Pop culture essays, criticism, fistfights

The Blockies: Day 4

Today, our almost-week-long tribute to Summer Blockbusters reaches its explosive finale. See who we selected for such important awards as Best Franchise, Favorite Moment Ever, Favorite Individual Year and Favorite Song from a Blockbuster.

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Favorite Children's BlockbusterBecause otherwise they’ll spend the whole summer in your house

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Where's Bill Pullman when you need him?

E.T., June 1982, $435 million
The fact that we live in an age where practically every movie made for children is computer animated makes me feel like a fossil for writing about one that stars a puppet. I got a VHS copy of E.T. for Christmas when I was six; it was without question my favorite movie as a child, earning a permanent place in my VCR. Every viewing was an emotional roller-coaster ride that I could barely handle, yet couldn't get enough of. There were thrills (the climactic, and now iconic, bike ride), there were chills (those haz-mat suits frightened the bejesus out of me), and most of all there was a warmth that still resonates with me to this day. The relationship that E.T. had with Elliot is as profound a bond as I can ever recall having seen at the movies; it is the kind of innocent and pure friendship that can only by formed by the cynicism-free soul of a child. When you combine this friendship with the singularly simple goal of E.T.'s quest for home (a longing that is easily relatable to kids), you have what should be considered one of the greatest children's movies ever. There are elements of this movie that will stick with me forever; some of them will be the images, some will be the set pieces, but most of all it will be the glowing finger, and that wonderful little alien's heartbreakingly croaky voice. (Giovanny)

The Lion King, June 1994, $328 million
Arguing against the cultural significance of The Lion King to someone in the age range of 24-36 would be like trying to tell a 15-year-old girl that Justin Beiber should get a haircut. The Lion King was, and still is, Disney’s triumph. TLK boasted a stacked cast (let us not forget Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ domination on the mid-90s), vivid scenery, and the killer combination of Elton John and Tim Rice working on the soundtrack. It spun off a glorious video game (generally hard for a movie) and a Tony Award winning musical. Looking back though, TLK was pretty dark for a G rated movie. For the first time, I was forced to deal with tragic death and the tailspin of apathy that ensues. If it wasn’t for a little Hakuna Matata and some Nathan Lane, Simba could have ended up another emotionally detached, alcoholic lion. Instead, he manned up, went back to get his girl, and partook in some good ol’ fashioned avuncucide. (Jason)

th3 w3bs1t3 called this movie "human" which sounded like an insult

WALL-E, June 2008, $223 million
Most animated movies/television shows are inevitably ruined by what I like to call “Family Guy Syndrome”. They come up short on heart, and way too long on cultural references that provide nothing but a fleeting snicker. While Family Guy is by no means aimed at kids, several recent movies that are have been guilty of the same sort of stupid crap. WALL-E has plenty to say about our society, but in a way that is thoughtful and hilarious, without feeling cheap. While I tend to think most movie critics are reactionary droolers, WALL-E’s 94 score on Metacritic is indicative of the quality behind this picture. The section of this film that takes place without any dialogue is one of the most beautiful and heartbreaking stretches of any movie I have ever seen. And yet despite this, the kids aren't bored, and that is a credit to the creative team. Writer-Director Andrew Stanton simultaneously re-energizes the past, and explores the future. I’m going to call this Pixar’s best movie, and I don’t think it’s particularly close. Kids, if you’re reading this, demand your parents rent WALL-E and make them enjoy it too. On second thought, I really hope there are no kids reading this website. (Ben)

Cats & Dogs, July 2001, $93 million
A live action movie featuring cats and dogs engaged in a high tech, espionage tinged, global conflict for the hearts of humans really didn’t need to do much to impress me, but Cats & Dogs did anyway. It bests all other live action based anthropomorphic animal movies with a deft mix of real cats and dogs, animatronics and CGI. Throw in some comic book style fight scenes (including one with a Russian shorthair knife and demolitions expert), the diabolical genius Mr. Tinklesand Jeff Goldblum and you’ve got summer fun for the whole family – but mostly people who love animals and action cartoons. (Jeremiah)

