Culture Blues

Internet Killed the Video Star: April

Music videos have disappeared from the airwaves but they're now available on demand 24/7 in cyberspace. Problem is, there's so much out there it's hard to find the good stuff (and the stuff so bad it needs to be seen). That's what we're here for, providing a monthly rundown of the music videos you need to be aware of.

Ciara ft. Ludacris “Ride”– What does it mean when you make a song that is unabashedly about riding erect penises yet, in the chorus, you claim to be riding “the beat”? I’m asking seriously. I have no idea. The video is a mishmash of images we’ve seen in rap videos entirely too many times already. Of course, as we all know, I’m only here for the Ludacris verse. It’s a disappointing one, but it does include the line “Just call me LudaDrew Brees cause I throw it in.” Which is either terrible or awesome depending on how much you like nonsensical word play. I’d have gone with “Just call me LudaChris Collinsworth cause I’m long and fast” or “Just call me LudaChris Chandler cause I come before Mike Vick.”

Hail the Villain “Take Back the Fear” – A sordid little animated mini-movie with a dramatic hard rock soundtrack. Sure, why not? I’ll never get too old for cartoons, especially morbid ones.

Lightspeed Champion “Madame Van Damme”– Initially, I was a little turned off by the public access level special effects that have been done to death. The dopey but dark song fits the visuals in an odd way though, and his enthusiasm grew on me. Apparently this guy is contributing a duet with Kristen Wiig to the MacGruber soundtrack called Rock My Body, so clearly he’s a person to watch.

Self “Could You Love Me Now”– Despite the fact that I couldn’t find out a single thing about this guy, I did manage to find a transcript of a voicemail message that video director Bodie Scott-Orman left him (crazy right?). Here it is: “Hey there, Self. I’ve got a great music video idea for that wussy track you sent me the other day. We’ll do that backwards thing that Spike Jonze did with The Pharcyde. I know that those Benny Cassette rap guys just ripped it off, but you don’t rap so it’s basically a totally new idea that I came up with. Now, we don’t have enough time to teach you to sing backwards but I’m pretty sure you’ll nail it first take, no rehearsals. And even though you walk backwards like a herky jerky Frankenstein, I bet it will look fine when we reverse the film. Cheerio!” Anyway, this video blows.

LCD Soundsystem “Drunk Girls”– Speaking of Spike Jonze, he directed the video for this sort of annoying song. Bad first single, guys. Anyway, there is something about the seemingly real, escalating physical harassment the performers have to endure that makes the video kind of engrossing, but only kind of.

Shiragirl “Sick Day”– What’s that? Ke$ha’s music is too cerebral, mature and edgy for you? I’ve got just the thing. It’s Shiragirl and if you have a functioning brain and are above the age of embryo, it will fuck your day up something fierce. I imagine 9 year old girls listening to this while playing Mall Madness the board game, and even they don't really like it. And Tim Armstrong, you had a fucking hand in this girl’s career? You ENCOURAGED her?! What happened to you, man?

Trae ft. Lil Wayne and Rick Ross “Inkredible” – There’s something Lil Wayne hasn’t learned yet; when you’re one of the most popular rappers in the game, you have to make people want to hear more of you. You have to make your appearances into events. When Jay-Z drops a guest verse, people pay attention. But Wayne is on every song that will have him. Lebron James wouldn’t come play me in basketball if I challenged him, and Wayne shouldn’t be appearing on Trae tha Truth tracks with the likes of Rick Ross. Anyway, his verse is the only good thing about the song, and his playful charisma makes the video watchable.

Cypress Hill ft. Tom Morello “Rise Up”– I came into this knowing that I wasn’t going to like the song (Cypress Hill and Tom Morello are well beyond their days of relevancy), but I was also hoping I’d be able to give them a pass. I like all these guys. Cypress Hill and Rage Against the Machine have always been more appropriate for teenagers than anyone else, so if this song turns some of today’s youth onto these groups from my adolescence, I’d consider that a good thing. Even with this very forgiving approach, I found this song insincere in its rebellion, uninspired, and limp. The video is all of those things, as well as ugly and cheap looking. I’m not even going to say anymore, I take no pleasure in this.

Hot Chip “I Feel Better”– What I initially thought was going to be a parody video in line with Blink 182’s All the Small Things turns into something much more weird and awesome. Just watch. You’ll be happy you did. The bizarre video is more understandable when you know that it was directed by British actor and comedian Peter Serafinowicz. He’s a funny dude and does a pretty good Michael Caine.

