oh hey, it’s a bunch of girls playing tackle football in the mud!  Hooray!” (+2 points)

-The girls divide into two teams, and the MVP of the winning team gets a solo date with Bret.  Could the stakes be any higher?!?

-There is a girl named Jes, and let me just take this moment to address her parents.  Why not just throw another s in her name?  Seriously, she’s going to get that misspelled her whole filthy skank life just so you can feel unique.  I hope you’re happy.  Plus the fact that you’re reading this column means you’ve really hit rock bottom.  So congrats on that.  But on the plus side, she seems to be the only girl so far I remotely like. (+1 point)

-And why do I like her, you ask?  She’s fierce as all get out.  During the football game she tackles this annoying redhead and almost breaks her ankle. (+5 points)

-This is a pretty official football game.  You know how I know that?  The score is 2 to 1.  Yep.  (-1 point)

-Jes gets her one-on-one date with Bret, and he drops this gem: “I lost my eyes in her funniness.”  What the hell does that even mean? (-3 points)

-Sometimes during a reality television show there is a moment so unbelievable that I just need to pause it for a moment and digest what I've just seen.  I aimlessly stare out the window and reflect about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  That happened during this episode when one of the skanks called another one a “star fucker.”  Let me repeat that.  One of the girls who applied to be on a reality TV show without even knowing which one it was going to be, and then proceeded to ruthlessly pursue a washed up asshole on command, called another one a “star fucker.”  It was a truly amazing moment.  I don’t know whether to add points, subtract them, or just take a shit.  It took a lot of soul searching but the decision is as follows.  (-1 point)

-It’s common place in shows like these to have liquor in the background at pretty much all times.  How else can these skanks show their true skank potential unless they are transformed into drunken dramatic finger wagging skanks?  Shots!

-Several of the girls say to the camera that they are masterminds, and are slowly manipulating Bret to throw girls off of the show.  I mean, they understand that he’s going to watch this some day, right?  Yeah?  Alright.  This sucks.  (-2 points)

-On top of writing and singing terrible music, Bret can also write god awful poetry that sounds like it was from the mind of a five year old that just learned how to rhyme. (-1 point)

-Bret takes a bunch of the girls to the shooting range, and Magdalena pretty much destroys every target.  Her body type, skills with a pistol, and European accent seem to put her on the fast track to becoming a James Bond Villian.  Or she’ll just end up doing porn because she has no actual life skills.  Either way, impressive shooting! (+2 points)

-It’s time for the Rock of Love version of the Rose ceremony.  Hold onto your butts!

-In the end he kicks Erin out, mostly because he’s jealous of the fact that she works with other celebrities and his ego can’t handle it.  Erin does what every reality show loser does, and that is act like they were never interested in the first place.  Go home skank!

Total: -4 points

Better than expected, and yet a completely abysmal viewing experience!

Flavor of Love

VH1 (or “the drunk people behaving poorly network”) really hit a gold mine with this genre.  Flavor of Love combines just the right amount of morbid curiosity with ridiculous drama to reel in a fairly large audience.  The set up is the same as the last show: women competing in droves to be a notch on the belt of someone who hasn’t been relevant for over a decade.  But unlike the last show, we’re going to take a look at the cream of the crop.  We’re going to take a look at the season two finale as Flavor Flav has narrowed the field down to two.

-Like the last show, we start with a recap clip parade. Flavor Flav apparently took a girl on a date to KFC.  Brilliant. (+1 point)

-The two women waging epic battle are season one runner-up Tiffany Pollard, nicknamed “New York”, and Chandra Davis, aka “Deelishis”.  Haha, alright.

-Upon leaving the set of the show, New York’s parents do what any self respecting parent would do in this situation.  They cry at what has become of their daughter.  It’s a strangely poignant moment full of disappointment, anger, regret, and hilarity.  I mean, I’m laughing anyway. (+ 3 points)

-When Flavor Flav narrates he yells even the most mundane sentences.  It’s pretty annoying. (-2 point)

-We have our first use of the term “nappy ass weave”. (+2 points)  I doubt it will be the last.

-Do not watch this show on a full stomach.  When Mr. Flav makes out with these girls, it looks like he’s consuming their entire face.  Gross. (-3 point)

-He has two solo dates in Belize to figure this shit out.  The first one is with Deelishis.  Being the romantic that he is, Flavor expresses “I love the way you grab on me.”  Aww! (-1 point)

-He can’t get her dress off because of a stubborn zipper, so in a hilarious moment our man takes out a HUGE KNIFE and literally cuts it off of her (+2 points).  Seriously, you couldn’t script this if you tried.  I’m rooting for Deelishis at this point.  Wow, I just typed that.

-Next up is his date with New York.  And let me tell you, this girl is insane.  She starts telling him that she’s going to take charge of his life and plan the entire thing out.  It doesn’t go over well.  Being the feminist that he is, Flavor reminds her that she’s getting “out of place” and that he gives the orders.  Eventually she apologizes profusely.  I’m not sure if her original statement or the groveling apology is more pathetic, but probably the latter. (-3 points)

-Lots of atmosphere for the final decision, he tells the girls to meet him at the end of a dock.  There is rain, thunder, and lightning.  Basically, it was a dark and slutty night.

-He chooses Deelishis (+2 points) and then a hilarious bleep fest ensues (+1 point) where New York just repeatedly yells “why did you shit on me!?!”  And much like in our first show, she yells that she’s glad to be leaving.

-Flavor Flav once again shows how gifted he is with words.  He takes the lucky lady’s hand, gazes into her eyes, and says “This TV show is about finding what I want to find.”  Just poetry in motion.  It’d be funny if all of a sudden the realization hit her and she was like, “Oh my god, you look like a gremlin” and just ran off.

Total: 2 points

A lot of this comedy isn’t intentional, but it’s comedy nonetheless.

Flavor of Love (1-0) defeats Rock of Love (0-1) by a final score of 2 to -4.

Culture Blues caught up with the MVP of the match, and when asked about the hard fought victory Flavor Flav had this to say: “It is my hypothesis that this show is a true reflection of our societies shifting social norms when it comes to dating, and the troubling double standard we have for women.  Also...FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVA FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAV!”

What celebrity would you compete for?  What would you call a reality show about yourself seeking love?  Let us know in the comments section.

Tagged as: Flavor Flav, Flavor of Love, KFC dates, Nappy Ass Weave, New York sucks at life, Rock of Love, Skanks, The human experiment has failed, Unintentional comedy, Washed up celebrities