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Lifetime AchievementAwarded for a lifetime of entertaining the unwashed masses

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Harrison Ford, active 1977-present, 19 summer movies, $3 billion total
As Han Solo he made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, which you would have to assume gets you a lot of space ass. As Indiana Jones he battled Nazis and those really freaky guys that could pull your heart out. And as Jack Ryan he told the President he doesn’t dance; a quote that almost won a Blockie earlier this week. Harrison Ford’s Filmographyis littered with the occasional crap fest, but he has done some really iconic work. He puts asses in the seats with summer blockbusters of a slightly higher caliber than some of his action star peers, and for that I will always respect him. Any time you find yourself less than impressed with Harrison’s work, it’s always a good time to put things in perspective and remember that Tom Selleck was up for the part of Indy as well. Seriously. (Ben)

The two men who invented the summer blockbuster

Steven Spielberg, active 1975-2008, 14 summer movies, $2.9 billion total
There can be no debate that the man who invented the summer blockbuster deserves a Lifetime Achievement Blockie. With Jaws, Steven Spielberg thrust the summer event film onto an American public desperate to spend more time at the movies. With the Indiana Jones franchise he gave summer a hero and Harrison Ford a career beyond Han Solo. With flicks like ET and Jurassic Parkhe’s filled us with childlike wonder and amazement, and given us iconic images that will forever be part of the cinematic vernacular. With Saving Private Ryan and AIhe’s demonstrated that the blockbuster can be more than just a thrill ride, it can have gravity and depth. With Minority Report and War of the Worlds, well, those sort of sucked, but I can forgive the few missteps of a man that has donated so much of his imagination to making my summers memorable. Mazal tov, Steve. (Jeff)

Arnold Schwarzenegger, active 1982-present, 15 summer movies, $1.1 billion total
Forget about Conan, the Terminator, Predator, Total Recall, and True Lies. The real reason Arnie is the king of summer is because even when he loses, he still wins. Last Action Hero, maligned at the time of release and criminally still not available on Widescreen DVD, is actually an ambitious, exciting and ultimately successful parody of action films, in which Schwarzenegger lampoons his own public persona, amongst many other things. Arnie is even able to walk through the fiercest of shit tornadoes and still come out smelling like roses. In the disgraceful pageant that is Batman & Robin, Schwarzenegger’s role as villain Mr. Freeze amounts to little more than spewing a never ending stream of those ridiculous puns that generally pop up once or twice in any Arnie movie. They are so unfunny, that they are kind of brilliant, and Schwarzenegger’s delivery pushes them over the top. It’s clear he relishes every stupid situation he’s put in, every ridiculous line he’s fed. If you can’t appreciate this, then I hope you’re recovering from the lobotomy well. Cool party. (Jeremiah)

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Favorite Comedy*fart noise*

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There’s Something About Mary, July 1998, $176 million
Out of nowhere, There’s Something About Maryreinvigorated the R rated comedy scene and inspired a myriad of unworthy gross-out imitators. It also established the Farrelly brothers as lowbrow comedy auteurs. The big gags are notorious and immortal, but the characters, performances and dialogue are what actually make the entire movie such a pleasure to revisit. I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that There’s Something About Maryfeatures a sprawling plot that keeps things moving throughout its 119-minute runtime, unlike, say, Wedding Crashers. (Jeremiah)

Hey Eddie, it's time to bring back Mr. Randy Watson!