New Politics “Yeah Yeah Yeah”– Instead of Cypress and RATM, maybe teenagers should be listening to these guys. The lyrics are a bit earnest and juvenile for me, and the music’s pretty derivative of 90s rock, but I kind of like the whole package. The video really makes it though. It’s a high-energy performance set in a cramped space and filmed in long takes with a mobile camera. The lead vocalist is frequently in the background and out of focus doing hilarious and spazzy things.

JES “Lovesong” – I just wanted you guys to know that yet another person has covered this classic from The Cure. And oh yeah, it sucks.

Justin Bieber ft. Sean Kingston “Eenie Meenie… aw fuck I can’t type this.”– This is like a day-glo teen version of Same Girl by R. Kelly and Bieber's mentor Usher, except that it's joyless, robotic and probably leads to brain damage.

Christina Aguilera “Not Myself Tonight”– The attempt to capitalize on Lady Gaga’s popularity is obvious and frankly kind of sad. I thought Xtina was at a point where she no longer had to whore herself out for video plays. And yet, here she is in full bondage gear, simulating sex with a guy and appearing in more highly sexualized outfits and positions than a person could possibly masturbate to. Well, you know what they say, once a whore, always a whore.

T.I. “I’m Back” – I’m not sure if this is an official sequel to Hell of a Life but it’s his first video since leaving prison. Upon release, he picks up his jewelry and quarter million dollar car. He goes to the studio. He gets back together with the boys. He drives around tossing money into the back seat of his car (typical bad boy stuff). Then he commits some arson. Anyway, it seems like a nice build to whatever mega-anthem T.I. is going to drop on us for the summer.

VIDEO OF THE MONTH: Jay Electronica “A Million in the Morning”– The much buzzed about rapper delivers a song for a documentary of the same name, about a bunch of people who try to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest time without sleep. It looks like the video is entirely made up of footage from the documentary, and it’s one of the most exciting things I’ve discovered since starting this column. Times Square is an odd enough place to be under totally normal circumstances, but as Gavin McInnes explores it in a sleep deprived state and does things no sane person would do, it becomes otherworldly. The video is funny, scary, startling and bizarre, and feels much like a waking dream. The fish eye lens appropriately warps the world around our hero, and the song is a more than worthy compliment to such a strange journey.

VIDEO FLASHBACK: Ludacris Blowout– As I’m sure all you amateur statisticians at home have already noticed, April marks a landmark fourth consecutive IKTVS appearance for Ludacris. That’s right, he’s 4 for 4 in 2010 (I’m counting March’s labeling debacle because I still linked to a recent video featuring him). In honor of this monumental achievement, let’s watch some Ludacris videos, huh?

Ho - Flipping the word "ho" about a thousand different ways in three minutes is juvenile and disrespectful. It's also absurd and hilarious. The Sims or Second Life inspired video really highlights the silliness of the whole thing. Classic.

Saturday (Oooh Oooh) - Definitely one of the best Ludacris videos. There's just so much to love I can't even get into it. Just watch it.

Runaway Love ft. Mary J. Blige - Luda watches over and encourages runaways on a cheesy song that doesn't shy away from the darkness. It's effective but will someone please remix it and toughen up the track a little?

One More Drink ft. T-Pain - Luda offers a public service announcement on the dangers of drinking and dating, with AA humor, lots of T-Pain and Luda goofing off, and Luda's trademark comically big objects (it's a Hennessy glass this time).

Slap- Even in a video as serious as this Taxi Driver inspired tale of desperation and frustration, Ludacris can't help but be funny ("I need my music, man!"). As with most of his more serious songs, it's a little cheesy but still poignant.

Get Back- Potentially the last really goofy Ludacris video we'll see (he's all grown up now), but what a swan song! The big armed Ludacris makes me laugh even when he's just taking a piss, forget about it when he's punching people, dancing, getting mad at boots and causing property damage. The Ludaverse indeed!

Tagged as: a million in the morning, apocalypse, christina aguilera, ciara, cypress hill, hail the video, hot chip, jay electronica, JES, Justin Bieber, LCD Soundsystem, lightspeed champion, Lil' Wayne, Lovesong cover, ludacris, ludacris is in every video, new politics, rick ross, rock my body MacGruber, sean kingston, self, shiragirl, spike jonze ripoff, T.I., the end of civilization, tim armstrong has gone too far, Tom Morello, trae, who is self - seriously