Coming to America, June 1988, $128 million
Coming to America is goddamn hilarious – and that’s probably all I’m going to say about it in this bit here. What I’d really like to spend this space onis a plea to Eddie Murphy. Put away the fat suit, and come back to us! And by "us," I mean people that hate the ridiculous movies you’ve been making for the last fifteen years. The next time someone sends you a script that involves you playing at least six different roles, light that son of a bitch on fire! The next time someone pitches you a role where you are a space ship (in human form) that several tiny aliens inhabit and operate, PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THAT MOVIE. There have been a few exceptions, sure, but sweet Christ his filmography has gone down the toilet. Maybe with the upcoming Beverly Hills Cop 4some of the previous magic can be recaptured. Now take this Blockie (because your performance is the only reason Coming to America could possibly win this award), and go out there and make me proud! (Ben)

South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, June 1999, $52 million
I really can't stand musicals. Their plots are often ridiculously insipid, they mangle melodies in order to get them to fit narrative, and they are, honestly, just too chipper for my liking. That being said, I am pretty sure South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut is the funniest movie I have ever seen (start to finish); I even enjoyed a lot of the music. Blasting everything from politics and decency, to the entertainment industry, to South Parkitself, this film is a work of satirical genius and priceless parody which is unrelenting in its pursuit of laughter and opinionated derision (the show can get a little preachy, why wouldn't the movie?). There are far too many moments and characters for me to highlight; be it Saddam or "The Mole" (a God-hating cigarette smoking French boy who delivers some of the best lines), Blame Canada, Uncle Fucka, or the extended Kyle's Mom Is A Bitch, this movie is the very definition of side splitting. Lastly, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncutalso happens to be a record setter; listed by Guiness as the most profane animated film ever, with about 400 uses of vulgarity, which of course is its own reward. (Giovanny)

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Favorite Song From a BlockbusterThe sounds of summer, minus the explosions

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Yeah, this happened, for no good reason.

You Could Be Mine, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, July 1991, $204 million
Because I was a child who grew up with MTV in the 80s and no dad, Axl Rose was my first true hero. I remember watching the Welcome To The Jungle videomultiple times a day, and attempting to absorb as much as I could about this band that seemed to be as dangerous as it was awesome. I was into rock and roll way before I ever became a geek so, unlike a lot of my peers, I was more excited by the fact that GN'R had a new single/video tied into Terminator 2 than anything involving John Connor or the T-1000. Contrary to some urban legend, You Could Be Mine was not written for Terminator 2(lyrics from the chorus actually appear in the liner notes of the band's landmark debut, Appetite For Destruction), the inclusion of the song in the movie is actually the result of James Cameron’s shrewd money birthing mind. While editing the movie, Cameron became aware of numerous GN'R allusions and decided to run with it, even coercing Arnie to invite the band over to his residence to break bread and seal the deal. I had to wait all the way for the closing credits to hear the song, which I'll admit was kind of a drag, but once Matt Sorum's extended drum intro and Slash's rhythmic scrapping kicked in it was all worth it; at least for me. To this day, I still remember all the words to that lung straining bridge. (Giovanny)

Kiss From A Rose, Batman Forever, June 1995, $184 million
You know you used to belt this one out in the shower back in middle school. Or was that just me? Anyway, Seal's greatest song (faint praise?) doesn't make a whole lot of sense – why do your eyes get larger when it snows, dude? - but it's wonderfully dramatic. It also rates high in the unintentional comedy department (2:21 especially). Watch the video and tell me those clips of Batman Forever spliced with Seal belting it out next to a working bat signal don't make your day. You could say the Kiss From a Rose video is my power, my passion, my pain... (Jeff)

SL Cool J

Deepest Bluest, Deep Blue Sea, July 1999, $73 million
In Deep Blue Sea, scientists create a genetically engineered shark in the hopes of curing Alzheimer’s (haha, yeah) but instead it just kills a bunch of people.  The movie is every bit as ill conceived and terribly executed as it sounds.  But even if it took millions of dollars just to end up with one redeemable element, I’d say it was worth it. LL Cool J, one of the film’s actors (it just keeps getting better, right?) wrote a rap song about the shark.  The song is called Deepest Bluest.  Here are some of the lyrics: Deepest Bluest, my hat is like a shark’s fin/ Looking for human flesh to rip my teeth through/Other fish in the sea but Barracudas ain't equal/To a half human predator created by a needle.”  This is absolute gold.  I think that LL Cool J should have a cameo in every movie, just so he can write an absurd rap tune about the plot.  The Schindler’s List soundtrack could stand to be a little more lively! (Ben)

Theme from Mortal Kombat, August 1995, $70 million
You may not remember the techno tinged theme from Mortal Kombat, but then again you may not be a video game obsessed male between the ages of 26 and 30. Me, I remember it like it was playing in my headphones right now. Then again, it is playing in my headphones right now. And it makes me feel like ripping someone's heart out of their chest. Honestly, I wish more songs only featured vocals from the Mortal Kombat video game franchise. Oh, that’s right, there’s a whole album to dance and fight and murder to. (Jeremiah)

Tequila, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, August 1985, $40 million
I'm not exactly sure if the scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure where Pee Wee dances on the bar to Tequilato win over a badass motorcycle gang after knocking over all their bikes is exactly a reflection of reality, but this scene steals my heart nonetheless. Who could beat Paul Reuben's enthusiasm, facial expression, or platform dancing skills? Who could mimic that musical cackle, that "HAHA! BREAK DANCE!" in quite that same insane asylum-y, cartoonish way? Who could wear those pants? The scene is somewhat grotesque and offensive to the eyes -- yet I cannot look away, and watching this video at work brought me shame. I thought, I shouldn't be watching this (I shouldn't have been). Then again, I'm always sort of thinking that whenever I watch Pee Wee Herman. But at least, unlike Reubens, I've still got my pants on. (Lauren)

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Blockbuster that Probably Should Have Won an OscarAlthough most blockbusters are immediately disqualified on account of being funny and/or exciting

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Every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse...

The Fugitive, August 1993, $183 million
Just when all the critics were killing the Blockie Academy for omitting this one from the Favorite Chase category it bounces back, with Richard Kimble-like resilience, to be recognized as one of the decade’s best blockbusters. No lie, I think I’ve seen this movie 50 times. As soon as I catch a scene on TV, I’m sucked right into Richard Kimble’s sheer determination to clear his name and Sam Gerard’s exhaustive pursuit of the bearded doc, as if I don’t know how it’s all going to end. It’s got all the classic blockbuster elements—a murder, a train crash, an escape, a pursuit, a ballsy leap into water, Joe Pantoliano, some shooting, a savvy detective, some identity theft, the betrayal of a close friend and a plethora of close calls. And of course there’s a memorable final scene. The pursued saves the pursuant and they cuddle in a mutual feeling of relief. Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones make the flick, as both show off their grit and pull the audience’s sympathy in opposite directions, making for some grade-A re-watchable entertainment. (Zach)

The Truman Show, June 1998, $125 million
It is an injustice to Jim Carey that he wasn't even nominated for Best Actor for his fantastic performance in The Truman Show. I understand, the Academy HAD to give Tom Hanks his 84th nomination for Saving Private Ryan, Ed Norton was a stunning monster in American History X, and the country was swept off its feet by Roberto Benigni's not-at-allannoying combination of exuberance and Italian accent, but COME ON! Carey's work as Truman Burbank, the 30-something star of the world's first, ultimate reality show, was as multifaceted as it was exemplary. Initially he is the model citizen of his false sinister utopia, but as he becomes aware of the fact that his life is nothing more than a television show, he begins to slowly lose his grip and ultimately attempts to escape his world (this is the definition of “epic,” people). Best Actor was not the only nomination that the Academy forgot to give out when it comes to this film, it could've easily gotten the nod for Best Picture, also. Sit there for a minute and consider the psychological depth of this movie, what it says about our culture, about utopian models, and, frankly, about religion. There has been quite a bit of noise surrounding the whole Christof, Christ-off, off-Christ thing; he sat as an observer/producer of this "paradise" exerting his will on everything from people’s actions to the weather, and much like in Eden, kept his Adam ignorant of the nature of the world around him. I know what you're thinking... I need to Netflix it again, and the Academy is clueless. (Giovanny)

Out of Sight, June 1998, $37 million
I was going to start this Blockie with a line about how if the field for Best Picture had been 10 back in 1998 Out of Sight would have definitely snagged a nod. But then I looked at the turds that actually were nominated (Shakespeare in Love?! The Thin Red Line?! Elizabeth?!) and realized that, regardless of field size, Out of Sight deserved some love. It’s a taut script with that razor sharp Elmore Leonard dialogue directed with signature stylistic flair by Steven Soderbergh. And that’s without mentioning some of the hottest on-screen chemistry I can recall from George Clooney and a surprisingly tolerable Jennifer Lopez. Unlike most of the Best Picture candidates from the class of ’98, Out of Sight actually withstands the test of time. And it’s not a boring-ass unwatchable period piece. (Jeff)

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Favorite Moment, Ever - Like when Keith Kincade looks up at the alien antennae and says "Gotcha suckas!"

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Ben's 27th Birthday Party

Yoda Picks Up a Lightsaber, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, May 2002, $302 million
In the original trilogy Yoda is over eight hundred years old, and the little fella has more or less lost his mind by the time he makes his first appearance in The Empire Strikes Back.Even in the middle of what looks like a wicked case of alien Alzheimer’s, he can still pick up a ship and throw it like it was a softball.  Star Wars enthusiasts like myself always accepted that Yoda was the biggest badass ever back in his prime, we just never thought we’d get to see it.  Then, buried in the eyesore that is Episode II, my dreams came true.  Picture hundreds of dorks packed into a theater at the midnight premiere, trying as hard as they can to convince themselves that George Lucas has not just taken a crap on their soul and taken their money.  Then, hobbling from the shadows, Yoda emerges.  And takes…out…his…mother…fucking…lightsaber!  The battle that ensues was immensely entertaining.  It was the loudest applause I have ever heard in a movie theater in my life.  It still gives me goosebumps.  Oh, and if you look to the right, you’ll see that the editors have inserted a picture caption to ridicule me.  Assholes. (Ben)

The Dog Puts on The Mask, The Mask, July 1994, $119 million
This is purely a nostalgia Blockie for me. As a kid, I wore out my VHS of The Mask. I even liked it better than Ace Ventura, and still do, but that's a topic for another column ("Which Jim Carey Movie Do You Find Least Annoying as an Adult?"). The Mask has its fair share of stellar moments including a great musical number, a wonderfully cartoony shootout complete with Scarface reference, and young Cameron Diaz. Tops for me though is when Milo, that little scamp, manages to don The Mask for the first time, unleashing (pun!) a maniacal, big-headed, biting machine. His initial appearance never fails to crack me up, as does the crazy face he pulls when finally relieved of The Mask. CGI dog heads just do it for me. (Jeff)

Gene Wilder Uses His Brain, See No Evil, Hear No Evil, May 1989, $46 million
We can recall uncountable instances of quick-thinking from all the movies that have appeared in this awards ceremony, but can we think of another in which a character takes advantage of his hard-on? Dave Lyons catches his enemy coming out of the shower, and all of a sudden, a deaf, curly-haired dufus turns into a confident man empowered by his wood. He stuffs his hand in his pocket and pretends to stick her up. Having caught her with her guard down, he figures he might as well make her put her towel down too. Instead of fleeing the scene, he has the balls to prolong the moment. He slowly approaches his bare enemy and leans in for the kiss he’s wanted to steal from this hot assassin since the first time she tried to kill him. (Take that thin-mustached Kevin Spacey!) Then he backs out of the hotel room with the gold coin he’s stolen and a rush of control that his dorky character has probably never felt before, delivering his goodbye line with both hands visible and his pants still pointing at his adversary. (Zach)

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Favorite FranchiseWhere sequels become something more

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John McClane, you poor bastard

Die Hard, 4 films, Active 1989-2007, $435 million total
When no film in your franchise even comes close to challenging the original, that’s not a good sign. It’s forgivable, however, when that original is Die Hard, the greatest action film of all time. And, honestly, none of the Die Hard movies are bad. Die Harder is an adequate if unimaginative retread of the first film. The criminal plot of With a Vengeance is unnecessarily convoluted even by Die Hard standards, but it also transforms John McClane from wisecracking cop into something more unique and tragic. The tagline “On a good day he's a great cop. On a bad day he's the best there is,” isn’t just marketing, it’s a theme. With a Vengeance’s most important departure isn’t unleashing the action on New York City, it’s removing Holly Gennaro and framing McClane as an over-the-hill drunk. And then there is Live Free or Die Hard. A PG-13 Die Hard film released 19 years after the original has no right to be any good at all. Yet the fourth film is a lot of fun, and continues to progress the McClane character. It's easy to dismiss his preposterous, superhuman feats in the fourth film as a desperate attempt to top the other films, but I see them as the only logical place to take things. With each criminal onslaught and ensuing media blitz survived, McClane's legend grows. By the fourth film he is larger than larger-than-life. I will welcome a fifth installment with open arms IF they go the only place there is left to go, and immediately end the series afterward. No sidekicks stepping into his shoes, no son (or daughter) to replace him. Just the hard luck story of one guy who was always in the right place at the right time for everyone except for himself, and who was capable of surviving anything…until he wasn’t. (Jeremiah)

Fist pumps are absolutely appropriate at this point

Back to the Future, 3 films, Active 1989-1995, $416 million total
Do you know what a flux capacitor is? Of course you fucking do. Why? Because Back to the Future is now an essential part of the human experience. Seriously, what do you know about H.G. Wells' The Time Machine? Yeah, I thought so, but if I said 1.21 gigawatts, you would start checking weather patterns, or look over your shoulder for Libyan terrorists; such is the indelible impact of the Back to the Future franchise. Over the course of three movies, Robert Zemeckis weaves us the tale of young Marty McFly (played by Number One 80s elf Michael J. Fox), an average American teen living in California. One fateful morning, Marty is contacted by his eccentric scientist friend, Dr. Emmett Brown, and asked to meet him in the parking lot of the local mall; what follows after that is the stuff of box office gold. With the aide of a trusty DeLorean DMC-12, Marty embarks on a journey, literally through space and time, that is full of some of the most memorable moments in movie history. Over the course of 337 minutes, we viewers are exposed to the golden age of the 50s, the modern marvels of 2015, and a journey to the outlaw West of 1855- all while McFly and Brown fix family histories, foil Biff and his lineage, invent rock and roll, hoverboard, and get involved in genuine shootouts. These movies were always a joy to watch and are wonderful memories of my earliest days; I really hope to God that some soulless executive is not casting Zack Efron as this generation’s Marty as you read this. (Giovanny)

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Finest Vintage (Blockie for Favorite Individual Year)Which summer reigns supreme?

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This Blockie is going straight to Dave Chappelle

1993, 16 movies, $1.3 billion
There are three things I love about the bountiful harvest of blockbuster from Summer ’93. First is the fact that I actually remember going to see a lot of these movies. I distinctly recall seeing Hot Shots: Part Deux, Super Mario Bros., Jurassic Park, Last Action Hero, The Firm, Weekend at Bernie’s 2, In the Line of Fire, Robin Hood: Men in Tights and The Fugitive in theaters. The second thing I love is the variety. That list already gives us 3 comedies, 3 thrillers, 1 meta action/comedy, 1 landmark spectacle and 1 statistical anomaly. That’s a great breakdown for one summer. When you add in things I didn’t actually see in theaters, it gets even better. There’s a good old fashioned action movie (Cliffhanger), a solid and quotable rom-com (So I Married an Axe-Murderer) and a movie that I’ve never seen but am pretty sure is great for convincing women you’re not a heartless jerk (Sleepless in Seattle). And finally, if blockbusters are judged solely by their star power (which isn’t a ridiculous idea), I can’t imagine it gets much better than this list: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery (Rising Sun), Harrison Ford and Dave Chappelle. That might actually be too much A-list talent for one summer. (Jeremiah)

How Jeff remembers the summer of 2001

2001, 20 movies $2.5 billion
What's so special about 2001, the summer where the best blockbusters on the schedule were The Mummy Returns and A Knight's Tale? It's all about atmosphere. The atmosphere in summer 2001 was me graduating from high school, really coming into my own as an underage drinker, and being a smart alecky little shit that, for most of that summer, worked at a movie theatre. I saw them all and I saw them for free and I have a memory for each of them. They were more than just blockbusters that year, they were fodder for inside jokes; like repeating hammy John Travolta’s “she’s good, isn’t she?” line from Swordfish, or shouting “Hey! Must be the Mummy!” just like Nelly would. It’s like we set out to annoy and mock 90% of the people around us, going as far as to call ourselves raptors and our enemies compies. Referencing Jurassic Park 3? Not nearly as cool as I remember it. They weren’t just movies that summer, they were adventures for a group of young men determined to take a dump on the top of the world. I remember a clandestine nighttime meeting after a bottle of beer got smashed at a screening of Cats and Dogs, discussing cover stories and laying odds on who would get fired first (it would be me). I remember being dragged out of bed at 11AM on a Friday to catch the first screening of Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes and feeling redeemed by how wretched it was. I remember a 10PM week night screening of Shrek where us boys were alone in the theatre – that one ends with me hiding behind the curtain under the screen and lunging out to jump a kid who’d been dumb enough to need a bathroom break. Later, he would whip a package of Sour Patch Kids at my face and that felt about as good as punch in the jaw, but we laughed and laughed. I remember after my firing and subsequent banning from the Regal Culver Ridge (that’s another story and this is already verging on a massive overshare) that, as a fuck you to the authorities that’d blacklisted me from my beloved theatre, we went to a screening of American Pie 2 in disguise – fake mustaches and all – and, cocky as I was, I didn’t stop sweating the entire time. The summer movie is such an integral part of our culture because we all have perfect summers like 2001 and movies that cause these memories to come rushing back. You know, one of my fellow raptors and his compy wife are having a kid in a few weeks. That kind of news can make a guy feel old.  But then I pop in my copy of A Knight’s Tale and let it take me back to when we had everything grasped firmly by the balls. That’s what a summer movie should do – make you look back and say man, those were the days. (Jeff)

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8 Responses »

  1. i get your car towed all the way to your house and all you have for me is lite beer?

  2. WALL*E is a human female reproductive device.

  3. Speaking of lightsabers, there's a giant lightsaber battle happening tomorrow morning!

  4. I always thought it was "deepest, bluest, my HAND is like a sharks fin". I'm not sure if I like hat better or worse...

  5. at first i thought artie lange posted that comment, you can imagine my disappointment.

  6. "Watching this video at work brought me shame. I thought, I shouldn't be watching this (I shouldn't have been). Then again, I'm always sort of thinking that whenever I watch Pee Wee Herman. But at least, unlike Reubens, I've still got my pants on."

    Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. These are lies. Lies! We all know that you never wear pants to work, unless you forget and *accidentally* put them on in the morning. Which NEVER happens. I have photographic proof. Not that I've put it on the Internet or anything (or am making mucho advertising dollars off your buttcheeks)...

    What was I saying? Nevermind.

    xo,
    Sally McFactchecker

  7. I was a little surprised that it took until Day 4 of the Blockies to start ripping down awards, but FUCK YEAH CATS & DOGS!!!

    Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
    July 30, 2010

    2010 Summer Movie of the Year. Bet on it!

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